Loaf's Top Ten Managers OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!

This is a list of my top ten baseball managers of all time. It has nothing to do with quality, it is simply based on the influence each manager had on my life. Plus, the fact that I like looking at pictures of these strange looking men.*

*I think this sentence sounds funny, but I couldn't make it not sound gay. I think pictures of managers are funny. Sue me!

10. Ozzie Guillen

Just fun to listen to him talk and he did this for me. Percent chance that one day Ozzie becomes bench coach for Ron Gardenhire, or vice versa, 60%?


9. Lou Piniella*

I really liked that 1990 Cincinnati Reds team with Eric Davis, Barry Larkin, Chris Sabo, and the Nasty Boys. Then he managed the Seattle Mariners during the Griffey years. Now he is the senile manager of baseball's sorriest team.

* Number 9 and 10, teamed up to make this.

8. Ned Yost

I just love how he was fired with a week to go in the season, while in the midst of a pennant run. That says a lot. Also, enjoyed that constant grumbling about him from the less fortunate brewers fans.

7. Sparky Anderson

His inclusion on the list has nothing to do with the Big Red Machine. He's the only thing I can remember from the Tigers team that the Twins beat in 1987. I know the Tigers had Jack Morris, but I have no memory of him actually doing anything in 1987. How many cigarettes has this guy smoked in his life? 10 million?

6. Whitey Herzog

The other half of the managers the Twins faced in 1987. God, he loved stolen bases. I don't know why I think he wears Hawaiian shirts in his free time.

5. Tony La Russa

Just been around forever and always has good teams. I think it's safe to say that I have been overexposed to Tony La Russa.* Too much can be a bad thing, ask Tony.

*No one has ever admitted that. I watch too much baseball.

4. Tom Kelly*

He should be higher in this list, but I never actually cared for him. Did win two World Series, but also coached some of the worst teams in baseball history. He loved shitty white guys and has passed this trait down to higher members of this list.

*This picture was the 6th picture when I googled Tom Kelly. I can see the resemblance.

3. Cito Gaston

Terrible manager on awesome teams. Looks funny, never heard him speak before. Took like a 12 year hiatus to come back to a job he was fired from. Doesn't age (at least in my mind). 79th most wins by a manager of all time. Just an interesting man.

2. Dan Alipierto*

My junior varsity baseball coach. He was great. When my regular jv coach was fired for having an affair with a student (true), Mr. Alipierto was summoned from the Mounds View YMCA to coach a rag tag team of misfits in an ultra-competitive Minnesota baseball league. His first act as coach was to eliminate all calistenics and to encourage swearing. He would taunt opposing teams and would hang out afterwards. I found his driver's license on the ground and used it for a fake i.d. when I was 17. Of course, we went undefeated and I had the best baseball season of my life. He was my Ozzie Guillen.

*Interestingly he was recently in the news for a new baseball team that he coaches.

1. Ron Gardenhire

As my life settles down, one thing remains constant. The Minnesota Twins. Right now it's me and Gardy. We will grow old together.

I know too much about his tendencies. I know what he is gonna say in a press conference. I know who he thinks his best middle infielder is. I know he likes to get kicked out of games. I know he thinks the closer only pitches in save situations. I know his players try hard for him. I know he likes intensity and intangibles. I know he's the best manager in Twins history (sigh). I know he can't beat that Yankees. I just don't know why?

So Long It's Been Good To Know You

I was watching the Twins' game while surfing the web when I learned some information about my favorite "planet" from Yahoo!. Apparently, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has decided on the term "plutoid" as a name for dwarf planets like Pluto. As most of you know, Pluto was demoted to dwarf status in August 2004. This infuriated me because the elitists at the IAU had the nerve to cast aside a planet that had worked so hard to become the nine pizzas that my very educated mother just served us. Plus, in fourth grade my group was assigned to build a model of Pluto and write a report for a class project about the solar stem. I have built quite an affinity for the tiny, wayward planet and am distraught about its path into irrelevance.

Of course, this got me thinking about the Twins. I started to wonder which current member of the Twins is destined to experience the same fate as Pluto. The criteria was simple. The player once had to actually be good and now suck to the point of demotion (the suck part is easier because just about every Twin does right now). I scoured their roster and one named just jumped out at me; Juan Rincon. This man is Pluto. He was once a key member of the bullpen but is now reduced to the dwarf planet status that comes with being the 13th member of a 13 man pitching staff. Recently, Ron Gardenhire has pledged that once interleague play begins the Twins will go back to a 12 man staff. This, more than likely, means Rincon will be cast aside with the rest of the plutoids, a.k.a the Rochester Red Wings.

That was kind of fun. I wonder who the Brewers' plutoids are. Billy Hall comes to mind. Derek Turnbow, too. Any thoughts?

Update: Rincon has moved one step closer to becoming a plutoid.

