Morning Juice

It is that magical time again, where I try to make up a name for a series of random posts, and will use it for a week and then never use it again!

TODAY IN SMALL DASHES

-The Super Bowl was good, not great. Largest. Television. Audience. EVER? It is pretty fucking amazing that the record stood for 27 years (and M.A.S.H was not a good show). Why would this particular Super Bowl be first? Sort of confused. The commercials were subpar. I'm not really a huge fan of someone telling me that my mistress cannot have her fetus ripped from her womb, but that Tebow commercial was not a fucking big deal at all.

-Quick Movie Review: "The Happening" starring Mark Wahlberg and a bunch of random assholes. Premise was interesting (plants decide to kill humans by creating a neurotoxin that makes people kill themselves), but very poorly executed and kind of unrealistic (that oak tree is going to make me run myself over with a lawn mower?). The death scenes were pretty epic. Besides the lawn mower, there was the cop who shoots himself in the head, followed by people standing in line one after another picking up the gun and shooting themselves. I like most Wahlberg movies, but this one lacked a certain, I dunno, point. I guess there was no fucking point, and there was no explanation or rhyme or reason for the plants attacking. I give it a 2.5 out of 10 and would recommend it to nobody. It was truly terrible. Not the worst movie I've seen in the last six months. That would go to "The Express". The acting was so bad I had to shut it off. I'm not kidding.

-The Olympics are starting up this weekend. I'm sort of excited only because it will give me something to do while working 20 hours a day (exaggeration). I can keep track of luge results. The only shitty thing is that it is in the same basic time zone, so I'm not going to have Belarus v. Czech Republic hockey on at 8 a.m. to pretend to keep track of.

-Pitchers and catchers in like 10 days. Pumped to watch spring training scores update every 30 minutes at MLB.com while at work. I might decide an extended preview is in order.

-I placed a friendly wager on #9UW v. Illinois tonight. A six pack of beer on this one and the one in Campaign with this dude I work with that went to Illinois. I'm going to make him buy me two six packs of Stella Artois Nobilis. If I lose he's getting Natty Ice.

Quick Thoughts

-No reason the Packers should lose today on paper. It has been like 6 months since they've played at noon. However, this has the stench of a game that the Packers could lose. A random kickoff return here. A 70 yd pass interference penalty there. A blind side hit/fumble/return on Rodgers. I just have a bad feeling for some reason. If I had to bet (and SportsBottle does, likely as part of a 12 team parlay) I would say Packers 23, Bears 13, but I'm stressed out.

-The loss to George Mason yesterday put a nail in the at-large coffin for Creighton (3-5). They will have to get their shit together for Arch Madness.

-Thoughts on TV shows: This is one of the best overall seasons of South Park. I can't recall a bad episode. There haven't been any super-offensive episodes that I can think of, but even the random ones were really funny. I've still got two left that I haven't seen, but I've been impressed. Butter's Bottom Bitch was the best one I think. ESPN's "30 for 30" series has been fantastic. I've only watched like 4 of them so far, but all have been awesome except for the Ali one, which wasn' t that great. I'm kind of pumped for the Jimmy the Greek one and The U.

Today In Fake Sports News

The White Broncos roster:
Bernard Berrian
Pierre Thomas
Shaun Hill
Jesus Fucking Christ. Someone shit directly in my cereal.

Baseball league with old dudes: Holding a tenuous 5-4 lead thanks to unbelievable pitching, and unbelievably terrible hitting. Chould likely win 4 out of 5 pitching categories without throwing another inning. But I'm going to for the jugular (and $75).

NFL RedZone Channel: Got all excited that Dish Network picked it up. Until I found out that those pricks want to charge me $5.99 a month for it. Fuck. That. I already pay too fucking much for TV. As an aside, I watched so many episodes of Entourage the other night that I had fucking Entourage-mares. (Similar to the 24-mares and Soprano-mares, I've had in the past). So I probably watch enough TV to make it worth it.

Michael Jordan gets rejected: Totally got busted surfing the Internets by the president of the company yesterday afternoon. Perhaps I am the Michael Jordan, Washington Wizards edition, of pretending to work. The fucking guy just appeared over my shoulder. At least it was ESPN.com and not something illegal.

T.V. Bukkake

I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and pretend like I didin't skip watching the Badgers lose last night. I'm not proud of it, but there are certain occasions where you have to miss out on one of the 70-ish collegiate basketball games that my preferred teams play a year, in order to spend other quality time with your television. Last night was one of those nights. True, I had to suffer through American Idol. But there is always something pretty funny that happened, like last night when the really hot formerly signed singer chick told her "story" about how she moved out to L.A. by herself at age 16 to pursue a singing career, which was promptly followed by me making 30 straight minutes of adult entertainment jokes, and me saying "not in my eye" a whole bunch of times, which is great.

But after American Idol was the two hour season premier of the best show on television (at least in the top 3) "Lost". Fucking love that shit. I am convinced that when the entire series is done, I still won't know anything. This is Season 5, and I have no fucking clue what anything that has happened in the last 4 years had to do with anything. But enough crazy shit happens to keep you coming back every week. Charles Widmore is an evil ass dude. (not as evil as Lance Armstrong). Tune in next week as a fucking dinosaur eats Hurley, and Ben reveals he is actually a llama.

I would also be remiss if I forgot to talk about "24". You know a show is going pretty well when an hour seems far too short to get a fix. I have no idea how that FBI chick is going to manage to escape being shot, thrown in a ditch, covered in plastic and buried alive. If it was Jack Bauer, I wouldn't bat an eyelash, but if this chica gets out, they may be laying the groundwork for a spinoff where she is the new Bauer. She has already done some highly illegal/reckless shit to either get information, or track down a lead. And in an age without CTU, the FBI considers what she has done "torture". Not that I think a show with her as the main character would be any good.