Thursday, December 31, 2009

the 4th amendment is dead (long rant)


So, this post is almost 2 months overdue. The reason this post involves sports is because my friend, (let's call him Bert) was home on leave from Iraq and he flew me to Nebraska to watch the Nebraska-Oklahoma football game in November. (10-3 Huskers, great game.) I should explain that Bert is an ex-Marine (works for a private company now) but he suffers from little man's syndrome big time.

Anyways, my flight arrived at 10:30 p.m. on Friday. Checked into hotel around 11 p.m., headed to hotel lobby and visited with Bert, Bert's dad and Bert's uncle. We visited and drank until about 12:30 a.m, which was probably 3 drinks in about an hour (at a bargain price of about 7 bucks a drink). Approximately 12:45 a.m. Bert suggests that we head downtown. I inform him that the bars close in Omaha close at 1 p.m. (which is way too early). However, I wisely offer the alternative of heading across the river to CouncilTUCKY, Iowa, where the bars are open until 2 a.m.

We TAKE A CAB, like responsible adults. We proceed to drink until about 1:45. It was pretty lame, just played pool and bullshitted. There were no shots, no shotgunning beers, no cocaine, etc. It was two, lame old guys bullshitting at a bar. As we were attemping to contact a cab to head to the riverboat casinos, Bert was talking to a girl on the sidewalk. Out of the blue a dude punches Bert right in face/lip, and immediately runs onto one of those party buses, commonly used for bachelorette/soriety parties. Unfortunately, there were at least 6 other guys on the bus waiting for us to do something stupid. A very upset Bert attempted to rush the bus when I grabbed him (b/c I'm a bitch) and held him back to prevent: a) us from getting our asses kicked, and b) us from getting arrested. The only possible reasons he could have had for punching Bert were: a) it was his girl Bert was talking to OR b) he was simply a drunk asshole.

After finally calming Bert down and walking away, I got ahold of a cab to pick us up. Bert, still very upset about his fat lip, proceeded to flag down a law enforcement officer/stormtrooper ("to protect and serve") and attempted to explain how he was unjustly jacked in the face and showed the stormtrooper his cut lip. This lead to her promising to "investigate." She reappeared less than 5 minutes later and told us she a) pulled over the party bus; and b) talked to the guy and he said he didn't do it. She also told us "there is nothing I can do" and "we better get a cab." To which, I politely informed her that we were waiting for one.

Less than two minutes later, Bert (unwisely) flagged down another stormtrooper. This is where the story (finally) gets interesting. This stormtrooper had an immediate attitude. Bert, being an ex-marine politely called him "Sir" to which the stormtrooper replied "It's not sir, it's Sgt. Stuart (his actual name). I can't make this shit up. Sgt. Stuart told us to get out of the street and back onto the sidewalk. I immediately complied. Bert, who has alot of pride, proceeded to argue/try to explain that he was the victim of an assault. Bert was then arrested after asking for Sgt. Stuart's badge number. The entire time, I was leaning against the traffic light post (on the sidewalk) attemping to get Bert to shut the hell up. After Bert was arrested, Sgt. Stuart motioned to his fellow stormtroopers (at least 4 cars showed up to calm this "major riot"), pointed to Twinkie and said "Yeah, him too." At which point I was cuffed and stuffed, something I thought I would never have to endure.

Since I am not learned in the law, I agreed to take a PBT test at the station and gave a sample of .103 (b/c I was trying to prove my innocence). So, after spending 3 hours in the cell, getting photos taken and watching sportscenter several times (at 3:30 a.m.) I was again a free man. The fresh air never tasted so good.
Here were a number of "dousies" (FALSE STATEMENTS) from the police report I received later on:
1) Twinkie was standing in the middle of the street yelling
2) bloodshot watery eyes (the stormtrooper didn't get within 15 feet of me)
3) Twinkie was slurring his speech and continued to yell at the Officer
4) "Twinkie told me he missed his ride home and was going to walk to Omaha"
5) "Twinkie told me he had been drinking alot tonight and that he had just finished picking a fight with some of the people at the bar" (This one really slayed me, since I was the one who STOPPED the fight from happening)
6) Twinkie submitted a sample of .104 (it really pisses me off they couldn't get at least be truthful about the breath sample????) (Does a .104 really sound like I would yell in the middle of the street?)
7) The two subjects nearly avoided being struck by an East bound vehicle (the only vehicles we saw were stormtrooper-mobiles, and they were heading WEST bound.

Anyways, I still hold honest and just law enforcement officers in high regard. However, I just don't think any exist (in Iowa and Eastern Wisconsin).

Who Ya Got?

Sober Jets fan v. Drunk Jets fan. I would be PISSED.

Recipe for Disaster

RECIPE

Preheat the oven to 15 degrees. In a mixing bowl, combine a night of poor sleep, a 5:50 a.m. wake up call and 10 hours of "work". Stir until smooth. Add a light dinner, let sit for an hour. In a separate bowl, combine 15 beers, 5 to 10 shots and a bottle of the Andre. Bake until sometime after midnight until blacked out. Overserves one. Delights a spouse.

PICKS

I will make some actual fake betting recommendations by Saturday. But sticking with tradition, here are the weekly NFL picks.

Last Week: 7-8-1
Season: 107-104-4
All-Time: 241-230-6

NYG (+9), Ind (NL), Pit (NL), SF (-7), NE (+8), Chi (-3), Atl (-2.5), Jax (+1), GB (+3), Den (-13.5), Ten (-4.5), Bal (-11), Phi (+3), SD (-4), Cin (+10)

BUCKY

Working on New Year's Eve is fucking bullshit. I will be closely following UW v. Ohio St. I like Bucky at home to win.

Updated Get Together Brackets: Quarterfinals

PEACH BOWL

(1) Alabama v. (1) Oregon

CITRUS BOWL

(1) TCU v. (2) Iowa

COTTON BOWL

(1) Texas v. (2) Ohio St.

FIESTA BOWL

(1) Boise St. v. (3) West Virginia

Get Together Recap: (1) Florida v. (3) West Virginia

AT GAINESVILLE, FL

(1) Florida 19
(3) West Virginia 20

SHOCKER! Perhaps it was Urban Meyer's health problems. Or perhaps (Sports Bottle's) god was angry at Tim Tebow. Regardless, it is clearly the biggest upset so far.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Let's Win Some Beans



Go to BetUS.com and take a look at the NFL games this weekend and the remaining bowl games. I am going to take picks that are recommended by our loyal readers (Juice and Bear and Juice's brother). I don't care how you choose whether it's money line or spread. If we, by some grace of (my) god, win, I will send winnings to all those who participated. Of course, to comply with United States law, we are only betting beans. We are in no way betting real money.
I took a huge pounding a couple days ago. Account balance about $25.

Get Together Recap: (1) Boise St. v. (3) Troy

AT BOISE, ID

(1) Boise St. 44
(3) Troy 28

Troy actually led at halftime 22-17, but the Broncos were too much.

The Curious Case of Pro Bowl 2010

So the Pro Bowl rosters were announced yesterday, as were the alternates. I generally don't care about the Pro Bowl as it is a joke. The game itself is clearly the worst of any major sport. It really can't even be considered "football" and should be just turned into a flag football game or trivia contest or something, because risking injury in this exhibition is borderline insane. More than 50% of the players that get voted onto the roster smartly choose not to show up, which in turn creates like 150 guys each year that can call themselves Pro Bowlers. And seriously, I encourage players voted in to show up in street clothes and stand on the sidelines, and sign autographs or whatever, and enjoy the free trip to South Beach. With the way the NFL is structured (no guaranteed contracts), players really shouldn't show up (unlike the NBA or MLB where the opposite is true).

The starters and immediate backups seem generally sensical. I'm sure there are some exceptions but I will leave that to fans of other teams that care. I do care about Packers that were named as starters/reserves/alternates because it does legitimize to some extent how good a player is, especially since coaches and players are 66% of the vote (although probably less than 50% put any thought into it at all, but it is much better than fan voting, because I voted for all Packers). Rodgers, Woodson and Collins being on the roster gets no argument from me. All are deserving. I suppose you could make some solid arguments for some other players. When I saw the rosters, everything was hunky dory, until I saw the Packers that were named alternates.

I presume the alternates are named the same way that the starters and reserves are named. The alternates do not actually get to call themselves "Pro Bowlers" until someone on the roster fakes an injury and needs to be replaced. Historically most of the alternates make it to Hawaii (this year Miami). So this is where I got confused. The named alternates for the Packers were: Clay Matthews (well deserved, at the least. Other than Woodson, probably the most impactful player on the defense), Chad Clifton, Ryan Grant and A.J. Hawk.

Clay Matthews is well deserving. It is pretty tough to evaluate players against each other generally. Especially on defense where statistics don't tell alot of the story. Ten sacks though is pretty good.

