Monday, November 3, 2008

Drinking for Pay

So I had a bit of a hiatus in the past few days. Today, well, I was fucking a) busy and b) despressed as fuck. More on that in a minute. First, I wanted to impart some knowledge. Last week, I went to a confrence for work that was out of town. On the first night of the conferece, they had a reception/cocktail hour thing. Also at this cocktail hour was an Intoxilyzer machine. And the scientists that go along with it. This machine is what is sitting at the police station/jail that you blow into to determine your blood alcohol content. This was the real thing, and not some fake ass handheld. I had never blown into one before, so I thought I would put it to the test. It was pretty interesting. I am normally one of those pussies that makes Bear drive home from the bars (regardless of how obviously fucked up he is), because I don't want to get an OWI. I've always sort of stuck to the "one drink an hour" theory if I knew I was driving home. I've occasionally strayed, but very infrequently. I had always been under the assumption that .08 was such a low standard of BAC that if you had a buzz, you would be over the limit, and shouldn't drive. I realize there are a number of variables that come into play here: 1)what you had to eat, etc. So don't think that everyone can run out and drink this and not get busted. I can tell you that night, I had a decent lunch around noon, and snacked on some hors d'ourves as I drank. The hors d'ourves were fairly robust, but I didn't eat until I was full. I was drinking bottles of Spotted Cow, which are fucking delicious. I am a svelte 6'0 210 lbs. 27 years old. I have a history of binge drinking dating back to about 1997, but have slowed down considerably in the past two years.

Here are the results of my various tests:

1) 2 1/2 drinks in 1 hour: .029
2) 4 drinks in 2 hours: .040
3) 5 1/2 drinks in 2.75 hours: .081

I found this interesting for a bunch of reasons. I was feeling it on test 1. It wasn't a hard buzz, but I could definitely tell I had been drinking. On test two, I had a pretty hard buzz on test 2, to the point were I certainly would not have driven, and I was only half the legal limit. On test three, I would call myself officially past buzzed, and into drunk territory, and I was finally over. The scientist dude (which I think was the same one from "Half Baked") told me that he would have put me at 6 drinks in 3 hours to get me legally drunk. He also figured that based upon mathematics and shit, I should be able to have 9 drinks in 6 hours (which is about the timing of a noon Packer game + tailgate). He also said something to the effect that each hour, your body removes approximately a .015 from your system by itself. Afterwards, I went and got TOTALLY fucked up in the small town this conference was in. The trip to and from the bar involved walking on railroad tracks. Drunken, pointless, life risks are awesome! With all of that said, I would never, ever, fucking have 6 beers in 3 hours and drive home.

PRODUCT REVIEW: Alka-Seltzer Wake-Up Call. I was nearing my deathbed when I woke up in the morning, and was supposed to go back to the conference. I felt like I would throw up everywhere. I popped two of these, and about 20 minutes later, I was eating donuts and drinking coffee and feeling great. I highly recommend it.

REMAINDER OF THE WEEKEND: The Pack just didn't take advantage of the Titans mistakes, and the Titans did. I'm not sure the better team won. Titans are good, but the Pack dropped 3 picks. I hate making excuses, but I going to anyway. Also, the NFL OT continues to suck dick. I think we take care of shit in Minnehaha this week.

P.S. Some assface called into the local sports talk show this morning to say that the Packers lost because He gave us "toughness" that we don't have any more and now we are doomed to suck forever. The caller was quickly hung up on, and it was followed with about 10 straight "that guy is a fucking moron" calls. FYI, yesterday He threw for 209, 0TD, 1INT. A-Rodg threw for 300+, 1TD, 1INT, fumble. I'll take A-Rodg. Not that it is a competition, but we don't win that game with Him at QB either (In fact we probably lose by more). But I wont' dwell.

The Badgers are horrid. They dominate the game in just about every facet, and still find a way to lose.

NBA: I'm batting 50% now in games that I've watched some or all of/games I didn't see a minute of. To be fair, yesterday's Bucks-Knicks game wasn't available on my Dish system, so I couldn't watch, so I'm going to change it to a tie. I am now 2-1-1.

OJSFA: My team slipped and fell in Ricky's tears and lost to Schmock badly. I just ran into a perfect storm of sucktitude. Things are getting interesting now with 6 teams within two games of each other for 4 playoff spots.


Bear said...

Two things here, I had a similar experience with a BAC calculator and I was surprised as well, although I'd reckon my body process about .030 every hour comparatively. Second item, you stole my fucking line from my matchup smack talk in our fantasy league this week, you fucking thief. "Perfect storm" my ass.

Juicelaw said...

I actually didn't even realize. My sincerest apologies. Make that a sloppy clusterfuck.