I have mixed feelings about the Tiger Woods "press conference." I tend to agree with Bill Simmons' opinion and I've made no secret about how I feel about public apologies, but for those who don't know, public apologies are complete bullshit. Tiger Woods is NOT sorry. How do I know this? Because he'd probably be boning Juice's wife, or my girlfriend, or Richard by now. Someone who's sorry doesn't call one of his SEVERAL mistresses on Thanksgiving and tell her to erase his name from her cell phone and also inform her Elin is checking his phone. This is not a situation where he's sorry for chucking his dick all over the place. He's sorry he got caught. Plain and simple. Move on, Elin.
I watched a Dateline type show the other night about Tiger's secret life. It had an in-depth interview with one of his skanks, and she really did look like a skank, but I'm not here to judge. She's probably a wonderful person. After seeing this program I got a slightly different view of the situation. Tiger wasn't roaming the countryside fucking everyone he saw. He was actually involved in actual relationships with a lot of these women. They were falling in love with him. These weren't one night stands. And from what I understand he wasn't spending a whole lot of money on these women which leads me to one conclusion. Tiger must have a monster crank.
I don't get to see much of the Olympics but I have seen a large amount of curling, and, curling is awesome. I even bet $5 on the USA and they lost because a dude choked on the last throw, which eventually happened in 4 straight matches making the USA 0-4. Hockey is still great too.
AN INVITE (of sorts)
Richard and I are planning on possibly spending a romantic weekend in La Crosse together on the weekend of March 5th. Would anyone be interested in joining us, Juice and Schmock? Bring wives, I don't care. My significant other is not going at this point due to work issues, but if Mrs Juice and Mrs Schmock would go she might try to get off work. Basically, I've missed the last two Saturday all day drinking days in La Crosse (Oktoberfest and snow volleyball). I would like to make up for it.
Showing posts with label La Crosse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label La Crosse. Show all posts
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The La Crosse Theory
Thanks to Richard for the heads up on this. I really, really, don't have time to do this right now, but I am passionate enough about the cause that I'm going to help Richard out and regurgitate my theory, which I've probably already done somewhere.
A dude named Craig Meyers was found in the Mississippi River in La Crosse earlier this week. Craig was a 21 year old college student, appeared to be in decent enough shape, and had been out drinking in La Crosse. This makes the NINTH male in his early to mid-20's that allegedly got drunk and drown in the Mississippi River in La Crosse since 1997.
A little history may be in order here. I am a 2003 graduate of UW-La Crosse, as is Sports Bottle. Richard (frequent commenter, avid swimmer) is a 2004 graduate. From 1999 to 2003 (and often enough in 2004) we probably got drunk a minimum of three times a week, and often 4 or 5 times. I am going to say that the majority of those times we ended up in the main bar district area of La Crosse. I should also explain that when I say we got drunk, I don't mean that we got a little tipsy and crawled in a car with a DD or called a cab. I mean, we got annihilated and stumbled the half mile or so home in the middle of the night. People not from Wisconsin cannot comprehend how drunk we are capable of getting. Trust me, I lived in Nebraska for three years, those people have no clue what it means to be Wisconsin drunk. I'm not bragging, I'm just stating fact so that you can understand my theory here. Between Wednesday and Saturday nights in La Crosse (not unlike most college towns in Wisconsin) there are many, many drunk people milling around. Both men and women. In fact, my wife falls in nearly the same category as I do as far as getting super drunk in La Crosse and stumbling around town. So trust me when I tell you that there are not only guys blacked out and walking around. Some might say it is an epidemic, I call it fun, but that isn't the point.
If you aren't familiar with the layout of La Crosse, the campus of UW-La Crosse, and all of the living area where a college age student would be, starts about 24th street or so (24 blocks from the river). The bars/hotels are mostly on 3rd street (3 blocks from the river) and there are a few hotels on 2nd street (but there aren't really any bars closer than 3 blocks from the river). In order to get to the actual water of the river itself, you would have to walk through a park and down a fairly long/jagged pile of large rocks, or jump off of a bridge. There aren't any flat spots anywhere near the river for someone to decide to go swimming, and there aren't any spots that I know of other than a bridge, where you could jump straight down into the river.
