Best Investment Ever?

No, I'm actually not referring to the Brewers signing Ryan Braun to a gigantic extension through 2020 (more on that in a second). I'm referring to the Ryan Braun jersey that I purchased two years ago. I'm always tormented when I go to buy a jersey of another grown man. Mostly because I don't want to get stuck with a horrible jersey a year or two later.

That $75 or whatever it was was sweet. I'm going to get TWELVE years out of that fucker. It might actually fall apart before he's gone or dead! I actually wish I would've dropped $200 on an authentic one now.

Onto the signing itself. I LOVE the message it sends, and I love Ryan Braun. Also I love Mark Attanasio. Honestly, in 2019 when Braun is making something like $16 million, it might end up badly. But would you rather have Braun making $16 million in 2019, or a 350 lb first basement making 20? Does this have anything to do with Prince? Probably not, but I feel a little bit like there might be a message here to Prince and to other Brewer players present and future. If you play well, and want to play here, we will try to pay you. Braun expressed an interest to be a Brewer for life, even though he just signed an extension through 2015 like five minutes ago. In exchange for a little more money now, he gave up the right to hold a gun to the Brewer's head in 4 years, and potentially make a little more money for the last few years. It is possible if Braun continues to progress, and inflation continues, he might have made $25 mil or so by the end of this thing. The message to Prince is "We gave you this offer two years ago and you balked because Boras promised you more money, so fuck you. We aren't giving you anything." Now, it is very questionable whether this message will mean anything. Because someone is probably going to be paying Fielder what he wants. But the Brewers likely could've waited on this. I feel like they wanted Fielder around when they gave Braun $10 million extra dollars yesterday.

Seriously though, this deal is another in a long line of deals that would've never happened under previous ownership. There is a serious commitment to winning, and a serious commitment to keeping their stars, that hasn't ever been seen in Milwaukee. I'm thrilled about that, even if Braun is hitting .212 in limited playing time in 2020.

MLB DODGERS

I'm not a Dodger fan, so I can just sit back an laugh at that disaster. I did want to throw this out though. Was McCourt "borrowing money for payroll", which seemed to clearly be a cry for help (if this is in fact true), done with the intent to get MLB to step in, thereby likely driving down the value of the Dodgers? Here is my thinking. He is going through a horrendous divorce. I can speak from experience that people that are going through a divorce lose their fucking minds. They will do idiotic things, that cost them thousands of dollars (for a normal person, millions for the McCourts), just so the spouse gets less. In this case, since Ms. McCourt is entitled to half, would the absurdly rich Frank drive down the value of this asset to fuck over Ms. McCourt? Probably not, since the Dodgers might only be a drop in the bucket for these two rich assholes. But as I said, people in the midst of a divorce are fucking insane.

REAL WORLD: VEGAS

Yes, I watch the Real World. It is one of the perks to being married to a woman that would watch just about anything if there was an MTV logo in the corner. I have an excuse to watch the Real World (because I'm forced to. What am I supposed to do, go in the bedroom? The TV is all small in there!). Anyway, this season has been really solid. We've been waiting since episode one for this one kid Dustin's big secret to be revealed. Which is that he's been in gay porn. Which is fucking hilarious. We see on the previews that it gets revealed in the next episode. The snippet might have been the funniest thing I've ever seen on TV, but let me set it up for you if you haven't seen the show at all.

Dustin is a gooney white dude from the South. He immediately started a "relationship" with a girl on the show, and they've been "hooking up" (I added the quotes because what I really meant is that they have known each other for five minutes, have been locked in a suite at the Hard Rock, got bored and drunk and fucked a whole bunch). So by all accounts he is straight. In the preview they show, the girl says "Is there something you want to tell me about your past?" Response (sounds like it is in his head) "She knows!". Girl "You are all over the Internet having sex. With guys." Dustin's response (which should win him a fucking Emmy) "A guy."

