In Pseudo-Defense of Lawrence Taylor

I should really start this with a disclaimer of some sort. I'm not exactly defending what LT allegedly did. One could make the argument that paying someone for sex is morally wrong. Especially when that somebody appears to be underage. And obviously, if this girl was forced into prostitution, or even if she wasn't I guess, it is a sad situation.

In order to make this pseudo-defense, I have to make some assumptions. First, we need to assume that LT paid to have sex with a prostitute, and that he did not know the prostitute was 16. Next, we need to assume that as far as he was concerned, the sex was consensual. As in, the woman didn't try to fight him off or say no, or whatever. These assumptions appear to be safe because of what he was charged with, and I had not heard any accusations of force.

Assuming those things, the media is treating LT unfairly. Every headline this week was "Lawrence Taylor charged with raping a 16 year old girl." 99.9% of America read that headline and had the same reaction I did: "Holy shit. LT was either a) hanging out at one of his kids post prom parties, got a girl drunk and forcibly raped her; or b) LT was hiding behind a dumpster at a high school and forcibly raped a girl against her will." To the average American, that is what you think when you hear the word RAPE.

In legal terms, he was charged with statutory rape, which is essentially having sex with someone that isn't legally old enough to consent. There is not an element of force, and there is not an element that you actually know how old the girl was. If he did what he is accused of, then technically he is a rapist.

To me, there is a HUGE difference between what LT allegedly did which was paying for a prostitute that he had no actual knowledge of her age, and forcing someone to have sex against her will.

Again, I'm not saying he didn't probably commit a crime, or that it was stupid, or in the case of the girl, probably tragic. I just wish the media would stop using the word RAPE, without explaining the details. Because people aren't generally very smart.

As a side note, LT was the best defensive player on Tecmo Bowl, and I once had 100 sacks and 80 INT in a season with him. And he once cut a SUV in half with a large saw on "Any Given Sunday".

Can't Blame The Kid

I would drink too if I was Chilly's kid. And I would want to take a whole bunch of Viqueens fans with me, since they are universally terrible human beings and it is well known that they kill baby seals.

It is a little unclear whether the drinking/murder-suicide attempt (definition of DUI) was the result of: a) being Chilly's kid; b) Chilly's beard; c) Chilly cheating on his mom with He Who Shall Not Be Named. To be continued (or not).

ROLL TIDE!

Not that I would know anything about said matters, but this is the greatest piece of legal writing I've ever seen. I now hate Alabama a little bit less.

Drunk Bosses, Other Civil Wars and The Future of this Blog

DRUNK BOSSES

My work "party" actually ended up pretty fun last night. Two of my four bosses were borderline shitfaced by the time I left at like 6:30. I'm looking forward to the fact that two of them have kids getting married this summer. I'm totally comfortable getting blacked out with them, but I know my wife won't be.

CREIGHTON-NEBRASKA

Nearly forgot about Creighton v. Nebraska on Sunday afternoon. Always one of the games of the year in Nebraska. The atmosphere for these games was always electric. And although most CU fans root for Nebraska football (which is completely, and utterly retarded) there is some real hatred. It is very similar to the Wisconsin-Marquette rivalry. Especially since CU and MU don't have football. And NU-UW are the big state schools. Obviously, I'm on the opposite side of this rivalry. Generally, CU holds their own as they have the better basketball tradition and teams. Almost every game comes down to the last minute. Even though CU has sucked balls this year, I see the Phone Booth crowd of 17,000 carrying them to a tight win.

OFF SHORE GAMBLING

I'm not going to lie. The daily wagering posts have injected new life into the blog. I'm giddy reading about it. And I am super tempted to open an account of my own. And SportsBottle is openly daring me to do it. I love sports books more than just about anything. Obviously, I'm concerned about the legalities, and of losing my money. And getting divorced. The question I have is whether this site is going to end up being a gambling website, and whether the Dept. of Homeland Security will begin monitoring its content. Nobody is ever really able to decide whether or not these transactions are OK. I realize millions of people do it, and its probably pretty low on the list of government things to do. But millions also do drugs, and I definitely wouldn't run out and buy an eight ball.

