Gregg Easterbrook is a Moron

Actual passage from his Tuesday Morning QB article on ESPN.com (where else?):

" Seven of their last 12 first-round choices were invested in linebackers and defensive linemen. That means other positions on the team are starved for talent -- and it's not even
clear the front seven will be particularly good."

Really? I guess having Aaron Rodgers at QB means you are starved for talent. I guess having Jennings and Driver (both Pro Bowlers) means you are starved for talent at WR. I guess Woodson and Harris (both Pro Bowlers) means we have no talent at corner. I guess Nick Collins (Pro Bowler) isn't very talented either. And that isn't even mentioning Finley, Lee, Grant, Nelson, Jones, etc. all who have Pro Bowl potential at least some day. And as far as the front 7 goes, I bet Kampman (Pro Bowler) might have beef with that assessment. As would Raji, Jenkins, Pickett, Barnett and Hawk (all solid). Obviously, Ted Thompson is an idiot and we are going 1-15 this year.

Seriously. If you don't know anything about a team. And haven't ever seen them play. I don't want your opinion. Nor does the rest of Packer Nation.

"What's The Point?"

Or, alternate title: "The Gay Urinal". This is a retrospective of the Packers-Browns preseason game on Saturday night, including two pictures.

Richard, Mrs. Juice, Mrs. Juice's friend and I got to the stadium area around 4:30 (gametime 7). Started out the drinking (besides the two beers before we left) with some green water flavored substance that supposedly contained lime vodka, which almost certainly didn't. It was called a "Packer Backer" and it was a mere $5.50, which is a bargain. At least it was fucking hot, so it hydrated me.

Allegedly the country band "Big & Rich" were playing in the parking lot behind Stadium View. I'm unsure a) why anyone would pay for this when you could clearly hear them outside of the fence or b) if Big & Rich is really a big deal if they are playing in the parking lot behind a bar before a Packer preseason game. Have you HEARD some of the shitty bands that play in these tents before games? The only reason I even though to find out who was playing was that they had the gigantic ass stage that was clearly professional-type. We slug down a couple more beers and head towards the stadium, figuring if we blew $60 on these tickets (forced to by the organization through the "lottery" program by making you pay before you know what game you get) we should at least see the starters play.

On the way in, we see this guy:

Now I realize that this picture doesn't say a whole lot, so let me explain. As I said earlier, it was in the 90s and sunny. This kid was standing on a board, shirtless, with a weird wife-beater tan line, dancing to rather loud Michael Jackson music for tips. And he was dancing his fucking ass off, and just drenched in sweat. Did I tip him? Fuck no I didn't tip him. But I stood and laughed. This kid could not have been more than 14. My wife yells at him, where are your parents? He stops dancing, and yells back, "I'm 17! I can drive myself!" And the crowd roared with laughter. The picture above is him packing up his shit at around 10:30. We first saw him dancing at around 6:15. A little while later, we saw an even younger kid, who I presume was this kids brother, selling water out of a cooler, with no parents in sight. Who said professional football games aren't a family atmosphere?

The game itself was fun. We got shitfaced. Packers played well (especially the starters). Found out that they now have "bottomless" popcorn tubs at Lambeau. For $6, you get one of those giant movie sized tubs, and you can refill it as often as you want. Which for an NFL stadium that sells beers for $6.50, is a spectacular deal. We ate two of them between the four of us.

There was a group of 4 ladies between probably 65 and 80 years old, drinking heavily. One lady yelled at the beer vendor, "Hurry up! I'm on Medicare over here!" That was pretty awesome.

I learned another valuable lesson that I believe only applies to warm weather and preseason games. If you bring two attractive women to a preseason game with you, they are going to be hit on by a non-stop barrage of douche bags, and it doesn't matter that they are with other guys, are married, or have boyfriends, or if the douche bags are married. In fact, there was a douche bag in front of us who spent the whole second half turned backwards towards us and was hitting on my wife and her friend right in front of us, even though it was clearly stated on more than one occasion that we were married. Which led to Richard and I having this conversation for the first of many times that night "What is the fucking point?" "What exactly are these guys attempting to accomplish?" "Why are they wasting their time?" We were unable to come up with any answers. This conversation may have taken place in the men's room, in which the gayest photo op ever, was sadly missed. We go in, there are about 14 urinals or so. There are guys lined up in basically every other urinal so I am forced to go to the one right next to Richard, because let's face it, if I have to look at another guy's dick, I might as well be used to it. Anyway, as soon as we start pissing every other guy leaves, leaving Richard and I next to each other, with 12 empty urinals to my left, and no gay urinal between us. To make it worse, we were wearing near identical A.J. Hawk jerseys. That would have been the funniest shit ever. Especially if you know how gay Richard is and how bad he wants to nail me.

