(Sports Bottle's) God Hates the Packers

BAD JUJU

So it sounds entirely possible that going into to their "home game" at TCF Bank Stadium against the Bears, the Viqueens will be starting not He Who Shall Not Be Named, not Traveiououeys Jackson, but Joe fucking Webb. Seriously, what did the Packers organization do to piss off (Sports Bottle's) God? Why does (Sports Bottle's) God love the Bears? Off the top of my head, this is at least the THIRD must lose game that they have played against a 3rd string QB (Panthers, Dolphins, Vikings). The chances of this happening are absolutely astronomical. Fuck. Me. I wanted to play the Bears two weeks in a row anyway (assuming we actually beat the Giants and Bears and possibly the Pats).

ARE THE PHILLIES THE MIAMI HEAT OF THE NATIONAL LEAGUE

The Yanks and Sox are obviously the Heat of the AL. No argument there. But why is Cliff Lee getting blown by everyone and their brother for taking less money (kind of) to play for the Phillies? Isn't going into a rotation with the best pitcher in baseball Roy Halladay, and two other top 2 starters in Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels, JUST LIKE Le Bron signing on to play with Wade and Bosh? Will everyone get pissed if Halladay, Lee and Oswalt have a pep rally with hip hop music and fake smoke? Wanna know why nobody cares except Yankee fans? 1) Cliff Lee didn't announce his decision on national TV; 2) He didn't stab a long time franchise in the back; 3) the media is racist. So there you go. Le Bron was right.

Packer Stream of Consciousness

In honor of Juice's triumphant return, I offer this series of random thoughts.

I join as the Packers have already coughed up the ball and Drew Stanton gave it right back. Why wouldn't the Lions just keep running the ball?

Who did Jahvid Best piss off?

Just to clarify, there were no Dodge Challenger SRTs during the Revolutionary War. There may have been Chargers, though.

I do agree with Juice about the Pack by more than 7 (Jesus, that Dodge commercial is on AGAIN). But I didn't take the point spread today. I took the money line in an 11 team parlay.

I am starting a Dodge Revolutionary War commercial tally. I think we are at 3 but it could be 4.

I am pleased that I'm not working today. This weather makes for a very busy shift.

The Lions suck every year. I don't care how close the games have been. 2-10 sucks no matter how you look at it.

They keep talking about Woodson vs Johnson but I Tramon seems to be covering him.

Its the first commercial every time - 4. I'm not a fan of the Challenger. It's boring.

My recent cohabitation has some huge advantages. Tops on that list is the fact she's doing all the Christmas shopping. She loves it. I hate it. It works out.

Starks runs hard, but he will never break a tackle.

I'm thinking about ordering that cheesy bites pizza.

After almost an entire fantasy football season I need to point out that every single game I've watched/listened to that had one or more opposing fantasy player, said fantasy player/players have scored a touchdown. It is absolutely unbelievable. Last week I was in a close matchup going into the Colts Sunday night game. I had Peyton Manning. My opponent had Reggie Wayne. Wayne outscored Manning by 2 to 1. How is that possible? I will never get used to a point per reception. I hate it. One week I was listening to one game on the radio and they cut to a Lions game that was at the end of the 4th quarter. They stayed with that game for one play and that one play was a Calvin Johnson touchdown (I was playing against him).

Wow Jennings. Was that a volleyball set? That pass was perfect and Jennings gently sets it to the DB for the pick. I'm getting a very bad feeling about this game. It's very similar to the Bears game. We're gonna have 14 turnovers but lose by a FG or less.

The D is stepping up. Clutch stop on 3rd and less than 1.

Other than the score, that's about as bad a first quarter as the Packers can have.

Too many 3rd and longs.

False start, 3rd and longer.

3rd and long. Here comes a play that has no chance of a first down.

Yep, short dump pass to Kuhn.

I may be the only one, but I like the FOX dancing robot dude.

Vikings game to be played in Detroit? There will be 6 people in attendance.

A reverse should never work in the NFL, but Calvin Johnson just gained 10+.

I would like to thank Schmock for drafting my crappy team and for also drafting his awesome team. Speaking of Schmock, his house will be our New Years Day destination.