You Be The Judge

Let's play America's (Wisconsin and Minnesota) favorite game: You Be The Judge!!!

Today's case: Is Mike McCarthy a dick?

You may have heard that some maintenance dude got canned for allegedly saying to McCarthy "don't lay an egg." Some maintenance dude says he didn't say it. McCarthy denies any knowledge of why he was fired.

On one hand, whatever he said to McCarthy was probably a lot worse than "Hey coach, let's get the boys ready to kick some butt this weekend". And even if it wasn't, if I was McCarthy, I probably would have told him "I don't tell you how to clean the shitters, you don't tell me how to coach". I have a hard time believing the Packers fired him for saying that. I also have a hard time believing McCarthy made it his personal mission to get this guy who was probably making like $8/hr fired. What would be his motivation? That and, if you make $8/hr, you probably shouldn't make stupid small talk with the guy making a few million. In a corporate environment, if a janitor talks to the CEO, he probably would disappear off the face of the earth.

On the other hand, McCarthy pretty much refuses to give any detail on an encounter that he clearly remembers, which makes him look guilty as shit. Someone needs to come to his aid, with details, and quickly. The problem is that I'm sure there is some sort of confidentiality agreement that the Packers are following and average white redneck didn't understand so he is talking to every media outlet he can find. It really pisses people off when someone won't answer questions. Also, it doesn't help that McCarthy is presiding over what is looking more and more like a steaming pile of shit of a season. And we are on the heels of a horrendous loss.

MY VERDICT? Kind of a dick. But not a terrible human being. And I don't think he had anything to do with a guy being fired. The guy probably deserved to be fired. And I'm sure there is more to this story.

What say you?

Watch Out For 'Skers

Armed Robbery? Pffft.

Former Nebraska running backs will KILL YOU. I'm writing this to say that it is ironic that Thunder Collins is joining Lawrence Phillips in the 'pen. I'm also writing because I hate Nebraska. But does anyone honestly think NU didn't recruit these guys knowing of their "character issues"? (i.e. killing, raping, running people over with cars while they were on a playground). The people of Nebraska should really stop pretending how proud of a program it is. Because it is Florida St. North. Or Miami North. If Florida St. and Miami players killed more people. I find it awesome that under "Also See" on the right side of the page it lists: "Ex-football player Phillips convicted of seven felonies".

All Wisconsin does is get sweet deals on shoes and drive drunk on mopeds.

Was That Wrong? Should I Not Have Done That?

I don't advocate stabbings (unless it is to Viking or Bear fans). But seriously, don't stab people. And clearly this was self-defense. I mean the guy DID follow him outside to "confront him about his behavior" AKA try to fight the guy, not realizing the guy had a knife. I'm certain the Viking fan in question was simply trying to spread the word of (Sports Bottle's) god and is not at fault at all. Glad the guy isn't dead.

My alternate theory is that the non-Packer fan dude was a He Who Shall Not Be Named Fan who called himself a Packer fan, and the real Packer fan was the dude with the knife.

Toothless, White-Trash, Rednecks

So the saga continues. Karma continues to rear its ugly bitch face. I would think I've built up some good karma with the various shit that has happened over the course of 2009 (and obviously I know that whatever has happened, it could have been worse). But I must be a fucking terrible human being. I guess thinking and speaking various bad thoughts is just as bad as actually acting on them.

But onto last night....The wife and I go to the grocery store to get much needed sustenance. We are getting down to emergency meals (i.e. the ones you only eat when you have no other choice). We spend like 45 minutes getting all sorts of shit, and actually it was a fairly large trip. We double checked before we went to the store that the bank would let us write checks due to the whole stolen wallet thing and security flags and such. We were assured that it wasn't a problem. So the wife writes out a check for $153.42, and the motherfucker gets denied. Few things are embarrassing as the whole chain of events:

1) We are writing a check. We NEVER write checks unless it is to some other person. We always use our credit cards and pay them off online. AND to make it more ironic, I am always the asshole standing behind the old person/neck in line behind the person writing the check wanting to kill them as they take ten minutes to write the stupid fucking check and THEN refusing to leave until they make the entry into their god(Sports Bottle's)damn check register.

