Happy Maddenoliday!!

After work today, I am returning from a one year College Football hiatus to stop over at the local Best Buy in my suit and tie to pick up Madden '10. I could NOT be more excited. Every five years or so, I do something crazy like last year and buy College Football instead. Inevitably, I regret that decision because Madden is the best game to come out every single year some how. I fully look forward to playing until about midnight tonight while my wife runs around cleaning the house for weekend guests.

I don't know about anyone else, but whenever I buy a video game, I feel embarrassed. A lot like I would feel if I was buying porn or something. I feel the same way buying a fantasy football magazine. I have no clue why. I bet if we took a poll of 28 year old males, well over 50% did at least one of the two. Yet, I always feel like the 19 year old working at Best Buy thinks I'm some kind of asshole that lives in his parent's basement. I don't know why I care. At the end of the day, I could avoid the "embarrassment" by ordering it online or something. But quite frankly, I'm not willing to wait an extra two days to get the game.

Every time I get the game, I sit down and immediately start a franchise with the Packers, and play every game the first season. I'll let you know how it goes. By the way, the "Maddenoliday" ads from a few years back were ingenious.

Anyways, the one downside to this whole experience is that I have a job and I have to wait until 5 to get it (my brother in I actually waited at midnight with the unwashed masses once).

Another big downside is that those assholes at EA decided to be selfish pricks and put the game out the night of the Steelers-Cardinals rematch, when coincidentally, Fitty and Polamalu were on the cover so they could run ads during the whole game. This was the biggest non-coincidence EVER. But what makes it a downside is that for the first time I can ever remember, the game is coming out on a Friday instead of a Tuesday. Leaving me without those three weekdays of non-weekend type interruptions. This all coupled with the fact that EA waited until they found out what Packer preseason ticket I was going to be forced to buy (I am convinced of this) to release the game the day before. Knowing full well that I was going to be forced to get black out drunk the next day, and not have time to play the wonderful game.

Which brings me to this weekend. Richard is going to skip cutting the grass at the house he is obviously renting in Northeast Wisconsin, and heading to GB to watch the future stars of UFL play tomorrow night. Drinks may be had. Only good thing is that it was a Saturday night game, which makes drinking easier to do. Oh, and any time you can go to Lambeau, it is spectacular (even if $60 for a preseason ticket should be illegal). And I get to see Browns third string running back and The White Broncos fifth RB Jerome Harrison! Seriously though, my wife's semi-attractive, perpetually single, kind of bitchy friend is coming along. I remember when I was a kid and we had a dog, and I would push the dog into my brother to piss it off so it would bite my brother. I plan to do the same thing with Richard and wife's friend, except that it is going to involve booze and sex.

VICK

He signed with the Eagles. Let's throw a fucking big ass ESPN party. I'm already over it. Glad I'm not watching the Packer game on TV Saturday, because somehow, it would be preempted by coverage of Philly fans throwing bricks at him.

At Least Training Camp Starts Saturday

We just totally jumped into a time machine and stepped back to the mid 1990's last night. I knew it was a bad omen when we had a Pat Listach sighting. Jeff Suppan was Mr. Hyde last night. The entire bullpen was shit. Josh Willingham turned into the Babe Ruth-Barry Bonds-Ted Williams three-some love child (At least I had him in my fantasy lineup!). The sad thing is that we actually hit a little last night for a change, and it didn't matter. I think we are totally and completely fucked. An 8 run loss at home to one of the worst teams of the past decade will do this to a guy.

I am seriously starting to harken back to the times between about 1995 and 2006 when about July 28th, a young man's fancy would turn to analyzing 10-yard outs of dudes in helmets and shorts, and my investment in the Brewers involved looking at the 9-3 loss in the box scores in the morning paper. Of course, I didn't have cable for most of that time, and FSN didn't start showing almost every game until around 2004, and then I didn't even live in Wisconsin, so ignoring the Crew was alot easier. And the Crew was always about 20 games out by this time and there were no expectations because we were a poor team, with a shitty owner that hadn't been to the postseason since 1982.

Alot of that has changed now, so quitting is going to be increasingly difficult. I'm not quite to the point where I am not going to watch nearly every game. But it is going to be alot easier to switch in The Real World knowing that the Crew is probably getting their asses kicked. 4 games out is by no means done. But 4 games out in 4th place makes things alot harder. The Crew needs to win out in this series. And not waste any prospects in a trade. And hope for the best. I am getting fucking pumped for football season.

ASIDES:

Also getting pumped for the drunkest month of my life since 2003 that begins Friday. 2 bachelor parties, one fantasy draft, one Packer preseason game. I might die. And/or get divorced.

Michael Vick is getting jobbed.