INT!!!! I may have to buy Drew Stanton a beer after the game.

Continuing...... Last year, Schmock and significant other were randomly in my town on New Years Day so they randomly come over at 9am. It turns out to be one of the greatest random drinking days in history. We won a bunch of money and drank for 12 hours. We're gonna attempt to recreate that day although Mrs Schmock is +1 and won't be able to enjoy the alcoholic beverages. The Badgers play a midday Rose Bowl game, which will make the day that much more fun.

First two things I will implement when I become NFL commissioner.

1. 15 yard penaly every time a player signals first down after getting a first down.
2. Automatic turnover every time a receiver begs for pass interference.

Also, I'm mulling over what kind of penalty to assess when a special teams loser goes absolutely crazy after making a tackle on punt/kickoff return, especially when getting blown out.

3rd and 11 - quick out route by Driver. WHAT THE FUCK? We are not even trying for a 1st down on 3rd and long.

Gulliver's Travels - looks like a fun movie.

What's a jackwagon?

If the Lions stop passing the ball, they will win.

I've officially joined the world of online gaming. I joined Xbox live about a month ago. It's a lot of fun. I'm playing Call of Duty Black Ops and Need For Speed Hot Pursuit. Both very good games. I get my ass kicked at Call of Duty. Everyone else has been playing all the Call of Duty games for years. I rule at Need for Speed so I'm playing that more often.

Who wants to come to my Million Dollar Money Drop party?

Fuck, that Jennings drop was huge.

New beer review - Sam Smith Oatmeal Stout. Instantly one of my favorite beers. Simply delicious. Served from a pint bottle.

Has there been a worse 9-3 team than the Bears?

A draw on 2nd and 23 - brilliant.

In 5 weeks I will be relaxing on the beach in Jamaica.

3rd and 17 - screen to Brandon Jackson. 2 yard gain. I'm losing my patience.

We were in Chicago for a couple nights a couple weeks ago. Went to my first Blackhawks game. It was the best live sports event I've ever been to. There were 12 goals, 3 fights and the Blackhawks won. We had great seats. The national anthem was awesome b/c the crowd goes crazy the whole time.

I miss Jermichael Finley.

Ummmmm, Rodgers is out? This is not good.

Could I have picked a more boring half of football to blog? No score.

Another 3rd and over 10. Matt Flynn at QB. Odds aren't good. Short pass to Brandon Jackson.

Rodgers suffered a concussion???????????????????????????????????? Jesus fucking Christ. Fucking idiot. Why do QBs always get hurt if they don't slide?

Why did McCarthy not challenge that Jennings non-catch in the endzone? I like McCarthy, but he has to be the all time worst at challenging plays. He's the best at challenging plays he has no chance of winning and not challenging plays he could win. I think that Jennings play was a catch. The ball bounced but I think his had was under it.

I've ended this post 3 times now but keep coming back to add on. The Packers are about to lose.

What was Flynn thinking with that INT in the end zone? Even without Levy sitting there and the ball hitting him in the chest, that pass still had no chance to be completed. But Flynn never plays, so what else can we expect.

BUT, the play calling at the end was beyond any measure of reason. We have 2nd and short in Lions territory with about 90 seconds remaining. We then run a draw to Brandon Jackson. A. DRAW. TO Brandon Jackson. Then Flynn throws a pass that looks like my dog threw it. And the cherry on top is a deep pass on 4th and 1? Why is that route even part of a pass play on 4th and 1 with a minute remaining? And Flynn does the only possible thing he simply can't do. Jennings doesn't have a chance to catch it and there's no chance for interference b/c it's not catchable.

Packers win easily if Rodgers doesn't get hurt.

Dear God, it's your best buddy 7-3 ifSports Bottle (happy early birthday by the way!!!!!), please give the Patriots a victory. I know you truly care who wins that game. Amen.

I'm done.

Sports Bottle's God

On some website this is what a guy posted, "Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me 'That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb.'"

God bless.

