Morning Juice

It is that magical time again, where I try to make up a name for a series of random posts, and will use it for a week and then never use it again!

TODAY IN SMALL DASHES

-The Super Bowl was good, not great. Largest. Television. Audience. EVER? It is pretty fucking amazing that the record stood for 27 years (and M.A.S.H was not a good show). Why would this particular Super Bowl be first? Sort of confused. The commercials were subpar. I'm not really a huge fan of someone telling me that my mistress cannot have her fetus ripped from her womb, but that Tebow commercial was not a fucking big deal at all.

-Quick Movie Review: "The Happening" starring Mark Wahlberg and a bunch of random assholes. Premise was interesting (plants decide to kill humans by creating a neurotoxin that makes people kill themselves), but very poorly executed and kind of unrealistic (that oak tree is going to make me run myself over with a lawn mower?). The death scenes were pretty epic. Besides the lawn mower, there was the cop who shoots himself in the head, followed by people standing in line one after another picking up the gun and shooting themselves. I like most Wahlberg movies, but this one lacked a certain, I dunno, point. I guess there was no fucking point, and there was no explanation or rhyme or reason for the plants attacking. I give it a 2.5 out of 10 and would recommend it to nobody. It was truly terrible. Not the worst movie I've seen in the last six months. That would go to "The Express". The acting was so bad I had to shut it off. I'm not kidding.

-The Olympics are starting up this weekend. I'm sort of excited only because it will give me something to do while working 20 hours a day (exaggeration). I can keep track of luge results. The only shitty thing is that it is in the same basic time zone, so I'm not going to have Belarus v. Czech Republic hockey on at 8 a.m. to pretend to keep track of.

-Pitchers and catchers in like 10 days. Pumped to watch spring training scores update every 30 minutes at MLB.com while at work. I might decide an extended preview is in order.

-I placed a friendly wager on #9UW v. Illinois tonight. A six pack of beer on this one and the one in Campaign with this dude I work with that went to Illinois. I'm going to make him buy me two six packs of Stella Artois Nobilis. If I lose he's getting Natty Ice.

Super Bowl Party!! (In My Pants?) (AKA: The Danica Patrick Comment Hour)

I'm not doing anything special for the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is really one of those occasions (and let's be serious here, it should be a national holiday) where I actually like getting together with people that know nothing about football and talk through the entire game while I eat and drink 17,500 calories. I'm not sure why I don't care. I can't honestly remember the last time that I devoured a Super Bowl game play by play. I always watch, and pay attention, but when you are distracted by food and other people, you aren't really watching. Normally if nobody invites us anywhere, we have something ourselves. But I honestly don't feel like it, and the wife (who usually has the idea) didn't bring it up. So I will just eat 17,500 calories myself I guess.

OTHER SUPER BOWL ODDITIES:

-I don't hate the commercials. It is always kind of fun to see someone blow $40million on a random 30 second spot that I won't remember the next day.

-Lets be honest here. Danica Patrick is pretty attractive. I saw a clip of a GoDaddy commercial that is an 80's spoof. She looks pretty alright.

-NFL Network is starting its pregame at 8 a.m. This year I just haven't had any time to watch more than like 10 minutes of SportsCenter a morning, and no NFL Network. I kind of miss watching it. That being said, I'm pretty certain I will find something better to do for 9 hours.

-The Who is old as shit. But they are a band where most people couldn't name 3 songs they sang, but when you hear it you say "The Who sings that?". They are pretty fucking good. But I bet they will suck balls Sunday.

-FAKE BETTING: Colts (-4.5), Under 56.5, Over 2.5 times showing Kim Kardashian, Over 300.5 passing yards for Manning, Under 3 times showing Eli, Over 4 times showing Archie

I Would Do the Avatar Chick

Before I begin let me ask Juice, and all those who comment, to please advise ahead of time if you are spoiling what's happening on "Lost." I, too, am a big fan of the show but am about a season behind and watch the show thanks to NetFlix. I skipped your whole first paragraph.

