Non-Holiday, Holiday

I am coming to you LIVE from an office somewhere in Northeast Wisconsin! I'm going to be fairly quick since I have some work that I am being forced to do even though it is a non-holiday, holiday. Today is testing my theory, and what will be my platform until the day I die, that if there is a major sporting event on television in the middle of the day in a sport that doesn't regularly do such things, then people should not have to work that day. Exhibits 1a and 1b today are the fact that Wisconsin AND Creighton both play at 1 p.m. today. And it isn't like they are playing asshole non-conference tournaments either. UW is at Michigan and CU is at Indiana St. (although sadly, Bird is not walking through that door). I think Bucky goes down in a tight one, and this is the type of game that the Bluejays lose every year, especially when on a 9 game winning streak.

If you think I'm not going to be monitoring both games closely while fake working, you are dead wrong.

After that, I will be whisked away to "celebrate" New Year's with one of my wife's friends, her husband, and their kid. Good times.

Courtroom dominance

Just got back from successfully prosecuting two cases. Both were earth shattering minor consumings, which are misdemeanors. Appearantly these 2 children were hell bent on taking me to trial, WITHOUT ATTORNEYS, and to make things better, they waived their right to a jury trial (which in legal terms, is better known as a slow guilty plea). At one point, one of the kids called his mother as a witness and she preceded to talk about the 1/2 of beer he drank that night, which effectively proved my case for me. NOt to mention both kids had ADMITTED to the cop they were drinking and both agreed to take PBT tests with the results showing EVERCLEAR like results (just kidding, they were .02 and .03). The lesson as always is people who are not attorneys and refuse to pay for one are dumbasses. The mother preceded to go on a rant (and crying) about her son signing up for the National Guard and how he could have been sent to Iraq and sent home in a wooden box, but couldn't drink a 1/2 of beer in a hotel. At one point I nearly shouted out "DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?" just to see if she was listening to me. But, I kept my mouth shut and let her talk. (Author's note: I do think it is kind of messed up that 18 year old kids can fight in the military and not legally drink a beer at a bar in the United States, but I thought it was more important to punish these kids for wasting my time instead of dismissing the case). The judge ruled from the bench approximately 1.3 seconds after the Defendant waived his closing argument. The best part was, I had to present the identical case against his girlfriend approximately 4 seconds after the first case was completed. The girlfriend did not call any witnesses. So my countless seconds (not minutes or hours) of preparation paid off. So, here's my tribute to the constitution and the 2 kids who wasted my time today exercising their constitutional rights.

And while we are here:

Atlanta OVER Arizona
Minnesota OVER Philly (Screw the experts)
Miami OVER Baltimore (GO PHINS!)
San Diego OVER Indy (even though I hate Phil Rivers)

One final note: I was 3 picks back in my "all or nothing" football pool heading into last weekend. Nobody above me scored in the final week (meaning they missed at least one game of the games they picked). Well, I didn't score either thanks to my shitty Tampa Bay pick. If I had picked 3 FOR SURE games like Pittsburgh OVER Cleveland, New England OVER Buffalo AND Green Bay OVER Detroit, I would have won over 400 buckaroos. The reason I didn't...I'm stupid and finished in 4th, good for $0. On the other hand, I won my other league for an additional 60 clams.

Defeated!

Had a great time at the game yesterday watching the historic demise of one of the Packers' oldest rivals. I am proud that I got to be a part of it. I was also glad to get some perspective from a real, live Detroit Lions fan! 0-16 is unbelievably terrible. 6-10 isn't a whole lot better, but I need a day, or week, or month to savor a victory before turning to trying to fix us. I also need a day or so to roll around in the tears of Lion fans.

The playoffs are going to be awkward this year, with two of the prohibitive favorites in the preseason, not making it in. With Dallas exploding themselves everywhere, and New England somehow not getting in the playoffs despite being 11-5, this thing is going to be wide open. There isn't one team I can point to and say that they should roll into the Super Bowl.

RANDOM RANT:

I show up to work this morning after five glorious days off to find that someone made fucking coffee in the office coffee maker without using the fucking basket that is supposed to hold the filter/coffee grounds. They just put the filter right above the pot, which creates a problem: the filter is smaller than the hole above the pot(so it can fit into the basket) and because this is the case, when the water begins to pour over the grounds, the fucking filter loses its shape and spills coffee grounds 1) into the coffee pot (which is, in fact, the whole point of the filter/basket system, to AVOID coffee grounds in your coffee) and 2)all over the fucking inside of the coffee maker under where the basket is supposed to go. This is the second time this has happened in the last two weeks. Typically, I make the morning coffee because I am a piss-on that shows up early, and am the first one in that drinks coffee. But SOMEONE that obviously doesn't understand the complicated dynamics of a coffee maker is leaving a goddamn mess that I have to clean up in order to make the next pot of coffee. Which by the way, is fucking impossible because the inside of the coffee maker has all sorts of little plastic compartments that are about 1/8 of an inch wide that you can't clean the grounds out of. This, in turn, leads to coffee grounds in my fucking coffee, which really, really pisses me off. I have thought about leaving a note, but I don't want to "bite the hand that feeds me", by insulting someone that pays me. But fucking seriously. It isn't that hard to put the basket in first. Am I asking too much here?

Picks and Prediction

Last Week: 8-8
Season: 119-115-6

Atl (-14), NE (-6), Cin (-3), GB (-10.5), Ind (-3), NYG (+7), NO (-2.5), Pit (-11), TB (-13), Chi (-2.5), Was (+3), Bal (-12.5), NYJ (-2.5), Phi (-1.5), Ari (-7), SD (+8)

That's all I got.

Packers BIG.

Game Preview: Packers v. Lions

So I'm going to the game Sunday with Sir Richard, his girlfriend, and some random fuck who Richard allegedly knows that is a Lions fan. This means Richard knows at least two Lions fans which is insane. Either way, history is going to be made on Sunday. Either we witness the culmination of the worst season in professional sports history, or I will be spending a bunch of time in prison after I run onto the field and commit a number of unspeakable felonies.

A few interesting notes about the game:

The Packers have won SIXTEEN straight against the Lions in GB. The last time the Lions won in Green Bay was 1991. According to my recollections, this will be the 21st Packer game I have been to. I have been to only one previous Packer/Lion game, and coincidentally, and that game was on December 15, 1991.... Um. Is that a bad omen?

Weather is supposed to be 25 degrees. With a strong wind. Which, if in our face, would fucking suck.

Hoping to get totally blasted. That's really all I got. Just wanted to point out that the Packers are 0-1 against the Lions in games I've been to, and they've won 16 straight, and I'm only 28 which makes that statistic really, really, unlikely.

Merry Frickin' Christmas Boys and Girls!

So it technically isn't Christmas yet, but I'm off of work until Monday, and the family get togethers begin tonight, so close enough. Pretty excited about having to brave six inches of snow to get to my folks house tonight, and fighting with my wife about who has to drive home. My plan is to do about eight shots in the first hour so I am too drunk to drive.

Last night I finally broke down and got a new snowblower. My old one that I got for $50 two years ago broke, and was not repairable. So we headed out to the box stores last night to look. Eventually my wife forced me to get the more expensive model of the type we were looking at. I haven't used it yet (although it is slowing like a mother outside right now) but I'm pretty sure there is an option that sucks my dick.

RANDOM BEER REVIEW: Leinenkugel's "1888 Bock"

The bottom line is that it is tasty as fuck. Not the best beer I've ever had, but definitely among the best Leinie's. I didn't pour it into a glass, but it tastes like it is a brown-ish color. Tastes more like a Scotch Ale than a Bock. When I think of a bock, I normally think of a really, really dark beer. Like most Leinie's products, its lighter than that, but has alot of taste. I would highly recommend it. Plus its got a sweet fluorescent green label, with grass and shit on it, so it feels like spring.

SUNDAY WEATHER REPORT: High of 27, Sunny

They Finally Did It...

...They finally gave me an ulcer. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. They are inventing ways to lose now. They didn't even play that poorly. It would be pretty hard to point at one thing (other than I suppose the blocked 38 yard field goal) and place blame. At least in past weeks you could say, "the defense sucked balls", or "the offensive line didn't block". If you had to pin it on something I guess it would be special teams in general, I dunno. Seriously though, I thought a hole was going to be burned in my stomach last night, and it just kicked back up while writing this post. These last five weeks have been incredible. Even the MNF announcers couldn't explain how the Bears won.