Dancing With The Devil

IN BASKETBALL

I hate to do it. I mean, I REALLY hate to do it. But I have to root for Duke on Saturday. All of my brackets are basically completely trash. The only thing I have to gain from any bracket is one at work, where if Duke wins, somebody has to buy me lunch (surf-n-turf, fo sho). This is like rooting for the Yankees or rooting for a hurricane to take out Haiti the day after they clean up from an earthquake. Or something. Just know that I can't stand Duke, but I like getting free food more.

ON "GOOD FRIDAY"

I am clearly being discriminated against at my workplace. Everyone in the office is a staunch Catholic but me. Everyone is going to church today, but me. Normal "business hours" are 8:30-4:30. Although I generally work much more than this. Today is something called Good Friday. I would ask either Sports Bottle or my brother what that stands for. And the bosses in all of their genius and reasoned forward thinking, and consideration for all other religions/non-religions, have decided to close the office from 12 to 3 so that they can go to church. So my options are to drive 35 minutes each way to sit at home for an hour. Or, sit here and surf the Internets (which I was going to do anyway). I guess I sit and pretend to work and then hope they feel bad and send me home at 3. My guess, they will be all full of religious fervor and stab me in the heart with a wooden cross after drowning me in holy water doesn't work (because I have gills).

I'm not sure what the point of this was other than I'm going to hell.

2/16 Morning Juice

-Interesting-ish week in sports. We've got three USA hockey games (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday), two Badger basketball games (Thursday at Minnesota, Sunday at home v. Northwestern) and I'm sure Creighton probably plays (they are frustrating as shit and I feel I'm becoming bandwagon because I haven't followed all that close, and they are easy to ignore when they are average, P.S. they play nationally popular Northern Iowa tonight). Also, pitchers and catchers on Saturday.

-If the US manages to be in medal round contention by Sunday (not a guarantee, because it is my understanding that they are extremely young), I think it will be probably the second most excited I've ever been for a hockey game. They play Canada who is 1) the favorites; 2) the host and 3) our geographic "rivals". The most excited ever was when the Badgers were in the National Championship game a few years back, which marked the only Badger hockey game I've ever seen sober. There is going to be all sorts of hype around the game and I bet the crowd will be ridiculous. I'm hoping to catch the two weekday games on the DVR.

-Figure skating is awful.

-I'm actually excited for the Brewers to play a spring training game. I'm obviously retarded.

I like what they did in the offseason. They addressed some holes (Looper, Suppan?). Although Wolf and Davis aren't stellar by any means, I can't believe they will be worse, and even average would be an improvement. If Gallardo can a) stay healthy and b) stop throwing 130 pitches through 5 innings, Parra taps into his potential by even getting to average, and somehow Suppan dies and Bush/Narveson/mystery pitcher number 5 can pitch into the 5th without giving up 5 homers on even a semi-regular basis, we should win 5 more games based on pitching alone.

Hitting wise, it is hard to imagine the new 93 year old catcher being worse than Kendall, although I'm sure we will lose a few HBP. We will make up the HBP with a full season (hopefully) from Weeks. Weeks was awesome last year before going down, but it felt a bit like a fluke since I hated him prior to last season. Only a full season from Weeks (which seems unlikely) at his early last season performance would be a true improvement at 2B. Is Escobar better than Hardy? I would say defensively it is probably a wash. Speed is a definite improvement. Hitting? Potentially. Hardy was extremely streaky, and could carry a team for a few weeks by himself. But he was also terrible at times. I would settle for mediocre if he steals a bunch of bases (if Macha lets him). 3B is going to be about the same as last year. I doubt McGehee is going to replicate last season, but Gamel should be improved just based on hype. Bruan is great in LF, Fielder is great at 1B. Hart is slightly below average in RF, but possibly Gerut (who got alot better late last year) and Edmonds (assuming he can man an outfield with a walker) could give some much needed competition. The real key I think is going to be Gomez. Is he any good? I know he's fast, and good on D. But is the speed going to make up for the 25HRs that we would've gotten from Cameron? This feels like my big concern for the offense.

In the bully, we probably got a little better with the addition of Hawkins. Lets just pray (to SportsBottle's god) that Hoffman stays healthy.

