The Office Toilet

I work in a small office. We have one toilet for the men in the office (four of us). Today I went to take my morning coffee dump, and I find dried piss and shit all over the seat. Is it really that fucking difficult to a) lift up the seat to piss and b) not shit directly on the seat? Have some fucking common courtesy. I shouldn't have to pull the old hover above the seat with my jacket slung over the stall door/public bathroom shitting move, while at work. Fucking frustrating.

My "Weekend Off"

This weekend was going to be a weekend to rest a little, lay on the couch, perhaps do some yard work that I've ignored for about four weeks now, go on a date with my wife or some shit, etc. But I got tickets to my first Badger game ever this weekend for $20, so I had to go.

You may be wondering "Juice, you seem like a pretty big sports fan, I'm shocked you've never been to a Badger game". I would agree, it is strange. I guess it is the fact that I grew up around Green Bay, and my parents didn't have any money really, so we just never got down there. What is also odd is that I've been to 24 Packer games since my first one in 1988, and those tickets are twice as much, and probably slightly harder to come by. We've just always known random people that were able to hook us up with tickets, and never knew anyone that had Badger tickets.

ANYWAYS, the wife and I are headed down at the asscrack of dawn Saturday due to the 11 a.m. kickoff (which is way to fucking early). I'm little stressed because I don't know my way around all that well, and as there is with Green Bay, there are special tricks for traffic/parking that exist on gamedays that I'm not aware of. I'm sure it will be fine. My wife is already pissed that I'm making her leave at 6 a.m. I just want to make sure I have time to soak it all in, and drink as much as possible before 11 a.m. because of the asinine non-drinking rule at Camp Randall.

Also, many may ask "Holy shit, you are going down to Madison on Halloween???? Where are you staying?" The answer is that somewhere around age 25, the thought of being tear gassed (this allegedly happened to my brother once) stopped sounding good to me. And really, I've only got a weekend or so a year of tolerance for getting all sweaty and standing shoulder to shoulder with other drunken assholes to get warm beer. And that weekend is Oktoberfest for me. I just hope to see some random slutty nurses, or slutty cats, or slutty devils or slutty witches or something. Wisconsin 34, Purdue 20.

Quick NFL Picks: Den (+3.5), NYJ (-3.5), Ind (-11.5), Det (-4.5), Dal (-9.5), Chi (-13.5), Hou (-3.5), Phi (+1), SD (-16.5), GB (-3), Ari (-10), Atl (+10)

Remember on Sunday Packer fans: 1) boo the Vikings hard, and that means EVERYONE; 2) bags of piss; 3) Cheer the Pack LOUD

This Is Going to Get Super Annoying

Is this REALLY necessary? We aren't going to get enough of flashing to him and his wife every four seconds? Didn't we already have this?

I Heard A Rumor

...That there MAY be a football game in town on Sunday. But maybe I thought of that in a blackout state in Vegas. I dunno.



I really don't want to bitch about the whole situation for the 7,432nd time, so I wanted to pull the rug out a little.



As sick and tired as I am with the media beating the He Who Shall Not Be Named storyline into the ground, I had an epiphany when NFL Network was showing "He Who Shall Not Be Named's Top 10 Moments in Green Bay". These highlights shouldn't piss me off. I can enjoy those highlights. Because you know what? As much as I currently hate that prick, all of those highlights occurred when he played for MY team. So those highlights belong to Packer fans, and not to Viqueen fans. And I don't feel one bit bad that he doesn't play for my team anymore, because we have a really, really good QB right now. This whole situation doesn't bother me because he isn't playing for us. It bothers me because he is playing for them. So when they are showing highlight reels of him in a Packer uniform, it is OK to enjoy them.

That being said, if He isn't rained with boos and bags of piss, I am going to be severely disappointed. I am sick of the national media telling me what a shame it would be if he doesn't get cheered. He PLAYS FOR THE OTHER FUCKING TEAM!!! Even the Lions get booed, and they are fucking terrible.

I mean, Ryan Longwell gets lustily booed for fuck sake, and he 1) never won three MVPs; 2) Never held us hostage for four years while deciding to retire every year; 3) he is are all-time leading scorer; 4) wasn't all that great; 5) Never even won a Super Bowl; 6) is a kicker. All Longwell ever really did to earn boos besides going to the Vikings was to say there wasn't anywhere to eat in Green Bay besides Applebee's, which is only like 10% wrong.

I have confidence in Packer fans. And it is going to be a fucking nuthouse on Sunday. Packers 21, Vikings 20.

New Award?

I'm pretty sure that Richard became the first owner in OJSFA history to draft a kicker who was suspended by the league four weeks later for use of a banned stimulant. I am personally holding Richard and the "A-Rodg's Grapefruit" staff responsible for their obvious role as well. I don't think it is a coincidence that he was cut a mere two weeks after the draft, and a mere 9 days before his suspension. League officials are continuing their investigation, and may lay down sanctions on the franchise.

Problem with creating a new award for "First Kicker Suspended for use of a Banned Stimulant" is that it isn't likely to happen again. So maybe it can be a special award, like a lifetime achievement award or the courage award, that is always given out at those other bullshit awards shows.