More general bitching/observations:

1) McCarthy is a Lions loss away from me gaining 100 lbs, hiding his body, and showing up on the sidelines next year.

2) For all the great catches Driver has made this year, he dropped a HUGE one last night.

3) Ryan Grant isn't very good.

4) We actually had very few penalties last night, which was nice for a change.

5) How the fuck does a 38 yarder get blocked?

6) I completely agree with letting the clock run down at the end rather than throwing it around and chancing a fluke turnover.

7) A-Rodg is finally getting some respect from the MNF crew.

8) The Bears' offense is TERRRRRRIBLE--Bill Walton

9) That "horsecollar" call on Rouse was a crock of shit.

10) Why were there not TWO penalties on Adrian Peterson on that hit out of bounds. Shouldn't there have been a 15 yarder for late hit out of bounds, AND a horsecollar?

11) Why can our defense dominate for 3.5 quarters, and then make Matt Forte look like Barry Sanders?

12) Prediction for next week: Packers up 20-14 with :43 seconds left. Lions have the ball on their own 12. Orvlosky throws a 12 yard out to Calvin Johnson. Calvin Johnson pulls a gun out of his waistband and shoots all of our defenders to score the winning TD (ala "The Last Boy Scout").


And if that doesn't happen, and we still lose, that might be me out on the field.

Ladies and Gentlemen! Your Orenthal James Simpson Football Association champion, The White Broncos! Yes, thank you, thank you. My shorthanded team of miscreants destroyed the Twinkies in impressive fashion thanks solely to Dr. Phillip Rivers, MoJo Drew and Tennessee's defense. Everyone else on my team shit the bed, but thanks to the Iggles (one half of Twinkies team) I was able to pull it out. It is worth mentioning that I obtained Phil and MoJo in a trade FROM Twinkie for Donovan McNabb and FatDale White. My pair outscored his something like 50 to 20. Victory is sweet. I am probably either going to spend the money on blow or a new snowblower, I haven't decided.

Championship MVP goes to Dr. Phillip for his 284yd, 4TD performance. He joins Donovan McNabb in '07 and Marvin Harrison in '06 as past winners. (Which doesn't bode well for him).

SI Review

I'll begin my weekly snoozefest by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Who still needs to Christmas shop? I do. I've pretty much put an end to all packed parking lots, screaming children and long lines. My shopping is done online. Anyways, I'd like to give a happy birthday shout out to (the Sports Bottle's) savior, Jesus Christ. I appreciate you dying for my sins, although I wouldn't be born for another almost 2000 years but, from what I understand, there was a disclaimer that you also died for everyone's sins for the rest of eternity. Dude, seriously, you rock. I don't think I'd have the balls. That must have seriously hurt. But, as David Cross said, why wouldn't you do it? But we won't get into that.

Moving on...

I'm mildly aroused by the cover of this week's edition, and not because they're gonna discuss the "Steel Curtain II." I'm excited about the Vegas related article. We'll get to that later.

(I have the Patriots/Cardinals game on the tube right now. Leinart is just an awkward looking QB. 44-0 Patriots.)

In the Leading Off section we see a picture of the Nebraska women's volleyball team approximately 1.5 seconds after they won some big match. I always find it surprising how similar male and female celebrations are in these circumstances. The only real difference is the shrieking level. But you'll always have the awkward white guy jump (see Phil Mickelson 2004 Masters). In every male celebration you have one of two things - the smear the queer pile up or the large circle jerk where all the guys are jumping up and down in a tight circle. I prefer the pile up. The circle jerk looks completely retarded. The best celebration is the shot of the outfielders in the World Series when the 3rd out is made. They get a good five seconds of isolated celebration before they reach the mound and join in on the ass raping of any given closer.

SI Players NBA Poll - Which team will win the NBA title this season? The results were overwhelming, which did not surprise me. But the #1 choice isn't who I would've guessed. The Lakers were #1 with 67%. The Celtics had 20% and the Cavs had 4%.

Dan Patricks weekly interview - Visanthe Shiancoe. Hmmmm, I wonder what this will be about. Hold on........ Yep, the whole interview is about his junk. Just wonderful.

I've always wondered why I have this pre-conception that the Steeler D is always good. Well, I now have my answer - since 2000, the Steelers have not finished out of the top 10 in total defense. Impressive.

Ahhhh, and here's the Vegas article. The baseball winter meetings took place in Vegas this year. In case anyone doesn't know, Las Vegas is in southern Nevada and is a wonderful place to spend your time, which I will be doing in approximately 25 days from now (there are still openings in case anyone is interested). My crew this year features 3 high school friends and only a few will appreciate the cast. We have my buddy and coworker Petey. But then we also have Worm and Spensley. This, without any doubt, is an all-star cast. Each person has naturally defined roles. I have managed my anticipation beautifully. I'm at about 70% right now and articles like this only help the cause. I'm looking forward to this trip more than normal for several reasons. The last two times I went didn't go well (I have been to Vegas approximately 10 times since 2005 but did not go once in 2008). I got really sick one of those times (self inflicted) and the other time I didn't have a whole lot of money. Money won't be an issue this time. I'll have more money than I've ever had out there. And I will be well rested. I also know at least two of the other guys are big table game players, like myself. And the last reason is my buddy Petey. He's married with kids and was only able to get permission to attend this trip because of all the overtime we've worked this year. He's 99% why Worm and Spensley are going. I may try one of those Sports Guy wrap ups upon my return.

I think Chauncey Billups is a winner. He seems to be the type of player that would make any team better. AI is not that type of player.

Hockey article!!!!!! It's about the much anticipated comeback of Claude Lemieux (I spelled that right the first attempt). I will give a detailed rundown of the article upon request.

2008 Year in Sports Media. These sections are easy to read. 'The Wrestler' is the sports movie of the year. I've heard good things. I guess it's a real life look at some 80's wrestler played by Mickey Rourke.

(Leinart to Fitzgerald 76 yard touchdown. If I were in an important fantasy football game, which I'm not, and I lost because of that, I would be sooooo pissed. It's 47-0 with 6:30 remaining. Why is Fitzgerald playing?).

Other thoughts -

Tyler Hansbrough became the all-time leading scorer in UNC history. Congrats Psycho T.

I have lost all interest in the NFL for the next couple weeks. The Packers suck and my FFL teams are all done. I had a mediocre year in all 3 leagues I'm in. I narrowly missed the playoffs in 2 leagues and lost immediately in the playoffs in the other league. Pretty much par for the course. My FFL prime was around 1995. My interest will pick up significantly around January 18th when I'm perched on the Mirage Sports Book for the NFC/AFC championship games.

1st Round Results!

There were alot of twists and turns in the first round of the fictional Juice's Dream D-I NCAA Football Get Together presented by Cockring Emporium.

Norman, OK Regional
(1)Oklahoma 35, (4) Buffalo 7
(2)Oklahoma St. 37, (3) Pitt 20

Lubbock, TX Regional
(1) Texas Tech 48, (4) Rice 34
(3) Northwestern 31, (2) Ball St. 14

Austin, TX Regional
(1) Texas 30, (4) Boston College 13
(3)Missouri 24, (2) Ohio St. 21

Salt Lake City, UT Regional
(4) Oregon St. 7, (1) Utah 6
(2) TCU 31, (3) Tulsa 21

Tuscaloosa, AL Regional
(4) Ole Miss 17, (1) Alabama 0
(2) Cincinnati 29, (3) Oregon 21

Boise, ID Regional
(4) Virginia Tech 42, (1) Boise St. 16
(2) Georgia 28, (3) Georgia Tech 14

Gainesville, FL Regional
(1) Florida 41, (4) Troy 7
(2) BYU 27, (3) East Carolina 21

Los Angeles, CA Regional
(4) Western Michigan 27, (1) USC 21
(3) Michigan St. 15, (2) Penn St. 13

SECOND ROUND MATCHUPS:

(2) Oklahoma St. AT (1) Oklahoma

(3) Northwestern AT (1) Texas Tech

(3) Missouri AT (1) Texas

(2) TCU v. (4) Oregon St. at Salt Lake City, UT

(2) Cincinnati v. (4) Ole Miss at Tuscaloosa, AL

(2) Georgia v. (4) Virginia Tech at Boise, ID

(2) BYU AT (1) Florida

(3) Michigan St. v. (4) Western Michigan at Los Angeles, CA

(Sports Bottle's) God loves Twinkies

To let you know how bad the injury situation is getting with the White Broncos, I am leaning STRONGLY towards STARTING Leon fucking Washington in the championship game. It appears nearly certain that my second best player Anquan Boldin is out with a face (actually I think it is herpes or something, but whatever), my third best player Marion Barber is a)probably not going to play and b) has a brutal matchup. So there it is, the New York Jets second fucking running back is going to be leaned upon heavily to make me money. If I don't lose by 30 I will be surprised.