So now that you have that general frame of reference, here is the theory. The only explanation that makes any sense is a female serial killer. Follow me here. I estimate that I've been super duper drunk approximately 450 times in La Crosse (12 times a month, 10 months, 4 years) which may even be conservative. I have never even ONCE wandered the wrong direction towards the river. And if you did, you would immediately notice that there are a) no lights in that direction and b) a large body of water in front of you. But even if you think: "Hey asshole, what if these guys can't hand their booze as well as you and are so blacked out that they aren't sure where they are, or are unfamiliar?" First, I would submit that it is pretty rare for someone in their 20's to get that drunk all by themselves. Usually at least ONE person would be with them. And my understanding is that all of the victims here were familiar with the area. I also find it a little too convenient that the victims were all 1) male; 2) early to mid 20's; 3) in fairly decent shape. I think the thing that makes the least sense is that all of the victims are male. There is no lack of females drunk and at the bars in La Crosse. There is no way that if this was all about drinking that there wouldn't be at least ONE female victim. So my theory is that there is a female serial killer (whether part of a larger group or not, I dunno) that is meeting these guys at the bar and luring them away from the group and somehow drugging them with something untraceable, and pushing them into the river. The victims never have injuries, never have any drugs in their systems, never are anything but drunk. Maybe one of these people actually wandered into the river. Maybe one killed themselves by jumping off of a bridge. But NINE???? No fucking way. Finally, consider the layouts of other campuses/bar areas in the state for a moment:
Green Bay: bar district one block from the Fox River, on BOTH sides of the river
Eau Claire: giant fucking river/narrow walking bridge that is heavily traveled over said river
Milwaukee: Water Street anyone? Many, many other bars on bodies of water.
Appleton: Bars about three blocks from the River, college campus right on it.
Oshkosh: drunk people and water all over town
Madison: two fucking lakes basically right on campus
River Falls: I presume there is a river somewhere
Menominee: River
Number of drunk/drowning deaths that I'm aware of: ZERO. I'm not 100% positive on most of the places, but I'm positive on Green Bay and Appleton. This just doesn't happen anywhere else. People that blame drinking problems in La Crosse for these deaths can't explain this factor to me.
I'm really, truly not trying to make light of this. I'm dead serious. I feel terrible for the families of these guys, and I'm just trying to make sense of this while the media and police treat the victims like irresponsible, drunken assholes.
There are just too many coincidences here for me. Now, I should probably get going before I get fired.
Thoughts from other UW attendees? Wisconsin bar patrons?
A dude named Craig Meyers was found in the Mississippi River in La Crosse earlier this week. Craig was a 21 year old college student, appeared to be in decent enough shape, and had been out drinking in La Crosse. This makes the NINTH male in his early to mid-20's that allegedly got drunk and drown in the Mississippi River in La Crosse since 1997.
A little history may be in order here. I am a 2003 graduate of UW-La Crosse, as is Sports Bottle. Richard (frequent commenter, avid swimmer) is a 2004 graduate. From 1999 to 2003 (and often enough in 2004) we probably got drunk a minimum of three times a week, and often 4 or 5 times. I am going to say that the majority of those times we ended up in the main bar district area of La Crosse. I should also explain that when I say we got drunk, I don't mean that we got a little tipsy and crawled in a car with a DD or called a cab. I mean, we got annihilated and stumbled the half mile or so home in the middle of the night. People not from Wisconsin cannot comprehend how drunk we are capable of getting. Trust me, I lived in Nebraska for three years, those people have no clue what it means to be Wisconsin drunk. I'm not bragging, I'm just stating fact so that you can understand my theory here. Between Wednesday and Saturday nights in La Crosse (not unlike most college towns in Wisconsin) there are many, many drunk people milling around. Both men and women. In fact, my wife falls in nearly the same category as I do as far as getting super drunk in La Crosse and stumbling around town. So trust me when I tell you that there are not only guys blacked out and walking around. Some might say it is an epidemic, I call it fun, but that isn't the point.
If you aren't familiar with the layout of La Crosse, the campus of UW-La Crosse, and all of the living area where a college age student would be, starts about 24th street or so (24 blocks from the river). The bars/hotels are mostly on 3rd street (3 blocks from the river) and there are a few hotels on 2nd street (but there aren't really any bars closer than 3 blocks from the river). In order to get to the actual water of the river itself, you would have to walk through a park and down a fairly long/jagged pile of large rocks, or jump off of a bridge. There aren't any flat spots anywhere near the river for someone to decide to go swimming, and there aren't any spots that I know of other than a bridge, where you could jump straight down into the river.
