What a Bust

Went on a Brewer bus trip yesterday and it was disappointing to say the least. The Crew lost, which sucks. I knew only 4 other people on the bus, and none of them got drunk, which made my desire to get drunk awkward and pointless. The people that I didn't know were all in their late 30's, early 40's, and were white trash. On the bright side, at least I don't have to pretend to be interested in soccer anymore. Although, I did find it very interesting that the U.S.-Ghana game was on all of the TVs in the Miller Park concourse. Miller Park is still the best stadium I've been to as far as the overall experience when you take tailgating festivities into account. This post was rambling and incoherent.

In other news, five straight wins does not a playoff team make. I still believe the worst possible thing that could happen is for the Brewers to go like 15-5 in their next 20, get to about 6 back, and think they have a shot. They don't.

OJSFA draft, the 5th annual, and the longest draft in sports, begins in earnest next weekend with the keeper portion. Bear has the honor of starting.

I swear I'm not on LSD. This was an absolute waste of a post.

OJSFA Playoff Previews!

RIP Billie Jean (8-6) at Jolly Pharmaceuticals (9-5)

One of these teams will become the first team to get to its second championship. The other will be ridiculed. Twinkie (alleged Bastard) v. Bear (definitely sometime Bastard)

History: Series tied 4-4
Playoff History: Billie Jean leads 1-0
Recent History: Billie Jean won both meetings
Key Players: Billie Jean: WR duo of Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald; Jolly: MVP QB Tom Brady
Odds: Billie Jean by 7 1/2, O/U 262.5

Faribault Frauleins (8-6) at Clown Baby (9-5)

Loaf Cobra, a dude who used to blog on this site and who's name appears to the left, has defied the odds and made the playoffs in his franchise's second year. He's playing by brother, the Unknown QB.

History: Series tied 1-1
Playoff History: None
Recent History: Faribault won the only meeting this season. By 67 points.
Key Players: Clown Baby RB Chris Johnson; Faribault has RB Ray Rice
Odds: Clown Baby by 1, O/U 280.5

Karl Malone Has Nothing On Me

I thoroughly and completely mail it in every single Friday afternoon. I came in this morning with good intentions. I really did. In fact, I was here by 6:45 am because I was a bit stressed because I had been at a seminar for the past two days. I came to work with a pile of mail and a pile of phone messages to respond to. I plowed through most of that before lunch. Got the important stuff done. And then I ate lunch. And, like every other Friday, I completely lost any desire to do anything.

Not that I typically have much desire to do anything, but by about 2 on every Friday, my brain is toast, I am physically tired, I am looking forward to whatever I'm doing this weekend, and the bosses are sneaking out the back door to begin their weekends.

Also, I occasionally get a random Blackberry messages from my brother that have pictures of a 4-pack of Sparks attached to them at 3:30 pm. I still have no clue why he sent me this picture like 8 minutes ago.

All of this makes it even HARDER to work on Friday. I just surf the web, stare at the clock and try to pretend I'm busy because I sort of need a job in order to make money in order to pay bills.

Friday afternoons were created by Satan (Bear) himself.

Televised Gambling

So I semi-accidentally got sucked into watching the pseudo-live final table for the World Series of Poker last night. Basically, I knew it was on, and probably wouldn't have watched it, but there was a lack of anything else on, and once I started in I was transfixed and couldn't shut it off.

I had a few problems with it:

1) I fucking HATE Phil Ivey. It dates back to 2005, Las Vegas, Spearmint Rhino. When he was too good to "let us" talk to him in the VIP area. He big timed us. He is a C or D list celebrity at best. He is essentially less famous than a reality show star, but has some skills at playing poker. 99.9% of America would not recognize him on the street. I'm not at all disputing that he is a really good poker player. But my impression of him 4 years ago is that he is a dick.

He was at the final table and took 7th. He only won $1.4 million for his troubles.

2) There were approximately 2,000 spectators, that very likely paid money to watch people play poker from 300 feet away. Poker is pretty fucking boring if you are AT the table. These people couldn't see any of the hold cards like we can at home, so they were watching people make bets only knowing half the hand. And people were going nuts. It was weird to watch.

