2009 OJSFA Awards Extravaganza!!

You are looking live! At the 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association Awards Extravaganza/Red Carpet Special/After Party! This year's ceremony is taking place at the illustrious Stadium View Bar & Grill in beautiful Green Bay, WI. Wind chills are a mere -10. Without further ado, your hosts: Kanye West (gay fish) and Alleged Tiger Woods mistress #11!

We will start with the biggest award, and arguably the most controversial. The O.J. Simpson Award. This award is given to the Most Valuable Player in the league, which is determined to be the highest scoring player on the team with the best record in the league. I didn't make up the rules (I did), but they must be followed.

The winner this year: Tom Brady. Brady arguably had about the 5th or 6th best season as far as QBs go. And not even close to his best season. Yet he was the best player on a shitty best team in the league, so he wins his second MVP in three years. Also he has gone MVP, LVP, MVP in consecutive years. Which is crazy. Chris Johnson just shot his pistol into the air and said: "Fuck the rules". Kanye went on a ten minute rant about how I don't care about black people because I gave the award to the white QB even though Johnson was clearly superior.

Past Winners:

2006: LaDanian Tomlinson

2007: Tom Brady

2008: Phillip Rivers

The next award is the Ryan Leaf Award for the Least Valuable Player. This is a player drafted in the first three rounds, with the least number of points. This is a great award, because there is always a good candidate, even though it is arguably an award for the best player to get injured and fuck a team. Of course, this year, Bear had the MVP AND LVP, so it obviously doesn't mean much if you are omnivorous and make a few lucky moves.

This year's winner is Brian Westbrook who has been gunning for this award for years, and has finally injured every part of his body.

Past Winners:

2006: Domanick Davis (RIP, possibly killed by Marvin Harrison)

2007: Marvin Harrison

2008: Tom Brady

The next award goes to the highest scorer regardless of team affiliation. It is named after a dude who scored more than any other dude ever, Wilt Chamberlain. Although we may consider renaming it after Tiger Woods. Alleged Mistress #11 says: "No you diin't".

Drew Brees wins this for the second straight year. He is really good. Also, his team, The No Talent Ass Clowns, missed the playoffs again. To be fair, this team scored a lot more than my team did, but had a worse record.

Past Winners:

2006: LaDanian Tomlinson

2007: Tom Brady

2008: Drew Brees

This next award is an inside joke to Packer fans, that relived itself when the Packers played the Lions. It is the Marquand Manuel Award given to the best "sleeper pick" in the draft, which is a player drafted in the 10th round or later with the most points. It is tied to Marquand Manuel because he would often be caught napping in the secondary and let receivers streak past him for TDs even though a safety is never supposed to let anyone deeper than him on the field. Somehow, the Lions were bad enough that he reappeared this year as a freaking starter, and the Packers promptly exploited the matchup for a deep TD, much to my delight.

This year's winner did not even start for his team, but the rules are once again the rules, so the winner is Matt Schaub, who sat behind Chamberlain Award winner Drew Brees. The list of past winners is pretty impressive, which might mean big things for Schaub next year.

Past winners:
2006: Maurice Jones-Drew

2007: Tony Romo

2008: Aaron Rodgers

The next award is the Sports Bottle Award, which goes to the Rookie of The Year. It is named after Sports Bottle because he went 2-14 in 2006, so he had obviously never played fantasy football before.

This year's winner is Percy Harvin, who is the first WR to win the award. Fuck him.

Past Winners:

2006: Maurice Jones-Drew

2007: Adrian Peterson

2008: Matt Forte

The penultimate award is the Kobe Bryant Award for the most ass raping-ist trade (allegedly). Lack of any real good candidates this year, but there was one trade so someone has to win.

This year the award goes to Twinkie for trading me Kevin Walter for Rashard Mendenhall before the season began. To be fair, neither player lasted more than a few weeks on either team. Basically, Tom Brady is somehow involved every other year, so Bear needs to trade him in the offseason. Also, in four years Bear to my brother has won twice, and a Twinkie/me trade has been involved twice. Someone else should make a trade.

Past winners:

2006: Shaun Alexander (Bear) to my brother for Brady/Andre Johnson
2007: Lawrence Maroney (Me) to Twinkie for Torry Holt

2008: Brady/L. Coles (Bear) to my brother for Big Ben/Reggie Wayne

The final award pains me to give out. It is the Reggie White Award for the free agent pick up of the year. It is the player who was undrafted, who scored the most points. This year's winner also did not play on his team and sat the bench all year because he had a far superior QB ahead of him, which in this case is really, really ironic.

The winner is He Who Shall Not Be Named, who sat behind Aaron Rodgers on Schmock's Team. I hope he dies. The past winners include a dog killer, a shitty QB and a Jesus freak with 12 kids.

Past Winners:

2006: Michael Vick

2007: Derek Anderson

2008: Kurt Warner

Cab Drivers Stealing from Drunken Customers

$35. That is how much I paid for a drunken cab ride home at 1:30 a.m. on Saturday. According to Google Maps that is a 12 min cab ride, 8.4 miles in total. Only the last three blocks would have a speed limit under 45 mph. That is $175 per hour for those not good at math. About the same as Twinkie's divorce attorney is going to charge him per hour after his wife finds out what he did in Vegas next weekend. Also, the attorney went to school for about 7 years, has a license that is relatively difficult to obtain, and has to deal with a ton of bullshit. The cab driver is an 8th grade dropout, who hasn't showered in 7 years, and has a license that everyone on earth over the age of 16 has. I'm just sayin'.

Somehow, this same exact cab ride has varied from between $20 and $35 over the past few years. Yet nobody can explain it to me. Partially because they can pretty much charge whatever the fuck they want because they now know where I live, and partially because I'm at a .34. The key is to pass out like Richard. That way you never have to pay for the cab. And you get to stay at my house and be fed for free. (Fucking deadbeat). Also, just sayin'.

The point of this article is that I have no point. I have relatively few things to do at work this week. I have a full day tomorrow, and a half day on Wednesday, with a seminar the other half day. Then, it is off to Vegas where I plan to make more money in 72 hours than I will in the next 72 months. My liver hurts just thinking about it. Also, low 80's and sunny every day. Fuckin' a.

OTHER NOTES:

-The wedding was great, fun was had by all. We may just have to do it again for Schmock in November.

-The Packers had the worst 26-0 win ever yesterday. I gave the Lions WAY too much credit this year. They didn't even try. I realize they had no Megatron, but holy shit were they awful. Marquand Manuel (who has his own OJSFA award based on how bad he was during his season in Green Bay 4 years ago)? How is that guy doing anything but bagging groceries? Ditto for Ryan "2.9 yds a carry" Grant.

-Fucking Vikings. What other team would have the other team miss a 44 yard FG in a dome to win?

-I may still lose to Mark's half fantasy football team due to the fact that Moss and Schaub scored like 100 points by themselves yesterday. Need 27 from Rivers/Gates, which should be done, but you never know.

-59-0. Yikes.

-Fucking Jeter just hit a leadoff homer. This is starting to hamper the possibility of an ALCS game in Vegas.