So now that you have that general frame of reference, here is the theory. The only explanation that makes any sense is a female serial killer. Follow me here. I estimate that I've been super duper drunk approximately 450 times in La Crosse (12 times a month, 10 months, 4 years) which may even be conservative. I have never even ONCE wandered the wrong direction towards the river. And if you did, you would immediately notice that there are a) no lights in that direction and b) a large body of water in front of you. But even if you think: "Hey asshole, what if these guys can't hand their booze as well as you and are so blacked out that they aren't sure where they are, or are unfamiliar?" First, I would submit that it is pretty rare for someone in their 20's to get that drunk all by themselves. Usually at least ONE person would be with them. And my understanding is that all of the victims here were familiar with the area. I also find it a little too convenient that the victims were all 1) male; 2) early to mid 20's; 3) in fairly decent shape. I think the thing that makes the least sense is that all of the victims are male. There is no lack of females drunk and at the bars in La Crosse. There is no way that if this was all about drinking that there wouldn't be at least ONE female victim. So my theory is that there is a female serial killer (whether part of a larger group or not, I dunno) that is meeting these guys at the bar and luring them away from the group and somehow drugging them with something untraceable, and pushing them into the river. The victims never have injuries, never have any drugs in their systems, never are anything but drunk. Maybe one of these people actually wandered into the river. Maybe one killed themselves by jumping off of a bridge. But NINE???? No fucking way. Finally, consider the layouts of other campuses/bar areas in the state for a moment:
Green Bay: bar district one block from the Fox River, on BOTH sides of the river
Eau Claire: giant fucking river/narrow walking bridge that is heavily traveled over said river
Milwaukee: Water Street anyone? Many, many other bars on bodies of water.
Appleton: Bars about three blocks from the River, college campus right on it.
Oshkosh: drunk people and water all over town
Madison: two fucking lakes basically right on campus
River Falls: I presume there is a river somewhere
Menominee: River
Number of drunk/drowning deaths that I'm aware of: ZERO. I'm not 100% positive on most of the places, but I'm positive on Green Bay and Appleton. This just doesn't happen anywhere else. People that blame drinking problems in La Crosse for these deaths can't explain this factor to me.
I'm really, truly not trying to make light of this. I'm dead serious. I feel terrible for the families of these guys, and I'm just trying to make sense of this while the media and police treat the victims like irresponsible, drunken assholes.
There are just too many coincidences here for me. Now, I should probably get going before I get fired.
Thoughts from other UW attendees? Wisconsin bar patrons?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Mel Gibson, Pro Bowl, Grammys, Madden '10
The weekend that didn't involve getting blacked out in La Crosse (please provide me with details), but that did involve copious amounts of time sitting around by myself when I could have been drinking, separated by paragraphs.
MOVIE REVIEW
Saw "The Edge of Darkness" starring 90-year old, alcoholic, anti-Semite, Mel Gibson. It was pretty awesome. In 2010, I've decided to go with a 10 point system to rank the 4 movies I'm going to see. I would give it a 7.5 out of 10, which is solid but not spectacular.
MADDEN '10
I had a lot of spare time on my hands so I decided to see if I could simulate to the end of Franchise mode on Madden. I didn't get anywhere close (I'm not actually sure where it ends). I'm not sure what the point of this is other than I needed an excuse to say that after I shitcanned Mike McCarthy after 15 seasons, 11 playoff appearances, and one Super Bowl title, the next three coaches were: Walter Jones (6 seasons, 1 playoff), Asante Samuel (3 seasons, 0 playoffs) and Brandon Jacobs (in first season). I always think it is funny to see which former players get put in the coaching ranks.
PRO BOWL/GRAMMYS
Not sure which was more lacking. The lack of interest of the Pro Bowlers in "blocking" and "tackling" or the lack of giving a shit about not swearing by Drake, Eminem and Lil' Wayne during their performance.
I like swearing and flipping a middle finger to CBS/FCC as much as the next guy, but when you do a 4 minute performance and 2 minutes 30 seconds is sporadic silence due to editing, it gets a little annoying.
I personally have no problem with the Pro Bowlers not giving a shit. I want to personally thank Mario Williams for not killing A-Rodg when he went unblocked into the backfield. I want to say fuck you to Vincent Jackson for blindsiding Clay Matthews and nearly killing him on a block.
Also, nobody told me I was going to need 3D glasses for the Michael Jackson tribute at the Grammys. So I got blurry Carrie Underwood instead of 3D Carrie Underwood. Not cool.
Please return to not having your time wasted.
MOVIE REVIEW
Saw "The Edge of Darkness" starring 90-year old, alcoholic, anti-Semite, Mel Gibson. It was pretty awesome. In 2010, I've decided to go with a 10 point system to rank the 4 movies I'm going to see. I would give it a 7.5 out of 10, which is solid but not spectacular.
