My Brain Has Been Violated

I watched the two hour "Lost" premier last night. "Lost" is probably my favorite show, or at least it is in the conversation. It is like watching a movie every week. It is generally amazing. But I am just completely lost on Lost. I just have no idea what the fuck is going on, or what is supposed to be going on, or what is going to happen next. It is just a lot of work to watch the show, even though the two hours went by in what felt like 15 minutes. Has my brain been turned to mush? Shouldn't I appreciate a show that isn't made for total idiots? (See 98% of America?). I guess I'm just frustrated because I know this is the last season and I'm supposed to be getting "answers" to the "questions". I'm just not sure I know what the questions are, or how the answers could possibly satisfy me. The whole two hours last night just seemed like one random occurrence after another, all of which made me say "What the fuck?". I'm not going to give anything away because some may have chosen to DVR, but in one episode we have dealt with: time travel, possible alternate realities, talking to dead people, seeing dead people, Christ figures, raising the dead and transferring of souls. I have this uneasy feeling that we are on a runaway train that is going to come to an abrupt, unsatisfying stop. I don't see any way that the finale isn't going to leave me disappointed. My brain was raped last night. I'm sure my brother has some fascinating theories because he is alot smarter about these kinds of things than I am.

I missed out on one of the best Badger performances ever, the ass kicking of Michigan St. This was mostly due to my decision that the "Lost" premier was slightly more important in the grand scheme of things. That, and by the time I caught up to lost in real time, our fucking DVR was also recording "Teen Mom" (seriously). I followed the score on my BlackBerry, but I missed out. Impressive win though. When Leuer comes back, I would not want to play Bucky.

ONE OTHER RANDOM THOUGHT

I've heard that the NCAA is more than seriously considering expanding the basketball tourney to 96 teams, and spreading out coverage to cable as well. I'm really not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, if it ain't broke don't fix it. I think it is perfect right now. On the other hand, you can't ever have too much of a good thing. I fear it will turn getting to the "Big Dance" into making a "Bowl Game". Unless you really suck balls, you would get in. I guess it would allow more teams to win, but unless they place some kind of rules on qualification (nobody under .500 in conference unless you are a conference champion) then what is the point? Is it just an excuse to make sure that a shitty UNC team can go 7-9 in a pretty tough ACC and get in? Or is it to not fuck over deserving mid-majors that win 25 games and get left out? I'm leaning towards staying the course (except for changing the play-in game to be for a 12 seed between the last two in) until I see some other details. Also, how strange would the tourney on TNT be???

Mel Gibson, Pro Bowl, Grammys, Madden '10

The weekend that didn't involve getting blacked out in La Crosse (please provide me with details), but that did involve copious amounts of time sitting around by myself when I could have been drinking, separated by paragraphs.

MOVIE REVIEW

Saw "The Edge of Darkness" starring 90-year old, alcoholic, anti-Semite, Mel Gibson. It was pretty awesome. In 2010, I've decided to go with a 10 point system to rank the 4 movies I'm going to see. I would give it a 7.5 out of 10, which is solid but not spectacular.

MADDEN '10

I had a lot of spare time on my hands so I decided to see if I could simulate to the end of Franchise mode on Madden. I didn't get anywhere close (I'm not actually sure where it ends). I'm not sure what the point of this is other than I needed an excuse to say that after I shitcanned Mike McCarthy after 15 seasons, 11 playoff appearances, and one Super Bowl title, the next three coaches were: Walter Jones (6 seasons, 1 playoff), Asante Samuel (3 seasons, 0 playoffs) and Brandon Jacobs (in first season). I always think it is funny to see which former players get put in the coaching ranks.

PRO BOWL/GRAMMYS

Not sure which was more lacking. The lack of interest of the Pro Bowlers in "blocking" and "tackling" or the lack of giving a shit about not swearing by Drake, Eminem and Lil' Wayne during their performance.

I like swearing and flipping a middle finger to CBS/FCC as much as the next guy, but when you do a 4 minute performance and 2 minutes 30 seconds is sporadic silence due to editing, it gets a little annoying.

I personally have no problem with the Pro Bowlers not giving a shit. I want to personally thank Mario Williams for not killing A-Rodg when he went unblocked into the backfield. I want to say fuck you to Vincent Jackson for blindsiding Clay Matthews and nearly killing him on a block.

