Holiday, Alleged Double Murder Bowl V Mega-Post!

HOLIDAY BENDER

So it is Christmas time. And this year it is extra special, because we are headed to Lambeau to worship the one true God (sorry Sports Bottle's god), Saint Vince. I'm headed to Lambeau for Packers-Giants in what amounts to a playoff game. What does this mean? Well, it means I have extra drinking motivation.

Typically in my family Christmas Eve is the night to drink. And while it doesn't always happen, if it doesn't, Christmas tends to be a fairly dry holiday. But this year is different. See, I plan to drink my way through the night tonight, while not getting out of control and feeling out the situation. It is weird to drink heavily by yourself, but sometimes my Dad, brother and cousins get in on the act and it turns to fun. We'll see. I've already been warned that I can't puke and/or be hung over tomorrow (does that mean I have a problem)?

Christmas Day usually involves a lot of driving and a few Old Fashions (google it if you aren't from Northeast Wisconsin), but not drinking heavily. However, since the Packer game is Sunday, we are expecting company on Christmas night in the form of Richard at least, and hopefully my brother as well. And, lets face it, I'm not capable of sitting around other dudes for a whole night and not drinking. Since it is Christmas night, there probably aren't bars open, so the bar will be open at my crib (and I'm pretty sure Grandma and Grandpa are getting me a bottle of Grey Goose, so there is that).

And Sunday, well, Sunday is going to be awesome. There is somewhere between 10 people and everyone I know going to the game on Sunday. It is a late afternoon start, which means a) more time to get over the previous night's hangover and b) an easier time drinking more prior to game time. Also, I took the liberty of not working on Monday, because I'm planning to go until my wife makes me stop. It should be epic. Oh, and there is going to be a great ass football game. I predict a really good crowd and a Packer win.

So being hung over/drunk for the next three days is in my future. Praise Jesus.

ALLEGED DOUBLE MURDER BOWL V


Now comes the time in the post where I stop being festive, and start getting serious. I've got some money to win this week. The White Broncos (11-4) are taking on Schmock's team (13-2). I handed Schmock a loss two weeks ago. But this time I've got some potentially serious injury issues. MoJo Drew is now being called a "game time decision", which fucking sucks because I'm going to the game and will be unable to change my lineup late. I may be forced to start Fred Jackson in his place. Schmock leads the all time series 6-4, but I'm currently favored by 8. MVP Aaron Rodgers v. former MVP Phillip Rivers and offensive player of the year Arian Foster. Winner becomes the first two-time winner of the league. The TV audience on TLC is expected to break records. The GooGoo Dolls are the halftime entertainment. Axl Rose is singing the national anthem.

But here is the deal. Schmock picked up MoJo's backup before I could get to him, so I'm serious now. I'm going to give a ridiculous pregame speech. I'm taking money out of Schmock's kid's mouth. I'm taking diaper money away. I'm just being real.


Merry Fuckin' Christmas boys and girls. Here's to hoping everyone gets the shit they want, pays their credit card bills on time, and eats and drinks way more than they should.

OJSFA Championship: Alleged Double-Murder Bowl IV

That is just a working title by the way. We could go with "Knife Bowl", "Stabbing Bowl", "Throat Slash Bowl", "Acquittal Bowl". I'm willing to take suggestions.

Anyway, this started out as a comment, but this really deserves its own post. I think what is fascinating about this matchup is the true hatred/homosexual tension between these two. The only other rivalries in this league with more latent homosexual tension are any games involving Duper.

From someone who knows both owners, they are basically the same person. Both drank themselves out of school early, and later returned. Both are assholes. Both drink (smoke?) too much. Both enjoy video games and long walks on the beach. Both are bachelors who are living the dream in their mid to late 20s. Both live in shitty college towns (River Falls and Oshkosh). Both pretty much do whatever the fuck they want whenever they feel like it. Both are my personal heroes.

This rivalry began in 1998 or 1999, at a small to mid-sized high school in Northeast Wisconsin when Bear decided for no good reason to pour nacho cheese sauce all over my brother's hot lunch. This led to a series of threatening phone calls from my dad to Bear, demanding that $1.10 for the lunch ticket. At some point, I believe at my wedding, Bear gave the lunch ticket to my dad. Fun was had by all.

Then Bear had to go pick up Shaun Alexander off of waivers, after Twinkie dropped him (Alexander was a top 5 pick and not yet completely useless), and trade him to my brother, only to have Alexander fall off a cliff and die. This did not make my brother happy. Then, last year, Bear traded my brother Tom Brady 45 seconds before he blew out his knee. And to rub it in his face, after my brother panicked and cut Brady, Bear picked him up, kept him, and he won his 2nd MVP in 3 years. So there is history.