Chad Clifton is probably not deserving. He was oft penalized. If I had to go offensive line on the Pack I would probably say Josh Sitton. But o-line is near impossible to evaluate. I can't get too broken up about this.

Ryan Grant. It has been pretty well documented how I feel about him. But putting personal feelings aside, pretending I never saw him play, and just looking at pure numbers this season, he was pretty good. 1,200 yds (3rd in NFC), 10 TDs (4th) and somehow averaged 4.4 yards a carry. Statistically, I guess he deserves this. If you actually watch a Packer game, especially games 1 through 12, you realize that this is a joke. The only time he looks legit is when he doesn't get touched, which didn't start happening (and never happens in GB for some reason) until late November. Before that he was borderline terrible. He's average at best. But I can't really argue with him being named an alternate. Begrudgingly.

The entire reason I wrote this post was A.J. Hawk. I want to preface this by saying that I don't HATE A.J. Hawk. When the Packers drafted Hawk, I could not have had higher hopes. My wife got me a Hawk jersey that I wear every Sunday (because that is what I have, not because I'm still a giant fan). He has cool hair. He was a borderline celebrity because his wife wore that ridiculous jersey to the Ohio St./Notre Dame game. He is a gigantic human being. But if we are going to be honest here, he has been a bit of a disappointment. I don't want to say bust because he has started since day one, and has been an average NFL linebacker. I think we single him out for ridicule because of the high pick, and because of the high pick money he makes. If he was an undrafted free agent, he would not be criticized at all. That being said, it is still possible he doesn't deserve to start (Desmond Bishop was a BEAST in the preseason, and if playing time was based only on those four games, Bishop would be starting instead of not playing at all). This is a bit of a weak argument because I don't think McCarthy is an idiot. I think that if someone was better, Hawk would not be starting. I do think he is AT BEST the third best linebacker on the team behind Matthews and Barnett, and arguably fifth, behind Chillar and Jones. Hawk struggles in coverage, and isn't that impactful in any part of the game. I know statistics don't tell the story, but Hawk is nowhere to be found on the leaderboard in tackles, interceptions, sacks, forced fumbles. On the Packers, Barnett is in the top 20 in the NFC in tackles (only 8 more than Hawk). If there was a stat for being four yards behind a TE in coverage, Hawk would be near the top. If there was a stat for "times you blitzed and got stoned by a RB" he would probably lead the league. If you watch Packer games (and I do), you would realize that Hawk is not a Pro Bowl caliber LB.

This is a dumb argument because these players don't play the same positions for the most part, and there may be more talent at other positions, but if I had to pick other players on the roster more deserving of a Pro Bowl alternate tag than Hawk, they would be as follows : Jermichael Finley, Josh Sitton, Johnny Jolly, Ryan Pickett, Cullen Jenkins, Nick Barnett, Brad Jones (quite a few sacks, and I don't see him getting completely toasted in coverage), Tramon Williams, Jarrett Bush (just kidding), Mason Crosby (not really). Do any of those players really deserve it? I don't know, but they all are in the conversation, and all have had better years than Hawk.

My wife was so incensed by the situation, she sat and tried to figure out how it was possible that he was named an alternate. Here is what she came up with:

1) He is in that United Way commercial with Antonio Gates, so voters must've seen it and assumed he is good.

2) Voters heard that he sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber.

3) He is a semi-celebrity because he is Brady Quinn's brother in-law.

4) He has long hair, and the longer your hair, the better people think you are.

I added:

5) Voters thought we were voting based on tape from 2005 Ohio St. games.

OTHER STUFF

I better get to work, but Bucky dominated Miami last night. That game was nowhere near as competitive as the final score showed, even if they made the ending exciting.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

No Way

Also, Bill Hancock, executive director of the BCS, is an idiot. SHOCKED that he can't conceive of a way that a playoff would work. I challenge him to explain to me how Juice's Dream D-I NCAA Football Get Together is not something that could work immediately.

EagleBank Bowl Preview!

This made me laugh out loud. The bowls are much better than the Get Together. (BTW, I've got Temple +4, and Under 44.5).

PPS. Bucky 37, Miami 31

BREAKING NEWS!!!

DE PERE, WI--Al Cowlings has been fired as head coach of The White Broncos of the Orenthal James Simpson Football Association. Cowlings led The White Broncos to a championship last season, but failed to make the playoffs for the first time in three years going 7-9. He was the first and only coach of the franchise, and owner Juicelaw said at the time of his hiring in 2006: "He was the obvious choice. He was the only choice." Reached for comment, Al Cowlings replied "I'M A.C. DAMMIT!"

The search for a replacement was over quickly as The White Broncos immediately hired the urn containing the ashes of Johnny Cochran. Cochran had been the offensive coordinator for the Cleveland Browns.

Bear

Really though, for a 3 word post, you couldn't have just made it a comment?

Now Announcing!

Your 2009 OJSFA League Champion! The Jolly Pharmaceuticals! I will be the first to say this was long overdue, I deserved it because I've been consistently better than everyone else in this league for going on 4 years now and people like Brian Westbrook(2008) and Tom Brady(2007) have been fucking me in the playoffs way too much. I am the greatest champion this league has ever known and also the most humble. I respectfully and deservedly accept your praise and idle worship.

Thank you,
Jolly Pharmaceuticals

The Bears Still Suck

I came to a pair of realizations last night while half watching/half being forced to watch Viqueens v. Bears last night. First, ESPN (most specifically Jon Gruden) has turned me off to watching televised football. They have finally done it after 16 weeks of trying SO hard to make me not want to watch Monday night football. Actually, I'm going to backtrack a bit and say that they made me want to stop listening to somebody describe what I'm watching. See, as it turns out, watching approximately 100 football games a year for the last 25 years or so has made me not a fucking idiot, and I generally don't need someone describing the pictures I am seeing (apologies to blind people). With about 10 minutes left in regulation, I told my wife (who for some reason was actively forcing me to watch the Viqueens (more in a minute)) that if she didn't turn the television on mute I was either going to smash the TV, or divorce her. Even though the second option was clearly a way out of a giant mistake, she chose to mute the television, allowing me to watch the remainder of the game, and decide for myself what was happening, and guess what they announcers were saying. If you have watched the Queens play at all this year, you can pretty much guess what they were saying, and it was "He Who Shall Not Be Named (insert ridiculous superlative)." The straws that broke the camel's back occurred during the Queens "miraculous comeback", which by the way, was against a terrible team that had clearly quit weeks ago, and I'm not actually sure it counts as a comeback since THEY FUCKING LOST, but I digress. During said failed comeback, He Who Shall Not Be Named threw a fairly routine crossing route to a wide open receiver that gained the Queens like 20 yards, and Gruden acted like He threw the pass left handed between his legs, and the pass literally went through a Bears defender forcing Greg Lewis to catch the ball covered in shards of bone and tissue. Later, on a third and long, the Bears dropped everyone 48 yards off the line of scrimmage, and He hit a wide open Chester Taylor who ran 20 yards untouched. On this pass, He actually died, and rose to right hand of (Sports Bottle's) god, was dead and buried for 7 days, arose, and completed that pass, because clearly, no other quarterback would ever think to throw to a wide open receiver that had nobody within 14 yards of him. On the drive where the Queens tied it, Gruden said the following things: (I'm not making (most of) these up). "Awesome." "I'm getting goosebumps." "I just climaxed" "Wow." "Jaws, pass me a Kleenex." Putting the game on mute lowered my blood pressure to a healthy level, and I was able to watch an American football game reach an exciting conclusion.

The second thing I realized last night is how much I hate He Who Shall Not Be Named as a human being and the Minnesota Vikings as an organization. I don't like rooting for the Bears under any circumstances. Last night however, I was Jim fucking Belushi. I felt like I was watching the Packers play the Queens. The circumstances have pushed the Queens so far above the Bears on the hatred level that I actually have a hard time watching any Viqueen game because I get so angry that He exists. And its not jealousy, or even being angry that he plays for the Queens anymore, because He's been dead to me since October. Its the CONSTANT fellatio, and his full name being mentioned every three seconds, and the camera that follows him around as he ignores his head coach the entire game. Watching the Queens have any success whatsoever just aggravates me so much. Watching His fucking shithead antics, and the fact that the games are forced down my throat every week, has made me actively avoid watching Viqueen games, even if it means not watching football at all. That is how bad it has gotten. My wife generally feels the same way, although she is transfixed on hoping something shitty happens and actively rooting for the opponent, therefore forcing me to watch against my will.

Now that I've found the mute button, perhaps my life has changed for the better, and I will not die of a heart attack.

Get Together Recap: (1) Georgia Tech v. (2) Ohio St.

AT ATLANTA, GA

(1) Georgia Tech 7
(2) Ohio St. 51

The teams combined for 810 total yards. 29 of those yards were passing yards. The Buckeyes averaged 7 yards a carry. Ohio St. moves onto play Texas in the Cotton Bowl Quarterfinal. Two Big Ten teams in the quarters.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Get Together Recap: (1) Texas v. (3) Utah

AT AUSTIN, TX

(1) Texas 39
(3) Utah 9

Also, the top/bottom placement is based on the location in the brackets, not home/away. So shut your face.

