Drunken Brewers/Twinkie Preview

In about 2 1/2 hours, I'm embarking on my most ambitious tailgating venture ever as I take off to Milwaukee to watch the Brewers take their second straight from the Twinks. It is my most ambitious ever because we are bringing a table. Otherwise it is the same as any other. Regardless, myself, Mrs. Juice, Sports Bottle, the soon to be Mrs. Sports Bottle, Richard and friends are going to get fucked up and enjoy the ridiculous weather. I put the over/under on number of innings I remember at 6.5. I put the over/under on inning Richard passes out at 7.5. Fun will be had by all.

One quick side note: U.S. is playing Mexico in some fake soccer tournament tonight. While I am aware of it, I would never make plans around watching it, or probably even think to watch it when it was on. I guess I'm in the minority though because according to ESPN.com, of like 129,000 voters, 39% are the most excited about this match vs. 4 other sporting events (MLB, NASCAR, CWS, Wimbledon). While that isn't exactly a murderers row, I'm SHOCKED that a relatively meaningless soccer match won.

What a Bust

Went on a Brewer bus trip yesterday and it was disappointing to say the least. The Crew lost, which sucks. I knew only 4 other people on the bus, and none of them got drunk, which made my desire to get drunk awkward and pointless. The people that I didn't know were all in their late 30's, early 40's, and were white trash. On the bright side, at least I don't have to pretend to be interested in soccer anymore. Although, I did find it very interesting that the U.S.-Ghana game was on all of the TVs in the Miller Park concourse. Miller Park is still the best stadium I've been to as far as the overall experience when you take tailgating festivities into account. This post was rambling and incoherent.

In other news, five straight wins does not a playoff team make. I still believe the worst possible thing that could happen is for the Brewers to go like 15-5 in their next 20, get to about 6 back, and think they have a shot. They don't.

OJSFA draft, the 5th annual, and the longest draft in sports, begins in earnest next weekend with the keeper portion. Bear has the honor of starting.

I swear I'm not on LSD. This was an absolute waste of a post.

Border Battle: Baseball Style

So. I guess I am going to a "baseball game" this weekend. Possibly (but highly unlikely unless Twinkies wife pays for the tickets, and she won't be there on Saturday) two. There is also a series of said games taking place this weekend. One team is a team that is named after a birth defect. The other used to be a baseball team, but now is some kind of traveling band of misfits that cause blindness and make you want to kill yourself. Yes, it is the Twinkies v. Brewers. How will the Crew do? Well, lets look at the pitching matchups: Friday Bush v.. Fuck it, I'm not even going to bother. If we win one I would be SHOCKED. A few more bullet points of what is going to happen:

- I'm going to drive 5 hours to go to a state that I may hate more than any other state.

- I'm going to drink too much.

- Richard and my wife will drink too much too.

- Richards "friend" is going to hate me.

- I will either see the last Macha game, or one of the first Randolph/Svuem games.

- The Crew will run Jody Gerut out there to DH. He will go 1 for 12, hit into 2 double plays, and strike out 4 times.

- Hoffman will pitch a game, but in the 6th inning. And he will not give up a run.

- I will be stared at in horror by a bunch of Minnesotans that think they know how to drink, yet the fact that they live on the other side of a river has somehow precluded them from being able to even fathom drinking as much as Wisconsinites.

- There will be numerous Brewer fan/Twin fan fights around bar time

I'm a Junkie

I have a problem. About 18 months ago, I came across Alka-Seltzer Wake Up Call. I reviewed it somewhere on this site. It works for me. I took my last dose back in March when Sports Bottle and I got severely intoxicated in Milwaukee. I hadn't really gotten completely plowed (or at least planned ahead to get severely plowed) since. Seeing as drinking season begins in earnest on Friday, I looked in the trusty spot in the grocery store for my elixir. They didn't have it. This was a few weeks back, and I didn't worry that much, because sometimes a grocery store is out of shit. This Saturday, I was out and about running errands and what not, and I figured I would pick up some hangover cure, knowing full well I was going to need it twice this weekend. The grocery store still didn't have it. The Target next door didn't have it. I thought, "Well, shit, Walgreen's has EVERYTHING. They will have it, and I'll pick up two packs for good measure." Out. The Shopko Express down the street from my house. Out. The next day, while we were out visiting mothers, I made stops at a CVS, another Walgreens, a Wal-Mart (against my better judgment) and Festival Foods. None of them has it. I've come to the conclusion that this miracle cure probably killed 5 or 12 teenagers who OD'ed on it and it caused their hearts to explode. And now it appears it has been discontinued. Fuck. Me. This is like learning that they stopped making Vodka. I don't know what to do. I could order it online, but I would never get it in time for this weekend, and probably not for next weekend either. Plus they are raping people like triple the price.

So I am imploring anyone who I know that might be married to someone with some type of degree in the drug dispersion trade, that may or may not have ties to some underground shit, to see if she is aware of a way for me to get it before Friday. Or if there is any similar cure/concoction/combination of similar type drugs that I can take to cure what is going to happen to me on Saturday and Sunday morning. Not as worried about Saturday, because usually a screwdriver or eight takes care of a hangover, but that really isn't an option on Sunday. Eventually, I will have to not be drunk. Please post said cures in the comments. Or text/email me. I'm desperate. Thank you.

SHIT IN MY EYE 2010!!!

I've been going to Shit in My Eye since 2001 I believe. With off years for various graduations and such. I'm guessing this is like my sixth appearance. Taking off at noon, hoping to get down by 3, drinking by 3:01, drunk by 4, going for random walks by 8, blacked out by 9.

For those that are curious what the point is, here is Wikipedia. But all that shit is sort of meaningless. What it means is that it is Oktoberfest light, in the spring time. Light generally because it is cheaper, it is in a smaller city, there are fewer bars and fewer people. Not light because we drink less. Because that isn't true at all. Other Syttende Mai thoughts:

Traditionally, one of our "crew" manages to piss someone in Schmock's family off, and someone cries. Usually it is the same person on both ends.

Schmock's dad often drinks all night and goes to work early the next morning. Sometimes with no sleep.

One time Schmock's dad saw a ghost.

One time Richard (who will be absent this year) almost died of a head explosion.

One time Schmock's dog DID die.

One time Sports Bottle almost got punched in his drunk face by his then girlfriend. He is no longer dating said girlfriend.

One time I shit on an abandoned semi trailer somewhere on the complete opposite end of town in the middle of the night. I was under aged. I had nothing to wipe with.

The Hole Gets Deeper

The original plan this weekend was to visit the old stomping ground, my alma mater, along with a few others who graced our wonderful university with their presence. Scheduling conflicts ensued and the trip was scrapped.

So, in my quest to justify drinking before noon, I had a brilliant idea. What are legitimate excuses to drink before noon?

• Oktoberfest
• Shit in My Eye
• Snow Volleyball
• Las Vegas
• St Patty's Day
• 12 bars of Christmas (not sure if Richard starts before noon, but it seems like a good tradition in which to do so)
• College Baseball World Series (I did it once)

Schmock and I are adding another this Saturday. We are heading to Rockford, Illinois for OTB. What is OTB you ask? Off track betting. We're gonna sit at some large bowling alley/bar/restaurant and bet on horse races from all over the country. It's gonna be a Vegas sportsbook without the other sports, free drinks and Jeff Higgins. I do believe it's a brilliant idea.

The g/f and I invested in our future together the other day. We purchased a couple's membership to a local golf course. Golf anytime all week and unlimited range balls. I will be a single digit handicap by the end of the summer (probably not).