In other beating dead horse news: I can't wait for the "magicJack St. Petersberg Bowl" at the venerable old college football venue, The Tropicana Dome. /shakes head in disgust.

Two really good college basketball games on this afternoon: #2 Gonzaga v. #13 UConn and #4 Xavier v. #11 Duke. (all ratings are from the Basketball State). FYI UW is ranked #29 and Creighton is #49.

Going to a "Christmas Party" tonight at my sister in-law's house. I put it in quotes because I'm going to see all of these fucking people in 5 days, so it is really an excuse to show off how much money they have. Regardless, it will suck because this is the sister in-law that judges my wife and I for "how much we drink". This is funny for at least four reasons: 1)She has never had more than 2 drinks in her life, 2) Therefore she thinks more than 2 drinks means you "have a problem", 3) I probably get drunk like 6 times a year (down from 256 in 2003), 4) Her husband used to enjoy drinking, but is now a beaten down shell of his former self, and tries to pile drinks on me so they have something to gossip about. It is supposed to snow another 4 to 8 inches tonight (fuck mother nature), so the wife and I have discussed the possibility of getting snowed in, and then purposely getting completely shitfaced just to prove a point. In reality we will be in bed by 10.

Snow, Vultures & Boldin

If you were to ask me what I wanted to do for 2 1/2 hours on a Friday night after working for 10 hours, I can pretty much guarantee you that shoveling snow would not be my answer. We got another gigantic ass fucking snowstorm in Northeast Wisconsin. I would also like to add that my snowblower is broken and has been "getting an estimate" for five days now. Alot of you are probably calling me a pussy right now. Well. Fuck You. We are now nearing an all time record for snow in the month of December. In fucking history. And it snows in Wisconsin alot. And shoveling it isn't fun. I swear to god (probably Sports Bottle's) if I sweat through another sweatshirt this winter, I will kill someone.

The championship of the OJSFA got started last night with the Jags/Colts game. I had MoJo Drew going. And he got TWO touchdowns that he rightfully earned vultured by that QB with Crone's Disease and some asshole I've never heard of. MoJo DID end up with 23.2 points, which is a pretty good game, but nowhere near as good at 35 plus would've been. I'm not going to be happy if I lose by less than 12. Fucking vultures.

I got a sick feeling in my stomach this morning when I heard that Anquan Boldin may not play Saturday. When the fuck did he get hurt? Goddamn the NFL West and your shitty fucking teams that allows a team like Arizona to be locked into the playoffs with two games left, and have the luxury of sitting one of your best players for having a hangnail. Fuck.

Not Betting and the EagleBank Bowl

Last Week: 7-7-2

Season: 111-107-6

Ind (-6), Bal (+4), Cle (-2.5), NO (-7), Ten (-2), Mia (-4), SF (-5.5), NE (-7.5), TB (-3.5), NYJ (-4), Hou (-7), Den (-6.5), Phi (-5), Atl (+3), NYG (-3), Chi (-4)

Not much else to say except that on the front page of ESPN.com, the main article is regarding the EagleBank Bowl. Fucking really? Clearly though, with bowl games starting Saturday Dec 20th with the EagleBank Bowl between Wake Forest and Navy, there isn't room in everyone's "academic" schedule to fit in a fucking tournament of any type. It is a good thing I am asleep, and when I wake up, we can get back to concentrating on Juice's Dream D-I Football Get Together Presented by Cockring Emporium, which is in the midst of the first round in my brain.

More Impatience

I would just like to follow up my agreement with everything in the last post (except that if they lose to the 0-15 Lionesses, I want McCarthy's ass on a platter), with another local sports radio rant. There has been a constant, and by constant I mean coincidentally the same percentage of people who disapprove of the fact that A-Rodg was our starting QB from day one, stream of people bitching about how "A-Rodg can't win the big game" or that "he doesn't come through in the clutch". Well, I would like to go ahead and call bullshit on that, and here is why. First, he has played in 14 full games now. Find me a QB with 14 career games that wins every time he gets the ball with under 2 minutes. Second, he doesn't call the plays. Sure, he has some liberties I imagine with audibles and such, but on a whole, he isn't the one calling draw plays. Third, last I checked there are 10 other players on offense. So when the left side of the O-line decides not to block, or Jermichael Finley drops a pass on one of the great plays designed for him, it really isn't A-Rodg's fault. Fourth, he doesn't play defense or special teams. There are three games that I can think of off the top of my head (and I'm sure there are more) (at Min, Car, Hou) where he lead the team down the field for a score, and either special teams (missed FG, 2 long KO returns v. Car) fucks up, or the defense allows a march down the field for the winning score. In the Minnesota and Carolina games he did it TWICE, only to have one of the other groups fuck it up.

So chill out on finding a reason to hate A-Rodg. He'll get there. Just be thankful he isn't one of the shitheads (Dilweg, Kiel, Wright, Whitehurst, Zorn, Risher, Tomczak) that played in the 80's and 90's. To the radio hosts credit, he went on similar rant and basically told people to "Leave Aaron Rodgers alone!" He really is the least of our problems.

PS. The fact that Nick Collins made the Pro Bowl should be investigated. Are the Packers and the NFC Pro Bowl team the only ones that use a Free Safety? That is about the only reason I could see (other than the randomness of this Darren Sharper like INT/Returns for TDs). The biggest snub on the Packers is clearly either Jermichael Finley or Justin Harrell. Also, the fact that a certain New York Jets QB made the squad despite leading the AFC in INTs is gay.

I'm not sure why I even care about the Pro Bowl rosters, because they stopped playing the Pro Bowl when I was 8.

Impatience and the Middle Urinal

I experienced a very rare male phenomenon the other day. I walked into a public bathroom behind a rather old fellow. This bathroom contained three urinals. This gentleman was immediately overcome by the choice he had to make. There he stood with his choice of what urinal to use, 1, 2 or 3. Now, for most males the choice would either be 1 or 3. But this guy was a unique individual. As I'm waiting I'm automatically thinking I'm going to take whichever of the two he doesn't take since I'm a male under 40 years old and would very much prefer not to piss within 5 feet of some stranger. So after much debate, and using his call a friend option, he chose NUMBER 2, the middle urinal!! Are you fucking kidding me? I'm pretty sure I let out an audible "are you fucking serious?" He seemed satisfied with his decision as I realized he's one of these piss 6 feet from the urinal kinda guys where unless I'm looking directly away from him I can see his wang bouncing around. Now, for our millions of female readers, you must understand; this is not some weird sort of 'man law.' This is natural law, a scientific law! This guy obviously saw a predicament (3 unclaimed urinals), mulled over the possibilities (which urinal to claim), weighed the pros and cons and CHOSE the middle urinal. That should not happen. That process should not exist in this situation. He should have just walked in and gravitated to the left or right and I, without thinking about it, would have gone in the opposite direction.

I'm gonna comment on this Packer fan impatience issue. What happened to allowing a team to get better? I must be an old school sports fan. The 21st century fan needs everything NOW. "I don't care we have a new QB, we better win now!!!!!" I want people to have a chance. No one bitched about MM until this year. I think he's bought himself a cushion. Maybe he's made a few bad decisions this year, I'll give you that. But they were only bad decisions because the offense didn't execute. Had the FB dive worked at the end of the game against against the Panthers, no one would have thought twice about it. Now don't get me wrong, I thought it was a bad play call, but it's inches from being a good play call. I do have to say the settling for the 52 yard field goal at the end of the game against the Vikings was ridiculous. Bordering on unbelievable. But can't we give him a chance to learn? This is what, his 3rd year? I like the future of this team.

The Packers, Fake Teams, Sloppy Seconds and Hockey?!?!?

That was six losses in seven games. That isn't very good. I am tending to take the same position as the Sports Bottle took regarding the remainder of the Packer season, but I am feeling more and more like I am being forced into taking the position that his girlfriend took at 5 a.m. the other day. I'm not really sure what I mean by that other than I am sick and tired of seeing the same thing repeated over, and over and over again (see above reference to Sports Bottle's girlfriend), and getting the same results. I'm also sick and tired of hearing McCarthy talk about "fixing things" and "lack of communication" and other bullshit coach speak after every week. I'm also sick of handing the fullback the ball on 4th and 1. Clearly, there are a large number of issues with this team. Here is my list, in no particular order: 1) play calling on offense, 2) talent at a number of positions, 3) youth, 4)play calling on defense, 5) lack of accountability for dipshitedness.

