2009 OJSFA Awards Extravaganza!!

You are looking live! At the 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association Awards Extravaganza/Red Carpet Special/After Party! This year's ceremony is taking place at the illustrious Stadium View Bar & Grill in beautiful Green Bay, WI. Wind chills are a mere -10. Without further ado, your hosts: Kanye West (gay fish) and Alleged Tiger Woods mistress #11!

We will start with the biggest award, and arguably the most controversial. The O.J. Simpson Award. This award is given to the Most Valuable Player in the league, which is determined to be the highest scoring player on the team with the best record in the league. I didn't make up the rules (I did), but they must be followed.

The winner this year: Tom Brady. Brady arguably had about the 5th or 6th best season as far as QBs go. And not even close to his best season. Yet he was the best player on a shitty best team in the league, so he wins his second MVP in three years. Also he has gone MVP, LVP, MVP in consecutive years. Which is crazy. Chris Johnson just shot his pistol into the air and said: "Fuck the rules". Kanye went on a ten minute rant about how I don't care about black people because I gave the award to the white QB even though Johnson was clearly superior.

Past Winners:

2006: LaDanian Tomlinson

2007: Tom Brady

2008: Phillip Rivers

The next award is the Ryan Leaf Award for the Least Valuable Player. This is a player drafted in the first three rounds, with the least number of points. This is a great award, because there is always a good candidate, even though it is arguably an award for the best player to get injured and fuck a team. Of course, this year, Bear had the MVP AND LVP, so it obviously doesn't mean much if you are omnivorous and make a few lucky moves.

This year's winner is Brian Westbrook who has been gunning for this award for years, and has finally injured every part of his body.

Past Winners:

2006: Domanick Davis (RIP, possibly killed by Marvin Harrison)

2007: Marvin Harrison

2008: Tom Brady

The next award goes to the highest scorer regardless of team affiliation. It is named after a dude who scored more than any other dude ever, Wilt Chamberlain. Although we may consider renaming it after Tiger Woods. Alleged Mistress #11 says: "No you diin't".

Drew Brees wins this for the second straight year. He is really good. Also, his team, The No Talent Ass Clowns, missed the playoffs again. To be fair, this team scored a lot more than my team did, but had a worse record.

Past Winners:

2006: LaDanian Tomlinson

2007: Tom Brady

2008: Drew Brees

This next award is an inside joke to Packer fans, that relived itself when the Packers played the Lions. It is the Marquand Manuel Award given to the best "sleeper pick" in the draft, which is a player drafted in the 10th round or later with the most points. It is tied to Marquand Manuel because he would often be caught napping in the secondary and let receivers streak past him for TDs even though a safety is never supposed to let anyone deeper than him on the field. Somehow, the Lions were bad enough that he reappeared this year as a freaking starter, and the Packers promptly exploited the matchup for a deep TD, much to my delight.

This year's winner did not even start for his team, but the rules are once again the rules, so the winner is Matt Schaub, who sat behind Chamberlain Award winner Drew Brees. The list of past winners is pretty impressive, which might mean big things for Schaub next year.

Past winners:
2006: Maurice Jones-Drew

2007: Tony Romo

2008: Aaron Rodgers

The next award is the Sports Bottle Award, which goes to the Rookie of The Year. It is named after Sports Bottle because he went 2-14 in 2006, so he had obviously never played fantasy football before.

This year's winner is Percy Harvin, who is the first WR to win the award. Fuck him.

Past Winners:

2006: Maurice Jones-Drew

2007: Adrian Peterson

2008: Matt Forte

The penultimate award is the Kobe Bryant Award for the most ass raping-ist trade (allegedly). Lack of any real good candidates this year, but there was one trade so someone has to win.

This year the award goes to Twinkie for trading me Kevin Walter for Rashard Mendenhall before the season began. To be fair, neither player lasted more than a few weeks on either team. Basically, Tom Brady is somehow involved every other year, so Bear needs to trade him in the offseason. Also, in four years Bear to my brother has won twice, and a Twinkie/me trade has been involved twice. Someone else should make a trade.

Past winners:

2006: Shaun Alexander (Bear) to my brother for Brady/Andre Johnson
2007: Lawrence Maroney (Me) to Twinkie for Torry Holt

2008: Brady/L. Coles (Bear) to my brother for Big Ben/Reggie Wayne

The final award pains me to give out. It is the Reggie White Award for the free agent pick up of the year. It is the player who was undrafted, who scored the most points. This year's winner also did not play on his team and sat the bench all year because he had a far superior QB ahead of him, which in this case is really, really ironic.

