R.I.P. Our Friend Mark

Weddings are a magical time. A time when love between a man and a woman (or a man and a man or woman and women, but definitely not between a man and a llama) is solemnized in front of (Sports Bottle's) god for all of time (or until the bitch cheats). It tends to get dusty at weddings (fuck you guys) as well. But mostly, if you aren't the one getting married, it is a time to put on a tux, stand in place for an hour in a hot ass church, and look at your watch every 14 seconds and ask yourself "Is this shit almost over yet? Fuck! I'm thirsty and I know there is a couple of cases of beer in that bus in the parking lot." It is also a time to check the score of the Badger game every 3 minutes on your BlackBerry. It is a time to eat family style broasted chicken when you are super ass drunk. It is a time to get blacked out while Richard gets his third wind, requests "Billie Jean" and dances his face off. And finally, it is a time to mourn the death of a good friend. So if you aren't at the wedding (or if you are) at around 2 p.m., I would ask you to pour out some of that 40 oz for Mark. It was nice to know you.

MORE VEGAS

In response to my brother's semi-monthly post. Sorry about the date switch, wish you could be there. Sports Bottle takes full blame for this because he had 7 other vacations to squeeze in and plan around, and I guess this works better. I hope you really did send me that check. I might toss a few bucks on the under for Bucks wins as well. I bet the O/U is like 35. Also, sign up for Fantasy Basketball you fuck. I don't care if you ever check your roster, but we are stuck at 7 right now and need an even number. Fucking Jeff Higgins. Goddamn was that awesome. But I seriously hope we don't run into him. 5 days, 22 hours until takeoff.

PICKS

Last Week: 8-6
Season: 41-35
All-Time: 175-161-8

Cin (-5), Det (+14), Min (-3), NYG (+3), Pit (-15), Car (-3), Was (-7), Jax (-10), Ari (+3), Phi (-15), NE (-10), NYJ (-10), Atl (-3), SD (-4)

A few comments on the lines. Didn't Jacksonville just lose 41-0 last week? How the fuck are they favored by 10 over anybody???? And yet I picked them because the Rams are that bad. Also, that Philly over Oakland line could be 30 and I would probably take it.

Green Bay wins 34-24. I don't think the Lions are that bad. They've looked feisty this year. But if Megatron is out, I don't see any way they beat us. I figure they will get a TD on special teams, and BF Culpepper will run one in. A-Rodg should have a big day despite getting sacked 9 times. Grant doesn't make to the sidelines until the middle of the second quarter because he falls down every 2.9 yards trying to walk from the locker room to the sidelines. B-Jax makes a good debut in his place averaging like 5 yds a carry and getting 6 catches out of the backfield, but McCarthy then promptly benches him for Grant with no rhyme or reason.

I think (#22)Bucky eeks one out v. (#2)Iowa for some reason. It is a good rivalry game, and always close regardless of record. I'm seeing 21-20 for some reason.

OJSFA Week 6 Preview

Man, I hate when I get raped like I did last week. It is a good thing I only have to wait a week to get my revenge on Twinkie. And NOT, I repeat NOT, in fantasy football.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Schmock's Team (3-2) v. Faribault Frauleins (Loaf Cobra) (3-2)

Schmock continues to be undefeated against any team not named after a vehicle used by O.J. Simpson (driven by A.C. DAMMIT!) to escape police in 1994. The Frauleins continue to win despite really not having a very good team on paper. Perhaps I should pay more attention to paper.

Line: Schmock by 8
History: Frauleins lead 2-0

OTHER GAMES:

The White Broncos (Juicelaw)(3-2) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (Mark)(2-3)

Mark will be dead before this game starts. Will his team respond? That is the real question here. By the way, Mark has already doubled his all-time win total in 5 games this season.

Line: Broncos by 21 1/2
History: Broncos lead 2-0

Clown Baby (2-3) v. Heywood Jablome (Sports Bottle)(3-2)

Mike Sims-Walker single handedly knocked Sports Bottle out of first place last week. To fix that problem, he spent $746 (approximately) of the $100 we had to spend on waiver claims for a QB that threw 4 TDs against Jacksonville, which might be the worst defense not named St. Louis in the league. His name is Matt Hasslebeck and if his back doesn't fall off this week, he may actually have a good game.

Line: Heywood by 24
History: Tied 4-4

RIP Billie Jean (Twinkie) (5-0) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (Richard) (1-4)

Twinkie continues to roll. Ricky continues to shit himself every week. Only reason this wasn't the worst game is that luck should count for something, and Twinkie has plenty of that.

Line: Billie Jean by 33
History: A-Rodg leads 3-2

SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK:

Marino for Prez (Duper) (2-3) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (Bear)(1-4)

Bear's team sucks. Even on paper. Roddy White catching 8 TD passes last week couldn't get him a win.

Line: Marino by 5
History: Tied 1-1

Do not Fuck with Lebron

I think this should be a lesson to anyone living in the greater Cleveland metro area, hell the whole state of Ohio, oh hell the entire country. DO... NOT... FUCK... WITH... LEBRON... JAMES

Seriously, they will ship your ass out in a cardboard box, with no air holes punched in it, for less than the value of said cardboard box. Not that Edwards was any sort of must keep on your team, must put up with any of his bullshit type of player, he was definitely expendable if he became a problem player, but wow that was quick.

I'm dead serious here people, I'm tempted to go up and sock Lebron in the face and see how quickly they decide that since the majority of my ancestors were German, they should just deport my ass back to Deutschland.