Wow. This turned into a whole Brewer season preview accidentally. I'm seeing 80 to 85 wins, and being in a wild card conversation late. The playoffs feel possible if Gallardo turns into an All-Star (not out of the question), Braun and Fielder stay healthy, and Parra/Escobar/Gomez live up to expectations. Which is coincidentally, why baseball still sucks. Because teams like Milwaukee need everything to go right, while the Yanks and Sox can afford for almost nothing to go right, and still get to the postseason.

-I'm hoping to make a few trips to Miller Park (anyone interested?), a trip to the new Target Field for Brewers/Twins/blackout drunk in May, and a trip to Petco in San Diego for a random Padres game in May or June this season.

I Don't Know

That is really the only thing I can use to describe what happened. I don't know.

Two of my bosses (one of whom is almost as much of a fan as me, and who was distraught, and one of whom is not even close (i.e. will now root for the Vikings because they are in the same division) and is seemingly going to move on with his life like nothing happened) tried to talk to me about the game. And I really couldn't say anything. It is almost hard to believe that it happened at all. Like it was some sort of elaborate dream/nightmare that I endured starting back in August, with everything coming crashing down yesterday. I'm not sure that it is fair to just look at yesterday to realize how insane yesterday was. I don't know.

I think to get the full effect, you need to start in the preseason. The whole season was a roller coaster that ended with a 500 foot drop into a brick wall. In the preseason, we dominated everything in sight, and went from possible playoff contender, but probably not a playoff team, to a trendy Super Bowl pick. Then the season shaky, eventually leading to the Tampa loss, which was rock bottom and everyone had unanimously counted us out of any chance of the playoffs (me included). Then everything clicked, on both sides of the ball (except for the 500 yd blip at Pittsburgh), especially on offense, and we rolled to 7-1, and were pretty big presumptive favorites at Arizona.

I had quit at least three times yesterday. Down 17-0, with the offense not working well, and the defense stopping nobody, I didn't have alot of confidence, and I was pretty bummed. Then, we get to 24-10, I'm feeling slightly better, but still not real confident. Then 31-10, I give up again. Then Rodgers starts matching Warner (who by the way, was placed in a Delorean by (Sports Bottle's) god before the game with the flux capacitor set to 1999) throw for throw, we get a ballsy onside kick and eventually things are tied up. Then, we make the mistake of allowing the Cardinals to get the ball back with more than 30 seconds and they march down into chip shot range (give up #3), and Rackers fucking gags. Then we win the toss and I scream, which should tell you right there the problem with the NFL playoff system. Basically, I was convinced that the coin flip was going to decide our season. Well, it turns out that 400+ yds, 4TD passes and a TD run can be wiped out by an unblocked blitzing corner. Enter the brick wall.

Oddly, that was possibly the least soul crushing, soul crushing loss I've ever experienced. Had we been up by three TDs and blew it, it would have been the worst ever. But the fact that the Pack's offense stepped up and played like they did, and McCarthy's decisions on offense and kicking that onside at the absolute perfect time led to a huge comeback made this easier to swallow. At least three times the game was over. We had no business winning that game. You could look at it one way and say "If we score 45, we should win 100% of the time" which is absolutely true. But if you give up 51, and lose the turnover battle 3 to 1, you should lose every time. I'm not at all taking this well mind you, but I'm not going to look back on this loss ten years from now and cringe/panic to change the channel ala: 4th and 26, The Interception/Ice Bowl III (NFC Title loss to Giants), Horse Tooth Helicopter/Super Bowl XXXII, The Fumble/The Catch II. And it SUCKS being on the wrong end of an all-time NFL classic playoff game. And believe me, we will be seeing replays of this game 20 years from now.

Now that I have the "positive" or rather non-negative things out of the way. FIFTY ONE FUCKING POINTS!?!?!!? I don't get it at all. I stole the defensive game plan, and here it was: 1) Don't get within 5 yards of anyone wearing red, they have AIDS; 2) let all of the receivers run free; 3) When they do catch a pass, leave your feet and dive at the receivers with one arm (this applies especially to any linebacker not named Clay Matthews); 4) All blitzing linebacker other than Matthews should get picked up by whatever running back stays into block (see the rest of the year); 5) Repeat. Did we just get completely out game planned on defense? We had the number one defense in the fucking league and we got WORKED. Warner was unreal, but most NFL caliber QBs are going to dominate when they are not being touched and throwing to wide open receivers. By the second half I was chuckling to myself, because I couldn't believe what I was watching. It became funny. And even funnier when we started doing the same thing to them. I can't come up with one single reason why it was that bad. Atari Bigby getting hurt doesn't help, but he wasn't that good to begin with. I don't know. We don't get to the playoffs without the defense, but that was despicable. I don't know.