Memo To Bill Smith

With the AL Central title available to anyone who wants to take it, I think it's time for the Twins to address some of their shortcomings; the most glaring of which, is third base. Mike Lamb is currently hitting .238/.273/.320 and it's becoming increasingly clear that he is best used as a part time player. I know that completing a trade is a lot more complicated than the average blogger would like, but maybe the Twins should take a look at this guy or this guy. Or maybe they should just call up him or him. All four of these guys should be able to put up comparable numbers to "The Hammer", with the plus side being that they might actually improve (what a novel concept). Alas, it is well known that the most important statistic for Ron Gardenhire (especially for position players) is service time, so it's hard to believe that anything is actually going to happen. After all, Mike Lamb has a track record.

State of the Twins

Amazingly, Juice stole my idea. I won't let that stop me from recapping what has been a pleasant start to the season for the Minnesota Twins. I will preface this by saying that if I had written this five days ago, I would have been a lot more negative. I'm glad I waited. Here goes.

The Twins currently stand in first place in the AL Central. This is a tremendous surprise. The beginning of the season has been filled with a lot of disappointments, mixed with a lot of intrigue, with little to be excited about. That is until recently. The Twins now stand at 16-14 and are coming off homestand in which they swept all five games from the White Sox and Tigers. All this has happened with only three starting pitchers and an offense that would finish fourth in the River Falls Lower Division Men's Softball League.* Color me pickled tink.

*League play for Emma's Bar begins on Tuesday, May 6 at Hoffman Park in River Falls, WI. Bring your tubas!!!

The Lineup: It has been pretty bad so far as the Twins are 13th in the American League in runs scored, T-13th in home runs, 14th in on-base percentage and 10th in slugging percentage. On the plus side we are 3rd in batting average (.266, sooooooooo good!!!) and 3rd in steals. Carlos Gomez has been fun to watch, but needs to get a clue at the plate and quit swinging at sliders in the dirt. He seems to be getting a little better of late, as he has only 2 strike outs in his last 6 games after wearing the golden sombrero in Oakland. Joe Mauer (from here on, Butt Stink) has been very good, especially during the Twins recent surge. He would be even better if Abner Doubleday hadn't invented the second basemen. Justin Morneau is third in the A.L. in home runs and 13th in slugging, which pleases me. In fact, when I recently cast my all star vote, I chose him on merit and not on my usual Twins bias. The rest of the lineup has been more or less horrendous with a few glimmers of hope (Brendan Harris, Jason Kubel, Matt Tolbert) and a few flops (Delmon Young hits like Chuck Knoblauch).

The Rotation: We have three starters!!!. There names are Livan Hernandez, Boof Bonser and Nick Blackburn. I'm not sure why, but this seems ominous. These guys have been doing fine so far, but I am extremely skeptical that they will keep up this level of success. Combine this with the disaster that is Francisco Liriano and the fact that Scott Baker has the face and body of an eight-year-old boy and there isn't that much hope for the Twins pitching to get much better. The good news is that Twins' starters do have been generally effective and Kevin Slowey is about to return from the disabled list on Thursday; not to mention the plethora of options there are in the minor leagues. Basically, so far so good, but we need some help.

The Bullpen: This has always been the trademark of all recent Twins' teams. It is a major reason for the success of the starting rotation and their record in close games. This year, however, there have been a few meltdowns (the whole series at Detroit). This is a little disconcerting, especially considering the current status of the rotation. I think that these meltdowns are merely aberrations based on the bullpens performance in the rest of the games. Joe Nathan continues to prove that he is the best closer in baseball (11/11 saves, 1 ER) and I bet he is reminding Brewers fans that they maybe should have tried to trade for him during the offseason before he got his new deal. Oh well, they all can' be Eric Gagne.

Coaching: I think that Ron Gardenhire is one of the best game managers in baseball. He knows how to use a pitching staff and he isn't afraid to be aggressive on offense. I just have one bone to pick. QUIT PLAYING NICK PUNTO!!! He isn't good. I don't quite understand the infatuation. I know he tries hard and makes nice defensive plays, but he hits like he's batting from the wrong side of the plate and he's a switch hitter. Let's just relegate him to pinch runner and defensive replacement for Mike Lamb and leave the hitting to the less experienced Matt Tolbert. On a side note, Gardy might be looking over his shoulder a little bit due to the phenomenal job Scott Ulger did while managing in his absence.

Overall, I am super excited just because the Twins are in first place. I bought season tickets this year with the realization that I was going to watch a young team struggle and learn while losing a lot of games. Every day that they are in first place makes every game I attend way more riviting just because of the allure of a potential pennant race. I just hope the mathemeticians have it right and we stick to our, as of now, projected record of 87-75 and the rest of the division continues plays under .500 baseball. But as someone once said, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.