Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Bears Still Suck

I came to a pair of realizations last night while half watching/half being forced to watch Viqueens v. Bears last night. First, ESPN (most specifically Jon Gruden) has turned me off to watching televised football. They have finally done it after 16 weeks of trying SO hard to make me not want to watch Monday night football. Actually, I'm going to backtrack a bit and say that they made me want to stop listening to somebody describe what I'm watching. See, as it turns out, watching approximately 100 football games a year for the last 25 years or so has made me not a fucking idiot, and I generally don't need someone describing the pictures I am seeing (apologies to blind people). With about 10 minutes left in regulation, I told my wife (who for some reason was actively forcing me to watch the Viqueens (more in a minute)) that if she didn't turn the television on mute I was either going to smash the TV, or divorce her. Even though the second option was clearly a way out of a giant mistake, she chose to mute the television, allowing me to watch the remainder of the game, and decide for myself what was happening, and guess what they announcers were saying. If you have watched the Queens play at all this year, you can pretty much guess what they were saying, and it was "He Who Shall Not Be Named (insert ridiculous superlative)." The straws that broke the camel's back occurred during the Queens "miraculous comeback", which by the way, was against a terrible team that had clearly quit weeks ago, and I'm not actually sure it counts as a comeback since THEY FUCKING LOST, but I digress. During said failed comeback, He Who Shall Not Be Named threw a fairly routine crossing route to a wide open receiver that gained the Queens like 20 yards, and Gruden acted like He threw the pass left handed between his legs, and the pass literally went through a Bears defender forcing Greg Lewis to catch the ball covered in shards of bone and tissue. Later, on a third and long, the Bears dropped everyone 48 yards off the line of scrimmage, and He hit a wide open Chester Taylor who ran 20 yards untouched. On this pass, He actually died, and rose to right hand of (Sports Bottle's) god, was dead and buried for 7 days, arose, and completed that pass, because clearly, no other quarterback would ever think to throw to a wide open receiver that had nobody within 14 yards of him. On the drive where the Queens tied it, Gruden said the following things: (I'm not making (most of) these up). "Awesome." "I'm getting goosebumps." "I just climaxed" "Wow." "Jaws, pass me a Kleenex." Putting the game on mute lowered my blood pressure to a healthy level, and I was able to watch an American football game reach an exciting conclusion.

The second thing I realized last night is how much I hate He Who Shall Not Be Named as a human being and the Minnesota Vikings as an organization. I don't like rooting for the Bears under any circumstances. Last night however, I was Jim fucking Belushi. I felt like I was watching the Packers play the Queens. The circumstances have pushed the Queens so far above the Bears on the hatred level that I actually have a hard time watching any Viqueen game because I get so angry that He exists. And its not jealousy, or even being angry that he plays for the Queens anymore, because He's been dead to me since October. Its the CONSTANT fellatio, and his full name being mentioned every three seconds, and the camera that follows him around as he ignores his head coach the entire game. Watching the Queens have any success whatsoever just aggravates me so much. Watching His fucking shithead antics, and the fact that the games are forced down my throat every week, has made me actively avoid watching Viqueen games, even if it means not watching football at all. That is how bad it has gotten. My wife generally feels the same way, although she is transfixed on hoping something shitty happens and actively rooting for the opponent, therefore forcing me to watch against my will.

Now that I've found the mute button, perhaps my life has changed for the better, and I will not die of a heart attack.

2 comments:

ricky said...

Well said my friend. My hatred for everything purple is actually starting to scare myself. I think I might need counseling. At least I don't live in MN. Wait, FUCK I do live in MN. The past few weeks have definately pulled me down from the ledge though.

Bear said...

Cutler's OT bomb was payback for Favre's 07 OT bomb in Denver. JAY CUTLER NEVER FORGETS BRETT!!!!!!!!!