MADDEN '10
I had a lot of spare time on my hands so I decided to see if I could simulate to the end of Franchise mode on Madden. I didn't get anywhere close (I'm not actually sure where it ends). I'm not sure what the point of this is other than I needed an excuse to say that after I shitcanned Mike McCarthy after 15 seasons, 11 playoff appearances, and one Super Bowl title, the next three coaches were: Walter Jones (6 seasons, 1 playoff), Asante Samuel (3 seasons, 0 playoffs) and Brandon Jacobs (in first season). I always think it is funny to see which former players get put in the coaching ranks.
PRO BOWL/GRAMMYS
Not sure which was more lacking. The lack of interest of the Pro Bowlers in "blocking" and "tackling" or the lack of giving a shit about not swearing by Drake, Eminem and Lil' Wayne during their performance.
I like swearing and flipping a middle finger to CBS/FCC as much as the next guy, but when you do a 4 minute performance and 2 minutes 30 seconds is sporadic silence due to editing, it gets a little annoying.
I personally have no problem with the Pro Bowlers not giving a shit. I want to personally thank Mario Williams for not killing A-Rodg when he went unblocked into the backfield. I want to say fuck you to Vincent Jackson for blindsiding Clay Matthews and nearly killing him on a block.
Also, nobody told me I was going to need 3D glasses for the Michael Jackson tribute at the Grammys. So I got blurry Carrie Underwood instead of 3D Carrie Underwood. Not cool.
Please return to not having your time wasted.
Friday, January 15, 2010
"Docta Said I Need A Backeotomy"
---Sir Smokealot.
We are entering the time of year where there isn't going to be all that much for me to write about. Sure, I suppose I could write about the NFL playoffs, but unless something super funny happens, I don't really need to put you through a 1,203,451st post about what a piece of shit He Who Shall Not Be Named is. Although I suppose, you could witness my last few days (and probably the end of humanity as Satan swallows up the Earth when his prophecy is fulfilled) if He and His Viqueens win the Super Bowl. Let's just hope and assume that isn't going to happen. ANYWAYS, other than college basketball junk, which I love, but which doesn't typically give me that much to write about, there isn't much out there. Combine that with the fact that Uncle Sam and his archaic tax system forces everyone in America to file a tax return by April 15th (and that this system provides me with an excuse to stay employed, which provides me with free internet access for the other 9 months out of the year to post incessant ramblings on this site), and I will be actually "working" and not "pretending to work" (except during March Madness when I will be watching MMOD on my computer) there will be alot less of me in the coming months. Historically (last year) you can see that the number of posts in February and March is reduced dramatically. Here is the point. We allegedly have 3 other people and one other zoo animal that are able to post things on this here site. I don't mind carrying this team for 9 months out of the year ala Aaron Rodgers, but once in awhile I need someone else to make a play. I'm merely requesting that you each take like 10 minutes a week to put something of (time wasting and irrelevant) substance here. I will attempt to throw something up once a week or so, or more if something tickles my fancy (like NBA gun play, or Tiger chasing Wilt). Thank You.
THE WEEKEND
I have a "quintuple date" on Saturday consisting of my wife and I, and my four bosses and their spouses. It is going to be awful. I'm either going to miss a good portion of Colts/Ravens, or I am going be up until 4 am watching shit on the DVR (there is also UW/Ohio St. at 7, and CU/Wichita St at 4 on ESPN2 (why bother)). Not sure what to do yet. Maybe I will just get blacked out on margaritas.
SNOW VOLLEYBALL
Richard finally broke me down. Even though I went at least once in college and it was not memorable at all. I'm headed to La Crosse in a few weeks to get blacked out at the Alpine Inn while watching drunken assholes freeze thier asses of on a snow covered volleyball court, then attempt to navigate down the bluff without dying. Good thing the ice is frozen, or I would drown Richard in the Mississippi. The Unknown QB is also going. And also maybe everyone's favorite friend of my wife. Richard is totally going to bang her (or my brother will?) AGAIN.
NFL PICKS
This is the second best weekend in sports. First is the four day open to the NCAA Basketball Tournament. Hopefully nobody is taking these pretend bets and placing them for real.