The winner is He Who Shall Not Be Named, who sat behind Aaron Rodgers on Schmock's Team. I hope he dies. The past winners include a dog killer, a shitty QB and a Jesus freak with 12 kids.

Past Winners:

2006: Michael Vick

2007: Derek Anderson

2008: Kurt Warner

New Award?

I'm pretty sure that Richard became the first owner in OJSFA history to draft a kicker who was suspended by the league four weeks later for use of a banned stimulant. I am personally holding Richard and the "A-Rodg's Grapefruit" staff responsible for their obvious role as well. I don't think it is a coincidence that he was cut a mere two weeks after the draft, and a mere 9 days before his suspension. League officials are continuing their investigation, and may lay down sanctions on the franchise.

Problem with creating a new award for "First Kicker Suspended for use of a Banned Stimulant" is that it isn't likely to happen again. So maybe it can be a special award, like a lifetime achievement award or the courage award, that is always given out at those other bullshit awards shows.

In other news, BET has agreed to televise the 4th annual OJSFA Awards Banquet, hosted by Scorpio Babers, in the coveted 4 a.m. timeslot on a cold night in January. Unfortunately, we are spending all of the profits on white table linens, gift bags and appearance fees for presenters, so there will be none to share with the rest of you assholes. Al Cowlings, Leslie Nielsen and that dude that played Cochroach on "The Cosby Show" have also committed as presenters. The Jackson 4 have signed on as musical guest.

2008 OJSFA Awards Extravaganza!

Each year, awards are given out in the Orenthal James Simpson Football Association. This year's awards show is hosted by Lil Wayne. Why Lil Wayne? Why not?

First Award is "The Kobe Bryant Award". The Kobe Bryant award goes to the owner who pulls off the biggest ass raping (allegedly) trade of the year.

This year's winner is Bear for pulling off a trade that may never be topped in the history of the league.

Yes, the trading of Tom Brady five minutes before he blew out his knee and was put out for the year was the winner. The complete trade was Brady/L. Coles from Bear to my brother for Big Ben/Reggie Wayne.

Past winners: 2006: Shaun Alexander (Bear) to my brother for Brady/Andre Johnson

2007: Lawrence Maroney (Me) to Twinkie for Torry Holt

The next award is the "Reggie White Award" for free agent pick up of the year.

The winner is Kurt Warner.

Past winners: 2006: Michael Vick (believe it or not); 2007: Derek Anderson (believe it or not). My advice to Bear is drop him like a bad habit next year.

Next up, the newly named "Sports Bottle Award" for rookie of the year. This is an inside joke about the Sports Bottle going 2-14 in our first year.

This year's winner is Matt Forte.

Past Winners: 2006: Mojo Drew, 2007: A-Peter

The next award's name may be slightly outdated, but Packer fans will get it. It is the "Marquand Manuel" award for sleeper of the year. You might remember former (thank god) Packer safety Marquand Manuel falling asleep in the secondary and allowing receivers to run free past him for TD's. This award is for the player selected in the 10th round or later, with the most total points.

A-Rodg is this year's winner.

Past Winners: 2006: Mojo Drew, 2007: Tony Romo

The "Wilt Chamberlain Award" is the next award to be handed out. This award is in honor of Wilt Chamberlain sleeping with 20,000 women, and is for the scoring leader.

Drew Brees is your winner. Drew played for the last place team this year, and clearly was just trying to pile up stats.

Past Winners: 2006: LDT, 2007: Tom Brady

Next Award: the "Ryan Leaf Award" for Least Valuable Player. This is the keeper who scored the least points. No surprise that Tom Brady wins this award. This is the third individual award for Brady in the OJSFA. Last year he was MVP and Scoring leader....

Past Winners: 2006: Domanick Davis (I believe he is dead now), 2007: Marvin Harrison

The final award is the "O.J. Simpson Award" for MVP. This year is a very controversial pick. The MVP is given out to the player with the most points on the first place team in the regular season. This year, I was in first place. I am a slave to the rules so I have no choice but to give the award to:

Phil Rivers. What is controversial is that Rivers was not even what I would call my "starting QB". He started three games (not including today's playoff game) and I went 1-2 in those games. BUT, rules are rules, and he had the most points on my team, even though most of them were on the bench. What is also strange, is that in the past, the winners ended up being clearly the best players in FFB, whereas Rivers clearly isn't. He narrowly edged Anquan Boldin, who is pissed about it and is going to turn it into three TDs today.

Past Winners: 2006: LDT, 2007: Tom Brady