Milwaukee Bucks Follow Up To The Previous Post

I've seen less than one Bucks game this year, but nobody pays me to do this, so you really shouldn't care.  If the Internets are about anything, they are about spewing uninformed opinions on things.  So I don't watch the Bucks, but growing up in Wisconsin, I DO care about their existence, and want them to do well.

So when UCSB brought up the NBA lottery to me, I immediately thought of what the Bucks were going to do.  I spend more time concerned about who the Bucks will draft than I do thinking about the actual season.  The Bucks have largely DERPed their way to .500 for the past 20 years, and have not drafted particularly well with their first pick (GREEK FREAK pending).  The NBA has also conspired against the Bucks (and most other small market teams) for years.  (See the 2001 Eastern Conference Finals #NEVERFORGET).  So here is what is bound to happen.  The Bucks will get whichever pick forces them to take the African Greg Oden, Joel Embiid.  He's tall.  Jabari Parker and Andrew Wiggins will go on to become legends.  The Bucks will be the 8th seed for the next decade.  David Stern will laugh from his grave. (He's dead right?)

Do or Die

Well, today is put up or shut up time for the Deer. Game 7. Can the Bucks figure out how to make a basket? Will they realize that Al Horford can't guard Brandon Jennings? Will Jennings and Salmons drive to the hoop on switches rather than settling for jumpshots? Will David Stern allow a Bucks victory (see 2001 Eastern Conference finals)? Lots of questions to be answered. Noon. ABC. Winner gets to see Dwight Howard put up 30 and 20 against them four times.

In another do or die situation, Hoffman came in and looked not terrible, an inning after Hawkins cam in and looked not terrible, an inning after Yo did his best Yo impression single handedly getting a win with pitching and an HR. Is it just me or do the fans in San Diego (at least last night) not completely understand baseball? They were raining boos on EVERY call, good and bad against the Padres, after Adrian Gonzalez and Bud Black got kicked out for complaining about a pitch right down the middle. Finally, does anyone understand why Craig Coshun does a bunch of Brewer games in place of Brian Anderson? Is Anderson on TBS on weekend? Does anyone care?

Soup Watch: 3/31

Well, this seems awfully convenient, doesn't it? Somehow, every time we have a guy making an obscene amount of money to suck, he turns up with a mysterious injury at the exact time that management is forced to do something. Derrick Turnbow, Eric Gagne, Bill Hall, Jeff Suppan (twice). All of those players were so bad that our hand was forced into doing something with them. All made far too much money for a small market team to justify getting rid of them. So what happens? Some kind of injury crops up out of the blue. You are really going to sit here and tell me that he had a fucking injury as painful as a neck injury and managed to pitch like 6 spring training games??? I'm going to go ahead and call shenanigans on this.

At the end of the day, he isn't pitching for us right this second, so this satisfies me. What doesn't satisfy me is that I have to continue being stressed out about the possibility of them deciding he will be the fifth starter in mid-April (since we don't need one until then).

The best case scenario is that Parra, Narveson and Bush are lights out for a few weeks leaving the Crew no choice but to run Suppan over with a car to say he is now out for the year, or cut him.

The worst case scenario is Parra, Narveson or Bush getting hurt or lit up, giving Melvin an excuse to pitch Suppan again.

To me, anything short of TWO of the three getting put on the DL in the first two weeks of the year, would not justify keeping Soup.

Conspiracies, Loonies and Bad Movies

A list of random bullet points, some of which are irrelevant because they are days old:



- I will start with conspiracies. Richard and I logged on to the Twin's website at 9 a.m. sharp to purchase tickets to Brewers v. Twins in May. We were both promptly placed in an online waiting room. About 9:20, we received a message that the tickets were no longer available online....unless, that is, we want to purchase season tickets. First of all, that is fucking ridiculous. But that isn't all. Sunday's game gave us a similar message. A click back on Saturday gave the same message, with a link to StubHub, where there were over a 1,000 tickets available, less than a half hour after tickets went on sale!!! So here goes the conspiracy theory: 1) The Twins are no different than the Vikings when it comes to screwing Wisconsin fans. The Vikings force anyone that wants to buy a ticket to the Packer game to buy a preseason game too. I believe the Twins want season tickets sales, so they are doing whatever they can to get it. 2) There is no fucking way all of the available tickets were put up for sale on Saturday. While it is feasible to sell out a large number of weekend games over the course of a half day or so, there is no way every ticket was sold in 20 minutes. Even if we assume that 22,000 (which is the latest estimate I heard) were gone by way of season tickets. That means that nearly 18,000 tickets had to go in 20 minutes. This translates to nearly 1,000 tickets a minute, which, is fucking impossible. 3) It is also pretty unlikely that within 20 minutes, 1,000 of these alleged 18,000 ended up on StubHub.