There you have it. In 2011, you aren't gay if you only had sex with ONE guy. I texted my brother "Best justification for gay porn ever." He replied "He could've told her he wasn't the catcher." Which would've been good too. You should probably watch next Thursday at 9 central, or one of the 7500 times they replay it. It is going to be epic. Prediction: he talks his way out of it and the girl fucks him again by the end of the episode because she is a stupid whore.

Pirates Have Short Man's Syndrome

I got this from the local sports talk show this morning, so you'll have to forgive the information if it is completely fucking erroneous. But I am too lazy to look it up, so I'm just going to speculate. Allegedly, after Monday night's "retaliation" on Jeff Karstens, Karstens was being interviewed. In the background, some asshole named Delwyn Young (not to be confused with bat throwing Delmon Young, which of course, the local radio show did) yelled out "tell them that Ryan Braun is a coward." Can someone explain to me why the Pirates would be pissed at Braun over this? Or why Braun gets booed every time he comes up in Pittsburgh? Pretty sure all Braun did to "start" this was get drilled in the back with a fastball. Not sure he would have preferred that to happen over the HRs he has hit. So somehow, Braun is a coward for getting hit with a pitch. Pretty sure he doesn't have the pull it takes to order a Brewer pitcher to throw at someone three months later. Pretty sure Braun didn't actually throw any of those pitches. So I guess I don't get it.

To Braun's credit, he refused to comment.

Prince's response was something like (and I'm paraphrasing)"Who the fuck is Delwyn Young?" Both because a) Delwyn Young doesn't have the clout or respect to make comments about other, much better players and b) He literally hadn't heard of Delwyn Young until about 30 seconds earlier.

Mike Cameron said something like (and I'm paraphrasing again) "I'm not going to talk shit in the papers. I'm going to find him tomorrow." Which either means he is going to have a talk with him, or he's going to beat the shit out of him.

Either way, the Pirates suck. I am going to be starting in RF for them after Cameron ends his career.

Prince Can Hit the Ball Far

Is it strange to feel proud that Prince Fielder won the home run derby? Should I be as happy as I am being a Brewer fan? To be genuinely excited that he and Braun appear to like eachother as Braun was the first one to home plate (beating a bunch of shit head little kids) to do their little fake boxing match celebration? Does this mean that Prince would tell Scott Boras to get bent and take a small discount to stay in Milwaukee after his contract is up? A lot of unanswered questions that were spawned by a three hour long batting practice. Lets just hope Prince doesn't go Bobby Abreu a few years back and hit like 2 HRs after the break.

I'll probably watch most of the All-Star game tonight. Only because there isn't shit else to do, and summer TV is painful.

Nelson Cruz looked genuinely unhappy that Prince beat him. I heard last night that he is 29. Is that fucking true? Then I'm much less impressed with how far he can hit.

So You're Saying There's a Chance!?!

The Hebrew Hammer turned down a chance to hammer a bunch of random sluts on TV. It's probably much better to have been invited and turned down the chance to have America realize that baseball players aren't that bright (I have no actual knowledge of if he is bright or not). It shows you are a semi-celebrity, and aren't so full of yourself that you need to be on TV. Plus, he already has hoes in different area codes, so he probably doesn't need any desperate to marry him. He just has to deal with the ones poking holes in this condoms (assuming he actually uses such a thing). This story just made Susuan Sarandon do a silent fist pump.

Ryan Braun: Hebrew Hammer/Fashionista

Ummm....As much as I love Ryan Braun, which is about as much as I can love another male and not be gay, I don't see myself spending $119.00 on a ridiculous T-shirt with skulls and shit all over it that looks like gang graffiti. I don't really get it. But maybe I'm just not "California Couture". I guess if it is good enough for Braun (why is he lighting himself on fire?) and Method Man, it should be good enough for me. Maybe once this blog takes off....

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #15

Fuckin A! This picture pretty much says it all. I would also like to point out that Trevor Hoffman is fucking fun to watch when he plays for your team. He is really, really good. Oh, and fuck the Cubs.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #10

Not alot of time today. The boss is going to come bother me in about 2 minutes. I just wanted to say that I haven't been that anxious during a Brewer game since the playoffs last year. Nice to do something that matters again. Bush will run out and give up 6 runs in 4 innings in his next start, because that is what he does. Ryan Braun is absolutely ripping the cover off the ball.