I just don't know.

Can We Bring Him Along? Pleeease?

Since I obviously love where all of this is going, I thought of a quote that ties all this talk of Sports Bottle's God and Vegas into one tight little package (not involving little boys, edit THAT fucker).

"And the Pope is infallible, we're taught that, Pope can't make a mistake, so I don't know why the Catholic church just doesn't take that motherfucker to Vegas. 'All right, put all the Catholic churches money on 17 black.' [casino sound] '32 red, I'm sorry.' 'No, I don't think you heard, he said 17 black! Thank you! Let's go to Bellagio!""

--David Cross.

He Died For Our Sins, and I Appreciate It

I'm liking where the comments from a previous post are heading. It may be time for me to unveil my thoughts on arks with 2 of every animal, a certain someone walking on water and turning water into wine or that said someone rising from the dead. I paraphrase one of my favorite Family Guy quotes of all time - "How Christian of you. Believe what I believe or I'll hurt you." But maybe I'll refrain myself. That may take this blog in a direction that our Blogmaster might not enjoy along with probably pissing a lot of people off.

In other news - 8 days til Vegas. Not sure how I should greet Twinkie when he gets there. I also can't remember what time Twinkie is getting there. If it's any time after noon I will not be sober so a very large man-hug may seem suitable when he arrives. My girlfriend wasn't too happy when I told her I'll be changing into shorts as soon as we arrive. And just so you guys know, I plan on spending the majority of the daylight hours couped up in a sports book somewhere. The sports book needs to be utilized b/c it's something that can only be used during regular hours. Everything else we do in Vegas can be done 24 hours a day. Besides, you can sit in a sports book for 12 hours, drink non stop, bet minimally and have a great time watching sports all day. I also plan on sports book hunting to determine which is the best. The goal is to find a place with free drinks as long as you're betting. We're staying at Bally's. I hear they're sports book is nice.

(Sports Bottle's) God bless you all!

This day on Twitter!

So a week or so ago, Black Monday, we lost to the Queens on MNF. A day or two after that Bernard Berrian, otherwise known on Twitter as B_Twice commented, what a great weekend for Minnesota sports! Cuz of the Twins and all that shit. Anyways! When I saw that I tweeted at him saying "At least we kept the axe you son of a bitch" and to my surprise he actually responded by saying something to the effect of "I ain't no son of a bitch, I'm the son of a lovely woman". Well because of that I decided to follow him on Twitter, figuring if you can get a fish to nibble once I might be able to land it later on. My biggest plan for Twitter is to get into an epic argument with someone that has some sort of celebrity status and gain some notoriety and exposure for our blog that has 3 regular readers, all of whom are probably also authors for said blog.

Anywho, today he tweets the following, "Just saw a hockey highlight and saw the teams name is the devils. Wow!! How many of u could play for a team with the name the Devils?".

Let that sink in for a minute. This guy is bitching about the word Devils? Really? Sure it's easy for you to put out fake morals and ethics about a word when you are already, for the most part undeservedly, receiving millions of dollars, but then you have the audacity to ask others if they could ever play for that team? Throwing out a hypothetical question to elicit a conditioned response from the masses of people who follow you, just so that they will agree with you and you can all nod your head at the same time for the same reason. The Jersey Devil is a mythical creature, which is what the New Jersey Devils were named after, they are not doing it to promote Satanic rituals or some other crazy shit.

And here's a fact for you Bernard, the answer to your question is, everyone! Everyone who is making less money than whatever they would make if they were good enough to play for the New Jersey Devils, because ethical and moral clarity is a fun trait to have when dealing with hypothetical questions, but when the hypothetical becomes reality you can bet your ass 99.99999% of the people who said no would flip their answer in a heartbeat. Especially with something as trivial as a stupid name derived from a mythical creature which has nothing to do with your "Sun revolves around the Earth" religion.