Just got back from watching "Avatar." Pretty good movie, not great. But watching it in 3D is fucking mint. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it but think "Dances With Wolves" meets "Titanic" about 200 years from now. There are no surprises in this movie and I can't quite figure out how the critics used at Yahoo! gave this movie an "A". But, I will say this, I don't normally give a shit if I first see a movie in the theaters or at home (see "Dark Knight") but the 3D experience makes it worth the small fortune it costs to see it. (Note - the g/f thought it was great but admittedly is the type of person who gets convinced to buy something due to their commercials).

The sports betting is still ongoing but I'm running out of steam. I have about $150 remaining but I pretty much bet and don't know if I win or not until the next day.

Speaking of betting, I will be going back to Vegas again this year, probably around the time we were there a few months ago. So, ladies, start saving and get permission from your wives again. I also thought of a brilliant plan for 24 hour sports betting. I am a huge tennis fan, thus I am a huge Australian Open fan. Melbourne is about 17 hours ahead of our time in the US which means matches are ongoing when everyone is sleeping. Someday I will be in Vegas for this event and will be betting on tennis matches. When those are over the horse races will be close to starting. Perfect.

My Brain Has Been Violated

I watched the two hour "Lost" premier last night. "Lost" is probably my favorite show, or at least it is in the conversation. It is like watching a movie every week. It is generally amazing. But I am just completely lost on Lost. I just have no idea what the fuck is going on, or what is supposed to be going on, or what is going to happen next. It is just a lot of work to watch the show, even though the two hours went by in what felt like 15 minutes. Has my brain been turned to mush? Shouldn't I appreciate a show that isn't made for total idiots? (See 98% of America?). I guess I'm just frustrated because I know this is the last season and I'm supposed to be getting "answers" to the "questions". I'm just not sure I know what the questions are, or how the answers could possibly satisfy me. The whole two hours last night just seemed like one random occurrence after another, all of which made me say "What the fuck?". I'm not going to give anything away because some may have chosen to DVR, but in one episode we have dealt with: time travel, possible alternate realities, talking to dead people, seeing dead people, Christ figures, raising the dead and transferring of souls. I have this uneasy feeling that we are on a runaway train that is going to come to an abrupt, unsatisfying stop. I don't see any way that the finale isn't going to leave me disappointed. My brain was raped last night. I'm sure my brother has some fascinating theories because he is alot smarter about these kinds of things than I am.

I missed out on one of the best Badger performances ever, the ass kicking of Michigan St. This was mostly due to my decision that the "Lost" premier was slightly more important in the grand scheme of things. That, and by the time I caught up to lost in real time, our fucking DVR was also recording "Teen Mom" (seriously). I followed the score on my BlackBerry, but I missed out. Impressive win though. When Leuer comes back, I would not want to play Bucky.

ONE OTHER RANDOM THOUGHT

I've heard that the NCAA is more than seriously considering expanding the basketball tourney to 96 teams, and spreading out coverage to cable as well. I'm really not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, if it ain't broke don't fix it. I think it is perfect right now. On the other hand, you can't ever have too much of a good thing. I fear it will turn getting to the "Big Dance" into making a "Bowl Game". Unless you really suck balls, you would get in. I guess it would allow more teams to win, but unless they place some kind of rules on qualification (nobody under .500 in conference unless you are a conference champion) then what is the point? Is it just an excuse to make sure that a shitty UNC team can go 7-9 in a pretty tough ACC and get in? Or is it to not fuck over deserving mid-majors that win 25 games and get left out? I'm leaning towards staying the course (except for changing the play-in game to be for a 12 seed between the last two in) until I see some other details. Also, how strange would the tourney on TNT be???

Mel Gibson, Pro Bowl, Grammys, Madden '10

The weekend that didn't involve getting blacked out in La Crosse (please provide me with details), but that did involve copious amounts of time sitting around by myself when I could have been drinking, separated by paragraphs.

MOVIE REVIEW

Saw "The Edge of Darkness" starring 90-year old, alcoholic, anti-Semite, Mel Gibson. It was pretty awesome. In 2010, I've decided to go with a 10 point system to rank the 4 movies I'm going to see. I would give it a 7.5 out of 10, which is solid but not spectacular.

