Gloating, Even Though My Team Sucks

I don't subscribe to the theory that you shouldn't attack the plight of other teams. That you shouldn't take joy in the pain of other sports fans. So lets get right into today's topic:

THE BEARS STILL SUCK!
THE BEARS STILL SUCK!
THE BEARS STILL SUCK!

Man, that makes me feel good. Because no matter how shitty the Packers are playing, one can always take joy in the fact that the Bears might be an even bigger disappointment. Which really is saying something.

Jay Cutler has been a disaster. After last night he now has SEVENTEEN interceptions, compared with only 14 TDs. I'm fairly certain the 17 leads the NFL. And it wasn't like three of those were just great plays by the defense, or they were tipped. Other than when Hester fell (and it was still a poor throw) four of those were just absolutely terrible throws. They were Derek Anderson/Jamarcus Russell-esque. Didn't the Bears give up TWO first round picks for him? I love the taste of FIB tears (which tastes like a cross between a cosmo and air pollution).

So other than motherfucking Alex Smith being shitty when I finally broke down and started Vernon Davis over Antonio Gates after being burned three weeks in a row by leaving Davis's 25 points on the bench, the game was great.

Also, I enjoyed the text match between my brother and I while watching the UFL game at halftime of the NFL game. The condensed version is: a) the UFL sucks; b) there were 100 people at the game; c) Brooks Bollinger wants to kill himself; d) the sideline reporter was somehow worse than any NFL sideline reporter on earth; e) Former Packer tackle Orrin Thompson and former NFL RB Michael Pittman were both prominently involved, and both should be starting for the Packers right now; f) we tripled the UFL ratings by watching for ten minutes last night.

Cab Drivers Stealing from Drunken Customers

$35. That is how much I paid for a drunken cab ride home at 1:30 a.m. on Saturday. According to Google Maps that is a 12 min cab ride, 8.4 miles in total. Only the last three blocks would have a speed limit under 45 mph. That is $175 per hour for those not good at math. About the same as Twinkie's divorce attorney is going to charge him per hour after his wife finds out what he did in Vegas next weekend. Also, the attorney went to school for about 7 years, has a license that is relatively difficult to obtain, and has to deal with a ton of bullshit. The cab driver is an 8th grade dropout, who hasn't showered in 7 years, and has a license that everyone on earth over the age of 16 has. I'm just sayin'.

Somehow, this same exact cab ride has varied from between $20 and $35 over the past few years. Yet nobody can explain it to me. Partially because they can pretty much charge whatever the fuck they want because they now know where I live, and partially because I'm at a .34. The key is to pass out like Richard. That way you never have to pay for the cab. And you get to stay at my house and be fed for free. (Fucking deadbeat). Also, just sayin'.

The point of this article is that I have no point. I have relatively few things to do at work this week. I have a full day tomorrow, and a half day on Wednesday, with a seminar the other half day. Then, it is off to Vegas where I plan to make more money in 72 hours than I will in the next 72 months. My liver hurts just thinking about it. Also, low 80's and sunny every day. Fuckin' a.

OTHER NOTES:

-The wedding was great, fun was had by all. We may just have to do it again for Schmock in November.

-The Packers had the worst 26-0 win ever yesterday. I gave the Lions WAY too much credit this year. They didn't even try. I realize they had no Megatron, but holy shit were they awful. Marquand Manuel (who has his own OJSFA award based on how bad he was during his season in Green Bay 4 years ago)? How is that guy doing anything but bagging groceries? Ditto for Ryan "2.9 yds a carry" Grant.

-Fucking Vikings. What other team would have the other team miss a 44 yard FG in a dome to win?

-I may still lose to Mark's half fantasy football team due to the fact that Moss and Schaub scored like 100 points by themselves yesterday. Need 27 from Rivers/Gates, which should be done, but you never know.

-59-0. Yikes.

-Fucking Jeter just hit a leadoff homer. This is starting to hamper the possibility of an ALCS game in Vegas.

R.I.P. Our Friend Mark

Weddings are a magical time. A time when love between a man and a woman (or a man and a man or woman and women, but definitely not between a man and a llama) is solemnized in front of (Sports Bottle's) god for all of time (or until the bitch cheats). It tends to get dusty at weddings (fuck you guys) as well. But mostly, if you aren't the one getting married, it is a time to put on a tux, stand in place for an hour in a hot ass church, and look at your watch every 14 seconds and ask yourself "Is this shit almost over yet? Fuck! I'm thirsty and I know there is a couple of cases of beer in that bus in the parking lot." It is also a time to check the score of the Badger game every 3 minutes on your BlackBerry. It is a time to eat family style broasted chicken when you are super ass drunk. It is a time to get blacked out while Richard gets his third wind, requests "Billie Jean" and dances his face off. And finally, it is a time to mourn the death of a good friend. So if you aren't at the wedding (or if you are) at around 2 p.m., I would ask you to pour out some of that 40 oz for Mark. It was nice to know you.

MORE VEGAS

In response to my brother's semi-monthly post. Sorry about the date switch, wish you could be there. Sports Bottle takes full blame for this because he had 7 other vacations to squeeze in and plan around, and I guess this works better. I hope you really did send me that check. I might toss a few bucks on the under for Bucks wins as well. I bet the O/U is like 35. Also, sign up for Fantasy Basketball you fuck. I don't care if you ever check your roster, but we are stuck at 7 right now and need an even number. Fucking Jeff Higgins. Goddamn was that awesome. But I seriously hope we don't run into him. 5 days, 22 hours until takeoff.

PICKS

Last Week: 8-6
Season: 41-35
All-Time: 175-161-8

Cin (-5), Det (+14), Min (-3), NYG (+3), Pit (-15), Car (-3), Was (-7), Jax (-10), Ari (+3), Phi (-15), NE (-10), NYJ (-10), Atl (-3), SD (-4)

A few comments on the lines. Didn't Jacksonville just lose 41-0 last week? How the fuck are they favored by 10 over anybody???? And yet I picked them because the Rams are that bad. Also, that Philly over Oakland line could be 30 and I would probably take it.

Green Bay wins 34-24. I don't think the Lions are that bad. They've looked feisty this year. But if Megatron is out, I don't see any way they beat us. I figure they will get a TD on special teams, and BF Culpepper will run one in. A-Rodg should have a big day despite getting sacked 9 times. Grant doesn't make to the sidelines until the middle of the second quarter because he falls down every 2.9 yards trying to walk from the locker room to the sidelines. B-Jax makes a good debut in his place averaging like 5 yds a carry and getting 6 catches out of the backfield, but McCarthy then promptly benches him for Grant with no rhyme or reason.

I think (#22)Bucky eeks one out v. (#2)Iowa for some reason. It is a good rivalry game, and always close regardless of record. I'm seeing 21-20 for some reason.