I believe that the Twins not only held back a number of the single game tickets, but also put some on Stub Hub themselves to try to raise Joe Mauer money.

So now, I have to wait it out and hope to get a $20 ticket for less than $50.

-I saw a horrible movie on Saturday. "Brooklyn's Finest" is an absolute piece of shit. And I wanted to like it. But I couldn't even justified being entertained despite giving it the benefit of the doubt, and the gratuitous violence, nudity and harsh language (all of which are requirements for me to love a movie). The story (or stories) was just so bad and pointless that the other things couldn't overcome it. Two of the three main characters (Ethan Hawke and Richard Gere) were depressing and unlikeable. The other main character (Don Cheadle) was the only one I cared about at all, and even he (who I love) was not able to carry the other two thirds of the shitty movie. The only other good thing was that the scenes appear to have really been shot in Brooklyn's projects. So to recap: nudity + violence + swearing + Don Cheadle - an awful story= 3 out of 10. I would not even recommend renting it.

-LT to Viking fans: Fuck you. I don't want to play with He Who Shall Not Be Named. And your coach sucks.

-For the first time in recent memory, Bucky didn't get hosed by the selection committee. I like their path to Kentucky in the Sweet 16. And from there? Who knows? I am going to have to DVR the game Friday because they play at 1:50. Which is going to ruin my whole Friday afternoon because I will be a) stressed out about some asshole ruining it, and b) won't be able to watch the games while they are happening.

The La Crosse Theory

Thanks to Richard for the heads up on this. I really, really, don't have time to do this right now, but I am passionate enough about the cause that I'm going to help Richard out and regurgitate my theory, which I've probably already done somewhere.

A dude named Craig Meyers was found in the Mississippi River in La Crosse earlier this week. Craig was a 21 year old college student, appeared to be in decent enough shape, and had been out drinking in La Crosse. This makes the NINTH male in his early to mid-20's that allegedly got drunk and drown in the Mississippi River in La Crosse since 1997.

A little history may be in order here. I am a 2003 graduate of UW-La Crosse, as is Sports Bottle. Richard (frequent commenter, avid swimmer) is a 2004 graduate. From 1999 to 2003 (and often enough in 2004) we probably got drunk a minimum of three times a week, and often 4 or 5 times. I am going to say that the majority of those times we ended up in the main bar district area of La Crosse. I should also explain that when I say we got drunk, I don't mean that we got a little tipsy and crawled in a car with a DD or called a cab. I mean, we got annihilated and stumbled the half mile or so home in the middle of the night. People not from Wisconsin cannot comprehend how drunk we are capable of getting. Trust me, I lived in Nebraska for three years, those people have no clue what it means to be Wisconsin drunk. I'm not bragging, I'm just stating fact so that you can understand my theory here. Between Wednesday and Saturday nights in La Crosse (not unlike most college towns in Wisconsin) there are many, many drunk people milling around. Both men and women. In fact, my wife falls in nearly the same category as I do as far as getting super drunk in La Crosse and stumbling around town. So trust me when I tell you that there are not only guys blacked out and walking around. Some might say it is an epidemic, I call it fun, but that isn't the point.

If you aren't familiar with the layout of La Crosse, the campus of UW-La Crosse, and all of the living area where a college age student would be, starts about 24th street or so (24 blocks from the river). The bars/hotels are mostly on 3rd street (3 blocks from the river) and there are a few hotels on 2nd street (but there aren't really any bars closer than 3 blocks from the river). In order to get to the actual water of the river itself, you would have to walk through a park and down a fairly long/jagged pile of large rocks, or jump off of a bridge. There aren't any flat spots anywhere near the river for someone to decide to go swimming, and there aren't any spots that I know of other than a bridge, where you could jump straight down into the river.