Playoffs? Christmas? Bowl Games? New Year's?

PACKERS

That was a beat down of epic proportions. Strangely, if Hasselbeck doesn't throw 14 INTs (he just threw another one) Seattle actually kind of sort of moved the ball on us. Hasselbeck threw more INTs in the last two games than Rodgers has ALL SEASON. Rodgers is really, really, really good.

As weak of a schedule as we played this year, it is pretty disingenuous to say 15 games into the year that our defense hasn't proven anything because we got eaten up by Minnesota (twice) and Pittsburgh. And we "padded our stats against bad teams". The thing is, there are approximately 25 bad teams in the NFL this year so EVERY team played a bunch of bad teams. There are two 40 point blowouts every week. So you can save the criticism (Brian Billick) for someone that is a fucking moron (i.e. anyone that thinks anything Billick says is right). The Packers have a large hole in their defense (Jarrett Bush). But if they can get to the QB, they can mask the deficiencies. They also have a large hole on offense (the line), but if the receivers can get open and catch, Rodgers is good enough to mask this. This is the same story for every other team in the league. Everyone has a glaring weakness. The good ones can cover it up. I'm not sure what my point is other than we are what we are, a pretty fucking dangerous team, that is completely capable of shutting you out, or letting you throw for 500 yards and score 40 on a given day, while also putting up 40 of our own. I give the Pack a puncher's chance against any team in the NFC right now. They should be no more than touchdown underdogs against anyone.

Next week could get awkward. The Pack will know by the time they play what needs to happen. They can basically pick their opponent, although I'm not sure I recommend trying to lose. Depending on how things shake out, they could be at Minnesota, Arizona, Philly or Dallas. Say they know the following at kickoff next week: a) win and they will come back to Arizona next week, b) lose and go to Minnesota. I say they better fucking win. OR a) win and go to Dallas, b) lose and go to Arizona. Now you've got a different decision potentially there are a million scenarios, but what if they are better off losing? Do you take the chance of basically laying down? My thinking is that in the NFL, you can't do this because you will get punished. Even if you are resting all of your starters, your backups have to play a normal game.

Dear Giants, thank you for sucking.

CHRISTMAS

No vacuums for me this year, although I did get a garbage can holder last year. I got a GPS, a bunch of clothes, some books, and some cash. Pretty nice haul.

I also got the equipment to hook my PS3 up to the internets. Playing Madden online is pretty life altering when you do it the first couple of times. It was like getting a whole new game. Other games were not so good online. Madden was by far the best.

Being back at work sucks.

BOWL GAMES

Speaking of being back at work, everyone in the U.S. should be given off the rest of the week after today. Reason? I've stated this before, and it applies again: If there is a major U.S. sporting event (if the sport is not normally played on a weekday afternoon) on DURING THE DAY, it is a holiday, and you shouldn't be working. Tomorrow there is a bowl game on at 3:30 p.m. I'm pretty sure Wednesday there is too. The Badgers play Ohio St. at 1 p.m. on Thursday. I have to work all of those days. It should be against the law.

NEW YEAR'S

Going to be getting blacked out at a buddy's house. I somehow have to work all day on New Year's Eve. I'm old enough that going to the bars doesn't sound like fun at all.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Wagering Extravaganza

I'm up about $77 over the past couple days. On Christmas it was the NBA carrying me to a $23 overall win and yesterday it was mainly the NHL leading me to a $54 win. Going in to today I'm up about $33 this week.

Account balance - $113.60

I thought of an idea today to make my wagering interactive with our loyal readers (Bear and Juice). I think next Sunday I'm gonna be taking suggestions for the NFL games. We'll put together a large parlay and I'll be willing to mail a very small percentage of the possible winnings to those who participate.

A lot of action today. I have a couple large NFL parlays using the money line favorites. I also did a large parlay with all underdogs covering the spread (i.e. Seahawks +14 against the Pack). I took the Cowboys -7.5 tonight against the Redskins on Sunday Night Football. I have Clemson -6.5 in the Music City Bowl against Kentucky. And then of course I have my NHL parlay.

Moving on.....

If I wasn't a Packer fan I would think it's hilarious that Jaret Bush is an NFL player. TJ Houshmandoaonhaoiurezadeh just did a "double move" on Bush for a big pass play. There was no double move. Not even close. He just kinda ran slightly inside and then ran slightly to the outside and burned Bush. As the ball was in the air I already knew it was Bush playing D, and I use the phrase "playing D" loosely. I can already see it now. Our first playoff game. Crosby misses 7 field goals and Bush gets burned for 5 tds.

Why does no one ever bitch about the TV timeout in basketball? It's such an unnatural pause in a basketball game and can artificially ruin a team's momentum. There are 8 of them in a college basketball game. I just think it's strange and annoying.

My big Christmas gift this year was, pause........ wait for it ......... A VACUUM!!!!! That's right boys and girls, I've reached the age when it's acceptable to receive a vacuum as my big gift.

Not that I give a shit, but McCarthy just challenged the stupidest play. Deion Branch obviously had two feet in. That's just a waste of a timeout. I'd be more pissed if it was the 2nd half, but come on. Who's upstairs advising that dipshit to challenge in the first place?

Get Together Results: (1) Cincinnati v. (2) Iowa

AT CINCINNATI, OH

(1) Cincinnati 23
(2) Iowa 41

First home team to lose. Iowa moves on to face TCU in the Citrus Bowl Quarterfinal.

Packer Preview

I'm going to say 28-10 Packers. Didn't manage to get tickets, so I'll be watching from home. Seattle is just not very good at all. This was the shortest preview ever.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Get Together Recap: (1) Alabama v. (2) Penn St.

AT TUSCALOOSA, AL

(1) Alabama 36
(2) Penn St. 13

Holy. Sh*t.

Not much to say here other than the last two posts are now worthless.

From the OJSFA front page on Yahoo!:

League Notes
Please note the NFL changed its ruling of Kurt Warner's week 15 touchdown pass to Anquan Boldin to a lateral, making it a rushing play. Stats related to this play have been updated to reflect this change.


Which means it is now Bear taking on Loaf Cobra (Faribault Frauleins), because Loaf Cobra now won by 2.7 instead of losing by 3.3. My brother had Warner.

I immediately knew something was wrong when my phone rang at 9 a.m. and it was my brother. I figured either someone was dead, or there was a terrible fantasy football accident because he never calls that early. Drama.

Direct quote from Ms. Juice, "I would be fucking irate if that happened to "us". Because I love money. Especially when I don't have to do anything to get it." Marital bliss.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

OJSFA Championship: Alleged Double-Murder Bowl IV

That is just a working title by the way. We could go with "Knife Bowl", "Stabbing Bowl", "Throat Slash Bowl", "Acquittal Bowl". I'm willing to take suggestions.

Anyway, this started out as a comment, but this really deserves its own post. I think what is fascinating about this matchup is the true hatred/homosexual tension between these two. The only other rivalries in this league with more latent homosexual tension are any games involving Duper.

From someone who knows both owners, they are basically the same person. Both drank themselves out of school early, and later returned. Both are assholes. Both drink (smoke?) too much. Both enjoy video games and long walks on the beach. Both are bachelors who are living the dream in their mid to late 20s. Both live in shitty college towns (River Falls and Oshkosh). Both pretty much do whatever the fuck they want whenever they feel like it. Both are my personal heroes.

This rivalry began in 1998 or 1999, at a small to mid-sized high school in Northeast Wisconsin when Bear decided for no good reason to pour nacho cheese sauce all over my brother's hot lunch. This led to a series of threatening phone calls from my dad to Bear, demanding that $1.10 for the lunch ticket. At some point, I believe at my wedding, Bear gave the lunch ticket to my dad. Fun was had by all.

Then Bear had to go pick up Shaun Alexander off of waivers, after Twinkie dropped him (Alexander was a top 5 pick and not yet completely useless), and trade him to my brother, only to have Alexander fall off a cliff and die. This did not make my brother happy. Then, last year, Bear traded my brother Tom Brady 45 seconds before he blew out his knee. And to rub it in his face, after my brother panicked and cut Brady, Bear picked him up, kept him, and he won his 2nd MVP in 3 years. So there is history.

Vegas has put Clown Baby as a 2 point favorite. 265 o/u.

I guess I hope my brother wins, because if he dies, in some sort of weird "I'm my own grandpa" circumstance, I could inherit that $250.

OJSFA, the championship game

How has there not been more hype this week that the championship game is between myself(Jolly Pharmaceuticals) and Juice's brother(Clown Baby)? We are the most dynamic members of the league and without us, there would have been no good moves/shake ups at all in the last 4 years. Write that down.