Some cockhead 21 year old from Michigan with a large cheering contingent won. He got $.84 million dollars. For playing poker.

It's Alive!

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I necessarily missed Loaf Cobra. I mean, he is a helluva guy, and I guess I did miss his geometry teacher/possible drug addict sense of humor. What I did NOT miss, was having to waste our precious Internets space on shit about Minnesota, that didn't involve shitting on their streets, banging their women, or nuking it off the map. I just looked at the "tags" on the site, and I notice that there were 50 articles tagged with "Green Bay Packers" and ONE tagged "Minnesota Vikings". I don't think it was any coincidence that Loaf Cobra was in rehab for the past six months and didn't have Internet access. So welcome back. And I hope Tubby leaves you high and dry and takes his ridiculous athletes with him so Bo can get back to pillaging the Minnesota for its "talent".

Worthless, Uninformed and Biased Thoughts

-It is snowing like fucking crazy, and one of my asshole neighbors is outside shoveling it, as it piles up behind him.

-The Jays are currently down 11-3 to Witchita St., who isn't very good.

-Went to dinner last night and I see one of my neighbors, she says hi, then a dude who I think is her husband is walking behind her and I say hi, and he looks at me like I'm retarded. Turns out it was my neighbor's twin brother.

-I built a shelf in the basement today. I give it a week before it falls over.

-I wish I could hire Gus Johnson to announce my bedroom performance. How much do you think he charges for 30 seconds?

-Wow. The UCLA cheerleaders are hot.

-I bet Sports Bottle is being a bitch and is hung over and not drinking right now. Worm is sleeping. Spensley is blacked out drunk, and is either wandering around by himself, or is in jail.

-I signed Kobe as a free agent on NBA 2k9 to the Bucks.

-Kinda surprised Chucky got shitcanned in Tampa. The Glazer family better watch the fuck out. Chucky never dies!

-Clemson starts out 17-0 every year, then goes 2-13 the rest of the year and goes to the NIT.

TV REVIEWS:

-24: rad. The biggest problem I am having is with Jenine Garraffalo (and I'm quite sure I didn't spell it right, but I don't give a fuck). I can't take her seriously. She is a terrible actress. When is President David Palmer coming back from the dead? He is about the only one that hasn't. He is the biggest badass is TV presidential history.

-FNL: pretty good first episode. I was positive that Lila was a senior last year, but I guess 25 year old seniors are plausible. I guess it is also plausible that Buddy Garrity is trying to get a fucking HD jumbotron built at a high school field in bum-fuck Texas. Or that a high school freshman could possibly be better than a high school senior, who was last year's starter. Best line of the week: "You are a rebound guy from Jesus."

-The Office: great as usual. Line of the week: "Guys fight over me all the time. Usually it is over who gets to hold the camcorder."

BOOK REVIEW:

-"Men With Balls" by Drew Magery. Pretty funny book. Written as a handbook to prospective pro athletes. I would recommend it.

-I am starting to read "Downtown Owl" by Chuck Klosterman. This is his first fiction book. His other ones are spectacular.

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME PICKS:

Last Week: 1-3

Playoffs: 4-4

Season: 132-125-7

This Week: Ariz (+3 1/2), Pit (-6)

Just Another Weekend

-Spent last night accidentally getting super hammered at two of my wife's family weddings. In the first five minutes I was at the big one, I saw no fewer than 20 people that I hadn't seen since high school graduation, which would make about 20 that I never particularly cared to see either. I did run into one friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in a few years, so that was alright I guess. Typical hometown wedding, with the same people you would see in the local tavern on any night of the week. The hoochies and the fucktards chasing them. Always makes me feel good that my life is normal in comparison. The night ended with a $30 cab ride which is fucking fascist.

-Stroked a 55 in my second golf round of the year. I am not a particularly good golfer.

-Prince Fielder can hit a ball really, really far.