Last Week: 1-3
Season: 114-117-4
All-Time: 248-243-6
NO (-7), Ind (-6.5), Min (-2.5), SD (-7.5)
We are entering the time of year where there isn't going to be all that much for me to write about. Sure, I suppose I could write about the NFL playoffs, but unless something super funny happens, I don't really need to put you through a 1,203,451st post about what a piece of shit He Who Shall Not Be Named is. Although I suppose, you could witness my last few days (and probably the end of humanity as Satan swallows up the Earth when his prophecy is fulfilled) if He and His Viqueens win the Super Bowl. Let's just hope and assume that isn't going to happen. ANYWAYS, other than college basketball junk, which I love, but which doesn't typically give me that much to write about, there isn't much out there. Combine that with the fact that Uncle Sam and his archaic tax system forces everyone in America to file a tax return by April 15th (and that this system provides me with an excuse to stay employed, which provides me with free internet access for the other 9 months out of the year to post incessant ramblings on this site), and I will be actually "working" and not "pretending to work" (except during March Madness when I will be watching MMOD on my computer) there will be alot less of me in the coming months. Historically (last year) you can see that the number of posts in February and March is reduced dramatically. Here is the point. We allegedly have 3 other people and one other zoo animal that are able to post things on this here site. I don't mind carrying this team for 9 months out of the year ala Aaron Rodgers, but once in awhile I need someone else to make a play. I'm merely requesting that you each take like 10 minutes a week to put something of (time wasting and irrelevant) substance here. I will attempt to throw something up once a week or so, or more if something tickles my fancy (like NBA gun play, or Tiger chasing Wilt). Thank You.
THE WEEKEND
I have a "quintuple date" on Saturday consisting of my wife and I, and my four bosses and their spouses. It is going to be awful. I'm either going to miss a good portion of Colts/Ravens, or I am going be up until 4 am watching shit on the DVR (there is also UW/Ohio St. at 7, and CU/Wichita St at 4 on ESPN2 (why bother)). Not sure what to do yet. Maybe I will just get blacked out on margaritas.
SNOW VOLLEYBALL
Richard finally broke me down. Even though I went at least once in college and it was not memorable at all. I'm headed to La Crosse in a few weeks to get blacked out at the Alpine Inn while watching drunken assholes freeze thier asses of on a snow covered volleyball court, then attempt to navigate down the bluff without dying. Good thing the ice is frozen, or I would drown Richard in the Mississippi. The Unknown QB is also going. And also maybe everyone's favorite friend of my wife. Richard is totally going to bang her (or my brother will?) AGAIN.
NFL PICKS
This is the second best weekend in sports. First is the four day open to the NCAA Basketball Tournament. Hopefully nobody is taking these pretend bets and placing them for real.
Last Week: 1-3
Season: 114-117-4
All-Time: 248-243-6
NO (-7), Ind (-6.5), Min (-2.5), SD (-7.5)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Oktoberfest Manifesto
This will probably be my last post of the week, unless something changes. I actually have alot of shit to do before our grand return to La Crosse on Friday.
Oktoberfest is the best time that a human being can have. Ever. Trips to Vegas are awesome, and I'm certainly looking forward to that too. But it is a different kind of awesome than Oktoberfest. It is a bit more complicated, you don't really know your way around, there is a system to Vegas drinking that needs to be re-figured out each time you go, time gets all weird because of the time zone, and because you are in the windowless casinos most of the day. You have to fly there, etc. Great time, but different.
Oktoberfest is unique. You get a combination of likeminded people, gathering in a college town to drink 48 oz warm beers, get annihilated, and do stupid things. You will see 18 year olds in the bars wasted at all hours. You will see 80 year olds at the bars wasted at all hours. You will see a 21 year old puking in the middle of 3rd street at bar time. You will see two 47 year old women getting into a fist fight at bar time. You will see the most disgusting bathrooms you have ever seen in your entire life. You will see cops on horses. You may go 48 hours without eating. You may eat 6 Jimmy John's subs in 12 hours. The drinks are relatively cheap considering how much they could charge (people would drink it no matter what). Yet everyone always leaves with no money. People fight for the chance to pay $200 a night for a hotel room. Every year is the same. Every year is different. Every year is fantastic.
Oktoberfest has two or three fantastic moments for me every year, and two or three awful moments.
Fantastic Moment #1: The Arrival. It is great to get there, having that anticipation in your stomach, and tasting that first beer. Then waiting for everyone else to arrive, and being super happy to see everyone, even though in six hours you will be sick of half of them. This year will be slightly different because I've seen most of my college buddies about a thousand times this summer due to various bachelor parties and such. But it will still be awesome.
Fantastic Moment #2: Friday night. Usually consists of everybody getting blacked out drunk like they haven't been blacked out drunk since the Oktoberfest before. Especially since we are all getting older. Combination of beer, shots and drinks at John's. Everyone stays out on Friday until physically removed from the bars, and gets drunk enough to still be pretty drunk in the morning.