Again, tending to take the "relax" route. But with one condition. If we play the Lions on December 28th, and the Lions are 0-15, and we fucking lose, Thompson better have the balls to fire everyone on the coaching staff. Seriously. That would be the nail in the coffin for me. I we lose 8 of 9 capped off by a home loss to an 0-15 team? There would be no hope for a turnaround, and no where else to turn.

I kicked Richard's monkey ass in the OJSFA semi-finals thanks to a tremendous 4th quarter by league MVP Phil Rivers. I was sweating the decision when Rivers had -.08 points at halftime. Romo performed pretty well too. I've got some tough matchups next week as I take on the winner of a seemingly tight Twinkie-Bear matchup in the other semi.

I've got to wiegh in on Sean Avery. This is sort of old, but it keeps popping up and is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Avery is a hockey player for those who don't know. He is one of these types that talks alot, has "personality", and says really dumb things. He's like an NFL wideout. A few weeks ago, he made a crack about some other NHLer dating his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert (aka Jack Bauer's daughter, aka would be hot if she wasn't so fucking annoying and stupid in 24), and referring to her as "sloppy seconds". I got a chuckle out of it. NHL commish Gary Bettman apparently didn't get the joke and suspended him for SIX games. Are you fucking kidding? Are we in Russia? SIX games for saying "sloppy seconds" not in reference to the bosses daughter or wife? And then if that wasn't insane enough, his team, the Dallas Stars, comes out and basically says that he's fired and they won't have him back. Really? Look I don't follow hockey. It is my understanding that Avery is good-ish, and is one of those "enforcer" dudes that punches people alot. Anyway, he is getting FIRED for saying this (although I assume there are other in-house issues at work, I'm going to assume for the sake of this rant that there isn't). And he is alledgedly relatively good! The whole world is going to hell in a handbasket. This makes my head hurt.

Relax

I'm gonna take the official stance that the Packers don't need a large shakeup in the offseason. I've had time to reflect after the terrible losses over the past couple weeks. Anyone who thinks TT needs to leave or MM needs to get the ax needs to relax and step back and look at this year from another viewpoint.

We've had some brilliant games (Indy, 2nd Bears game) so we know we can beat anyone, and not just beat them, kick the shit outta them. We've also had some ugly games (Saints, Dallas). And we've lost a bunch of games we could have won (Houston, Carolina, Vikings, Atlanta, Tennessee). Theoretically we could possibly be 10-3 going into this week. Just give us half those close games and this year looks much better.

The most telling game for me was the Tennessee game. We went into their house. They were the best team in the NFL and undefeated. And we took them to OT. We showed we can play with the best.

So, the issue for me is experience. We have an extremely young team and they need to learn to win together. This is a process. A team like this learns a lot in a full season. Aaron Rodgers has been, in my opinion, much better than expected. Do people forget the only real playing time he had was against Dallas last year. This is basically a rookie year and he's a legit big time QB and I agree with Juice that he's a top 5 NFC QB. But, he needs to learn to win. Give the Packers a 4 point deficit and 6 minutes remaining and I have all the confidence in the world they'll score. But give them the same deficit and 1:30 remaining and I have all the confidence in a 3 and out or an interception. But they'll get better.

The D needs a little help. The corners are aging and who knows how long they'll be effective. But they have some youth too and they need to learn to play under pressure b/c I'm sure with Ricky over center, Juice in the backfield and me and Bear at wideout with just Twinkie blocking we could score on the Packers in a 2 minute drill.

Moral of the story, sit back and relax. This year is done but they'll get better even if they don't add anyone in free agency. Hopefully they can get a couple quality additions and not lose anyone really important.

Other thoughts -

I'd like to see Brandon Jackson featured in our running game.

Pacquiao/De La Hoya fight was entertaining but a complete ass kicking. De La Hoya is washed up. He's finished. And Pacquiao is a stud. Does anyone reading this give a shit? Probably not.

Dark Knight was fantastic. The Joker has to be one of the greatest villians ever and Heath Ledger is brilliant. Its hard to believe its him, RIP.

Oh, and I did get some 5am nookie. I'll spare you the details. And no, Twinkie, I will not text you the details. That goes for you too, Bear. But if Loaf Cobra wants them he can have them.

Tar Heels only won by 16. They were slacking a little after final exams.

2008 OJSFA Awards Extravaganza!

Each year, awards are given out in the Orenthal James Simpson Football Association. This year's awards show is hosted by Lil Wayne. Why Lil Wayne? Why not?

First Award is "The Kobe Bryant Award". The Kobe Bryant award goes to the owner who pulls off the biggest ass raping (allegedly) trade of the year.

This year's winner is Bear for pulling off a trade that may never be topped in the history of the league.

Yes, the trading of Tom Brady five minutes before he blew out his knee and was put out for the year was the winner. The complete trade was Brady/L. Coles from Bear to my brother for Big Ben/Reggie Wayne.

Past winners: 2006: Shaun Alexander (Bear) to my brother for Brady/Andre Johnson

2007: Lawrence Maroney (Me) to Twinkie for Torry Holt

The next award is the "Reggie White Award" for free agent pick up of the year.

The winner is Kurt Warner.

Past winners: 2006: Michael Vick (believe it or not); 2007: Derek Anderson (believe it or not). My advice to Bear is drop him like a bad habit next year.

Next up, the newly named "Sports Bottle Award" for rookie of the year. This is an inside joke about the Sports Bottle going 2-14 in our first year.

This year's winner is Matt Forte.

Past Winners: 2006: Mojo Drew, 2007: A-Peter

The next award's name may be slightly outdated, but Packer fans will get it. It is the "Marquand Manuel" award for sleeper of the year. You might remember former (thank god) Packer safety Marquand Manuel falling asleep in the secondary and allowing receivers to run free past him for TD's. This award is for the player selected in the 10th round or later, with the most total points.

A-Rodg is this year's winner.

Past Winners: 2006: Mojo Drew, 2007: Tony Romo

The "Wilt Chamberlain Award" is the next award to be handed out. This award is in honor of Wilt Chamberlain sleeping with 20,000 women, and is for the scoring leader.

Drew Brees is your winner. Drew played for the last place team this year, and clearly was just trying to pile up stats.

Past Winners: 2006: LDT, 2007: Tom Brady

Next Award: the "Ryan Leaf Award" for Least Valuable Player. This is the keeper who scored the least points. No surprise that Tom Brady wins this award. This is the third individual award for Brady in the OJSFA. Last year he was MVP and Scoring leader....

Past Winners: 2006: Domanick Davis (I believe he is dead now), 2007: Marvin Harrison

The final award is the "O.J. Simpson Award" for MVP. This year is a very controversial pick. The MVP is given out to the player with the most points on the first place team in the regular season. This year, I was in first place. I am a slave to the rules so I have no choice but to give the award to:

Phil Rivers. What is controversial is that Rivers was not even what I would call my "starting QB". He started three games (not including today's playoff game) and I went 1-2 in those games. BUT, rules are rules, and he had the most points on my team, even though most of them were on the bench. What is also strange, is that in the past, the winners ended up being clearly the best players in FFB, whereas Rivers clearly isn't. He narrowly edged Anquan Boldin, who is pissed about it and is going to turn it into three TDs today.

Past Winners: 2006: LDT, 2007: Tom Brady

GREEN Bay, the Yanks and OJSFA

I checked out UW v. UWGB on the Big10 network last night. Pretty entertaining game, and a much more impressive win for UW that you probably think. Anyway, there were two important things that stuck out about the game for me. First, it still bothers me that UWGB insists on being referred to as "Green Bay" instead of "Wisconsin-Green Bay". Who do they think they are? Fucking Memphis State? But what was more bothersome was that the announcer was obviously not from the Midwest, and kept saying GREEN Bay by putting the emphasis on GREEN, when the emphasis should be on BAY. GREEEEEEN Bay instead of Green BAYY It drove me fucking crazy.