Vegas has put Clown Baby as a 2 point favorite. 265 o/u.

I guess I hope my brother wins, because if he dies, in some sort of weird "I'm my own grandpa" circumstance, I could inherit that $250.

Tony Dungy: (Random Superlative)!

So now that the media fawning over Tony Dungy (aka the black Tim Tebow) is mostly finished, I thought I would take a shot at commenting on the commenting. Tony Dungy was a pretty good coach. He took a team with a hall of fame quarterback in the Colts, and a team with at least two hall of fame defensive players on it in the Bucs, and won a whole mess of regular season games. He also won a Super Bowl, which is not something alot of coaches can say, and he went to the playoffs like 10 years in a row, which I guess is a record. Dungy also seems to be a nice enough guy, respectful, mild mannered, all that. Finally, he was the first black coach to win a Super Bowl. He is a borderline hall of famer, but probably not a shoo-in like everyone makes him out to be. And that is one of the places that all of this fawning got a little out of control, and it always happens. Person A retires, media ignores every negative thing that every happened, therefore person A is the greatest person, and greatest player/coach ever.

As I said, Dungy has a legitimate claim to the HOF. But to give him a free pass is to ignore alot of his team's postseason failings.

The other thing I have a problem with is the talk about how Dungy is the greatest person on the face of the earth. Dungy is a man of god (allegedly), does charity work, says the right things, etc. But the general public doesn't know Tony Dungy, just as we didn't know Michael Vick, or O.J. Simpson (he didn't do anything), or Marvin Harrison (allegedly). So I don't know how it is automatically assumed that Dungy has no flaws because he goes to church and does some charity. You may remember, I believe during his Super Bowl run, that Tony was speaking on behalf of an anti-gay group. Yet you never hear this brought up in connection with how great of a person he is, yet in 2009, I'm pretty sure that hating gay people (Jesus says its wrong!) doesn't fall under the definition of "great person". I'm just saying that we don't know anything about Tony Dungy. He may very well be a great person. But he might be electrocuting dogs in h is spare time too. So lets relax on the greatest coach/greatest person of all time stuff.

A Message From the Commissioner

Can you smell it bitches? Can you smell it? We are a mere one day away from the pseudo-official start to fantasy football season!!!! The keeper portion of the 3rd annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association draft is set to begin tomorrow with the defending champions out of St. Paul, MN by way of Gilmanton, WI by way of the Water's Edge Bar being forced to select up to three players from his exceedingly subpar team. This is also the beginning of the end for the two expansion teams to our little league, as they see the "top 24" players come off the board before they are given an opportunity to fuck their teams up. Just out of curiosity, the list below shows the first 24 players selected last year (in no particular order, and not necessarily all keepers:

P. Manning
M. Jones-Drew
R. Bush
S. Alexander
D. Brees
L. Johnson
T. Brady
C. Palmer
W.McGahee
T. Holt
L. Maroney
J. Addai
R. Brown
F. Gore
S. Jackson
M. Harrison
C. Johnson
W. Parker
T. Henry
T. Owens
R. Johnson
S. Smith
B. Westbrook
LDT

You will notice a number of them could be called "terrible to average at best" and arguably in hindsight (I like that game!!) weren't worthy of being in the top 24. At least according to me, so I can't wait to hear a certain member of this blog bitch when I name some of his players. MJD, Bush, Alexander, Granmama, Palmer, McGahee, Maroney, Brown, Gore, Jackson, Harrison, Fast Willie, Henry, R. Johnson, Steve Smith. That makes FIFTEEN out of the 24 that if we all had the hindsight of how they would perform, would not have been picked that early. At the time, they were all pretty sure things, but due to injuries or death (Shaun Alexander) we might have wanted the pick back. I should also point out that even with last year, many of those picks should be upgraded to good because of the "keeper" status of our league. The MVP (Brady) and LVP (Harrison) both game in the top 24, and the Super Bowl MVP (McNabb) did not. I guess what I'm trying to say is the draft is an inexact science, and the fun starts tomorrow with the world's only 45 day long fantasy draft.

Updates and analysis will be frequent and scathing as I, the one man commissioner, supreme ruler, executioner and masturbater, flex my love muscle upon the rest of the league.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go organize my action figure collection and get ready for my D&D game tonight.

Peace.