Fantastic Moment #3: About 8 (or 9? or 10?) a.m. on Saturday/Badger game. Being the first to arrive at Brother's every year. Never knowing what time the place opens (I swear those fucks change it every year). Staking our spot for the Badger game. A few times we actually ended up waiting outside for Brother's to open because we were so early. Even though the hotel room is like a block away, you need to avoid the temptation to go back to bed. Drinking a screwdriver as soon as possible is of the utmost importance. The Badger game on Saturday is one of the funnest things ever too. The bar gets PACKED (especially for a 2:30 game, although they are playing at 11 this year). The bar plays Badger music after scores (WHEN YOU SAY WISCONSIN, YOU SAID IT ALL!). Everyone dances and sings along. Everyone gets super fucking wasted. Then you walk outside, and it is still daylight.
Shitty Moment #1: Waking up Saturday. There is a 50/50 chance of me puking from Friday, which sucks. I have never been so sick that I've been prevented from immediately drinking on Saturday. But others have.
Shitty Moment #2: The Saturday lull. At some point on Saturday night, you drink yourself sober. It has happened to me every year. Your body gets used to being a .36 BAC, and you just cannot possibly get any more drunk, no matter what you do. This is AFTER the mandatory switch back to hard alcohol from beer because you have to step up your game. You would have to drink like a whole bottle of booze at once to get any more drunk, and even that might not do it. This leads to feeling tired and bored. We have had a few times where we were able to stretch it out until bar time, but typically by midnight I am done.
Shitty Moment #3: The drive home. Speaks for itself.
Going to be super motherfucking awesome. I have some important shit to do at work tomorrow, and I just don't know how I'm going to do it well. My mind is already in La Crosse. Feel free to pass this on to anyone else that is going. I would like to hear your comments.
Oktoberfest is the best time that a human being can have. Ever. Trips to Vegas are awesome, and I'm certainly looking forward to that too. But it is a different kind of awesome than Oktoberfest. It is a bit more complicated, you don't really know your way around, there is a system to Vegas drinking that needs to be re-figured out each time you go, time gets all weird because of the time zone, and because you are in the windowless casinos most of the day. You have to fly there, etc. Great time, but different.
Oktoberfest is unique. You get a combination of likeminded people, gathering in a college town to drink 48 oz warm beers, get annihilated, and do stupid things. You will see 18 year olds in the bars wasted at all hours. You will see 80 year olds at the bars wasted at all hours. You will see a 21 year old puking in the middle of 3rd street at bar time. You will see two 47 year old women getting into a fist fight at bar time. You will see the most disgusting bathrooms you have ever seen in your entire life. You will see cops on horses. You may go 48 hours without eating. You may eat 6 Jimmy John's subs in 12 hours. The drinks are relatively cheap considering how much they could charge (people would drink it no matter what). Yet everyone always leaves with no money. People fight for the chance to pay $200 a night for a hotel room. Every year is the same. Every year is different. Every year is fantastic.
Oktoberfest has two or three fantastic moments for me every year, and two or three awful moments.
Fantastic Moment #1: The Arrival. It is great to get there, having that anticipation in your stomach, and tasting that first beer. Then waiting for everyone else to arrive, and being super happy to see everyone, even though in six hours you will be sick of half of them. This year will be slightly different because I've seen most of my college buddies about a thousand times this summer due to various bachelor parties and such. But it will still be awesome.
Fantastic Moment #2: Friday night. Usually consists of everybody getting blacked out drunk like they haven't been blacked out drunk since the Oktoberfest before. Especially since we are all getting older. Combination of beer, shots and drinks at John's. Everyone stays out on Friday until physically removed from the bars, and gets drunk enough to still be pretty drunk in the morning.
Fantastic Moment #3: About 8 (or 9? or 10?) a.m. on Saturday/Badger game. Being the first to arrive at Brother's every year. Never knowing what time the place opens (I swear those fucks change it every year). Staking our spot for the Badger game. A few times we actually ended up waiting outside for Brother's to open because we were so early. Even though the hotel room is like a block away, you need to avoid the temptation to go back to bed. Drinking a screwdriver as soon as possible is of the utmost importance. The Badger game on Saturday is one of the funnest things ever too. The bar gets PACKED (especially for a 2:30 game, although they are playing at 11 this year). The bar plays Badger music after scores (WHEN YOU SAY WISCONSIN, YOU SAID IT ALL!). Everyone dances and sings along. Everyone gets super fucking wasted. Then you walk outside, and it is still daylight.