MADDEN '10

I had a lot of spare time on my hands so I decided to see if I could simulate to the end of Franchise mode on Madden. I didn't get anywhere close (I'm not actually sure where it ends). I'm not sure what the point of this is other than I needed an excuse to say that after I shitcanned Mike McCarthy after 15 seasons, 11 playoff appearances, and one Super Bowl title, the next three coaches were: Walter Jones (6 seasons, 1 playoff), Asante Samuel (3 seasons, 0 playoffs) and Brandon Jacobs (in first season). I always think it is funny to see which former players get put in the coaching ranks.

PRO BOWL/GRAMMYS

Not sure which was more lacking. The lack of interest of the Pro Bowlers in "blocking" and "tackling" or the lack of giving a shit about not swearing by Drake, Eminem and Lil' Wayne during their performance.

I like swearing and flipping a middle finger to CBS/FCC as much as the next guy, but when you do a 4 minute performance and 2 minutes 30 seconds is sporadic silence due to editing, it gets a little annoying.

I personally have no problem with the Pro Bowlers not giving a shit. I want to personally thank Mario Williams for not killing A-Rodg when he went unblocked into the backfield. I want to say fuck you to Vincent Jackson for blindsiding Clay Matthews and nearly killing him on a block.

Also, nobody told me I was going to need 3D glasses for the Michael Jackson tribute at the Grammys. So I got blurry Carrie Underwood instead of 3D Carrie Underwood. Not cool.

Please return to not having your time wasted.

Piling On Day 5

I knew something didn't seem right about Chilly.

If They Only Knew

I had a really funny thought as I was pulling into my parking stall at work today. What if for some reason, one of my bosses decided to go into my coat pocket and pull out my iPod? And they looked at the screen and it said "Thug Love"--Bone Thugs feat. 2Pac--Art of War. (Sound of shotgun cocking). What kind of reaction would that garner? I have a feeling they would either look at my neon whiteness and laugh. Or possibly realize that I don't "fit in" and make up some bullshit economic excuse to can me. Or, more likely, cower in fear around me and shield their daughters.

As an aside to an aside, I watched "Archer" on FX last night. I saw two episodes. It was sort of funny. Not laugh out loud mostly, but I would give it another chance. For those who aren't aware it is another adult cartoon, containing partial cartoon nudity and crude language. The story line revolves around the characters being spies at a MI-6-type agency. As an example of a story line, two of the male spies were fighting in the locker room and their penises touched (not in "camera" view.) and there were all sorts of gay jokes. Since Sports Bottles whole life is one big gay joke, he would like it. My wife will be pretty happy if it ends up making the DVR list along with South Park and Family Guy. I give it a 3 out of 5, but I would probably watch it if I was bored and stumbled across it again.

Food and Beer Reviews

Not much sports wise to talk about unless we want to discuss A-Rodg starting in the Pro Bowl. And everyone being pissed that the Pro Bowl is this week. So everyone knows, I am no longer going to La Crosse this weekend (barring some sort of miraculous development) so that I can watch the Pro Bowl. #12 UW plays at #11 Purdue tonight, but I have work obligations, and a DVR schedule full of crappy women shows, so I'm going to miss it likely in its entirety. I've got Purdue by double digits. I have no basis for this opinion. CU (11-10, 6-4) somehow won a road game last night against a not crappy Bradley team. This raises CU's NCAA chances to 0% up from -4%.

FOOD

Last night the wife was working extremely late, which gave me the green light to eat something bad for me because I'm far too lazy to cook for just myself, and the quick options were unappealing at best. I went with a Buffalo Chicken Oven Baked Sandwich from Domino's. I enjoy the bread bowl pasta, but I am sort of watching my figure, so I couldn't withstand the 1,500 calories for one of them. The Oven Baked Sandwich isn't that bad calorie-wise, but only because it isn't that big. It filled me up (in that I just ate some really greasy ass food and feel like I'm going to die sort of way, which is what I was looking for). I could have eaten more probably, but would've been out of commission afterwards if I did. It was pretty fucking delicious. And it was $4.99. If you like veggies, this isn't the type of sandwich for you. If you don't like your "bread" (which is really made of pizza dough and is fucking delicious) painted with garlic butter, you should stick to Subway. But if you like sandwiches that are tasty as shit, and probably won't give you an instant clogged artery as long as you eat only one, then this is the sandwich for you. I'm giving it 4 out of 5 stars.