The history is there, the teams are there, the flailing, gasping for their breath as the end of the year draws neigh, who knows which one is gonna show up QBs are there. This game has all the makings of being one for the ages. I mean look at this matchup

QB:
Tom Brady vs. Kurt Warner

Advantage:
Even.
Both Warner and Brady have had huge games and absolute shit shows... Brady on the year has been better overall, but some of that is inflated stats from that huge game against the Titans


RB:
Thomas Jones, Ricky Williams and Steven Jackson vs. Chris Johnson, Beanie Wells and Laurence Maroney

Advantage:
Clown Baby
I don't trust that Chris Johnson won't go off for 45 points against me and as of late Beanie and Maroney have been fairly consistent. My 3 could edge out his 3, but I don't think any of them are going to blow up for a 30+ point week.


WR:
Brandon Marshall and Miles Austin vs. DeSean Jackson and Megatron.

Advantage:
Jolly
I'll give myself the edge here, simply because who the hell knows if Johnson will even get a ball thrown his way that is catchable. Huge talent that's definitely been causing fantasy owners pains this year because of a rookie QB and a shitty team.


TE:
Brent Celek vs. Fred Davis

Advantage:
Push
It's your TE spot... Even in a PPR league their production can really vary. Celek has been good for 10-15 in a lot of games this year, so he's probably more consistent. Campbell loves checking down to his TE though, so Davis gets a lot of garbage catches and points. Interesting side note here, Bizarro bid 15 bucks on Davis last week and I bid around 12 as insurance against Celek being hurt. Davis scored 17.5 points last week and Bizarro beat TJ by what? 3 points? If I had pulled my sack out from between my legs and bid half my 40 dollars I had left, in the second to last week of the season, TJ would have more than likely made the championship game.


K:
Just kidding, who gives a shit


DEF:
Minnesota vs. Houston

Advantage:
Clown Baby
Minnesota's D used to be awesome... Now they suck balls, but they're playing the Bears and Cutler is one insulin fueled low blood sugar fit away from throwing 7 picks at any given moment so I'll take my chances. Houston plays Miami, who knows if he'll actually even stick with them? All I know is, after the last 2 weeks, the Queens D can definitely stink up the joint.


So there's my expert breakdown of the match up. My prediction for the winner? I'll leave that up to the fans to decide.

Mike Shanahan visiting Green Bay...

Ok, so take this one with a grain of salt... I just had a really good friend of mine claim that Mike Shanahan was in Green Bay visiting with a realtor. This information came from one of his friends, so now the story goes, a friend of my friend, etc etc, you know how these things go. But if this is true, what the hell is he doing in Green Bay looking for a house? I can't believe that Green Bay, WI is a great spot to be buying a vacation home. I can imagine the MM presser after Shanahan is hired, "Et tu Ted?".

This is not a let's fire MM post by the way, just throwing out rumors and mumblings that are completely unfounded.

Mrs. Chilly

This is reason #1,234,543 why Kissing Suzy Kolber probably has about a million more hits a month than we do. Or ever will.

Quick Picks for Week 16

Last Week: 5-9-2
Season: 100-96-3
All-Time: 234-222-5

SD (+3), Atl (-9), Bal (+3), NYG (-7), NO (-14), NE (-9), Mia (-3), GB (-14), Oak (+3), Cin (-13.5), Ari (-14), SF (-12), Phi (-7), Ind (-5.5), Dal (-6.5), Min (-7)

Juice's Dream D-I NCAA Football Get Together: Round 2 Pairings

A quick overview of how the brackets currently stand after round 1.

(2) Penn St. at (1) Alabama
(2) BYU at (1) Oregon
(3) Nebraska at (1) TCU
(2) Iowa at (1) Cincinnati
(3) Utah at (1) Texas
(2) Ohio St. at (1) Georgia Tech
(3) Troy at (1) Boise St.
(3) West Virginia at (1) Florida

Some pretty interesting matchups. At least as good as 8 shitty bowl games that would normally be on. Second round starts tomorrow!

Get Together Recap: (2) Central Michigan v. (3) West Virginia

AT GAINESVILLE, FL

(2) Central Michigan 24
(3) West Virginia 54

Noel Devine only had 356 yards and 6 TDs. Steve Slaton who? The first round is finally over, and only a shade under a decade.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

By the Way

This is happening. Good lord. What did Buffalo fans do to deserve this? Career (pre-season) Stats: 58/104, 455 YDs, 3TD, 6INT, 49.9 QB Rating.

The Wikipedia page says it all: Career highlights: None. That made me laugh out loud.

Wagering

For those paying attention (probably just me) you already know that an empty net goal given up by the Stars last night cost me my big bet of the day. I probably had my best picking day ever yesterday. Five team NHL I got 4 right. 4 team NBA I got 3 right. I also won a 10 team college basketball parlay and I won the Monday night game. I won $7.60 on the day. If I was smart I would start betting NHL games individually. I've probably gotten about 90% right in the past week or so. If not for the Capitals scoring 4 unanswered in the 3rd period the other night and the empty netter last night, I'd be up money overall.

I made some much smaller bets today, except for the daily NCAA heavy favorite bet, which has about 12 games today. I did two individual NHL bets, which I will most definitely lose.

Cowboys cut Nick Folk and signed Suisham, obviously taking my advice and proving that Jerry Jones reads this blog. Isn't there a Grammatica brother out there somewhere, or Morten Andersen, or Gary Andersen? Hell, Jerry Kramer is still alive and he used to do some kicking for the Packers back in the day.

All-Decade List: Technology

I was throwing around the idea of doing a whole bunch of all-decade lists, because I am just as qualified as anyone else (not really) to make these kinds of lists. I still might do some, but I realized how much thought could actually go into some of these. For instance, "Songs of the Decade". There are probably like 12 million songs put out in the decade. Not that you need to listen to all of them, but you probably have to hear most of them. So when I do that list when I'm sitting around bored the day after Christmas, take it with a whole bunch of grains of salt. I decided I was going to do one based on "Technology created in the last decade that changed my life the most." This has to be something that didn't exist before 2000. I'm going to throw some on here that probably only changed my life from an advertising/envy standpoint, and that for whatever reason I never actually owned. Feel free to suggest others in the comments, as I will surely miss one or ten.

1) The iPod

I got the whole idea for the list as I was listening to my "2005" playlist on my iPod on the way to "work" and I realized that the fucker is turning 5 this week. Five years for any piece of technology, especially in today's day and age, is like turning 300 in human years. I've dropped this thing, subjected it to temperatures ranging from -40 to 120. And it still works. The battery only lasts about 40 minutes without being charged and I can no longer use it as a running aid because it doesn't like being shaken. But it still plays music in my car. I've got well over 3,000 songs on it, which prior to 2000 would have involved numerous books of CDs that took up alot of space, and got scratched. I would say that not only in the vehicle, but exercising, the iPod was the technological advance of the decade. At least personally.

2) PlayStation 3

And I haven't even hooked it up to the Internet yet (I actually have ordered the equipment to do it). I was an early adopter, getting mine in 2007. While it is hard to waste as much time as I did with PSone or PS2, based on age and responsibility, it has still been life altering.

3) DVR

This probably should be higher, but I'm too lazy to cut and paste. You'll never miss a TV show again. You can record sporting events and avoid society until you have time to watch. Unbelievable advance.

4) Blu-Ray

I have one by way of my PS3. I have watched very few honestly. I'm a little behind on this one, and I don't have much excuse other than I don't watch that many movies, and don't really rent them. I was one of the first persons I knew to have a DVD player (1998) and have a Blu-Ray player (2007) but now I'm severely behind in that category. That being said, they are spectacular and I should run out and melt all my DVDs.

5) Wii

I don't own one (although my wife seems to want one for some reason), and I don't think I would sit and play one by myself. But it is one of the coolest things to have at your house when you have people over. It is really, really fun. Just make sure you use the wrist strap, especially when you are hammered.

6) Big Ten Network

I have it, and the fact that I can watch 99% of Badger games makes it a) awesome and b) has changed my life

7) NFL Network

Great, great channel. And since I have a Dish, I have it. Football 24/7.

STUFF I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE, BUT EITHER HAVE USED, OR KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS, AND PERHAPS I WOULD LIKE IT, BUT IT HAS CHANGED THE WORLD FOR WHATEVER REASON

8) Netflix

I have resolved to get this in 2010. There are too many movies/TV series I have missed out on, that need to be rented. And I will get Blu Ray for sure.

9) iPhone

Seriously fucking cool. I still want one. Rumor has it that there is AT&T 3G in Green Bay now. I'm hoping within the next 18 months Apple allows Verizon to have the iPhone. I would get one in a second. That being said, fuck everyone that sits on it non-stop when we are sitting at a bar. There are commercials every 12 seconds for it.

10) Xbox 360

In my mind it is PS3 lite. But for those who like Xbox, I guess it is pretty good.

Get Together Recap: (1) Florida v. (4) Oklahoma St.

