Bear's Miller Lite Keys to the Game

As I sit here, reveling in my extra hour of sleep from the night before, I am contemplating taking a shower before I head down to the bar to watch the festivities of the day. My anger flares as I watch some assclown fullback from the Eagles run for a 40 yard touchdown instead of LeSean McCoy, who I chose to start in my flex spot in Juice's league. One thing has been really irking me though. The passing, quick overview analysis of sports writers.

This guy says the Packers D looked terrible in the first game(I won't argue that) and he doesn't see that changing just because of home field advantage. Orrrr how about the fact that we have Atari Bigby back now? Having Bigby in there allows him and Collins to play safety as a unit so I don't have to watch Berrian streak down the sideline, have Al Harris turn around and see his safety playing zone over the middle of the field instead of giving help over the top. Along with that we've also gotten Clay Matthews in on more snaps and we've pretty much given up on Kampman being a linebacker/potential coverage guy in this scheme.

Then I have ESPN's Kevin Seifert talking about our offensive line as though Clifton and Tauscher are our best options at tackle right now. Really? Maybe 3 years ago... How about the offensive line that just got done giving up ZERO sacks to the Cleveland Browns? I know I know, it's the Browns and they're terrible, but stick with me for a minute, we just gave up 5 sacks to the Lions the week before that. The Cleveland Browns defensive line isn't nearly as terrible as the rest of the team, I like TJ Lang and I like Allen Barbre and the way this offensive line is currently set up.

There were many other writers I could have used for these examples, they've all been spewing the same gibberish, they get paid to analyze football but all the regurgitate is whatever the people expect to hear. No research, no watching games, ESPN sucks.

Ok! My keys to the game! I've got a couple pretty strong ones and then one random rant/crazy key.

First of all, we absolutely cannot allow the Vikings wide receivers to do what they did in the first game. It was completely unacceptable for their wide outs to just turn on go routes and score touchdowns. Or for them to do medium depth slant routes and have Kampman running around in circles deciding whether or not he should cover or blitz(the answer there is blitz). It was abysmal and embarrassing.

Secondly, I think we really need to run at Jared Allen. He's obsessed with rushing the passer, we all saw what he did the first game. He's barely even considering that a running play would come to him, if we could run some delay hand offs or counter moves to his side of the line, I think we could really catch him way too far upfield. Run some screens to his side, anything to get him thinking about something other than just running as fast as he can towards Rodgers. If we keep him guessing for a split second and give Lang a chance to get a half step on Allen I think it would greatly improve Lang's chances of success in keeping him away from our QB.

And my last rant/crazy thought process. I say we focus on the Vikings running game the same way we focus on any other team. Treat Adrian Peterson like he's nothing special. Why? Even when you shut him down for 53 yards on 25 carries, it's still Adrian Peterson and he's still a threat to bust out a 50 yard run on any carry. Knowing this the Vikings will still hand the ball off to him whenever they want because he's that big of a threat. So focusing in on Adrian Peterson will never actually shut down the Vikings running game, because to shut it down would mean that at some point in the game they will stop going to ADP, that will never happen. We need to shut down Brett Favre because himself and the Vikings are completely infatuated with making Brett Favre's stats better. We've got to stop that.

Huge game, huge week, huge turning point for the season

This day on Twitter!

So a week or so ago, Black Monday, we lost to the Queens on MNF. A day or two after that Bernard Berrian, otherwise known on Twitter as B_Twice commented, what a great weekend for Minnesota sports! Cuz of the Twins and all that shit. Anyways! When I saw that I tweeted at him saying "At least we kept the axe you son of a bitch" and to my surprise he actually responded by saying something to the effect of "I ain't no son of a bitch, I'm the son of a lovely woman". Well because of that I decided to follow him on Twitter, figuring if you can get a fish to nibble once I might be able to land it later on. My biggest plan for Twitter is to get into an epic argument with someone that has some sort of celebrity status and gain some notoriety and exposure for our blog that has 3 regular readers, all of whom are probably also authors for said blog.

Anywho, today he tweets the following, "Just saw a hockey highlight and saw the teams name is the devils. Wow!! How many of u could play for a team with the name the Devils?".

Let that sink in for a minute. This guy is bitching about the word Devils? Really? Sure it's easy for you to put out fake morals and ethics about a word when you are already, for the most part undeservedly, receiving millions of dollars, but then you have the audacity to ask others if they could ever play for that team? Throwing out a hypothetical question to elicit a conditioned response from the masses of people who follow you, just so that they will agree with you and you can all nod your head at the same time for the same reason. The Jersey Devil is a mythical creature, which is what the New Jersey Devils were named after, they are not doing it to promote Satanic rituals or some other crazy shit.

And here's a fact for you Bernard, the answer to your question is, everyone! Everyone who is making less money than whatever they would make if they were good enough to play for the New Jersey Devils, because ethical and moral clarity is a fun trait to have when dealing with hypothetical questions, but when the hypothetical becomes reality you can bet your ass 99.99999% of the people who said no would flip their answer in a heartbeat. Especially with something as trivial as a stupid name derived from a mythical creature which has nothing to do with your "Sun revolves around the Earth" religion.

I'm not sure why that pissed me off so much or why I even bothered to write this out, probably because he's a member of the Queens. Man I really hate the Queens...

OJSFA Week 4 Preview

First, somehow, even though the Packers haven't played a 3-4 defense since the 1980's, He Who Shall Not Be Named has an intimate knowledge of the Packers defense. Really? He may be vaguely familiar with a few of the players, but when Bernard Berrian is talking about the DBs playing "press coverage" it is clear that Chilly hasn't even looked at a game tape from this year. Its not like He Who Shall Not Be Named hasn't seen every defense ever created in his 43 years in the league, so I don't think there is a real advantage to be had here, but if anyone has an advantage it is the Packer defenders who played against him in practice every day, and against Him in the same offense, and not the other way around.

This just in: HOLY SHIT. They arrested the dude who taped Erin Andrews! No. Fucking. Way.

Onto the previews.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Heywood Jablome (2-1) v. Faribault Frauleins (2-1)

I believe Heywood has been in the game of the week every week. Which either means whomever picks the weekly matchup for TLC thinks they are good, or they have a tough schedule.

Line: Frauleins by 5
History: Heywood leads 1-0

OTHER GAMES:

The White Broncos (2-1) v. Marino for Prez (1-2)

I'm playing a team not run by Schmock. That is disappointing because I was looking forward to continuing my dominance. However, Duper's team sucks, so I'll be fine.

Line: Broncos by 3
History: Broncos lead 1-0

R.I.P. Billie Jean (3-0) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (1-2)

Billie Jean continues to defy the odds by not losing. The Ass Clowns are in the midst of what is sure to be a 10 game losing streak.

Line: Billie Jean by 20 1/2 (!!!)
History: Billie Jean leads 2-0

Schmock's Team (1-2) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (1-2)

Schmock is not playing me, so he has a chance to win. Bear is a terrible human being/animal.

Line: Schmock by 5
History: Schmock leads 5-2

SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK:

Clown Baby (1-2) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-2)

The Grapefruit continue to be the worst team in the league. So they really, really suck. The backfield of Cadillac Williams and Darren McFadden does not make me think of Jim Taylor and Paul Hourning. I'm just sayin'.

Line: Clown Baby by 12 1/2
History: Grapefruit leads 4-2