I'm not sure why that pissed me off so much or why I even bothered to write this out, probably because he's a member of the Queens. Man I really hate the Queens...

Was That Wrong? Should I Not Have Done That?

I don't advocate stabbings (unless it is to Viking or Bear fans). But seriously, don't stab people. And clearly this was self-defense. I mean the guy DID follow him outside to "confront him about his behavior" AKA try to fight the guy, not realizing the guy had a knife. I'm certain the Viking fan in question was simply trying to spread the word of (Sports Bottle's) god and is not at fault at all. Glad the guy isn't dead.

My alternate theory is that the non-Packer fan dude was a He Who Shall Not Be Named Fan who called himself a Packer fan, and the real Packer fan was the dude with the knife.

Toothless, White-Trash, Rednecks

So the saga continues. Karma continues to rear its ugly bitch face. I would think I've built up some good karma with the various shit that has happened over the course of 2009 (and obviously I know that whatever has happened, it could have been worse). But I must be a fucking terrible human being. I guess thinking and speaking various bad thoughts is just as bad as actually acting on them.

But onto last night....The wife and I go to the grocery store to get much needed sustenance. We are getting down to emergency meals (i.e. the ones you only eat when you have no other choice). We spend like 45 minutes getting all sorts of shit, and actually it was a fairly large trip. We double checked before we went to the store that the bank would let us write checks due to the whole stolen wallet thing and security flags and such. We were assured that it wasn't a problem. So the wife writes out a check for $153.42, and the motherfucker gets denied. Few things are embarrassing as the whole chain of events:

1) We are writing a check. We NEVER write checks unless it is to some other person. We always use our credit cards and pay them off online. AND to make it more ironic, I am always the asshole standing behind the old person/neck in line behind the person writing the check wanting to kill them as they take ten minutes to write the stupid fucking check and THEN refusing to leave until they make the entry into their god(Sports Bottle's)damn check register.

2) It is 8 p.m. so there is one open land and about 12 people behind us with two items.

3) They reject the fucking check and treat us like criminals.

4) We make them call over the manager and she is a bitch about it.

5) We act like assholes.

6) We spend like 30 minutes on the phone with the bank while our ice cream melts.

Our bank informs us that they think the problem is with the third party company that grocery stores pay to approve checks for them. Of course, the bank give me the wrong one so I spend the next 15 minutes arguing with some (expletive deleted) woman about whether or not I can read the number off the bottom of my check, and whether I know my own social security number. Finally, we figured out that the grocery store uses a different company to do this job. We call that company and we get a recording telling us that they won't approve it because we are "high risk" and that we can't talk to a real person. Eventually we give up and tell the manager to have fun putting away our groceries.

Upon getting home, we finally fucked with their robot on the phone enough that it gave up and gave us a person. Person tells us that the check was not denied for the theft, or that we are dirtbags, but because WE HAD NEVER WRITTEN A CHECK TO A STORE BEFORE. Which, by the way, is likely true. But it is insane that they won't take a check from someone just because they haven't written it before. Someone I know that went to law school informed me that a CHECK IS A MOTHERFUCKING NEGOTIABLE INSTRUMENT. IT IS FUCKING LEGAL TENDER. IT IS A NOTE THAT ENTITLES YOU TO FUCKING MONEY. LEGALLY, IT SHOULDN'T BE A FUCKING OPTION ON WHETHER YOU WANT TO APPROVE IT OR NOT. We were told we had to write smaller checks to "establish a history". After fucking with the chick for awhile (i.e. Asking her if I could write 75 $2 checks to the same place) we eventually gave up. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go sign up for food stamps because those, unlike FUCKING CHECKS WHERE THE FUCKING BANK ASSURES YOU THERE IS FUCKING MONEY, are never used fraudulently.

OTHER OKTOBERFEST STUFF I REMEMBERED LATER:

- Our old roommate, lets call him Bill, showed up out of the blue. Comments associated with said meeting included: "Now I know where my 40 pounds went." and "I was afraid Bill was going to eat me." and "I love his tits."