I hate the New York Yankees. I always have and always will. They exist on the same list as the Cubs in baseball, the Cowboys, Bears, Vikings and Lions in football, Duke, North Carolina, Michigan St., and Kentucky in college basketball and Michigan and Ohio St. in college football. Teams that when they lose, it brings me great joy. The shit is just getting ridiculous. They have already spent so much on payroll this year (and there are rumors they are after Texiera and Man-Ram too...) that they are dwarfing a number of other teams entire payrolls. And that is JUST on CC and Burnett. That doesn't even take the contracts of Jeter and A-Rod into consideration. Both of them make well over $20mil a year too. While this is the biggest splurge they have had in awhile, keep in mind how well it has gone for them in the past (Carl Pavano). The baseball world will likely be righted again with the Yankees in the playoffs for me to root against, and the Brewers out. But how great would it be to see the Yanks struggle and fail? Pretty fucking great. We are two bad years away from the Yankees requesting their own bailout package.

OJSFA playoffs on tap today. I am taking on Richard. There is a tremendous amount of pressure on the game because $100 are on the line. Winner is guaranteed that much, loser has to win next week to get $50. Richard beat me like red-headed step child last week. But I think I generally like my player's matchups a little better this week. I still have the lingering Marion Barber problem. I have no clue if he is going to start, and he plays Sunday night meaning if I take the chance to start him and find out he's not, I am stuck with Tashard Choice. It could be worse, but I would rather not be put in that position. The Giants D is pretty tough too, so neither is a great matchup. In that alternative, I could start Steve Breaston (who only scores when I don't play him) or Leon Washington (reach play). Santonio Holmes and Jerricho Cotchery are also on my roster, but are dead to me. I don't know what the fuck to do. Finally, I have made the decision to start Phil Rivers (v. KC) over Tony Romo (v. NYG) this week. Rivers has been tremendously inconsistent this year, but has had really, really big games this year. Romo has struggled a bit lately, and I don't really like what is happening in Dallas this year. This is probably a really dumb move on my part, since it has been Romo that has gotten me here. But fuck it. Go me.

Packers 31, Jags 30. (really I have no confidence that the Pack has any chance in this one). Greg Jennings has 0 catches, Ryan Grant runs for -8 yds and has no catches, Mojo Drew has 128 yds rushing, 11 catches for 67 yds and 4 TDs.

Well, Juice, I know you've been waiting for another Tar Heel post, so now you have one. It's not all about that, though.

Today is a great sports day for me. My Heels continue their heated rivalry with Oral Roberts tonight at 5pm. It doesn't matter how bad either team is and how good the other team is, this game is always close. The Heels are on a 10 day lay off. It would be close if it was at Oral Roberts. Where is Oral Roberts? Heels win 103-59.

I've successfully managed to make it all week without hearing who won the Pacquiao-De La Hoya fight. The replay will be on soon. I avoided the topic on Monday's PTI and I saw a pic of De La Hoya in SI this week but I'm not jumping to any conclusions. Then I was watching an MMA fight on HDnet last night and they started talking about the fight. What the fuck? I turned it off and never returned.

The g/f and I are heading to an indoor arcade/mini golf/ laser tag place tonight. This could be a ticking bomb. I'm facing a dilemma. Should I kick the shit out of her at everything and risk her getting pissed or should I let her win? I live by the philosophy that I let chicks win when I'm hitting on them. But I don't need to hit on her. Game on, let the domination begin!

I am so fucking sick and tired of the Yankees. We are entering another Yankee great 5 or 6 year stretch. They are gonna be very good. Red Sox beware. The Yankees are like the Cowboys to me. I hate them when they're good but I love rooting against them. When they aren't very good I just don't give a shit. But, CC and Burnett? Fuck.

The night will be capped off by a viewing of 'Dark Knight.' And hopefully some sex. I'll give a review of both at a later date.

The Friday shakes

As usual, it has been a super busy Friday around here, with the phones having rang at least twice all morning. I am especially giddy because tonight is the Office Christmas party. I have started a bet with my wife on how early in the night my boss will leave. She has 8:17 p.m., I gave him the benefit of the doubt, taking 8:41 p.m. Last year he went home immediately after supper, which was around 8 p.m. My boss is about as anti-social as it gets, and thank God (My loving, peaceful, Forgiving God, not Sports Bottles god) for that, because when he does socialize with me, he is usually a condescending prick. And if he figures out how to read this blog, then he will be my ex-boss. But, since we don't have a website for our business, I think I am pretty safe. Anyhow, the reason I am giddy is because there will be an open bar. And since I feel that I am seriously underpaid (similar to how 99% of US workers feel) then tonight is my night to give myself a small bonus by consuming as much beer as possible. This is different compared to my former life (last year) when I was medically advised not to consume alcohol. Not that my doctors have advised me to get severly wasted now, but they have told me to just "be smart about it." And when they say smart, they mean drink lots when its free. At least that was my interpretation.

Other notes:

In my straight up pick'em pool, I have made $60 in the past 3 weeks (if gambling were legal). This is significant because I paid only $20 to join.

In my "all or nothing" pool, meaning you can pick as many games as you want each week, but you only get points that week if you get all games that you pick right, I am 2nd overall and have pointed the last 3 weeks. I tell you both of these things knowing that I have now probably jinxed myself out of any money I was set to win. And that is aside from the ass-kicking I am sure to take in the OJSFA in the opening round of the playoffs.

Well, excuse me while I go back on cruise control at work and check out some more mindless games at www.candystand.com which is great for burning hours of company time. I have accumulated 24 trophies thus far. I will now employ Juice's trick of leaving a file open on my desk and suddenly glancing down at if one of my bosses walks in here, while I simultanously flick the computer monitor off. Have a good weekend all.

Sports Illustrated Preview

It's a Sports Illustrated Extravaganza!! For the first time I can recall I've received 3 different Sports Illustrateds in the same week. For my viewing pleasure I have the SI shown above, the Golf Plus 2008 Review/2009 Preview and the 2008 Pictures of the Year.



Tim Tebow is a monster. For the first time all year I was able to enjoy an entire Saturday of college football. I'm normally working during that time, keeping the streets safe for Juice, Twinkie and Bear. The type of people who look to me for guidance and reassurance.



Anyways, I caught the entire Florida/Bama game. The entire time I was thinking how ridiculous it is that Vegas had Florida favored by 10 and it looked even more ridiculous with Bama up 20-17 in the second half. Well, once again Vegas gets it right. How the fuck do they do that? Hmmmm......



A nice picture of the Sooners praying on the field before they kicked the shit out of Missouri. I don't see Missouri players praying anywhere in the picture. This leads me to believe (my) God likes the Sooners because I'm sure God took time out of his day to catch this snoozer of a game. I hear Jesus is a great blocking running back.



SI Players NFL Poll - What percentage of NFL players would you say use performance enhancing drugs?

• 0 to 4 percent - 32%


• 5 to 9 percent - 23%


• 10 to 19 percent - 20%


• 20 to 29 percent - 12%


• 30 percent or more - 12%

Apparently Lane Kiffin has a really hot wife.

$5,050 - amount the door to the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders' locker room sold for in an auction of Texas Stadium memorabilia.

Faces in the Crowd - one F-able chick, given she's 18. Otherwise I'd never even think about it.

Interview with Mack Brown. Who, besides me, knew Mack Brown led the Tar Heels to an 11-1 record in 1997? Anyone?

I always thought Sam Bradford was white, but now I'm not so sure.

Long ass article about rich Russian dudes spending a shit load of money to fuel the Russian sports machine. Riveting.

Lets move onto the feature of the day - the Golf Plus Review/Preview!!! In case I haven't mentioned it in the past, I love golf. I love playing it and I love watching it on my 61' HD TV. I love playing it with Juice. He always teaches me a few things.

Other random thoughts -

Fuck CC. Fuck him right in the butt. If anyone thought there was a minute chance he'd remain a Brewer, you are a fucking retard

The Bucks are good at nothing, except maybe rebounding. Every game is the same. They shoot 37% and get outscored by 20 at the free throw line.

Got 'Dark Knight' from Netflix. I'm really looking forward to watching. Yes, I haven't seen it yet. Fucking get over it.

'True Blood' on HBO is excellent. Lots of blood and sex.