AT GAINESVILLE, FL

(1) Florida 27
(4) Oklahoma St. 6

Monday, December 21, 2009

Wagering

Sunday blew. I won a couple small bets which made things manageable but the NFL whooped my ass. In a 7 team parlay I was wrong on 6. But NHL once again came through for me. The Broncos losing to the Raiders cost me $50. What are the fucking odds of that?

Account balance - $79.27.

Tonight I'm gonna take it easy with only 4 bets. I'm taking the Giants -3 on Monday Night Football. Big bet of the day is a 5 team NHL parlay - Sabres, Rangers, Devils +1.5, Stars +1.5 and Blues +1.5 (5 to win 46). Random 10 team NCAA parlay with all heavy favorites and a 4 team NBA parlay - Bucks +1, Magic, Spurs and Suns.

Moving on.....

I was actually able to watch almost the entire game yesterday and I have a few thoughts.

I don't really know a whole lot about being a wide receiver in the NFL and what it takes to cover a wide receiver in the NFL but there are a couple things I simply cannot understand. First, why do DBs never have any idea the ball is coming? Turn your fucking head you fucking idiot. I'm sure your buddies are yelling that the ball is coming, especially when it's in the air, as Juice says, for 45 seconds. The second thing I don't understand is how Bell couldn't cover Wallace on that play. Wallace didn't even run a route, nor did he ever look like he was going to TRY to run a route.

In my opinion the big fuck up came on 4th and 7 on that last drive. Bring some pressure! Rushing 3 guys was a huge mistake throughout that entire drive. Big Ben is great at avoiding a rush, and the Pack did put pressure on him a couple times, but he generally has no problem avoiding the first guy (see Jenkins wide open rush at him that would've won the game). Once he does that he has all day. On 4th and 7 he had all day. We just sat back and let him pick us apart.

BJ Raji covering Heath Miller? Are you fucking kidding me? Just before the snap I said out loud "Is Raji gonna be in pass coverage?" Sure enough his fat ass couldn't catch up to Miller's fat ass. It's not Raji's fault at all, he tried, but it would be like Twinkie trying to cover me.

Mason Crosby HAS TO GO. Period. As far as I know he's gone already. Anyone else nervous during our last drive that we'd need a FG from him? He might be a great kicker but he's become Brad Lidge or Rick Ankiel or Chuck Knoblauch or that catcher from Major League 2. It's all mental. Bring in Suisham. From what I understand, Suisham was 18-21 before he missed that gimme against the Saints. We can't go into the playoffs, hopefully, with a completely unreliable kicker.

Honeymoon Over?

I sincerely hope that this is true. And judging by His comments it is. I hate to say I told you so, and it is probably too early to do so, so I won't. Yet. Can anyone start to see why the people who run the show in Green Bay maybe were getting sick of Him? All it took was losing 2 out of 3. What happens if the cold weather gets to him next week? If Philly catches them? If they had to play AT Philly in round 2?? It warms the cockles of my heart. That shitstorm would be tremendous.

Perspective From The Afterlife

I'm coming straight at you from the right hand of Sports Bottle's god to spout some overreaction, and maybe some glass half-full stuff after my heart exploded in the last two minutes yesterday.

I think I'll start with the negatives since I find myself able to write much lengthier recaps when the Packers lose. It really is amazing how little I have to write about when we win. I've probably already written more today than I had in the last five weeks. Does that make me negative? Maybe. I just think I don't have access to blow the players like the real media does, so it would seem to be a huge waste of everyone's time for me to pat anyone on the back. ANYWAYS

-Jarrett Bush. I mean, seriously. Why is he not playing for the Tennesee Titans? He is incapable of playing corner. Partially due to injuries and I presume partially due to the fact that Pittsburgh ran the Houston Oilers offense from the late 80's, Bush was on the field the entire game. He single handedly cost us 10 points. Both of the long catches he gave up were inexcusable. He completely stopped running on the first one. Both times, he had no clue where the ball was, and it was in the air for roughly 45 seconds. So frustrating. At a minimum you should be able to make a play on the ball with both of those passes. I just don't understand how you let a receiver run past you after 15 seconds. Usually when a guy gets beat, someone else is at least partially to blame. But on both of those passes, it seemed pretty clear that Bush was manned up on the guy.

-Mason Crosby. I'm trying to come up with a good corollary here if he still has a job by Monday afternoon. George Bush did a pretty terrible job at president for a while there (8 years). Matt Millen in Detroit? I think that is a pretty good one. Ned Yost? A 34 yard field goal is nearly automatic in the NFL. Thompson should have been on the horn during the game looking for a new kicker, because Dallas is probably also looking for one this week. I think that he is 1/3 responsible for the loss. I realize that it seems funny to say, and probably a stretch given everything that happened, but that FG was HUGE. There is no way there isn't someone on the street that can hit a 34 yarder 90+% of the time. It is so bad now that I really believe we are better off going for it on almost all 4th downs. That I was sure we would lose if we didn't score a TD on that last drive. I'm going to write my congressmen or something. His ineptitude is getting out of hand.

-503 YARDS???? I mean wow. We couldn't cover ANYONE. We sat in zone, and he destroyed us. We blitzed and Big Ben would break two tackles, locate Bush, and hit a wide open receiver. It was sick. Did the Steelers expose our secondary? Also, the Psycho defense doesn't work against future Hall of Fame QBs, I think we've settled that. Woodson had his worst game of the season by far. I don't believe the referees helped anything. A.J. Hawk and B.J. Raji are not capable of guarding Heath Miller.

-8 carries??? I dislike Ryan Grant. A-Rodg is awesome, and the passing game was unstoppable. So it is hard to complain about the offense. But we ran the ball less than 10 times. In an NFL game. Perhaps we could have kept that ball out of the Steelers hands? I'm pretty much nit picking.

THE POSITIVES?

-A-Rodg. May have been better than the guy that threw for 503 yards. He also torched a top 5 defense. He was amazing. Somehow, some asshole on a radio call in is going to blame him for "not winning in the 4th quarter".

-Jermichael Finley. Even though he wears a disturbing jersey (child size small, name on the back is 1/4 the size of everyone else's), he is really, really good.

-36 points. We did plenty enough to win on offense. I don't think there is any doubt how good the offense is when Rodgers isn't getting killed.

-Clay Matthews. The guy is incredible. 10+ sacks in his rookie year. And he clearly got hosed out of another one.

The Pack refuses to make this easy on anyone. Just when it looked like they were a shoo-in for the five seed, everything went wrong this weekend. If the Giants win tonight, we have a bit of a mess on our hands. We should beat Seattle handily next weekend, but there are no guarantees. Arizona now officially has nothing to play for, so we are getting Leinart in week 17. So we are still in pretty good shape.

I'm not sure you can be that broken up about losing to the Steelers on the last play of the game on a semi-miraculous throw and catch. I just hope the defensive performance was a blip in an otherwise great season. Ben R. was having a pretty great year, so it wasn't like it was completely out of the question for him to play well, I just wasn't really expecting to lose a game that we scored 36 points in. I still think we are OK. As long as we get rid of Crosby.

Get Together Recap: (2) Houston v. (3) Troy

AT BOISE, ID

(2) Houston 38
(3) Troy 62

Probably the biggest upset so far. A team nobody ever heard of destroying another team nobody thinks is good.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Get Together Recap: (1) Boise St. v. (4) Oregon St.

AT BOISE, ID

(1) Boise St. 62
(4) Oregon St. 37

Kellen Moore throws for 319 yds and 5TDs.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

More Fun With Wagering

Twinkie redeemed himself after his terrible call yesterday about the FCS Championship, although the redemption is completely imagined. I accidentally bet on Wyoming tonight +10.5 when Twinkie actually told me to bet on Montana last night against Villanova. So, I'll still give him credit as Wyoming won a great game in OT and won me $4.54. Also, Twinkie continuously makes reference to our next Vegas trip. I will go on record right now and state Twinkie will not be going on another Vegas vacation...... ever. At least not with a bunch of guys again.

Saturday was a decent day. It started out slow as #8 Tennessee lost to USC. That knocked out two parlays right off the bat. I had UWGB by 9 pts. They won by 8, successfully knocking out my $500 parlay. At that point I only had two more parlays in play. So I regrouped, came home for my dinner break and placed a few more bets. Rutgers won me $5 in their bowl game brought to you by Beef O'Bradys. The Magic, Lakers, Spurs, Rockets and Suns won bringing me $10. And a random 7 team college basketball parlay won me $21.

As I sit here I was thinking I was about to win 2 NHL parlays as the Oilers went into the 3rd period up 2-0 against the Capitals. I was getting 1.5 goals, meaning the Capitals would have to score 4 unanswered goals in the 3rd period. Right now it's 4-2 Capitals with 45 seconds left. I can't fucking believe this. That would be another $33 if the Oilers didn't shit the bed in the 3rd.

Now it's over and the day ends on a bad note. 4 unanswered goals? Ovechkin got pissed and scored 2 goals and added an assist.