DRAFT STUFF:

Supposed to be 59 and raining tomorrow, which sort of sucks I guess. At least walking between bars. They did a "mock draft" on the local radio show today, and the guy took B.J. Raji when Michael Crabtree was available. Man, I don't know if I could leave Crabtree on the board. He seems to be a pretty unique talent to me. Imagine a Jennings/Crabtree combo for the next 10 years? Yikes.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #8

That wasn't a very good game again last night. I left to get my haircut for like 15 minutes, and Parra had given up 4 already. It almost wasn't even worth watching. And of course, while the game was just about to get away, I flipped over to Cavs/Pistons and got sucked in watching LeBron for like 5 minutes, and I missed the Hammer's homer. At least Braun seems to have gotten his head out of his ass. I'll take 4-4 w/ 2HRs all day. R.J. Swindle's debut didn't go so hot. Sure, he struck out Ryan Howard for his first career strikeout, and he got hosed on a couple of bad calls at the plate in the Utley at-bat. But that wild pitch and subsequent wild toss over home plate that cost another run wasn't too good. Swindle however has cemented in my head that if the world is ever so unfortunate that I bring a son into this world, I will tie his right arm behind his back and tie a weight around his left wrist and force him to be a submarining lefty. Swindle throws SIXTY FIVE for fuck sake. And he struck out 7 on 28 pitches in his last AAA appearance.

The Brewers suck hairy balls this year so far. My level of worry is about 6 out of 10. (And I know it is only April 22).

One Bastard's Illegitimate Thoughts

- Big rumor this week in GB is the Pack trying to trade for Jason Taylor. I would be surprised to see Thompson give up any kind of draft pick in a trade. He hoards draft picks like they are the only known cure for zombie bites, and he knows something that I don't. That being said, when you have the opportunity to add someone of his caliber (even though he is on the downside of his career), and it is going to improve your team right now, then you probably need to do it. I would consider even a second round pick. This is totally a move one makes in Madden, when you have a guy that starts, and his backup that are ranked like 84 each(KGB or Jenkins), but you can add a guy in free agency that is ranked 90, you do it whether you really need to or not because it makes your whole team better. In this case, I would make goddamn fucking sure he played at least two years though. Maybe a new contract with a really low base salary, but a huge roster bonus next year?

- Neddy very nearly fucked that one up. I can't really argue with removing Bush. And probably nearly everything else he did. But why put a sub par pitcher in after a sub par guy fucked up right before? Either way, Torres arm better be as rubber as everyone says, cuz Yosty is going to be running him out there for 3 innings a game pretty soon because he is trying desperately to keep his job. 39-33 is not too fucking bad really. I just don't like Yost.

-What was the Blue Jays outfielder doing on that fake in the park homer by Prince?

-I would probably let Russell the Muscle watch when I jerk off Ryan Braun. He is that good right now. Wait, was that gay?

-I won $60 playing poker last night.

Rodgers on NFL Network

Happened to come upon an interview between Aaron Rodgers and Rich Eisen on NFL All Access last night. It was mostly boring, Rodgers droning on, saying all the right things, etc. Then, out of the blue, Eisen asks: "Is that a mullet you have?" Rodgers reply: "Not yet." Love that answer more than anything. Not yet. Meaning that he will at some point have one. This is a great development, I think.

Later, Eisen questioned him on how that wasn't a mullet, and Rodgers explained to him the intricacies of "business in the front, party in the back". Eisen says: "Looks like you got the party in the back part down." Rodgers replies: "I got all kinds of party back there."

The more I hear Rodgers talk about hairstyles and mustaches, the more I love the guy. He is my second favorite person on a sports team right now besides Ryan Braun.

NOTE: I couldn't find a good Rodgers hair picture without Favre in it (and he is dead I hear).

