It's Alive!

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I necessarily missed Loaf Cobra. I mean, he is a helluva guy, and I guess I did miss his geometry teacher/possible drug addict sense of humor. What I did NOT miss, was having to waste our precious Internets space on shit about Minnesota, that didn't involve shitting on their streets, banging their women, or nuking it off the map. I just looked at the "tags" on the site, and I notice that there were 50 articles tagged with "Green Bay Packers" and ONE tagged "Minnesota Vikings". I don't think it was any coincidence that Loaf Cobra was in rehab for the past six months and didn't have Internet access. So welcome back. And I hope Tubby leaves you high and dry and takes his ridiculous athletes with him so Bo can get back to pillaging the Minnesota for its "talent".

Rubber Match Bitches

Fuck, I feel like I've been gone for a month. Alot to catch up on.

-Vacation was pretty successful. It is one giant tourist trap though. The prices of everything in Door County are jacked up about 20%. But it was relaxing, good weather, nice scenery, good food, etc. FIB count ended up at 13. If you hear about a few washing up on the shore of Green Bay with a Benz hood ornament up their asses, you know who to call.

-NBA Draft: I didn't hate the Joe Alexander pick, the Bucks can always use another white guy. Not your average white guy in that he seems to have some quicks. Although it seemed a bit like he didn't start playing until March. I had really never heard his name until the tournament. Whatever. LOVED what the T-Wolves did by trading for the even bigger/slower K-Love. He is going to move in with Kevin McHale and they are going to make tall/slow/white children together. (Twisting knife). However, I absolutely HATED what the Bucks did after the draft. They traded Bobby Simmons and Yi for Richard Jefferson. Look, Bobby Simmons sucks dick, and basically his contract was a throw in here. But the Bucks gave up on a top 10 pick after one year, and on the millions they stood to gain from China. Jefferson is a pretty good player, but not someone that jumps out as being great. And he's another jumpshooter going to a team full of jumpshooters. I just don't like the deal at all. Maybe Yi sucks and it will work out, I'm not an NBA expert. In fact, I don't even really like the NBA, so I don't know why I'm even stressing about it.

-Border War III. It is awkward going on vacation during this series. I didn't really have cell service, and I shut my phone off more than normal. Both days I had multiple text messages and voice mails both nights so far. I did manage to watch most of the first game (fucking Mota) and the beginning and end last night (have you heard of Parra now fuckface?). Sheets will win today.

-I got official word today that I have four tickets to the November 30th Green Bay Packer v. Carolina Panther game via the lottery. Let the games begin to see who earns the right to come with me and the wife.

Another unoriginal post - Border war III

GET DOWN!!!

This weekend brings another exciting edition of Twins-Brewers, taking place at the giant garbage pit in downtown Minneapolis (aka The Metrodome). Here are my predictions:


Game 1: McClung v. Blackburn - This one has the makings of a 13-12 type of score to it. Twins win in the 9th when Carlos Gomez steals home.



Game 2: Parra v. Hernandez - Hernandez will have another one of those outstanding 15 hit, 1 run outings. I have never heard of Parra, but I'm impressed he is 7-2? Is he one of those guys who started out in the bullpen and picked up a couple of lucky wins in relief so Yost just says "Screw it, let's move him into the rotation." Twins win 6-3.



Game 3: Mr. soon to be coveted free agent v. Slowey (who?). This has the feel to one of those games where the Twins have recently crawled back into first place and you start to feel confident, only to see them get absolutely dominated and realize "there is no way in hell we are making the playoffs, and if we do, we will get dominated with pitchers like Kevin Slowey." Brewers win

7-0 including twoPrince Fielder homes (one inside the park homer when Gomez slides and allows a fly ball past him.)



P.S. I predict Juice takes at least 8 strokes on the 69 yard par 3 and says "fuck" at least 5 times.



P.P.S. O.J. Simpson was in fucking Fargo, ND of all places. And yes, people are here are soaking that shit up because they are crazy for something interesting to happen (that does NOT include me).



http://www.in-forum.com/News/articles/206218

Stolen Literary Device

I am ganking the "running diary" used most often by Bill Simmons. I don't think he has a patent. Whatever.

Saturday

6:15 a.m.: Wake my ass up to cash in on the race I signed up to run.

7:40 a.m.: Arrive to the race to the throngs of people (15,000 plus).

8a.m.: Trip over about 4,000 of those people at the start as I start off way too fast. Most of those little fuckers were about 7 years old who would proceed to sprint past me and then come to a dead stop in front of me for the next hour.

9:08 a.m.: We finish. Sweat from front to back of my shirt.

9:45 a.m.: Begin cracking the whip on the wife to hurry up so I can go drink.

11:06 a.m.: Whomever had 11:06 a.m. in the "When would Juice would spill something on his new white Ryan Braun jersey" pool. Congrats.

11:45 a.m.: We leave for Milwaukee.