Also, nobody told me I was going to need 3D glasses for the Michael Jackson tribute at the Grammys. So I got blurry Carrie Underwood instead of 3D Carrie Underwood. Not cool.

Please return to not having your time wasted.

Holy. Sh*t.

Not much to say here other than the last two posts are now worthless.

From the OJSFA front page on Yahoo!:

League Notes
Please note the NFL changed its ruling of Kurt Warner's week 15 touchdown pass to Anquan Boldin to a lateral, making it a rushing play. Stats related to this play have been updated to reflect this change.

Which means it is now Bear taking on Loaf Cobra (Faribault Frauleins), because Loaf Cobra now won by 2.7 instead of losing by 3.3. My brother had Warner.

I immediately knew something was wrong when my phone rang at 9 a.m. and it was my brother. I figured either someone was dead, or there was a terrible fantasy football accident because he never calls that early. Drama.

Direct quote from Ms. Juice, "I would be fucking irate if that happened to "us". Because I love money. Especially when I don't have to do anything to get it." Marital bliss.

The Wedding: A review

There is an outside chance that I have a .09 BAC right now. I haven't had a drink in approximately 34 hours. That is how much I had to drink on Saturday. As is typically the case with a function that involves anyone from the greater-Madison area, I was drunk when I woke up yesterday. My wife and I tag teamed the drive home because neither could stay awake with any real success. My liver had a cigarette while I was in the shower this morning. He is unhappy with the decisions I made. From my vague recollection, here are some of those decisions:

1) Drinking about a bottle of champagne on the bus.
2) Drinking two scotch ales at Great Dane
3) Drinking a whole bottle of wine at the reception
4) Drinking about 30 Spotted Cows
5) Drinking about 10 shots
6) Somehow navigating myself across Hwy 151 (6 lanes) after the reception in efforts to find a bar to close.
7) Giving up when Richard was clearly incapable of reading the GPS on his iPhone (somehow I recall it telling us we were "inside a bar" when clearly we were not), and going to Denny's instead.
8) Eating a "Grandslamwich" at Denny's
9) All sorts of other drunken asshattery that I don't remember.

Yesterday was the longest day of my life. Great time at the wedding. Seriously, nobody is allowed to get married for like 2 more years so I can recover. I'm never drinking again. I'm going to go puke now.

Preview of Schmock's Funeral and Fake Gambling Advice

First, the picks:

Last week plus Vegas: 9-7
Season: 50-42
All-Time: 184-168-2

Atl (-10), GB (-9.5), Mia (+10.5), Jax (-6.5), Hou (+9), Cin (+3), Ari (+3), NO (-13.5), Sea (-10), NYG (-4.5), SF (-4), Phi (-3), Den (+3)

THE DEATH OF A FRIEND:

If not at the wedding this weekend, please pour some out for our fallen comrade. This is nothing personal against his fiance, who is a lovely woman, but it just is what it is.

I'll be heading off to the various Madison suburbs around noon on Friday so that I can learn how to show people where to sit, eat some free food, and sleep in a strange bed. I hope someone besides me is staying the hotel Friday night so I have an excuse to be hung over for the wedding. My guess is going to be not, since everyone else in the wedding either lives near Madison, or has a free room at their parent's house somewhere.

Regardless of Friday, I am going to get fucking shitfaced on Saturday. And that is a promise. Not that it should be any real surprise. My prediction is that the highlight will be Richard passed out with his head between the elevator doors, and it constantly trying to shut on it, but reopening each time it hits his head. Going to be great. Also, if this hotel is the one I think it is, I believe it is within walking distance of Margaritaville, which is going to sound like a fantastic plan at midnight when the wedding is done. I look forward to vomiting tequila. (ED. NOTE: Wrong hotel. No Margaritaville. My mistake. I will have to settle for vomiting beer.)

BADGERS

Schmock was selfish enough to schedule his wedding on a Badger game day, but good enough to schedule it on a game when the Badgers played Indiana, which may or may not be a real team. Badgers 41, Hoosiers 10.

PACKERS

Same thing. It is going to be a "game time decision" on whether I go dark until I get home and watch the game on TV, or listen to Wayne Larivee on the radio. I suppose it is possible we would be home by noon, but obviously that is no guarantee. In other news, if the Packers don't win Sunday, I think it would be safe to say that a deposit on playoff tickets won't be necessary. The Bucs are fucking 1979 terrible. Something named Josh Freeman will be making his first NFL start. Packers 41, Bucs 10.