Pop Culture Interlude

For weeks now, I've been telling people that they need to watch The Real World. There has been a running subplot that has gone on e for two episodes that I haven't been able to delve into yet. The insanity hurts my brain. There is a black dude with dreds on the show who has appeared in at least 7 different colors of shirts that have "Michigan State" across the chest in standard block lettering.

Red
Blue
Pink
Orange
Powder Blue
Purple
Black

This has driven me absolutely insane, because he doesn't wear anything else, and every time they show him, he has a different one on. I don't know where he gets them, but I am going to burn down that store. End of rant.

-My guess is that I will last until the third quarter of the NBA finals game that will end at midnight.

A Riveting Hour of Television

I'm not really sure what just happened, but I got sucked into "The Price Is Right $1,000,000 Extravaganza" tonight. The contestants on that show never cease to amaze me. Each one is more insane than the next. Some are obviously hopped up on pain killers, others considerably less straight than others. Also, they still have the same rickety ass games that they've had since like the mid 50's when Bob Barker was drunk and banging "Barker's beauties" during commercial breaks. Drew Carey kind of sucks as the host, but the contestants keep it together.

First, some hot (for a Price Is Right Contestant) won a $65,000 Corvette convertible by guessing that the last number in the price was a 4. And it wasn't one of those games where she had a 50/50 chance. She had to pick a number between 0-9 and she needed to be exactly right. So that got a loud cheer in the Juice household. Oh and she was allegedly in college and had a shirt on that said "Drew is gorges"...and I didn't misspell her shirt, that was how it was spelled.

Later, this incredibly, incredibly homosexual dude (who had a kid somehow, and was a preschool teacher) won the wheel spinning deal and went up against the Corvette chick in the Showcase showdown. Chick had to bid on some iPod shit, a flat screen and a Hybrid Ford Explorer and bid $45k and change. Gay dude had to bid on three female swimsuits(!!), a catamaran, and a Cadillac convertible. He bid $83k and change. Our immediate reaction was that he overbid by about 20 grand and the bitch that had already won the 'vette was going to get another car. Her showcase was up first, and she was like $2400 off, which is incredibly solid, especially since he was obviously over. Even Drew Carey was laughing at how high the guys bid was. Then he looked at the gay dudes total and he was $880 off.....Which means that not only did he win his showcase, but he won hers too, AND since it was the million dollar extravaganza, he won a million fucking clams too. We rewound our TV twice to see his reaction, it was priceless. It gave me chills.

The lesson as always, is everyone is Hollywood is gay, and all you have to do to be a millionaire is wait in line for 10 hours to get on a game show and know how much shit costs.

Is the Glass half empty?

I had even more time to waste than normal today, so I figured I would use it to participate in my favorite activity as of late: bitching about the Brewers and their current slump.

I made the mistake of heading over to Baseball-Reference.com today (seriously, it is the best site ever, so unless you have like 6 hours to blow, don't do it) and thought it would be interesting to do a study on how good statistically these Brewers "stars" really are compared to others historically at the same point in their careers:

1B: Prince Fielder
- Most Similar By Age: Don Hurst, 1B, Phi.: Career Stats: .298, 115 HR, 610 RBI
-Other Impressive Comparisons at same age: Lou Gehrig, Willie McCovey, Hank Greenberg, Willie Mays, Eddie Murray (all HOF's!!!)
-Impression: Hopefully he ends up better than who ever the fuck Don Hurst is. The other names on that list look good. Too bad it will likely be in another uni.

2B: Rickie Weeks
-Most Similar by Age: Denis Menke, Utility player from 1960's: .250, 101 HR, 606 RBI
-Other Impressive: Dale Svuem (!), Jeff Blauser (!), Shawon Dunston
-Verdict: Pretty much.

SS: J.J. Hardy
-Most Similar: Jim Lefebrve, 2B, LAD: .251, 71 HR, 404 RBI
-Others: Rich Gedman, Jeff Blauser (!), Dave Nilsson (!!!!), Rickie Weeks (!!!!!!!!!!)
-Verdict: They should probably think twice before giving him any money.