- I had not been quiet when saying these things, which is strange because after 25 drinks, I'm usually like a church mouse. Anyways, the conspiracy theory is that he in fact, stole my wallet. Which would not surprise me in the least.

- My wife, my brother and Mark went "Snout Hunting" Which is the meanest thing ever.

- My wife accidentally sent a text to Richards ex-girlfriend that said "I luv u."

I'm sure some other things will come to mind.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I am already sick of He Who Shall Not Be Named v. Packers talk. If we don't win this game I might kill myself.

Dells Debut

So tomorrow is going to mark the fourth consecutive Saturday that I get black out drunk. For a man my age, with a real job, and a house, and a wife (thank (Sports Bottle's) god no fucking kids), it is an impressive feat. Very difficult to do, especially since it was probably around 2003 the last time it happened.

Yes friends, this weekend is Schmock's bachelor party. It is taking place in Wisconsin Dells. I have never been drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which makes it one of the few "major" destinations in Wisconsin that I have not been intoxicated in. In fact, it has probably been about 15 years since I've been there at all. And every trip involved just going to a waterpark and going home. It is, after all, the waterpark capital of the world. So I will get drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which is nice. I imagine the party to fall somewhere in between falling asleep cuddling Worm at 8 p.m., and paying prostitutes to do a group golden shower on Schmock. The possibilities are endless.

I really have no idea what to expect, because I have never been there before. Each city in Wisconsin has its own ebbs and flows to drinking. They are hard to describe, and generally if you are good at it, you end up blacked out regardless, but if you have spent significant time drinking in various Wisconsin hamlets, you understand what I mean.

I'm not really sure what my point is other than that I'm getting up at like 5:30 am tomorrow, to drive to a strange town to drink all day.

VEGAS UPDATE

The shit is on bitches. Sports Bottle, Richard, a bunch of strange homosexual men and I are headed to Vegas in late October. I intentionally spent an extra $45 on a plane ticket so I could a) drive an extra 3 hours, b) get zero sleep on Monday morning, c) start drinking at 9 a.m. on a Thursday, and d) join the mile high club with Sports Bottle. Now that the tickets were finally booked, and if you haven't done it in a while, is super motherfucking stressful and time consuming, I can get back to blogging instead of working as opposed to checking plane ticket prices and not working.

PS. Plenty of space available on the gayest Vegas trip ever. And yes, I'm talking to you Twinkie.

BREW CREW HANGOVER

Hey, they didn't lose last night. And the pitching staff didn't give up any home runs. Too bad the mighty Washington Nationals are up next. The funny thing is, as bad as the Crew has been, Braun and Fielder have been carrying my fantasy team. Oh, and I haven't watched a whole game in like 2 weeks, and it has been not stressful.

NEW BLOG

unkownqbdiary.blogspot.com had a pretty good first, and likely last post. I agree with much of it, except that He Who Shall Not Be Named is definitely to blame. And I wish bodily harm on him. Or at least bags of bodily fluids. His "fans" are fucking annoying as shit. (EDITORS NOTE: Did you realize you fucking spelled "UNKNOWN" wrong in the title of your blog? UnKOWN is going to make it difficult to find my man.)

WANTED

For kidnapping! Someone has stolen Manny Parra! Either that, or he switched uniforms with the entire bullpen while we weren't looking, and Mitch Stetter was actually the one that pitched 7 shutout innings, while Parra burned down Miller Park with 5 runs in 2 innings. Those are really the only two logical explanations for yesterdays game. Also fun from the game yesterday was the line on ESPN BottomLine this morning: Fielder 2-3, 2B, R....Rest of team 1-25. Yikes. Are we SURE that starting pitching is the problem here? Or is it just a maddening lack of consistency by everyone?

You certainly can't give a break to the lineup. Hardy, Hart and Kendall have been borderline fucking terrible all year. Only Fielder, Braun and McGehee (and maybe Weeks for a month) have arguably exceeded expectations. I would say Counsell and Cameron are what they are for the most part. Hall has been a waste of oxygen. Gamel gets an incomplete.

