Border Battle: Baseball Style

So. I guess I am going to a "baseball game" this weekend. Possibly (but highly unlikely unless Twinkies wife pays for the tickets, and she won't be there on Saturday) two. There is also a series of said games taking place this weekend. One team is a team that is named after a birth defect. The other used to be a baseball team, but now is some kind of traveling band of misfits that cause blindness and make you want to kill yourself. Yes, it is the Twinkies v. Brewers. How will the Crew do? Well, lets look at the pitching matchups: Friday Bush v.. Fuck it, I'm not even going to bother. If we win one I would be SHOCKED. A few more bullet points of what is going to happen:

- I'm going to drive 5 hours to go to a state that I may hate more than any other state.

- I'm going to drink too much.

- Richard and my wife will drink too much too.

- Richards "friend" is going to hate me.

- I will either see the last Macha game, or one of the first Randolph/Svuem games.

- The Crew will run Jody Gerut out there to DH. He will go 1 for 12, hit into 2 double plays, and strike out 4 times.

- Hoffman will pitch a game, but in the 6th inning. And he will not give up a run.

- I will be stared at in horror by a bunch of Minnesotans that think they know how to drink, yet the fact that they live on the other side of a river has somehow precluded them from being able to even fathom drinking as much as Wisconsinites.

- There will be numerous Brewer fan/Twin fan fights around bar time

Brew Crew (and Other) Hangover

BREW CREW HANGOVER

They might never win another game. At least they are playing on the road this weekend, when I will be there. They have a puncher's chance on the road. At home, they can't do anything right lately. It is becoming borderline painful to watch. Schizophrenic as always. At least they didn't replace Doug Davis with Soup, which shows you how ridiculous it was that he was ever starting in the first place. But if you've got a guy who is only the 8th (assuming Villa is done starting) best starter on your team wasting space in the bullpen, why is he still here at all? Best to Doug Davis. The Brewers seem cursed this year. That Brewer-Cub game in September is looking better and better.

OTHER HANGOVER

My (Sports Bottle's) god. It is painful to type right now. I'm in BAD shape. This is in the top 3 worst second day hangovers I've ever had. And I can't really give you a good reason why. Everything went sort of as planned this weekend. I got really, really drunk on Friday. I wandered away about midnight and got yelled at (probably deservedly so). I blacked out and forgot how I got back to Schmock's house.

Saturday, I woke up with a hangover, killed it with an Excedrin and a screwdriver, and proceeded to get super ass drunk. I had a nice mixture of beer/caffinated mixed drinks, and somehow (I think, I'll be honest when I say I don't remember) stayed away from vodka/cranberry. Spent somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 straight hours at Pack R Place bar, ate a huge greasy burger, a brat and a chicken sandwich. Told a bunch of inappropriate jokes. Good times were had. Then we went to Schmock's parents, and things are a total blur. The only things I remember from the two hours or so we spent there were as follows: I was introduced to Code Red and Vodka, I ate a piece of pizza, we tried to set up my wife's perpetually single friend with another of our perpetually single friends via text message when said girl wasn't there and had never met the guy who was standing there with a three fingered chew in his cheek. I have no clue how much I drank in those two hours. Then we went back to the bar, where the only thing I know for sure is that I had at least one shot. At some point, we walked three miles (or one) back to Schmock's house. I think I immediately passed out.

And then....I puked. Alot, and without warning. I shouldn't say no warning. I had enough warning to get most of it in the toilet. Then I puked again. This time, I almost didn't make it to the bathroom, but thankfully I did. I have no clue what prompted the vomit. It has been awhile. I didn't miss it. Oh, and I blew all the blood vessels in my face and my eyes are yellow, so I look really, really bad. I got all sorts of stares and comments at work, but nobody came right out and said "What the fuck happened to your face?" Although I know they wanted to. Somehow I didn't fall asleep at my desk, or wind up in a ditch on the way home.