Cab Drivers Stealing from Drunken Customers

$35. That is how much I paid for a drunken cab ride home at 1:30 a.m. on Saturday. According to Google Maps that is a 12 min cab ride, 8.4 miles in total. Only the last three blocks would have a speed limit under 45 mph. That is $175 per hour for those not good at math. About the same as Twinkie's divorce attorney is going to charge him per hour after his wife finds out what he did in Vegas next weekend. Also, the attorney went to school for about 7 years, has a license that is relatively difficult to obtain, and has to deal with a ton of bullshit. The cab driver is an 8th grade dropout, who hasn't showered in 7 years, and has a license that everyone on earth over the age of 16 has. I'm just sayin'.

Somehow, this same exact cab ride has varied from between $20 and $35 over the past few years. Yet nobody can explain it to me. Partially because they can pretty much charge whatever the fuck they want because they now know where I live, and partially because I'm at a .34. The key is to pass out like Richard. That way you never have to pay for the cab. And you get to stay at my house and be fed for free. (Fucking deadbeat). Also, just sayin'.

The point of this article is that I have no point. I have relatively few things to do at work this week. I have a full day tomorrow, and a half day on Wednesday, with a seminar the other half day. Then, it is off to Vegas where I plan to make more money in 72 hours than I will in the next 72 months. My liver hurts just thinking about it. Also, low 80's and sunny every day. Fuckin' a.

OTHER NOTES:

-The wedding was great, fun was had by all. We may just have to do it again for Schmock in November.

-The Packers had the worst 26-0 win ever yesterday. I gave the Lions WAY too much credit this year. They didn't even try. I realize they had no Megatron, but holy shit were they awful. Marquand Manuel (who has his own OJSFA award based on how bad he was during his season in Green Bay 4 years ago)? How is that guy doing anything but bagging groceries? Ditto for Ryan "2.9 yds a carry" Grant.

-Fucking Vikings. What other team would have the other team miss a 44 yard FG in a dome to win?

-I may still lose to Mark's half fantasy football team due to the fact that Moss and Schaub scored like 100 points by themselves yesterday. Need 27 from Rivers/Gates, which should be done, but you never know.

-59-0. Yikes.

-Fucking Jeter just hit a leadoff homer. This is starting to hamper the possibility of an ALCS game in Vegas.

R.I.P. Our Friend Mark

Weddings are a magical time. A time when love between a man and a woman (or a man and a man or woman and women, but definitely not between a man and a llama) is solemnized in front of (Sports Bottle's) god for all of time (or until the bitch cheats). It tends to get dusty at weddings (fuck you guys) as well. But mostly, if you aren't the one getting married, it is a time to put on a tux, stand in place for an hour in a hot ass church, and look at your watch every 14 seconds and ask yourself "Is this shit almost over yet? Fuck! I'm thirsty and I know there is a couple of cases of beer in that bus in the parking lot." It is also a time to check the score of the Badger game every 3 minutes on your BlackBerry. It is a time to eat family style broasted chicken when you are super ass drunk. It is a time to get blacked out while Richard gets his third wind, requests "Billie Jean" and dances his face off. And finally, it is a time to mourn the death of a good friend. So if you aren't at the wedding (or if you are) at around 2 p.m., I would ask you to pour out some of that 40 oz for Mark. It was nice to know you.

MORE VEGAS

In response to my brother's semi-monthly post. Sorry about the date switch, wish you could be there. Sports Bottle takes full blame for this because he had 7 other vacations to squeeze in and plan around, and I guess this works better. I hope you really did send me that check. I might toss a few bucks on the under for Bucks wins as well. I bet the O/U is like 35. Also, sign up for Fantasy Basketball you fuck. I don't care if you ever check your roster, but we are stuck at 7 right now and need an even number. Fucking Jeff Higgins. Goddamn was that awesome. But I seriously hope we don't run into him. 5 days, 22 hours until takeoff.

PICKS

Last Week: 8-6
Season: 41-35
All-Time: 175-161-8

Cin (-5), Det (+14), Min (-3), NYG (+3), Pit (-15), Car (-3), Was (-7), Jax (-10), Ari (+3), Phi (-15), NE (-10), NYJ (-10), Atl (-3), SD (-4)

A few comments on the lines. Didn't Jacksonville just lose 41-0 last week? How the fuck are they favored by 10 over anybody???? And yet I picked them because the Rams are that bad. Also, that Philly over Oakland line could be 30 and I would probably take it.