2) It is 8 p.m. so there is one open land and about 12 people behind us with two items.

3) They reject the fucking check and treat us like criminals.

4) We make them call over the manager and she is a bitch about it.

5) We act like assholes.

6) We spend like 30 minutes on the phone with the bank while our ice cream melts.

Our bank informs us that they think the problem is with the third party company that grocery stores pay to approve checks for them. Of course, the bank give me the wrong one so I spend the next 15 minutes arguing with some (expletive deleted) woman about whether or not I can read the number off the bottom of my check, and whether I know my own social security number. Finally, we figured out that the grocery store uses a different company to do this job. We call that company and we get a recording telling us that they won't approve it because we are "high risk" and that we can't talk to a real person. Eventually we give up and tell the manager to have fun putting away our groceries.

Upon getting home, we finally fucked with their robot on the phone enough that it gave up and gave us a person. Person tells us that the check was not denied for the theft, or that we are dirtbags, but because WE HAD NEVER WRITTEN A CHECK TO A STORE BEFORE. Which, by the way, is likely true. But it is insane that they won't take a check from someone just because they haven't written it before. Someone I know that went to law school informed me that a CHECK IS A MOTHERFUCKING NEGOTIABLE INSTRUMENT. IT IS FUCKING LEGAL TENDER. IT IS A NOTE THAT ENTITLES YOU TO FUCKING MONEY. LEGALLY, IT SHOULDN'T BE A FUCKING OPTION ON WHETHER YOU WANT TO APPROVE IT OR NOT. We were told we had to write smaller checks to "establish a history". After fucking with the chick for awhile (i.e. Asking her if I could write 75 $2 checks to the same place) we eventually gave up. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go sign up for food stamps because those, unlike FUCKING CHECKS WHERE THE FUCKING BANK ASSURES YOU THERE IS FUCKING MONEY, are never used fraudulently.

OTHER OKTOBERFEST STUFF I REMEMBERED LATER:

- Our old roommate, lets call him Bill, showed up out of the blue. Comments associated with said meeting included: "Now I know where my 40 pounds went." and "I was afraid Bill was going to eat me." and "I love his tits."

- I had not been quiet when saying these things, which is strange because after 25 drinks, I'm usually like a church mouse. Anyways, the conspiracy theory is that he in fact, stole my wallet. Which would not surprise me in the least.

- My wife, my brother and Mark went "Snout Hunting" Which is the meanest thing ever.

- My wife accidentally sent a text to Richards ex-girlfriend that said "I luv u."

I'm sure some other things will come to mind.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I am already sick of He Who Shall Not Be Named v. Packers talk. If we don't win this game I might kill myself.

Great Big Gobs of Grimey Greasy Gopher Guts...

This was about the coolest thing I saw today (other than SportsBottle's mom's lady parts).

A Begrudging Spygate Post

The last thing I really want to write about is "Spygate". I think it is played out, and is now being driven by the media. But there is one aspect of this that really, really, pisses me off. That aspect is Senator Arlen Specter. The guy just won't let it die.

The NFL talked to this Matt Walsh guy, and they were satisfied that he apparently lied to someone about having this Super Bowl tape. And they were satisfied that even if the Pats didn't tell them the whole truth, there wasn't much else there, and the punishment (which was unprecedented) was good enough. Goodell even admitted that the Hoodie lied to him, but he knew it and took that into account when administering the punishment.