Shitty Moment #1: Waking up Saturday. There is a 50/50 chance of me puking from Friday, which sucks. I have never been so sick that I've been prevented from immediately drinking on Saturday. But others have.
Shitty Moment #2: The Saturday lull. At some point on Saturday night, you drink yourself sober. It has happened to me every year. Your body gets used to being a .36 BAC, and you just cannot possibly get any more drunk, no matter what you do. This is AFTER the mandatory switch back to hard alcohol from beer because you have to step up your game. You would have to drink like a whole bottle of booze at once to get any more drunk, and even that might not do it. This leads to feeling tired and bored. We have had a few times where we were able to stretch it out until bar time, but typically by midnight I am done.
Shitty Moment #3: The drive home. Speaks for itself.
Going to be super motherfucking awesome. I have some important shit to do at work tomorrow, and I just don't know how I'm going to do it well. My mind is already in La Crosse. Feel free to pass this on to anyone else that is going. I would like to hear your comments.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Memories
11. Bob Nelson
Game: "Tecmo Super Bowl"
In real life: Defensive tackle. Played three NFL seasons. Recorded three sacks. Would have to quadruple that number to qualify as an afterthought. Would have to quintuple that number to be confused with former pro linebacker Bob Lee Nelson, who started in two Super Bowls for the Oakland and Los Angeles Raiders.
In the game: Bane of centers, eater of quarterbacks, destroyer of worlds. A blurry smudge of pixels that keeps offensive coordinators up at night. Better than Richard Dent. For reasons unknown, Nelson's speed rating is better suited to a defensive back; under user control, said speed can be used to slip past the opposing center and guard, untouched, on almost every snap. (As soon as the ball is hiked, press down and the dive button). Twenty-sack games and 200-sack seasons are not out of the realm of possibility.
Overrated archetype: Mr. Inexplicable. Digital athletes who are simply and mysteriously effective, sans rhyme or reason. Nelson is lucky to be in game. Yet in the game, he's a one-man natural disaster. Why ask why? Just try to duck.
Fellow travelers: Petr Klima in "NHLPA 93;" Mike Ridley in "NHL 95;" Brian Bosworth in "All-Pro Football 2K8," a Mike Singletary-like tackling machine. "I hate to pile on the Boz, but he's the very definition of overrated," Ekberg says. "He has no place in anything with the phrase 'All-Pro' in its title."
Expert opinion: Had Nelson been this ferocious in real life, Michael Lewis would be writing a book about the evolution of the center position. "The nose tackle dive play was called the 'Bob Nelson' in my area," says Glen Haag, co-author of the SportsGamerBlog.com. "You would set ground rules before the game began that no one could use the dive play with Nelson. I have no idea why the people at Tecmo loved that man like they did, but he was almost unstoppable."
Game: "Tecmo Super Bowl"
In real life: Defensive tackle. Played three NFL seasons. Recorded three sacks. Would have to quadruple that number to qualify as an afterthought. Would have to quintuple that number to be confused with former pro linebacker Bob Lee Nelson, who started in two Super Bowls for the Oakland and Los Angeles Raiders.
In the game: Bane of centers, eater of quarterbacks, destroyer of worlds. A blurry smudge of pixels that keeps offensive coordinators up at night. Better than Richard Dent. For reasons unknown, Nelson's speed rating is better suited to a defensive back; under user control, said speed can be used to slip past the opposing center and guard, untouched, on almost every snap. (As soon as the ball is hiked, press down and the dive button). Twenty-sack games and 200-sack seasons are not out of the realm of possibility.
Overrated archetype: Mr. Inexplicable. Digital athletes who are simply and mysteriously effective, sans rhyme or reason. Nelson is lucky to be in game. Yet in the game, he's a one-man natural disaster. Why ask why? Just try to duck.
Fellow travelers: Petr Klima in "NHLPA 93;" Mike Ridley in "NHL 95;" Brian Bosworth in "All-Pro Football 2K8," a Mike Singletary-like tackling machine. "I hate to pile on the Boz, but he's the very definition of overrated," Ekberg says. "He has no place in anything with the phrase 'All-Pro' in its title."
Expert opinion: Had Nelson been this ferocious in real life, Michael Lewis would be writing a book about the evolution of the center position. "The nose tackle dive play was called the 'Bob Nelson' in my area," says Glen Haag, co-author of the SportsGamerBlog.com. "You would set ground rules before the game began that no one could use the dive play with Nelson. I have no idea why the people at Tecmo loved that man like they did, but he was almost unstoppable."