Did I mention that I'm doing this again (less one day) on Saturday night? It is a good thing the bars in Minneapolis close at like 10:45. On a scale of one to ten on levels of excitement, with 10 being most excited. I'm a negative 3. And it is only that high because I haven't seen Richard's sweet, sweet ass in like 6 months. But I've got to do what I've got to do. You are only sort of young once. And at some point I'm sure some kid will come along and ruin the opportunity to be completely retarded. And I've got a contract with Richard signed in blood to get blacked out every time I see him. So there is that.

Conspiracies, Loonies and Bad Movies

A list of random bullet points, some of which are irrelevant because they are days old:



- I will start with conspiracies. Richard and I logged on to the Twin's website at 9 a.m. sharp to purchase tickets to Brewers v. Twins in May. We were both promptly placed in an online waiting room. About 9:20, we received a message that the tickets were no longer available online....unless, that is, we want to purchase season tickets. First of all, that is fucking ridiculous. But that isn't all. Sunday's game gave us a similar message. A click back on Saturday gave the same message, with a link to StubHub, where there were over a 1,000 tickets available, less than a half hour after tickets went on sale!!! So here goes the conspiracy theory: 1) The Twins are no different than the Vikings when it comes to screwing Wisconsin fans. The Vikings force anyone that wants to buy a ticket to the Packer game to buy a preseason game too. I believe the Twins want season tickets sales, so they are doing whatever they can to get it. 2) There is no fucking way all of the available tickets were put up for sale on Saturday. While it is feasible to sell out a large number of weekend games over the course of a half day or so, there is no way every ticket was sold in 20 minutes. Even if we assume that 22,000 (which is the latest estimate I heard) were gone by way of season tickets. That means that nearly 18,000 tickets had to go in 20 minutes. This translates to nearly 1,000 tickets a minute, which, is fucking impossible. 3) It is also pretty unlikely that within 20 minutes, 1,000 of these alleged 18,000 ended up on StubHub.

I believe that the Twins not only held back a number of the single game tickets, but also put some on Stub Hub themselves to try to raise Joe Mauer money.

So now, I have to wait it out and hope to get a $20 ticket for less than $50.

-I saw a horrible movie on Saturday. "Brooklyn's Finest" is an absolute piece of shit. And I wanted to like it. But I couldn't even justified being entertained despite giving it the benefit of the doubt, and the gratuitous violence, nudity and harsh language (all of which are requirements for me to love a movie). The story (or stories) was just so bad and pointless that the other things couldn't overcome it. Two of the three main characters (Ethan Hawke and Richard Gere) were depressing and unlikeable. The other main character (Don Cheadle) was the only one I cared about at all, and even he (who I love) was not able to carry the other two thirds of the shitty movie. The only other good thing was that the scenes appear to have really been shot in Brooklyn's projects. So to recap: nudity + violence + swearing + Don Cheadle - an awful story= 3 out of 10. I would not even recommend renting it.

-LT to Viking fans: Fuck you. I don't want to play with He Who Shall Not Be Named. And your coach sucks.

-For the first time in recent memory, Bucky didn't get hosed by the selection committee. I like their path to Kentucky in the Sweet 16. And from there? Who knows? I am going to have to DVR the game Friday because they play at 1:50. Which is going to ruin my whole Friday afternoon because I will be a) stressed out about some asshole ruining it, and b) won't be able to watch the games while they are happening.

As If Things Couldn't Get More Stressful...

...Fucking Scott Stapp is singing the national anthem. Not making this up. Fucking Minnesota. Hanson wasn't available? Jesus Fucking Christ.

The Sounds of Silence

Non-Packer/suicide post coming straight at you!

I was informed the other day while watching SportsCenter that they are still playing something called baseball. I wouldn't have even known, but they interrupted my "news" of He Who Shall Not Be Named bruising a vulva this week but that "he will play next week" (no shit.)

What is strange to me is that 40% of the "bloggers" on this website are "Twins fans", yet I have heard not a peep regarding the fact that they are in the midst of the only real pennant race (2 1/2 back, 13 left to play including 4 vs. Detroit) in the league. I was completely unaware of the fact until I saw the graphic and spit my Cookie Crisp Sprinkle Cookies all over the couch this morning. How the fuck are the Twins in a pennant race? They have like 2 players I have ever heard of. That division is terrible, and you can't convince me otherwise.