Of the starting pitching I would say Yo has met or slightly exceeded most expectations, Bush has probably slightly exceeded (other than a few bad starts), Looper and Suppan are what they are, Parra has sucked.

I would say that this is the same thing that most MLB teams face. You have a bunch of guys who weren't very good to start with, continuing to not be very good, you have a few stars, and a few guys that bomb out or get injured. I'm starting to feel like unless there is a fire sale somewhere, you stand pat if you are the Crew. Although, I wouldn't hesitate to get rid of Hall, Hardy, Hart or Kendall if you were getting something good in return that would improve your team right now.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #4

Or Other Headline: UMMM....IS HOFFMAN ABOUT READY?

It sucks watching the Brewers blow one. It sucks even worse when it is not on TV because for some reason, the 55 loss Bucks get priority over the Brewers, even though nobody watches the Bucks. I did hear some of it on the radio. I got a chance to hear new dude Cory Provus's homerun call "Back! Track! Wall! Gone!". He is going to take some getting used to. But he's trying. That is all I got. Enjoy church today Sports Bottle.

(Sports Bottle's) God loves Twinkies

To let you know how bad the injury situation is getting with the White Broncos, I am leaning STRONGLY towards STARTING Leon fucking Washington in the championship game. It appears nearly certain that my second best player Anquan Boldin is out with a face (actually I think it is herpes or something, but whatever), my third best player Marion Barber is a)probably not going to play and b) has a brutal matchup. So there it is, the New York Jets second fucking running back is going to be leaned upon heavily to make me money. If I don't lose by 30 I will be surprised.

In other beating dead horse news: I can't wait for the "magicJack St. Petersberg Bowl" at the venerable old college football venue, The Tropicana Dome. /shakes head in disgust.

Two really good college basketball games on this afternoon: #2 Gonzaga v. #13 UConn and #4 Xavier v. #11 Duke. (all ratings are from the Basketball State). FYI UW is ranked #29 and Creighton is #49.

Going to a "Christmas Party" tonight at my sister in-law's house. I put it in quotes because I'm going to see all of these fucking people in 5 days, so it is really an excuse to show off how much money they have. Regardless, it will suck because this is the sister in-law that judges my wife and I for "how much we drink". This is funny for at least four reasons: 1)She has never had more than 2 drinks in her life, 2) Therefore she thinks more than 2 drinks means you "have a problem", 3) I probably get drunk like 6 times a year (down from 256 in 2003), 4) Her husband used to enjoy drinking, but is now a beaten down shell of his former self, and tries to pile drinks on me so they have something to gossip about. It is supposed to snow another 4 to 8 inches tonight (fuck mother nature), so the wife and I have discussed the possibility of getting snowed in, and then purposely getting completely shitfaced just to prove a point. In reality we will be in bed by 10.

Snow, Vultures & Boldin

If you were to ask me what I wanted to do for 2 1/2 hours on a Friday night after working for 10 hours, I can pretty much guarantee you that shoveling snow would not be my answer. We got another gigantic ass fucking snowstorm in Northeast Wisconsin. I would also like to add that my snowblower is broken and has been "getting an estimate" for five days now. Alot of you are probably calling me a pussy right now. Well. Fuck You. We are now nearing an all time record for snow in the month of December. In fucking history. And it snows in Wisconsin alot. And shoveling it isn't fun. I swear to god (probably Sports Bottle's) if I sweat through another sweatshirt this winter, I will kill someone.

The championship of the OJSFA got started last night with the Jags/Colts game. I had MoJo Drew going. And he got TWO touchdowns that he rightfully earned vultured by that QB with Crone's Disease and some asshole I've never heard of. MoJo DID end up with 23.2 points, which is a pretty good game, but nowhere near as good at 35 plus would've been. I'm not going to be happy if I lose by less than 12. Fucking vultures.

I got a sick feeling in my stomach this morning when I heard that Anquan Boldin may not play Saturday. When the fuck did he get hurt? Goddamn the NFL West and your shitty fucking teams that allows a team like Arizona to be locked into the playoffs with two games left, and have the luxury of sitting one of your best players for having a hangnail. Fuck.