Anyone remember the party we had at Hutch Apartments when we placed bets on CPU v. CPU Tecmo Super Bowl games? Anyone remember Packers v. Broncos? Anyone remember Bob Fucking Nelson having like 15 sacks??? I'm not sure there has ever been a more perfect passage from an article (the rest of the article is spot on too), that corresponded to something in real life. In closing, I wish I was 21 again.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Oktoberfest Overview
-Badger game sucked balls.
-I barely remember either Brewer game (see last post).
-It was generally a skeleton crew. A large number of regulars were missing and/or out of action.
- That fat bitch who is friends of nobody I know, that decided to tie her shirt up so her fat, fucking, c-sectioned stomach stuck out, and her back fat clapped? I almost committed murder....only her fucking fat kept her from feeling pain, so I just had another drink. But seriously, who the fuck was that bitch, and why did she hang around us all fucking day?
-That guy at Brother's is still trying to find the Badger game and the Brewer game on the satellite.
-Donald is still trying to find the Grand Stay Inn.
-Dan is still trying to get Brother's to open an hour early...so he can show up 3 hours late.
- I am still sitting at Brother's by myself at 9am drinking, and being stared at. I am also still screaming at Richard on the phone "Are we in Russia?"
-Dan and I are still blaming Schmock for the Badger's loss. (Because he wasn't there).
- I am still trying to figure out how to get "Brown Sugar" (our waitress at Hooter's) elected as our next Senator.
-I am still trying to figure out how those douche bags were drinking in my hotel elevator at 10 am yesterday.
-I am still trying to figure out how it was possible that my body was able to retain all 50 drinks I had on Saturday, so that I was able to vomit it all out at once when I got back to my hotel. By the way, drinking 30 screwdrivers isn't as enjoyable coming back up.
-I'm still trying to figure out how the Packers looked that poor yesterday. The run offense and defense sucked badly. Ryan Grant needs to be sent a message I think. The pass defense did everything they could to keep them in it, but to no avail. Lets hope the Matt Flynn era doesn't begin Sunday. Mike Turner might run for 200 on us next week. There is a 439% chance that Game 4 of the Brewer series is on at the same time as the Packers next week.
-I'm still waiting to find out what Ricky lost.
-I'm still wondering how many "stranglers" there were at my hotel before they locked the side door even for people with fucking keys.
-I'm still wondering how long Zeus from "No Holds Barred" (the shitty bartender at shitty Shooters) went on stealing fucking change from people before someone busted a bottle over his head.
-I can't wait till next year.
-I barely remember either Brewer game (see last post).
-It was generally a skeleton crew. A large number of regulars were missing and/or out of action.
- That fat bitch who is friends of nobody I know, that decided to tie her shirt up so her fat, fucking, c-sectioned stomach stuck out, and her back fat clapped? I almost committed murder....only her fucking fat kept her from feeling pain, so I just had another drink. But seriously, who the fuck was that bitch, and why did she hang around us all fucking day?
-That guy at Brother's is still trying to find the Badger game and the Brewer game on the satellite.
-Donald is still trying to find the Grand Stay Inn.
-Dan is still trying to get Brother's to open an hour early...so he can show up 3 hours late.
- I am still sitting at Brother's by myself at 9am drinking, and being stared at. I am also still screaming at Richard on the phone "Are we in Russia?"
-Dan and I are still blaming Schmock for the Badger's loss. (Because he wasn't there).
- I am still trying to figure out how to get "Brown Sugar" (our waitress at Hooter's) elected as our next Senator.
-I am still trying to figure out how those douche bags were drinking in my hotel elevator at 10 am yesterday.
-I am still trying to figure out how it was possible that my body was able to retain all 50 drinks I had on Saturday, so that I was able to vomit it all out at once when I got back to my hotel. By the way, drinking 30 screwdrivers isn't as enjoyable coming back up.
-I'm still trying to figure out how the Packers looked that poor yesterday. The run offense and defense sucked badly. Ryan Grant needs to be sent a message I think. The pass defense did everything they could to keep them in it, but to no avail. Lets hope the Matt Flynn era doesn't begin Sunday. Mike Turner might run for 200 on us next week. There is a 439% chance that Game 4 of the Brewer series is on at the same time as the Packers next week.
-I'm still waiting to find out what Ricky lost.
-I'm still wondering how many "stranglers" there were at my hotel before they locked the side door even for people with fucking keys.
-I'm still wondering how long Zeus from "No Holds Barred" (the shitty bartender at shitty Shooters) went on stealing fucking change from people before someone busted a bottle over his head.
-I can't wait till next year.
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