Green Bay wins 34-24. I don't think the Lions are that bad. They've looked feisty this year. But if Megatron is out, I don't see any way they beat us. I figure they will get a TD on special teams, and BF Culpepper will run one in. A-Rodg should have a big day despite getting sacked 9 times. Grant doesn't make to the sidelines until the middle of the second quarter because he falls down every 2.9 yards trying to walk from the locker room to the sidelines. B-Jax makes a good debut in his place averaging like 5 yds a carry and getting 6 catches out of the backfield, but McCarthy then promptly benches him for Grant with no rhyme or reason.

I think (#22)Bucky eeks one out v. (#2)Iowa for some reason. It is a good rivalry game, and always close regardless of record. I'm seeing 21-20 for some reason.

Rooting Interests, Gas Cans, F*ckfaces & Drinks

I have had this issue come up and I want to clarify my position on it for the benefit of, well nobody fucking reads this, so for myself. It has come to my attention that the bosses' wife, who is loud and opinionated at all times, and whom I have almost physically assaulted on numerous occasions because her views are always directly opposite of mine, roots for the Vikings when they are not playing the Packers. My boss had made a comment about how she needed to "tone it down" or something, then proceeded to tell me that he roots for "NFC Central" teams when the Packers aren't playing or are eliminated or whatever.

Not surprisingly, I have a problem with this.

Now buckle up, because here comes my opinion. In professional sports, especially the NFL, you are not allowed to root for any of your rivals. In the Packers case this especially means the teams in their division. If the Packers are out of it, it doesn't matter. No amount of joy is allowed to come to Viking, Bear or Lion fans. Ever. Period.

Well, you might say, why can't I root for a team from our division out of some bullshit divisional pride? It doesn't work that way in the NFL. There is no real divisional pride. Divisions are created by geography and on occasion to preserve old rivalries. They are not a separate entity. In football, all teams are generally on the same economic level, so it isn't like the NFC North is a bunch of mid-majors that carry the aura of the Midwest (like the NL Central might in baseball, but I've already laid out those rooting rules. Much of which have to do with economics). The other teams in our divisions are just a bunch of pricks with asshole fans who root against my team.

The only time in my mind that it is acceptable to root for a rival at all is in baseball (where I laid out the rules two weeks ago) in rare occasions, and in college sports. In college sports, it is acceptable to root for a Big Ten or Missouri Valley team in the postseason, as a way to validate your team, because conferences are separate entities. The Big Ten are competing as a league with the SEC, Big 12, etc. for revenue. Plus, if the Big Ten team wins, the other teams in the Big Ten benefit by sharing the money, and potentially earning more TV revenue, because again, they are all separate entities. College is completely different from the pros.

So, in closing, if you root for the Vikings, Bears, or Lions at any time, you are not a Packer fan at any time either. And you are a fucking moron.

GAS CANS

The number of saves blown in the playoffs so far have been unreal. Off the top of my head, Joe Nathan, Jonathan Papelbon, Huston Street, Ryan Madson and Ryan Franklin have all completely melted down at least once in a save situation. And all of these guys are "front line" closers. I can't decide if this validates the Brewers signing Hoffman because good closers are so hard to find, or if it tells you that no matter how much you spend, these guys can still cost you the season.

GREAT game last night by the way. I'm pretty disappointed in my rooting interests performances so far. For those keeping score at home, you should be rooting for the Dodgers over Phillies (because let's face it, people from Philly are assholes. This is completely based on the fight I nearly got into after "4th and 26" with an Eagles fan) and Angels over Yankees. Let's just hope they can get to game 6 in both series so we can watch in Vegas.

F*CKFACES

"This is the most talented team I've ever been a part of". -- He Who Shall Not Be Named. Who must've been blacked out on pills during 1996 and 1997, when the Packers had two of the best teams probably ever. Adrian Peterson is clearly better than any running back he ever had (Ahman Green isn't that far off either), but name me one other player that could've started on either of those teams. Maybe one of the Williamses? He Who Shall Not Be Named at age 40 would not be starting over himself at 27. He is a fucking moron and I hope he dies a tragic death at some point this season.

DRINKS

Mark's wedding Saturday. I might have a few drinks. We'll see how I feel.

It just occurred to me that I have just 6.5 days of work left until Vegas. I may also have a few drinks there too.