There is Funny, and Then There Is Richard's Travel Schedule

King Richard lives in Minnesota. Yet this summer, there are many, many important things going on in Wisconsin that would require a drive here, and drinking too much to drive back in one day. The joke a few months ago was that he should just rent an apartment for the summer, because it would make more sense. That schedule got even funnier last night when he agreed to bite the bullet and pay for a preseason Packer game, in exchange for a ticket to the Sunday night season opener against the Bears. From what I can piece together, here is his weekend schedule starting August 1st.

August 1: Bachelor Party in G.B.
August 8: OJSFA Draft in Stoughton
August 15: Packers v. Browns in G.B.
August 22 thru Sept 6: Off
Sept 12: Packers v. Bears
Sept 19: Off
Sept 26: Oktoberfest in La Crosse
Oct 3 and 10: Off
Oct 17: Wedding in G.B.
Oct 24 and 31: Off
Nov 7: Wedding in Madison

That makes 7 weekends in Wisconsin and 8 weekends at home from August 1 to November 7. Also, this doesn't include Schmock's bachelor party, which I imagine would occur in September or October in Wisconsin, or the inevitability that he will probably come to a game in December or something. Seriously Richard, this is hilarious to everyone but you. Just give up the charade of living in Minnesota and fucking move here.

BREWERS

Are the Twinkies fucking serious? That was the worst 45 seconds of baseball I've ever seen. We stole that one. I'll take it.

NBA DRAFT

Today is my favorite NBA time of the year. It is all down hill from here. The draft is fantastic, and I don't know why.

REAL WORLD CANCUN

Not overly impressed with the premier last night. Could've been worse I guess. I just hope they drink in the ballpark of how much I would if I was there. Too many east coast people, so I'm guessing they will puss out. The dude making out with the "Sharon Osbourne look alike" was pretty classic/disgusting. Their hotel isn't as nice as the Imperial Las Perlas though.

Shit In My Eye Preview

Big weekend begins tomorrow. It is my first (non-official holiday) day off of work since last September. And it is the annual rite of spring/summer where UW-L alumni and semi-alumni descend upon the Southern Wisconsin hamlet known as Stoughton, Wisconsin to get drunk as fuck and celebrate the Constitution of our Norwegian ancestors. And all these years I thought we were celebrating their independence. Except that nobody except Schmock is actually Norwegian I think.

The biggest deal this year is a format change from previous years. In prior years we would arrive to Stoughton mid-to late afternoon, start drinking, drink until we passed out (or didn't) and then go golfing at 6 a.m. or so. This year, it was decided that we should start drinking six hours earlier on Friday, and golf at 9 a.m. Friday and boycotting the outing on Saturday. And then get up early Saturday and drink anyway. So I get to leave GB at like 6 am on my day off to drive to Stoughton so I can puke. This makes absolutely no sense for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I at least, am a total fucking pussy, and will absolutely drink myself into a coma by like 3 p.m. on Friday. But it will be fun regardless.

Another change is that instead of sleeping on Schmock's parent's floor next to a dying black lab, I will at least have a couch (I think) to pass out on at Schmock's house. This I think is probably a good change, although his house is not tripping and falling distance from the bars.

Here are some things that I hope are repeated from past years:

-Schmock not sleeping at all until about midnight on Saturday, drinking the entire time, and being an absolute zombie to the point that he can't speak.

-Sports Bottle covertly hooking up with some random townie chick, and not admitting that it actually happened. (Although he is involved right now, so I would assume those chances are slim).

-Schmock's dad being so drunk that he is claiming to see ghosts at 5 a.m., and then going to work driving around a flower delivery van at 6.

-Richard losing something.

-Mark moving.

-Me shitting on a semi-trailer in a strange part of town.

-Me puking.

-Someone flipping a golf cart.

-Richard falling into the river and drowning.

-Worm doing something highly illegal.

-Jason and Brader showing up out of the blue and sleeping in a tent for no logical reason.

-Someone in Schmock's family crying because one of us is a drunken asshole.

-Truman putting in a five finger chew.

-Everyone living through the weekend.

Pre-Draft Manifesto

I've got quite a bit of time on my hands right now, so I figured I would drop some stink nuggets regarding the upcoming draft, the Packers, and how drunk I plan to get on Saturday.

-I think the Packers need to address the following needs, in order: 1)D-Line, 2) OLB, 3)O-Tackle, 4)Corner. We could also probably use some depth at: 1)Safety, 2)G/C, 3) and to a lesser extent TE/RB/QB. Essentially, we don't really have much use for a WR drafted anywhere before about the 6th round.

-Ted's wish list is as follows: 1)WR, 2)TE, 3)QB, 4)RB, 5)K. Also, a few trade downs are likely. I would expect some ejections from Lambeau on Saturday if we draft anything but a oft discussed player for the front seven, a tackle or Michael Jenkins. I suppose if Crabtree fell to us, you wouldn't hear too many complaints, as he appears to be somewhat special, and if you can get a special gamebreaker, I suppose you get him.