Hopefully Sunday will be a repeat of last Sunday when I climbed from almost broke back to over $100.

Account balance - $92.17

Moving on.....

The Bucks blew another close game today. They simply can't play D when they need to. But they continue to prove they are much better than expected.

I went on Ebay the other day to find my girlfriend a Nintendo Gamecube game she's always talking about. While on Ebay I made an amazing discovery. There are now dual Nintendo/Super Nintendo consoles. I totally bought one and it is sitting next to me as we speak. I will totally be hooking it up when I post this. I also bought Super Tecmo Bowl for Nintendo, Super Tecmo Bowl III for Super Nintendo and Zelda for Super Nintendo. Fucking. Awesome. My future children will be pissed when I'm always playing the Playstation 7 that I bought them (myself) for Christmas

Get Together Recap: (2) Ohio St. v. (3) East Carolina

AT ATLANTA, GA

(2) Ohio St. 22
(3) East Carolina 9

Attack of the A-Train!

Anthony Tolliver was one of the most prominent players in my stint at Creighton. He is tall, clumsy, and sort of slow. He randomly developed an outside jumper in his Senior year leading to setting a record for the most "NOOOOOO....YESSSS!" moments in college basketball history. Also, made a buzzer beater in the most exciting college basketball game I've ever been to. Somehow he is in the NBA again.

Also, #4 New Mexico 84, Creighton 65 today. I have zero faith in the Jays at this point. New Mexico is one of the best offensive teams, and Creighton is seemingly one of the worst defensive. And it is at "The Pit".

Friday, December 18, 2009

Big Ten Engorgement

I figured I would put up a sports related post while mailing in this afternoon with the Penske file wide open on my desk.

The Big Ten possibly adding a twelfth team fascinates me for some reason. I'm all for them doing it. Why not? Why not just add 7 more teams? Who cares? How about adding a team, then combining with the other Big 12 to become the Big 12 North, and they can be the Big 12 South? Why not add 53 and just have your own little NCAA tournament every year and declare the conference champion the national champion?

But seriously, I'm just mostly curious who they add. Here is a list of teams that have been mentioned, and how it would help the Big Ten or Not. Keep in mind there are about 1,200 other NCAA sports not named football, and in almost all cases, all of those other sports are coming along. But I'm only going to relate the term "athletics" with Men's basketball and football, because those are the only ones I care about. Also, I have very little knowledge of any of these schools, so I am going to make large, sweeping assumptions based purely on reputation and speculation.

Notre Dame: I'm not really sure who Notre Dame thinks they are. They have a shitload of football tradition. They have a large/rich alumni base. I get all that. But I don't really get the way that they just dismiss the possibility by acting all superior like the Big Ten is so far beneath them. Let me tell you something Notre Dame: The Big Ten has all the history and tradition you have, and then some. We also have superior academics, and larger alumni bases. And our own fucking channel. For ALL sports. Now that I got that out of the way, I would love to see Notre Dame. They fit well geographically, athletically and academically. Built in rivalries with Michigan, Purdue, Michigan St. and Penn St. Would not need to be forced. Will never do it.

Missouri: They've emerged as the prohibitive favorite I guess. They are a little far south for my liking. Athletically they are probably middle of the road at best. They've had some great years in both sports, but also some historically shitty ones. I hear they have good academics. Sound interested, but it would be an odd move.

Kansas: Too far away. Basketball is good enough that they could go on another 10 year losing streak post-Mangino in football, and it would be worth it. Academics would fit in. Probably would never do it.

Iowa St.: Haven't heard them mentioned, but I don't know why. Academically and geographically would fit in perfectly. A nice built in rivalry with Iowa. Athletics have been pretty weak at least recently. Should do it.

Nebraska: I would love to kick their ass, especially in football. The basketball program is a disaster. Traditionally, the football team would fit in perfectly. Probably too far west. Academically good. Good fit, but too many Big 12 rivalries.

Texas: Seems like a huge stretch. Superior to the Big Ten athletically. Academics on par with the best. Way too far south. Not a chance.

Pitt: Geographically acceptable with Penn St. involved. Athletically they would fit in well. Don't know anything about academics. I would think they would pass.

Syracuse: Basketball powerhouse, football shithouse (at least for the last 5 years). Don't know much academically. Geographically, less than great but not that bad I suppose. I can't see them leaving the Big East purely because of basketball.

Rutgers: Why? The New York market? New York doesn't give a shit about college sports. ESPECIALLY football. Academically I guess they are good. Athletically, I'm going to say they are below average at best. A recent resurgence in football, and they've struggled recently in basketball. Rumored one of the favorites. They would probably do it.

West Virginia: Geographically too far East. I feel their academics are inferior. Athletically, they would definitely hang. More interesting case, they might do it. But the Big East is just so good in basketball, it would be hard to give that up.

VERDICT

If they are doing this only for football, it is incredibly short sighted. Most schools not named Notre Dame, and I don't know if there are others, would not want to be in two different conferences. That being the case, the Big East is out. A Big East school would be insane to leave that conference for basketball. Which, includes Notre Dame.

Seriously I think that Iowa St. and Missouri make the most sense. I say they don't invite anyone again.

Daily Wagering and Thursday Results

A minor loss yesterday. I actually won two single bets, and allow me to pat myself on the back. I liked the Jags at home but I didn't like the +4. So I bought half a point and made it +4.5. Jags lost by 4, and I won. I'm fucking brilliant. I also won the over 202.5 in the Suns/Blazers game.

I was contacted by a voice from above this morning. I was given some insider info for a bowl game tomorrow tonight. That voice from above was the omnipotent stud himself, Twinkie. He told me to take the +10.5 on Wyoming vs Fresno St. He also told me to take the under 55. I'm leaning toward the over so I'll just skip it altogether. But I will place $5 on the +10.5. If I lose, Twinkie's a dick and he owes me $5.

****UPDATE - My apologies to Twinkie. For some reason I thought he was talking about Wyoming when he was actually talking about the FCS Championship tonight and Montana vs Villanova. Twinkie says the only thing I would need to worry about is Montana blowing Nova out. I then informed him Montana is actually a 2 pt underdog. He can't believe this, so I'm set to win $5 if Montana wins.

Account balance --- $94.00

Non-Degenerate's Picks for Use By Degenerate

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 95-87-1
All-Time: 229-213-3

Ind (-3), NO (-8), Phi (-8), Ari (-12.5), Hou (-12.5), KC (-1.5), Buf (+7), Bal (-10.5), Ten (-3.5), NYJ (NL), Oak (+14), SD (-6.5), GB (+1), Sea (-6.5), Min (-9), NYG (-3)

OTHER STUFF:

-The Pack is going to have its hands full Sunday, although I truthfully am not that worried. If you look at Pittsburgh, the only thing they do that we may not handle is rush the QB. We have done a much better job in the last few weeks of keeping Rodgers from dying. Pittsburgh's offense does not scare me at all. Big Ben is good, their receivers are decent and Mendenhall isn't terrible, but we've handled far better offenses. If Grant can manage his 2.9 yards a carry, Rodgers doesn't get killed, we don't give up any kick returns for TDs (definitely not a guarantee) and we just go for it or punt on every fourth down because a FGA is a waste of time, I think we win. I'm feeling 17-16, and clinching a playoff spot. Which is SWEET.

-Really, if you haven't seen "Jersey Shore" yet, you are missing something that should be in your life. It is "Real World" only not shitty, with Italians, spray tans, steroids and hair gel mixed in. This week, a chick nicknamed "Snooki" who is about 5'1" and not skinny (one of the other castmates said she was shaped like an exercise ball), got punched in the face by a dude. It was showed in full on the previews, but the show itself blacked the actual punch out (which was highly disappointing). Anyway, I highly encourage you to watch it. It is laugh out loud funny, and the best part is the people on it are not trying to be funny.



-I have to go Christmas shopping tonight to get some shit for my wife. And then we have to go tomorrow because we haven't purchased any presents. And like every year, I don't think of buying anything until it is too late to buy it online, and every year I get angry at myself.

Get Together Recap: (1) Georgia Tech v. (4) Pitt

AT ATLANTA, GA

(1) Georgia Tech 51
(4) Pitt 44

The teams combined for 709 yards rushing. Does anyone else feel like this tournament is turning into the NBA playoffs? Rest assured, it will be over in 20 days.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wednesday Results

At simple overall win of $2.22 on Wednesday. An NHL parlay saved the day. Bradley losing at home cost me about $65. They were heavy favorites and up 9 at the half. From there they went on to lose by 3 and ruin a 6 teamer and an 8 teamer.

Account balance --- $104.00. I have $25 in overall wagers today with a whopping total amount of possible winnings of over $3 grrrrrr.

Moving on....