So why does Specter feel the need to puff up his chest and demand some ridiculous investigation? Why the fuck should the government care this much about what is going on in the NFL? Specter keeps threatening to remove the NFL's antitrust exemption. This is a stupid threat to make for a number of reasons. The antitrust exemption is basically in place to allow the league as a whole to pool their interests to negotiate TV deals. This is what basically keeps smaller teams afloat, because TV money is where the majority of NFL revenue comes from. If the exemption was repealed, individual teams would have to negotiate their own TV deals, and there would be basically 32 different TV deals. At some point (even though the Packers are extremely popular) small market teams would be forced out of business, because larger markets would get bigger TV deals because they have more people in their markets. The other effect is that the exemption makes it extremely difficult for a competing league because it essentially prevents the networks that carry NFL to carry the new league. In this day and age, this probably isn't that important because there are enough networks (cable and otherwise) that could carry the competition. And anyone starting a league would be insane to try to compete with the NFL anyway. This is a super simplified explanation, and although I once took a class, I am far from an expert on this issue. My point is that this would be a stupid way to deal with this "issue" and a complete overreaction.

Specter is demanding a "Mitchell Report" investigation of this "issue". What did the Mitchell Report exactly accomplish? All it did was out a few people, and make a few legitimate suggestions. It by no means scratched the surface of the steroids problem, and Mitchell had very little power to do a full investigation.

What would a similar report accomplish here? I think it is pretty clear that the Pats cheated. They admit as much, the NFL has punished them. How much it may have affected games is debatable, but no sort of investigation would garner anything that could fix that debate. So an investigation would probably gather a whole bunch of people who may know something, but also may have motive to make things up. In the end, we will be right where we started, we'll have a whole bunch more accusations (maybe even involving more teams taping) and we still won't be able to change anything. And then we'll have a bill for a couple of million dollars that is going to end up on our tax bill.

Does the average fan feel so upset about this that they think the government should step in to get to the bottom of this? Absolutely not. Most people probably hate the Pats a little more, most wouldn't care if Belicheat was given the needle or Brady has his balls cut off, but most realize that continued speculation isn't going to change the outcome of games played 7 years ago. Most people are not effected enough that they consider the NFL to be "fixed" (see NBA) or would stop watching it.

You know what I bet most taxpayers would rather have investigated by the government? Well, probably a lot of things. How about we start by figuring out why it costs me twice as fucking much to fill up my car with gas as it did two years ago? How about we figure out why we could fly a fucking spaceship to the moon in the 1960's, but conveniently nobody can build a car to run on anything but gas and oil? How about we figure out why so few people can afford health care? How about we investigate why Republicans care so much about gay people getting married? Of all things this guy should be worrying about, and making threats about, he chooses this???

At some point, Roger Goodell is going to tell Specter to get bent. To this point they have gone out of their way to at least give the appearance they are cooperating. But I don't believe Specter has the power to unilaterally remove any antitrust exemption. And he'll have to be re-elected at some point, and I imagine his constituents are going to be sick of hearing about this while they are eating Macaroni and Cheese for dinner 4 days a week. Roger is a bad man, and if anyone has as much ability to make someones life as uncomfortable as a Senator could, I believe it is Goodell.

Do I think the NFL probably knows more than they are saying? Yes. Do I think the Pats do too? Yes. Do I think the other 31 teams probably know some things? Yes. The question is, WHO GIVES A SHIT?????

I implore the people of Pennsylvania to use their vote whenever this idiot comes up for re-election, to vote for whomever is running against him.

Seriously. This has to stop.

The Storyteller that is Cedric Benson

This is one of the more insane things I've heard in the past few days and I had to pass along my thoughts from a legal perspective. As you may have heard, Chicago Bears RB Cedric Benson was arrested for Boating While Intoxicated and Resisting Arrest in Texas last weekend. The following, according to ESPN.com, is what the police say he did, versus what Cedric said. Hilarity ensues:

POLICE: "Benson was operating the boat with 15 family members and friends aboard when he was stopped by a Lower Colorado River Authority officer for a random safety inspection. He failed a field sobriety test on the officer's boat and was uncooperative when the officer tried to take him ashore, the authority said.

"When Benson did not pass the test, he presented himself as a threat to the officer and argued about whether or not he would be taken to land to have a follow-up field sobriety test performed on land and refused to put on a life jacket," the authority said in a statement. The officer had to use pepper spray to subdue Benson, a move the running back doesn't understand. Benson then refused to leave the officer's boat and authorities had to drag him to a car to be taken to the Travis County jail, the authority said. "

BENSON: ""I was not intoxicated," Benson told the Chicago Sun-Times. "There was alcohol on the boat and others were enjoying themselves, but I wasn't drunk."