On the way out, we were jogging behind this fine thang trying to take her picture (which is why it is so blurry). The picture does not do it justice, but enjoy anyway. I suggest getting a Kleenex ready:

If you can't tell, that is a pink A-Rodg jersey, tight plad shorts, black shoes, a yellow pom-pom on her head, underneath a fucking hat. Couldn't make it up. It is just a small sampling of aboug 85% of chicks at Packer games.

So the game finishes up, and we decide to check out another new gigantic bar by the stadium "Tom, Dick & Harry's". Pretty cool place, gigantic concert area, no smoking, and fantastic pizza. Had a few drinks there and went over to Anduzzi's, where more douche bags needlessly hit on my clearly and audibly married wife and her friend who kept saying she had a boyfriend (even though that is questionable at best). Had half the bar chanting friends name to get her to take a shot (which she did). Richard referred to dancing to Michael Jackson to pick up chicks, and said "P.Y.T." instead of "Pretty Young Thing". It was classic.

Found some random (and by random I mean that I'm pretty sure the guy was a rapist looking for his next victim because his "cab" didn't have a meter) cab to drive us home. Everyone but me immediately passed out, and I quite frankly probably saved everyone's life as a result. Had a beer on the patio, Richard screwed wife's friend while she was passed out, and everyone went to bed. The End.

Finals Preview, Diets and iPhones

- I will force myself to watch every NBA Finals game because it is my duty as someone who calls myself a sports fan. Even though I suspect I won't like it much. I dislike the Lakers, and will be rooting for the Magic, but if I had to bet I would take the Lakers.

- My wife is out of town for work for the next two days. It gives us both an excuse to fuck up our diets and eat out. Of course, when she eats out, it is inevitably a salad. I am personally trying to go out of my way to gain all 30 pounds back in two days. Last night I got one of those Bread Bowl Pasta things from Domino's, and it was quite possibly the best 1400 calories I have ever eaten. I was physically ill afterwords, and it was great.

- SportsBottle, Ricky and any one else with an iPhone can shove them up their asses. I am getting a new phone in a few weeks, and would totally get an iPhone except that AT&T has deemed Green Bay not important enough to have 3G, and I'm not about to fuck around with worse than dial up cell phone Internet and pay an arm and a leg to do it. Plus, I already have two iPods, so alot of the point of the extra money would be wasted. But I do hope to be a faggot with Blackberry so I can do nothing but sit around and text/send emails/surf the internets at all social events, because everyone else does anyway, so why even bother fighting it.

-RE: Marlins comment. I won't argue at all about the history of the Marlins. They've done a shitload of cool things. But 1,000 people at a game. Fucking embarrassing.

My eyes are bleeding

I am emailing myself this from work at about 3:20 CST, because I just heard the news and I am too upset to work anymore and I wanted to get this out while it is fresh in my mind. My first thought is that Favre is a fucking crybaby and should shut the fuck up. It basically sounds like he retired, then changed his mind, and sort of let it be known that he might want to come back, and because Thompson, McCarthy, the starting offensive line and Justin Timberlake didn't drive down to Mississippi in the Madden Cruiser to take turns getting on thier knees to beg him to come back all while deep throating his balls. Now he is asking to be released because he was so good for so long, and they owe him. Well fuck you you fucking asshole.

I guess he played for free all these fucking years. And I guess Tom, Dick, Harry, Mary Jane Rottencrotch and myself didn't spend our hard earned and pretty fucking small paychecks as often as possible to watch him play on Sunday. But you're right, you work so much fucking harder than us, and did so much more for the Green Bay fucking Packers (who have been around since fucking 1919 and won 11 fucking championships before he showed up by the way) than they did for him (even though he was quickly on his way to drinking his way out of the league when we traded for him in 1992). FUCK!

I would be remiss if I said Favre wasn't great, wasn't a Hall of Famer, wasn't possibly the best Packer ever to play, and didn't help bring us back from the shitter as a franchise. But he's just one guy. He doesn't play defense, he doesn't coach and he doesn't block. He had help. I would argue Wolf, Holmgren and White were just as if not more important to that title and his MVPs. The only thing you can't argue about was Favre's longevity which was ridiculous.

I am a GREEN BAY PACKER fan. I root for people who wear their uniform. Some (Favre) are better than others (Dilweg). Favre just happened to play QB for my favorite team for the majority of my life, and I had the good fortune to see him in person about 13 or 14 times and he had the good fortune to have a good team around him, stay healthy and be fucking good. But, let it be known, if he ends up playing for anyone else, ESPECIALLY Chicago, Minnesota or Detroit, I will fucking hate him more than any other player that has ever played. He makes Benedict Ryan Longwell look innocent. I will pray for him to be hit by a car. Just like I do weekly for Adrian Peterson and Rex Grossman (he does a pretty good job of sucking balls himself). One man is not above the team.

