This Is An Emergency Blog Post

My wife left me to go to a conference. I'm sitting home alone. A few weeks ago I recorded "Masters of the Universe" on my DVR. I was a huge He-Man fan growing up in the 80's, and I had never seen the movie. Plus, Dolph Lundgren plays He-Man. Anyways, I'm sitting here watching it, and it is so absurd that I needed to start a sort of live blog on it.

SUMMARY OF THE FIRST 52 MINUTES

-He-Man is played by Dolph Lundgren, which is awesome.

-Skelator, who is the main bad guy, has the Sorceress held hostage. Also, he is clearly wearing a bad rubber mask.

-Perhaps I don't recall He-Man as well as I thought, but there are dudes with lasers everywhere.

-Oh, and there is some kind of space portal deal that sent He-Man and friends to Earth. Hilarity ensues. Oh, and Courtney Cox is the main human character.

BACK TO PRESENT

-A cop, played by the guy who plays the asshole principal in Back to the Future, takes the "cosmic key", which is the thing that lets them travel around space. He-Man shows up in his briefs and giant sword at a record store, because everyone in present day earth thinks it is a "synthesizer". Also, it is 1987.

-"Good guys" hide in a record store (again, 1987) when the bad guys show up. Also, the bad guys are just storm troopers dressed in black suits. This movie is a "Star Wars" ripoff. It is probably the same actors shooting the lasers.

-The guns themselves look like the Lazer Tag guns from the 80s.

-There is a troll looking thing.

-Cop is the asshole guy that doesn't understand the fact that there are aliens shooting fucking laser beams, and tries to threaten Courtney Cox's boyfriend with "850 years in prison", then tackles him to try to take his gun even though He-Man was clear what he wanted to happen. No doubt the asshole cop is going to fuck this up.

-Skelator's main bitch (Evil-Lyn) disguised herself to look like Courtney Cox's dead mother and asks for the cosmic key. Courtney Cox was a dumb bitch and fell for it. Oh oh!

-Oh shit. Skelator just showed up in 1987 with like 10,000 storm troopers and a hover-craft/throne thing with a bunch of blinky lights on it!

-By the way, Skelator's bitch is named Evil-Lyn. And she's evil.

-Some of the storm troopers have flying surfboards now!

-I think they stole the troll guy from "Leprechaun" or "Willow".

-Now He-Man is on a flying surfboard, and the special effects are horrendous.

-I just realized that there has been about a half an hour laser gun-fight in the streets of this town, and there hasn't been a single citizen to be seen other than Courtney Cox, her boyfriend and the cop.

-Oh shit, He-Man just swooped in and grabbed the key from that bitch. The chopped a stormtrooper in half with his sword.

-The good guy chick that was with He-Man looks exactly like the fighting whore chick from "Total Recall". I just imdb'd her. She was not in Total Recall. But she was in The Last Boy Scout.

-Skelator is just chillin on his hovercraft. Just told He-Man to join him and save his friends, or die with them. And he does. I bet Skelator kills them anyway. Word? He didn't kill them. Weird.

-Skelator, He-Man and the million storm troopers go through their black hole thing back to Eternia. The others are stuck in 1987.

-The troll and Courtney Cox's boyfriend are using a keyboard to fix the cosmic key because the cosmic key uses keyboard sounds to open up black holes to other planets.

-Skelator is torturing He-Man with a laser whip.

-Skelator is so obviously Emporer Palpatine.

-Some shit happened with Skelator and now he is wearing some kind of mask/crown thing that looks like the hindu god thing (can't think of the name). And his eyes are glowing yellow. Pretty bad ass I guess.

-The keyboard thing worked and now the rest of the good guys (and the cop) end up in Skelator's throne room.

-Skelator tries to kill He-Man with a lightning bolt, and He-Man just leans away and Skelator zaps his chains off. Then as Skelator keeps trying to shoot lightning bolts, He-Man keeps pulling storm troopers in front of them.

-I had Topperstix for dinner.

-For the first time, He-Man grabs his sword and says "I have the power!" And Skelator just kind of watches. Now, lights went out save for a random spotlight that Skelator keeps nearby to randomly change colors, and the two have their final battle. Somehow all the storm troopers and good guys stop fighting and disappear. They totally, absofuckinglutely copied the Skywalker/Vader light saber fight, and then copied the scene where Obi-Wan(?) falls down the giant hole and screams all the way down to his death. Might have been someone else, but definitely a Star Wars scene.

-So Skelator is dead, all is safe. Everyone give their good byes. The cop decides he is just going to stay in Eternia and live in Castle Greyskull. And he picked up some random hot chick. Why not? I guess he will just eat alien food and his human body will adjust.

-And Courtney Cox wakes up in her bed. Wearing a nightgown that goes from her neck to her ankles and is long sleeved. And her parents are suddenly alive even though they died in a plane crash.

The End. You know? Maybe it wasn't that bad. It was cheesy. But throw on a 1987 movie and find one that isn't cheesy as shit. Especially when it actually took place in 1987. I'd never watch it again, and I wouldn't necessarily recommend that you waste an hour and a half either. That was fun I guess.