"They Are Watching Us"

I have somehow managed to survive weekend number 4 in the 4 weekend drinking marathon that has become my life in August 2009. Wisconsin Dells was a pretty cool fucking place to get drunk. The drunk bus that took us around free of charge was a fantastic touch as well. I managed to stay within budget somehow, and not get divorced in the process, which is a plus.

The only complaint I had about the weekend was the Nazi golf rangers that stalked us for the first three holes at the course we golfed at on Saturday. Perhaps it was that Richard and I were like 20 minutes late for our tee time. Perhaps it was that even though we were late, and the ranger was staring at us in disgust, we took the time to shove a case of beer into our golf bags right in front of him. Perhaps it is that we clearly sucked at golf. Whatever it was, it was annoying. Soon they went away, and a everyone got drunk. The round culminated in a sudden death playoff with another team after we choked away a one stroke lead on 18 in our best ball tourney. After we both birdied 18 (and ruined a wedding in the process) was lost on some bullshit putt off. Good thing we never paid up on the bet we lost.

So back to this wedding. Some moron (probably a FIB because there were somewhere in the neighborhood of 200,000 of them in the Dells this weekend. Why do they insist on coming to fucking Wisconsin?) decided it was a good idea to have an outdoor, Saturday afternoon wedding at a golf course, a mere 200 feet from the 18th green. As we are coming down the fairway on 18, we could hear vows being exchanged. Then someone (I think Sports Bottle) shafted one very near the crowd assembled at the wedding, and someone else knocked one off the bar and grill that was right past the wedding. We found the ball I would guess about 150 yds past the bride and groom, who were STILL giving their vows. These were seriously the longest vows ever. Then Sports Bottle hits a ridiculous shot from 75 yards out off this hill right next to the wedding, to get withing 5 feet or so of the hole, and leaving the team with a birdie putt. About 10 people screamed when he plunked the shot on the green (still vows happening). Some douche in a tux comes over and yells at me that "There is a wedding going over hear if you didn't notice. Do you mind?" My response should have been, "well there is a fucking golf match going on here, so can you keep that shit down over there? I'm trying to putt." But I didn't because I am a huge vagina. But it really took some fucking nerve to take that ridiculous position.

After golf, we went back to the hotel, ate, got more drunk, watched the Packers dismantle the Bills, and headed out to the bars/Crusin' Chubby's (which gets high marks). I don't honestly remember a whole helluva lot from the bars. Or afterwards. Schmock was forced to wear red suit pants and a leather vest. He insisted on wearing a t-shirt underneath.

All I know is that the room was fucking trashed in the morning, and if someone doesn't get a bill out of this, I would be shocked. I'm going on a limb and saying it was the worst shape I've ever seen a hotel room in. I was huddled next to the cum stained wall (I don't believe any of us came on the wall, but it is a hotel room, so there is dried up semen everywhere) on the floor, on top of my hat, on top of someones backpack, with my shoes on, and someone else's pillow. The bathroom was covered in vomit backsplash and vomit soaked towels. There was probably an inch of shit on the floor from various chips and crackers. Outside, there was a pile of hotel issued blankets, sheets and pillows covered in vomit. Also outside our room: one wet sleeping bag (which may have been wet with vomit or urine), about three tipped over coolers, a whole bunch of empty cans and bottles and shot glasses. Oh, and there was a hookers' severed leg shoved behind the TV (I couldn't find the rest of her).

The ride home yesterday sucked. And just because you had a bachelor party, doesn't mean you have to get married.

I Beat My Wife

So I finally finished off beating my wife (in our bracket competition) last night. North Carolina (I still hate them) provided the final dagger. This is the second time I've badly beaten my wife (in a bracket) in order to make money, or electronics. She doesn't like it much when I beat her (at a bracket competition). I've pretty much got beating her (in a bracket) down to a science. Although, she isn't very good at preventing me from beating her (in a bracket). Overall, I thoroughly enjoy beating my wife (in a bracket competition).

So what does this all mean? Well, it means that I have an extra $100 to blow when we don't go on our Vegas trip Labor Day weekend. And for all four of you that are reading this and thinking "What a pussy. Why does he have a budget?" (especially since you fucks are going to let me down and we won't end up going anyway). Well dickheads, it is because I'm fucking married. And there is a budget for everything. It is for the best. That is why I had to beat her (at a bracket competition) to get an extra $100 out of her. Twinkie is the only one that could possibly understand.