-My head tells me that there is no way Thompson goes off the reservation with this pick and picks someone we've never heard of, or trades the pick. But every year, he does something semi-insane (other than drafting Hawk), so I really have no reason to think he won't do it again. It is really pretty useless to even guess, because he is obviously alot smarter than me, because I'm writing about him doing a job, and he is (sort of) actually doing the job.

-Best Case Scenario #1: Trades the pick in some sort of package to get Julius Peppers.

-Best Case Scenario #2: He stays put and gets an impact player for the 3-4, or our left tackle for the next 10 years.

-Worst Case Scenario #1: Stays put and picks Mark Sanchez or Beanie Wells (I've seen both predicted by "experts")

-Worst Case Scenario #2: Stays put and picks someone truly random like Ted Thompson special: Casey Fitzgerald, WR from North Texas (113 catches).

-Worst Case Scenario #3: Thompson trades down for a 5th, 6th and two 7ths, is murdered by a dude who had a gun under his cheese head, and the ensuing riot burns down Lambeau, forcing the Packers to play their home games at City Stadium for the next 5 years before crumbling under the economy/lack of salary cap, and eventually moving to LA.

- I think he plays it close to the vest this year, because he has always been a little disliked in GB, and one more bad season might lead to his forced departure.

-I plan to drink alot. My assumption is that not only will I drink a shitload of beer, but that Richard's brother is going to revert to age 22 and spend about $700 buying rounds of shots starting at like noon. I plan to be semi-embarrassing when my wife inevitably meets us out at like 8 pm and I can no longer talk. I've got three months of taxes, and a diet which has left me with a bunch of pent up drinking aggression that is going to be let out on Saturday.

-I plan to use the word fuck about 7,460 times Saturday, with the frequency increasing as the day goes on. I bet I have at least one parent yell at me for swearing in front of their six year old.

-Richard's sister will cut in line in front of a handicapped/old/young person to get an autograph from a grown up who gets paid to play football.

-I will be a grown man who wears another grown man's jersey.

-Richard's dad will spend somewhere between $20 and $6,000 on random Packer touristy memorabilia, that will probably contain Calvin wearing a Packer uniform, pissing on a Viking logo.

-We will all order the same thing at Stadium View (boneless hot wings, bloody mary, miller lite chaser).

-We will all fit right in with "those people".

Black Friday, Blackout Saturday

So I'm coming live to you from an office in a small town near Green Bay, WI. I'm at work. This is on a top 5 list of last places on Earth I want to be right about now.

Dragging myself out of bed at 5:00 a.m. is never easy. But after ingesting 11,800 calories the day before, it is even more difficult. So I need to sit at work while the rest of the world either gets into a fistfight over whatever the newest Elmo toy is, sleeps off a hangover, or gets drunk.

The thing is, I had a crapload of work to do today, and probably needed to come in, but that isn't the point. The point is that there is more than one televised sporting even on in the middle of the afternoon today.

If I were President Obama, the fourth thing I would institute as law (right after the legalization of marijuana, the lowering of the age of consent to 16 and forcing the NCAA to adopt Juicelaw's Dream D-I NCAA Football Get Together) would be to make it mandatory for employers to give their employees paid time off any time there is a televised major sporting event on before 5 p.m. on a weekday. Of course, this would have to exclude baseball (except playoffs and College World Series) and golf (except majors). Otherwise, this wouldn't be that hard to put in place, and would make very few additional days off. One example would be today when there are numerous college basketball and football games on. Others I can think of would be most days between Christmas and New Year's (although if JDDNFGT was the rule, there would be no bowl games on these days) and 1st round of NCAA basketball (which I used to, and hope to in the future, take off for anyway). Those would be the biggies. It just seems fair.

As an aside, Best Buy was PACKED at 6:05 a.m. CST this morning.

But the next few days aren't a total loss. Saturday, at approximately 4:00 p.m., I am going to commence drinking myself into a coma in preparation for Packers/Panthers on Sunday. Either that, or mourning Richard's death (depending on whether he brings up OJSFA vetoes or He). Regardless, Sports Bottle is showing up around 9 p.m., and then it will be really on like Donkey Kong. I imagine we will head down to the stadium district, listen to the hair metal/stadium rock/wedding music, and point and laugh at all the white trash and old people trying to grind up on the random group of hot chicks that is there for the bachelorette or birthday party (this never fails).

I am considering finding a sports bar nearby my house that can get the CU-Nebraska tilt, and watch while waiting for Sports Bottle. But I'm not sure that a)there is one, b)Richard will give a shit or c) Sports Bottle wants to go through the hassle of meeting somewhere.

No matter what happens, it is likely going to be memorable, because Richard never goes anywhere without his girlfriend and doesn't do something ridiculous. This time I bet I'm stopping at Shopko to buy him boxers on the way to the game Sunday morning because he had the pair he was wearing to the bars stolen Saturday night, and shit in the other pair he brought along.

Sunday is going to come early.

Monday is too.