The Bourne Thievery

-Last night on the Brewers telecast, Bill Schroeder, on more than one occasion, referred to Astros OF Michael Bourn as Jason Bourne. I think this shows that Bill has the same 12 year-old brain that is shared by my wife and I who had been making that joke all season.

-Our "leadoff" hitter is 0-7, 3K, HBP in last two games. I'm just sayin'. And I thought it was interesting to note that Weeks leads the league in HBP, and is second in outs. (To be fair he is 9th in runs too, but that probably has to do with the HBP. And Braun hitting behind him.)

-"The Committee" is 5-1. Gagne is 11-7.

-Did anyone see Ted Simmons and Ned Yost screaming at each other in the dugout? I swear Teddy called Neddy a faggot as he was leaving.

-I am about to run 6 miles. It was nice knowing you.

-I am not at all looking forward to the three week media fellatio that is going to be the Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals. I am openly rooting for the Lakers, even though I hate them too. I just can't stand Boston fan.

-Songs for Twins: Brian Bass: "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash-- "Bass. White lines, blowing through my mind."

Quick Brewer Post

-Weeks Watch: 2-5, K, 2R, HR, RBI, SB, 16 Total Pitches (Season: .206/.686) Is he turning the corner?

-ALLEGEDLY, Gagne is injured. Blessing in disguise? I feel that maybe even if one of these lower level guys was given the title of "closer" while Gagne was healthy, they would always be looking over their shoulder because there is a $10M dude sitting behind them that the GM obviously wants to be the guy. It is going to take pressure off them.

-Ryan Braun is spectacular. Big Ben is huge.

-Playoff chances are up to 9%

The Hebrew Hammer

8 yrs, 45 million. Worth every penny. He will be underpaid by the end of this thing. Welcome to 8 years of contending. Great news.

(Ed. Note: This is a quote from Attanasio that appeared in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel this morning: In a year in which teams are locking up young players with long-term contracts nearly every week, Attanasio reported no progress on talks with leftfielder Ryan Braun and first baseman Prince Fielder. But he said the team hasn't given up, either. Liar, Liar.)

The Morning Dump Vol. 2

- The Brewers appear to be firmly out of their slump. They hammered the Cards' ace last night (with the help of a timely error).

-My torrid, non-sexual, love affair with Ryan Braun is officially heating up again. 4HRs in 6 ABs will do that to a guy. I have as many feelings as one man can legally have for another in the state of Wisconsin. ETA on when I have a Ryan Braun jersey is under 30 days.

-Oh, and forget what I had to say about Mitchy Stetter in any sort of closer role (21 pitches, 16 balls, will do that to a guy).

-The Brewers had FOUR people in their starting lineup with a BA under the Mendoza line. Weeks (.188), Hall (.199), Cameron (.180) and Bush. That is pretty unacceptable for a major league team in mid-May. NO thought on Yost's part to at least shuffle the lineup a little, or to give Gwynn more starts.

-Starting a new feature here, the daily Weeks update where I write down Weeks line last night and then I point and laugh, and then throw something across the room. Last night: 0 for 4, saw 11 TOTAL PITCHES, GIDP, 0 BB, 0 HBP (solid effort). Season: .188, 5HR, 13RBI, .654 OPS (on base plus slugging percentage, .750 is considered average for all players, .650 is considered poor, a good leadoff man is usually above .750).

-A little confused on how Mota got a save last night. I think the way it works is if the number of guys on base + the man at bat + number of outs left= the # of runs you are up you get a save. Mota came in with bases loaded with two outs, up by five. Either way, I guess that makes "The Committee" 2-0, and Gagne 10-7. Gagne sucked again last night by the way.

-That dunk by LeBron in the 4th last night was spectacular.

-Asdrubal Cabrera's unassisted triple play was the 14th in MLB history, which is insane.