So now that you have that general frame of reference, here is the theory. The only explanation that makes any sense is a female serial killer. Follow me here. I estimate that I've been super duper drunk approximately 450 times in La Crosse (12 times a month, 10 months, 4 years) which may even be conservative. I have never even ONCE wandered the wrong direction towards the river. And if you did, you would immediately notice that there are a) no lights in that direction and b) a large body of water in front of you. But even if you think: "Hey asshole, what if these guys can't hand their booze as well as you and are so blacked out that they aren't sure where they are, or are unfamiliar?" First, I would submit that it is pretty rare for someone in their 20's to get that drunk all by themselves. Usually at least ONE person would be with them. And my understanding is that all of the victims here were familiar with the area. I also find it a little too convenient that the victims were all 1) male; 2) early to mid 20's; 3) in fairly decent shape. I think the thing that makes the least sense is that all of the victims are male. There is no lack of females drunk and at the bars in La Crosse. There is no way that if this was all about drinking that there wouldn't be at least ONE female victim. So my theory is that there is a female serial killer (whether part of a larger group or not, I dunno) that is meeting these guys at the bar and luring them away from the group and somehow drugging them with something untraceable, and pushing them into the river. The victims never have injuries, never have any drugs in their systems, never are anything but drunk. Maybe one of these people actually wandered into the river. Maybe one killed themselves by jumping off of a bridge. But NINE???? No fucking way. Finally, consider the layouts of other campuses/bar areas in the state for a moment:

Green Bay: bar district one block from the Fox River, on BOTH sides of the river
Eau Claire: giant fucking river/narrow walking bridge that is heavily traveled over said river
Milwaukee: Water Street anyone? Many, many other bars on bodies of water.
Appleton: Bars about three blocks from the River, college campus right on it.
Oshkosh: drunk people and water all over town
Madison: two fucking lakes basically right on campus
River Falls: I presume there is a river somewhere
Menominee: River

Number of drunk/drowning deaths that I'm aware of: ZERO. I'm not 100% positive on most of the places, but I'm positive on Green Bay and Appleton. This just doesn't happen anywhere else. People that blame drinking problems in La Crosse for these deaths can't explain this factor to me.

I'm really, truly not trying to make light of this. I'm dead serious. I feel terrible for the families of these guys, and I'm just trying to make sense of this while the media and police treat the victims like irresponsible, drunken assholes.

There are just too many coincidences here for me. Now, I should probably get going before I get fired.

Thoughts from other UW attendees? Wisconsin bar patrons?

New Award?

I'm pretty sure that Richard became the first owner in OJSFA history to draft a kicker who was suspended by the league four weeks later for use of a banned stimulant. I am personally holding Richard and the "A-Rodg's Grapefruit" staff responsible for their obvious role as well. I don't think it is a coincidence that he was cut a mere two weeks after the draft, and a mere 9 days before his suspension. League officials are continuing their investigation, and may lay down sanctions on the franchise.

Problem with creating a new award for "First Kicker Suspended for use of a Banned Stimulant" is that it isn't likely to happen again. So maybe it can be a special award, like a lifetime achievement award or the courage award, that is always given out at those other bullshit awards shows.

In other news, BET has agreed to televise the 4th annual OJSFA Awards Banquet, hosted by Scorpio Babers, in the coveted 4 a.m. timeslot on a cold night in January. Unfortunately, we are spending all of the profits on white table linens, gift bags and appearance fees for presenters, so there will be none to share with the rest of you assholes. Al Cowlings, Leslie Nielsen and that dude that played Cochroach on "The Cosby Show" have also committed as presenters. The Jackson 4 have signed on as musical guest.

King James is a pussy

Really Lebron? This is what you were so afraid of? Jesus tap dancing christ man, that is pretty weak. You were out of position and the kid got a nice screen around his man and you and he got an easy dunk. I'm beginning to think this is a huge publicity stunt.

Something something... Knicks something something... cap and trade something something... dark side.

Conspiracy Theory!!!

So here is my latest conspiracy theory regarding He Who Shall Not Be Named. I've not seen this theory, nor read it anywhere else, although that doesn't mean it is original. So here is what we allegedly are being convinced is true by "sources":

Exhibit 1: Out of nowhere, we are attacked by flashes across the bottom of the screen during Game 2 of the NBA finals, that He had surgery and "is not convinced his shoulder is good enough to consider coming out of retirement". Whatever the fuck that means. I'm going to pretend not want to bitch about this blurb, and take it as true.

Exhibit 2: The Viqueens had previously refused to acknowledge that they are in fact interested in His services.

Exhibit 3: The Viqueens had previously refused to deny that they are in fact interested in His services.

Exhibit 4: This alleged surgery has a recovery time of like 4 more alleged weeks.

Exhibit 5: Today, there is no way He could play a game, and according to "sources" He won't commit until He is sure that His brittle old ass can throw a football.

Exhibit 6: Also out of left field, the Viqueens have allegedly given Him a deadline of the end of the week to piss or get off the pot.

Exhibit 7: Anyone recall how His last alleged deadline turned out? You know. The one he was allegedly given by Thompson to retire or not?