In other news, BET has agreed to televise the 4th annual OJSFA Awards Banquet, hosted by Scorpio Babers, in the coveted 4 a.m. timeslot on a cold night in January. Unfortunately, we are spending all of the profits on white table linens, gift bags and appearance fees for presenters, so there will be none to share with the rest of you assholes. Al Cowlings, Leslie Nielsen and that dude that played Cochroach on "The Cosby Show" have also committed as presenters. The Jackson 4 have signed on as musical guest.

Dells Debut

So tomorrow is going to mark the fourth consecutive Saturday that I get black out drunk. For a man my age, with a real job, and a house, and a wife (thank (Sports Bottle's) god no fucking kids), it is an impressive feat. Very difficult to do, especially since it was probably around 2003 the last time it happened.

Yes friends, this weekend is Schmock's bachelor party. It is taking place in Wisconsin Dells. I have never been drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which makes it one of the few "major" destinations in Wisconsin that I have not been intoxicated in. In fact, it has probably been about 15 years since I've been there at all. And every trip involved just going to a waterpark and going home. It is, after all, the waterpark capital of the world. So I will get drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which is nice. I imagine the party to fall somewhere in between falling asleep cuddling Worm at 8 p.m., and paying prostitutes to do a group golden shower on Schmock. The possibilities are endless.

I really have no idea what to expect, because I have never been there before. Each city in Wisconsin has its own ebbs and flows to drinking. They are hard to describe, and generally if you are good at it, you end up blacked out regardless, but if you have spent significant time drinking in various Wisconsin hamlets, you understand what I mean.

I'm not really sure what my point is other than that I'm getting up at like 5:30 am tomorrow, to drive to a strange town to drink all day.

VEGAS UPDATE

The shit is on bitches. Sports Bottle, Richard, a bunch of strange homosexual men and I are headed to Vegas in late October. I intentionally spent an extra $45 on a plane ticket so I could a) drive an extra 3 hours, b) get zero sleep on Monday morning, c) start drinking at 9 a.m. on a Thursday, and d) join the mile high club with Sports Bottle. Now that the tickets were finally booked, and if you haven't done it in a while, is super motherfucking stressful and time consuming, I can get back to blogging instead of working as opposed to checking plane ticket prices and not working.

PS. Plenty of space available on the gayest Vegas trip ever. And yes, I'm talking to you Twinkie.

BREW CREW HANGOVER

Hey, they didn't lose last night. And the pitching staff didn't give up any home runs. Too bad the mighty Washington Nationals are up next. The funny thing is, as bad as the Crew has been, Braun and Fielder have been carrying my fantasy team. Oh, and I haven't watched a whole game in like 2 weeks, and it has been not stressful.

NEW BLOG

unkownqbdiary.blogspot.com had a pretty good first, and likely last post. I agree with much of it, except that He Who Shall Not Be Named is definitely to blame. And I wish bodily harm on him. Or at least bags of bodily fluids. His "fans" are fucking annoying as shit. (EDITORS NOTE: Did you realize you fucking spelled "UNKNOWN" wrong in the title of your blog? UnKOWN is going to make it difficult to find my man.)

Let's Rationalize

Now that my blind fury has passed, and I was able to avoid most of whatever bullshit was coming out of that lying fucks' mouth. I though I would take a deep breath, and discuss the actual ramifications for your 2010 NFC North Division Champion Green Bay Packers.

I realize that a rational argument could also be made for the opposite of this, or that tomorrow he will cry and change his mind again, but I only have the mental capacity for this line of positive thinking.

This signing is going to fuck our friends to the west in the following ways:

1) Chilly isn't smart enough to utilize whatever is left in His tank, and obviously doesn't have the balls to stand up against Him, meaning He is going to do whatever the fuck he wants. Which is throw it all over the fucking place. The strength of the team is A-Peter, and Chilly was too dumb not to give him the ball 400 times last year. Imagine what he'll do now. Does anyone remember the Ray Rhodes era? How about the Mike Sherman era? Remember how well it went when we had a coach that didn't stand up to him? Anyone remember 2005 when Darrell Bevell was his QB Coach and he threw 29 interceptions in a 4-12 season?

2) It is going to take 5 to 10 carries per game away from A-Peter, which is fantastic for Queen opponents. This is regardless of what play is called, because you know that there will be a shitload of run to pass audibles.

3) Whatever they may gain in total yardage due to more passing, they will lose in more turnovers, and less third down conversions on a whole. The rationale: A-Peter is a virtual guarantee to get you 3 to 5 yards on every carry. While he does fumble, the chances of a running back fumbling are far less than a QB throwing a pick on third down. Also, the chances of a completion for a first down regardless of yardage is probably around 50 or 60%, which makes the chances of getting nothing 40 to 50%. The chances of a first down run on 3rd and 5 or less are probably a little higher, and the chances of getting nothing are lower. Of course, some of the passes will go to A-Peter, but ask Ryan Grant how many times he was hung out to dry on a last second flip pass, only to turn around and get decleated by a linebacker.

4) They still have zero WRs. Donald Driver, on the downside of his career, would still be the number one in Queenland.

5) The locker room is going to be destroyed.

6) Seriously, Chilly is an idiot.

7) I think you can pencil in He for 20 to 25 TD, and 15 to 20 INT. Traveiouereueos and Sage would've given you 15 to 20 TD and 10 to 15 picks. And an extra 150 touches for A-Peter, arguably the best player in the league.

And if all of the above doesn't come true, well, then I'm going to start filling bags of urine right now, in the hopes of giving one to each and every fan at Lambeau on November 1, to do what they please.