"They gave me a field sobriety test, told me to say my ABCs and told me to count from 1 to 4 up and down," Benson told the Chicago Tribune. "I'm thinking, I passed all the tests, did everything right. Then the officer told me we needed to go to land to take more tests. I politely asked him why we needed to go to land to take more tests when I took every test. Then he sprayed me with mace, on his boat.
"I'm not handcuffed. I'm not under arrest. I'm not threatening him. I'm not pushing him. I'm not touching him. And he sprays me right in my eye." "Even after they pepper-sprayed me, I have no idea why they did that. I was cooperative," Benson told the Sun-Times. "I asked them several times why they did that and they didn't give me an answer."

"Nobody saw what he did to me," Benson told the newspaper. "I started screaming for my mother to come. That's when they put me under arrest. And the officer threw a life jacket over my head.
"Once we got to land, the Travis County police grabbed me and kicked my feet from under me. So I landed on my back while I was handcuffed. They held me down and held the water hose over my face. I couldn't breathe, I'm choking, I'm begging the cops, 'Please stop. Please stop.' Then they picked me up and dragged me backward toward their car. And I'm still being polite, asking them, 'Sir, could you please allow me to walk like a man to your cop car?' They just kept dragging me on."

"This [arrest] is tough to deal with because you're guilty until proven innocent," Benson told the newspaper. "My name is blasted out there like I was fighting these police officers or something. That totally was not the deal. I'm not stupid."

Um.... OK. That is two pretty different opinions on what happened here. Look, I more than anyone, understand that police don't always tell the whole truth, and that they are human, and overreact to situations, and use too much force on occasion. Also, this tends to happen when minorities are involved. It happens quite frequently actually.

That being said: If an officer thinks you failed a field sobriety test, IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER IF YOU THINK YOU PASSED IT! And I doubt very much that he was "being polite" even after being held under a water hose.

If this had happened in Wisconsin (and I'm sure the law is slightly different in Texas) here is what would happen: Police give you the tests, if they say you failed (at least at that point) you failed, and you don't get to have an opinion (polite or not) in the matter. If at that point they ask you (or more likely tell you in a impolite fashion) to come with them, and you ask "Why?", especially when the police are outnumbered at least 15 to 2, it is quite possible you are going to get tasered or pepper sprayed. My guess is the police grabbed his arm to cuff him, and he pulled it away (which is resisting arrest) Or at least will say that is what happened. [UPDATE: Upon telling Benson he was under arrest and about to be put in handcuffs, "I touched his body in an attempt to direct him and he presented himself in a very hostile way,'' Snyder wrote in the report. "Benson [5-foot-11, 220 pounds] is a very muscular person and easily capable of overpowering me. As I had exhausted all attempts to gain control of Benson, and been met with resistance and what I perceived as a threat, I administered pepper spray into Benson's face to gain control." TOLD YOU SO.]

Do I agree with the way the pepper spraying seems to have gone down? No. But regardless of the shenanigans that followed, the failing of the sobriety test gave them probable cause to arrest Benson, and Benson's polite "Why" could be construed as resisting (which was probably charged due to how everything went down). [On a side note, I find it convenient that none of the other 15 people saw any of this happen.]

So pending the chemical test for alcohol, and the officer's testimony, Benson will more than likely be convicted. The amount of force used by officers is a completely separate issue, and whether or not it was excessive doesn't get Benson off of the charges. This is something that happens a lot with criminal defendants where they feel they need to fight charges that they are absolutely guilty of because they feel they are wronged by police. Benson would have to file some type of discrimination suit in federal or state court, or file a complaint with the police department (which would be pointless) if he wants his day in court on the pepper spray issue.

I think this is hilarious as a whole, and I'm super glad to see a Chicago Bear player in this situation and not a Packer.