The Surplus, CC and The Bloody Bengal Tigers

I had a funny thought yesterday. Someone called into the local sports talk radio and asked if Ted Thompson gets to keep what the Packers don't spend from their salary cap. That in and of itself is sort of hilarious, but what was funny was that on "The Office" this week, the same thing happened. There was a budget surplus, and Michael got to keep a percentage as a bonus if it wasn't spent. I wonder what Thompson's cut of the $20mil or so is? I'm definitely not a Thompson basher, and would probably lean more towards apologist land. However, clearly a smartly selected veteran or two from the free agent pool couldn't have hurt. Sitting on the money is stupid, but equally stupid would be to blow it like it grows on trees, like most would have him do. I think the Packers as an organization are kind of similar to the Brewers in that they can't afford to make tragic and expensive mistakes on high priced free agents, and need to be someone selective. That being said, I can't imagine there wasn't one or two guys out there that wouldn't have broken the bank, and would've been more helpful than most of the draft picks this year were.

Speaking of the Brewers, I guess CC isn't coming after all. I'm not going to believe he actually signed until I see him in pinstripes, because there have been incorrect stories all off season about when he was signing and with who. Yesterday there was a story blowing around that CC outright told the Yankees to get bent and the Brewers were the front runners. The whole hot stove rumor thing is rather ridiculous. But at least we got Mike Lamb and Todd Coffee!

Bucky BARELY held on last night in a snooze-fest against Idaho St. I say snooze-fest because I kept dozing off to the dulcet tones of Craig Coshoun, and bricks being laid by the Badgers. Any time a Big Sky team comes into Madison and has a last second shot to win, that doesn't bode well for your tourney chances. But historically, Bucky plays down to its competition, and will probably rattle off 10 or 11 Big Ten wins, which will put them in the hunt for a 6 seed or so. If UWGB (who has been borderline great since getting blown out by a D-II team) knocks them off Saturday, we may have a problem. Marcus Landry would be only about the 4th best player on alot of other Big Ten teams, and he is relied on to be our main man, which might not be good. Also, he is probably the only non-gangster/Mormon to have two kids in college.

Big game tonight in the Big O. I'll leave most of the good analysis to the great Kyle Whelliston at Mid-Majority.com. I think Dayton is probably a better team at this point. But both CU loses came on the road, both big Dayton wins were at home, Dana has kicked his team in the ass, and CU rarely loses at the Qwest. I can only hope that finals don't lower the crowd number. CU 65, Dayton 63

Covert Picks

I am doing this quickly because I think my bosses would frown on pretend gambling, and I am at work.

Last week: 10-6
Season: 104-100-4

Chi (-3), Atl (-3), Was (-7), Sea (NL), Mia (-6.5), Ind (-17), KC (+5.5), Jax (+1.5), Ari (NL), Car (-7.5), Pit (+2), NE (-7), NYG (+3), Phi (-14)

Late Reaction, Stupid People and Snow "Events"

I figured its about time I weigh in with my 6.5 pesos on Sunday. I was at the game for the second week in a row, and for the second week in a row, I was personally kicked in the nuts by 53 professional football players and their coaches. How you surrender 500+ yards in a game is beyond me. How you continue to dominate the turnover ratio, which is supposedly the best indicator of how a team will do (they won 4 to 1 on Sunday, and according to Jaws, the team that wins the turnover battle wins 77% of the time), and still lose is beyond me. How you replace a decent punter, with a shitty one, probably lose a game because of it, and then replace him again with a punter that had a semi-great game, and still lose is beyond me. How you commit only 5 penalties, yet somehow wait until the most crucial situations to commit them is beyond me. How all of this can happen, and you get fucked by the officials on top of it is beyond me. There are greater powers at work here or something. As shitty as the defense is at stopping people when it needs to, it is spectacular at forcing turnovers, which should really make up for it. But somehow, with a holding penalty here, and a dropped pass there, we fuck it up. I just don't get it. We clearly aren't that good, and I guess we should start looking forward to the draft. Where I will again get really, really drunk.

Took a new direction at the game this week. My former status quo had been: park in a residential area with easy in and out, South of the stadium, head down to the bars on Holmgren Way, get a brat and bloody at the Bay City Smokehouse tent, stare at Paul Hornung and William Henderson as they sign autographs at Stadium View, watch some drunken asshole fall off the mechanical bull, drink a beer or two, walk around a bit, go into the game, get a beer, sit down, watch game.

This week I got free tickets to the game (which is alot cheaper than the $93 I paid for the Lions game when the Packers were still good) and went with my father in-law. He wanted to meet up with a friend of his at Buffalo Wild Wings (hereinafter BW2, there aren't three fucking W's). His buddy claimed that the lot at BW2 was easy to get in and out of. It was $10 to park, but my father-in-law paid it because the tickets were free. The pre-game experience at BW2 was really enjoyable actually, we got there in time to get a table near the bar, the waitstaff stopped by frequently enough, the beer was alot cheaper than other places near by, the food was quick, cheap-ish and tasty, there were random hot beer girls there, it was crowded enough to make the atmosphere somewhat exciting but not too crowded, and most of all it was warm. I would definitely go back. Except I would never park there again because it took us an hour to get out of the parking lot, but that is another story. The only down side was lack of grill smell, but you can get that on the walk to the stadium. But seriously, especially in cold weather situations, this will probably be in my repertoire.

At the game itself, the temp at game time was 13, with a 5 degree wind chill. But it wasn't real windy so it wasn't too bad. The face got a little cold, but otherwise I was fine. There was a layer of ice on all of the bleachers, but we had a blanket so that was OK.

RANDOM STUPID ASSHOLE ALERT: So we had "negative couple" behind us at the game. You know the ones. The people who bitch and moan non-stop at the game. This particular couple hated Aaron Rodgers for some reason, even though he is a top 5 QB in the NFC. With every incomplete pass there was: "Six more years of this." or "Oh, yeah, he is worth $65 million". On his second TD, as the ball was released, the guy screamed "What are you doing?" I wanted to punch him in the face. And his wife was the worst one. Even when he would get sacked (like the time where two guys came in untouched in about .3 seconds) they would bitch about it. I don't really understand you people. And as Samuel L. Jackson once stated, "Yes they deserved to die! And I hope they burn in hell!"

It has snowed like a mother for the past two days here. And the media panic started the day before. They called it a "Snow Event", which I guess must be worse than a snowstorm (but maybe not as bad as a blizzard?) Forecast called for 8 to 14 inches, and thousands of casualties. I got up this morning to find a solid 7 inches in my driveway, with a three foot drift on one side, and snow still falling. Which sucks when your snowblower breaks. I had time to shovel the half behind our car before work. In the car on the way to work, I was warned to stay off the roads at all costs, and if you do drive there is like a 92% chance that you will die. In actuality, the roads were not that bad at all. I'm not really sure where I was going with this, other than to say that I hate when the media scares everyone up about snow, but what I hate worse is shoveling. But even worse than that is when your team inexplicably aborts itself in front of you two weeks in a row. Also it is supposed to be 40 this Sunday. Fuck. Me.

Big Baby lives up to his namesake

There's really nothing like having the nickname big baby and then being cussed out by another grown man on live TV, throwing a tantrum and then crying about it. Glen Davis, I salute you.





Also in case anyone happened to miss this, which I doubt because it's been absolutely plastered all over deadspin and PFT, but Visanthe Shiancoe is now a huge star.

Kevin Mchale is approximately 63 games from being forever cut from the T-Wolves franchise like the cancerous tumor that he is. At least Minnesota fans will have another high lottery pick chance to look forward to when they get their new coach and now Mchale won't be there to trade the right pick for their team away anymore!

Should be less than two weeks now until Sabathia is a Yankee, I've come to terms with this.

I'm a little concerned with Doug Melvin being 100% dead set against trading any of his young current major leaguers. Why is he so against this? Of course maybe he is and he's just playing the politics game, Melvin's response to 95% of trade rumors is "We've never had any discussion about this player, EVER"

Why the fuck is Peavy so interested in going to the Cubs but tells the Brewers to 100% fuck off? I hope you end up in Chicago and lose for the rest of your life you fucking prick.

The Yankees and Mets, after already get a billion and a half dollars from the city of New York, are asking for another half billion dollars. Stay classy New York.

In one fell swoop I managed to "blow" a 40 point lead coming into Monday night of fantasy football with about 60 stagnant points on my bench, and tie in my first round playoff game of another league with roughly 40 points on that bench, of course I wasn't even close to competing in the tie breaker, weak. That's alright though, I'm winning money in Juice's league

Derrick Rose apparantely cut himself while eating in apple in bed earlier this week. I can't say too much, I prefer to eat apples with a knife myself, the real kicker here is that the report says he cut himself on his arm. Wtf, was he using his arm as a cutting board? How do you even do that? He's not expected to miss any playing time at least, so it won't go into one of those, pitcher dislocates his shoulder while putting kid to bed, freak injury columns that writers put together once a month. We get it, athletes get hurt like normal people too.