-Friday afternoon I am leaving to go to Syttende Mai in Stoughton, WI, which I guess is Norwegian independence day or some shit. Playing in the annual golf tournament which is called Shit-In-My-Eye which a bunch of college buddies. The tournament usually involves carts tipping over and at least one person being hit with a golf ball. Inevitably, I get black out drunk and puke. This year will be the wife's inaugural (and probably last) appearance.

Someone woke Neddy up from his Five Year Slumber

Apparently, somebody nudged Neddy and let him know that he has a baseball team to manage. At this point, the only obvious thing he is doing that I can't stand is batting Weeks in the leadoff spot. The decision to FINALLY pull Gagne and go with closer by committee is welcomed. I am also incredibly impressed with his decision to yank Torres in the middle of the inning yesterday. It shows that he actually does want to win games, although part of me is curious why he refused to ever do this with his "closer". Whatever, it worked yesterday. I still think Mota is the best candidate, and that Stetter might be a better lefty option than Shouse, but I am actually going to give Yost some slack here. Especially if he is quick with the hook. What I don't want to see is him going lefty on lefty in the ninth all the time if the righty option is pitching well. That tends to get dangerous. My other worry is that we aren't going to have 5 options going into the ninth all the time (especially when anyone but Sheets is pitching). Still, and upgrade over Gagne. I am interested to see how he uses Gagne now. For the rest of the year, I am going to keep a tally on how the Gagne v. Closer By Committee thing works: So far the Crew is 10-7 in games where Gagne comes in to "close" or when the game is tied, etc. and 1-0 with the "committee".

PS. Ryan Braun is starting to remind me of the guy that played 3B for the Brewers last year (minus all the errors of course). Very, very good sign.

Seriously.

A couple of things from yesterday's Brewer abortion.

- They will never be as good as the Cardinals until Yost is gone. La Russa can make the tough decisions like telling his closer of 5 years to have a seat when he isn't performing. Yost can't do that for whatever reason. Also, I don't know what the fuck happened in the 8th inning with Hall. It seems that Kendall missed the sign. Hindsight is 20/20, and if that worked, we would all be talking about what a great move it was. Still, things like this tend to happen way too often with this team, and not just with Kendall.

- Officially, Gagne sucks. Here is what he had to say yesterday, with a typical response from our faithful leader:

"I don't deserve that ninth inning right now. It's pretty simple," Gagne
said.

The beleaguered reliever was slumped in his locker room chair with his
eyes closed for several minutes before putting his hands on his head. After a
clubhouse official asked if he wanted to talk, he told reporters he doesn't need
a "mental break" like Cardinals counterpart Jason Isringhausen asked for on Friday night.

"I don't need breaks. I need to keep going out there. I need results," said Gagne, who has a major league-leading five blown saves along with Isringhausen. "I get myself in a situation, in a jam, every single time I'm out there. You can't pitch like
that."

"I am never nervous in that situation. I love that situation. I have been
blessed with that opportunity a lot since I've been here and have been fortunate
to come through in a lot of the situations I've been in," Ludwick said. "I feel
like that's what baseball is all about -- that situation, being in that moment."

Gagne said his struggles have been embarrassing for him.
"Every time we get a little momentum, I come out there and kill that rally," Gagne said. "It's a matter of going out there and executing your pitches -- not thinking results -- and I'm thinking results. I'm going out there thinking three outs before I
can even get one."

"Closing is an emotional job," Gagne said. "It's a roller coaster. You do
good, you're a hero. You do bad, you're a zero."

Brewers manager Ned Yost refused to pull Gagne from the closer's role immediately after the game.
"I don't sit here and make decisions five minutes after a tough loss. I'll sit and
think," Yost said. "You guys have known me long enough, I take a long time to
analyze things and give everybody the benefit of the doubt and try to make the
right decision."

- The only bright side yesterday was Braun getting 3 hits, including two doubles. Of course he couldn't get a hit with the bases loaded.

Those cocksuckers got me back into it after the big win Friday, looked good (although they still didn't actually drive in any runs) coming back. Only to have Gagne choke on it. They are so frustrating. Oh, and I called it yesterday, didn't I?