"Docta Said I Need A Backeotomy"

---Sir Smokealot.

We are entering the time of year where there isn't going to be all that much for me to write about. Sure, I suppose I could write about the NFL playoffs, but unless something super funny happens, I don't really need to put you through a 1,203,451st post about what a piece of shit He Who Shall Not Be Named is. Although I suppose, you could witness my last few days (and probably the end of humanity as Satan swallows up the Earth when his prophecy is fulfilled) if He and His Viqueens win the Super Bowl. Let's just hope and assume that isn't going to happen. ANYWAYS, other than college basketball junk, which I love, but which doesn't typically give me that much to write about, there isn't much out there. Combine that with the fact that Uncle Sam and his archaic tax system forces everyone in America to file a tax return by April 15th (and that this system provides me with an excuse to stay employed, which provides me with free internet access for the other 9 months out of the year to post incessant ramblings on this site), and I will be actually "working" and not "pretending to work" (except during March Madness when I will be watching MMOD on my computer) there will be alot less of me in the coming months. Historically (last year) you can see that the number of posts in February and March is reduced dramatically. Here is the point. We allegedly have 3 other people and one other zoo animal that are able to post things on this here site. I don't mind carrying this team for 9 months out of the year ala Aaron Rodgers, but once in awhile I need someone else to make a play. I'm merely requesting that you each take like 10 minutes a week to put something of (time wasting and irrelevant) substance here. I will attempt to throw something up once a week or so, or more if something tickles my fancy (like NBA gun play, or Tiger chasing Wilt). Thank You.

THE WEEKEND

I have a "quintuple date" on Saturday consisting of my wife and I, and my four bosses and their spouses. It is going to be awful. I'm either going to miss a good portion of Colts/Ravens, or I am going be up until 4 am watching shit on the DVR (there is also UW/Ohio St. at 7, and CU/Wichita St at 4 on ESPN2 (why bother)). Not sure what to do yet. Maybe I will just get blacked out on margaritas.

SNOW VOLLEYBALL

Richard finally broke me down. Even though I went at least once in college and it was not memorable at all. I'm headed to La Crosse in a few weeks to get blacked out at the Alpine Inn while watching drunken assholes freeze thier asses of on a snow covered volleyball court, then attempt to navigate down the bluff without dying. Good thing the ice is frozen, or I would drown Richard in the Mississippi. The Unknown QB is also going. And also maybe everyone's favorite friend of my wife. Richard is totally going to bang her (or my brother will?) AGAIN.

NFL PICKS

This is the second best weekend in sports. First is the four day open to the NCAA Basketball Tournament. Hopefully nobody is taking these pretend bets and placing them for real.

Last Week: 1-3
Season: 114-117-4
All-Time: 248-243-6

NO (-7), Ind (-6.5), Min (-2.5), SD (-7.5)

Drinking for Pay

So I had a bit of a hiatus in the past few days. Today, well, I was fucking a) busy and b) despressed as fuck. More on that in a minute. First, I wanted to impart some knowledge. Last week, I went to a confrence for work that was out of town. On the first night of the conferece, they had a reception/cocktail hour thing. Also at this cocktail hour was an Intoxilyzer machine. And the scientists that go along with it. This machine is what is sitting at the police station/jail that you blow into to determine your blood alcohol content. This was the real thing, and not some fake ass handheld. I had never blown into one before, so I thought I would put it to the test. It was pretty interesting. I am normally one of those pussies that makes Bear drive home from the bars (regardless of how obviously fucked up he is), because I don't want to get an OWI. I've always sort of stuck to the "one drink an hour" theory if I knew I was driving home. I've occasionally strayed, but very infrequently. I had always been under the assumption that .08 was such a low standard of BAC that if you had a buzz, you would be over the limit, and shouldn't drive. I realize there are a number of variables that come into play here: 1)what you had to eat, etc. So don't think that everyone can run out and drink this and not get busted. I can tell you that night, I had a decent lunch around noon, and snacked on some hors d'ourves as I drank. The hors d'ourves were fairly robust, but I didn't eat until I was full. I was drinking bottles of Spotted Cow, which are fucking delicious. I am a svelte 6'0 210 lbs. 27 years old. I have a history of binge drinking dating back to about 1997, but have slowed down considerably in the past two years.

Here are the results of my various tests:

1) 2 1/2 drinks in 1 hour: .029
2) 4 drinks in 2 hours: .040
3) 5 1/2 drinks in 2.75 hours: .081

I found this interesting for a bunch of reasons. I was feeling it on test 1. It wasn't a hard buzz, but I could definitely tell I had been drinking. On test two, I had a pretty hard buzz on test 2, to the point were I certainly would not have driven, and I was only half the legal limit. On test three, I would call myself officially past buzzed, and into drunk territory, and I was finally over. The scientist dude (which I think was the same one from "Half Baked") told me that he would have put me at 6 drinks in 3 hours to get me legally drunk. He also figured that based upon mathematics and shit, I should be able to have 9 drinks in 6 hours (which is about the timing of a noon Packer game + tailgate). He also said something to the effect that each hour, your body removes approximately a .015 from your system by itself. Afterwards, I went and got TOTALLY fucked up in the small town this conference was in. The trip to and from the bar involved walking on railroad tracks. Drunken, pointless, life risks are awesome! With all of that said, I would never, ever, fucking have 6 beers in 3 hours and drive home.

PRODUCT REVIEW: Alka-Seltzer Wake-Up Call. I was nearing my deathbed when I woke up in the morning, and was supposed to go back to the conference. I felt like I would throw up everywhere. I popped two of these, and about 20 minutes later, I was eating donuts and drinking coffee and feeling great. I highly recommend it.

REMAINDER OF THE WEEKEND: The Pack just didn't take advantage of the Titans mistakes, and the Titans did. I'm not sure the better team won. Titans are good, but the Pack dropped 3 picks. I hate making excuses, but I going to anyway. Also, the NFL OT continues to suck dick. I think we take care of shit in Minnehaha this week.

P.S. Some assface called into the local sports talk show this morning to say that the Packers lost because He gave us "toughness" that we don't have any more and now we are doomed to suck forever. The caller was quickly hung up on, and it was followed with about 10 straight "that guy is a fucking moron" calls. FYI, yesterday He threw for 209, 0TD, 1INT. A-Rodg threw for 300+, 1TD, 1INT, fumble. I'll take A-Rodg. Not that it is a competition, but we don't win that game with Him at QB either (In fact we probably lose by more). But I wont' dwell.

The Badgers are horrid. They dominate the game in just about every facet, and still find a way to lose.

NBA: I'm batting 50% now in games that I've watched some or all of/games I didn't see a minute of. To be fair, yesterday's Bucks-Knicks game wasn't available on my Dish system, so I couldn't watch, so I'm going to change it to a tie. I am now 2-1-1.

OJSFA: My team slipped and fell in Ricky's tears and lost to Schmock badly. I just ran into a perfect storm of sucktitude. Things are getting interesting now with 6 teams within two games of each other for 4 playoff spots.