I Hate The Gym

Reasons I hate the gym.

1. I'm chubby.

2. I don't have bulging muscles

3. Even though I pay them like $50/month, they never recognize me at he door

4. As soon as I started paying $50/month, they offered "new members" $10/month

5. There is a mysterious layer of fluid on the locker room floor which is either: water from outside, urine, sweat, shower residue, pool residue, or 100% pure AIDS

6. The locker I want is always full of some dude's shit that doesn't use a lock.

7. As soon as I pick an empty locker, some meathead or fat dude goes to the locker RIGHT next to me to crowd me while I'm trying to change.

8. As soon as I pick an empty locker, some dude walks out of the shower with his wang everywhere.

9. Strange wang.

10. Trying to balance on one foot so that my bare foot doesn't touch the locker room floor while I'm changing socks. Because it would fall off.

11. The random half tissue/piece of toilet paper stuck in the wetness on the floor

12. Going to the gym at all.

13. The dude in the locker room bathroom that is in the stall clearly letting loose an all liquid shit due to the laxitives he is taking.

14. The dude clearly shooting steroids in the bathroom stall.

15. The dude that doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom and immediately uses the piece of equipment you wanted.

16. The guy that showers at the gym at 6pm for no reason.

17. The guy that shaves at the gym at 6pm for no reason.

18. The guy that leaves his fucking shaved whiskers all over the bathroom sink at the gym.

19. The people that not only don't lock up their shit, but refuse to even use a locker even though there are quite a few available, and leave their shit on the floor.

20. How the soap dispenser dispenses soap in such a way that I can't possibly judge where it is going to end up. All I know is that it won't end up on my hands.

21. How due to the $10/month memberships, there are always 12 people signing up for a membership.

22. How the gym is fucking packed, yet they keep herding in these assholes because they know that they do auto-withdrawals and people are lazy and stupid and will forget to not pay for at least a few months.

23. Waiting to do something at the gym.

24. People that seemingly go to the gym for the sole purpose of filling up 32 oz. water bottles at the bubbler. You rude fucks.

25. The people that will go to a weight machine and sit there like an old/fat piece of shit for a half hour with no regard for anyone else at the gym, because they are a stupid fuckhead. DO YOUR SET AND GET THE FUCK UP!!!!!

26. The dirty ass floors.

27 The dirty ass gym mats.

28. The random pubes everywhere.

29. The people that wear their dirty ass shoes in the gym that leave pieces of gravel and shit everywhere.

30. Lifting weights.

31. Ab work.

32. The guys that scream like they are dying while they lift weights.

33. The guys that are 5'8" 260 lbs with 74" biceps that do one rep and then throw the 745 lbs of weight on the ground to see how much noise they can make.

34. Making eye contact with any of the gorillas.

35. Doing cardio work.

36. People walking on the treadmill for an hour. Fucking walk outside if you want to walk you lazy fuck.

37. The terrible music at the gym.

38. The fact there are 5 flat screen TVs and two are turned to Fox News.

39. That there are 5 HD TVs, yet they manage to have two of them not in HD at all times.

40. When I get to my locker after the workout, the naked dudes are still there waiting for me.

41. The meathead screaming christian rock to himself while it is just him and I in the locker room.

Border War, 10K, Saturday

This coming Saturday is going to be one of the most insane and potentially awesome Saturdays in a very long time. At 8 a.m., the wife and I are slated to run in a 10K in Green Bay. At 6 p.m. we are scheduled to be nestled in our seats at the lovely Miller Park, smashed out of our gords to watch the Crew forcibly rape the Minnehaha Twinkies with 14 of our acquaintances.

The race is not going to be fun at all. We ran 6 miles a few weeks ago, and I felt my eyes start to bleed about mile 5. The 10k is like 6.2 or 6.3 or some shit (stupid fucking metric system). If I am somehow to survive that, I have to try not to strangle my wife while she takes far too long to get ready to sit in a car for 2 hours and then get really drunk, and I get the shakes from lack of alcohol.

The hope is to get to Milwaukee around 1 to start drinking, and get to Miller Park around 3 I would guess. Somehow, I am going to end up having to drive and ruining my entire day, because that is how things seem to work where everyone wants to get drunk and someone has to drive.

I am all geared up for the game. I bent over and purchased my first ever Brewer jersey. Which is odd because I have had about a dozen Packer jerseys. Other than a Baltimore Orioles jersey I got on clearance, I've never had a baseball jersey at all. Either way, the honor is bestowed on the Hebrew Hammer. Comforted by his long term deal and his long length (albeit uncircumcised) dick, he was the obvious choice. I went with the white "retro-Friday" or "retro-Sunday" or whatever the fuck it is this year, because it was cool and it was cheaper than either the true 1982 home or away jerseys. (The one I really wanted). The only difference between mine and the '82 home jersey is that the number isn't outlined in yellow and there is no patch on the arm(which is pretty fucking cool, but not $25 cool). Prediction is that I spill some type of dark beer on it by about 2:30 p.m. and walk around with a gigantic stain on it the rest of the day.

As far as the game goes, a preview will be in the offing at some point this week because I fucking hate the Twins. Game on Saturday was so sold out that we had to go to StubHub.com to get tickets. There are going to be a bunch of faggots and their bitches at the game in Kirby Puckett jerseys I'm sure. Someone will be shot on Water St. later that night. This is all assuming that the sewer didn't back up all over Miller Park or that it wasn't washed away by a fucking dam (god damn?) bursting.

-I never got to mention how large Solomon Torres's sack is after that ridiculous save on Sunday.

-Billy Hall bends over and moves to second because God (and his damn?) has blessed us with a Rickie Weeks knee injury. I hope it is as not serious as Eric Gagne's shoulder that has had him day-to-day for a month.

The Morning Dump Vol. 3

- The Brewers playoff chances have fallen to 6.19% by not playing yesterday. No word on whether their chances fell by not firing Neddy yesterday. I have to admit, I got my hopes up. Although he has been brutal, I would have been slightly surprised if the hammer came yesterday. I have fallen short of demanding his head thus far, as he is clearly only part of the problem, but if they don't win 4 of 6 by the end of Sunday I am going to be in full Fire Neddy mode.

- I watched most of the Hornets-Spurs game and was slightly disappointed by the overall game itself. Got pretty good with about 2 minutes left, but the Spurs imposed their will and slowed the game down. Seriously, I might never watch the NBA again (which wouldn't be much less than right now) if the Spurs and Pistons meet in the Finals again.

- I heard the Bucks have a 4.3% chance of getting the number 1 pick tonight at the NBA's Draft Lottery. If they do get it, they will fuck it up somehow and draft Beasley to go with the other 14 SF/PF types they have on their team. And I don't really think Derrick Rose would make me want to watch the Bucks right now. They would need to turn into the Phoenix Suns, which Skiles isn't likely to do.

- I saw Aaron Rodgers on the news last night. He was in some celebrity softball game in GB. His hair is now past his shoulders, and it looks like he hasn't showered in about a month. If he had the 'stache back he would look like he was homeless or a biker. I look for a picture but couldn't find one. Needless to say though, it is ridiculous.

- I bought an Ipod shuffle yesterday because my real Ipod is getting old and malfunctioning when I run with it. It is the size of a postage stamp and fits like 250 songs on it. I am just amazed by it. That being said, I will lose it in the next week.

-Last day on my current job is tomorrow, so as a fair warning, posts are going to be less frequent and at different times starting next week.