BEER

Tried the newest sampling from New Glarus Brewery. I'm not really sure what it is called. The neck label says "Honey Bock". The other label says "Cabin Fever". I think they are one in the same. Either way, it is not what I was expecting. When I hear Bock, I think of a dark beer. This is definitely not that. It is a sweeter version of Honey Weiss, if Honey Weiss was a light beer. It is very good, I would have no trouble drinking the six pack, and I would get it again, but it was sort of false advertising. I would put it somewhere in the neighborhood just south of "Spotted Cow" on my favorite New Glarus scale. It is about as good as "Organic Revolution" or "Totally Naked". Good but not great. I'm going 3.5 out of 5. I would recommend trying it.

Piling On Day 2

HAH!

Piling On

Paul Allen. Now not my least favorite announcer. Scroll down near the bottom.

Some Kind of VooDoo

WOW. That was insane. I can promise you that I've never been that into a non-Packer game in my entire life. I was a mess. I was sweaty. I was screaming. I've never been that happy for a non-Packer team to win a game, ever. I've got issues. But those issues have been resolved. That demon has been exercised (at least until August when He decides he is going to show up at Packer training camp and wants to play for the Packers again).

When you really think about how that game played out, there could not have been a more perfect ending. He has possibly ended (doubtful) His career in Minnesota, the same way He ended it in Green Bay. With an ill-advised, back breaking interception, with a chance to go to the Super Bowl. That pass (along with: Philly, NYG and about 100 others) was a microcosm of His career, especially in the last 10 years, and especially in the playoffs. This is what He does. This is who He is.

I've always been a big believer in karma. Here is a karmic scoreboard.

GOOD: Saints fans/City of New Orleans/New Orleans residents/displaced Katrina victims. Congrats. Well deserved. If anyone deserved something good after 43 years of shit, and that hurricane, it was you.

GOOD: Drew Brees. I like him.

BAD: He Who Shall Not Be Named/Deanna/Chilly/The Minnesota Vikings Organization/every asshole He Who Shall Not Be Named-former Packer fan: I hate to say I told you so. But I fucking told you so. Good things come to good people. I'm not going to sit here and say that Chilly doesn't help old ladies cross the street or whatever. And I don't necessarily blame him for going out and getting Him. He is a lot better than Travarioueiause. Chilly got himself a nice contract extension and it nearly worked. BUT, Chilly absolutely sold the fuck out, forgot his values by letting Him run the show to placate His enormous ego, and probably lost respect for his team in the process. And Chilly ignored the fact that He has a long glorious history of doing exactly what He did yesterday. He saved the worst for last. He was a stud all year, and played His worst game when it mattered most. Did he play an overall horrendous game? It is hard to put all the blame on Him, and He did what he does in dragging His bad leg out onto the field after getting destroyed by the blitz. But He has the ability to destroy it all with one bad pass. And He did it again.

The Vikings as an organization fall into the same category as Chilly. You let Him run the show, and He burned you.

Deanna, I just don't like you at all.

He deserved every potentially dirty hit He got, and deserved to lose in the most soul crushing way possible. If you are an asshole to the people that loved you, the universe will punish you. You just cannot get away with doing what He did. Also, congrats on getting that "ankle injury" so you have an excuse to not go to training camp again.

To the former Packer fans who didn't root like hell for the Saints. You are not welcomed back. Your punishment is having to root for dry weather when He is sitting on His tractor. The worst kind of Karma is coming.

NEUTRAL: To true Viking fans.

I actually feel a bit sorry for you in that it has to be getting old to lose this way. At the same time, that is what you get for hitching your horse to Our old wagon. And kind of being pricks about it. How do you feel about that $90 investment in a He Who Shall Not Be Named Viking jersey now bitches?

The Saints are my adopted second team. And should be the rest of America's team too after finally killing the beast (maybe?)

We Can Only Hope

From Yahoo! See! I'm not the only one!