Last year, when the Crew was in the only real pennant race of my lifetime, I was having trouble sleeping because the shit was so tense. And we can't even get ONE post? I can only assume that 40% of the bloggers are either dead, homosexual or both.

Fucking people from Minnesota.

IN OTHER NEWS

I made the two week marathon title game in my fantasy baseball league with the old guys. And the old guys are NOT happy. I got about 20 posts about how "lucky" I am, and how everyone is rooting against me because I'm an asshole. My response was a post about how of course I'm fucking lucky, because it is literally 98% luck since I am unable to call Prince Fielder to tell him to a hit a homerun for my team. It just isn't all that difficult to keep a game close and hope for the best. It really pissed them off when I told them that I was the Phil Jackson of fantasy baseball and I just put my best guys out there and hope for the best. Especially since these guys have all lost their children over this league. Seriously, this shit is the most intense league I've been a part of. They take it WAY too seriously. So I'll just have to win it.

OKTOBERFEST

My asshole is starting to tingle. Which means it is a mere 3 days from now. I have to stop off at the store to buy Richard some floaties for when that female serial killer throws him in the river at 3 am.

/Shakes Head In Disgust

Really? Whatever was happening here, perhaps it went too far. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that she is a Queens fan, because that would make me sleep tonight.

Best Post in the World (Tribute)

Believe it or not, I had the best post in the world written, and fucking Blogger malfunctioned and I lost all of it. And I can't remember what that post said, so this is the Best Post in the World Tribute. The funny thing about it is that the Best Post in the World doesn't actually read anything like this post.

So my back is getting sore again from carrying this blog. We have FIVE fucking writers and we can't get ONE post out of anyone but me? Really? SportsBottle: put down that night stick covered in the blood of innocent minorities and write something, Twinkie: put down that dude's nutsack and write something, Bear: put down that cigarette and write something, LoafCobra: come back from the dead and write something.

BREW CREW HANGOVER:

I think my brother was right in saying that Hoffman was merely bored with perfection, and wanted to pitch under some pressure to make sure he was alive and not a cyborg sent here to destroy the earth.

Big ups to Kendall on that throw to third on the bunt. That was skilled.

I will now bitch about Billy Hall. I'm growing tired of his: "I was really good once, you should let me bat against right handers even though I hit .195 against them for the past two seasons." Ned Yost, errrrr.... Ken Macha is lucky that this "trust" in Hall only potentially cost us one game and not two. Gamel has to play against right handers, and should be given the opportunity against left handers. He allegedly had about the same average in the minors against both. Gamel is the future, Hall is the flash in the pan robber of salary.

Should be a fun weekend series in that cesspool, piece of shit, rotting, festering corspse, cesspool of pus filled, pandemic fostering, cooze known as the Metrodome. The Twinks won 20-1 yesterday, but then I heard that they were like 4 games under .500. Twinks are going to have a harder time withe Crew because we can do that thing called "Pitching". They don't really do much of that in the AL, and I've heard it is an important part of winning games. Also, the Crew can hit the shit out of the ball, and the Twinks are going to be throwing out two left handers, which is a bad idea because "Braun DESTROYS left handed pitching." If you don't get that reference then you haven't watched many Brewer telecasts this year. (P.S. "I'm not sure where that one missed." and "You know J.J. is seeing the ball really well when he drives one to the opposite field. It's just a shame it was right to a guy, or that would've gone for extra bases."). My prediction is Braun hits a rocket through the roof, which then collapses and kills a bunch of useless Loonies. Oh, that thanks go out to Richard/Bear/Twinkie for inviting me out for a game, you fucking pricks.

I will be stealing a literary device on one of these games tonight or Saturday.

OTHER

The NBA conference finals have been bananas. All three games have been epic, and I've been lucky enough to catch the end of all of them. Probably will do the same this weekend.

Finally watched the "Lost" season finale. I'm now dumber. I have no fucking clue what is happening. How are they possibly going to wrap this up????