2:15 p.m.: Arrive in Milwaukee.

3:00 p.m.: Arrive at Miller Park. I miraculously get out of driving due to my buddy's girlfriend's dad and his 7 seat Lincoln Navigator that gets our group to the game. Kudos to that shit.

3:00 p.m. and 3 seconds: Crack the first Miller Lite.

4:30 p.m.: I have the best brat I've ever had in my life.

5:30 p.m.: A random fucking thunderstorm strikes 40,000 in the parking lot. Despite seeing the clouds loom for an hour, and watching the dome close, nobody budged until it was raining sideways. Even the Twins fans.

6:00 p.m.: Arrive in seat with a 7 dollar beer.

Around here is where it gets hazy. I know I had about 3 or 4 more large beers. I know I won one of those on a bet of the 5th inning score with some asshole Twins fan. Oh, and the split was about 50/50, which is not fun when your team loses.

ANYWAYS (another stolen literary device, thanks Chuck Klosterman), I semi-blacked out somewhere between the 8th and 12th innings. I was able to keep my motor function: walking, talking, etc. I was just super wobbly and profane (apparently, and not all that surprisingly). Either way, the wife put the kabosh to any further drinking, and probably saved my life and a Monday morning hangover. Managed to fight off a good vomit the next morning and after a two hour nap I was no worse for the wear.

One Blacked out Man's thoughts on the game: I may have imagined this but Yost had no problem throwing Torres out there for 2 1/3 in a non-save situation. Then sent out Tavaras for a second inning in lieu of Mota, DiFelice and Dillard. There was no real reason for this, but Neddy claims he didn't want to "put a rookie out there with the game on the line" (even though like two days ago he put Dillard out there in a one run game) and "Mota pitched two innings on Wednesday" but "he would've pitched him in the 13th." Then said "I don't worry about the next day, I was playing to win."

He pretty much contradicted himself in everything he said a) in the same day AND b) like two days earlier when he refused to use Mota in the 8TH because it wasn't a "save situation".

Fucking prick held onto his job because of the win yesterday.

In other news:

Tiger's putt yesterday was one of the first times I can remember jumping off the couch and yelling while watching golf. I watched about half of the playoff round online at work. USOpen.com was about the coolest website ever. Live TV coverage online for free, and it was pretty crystal clear. It was a lot better than March Madness On Demand, which used to be the best thing ever.

The Promised Crew v. Twinkie preview

Sometimes, 3 out of 162 baseball games carry so much emotion and hatred that it calls for a preview by somebody that doesn't really have any special knowledge of the game. Someone who is sitting on the couch watching people floating down the fucking street in a canoe (I'm not fucking kidding, I just saw it on TV) There is allegedly 6 fucking FEET of water on Highway 41 in Fond du Lac. OK, well the apocalypse aside, here is your goddamn preview.

The Twinks lucked the fuck out by missing Sheets. I'm just sayin'.

Game 1: Kevin Slowey (2-6, 5.15) v. Dave Bush (2-6, 5.85)

This game will be like watching old people fuck. Not very much fun, but with all the homers flying out it will be like a car crash where you can't turn away. I'm glad the Twins have a 6 game loser too.

Not many Brewer at bats v. Slowey. Hall, Hardy and Hart have pounded him (in their 3 or 4 at bats). Team OPS is 1.151 v. Retardey errrr. ...I mean Slowey.

Again not much Twins v. Bush (and I think it is mostly because they loooove asshole). Michael Cuddyer is a comical 6 for 11 lifetime v. Bushie. Mike Redmond also has nice stats. Overall though, Twins have a .583 OPS v. Bush.

I'm going with a 8-5 Brewer win in Game 1.

Game 2: Glen Perkins (2-2, 4.58) v. Jeff Suppan (4-4, 3.78)

I've never fucking heard of Glen Perkins, I'll be honest. When I saw Perkins, I thought it might be SAM Perkins, but no such luck.

Soup is a fucking BORING pitcher to watch. And he puts three guys on every inning and might give up 2 runs in 7 innings....with 13 hits.

The only current Brewer with an at-bat against him is Gabe Kapler, and he is 0 for 1.

Surprisingly little experience against the Twins for Soup too. He fucking OWNS Mike Lamb (3 for 19). Mauer, Morneau, Redmond and.....Livan Hernandez, have had success in relatively few at bats v. Soup. .765 team OPS v. Soup, which is slightly above average.

Honestly, this one is sort of a push for me. Typically, pitchers going against hitters for the first time have the advantage. But I don't want to watch the Brewers lose. Fuck it. 5-4 Brewers.

Game 3: Scott Baker (2-1, 3.60) v. Ginger (3-3, 4.07)

Hall and Hardy have pounded Baker too (odd). .827 OPS for Crew v. Baker.

Ginger destroys Craig Monroe (0-6). Mauer, Morneau and Redmond have been nice against him. .871 OPS.

I'll be kind and give one to the Twins. 6-5.