During the post game analysis of MNF last night Steve Young looks like he got douched in the face with an empty beer cup. Judging from the direction of where the cup was coming from, I can't entirely rule out Emmitt. I will say this though, Young kept his cool and didn't skip a beat in his report.



So this turned into some random thoughts for the day...

Juicelaw's Dream D-I NCAA Football Get Together Presented by Cockring Emporium!: The Bracket is revealed!

I've already been through the premise, so I won't bore you with that again, but so you know, I based the seedings on my rankings. I also did not take into consideration location or conference affiliation.

So here they are:

Norman, OK Regional

(1) Oklahoma (12-1) v. (4) Buffalo (8-5)

(2) Oklahoma St. (9-3) v. (3) Pitt (9-3)

Lubbock, TX Regional

(1) Texas Tech (11-1) v. (4) Rice (9-3)

(2) Ball St. (12-1) v. (3) Northwestern (9-3)

Austin, TX Regional

(1) Texas (11-1) v. (4) Boston College (9-4)

(2) Ohio St. (10-2) v. (3) Missouri (9-4)

Salt Lake City, UT Regional

(1) Utah (12-0) v. (4) Oregon St. (8-4)

(2) TCU (10-2) v. (3) Tulsa (10-3)

Tuscaloosa, AL Regional

(1) Alabama (12-1) v. (4) Mississippi (8-4)

(2) Cincinnati (11-2) v. (3) Oregon (9-3)

Boise, ID Regional

(1) Boise St. (12-0) v. (4) Virginia Tech (9-4)

(2) Georgia (9-3) v. (3) Georgia Tech (9-3)

Gainsville, FL Regional

(1) Florida (12-1) v. (4) Troy (8-4)

(2) BYU (10-2) v. (3) East Carolina (9-4)

Los Angeles, CA Regional

(1) USC (11-1) v. (4) Western Michigan (9-3)

(2) Penn St. (11-1) v. (3) Michigan St. (9-3)

I will post results when I feel like it. I will post my thoughts on yesterday when I get done vomiting, and shoveling the 14" of snow that is falling right now.

road trip recap

After spending nearly 15 hours in the car (round-trip) and traveling close to 900 miles, the wife and I managed to avoid any sort of severe wreck or serious argument. All in all it was a great trip, consisting of drinking with 2 of my only real friends from law school, and lacking only a certain drinking buddy from Wisconsin. Yes, I am charismatic I know, going to school for 3 years and making solid friendships with a total of about 3 people. Here's a brief synopsis:

6:30 p.m. Friday - we finally get on the road after the wife had to see an emergency patient. Emergency patients don't exist on Monday - Thursday, and even Friday before noon, but when you have to go somewhere, they are a sure thing Friday at 4:30 p.m.

7:30 p.m. - an unexpected pit stop to Mills Fleet Farm, or as Juice likes to call it "Redneck City". I myself think this is a fabulous store. The purpose for the stop, an air mattress for Mike's apartment. U know you are old and married when you need an air mattress to crash at a buddy's suite.

9:30 p.m. - the wife closes her eyes and dozes off. Yes, I know sitting in the passenger seat and listening to a book on tape is exhausting. Meanwhile, I manage to navigate the icy, snowy roads and slurp down my 3rd coffee. For the record, books on tape are a fabulous invention. It's like reading without doing the work. This particular one is "the Good Guy" by Dean Koontz. Some pretty intense shit.

1:30 a.m. - arrival in O-town. It's always funny to pull into Mike's place late at night (usually after the bars) because he lives in "mormonville USA" and know that everybody has been sleeping there for at least 3 hours after falling asleep after a few intense games of yahtzee and sipping on ginger ale. I notice there is a car pulling in right behind me. GUESS WHO? Mike and J Grant pulling in with a large amount of fast food. They appear very inebriated. Ah, the good ol days. Finally get to sleep at 2:15 after slamming a few beers and bullshitting.

8: 30 a.m. Saturday - Ouch. Too early.

9: 00 a.m. - UGH. still too early. Mikes leaves for pictures as he is an usher. I think being an usher is probably the greatest position to hold in a wedding. The opportunity to escort hot chicks. Only minimal responsibility. You know what else is a better position in a wedding? Not being in the wedding, not having to wear a tux and having no responsibility.

9:30 - wife leaves to visit a friend. Grrr. Still too early.

10 am - J-Grant and I listen to a Dane Cook DVD that I had borrowed from my brother. Funny shit. Especially the bit about the flute player in the civil war. My favorite part.

This shit is getting too long and you guys are probably bored (after the first 2 sentences). The only real significant event in the afternoon was cracking the first beers at 2:30 p.m. before the wedding. Oh yeah, I guess the wedding happened too. ZZZZzzzzzzz.

5:30 pm. - J Grant and I are in the hotel room watching college football and having beers. He thinks there isn't enough people downstairs to join the social hour. I think it has been long enough since the wedding and that it is probably packed. A trip downstairs confirms it. Yup, it was packed. We meet up with Mike and the fun begins. Oh yeah, the bride's family is loaded. Open, full bars until 1 a.m.

6:00 p.m. - I run into one of the bridesmaids from law school. She asks what kind of law I am practicing and I tell her family law, criminal defense, etc. to which she replies "Oh, the easy stuff". Fucking bitch. Could have slapped her, but the wife was with and I coolly played it off like she didn't just fucking belittle my short legal career. Oh yeah, she was probably one of the only hot girls in our class. Did I mention she could be a bitch? She also told us at least 50 times how cute her daughter was. zzzzzzzzz

6:30 p.m. - Mike has a cigarette
6:45 p.m. - Mike has a cigarette
7:10 p.m - Mike has a cigarette. You get the picture.

9 p.m - Mike begins to show obvious signs of drunkardness. Plus, he didn't shave early this AM, so he is beginning to look kind of creepy. He has yet to light up a cigarette in the no smoking ballroom, much to my suprise. The wife goes upstairs to nap and instructs me to wake her up at 10:30 so she can rally. This impressed me.

10 p.m. - Mike is beginning to tweak out. Says we should change out of our dress clothes and head to the downtown bars. J Grant and I veto this for several reasons, the most obvious being the large quantities of free booze waiting for our consumption. We calm him down and decided they should hit the dance floor looking for horny bridesmaids. I watch with amusement.

10:05 p.m. - the dance floor parts in horror. J Grant dropped his drink in the middle of the floor leaving a wet surface and thousands of shards of glass. Who brought the assholes? We did.

10:45 - 1 a.m. Sunday - the usual drinking and dancing continues. The wife rejoined the party as promised. Nothing real exciting. We are getting fucking old. Mike and J Grant made no obvious advances towards single women (Or married ones for that matter). This was severely disappointing to me. When you are married you live vicariously through your friends as they hit on women. I did not get to experience any of this. I feel cheated.

1:15 - Mike has changed into his Oregon ducks sweatpants and white T Shirt with almost 2 days of facial hair. He is seriously trolling for women now in the reception area, looking desperate, intoxicated and very, very creepy. I love hanging out with this guy.

1:30 - No scoring for either of my single friends. Unbelievable. We order pizza and eat in Mike's room watching football highlights. The bitch bridesmaid has decided to stay the night in Mike's room on the "heida" bed. I am pretty confident no funny business went on, as she is married with a child, although with Mike, you can't be 100% sure. I had to leave the room at about 1:45 as my speech was slurred and I literally could no longer put a sentence together. I feel like I'm about to puke. I leave in a rush and knock 1/2 the pizza on the floor. Oops. I do not puke, but instead go back to my room and pass out. A good night.

Playing Under Pressure

The Packers are the team reincarnation of the Chris Webber timeout vs UNC or that Cowboys TE dropping that touchdown catch when he was wide open in the end zone. They cannot do shit under pressure. Don't be fooled. The touchdown with 6 minutes left to tie the game was not clutch. Clutch time is when Grant ran for the first down with just over 2 minutes left and Tony Moll had a holding call (which seemed like a horseshit call). But even more un-clutch was the sack given up on the next play, which appeared to be a screen. Isn't it the point of a screen to let the pass rush through to set the screen up? And then the next play is a 2 foot dump pass to a TE. The offense couldn't step up when it needed to.