Conspiracies, Loonies and Bad Movies

A list of random bullet points, some of which are irrelevant because they are days old:



- I will start with conspiracies. Richard and I logged on to the Twin's website at 9 a.m. sharp to purchase tickets to Brewers v. Twins in May. We were both promptly placed in an online waiting room. About 9:20, we received a message that the tickets were no longer available online....unless, that is, we want to purchase season tickets. First of all, that is fucking ridiculous. But that isn't all. Sunday's game gave us a similar message. A click back on Saturday gave the same message, with a link to StubHub, where there were over a 1,000 tickets available, less than a half hour after tickets went on sale!!! So here goes the conspiracy theory: 1) The Twins are no different than the Vikings when it comes to screwing Wisconsin fans. The Vikings force anyone that wants to buy a ticket to the Packer game to buy a preseason game too. I believe the Twins want season tickets sales, so they are doing whatever they can to get it. 2) There is no fucking way all of the available tickets were put up for sale on Saturday. While it is feasible to sell out a large number of weekend games over the course of a half day or so, there is no way every ticket was sold in 20 minutes. Even if we assume that 22,000 (which is the latest estimate I heard) were gone by way of season tickets. That means that nearly 18,000 tickets had to go in 20 minutes. This translates to nearly 1,000 tickets a minute, which, is fucking impossible. 3) It is also pretty unlikely that within 20 minutes, 1,000 of these alleged 18,000 ended up on StubHub.

I believe that the Twins not only held back a number of the single game tickets, but also put some on Stub Hub themselves to try to raise Joe Mauer money.

So now, I have to wait it out and hope to get a $20 ticket for less than $50.

-I saw a horrible movie on Saturday. "Brooklyn's Finest" is an absolute piece of shit. And I wanted to like it. But I couldn't even justified being entertained despite giving it the benefit of the doubt, and the gratuitous violence, nudity and harsh language (all of which are requirements for me to love a movie). The story (or stories) was just so bad and pointless that the other things couldn't overcome it. Two of the three main characters (Ethan Hawke and Richard Gere) were depressing and unlikeable. The other main character (Don Cheadle) was the only one I cared about at all, and even he (who I love) was not able to carry the other two thirds of the shitty movie. The only other good thing was that the scenes appear to have really been shot in Brooklyn's projects. So to recap: nudity + violence + swearing + Don Cheadle - an awful story= 3 out of 10. I would not even recommend renting it.

-LT to Viking fans: Fuck you. I don't want to play with He Who Shall Not Be Named. And your coach sucks.

-For the first time in recent memory, Bucky didn't get hosed by the selection committee. I like their path to Kentucky in the Sweet 16. And from there? Who knows? I am going to have to DVR the game Friday because they play at 1:50. Which is going to ruin my whole Friday afternoon because I will be a) stressed out about some asshole ruining it, and b) won't be able to watch the games while they are happening.

Morning Juice

It is that magical time again, where I try to make up a name for a series of random posts, and will use it for a week and then never use it again!

TODAY IN SMALL DASHES

-The Super Bowl was good, not great. Largest. Television. Audience. EVER? It is pretty fucking amazing that the record stood for 27 years (and M.A.S.H was not a good show). Why would this particular Super Bowl be first? Sort of confused. The commercials were subpar. I'm not really a huge fan of someone telling me that my mistress cannot have her fetus ripped from her womb, but that Tebow commercial was not a fucking big deal at all.

-Quick Movie Review: "The Happening" starring Mark Wahlberg and a bunch of random assholes. Premise was interesting (plants decide to kill humans by creating a neurotoxin that makes people kill themselves), but very poorly executed and kind of unrealistic (that oak tree is going to make me run myself over with a lawn mower?). The death scenes were pretty epic. Besides the lawn mower, there was the cop who shoots himself in the head, followed by people standing in line one after another picking up the gun and shooting themselves. I like most Wahlberg movies, but this one lacked a certain, I dunno, point. I guess there was no fucking point, and there was no explanation or rhyme or reason for the plants attacking. I give it a 2.5 out of 10 and would recommend it to nobody. It was truly terrible. Not the worst movie I've seen in the last six months. That would go to "The Express". The acting was so bad I had to shut it off. I'm not kidding.

-The Olympics are starting up this weekend. I'm sort of excited only because it will give me something to do while working 20 hours a day (exaggeration). I can keep track of luge results. The only shitty thing is that it is in the same basic time zone, so I'm not going to have Belarus v. Czech Republic hockey on at 8 a.m. to pretend to keep track of.

-Pitchers and catchers in like 10 days. Pumped to watch spring training scores update every 30 minutes at MLB.com while at work. I might decide an extended preview is in order.

-I placed a friendly wager on #9UW v. Illinois tonight. A six pack of beer on this one and the one in Campaign with this dude I work with that went to Illinois. I'm going to make him buy me two six packs of Stella Artois Nobilis. If I lose he's getting Natty Ice.

Quick Movie Review: "Max Payne"

Fucking terrible, even with low expectations. Plot was retarded and disjointed. Action was OK at best. Worst Mark Wahlberg movie ever. What was the point of Mila Kunis's character??? I'm supposed to just believe that her sister gets chopped up, she thinks Max Payne did it, but he just says it wasn't him and then she just shows up with a machine gun on his behalf? Dumb. Seriously, don't bother. I will never get that hour and a half back.