So this is what we are led to believe as true. Here is my conspiracy theory. The Viqueens are NOT in fact, AT ALL interested in He. The Viqueens have, and rather shrewdly I think, led their semi-retarded fan base along for the past two months, and also led the semi-retarded He along, to a) sell badly needed season tickets, b) drum up media coverage and c) piss off Green Bay. The Viqueens have played as long as they can without completely poisoning their current roster, and are now bailing by giving a deadline that He can't possibly comply with to shift the fan bases blame to Him, while pretending they were really interested all the time, but needed to move on.

In other words, this was all a gigantic sham orchestrated by someone in the Viqueen front office (definitely not Mr. Noodles Brad Childress, who can't figure out how to MAKE noodles), that He was a pawn in, only he was too stupid to realize it.

If any of this is true, it is the most genius thing ever to come from Minnesota with the exception of the Blizzard, roller blades and "Fargo".

WHAT WILL REALLY HAPPEN: He'll probably play for the Queens because He is an asshole, and I have to pretend he never played for the Packers.

Conspiracy Theories!

I wasn't going to type anything today because I wanted to see how long we could keep our riveting Slim Fast discussion going. Today in the comment section, I think we should concentrate on really listening to our partners, and tips for doing so....

But seriously, I came into "work early" this morning, which for me means to waste as much time as I can before doing any actual work, and then making it completely pointless to come in early, since I didn't get anything done anyway. And I hear a pretty good rumor, and am starting one too. Because I love me some conspiracies.

Conspiracy #1: This has started to wane a little since A-Rod is going to attempt to play through his injury, but I heard this yesterday: That baseball a) doesn't want A-Rod to really admit anything wrong, b) doesn't want to embarrass their biggest star with a publicized suspension, c) wants to punish him for fucking up. So they make up an injury that is invisible to the naked eye, and that is coincidentally going to keep him out about 10 weeks, which according to my calculations, would be around mid-May, and right around 50 games, which coincidentally, is exactly the suspension for a first time offense under the steroid policy. I heard this on local sports radio the other day, so I can't take credit.

Conspiracy #2: I'm making this up. ESPN last night was tossing around all the third basemen the Yankees would look to get if A-Rod was out awhile. Bobby Crosby, Mark Tehean, and some other losers came up. But you know who didn't come up, but SHOULD have? How about Billy Hall? Wouldn't THIS be a fucking blessing? Not only are you shedding an enormous (for the Brewers) salary on a below average player, but you'll get something probably pretty good in return, AND it gives you an excuse to bring up your choice of Matt Gamel or Alcides Escobar. Believe me, Billy is VERY available. CALL ME BRIAN CASHMAN!!

-Arch Madness tonight: CU v. Wichita at 6 p.m.

-Video Game news: I think I'm going to use the 45 seconds of personal time I have between now and April 15th to buy MLB '09: The Show. Reportedly the best baseball game ever.

Retailers Have Spoken, Aaron Rodgers Sucks

I wish I had myself a digital camera to carry around, but I don't, so you'll have to use your imagination. I was walking around the mall in GB yesterday and popped into the Finish Line because I was thinking about getting a Brewer jersey. As I'm walking through the store I notice a rack of Packer jerseys. Not unusual. Packer jerseys probably do double the sales of Brewer jerseys even when they are in the offseason. Anyway, this particular rack has two jerseys on it facing the outside. On the right is the #4 Brett Favre jersey, still selling for regular price, and probably still doing pretty well in sales. Again, not unusual, he could run for supreme dictator of Wisconsin and win. He is a hall of famer, and his jerseys will be bought and sold forever. The interesting thing was the jersey on the left side of the rack was #11 Brian Brohm......I want to let that sink in for a minute....OK. That should do it. Given a choice of which jersey to sell apparently, Finish Line went with Brian Brohm over Aaron Rodgers. There were no #12 jerseys in the store. And as far as most Packer fans are concerned, they aren't used to the idea of anyone but Favre at QB, so it wasn't because the #12 was sold out.

If we were in the Packer Pro Shop, seeing a Brian Brohm jersey wouldn't be that wierd, because you could probably pick up a Matt Flynn or Patrick Lee jersey just as easily. Also, there would be plenty of Rodgers jerseys. Finish line is the kind of store that only sells popular items when it comes to jerseys: i.e. Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, LDT, etc. So to see a Brohm jersey and no Rodgers jersey is bizarre to say the least.

My point here is that major U.S. retailers are firmly behind Brian Brohm, and assuming Rodgers will splinter his femur in training camp. Or there is some type of conspiracy to assassinate him, that has been cooked up by the retail industry and Brian Brohm's people.