That Bucks game was complete incredible unbelievable horseshit. I know refs favor the stars in the NBA but I'm beyond words with that blocking call. I competely understand Kobe or LeBron getting every single 50/50 call. Maybe it was a charge but maybe it was a blocking foul. But that was a pretty simple call. It was one of two things - a charging foul or a no call. It's as simple as that. The refs should be fined.

I make the plea once more - get rid of Michael Redd.

THAT WAS NOT A BLOCK!!!!

I have an all-NBA post! I caught the last half hour or so of the Bucks-Lakers game last night after the Badger game got way, way out of hand (within the first 5 minutes). The Bucks game summed up one of the reasons I can't fully get on board with the NBA.

Let me recap. About a minute left in OT. Bucks lead 106-102. Kobe drives the lane, lowers his shoulder, and absolutely destroys the chest of 7 foot Andrew Bogut, sending him flying backwards about 10 feet. Kobe then lands, and throws up some scoop shot that goes in. The whistle blows immediately, but there is no signal from any of the refs. Then, the referee that was standing at half court, the one who had the worst possible view of the attack, after 20 seconds where the refs just stared at each other, signals a block. This was a horrendous, inexcusable call. The call led Bucks color analyst Jon McGlocklin to have a coronary on the air, and scream "THAT WAS NOT A BLOCK!!!". I mean, he FREAKED OUT. It was awesome.

So Kobe gets the call, and the bucket, and makes a free throw to cut it to one. The Bucks fail to score and Kobe comes down and drills a fall away at the buzzer, which I would have bet my entire life savings (like $30) on. So predictable.

The situation is exactly why I hate the NBA. The stars of the league get every chance to get every call. Had that been Derek Fisher barrelling through the lane, it was a charge. Had it been Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, it is a charge. Had it been LeBron, it was a block. You cannot take the NBA seriously, because the NBA wants the stars to win. The officiating is crooked. I was turned off by the NBA in 2001 when the Bucks got hosed in the Eastern Conference Finals. And it continues to happen.

Aside from my NBA hating, the Bucks should have won that game. If Michael Redd wasn't dead and hit either of the two wide open threes he missed in OT, the Bucks win. If Bogut makes a free throw at the end of regulation, the Bucks win. If Ersan doesn't miss two free throws in OT, the Bucks win.

Get Together Recap: (2) Miami v. (3) Utah

AT AUSTIN, TX



(2) Miami 13

(3) Utah 41

More non-chalk! Utah rushes for 330 yards, and blows out the Hurricanes. Utah moves on to play at Texas.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

OJSFA Playoff Previews!

RIP Billie Jean (8-6) at Jolly Pharmaceuticals (9-5)

One of these teams will become the first team to get to its second championship. The other will be ridiculed. Twinkie (alleged Bastard) v. Bear (definitely sometime Bastard)

History: Series tied 4-4
Playoff History: Billie Jean leads 1-0
Recent History: Billie Jean won both meetings
Key Players: Billie Jean: WR duo of Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald; Jolly: MVP QB Tom Brady
Odds: Billie Jean by 7 1/2, O/U 262.5

Faribault Frauleins (8-6) at Clown Baby (9-5)

Loaf Cobra, a dude who used to blog on this site and who's name appears to the left, has defied the odds and made the playoffs in his franchise's second year. He's playing by brother, the Unknown QB.

History: Series tied 1-1
Playoff History: None
Recent History: Faribault won the only meeting this season. By 67 points.
Key Players: Clown Baby RB Chris Johnson; Faribault has RB Ray Rice
Odds: Clown Baby by 1, O/U 280.5

Tuesday Results

I'm making a habit of one very large parlay every day, with possible winnings anywhere from $500-$2000. I've been relatively close, but nothing to pop a chub over. Today it's an NBA parlay.

As for Tuesday, I won an easy combo NBA/NCAA parlay for a $5 win. I came close to a hundred dollar win, but, looking back, I actually wasn't very close at all.

Account balance $101.78.

I wanted to take a day off today since I'm busy tonight and can't watch any games, but I couldn't do it. I have $25 on the line tonight.

Packers are 2 point underdogs this weekend at Pittsburgh. I would take Pittsburgh, but I wouldn't be surprised to see that line come down to 1. In fact, I think I'll make that bet right now.

ROLL TIDE!

Not that I would know anything about said matters, but this is the greatest piece of legal writing I've ever seen. I now hate Alabama a little bit less.

Oh Oh!

Are we in Russia? How do you think my employer would feel about the fact that not only do I run one of the most successful Fantasy Football leagues in the history of fantasy football (OJSFA), but I'm in at least 3 others, as well as 2 basketball leagues, 2 baseball leagues, and I write this blog which discusses (amongst other things): fantasy football, gambling, work sucking, not working at work, and bosses being assholes.

Get Together Recap: (1) Texas v. (4) Cal

AT AUSTIN, TX

(1) Texas 43
(4) Cal 0

Yawn. Maybe the tournament wasn't such a great idea (not true). Maybe there are too many teams? (Also not true). Anyone wanna bet on how many blowouts we see in one of the THIRTY FOUR shitty bowl games?? At least this blowout will be watched. I'm just sayin.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

2009 OJSFA Awards Extravaganza!!

You are looking live! At the 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association Awards Extravaganza/Red Carpet Special/After Party! This year's ceremony is taking place at the illustrious Stadium View Bar & Grill in beautiful Green Bay, WI. Wind chills are a mere -10. Without further ado, your hosts: Kanye West (gay fish) and Alleged Tiger Woods mistress #11!



We will start with the biggest award, and arguably the most controversial. The O.J. Simpson Award. This award is given to the Most Valuable Player in the league, which is determined to be the highest scoring player on the team with the best record in the league. I didn't make up the rules (I did), but they must be followed.


The winner this year: Tom Brady. Brady arguably had about the 5th or 6th best season as far as QBs go. And not even close to his best season. Yet he was the best player on a shitty best team in the league, so he wins his second MVP in three years. Also he has gone MVP, LVP, MVP in consecutive years. Which is crazy. Chris Johnson just shot his pistol into the air and said: "Fuck the rules". Kanye went on a ten minute rant about how I don't care about black people because I gave the award to the white QB even though Johnson was clearly superior.

Past Winners:
2006: LaDanian Tomlinson
2007: Tom Brady
2008: Phillip Rivers

The next award is the Ryan Leaf Award for the Least Valuable Player. This is a player drafted in the first three rounds, with the least number of points. This is a great award, because there is always a good candidate, even though it is arguably an award for the best player to get injured and fuck a team. Of course, this year, Bear had the MVP AND LVP, so it obviously doesn't mean much if you are omnivorous and make a few lucky moves.

This year's winner is Brian Westbrook who has been gunning for this award for years, and has finally injured every part of his body.
Past Winners:
2006: Domanick Davis (RIP, possibly killed by Marvin Harrison)
2007: Marvin Harrison
2008: Tom Brady

The next award goes to the highest scorer regardless of team affiliation. It is named after a dude who scored more than any other dude ever, Wilt Chamberlain. Although we may consider renaming it after Tiger Woods. Alleged Mistress #11 says: "No you diin't".

Drew Brees wins this for the second straight year. He is really good. Also, his team, The No Talent Ass Clowns, missed the playoffs again. To be fair, this team scored a lot more than my team did, but had a worse record.

Past Winners:
2006: LaDanian Tomlinson
2007: Tom Brady
2008: Drew Brees

This next award is an inside joke to Packer fans, that relived itself when the Packers played the Lions. It is the Marquand Manuel Award given to the best "sleeper pick" in the draft, which is a player drafted in the 10th round or later with the most points. It is tied to Marquand Manuel because he would often be caught napping in the secondary and let receivers streak past him for TDs even though a safety is never supposed to let anyone deeper than him on the field. Somehow, the Lions were bad enough that he reappeared this year as a freaking starter, and the Packers promptly exploited the matchup for a deep TD, much to my delight.

This year's winner did not even start for his team, but the rules are once again the rules, so the winner is Matt Schaub, who sat behind Chamberlain Award winner Drew Brees. The list of past winners is pretty impressive, which might mean big things for Schaub next year.

Past winners:
2006: Maurice Jones-Drew

2007: Tony Romo

2008: Aaron Rodgers

The next award is the Sports Bottle Award, which goes to the Rookie of The Year. It is named after Sports Bottle because he went 2-14 in 2006, so he had obviously never played fantasy football before.

This year's winner is Percy Harvin, who is the first WR to win the award. Fuck him.

Past Winners:
2006: Maurice Jones-Drew
2007: Adrian Peterson
2008: Matt Forte

The penultimate award is the Kobe Bryant Award for the most ass raping-ist trade (allegedly). Lack of any real good candidates this year, but there was one trade so someone has to win.
This year the award goes to Twinkie for trading me Kevin Walter for Rashard Mendenhall before the season began. To be fair, neither player lasted more than a few weeks on either team. Basically, Tom Brady is somehow involved every other year, so Bear needs to trade him in the offseason. Also, in four years Bear to my brother has won twice, and a Twinkie/me trade has been involved twice. Someone else should make a trade.