But neither could the D. I fucking hate the Packer defense. Our new punter pins the Texans at the 2 yd line. That was clutch. But the clutchness ended there. Two big pass plays later and an easy field goal.




Fucking christ.




I'm not sure if every fan of every team feels this way, but isn't every single last second field goal against the Packers right down the middle? What was it, like a 57 yard field goal a couple years ago against the Vikings?




Shouldn't the Packers be showing signs of improvement as the year moves on? We're showing the same progress as the Austin Powers movies. We shouldn't be our best at the beginning of the year. I believe if this team did what most mildly decent young teams did (improving throughout the year), we could be very good next year. I originally thought that was the case but now I'm not so sure. I have no more optimism. We couldn't beat the Texans at home. Fucking ridiculous.

I'm not one to jump the gun and say we should completely re-tool next year but there's something wrong that shouldn't be wrong. I'm still old school and wish coaches still coached teams for decades, through good times and bad. But I'm also realistic and know that's not the case anymore. Someone's seat might be getting warm......

For the Record

Not much time to talk since I'm headed out to Packers/Texans in about two minutes, but I just wanted to state that if the BCS decides Oklahoma v. Florida, I agree with it. That being said, the BCS is fucking bullshit and the brackets will be revealed at some point in the next few days.

NBA2k9 Konspiracy?

Before I get to this, I would like to add a caveat. It is entirely possible that Sports Bottle somehow managed to do this while he was fucking around on my game, in addition to messing around with the camera angles and such. But I tried to figure out how to do it myself and couldn't, and didn't notice other familiar names, and can't really figure out why he would only create one random prospect and implant it into my game. But again, it is possible that this was a gigantic ruse, and that I'm a moron.

However, for these purposes, I'm going to go ahead and assume that the above is untrue, and this is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I own NBA 2k9. I normally don't concern myself too much with alot of the features, including the scouting of prospects for the draft. I just usually pick whoever looks best. Last night, I was in one of those weird situations where I didn't really have time to play another whole game, but I didn't feel like shutting off the system, so I was cruising around checking out different menus. Anyways, I clicked on the Scouting Prospects tab, and the following is what I saw:

Many of you probably don't know who Aaron Stokstad is. While that is unfortunate for you, I can tell you that he is a good friend of mine from college. And he is from Wisconsin. And he is white. And he doesn't play D-I college basketball. This picture absolutely blew my fucking mind to the extent that I woke my wife up from sleeping on the couch and told her that my video game is "fucking haunted".

So assuming I haven't been "Punk'd", the question is: Where the fuck did 2k Sports get the name from? I think we can all agree that Stokstad isn't a run of the mill name like Smith or Jones. And isn't the last name of a player like Iverson or Bryant. So where does 2k Sports get its fake names? Well, you can rest assured that I am going to get to the bottom of this shit, if its the last thing I do. I will leave no stone unturned.

Also, if you think I'm not going to trade away the farm to get Stokstad on my team, you are crazy.

Viva Nebraska

The wife and I are going to hop in the car and make the long-ass drive to Nebraska this weekend for a CU alum class-mates wedding. Truth be told, I am not really going for the wedding, but am going because it's a good excuse to see my boy Mike. If you've never met him, the picture at left is a good example of him, only picture this guy hitting on two chicks who may or may not be over the age of 18, an additional cigarette shoved in the mouth, and one beer in each hand.

Juice, I know what you are thinking ("wait, that asshole didn't come to my wedding"). Well, you're right, except I almost died and was laid up in the hospital when you got married. I said a prayer for you two to my God, and it must have worked because your wife hasn't gotten rid of you yet! And mark my words, someday the wife and I will make the same long-ass haul that you did, across two states, to visit you, if you invite us. If not, I would expect the Sports Bottle to invite us.

Anyways, back to my boy Mike. This guy dated some girl whom none of us friend thought was that hot (or cool for that matter), and now she ripped his heart out of his ass and dumped him. So, being the great friend I am, I am driving down there to help him get really drunk and get her out of his mind. I am also hoping to play the role of wingman and help him bang some hot, half-drunk bridesmaid. I am a little out of the partying scene, and it has been a long time since I last "tied one on". I am very nervous about trying to keep the beer flowing as much as my friends, and also my propensity to develop a huge vagina and get really sleepy at 11 p.m. Full update to follow Monday, as I will be exhausted and ready to put off any work. I may even rip off one of Simmons'/Juice's running diaries...

Sports Illustrated Review

I'm now up to date. I received this SI yesterday.

It's the yearly Sportsman of the Year "double issue." Speaking of issue, I take issue with this horseshit "double issue" idea SI uses a couple times a year. I pay for 52 SIs a year and this issue here counts as two. Fucking bogus. They could call any issue a double issue if they wanted to.

Amazingly, it appears Jordan only got this 'award' once. To jog everyone's memory, He Who Shall Not Be Named won the award last year.

Phelps has to be extremely uncomfortable in those wet clothes. I hate the thought of being in wet clothes. I watched the Crocodile Hunter running through a river after a water snake today in his usual garb. Disgusting.

SI Players Poll (a follow up to last week) - Which team has the NFL's worst playing surface? Steelers (Heinz Field) is the overwhelming winner with 27%. #2 was the Raiders (McAfee Coliseum) with 13%. Dolphins stadium finished fourth in both the best and worst polls. Fascinating.

Michael Phelps is all over this magazine. 2nd picture of him not counting the cover and I haven't even reached his article yet.

$510,161,750 - value of in-race TV exposure for Jimmie Johnson's sponsors this season. That's a shitload of dough.

$3 million - price per 30 second Super Bowl ad. 59 of 67 spots have been sold. Anyone remember the original Bud Bowl? I believe it was the 49ers vs Bengals Super Bowl. I thought it was great and it was great for a couple years. I always rooted for Bud Light.

Pop Culture Grid - Elton Brand, Gary Brackett, Dan Ellis and Roddy White. I've heard of 3. Anyone, without the aid of the internet, know who Dan Ellis is? A hint - when asked "____ is hazardous to my health" he stated "a puck to the head."

Faces in the Crowd - 2 possible boneable chicks.

Cover Story. Who didn't love the Olympics this year? Fuck all the shit about human rights violations and China is the worst place ever blah blah blah. I thought the Olympics were great. Phelps was great. That relay where that Lezak dude made the remarkable comeback in the freestyle was incredible. And how did Phelps win that butterfly race?

It's the 40th anniversary of the first Special Olympics. Rather impressive. This is a great cause but you'll never catch me watching because my almost guaranteed spot in hell would become a foregone conclusion. If you want to join me in hell, listen to 'Special Olympics' by Stephen Lynch.

Spotlight on the Giants offense. Mildly interesting since I have Brandon Jacobs.

Oregon St vs Oregon. Not very interested. I already know what happened. But I'm forecasting some more BCS bashing.

Focus on Paul Pierce. I think he's a huge douchebag.

Some article about a shooting at a high school basketball game back in 1992 Alabama. Yawn. I bet this is a long ass article..... Yep.

Mark Teixeira's gonna get a lot of money. Scott Boras is a hypnotist.

Finally, an article outlining the Pacquiao/De La Hoya fight. I'm guessing no one reading this gives a shit about this fight, but for boxing fans, it's pretty huge. I haven't decided who I'm rooting for. I think I want Pacquiao. The fight is on HBO PPV. I fucking hate that. Boxing is suffering pretty badly right now, for many reasons. This is one of the biggest reasons. They need to bring back casual fans by showing the biggest fights live on regular HBO. I will not buy the fight and hopefully I can avoid finding out the result until I watch the replay the following Saturday.

Alexander Ovechkin is the man. He's on my fantasy hockey team.

A stuntman finances his passion for stock car racing by being a stuntman. Guaranteed another long ass article.... Yep, very long.

99 yard TD pass to Berrian. Fuck, I had him on the bench.

LT is lost in Chargers offense.

Advice - don't lose faith in Michigan St (college basketball). Well, in case anyone didn't see the final result, MY Tar Heels kicked the shit out of MSU - 98-63. I know Juice is rolling his eyes but this could possibly be one of the best college basketball teams we've ever seen. Tywon Lawson is the best PG in the country right now.

Badger alum update - Devin Harris is not Jason Kidd. But he's becoming an offensive force for the Nets.

Other random thoughts -

Sean Avery is a retard.

Antonio Pierce is a retard.

Plaxico Burress is a very intelligent human being.

Supporters of the BCS are retards.

I said it before the play happened. The Packers should've gone for the TD on 4th down in the 4th quarter.