After saying all of that, the Packers response should be FUCK YOU. (UPDATE: Actually, it was lick the back of my nuts, but we will always love you.) Favre could not have possibly handled this any worse. He is now a white Chad Johnson, but you won't hear anyone say it. He is another guy in a long line of guys who ask for their releases or ask to be traded, and hopefully he is another one that gets rejected. This is NOT the Packers fault in any way. Favre fucking retired. He cried. Whether they rented him 12 Asian hookers to try to stop him from retiring, I dunno, but it isn't their decision to make. If he hadn't retired, we wouldn't be here today. I would be blissfully happy to have him under center, looking forward to a successful season, and dreading next offseason when he took four months to make up his mind again. Favre has every right to change his mind I suppose.

(UPDATE#2: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. IF THIS IS TRUE, DOUBLE EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT THINKING HE IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Check this shit: In late March during the NFL Owners Meeting, Favre informed the team he wanted to play again, multiple sources have told FOXSports.com. Not only did he insist he was returning, both head coach Mike McCarthy and GM Ted Thompson agreed that he still had something left and they would welcome him back. Despite the fact that those close to Favre have stated Thompson did not want Favre back, Thompson was the deciding factor in agreeing it was not too late to have him un-retire at that time and start for the Packers in 2008.
In fact, team brass went as far as chartering a jet to fly to Mississippi to make it official later that week. The agreement was that the NFL's all-time leading passer would return for the year but help make it easier and palatable for Rodgers, who would have to wait another season to take the helm.
The group was set for this huge move when Favre suddenly phoned the team two days before the meeting was to take place and informed McCarthy that he had changed his mind yet again and was staying retired. While team officials were stunned by Favre's reversal, they made the decision to move on and draft his replacement, a move that Favre at the time understood. The Packers selected two quarterbacks in April's draft, Louisville's Brian Brohm in the 2nd round and LSU's Matt Flynn in the 7th round. But if he decides to come back, it is not the organizations fault, it is Favre's. )

I think the biggest thing here is, the organization has moved on psychologically, and so have alot of fans. It isn't fair to anyone involved to think they should do fucking backflips when he feels like he might, possibly, eventually, think about coming back. Ted Thompson needs to do what is best for the team and right now (even though this is an assumption that everyone is making, and we have no idea what the truth really is) he feels like that is to treat Favre like any other player. He hasn't jumped when Favre said, and Favre is bitching like a whiny girl. Thompson feels like Favre isn't above the team, and at this point he may feel like things have progressed to far to go back. (AND THAT FUCKING PRICK CHANGED HIS MIND ONCE ALREADY. SEE ABOVE) The best real life example I have heard to compare this situation to is when a hot girlfriend dumps you, you grieve, you mourn, you get all fucked up, make out with a few randoms, but eventually you find someone you think you can be happy with and you settle down a bit, only to have that hot ex-girlfriend expect you to drop everything when she gets done fucking a bunch of dudes with 13 inch cocks and take her back. It's not fair. Of course the hot ex will then file some bullshit domestic violence charge against you to top it all off, and then try to hook up with your most hated rival in front of you.

I believe the Packers should make Favre continue to look like the idiot (except to all of the uneducated dipshits around here, who apparently weren't really Packer fans because they are going to follow #4 wherever he goes), and make him force the issue. When he demands to be put on the roster or released (which he hasn't done) they should cut their 5th string left guard and put him on the roster. Then they should try to work out a trade where it fits GB the best, and where he isn't going to show up in a game against GB. If they can't trade him, make him show up to training camp or be fined. Make him hold a fucking clipboard all season if you have to. Or better yet, make him inactive every week so there isn't a sideshow for the fans. And fucking pay him his salary every year. He has no leverage here whatsoever, just like any other player. I realize that roster spots are very valuable, but send him a message that he either sits and collects his money, or he plays where the Packers tell him to play. He signed the contract, he has to honor it. What he is doing is terrible and wrong, and is tearing Packer Nation apart at the seams. He doesn't give a shit about them, and he never did.

He is ruining my life and some of the greatest sports memories I have ever had. It is like turning 20 and finding out that your dad was cheating on your mom with a dude for your whole life. It will be a really long time before I get over this. If he goes to a rival, it will be years before I can remember him fondly.

UPDATE #3: It appears that most of my rant was jumping the gun, and the Pack agree with me. It really, really, pisses me off that he was all set to come back in March, then changed his mind, and changed it back. I really hope this shuts all of the Ted Thompson haters the fuck up. All of you can put on your Baltimore Ravens or Tampa Bay Buccaneer Favre jerseys, and give me your fucking Packer season tickets so I can enjoy the greatest franchise on planet earth.

J-Taylor

Sounds like he is an even bigger douche than I thought.