3B: Billy Hall
-Most Similar: Kahlil Green (active), Fernando Tatis (historically): .260, 94HR, 327 RBI
-Others: Rich Gedman, Matt Nokes, Miguel Tejada, Gabby Hartnett, Marcus Giles
-Verdict: Mixed bag. Tejada is pretty good, that Hartnett guy was in the HOF I guess. I think his one good year inflates this a little.

LF: Ryan Bruan
-Hasn't played in enough games yet. I think he's got potential to be amazing. Still does things like hit 500 ft pop ups straight up with the bases loaded and one out like last night.

RF: Corey Hart
-Most Similar: Bill Nicholson, OF, 1940's: .268, 235 HR, 948 RBI
-Others: Ivan Calderon, Jim Edmonds, Matt Holliday, David Justice, Tim Salmon
-Verdict: That looks like a pretty solid list. He's worth it, and the only one on the team that hits over .300

P: Yovani Gallardo
-Most Similar: Tom Morgan, 1950's: 67-47, 3.41 ERA, 1.31 WHIP, 64 SV
-Others: Blue Moon Odom, Oyster Burns, Johnny Kucks
-Verdict: I have no fucking idea what that list means. He has only pitched about a half a year, and most pitchers aren't in the league at age 21, so I am dubious.

P: Big Ben
-Most Similar: Reggie Cleveland, 1970's: 105-106, 4.01 ERA, 1.32 WHIP, 25 SV
-Others: Brad Penny, John Lackey, Melido Perez, Pete Harnisch, Daryl Kyle (RIP)
-Verdict: I don't like this list at all. Isn't Reggie Cleveland the guy from Bill Simmon's Reggie Cleveland All-Stars?

This was an absolute waste of time as you can see. Although it was kind of interesting. Clearly Fielder has the best comparables at his age. He was the only one that was that impressive. It doesn't really matter what they do with the roster as long as Neddy has that gigantic collection of naked pictures of Attanasio and Melvin's underage daughters.

A Call to Arms

It has come to my attention that nobody else really posts anything on this blog. I realize that I probably have more flexibility (at least right now) at my job to waste time doing this stuff than most. I have no idea what Bear and Loaf Cobra actually do for a living. I do doubt however that they are so busy curing AIDS, or making trips to Africa to stop the spread of hunger, that they can't take 5 minutes a day (or every other day), to throw something up. I feel like somehow this is morphing into my own personal blog, which isn't a very good one. And I'm lonely.

If I was a newspaper writer, my next quote would be: "So put down the box of Froot Loops, hit pause on "Battlestar Galactica", and rearrange yourself on the couch in your mothers basement and write something."

But I'm not. So I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

PS. I love you both.

Brewers v. Cubs Series Preview

I don't normally like to do this, but Brewers/Cubs holds special significance in that I want to punch random people on the streets in the face when I see they are wearing Cubs gear. It frustrates me to no end that there are so many bandwagon fucking Cubs fans in Wisconsin, and nobody can give me a good reason for it.

Wrigley is also a pile of shit. There. I said it.

GAME 1: Sheets v. Marquis: The return of Sheets from the DL and Cameron from the SL (steroids list). Sheets has been ridiculous this year (0.97 ERA) and I don't see any reason the Crew shouldn't win when he pitches.

GAME 2: Soup v. Dempster: No way the Brewers sweep (in fact I would be thrilled with 2 of 3), so Cubs win this one.

GAME 3: Yo v. Hill: Gallardo has been more ridiculous than Sheets in his two starts (0.64 ERA). He is probably nearly as good as Sheets when both are on their game.

There it is, Crew takes 2 of 3. Place your bets now. (Note: This only applies if my plot to kidnap Yost and replace him with a blowup doll succeeds.)

A gaping, smelly void in my life

No Brewer game. At least it will be stress free.

Oh, and just so our zero readers know, I pretty much hate everything that doesn't involve one of my teams. So don't expect me to say anything good about them.

Speaking of gaping smelly voids: Did you hear about Clemens banging that 15 year old (allegedly)?