Past winners:
2006: Shaun Alexander (Bear) to my brother for Brady/Andre Johnson
2007: Lawrence Maroney (Me) to Twinkie for Torry Holt
2008: Brady/L. Coles (Bear) to my brother for Big Ben/Reggie Wayne
The final award pains me to give out. It is the Reggie White Award for the free agent pick up of the year. It is the player who was undrafted, who scored the most points. This year's winner also did not play on his team and sat the bench all year because he had a far superior QB ahead of him, which in this case is really, really ironic.
The winner is He Who Shall Not Be Named, who sat behind Aaron Rodgers on Schmock's Team. I hope he dies. The past winners include a dog killer, a shitty QB and a Jesus freak with 12 kids.

Past Winners:
2006: Michael Vick
2007: Derek Anderson
2008: Kurt Warner

Monday Results

Six total bets and I won one of them resulting in an overall win of about $2. I won a three team college basketball parlay - Troy +17, Georgia Tech -16.5 and Florida Atlantic for $27.13. I can't believe how bad the Cardinals looked last night. I had them at -4. I tried a lucrative NBA parlay that would've paid $375 and I actually came pretty close. I also missed an NHL parlay due to a late goal by the Canucks. I'm liking the spread in the NHL games. They are always 1.5 goals either way. So I'll either pick a team at +1.5 or I'll pick a team to win straight up. There are so many one goal games.

I have six more wagers tonight with two more of those lucrative parlays (college basketball and NBA). I also have a nice NHL parlay in there too.

Total account balance prior to today's bets - $125.77.

Get Together Recap: (2) Iowa v. (3) Middle Tennessee St.

AT CINCINNATI, OH

(2) Iowa 37
(3) MTSU 16

Monday, December 14, 2009

Good Riddance

I dislike Jason Kendall. These people also do. Awesome.

Bowl Season and Licking the Bowl Season

Allow me to beat a dead horse for a minute. The BCS/Bowl system is horrendous. It is so horrendous that I had to join one of those bowl pick pool things in order to even consider following the bowls. Have you LOOKED at some of the matchups? I'm not even going to bother getting into all of them specifically, but there are multiple games involving (6-6) teams. Ohio (9-4) is playing Marshall (6-6) on the day after Christmas IN DETROIT!! Tell me again how this is better than Juice's Dream Division I-A Football Get Together? There is ONE game that matters, and that is the fake championship. Might some others be entertaining? Sure, but at the end of the day, are you going out of your way to watch them (unless you have money on it?) I think that THIS above all other things is why the system is so flawed and how any argument against it is stupid and wrong.

BEING FAT

The holidays suck for alot of reasons (crowds, weather, being forced to see your family, shopping, etc.). One reason the holidays are great is the food. The holidays generally give you an excuse to eat things covered in chocolate and frosting in high numbers. But almost a year ago, I made a pledge to myself that due to all of my health issues, I was going to make a concerted effort to keep around a certain weight, even if that meant deprivation. Well, this goal is making the holidays awful. My lovely wife made about 73 dozen cookies and a whole bunch of peanut butter cups. I ate approximately 8 dozen cookies and 87 peanut butter cups in a week or so last week. This lead to major weight gain. Now, I am on a diet of sorts, and assholes from all over keep bringing candy and cookies into work and force me to walk by them all day long.

"Moderation" says everyone. Well, fuck everyone. I'm not capable of moderation when it comes to anything really. Put something I like in front of me and I'm eating it until I feel sick. Give me an adult beverage and take my keys and I'm getting blacked out. I can't have one. And for this reason, I hate the holidays.

Get Together Recap: (1) Cincinnati v. (4) Temple

AT CINCINNATI, OH

(1) Cincinnati 58
(4) Temple 30

Tony Pike threw for 493 yards and 6 TDs as the Bearcats trounced Temple minus their head coach. The trend of ridiculous offensive stats continues.

I hate Mason Crosby, but....

I cannot stand Mason Crosby. Sports Bottle is absolutely right that we are lucky he hasn't cost us a game. I think it is probably best if we cut ties now so that he doesn't miss a 36 yarder to win the NFC Championship at the Metrodome, and he is murdered 12 million times over by Packer fans. He has made at least 2 games far more interesting than they needed to be. The thing is, he is missing routine kicks. Kicks that you would think most NFL kickers should make more than 95% of the time. It has gotten to the point where we won't even try a FG over 50. And in the NFL, occasionally you need a 52 yarder. A hail mary has a better chance of going in at this point.

Statistically, Crosby has not only been horrible compared to past years, but he is horrible compared to other kickers. He currently ranks TWENTY NINTH in the NFL in FGpct (75%), which is probably a deceiving stat since it includes all FG regardless of distance. It appears the NFL average is somewhere around 85%. To make it ever worse, Crosby is 5 of 12 from over FORTY YARDS!!! That is under 50%!!

I was about to make the argument that he is just as good as anyone off the street, but I'm not so sure. Under 50% from 40 yards and out is inexcusable. I don't think it is jumping the gun to ask for his job. Its not like he missed one short FG and cost us a game and everyone is freaking out. He is just consistently shitty. I don't think he should be required to cost us a game before he is gone.

Prediction: He is on the team next week at Pittsburgh.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sunday Results

Big day for me on Sunday.
  • won an 8 team money line parlay - $5 won $42.97
  • won a 4 team NBA parlay with over/under, money line and spread - $5 won $23.41
  • won an NFL prop bet - first score of Redskins/Raiders would be a FG - $8.41 won $9.25
  • won a 2 team NHL parlay - $5 won $8.32
  • won 2 team NFL parlay - $5 won $5.76

If the Bears would've covered 4.5 I would've won another $140. Fucking Mason Crosby fucked that up for me. Had he hit that FG the Pack would've been up 10. The Bears possibly drive for a late TD and lose by 3. But by missing that I didn't have much of a chance.

The account balance is up to $123.14, meaning you'll have to put up with my obsession for about one more week. I've made back my 2nd installment and plan to ride this wave to an early retirement.

I've come to realize you start to understand what bets to place a little better the more you do it. Not to suggest I'll start winning, but I know a lot more about a lot more teams right now. Like Boston College is awful. They've lost to Harvard and Rhode Island back to back.

Other thoughts -

Mason Crosby needs to be cut right now. We are incredibly lucky his dick suckiness hasn't cost us a game. You could hear the sadness in the radio announcers voices when he missed that FG today. I don't care who they get. Pick up the dude the Redskins just cut. Maybe a change of scenery will help that guy and maybe Crosby will benefit as well.

What is it about the 2nd half of games. The Packers simply suck. The term "it" is applied to many teams and players. The Packers don't have "it." At least not yet.

Bears fans were so pumped to get Jay Cutler. My dad has a friend in Chicago who told him before the year began that they finally had the guy to win them a championship. He has great skills, there's no doubt about that. But he doesn't have "it" either. He simply sucks this year. Besides, he looks like a whiny little brat.

The Bucks are entirely unpredictable. They almost beat the Celtics at Boston. And they won a great doubt OT game against the Blazers, although they shit the bed in the 4th quarter and almost lost. They're much better than expected and maybe a playoff team without a very good record. Brandon Jennings is the go-to clutch player. He's a stud in the making, but not quite there yet, too inconsistent. We'll groom him into an All Star and then he'll go to NY or LA in a couple years. Michael Redd is done. He makes this team worse. Trade him. Now.

Quick Thoughts

-No reason the Packers should lose today on paper. It has been like 6 months since they've played at noon. However, this has the stench of a game that the Packers could lose. A random kickoff return here. A 70 yd pass interference penalty there. A blind side hit/fumble/return on Rodgers. I just have a bad feeling for some reason. If I had to bet (and SportsBottle does, likely as part of a 12 team parlay) I would say Packers 23, Bears 13, but I'm stressed out.

-The loss to George Mason yesterday put a nail in the at-large coffin for Creighton (3-5). They will have to get their shit together for Arch Madness.

-Thoughts on TV shows: This is one of the best overall seasons of South Park. I can't recall a bad episode. There haven't been any super-offensive episodes that I can think of, but even the random ones were really funny. I've still got two left that I haven't seen, but I've been impressed. Butter's Bottom Bitch was the best one I think. ESPN's "30 for 30" series has been fantastic. I've only watched like 4 of them so far, but all have been awesome except for the Ali one, which wasn' t that great. I'm kind of pumped for the Jimmy the Greek one and The U.

Get Together Recap: (2) Virginia Tech v. (3) Nebraska

AT FORT WORTH, TX

(2) Virginia Tech 20
(3) Nebraska 21

Our first upset! And a non-ridiculous blowout! In a rematch of a classic regular season matchup won by Virginia Tech late, Nebraska returns the favor, scoring with 3:27 left to take the lead for good. Ndomakong Suh didn't register in any important stats except for awesome names. Nebraska will take on TCU in round 2.