Thursday, December 31, 2009

the 4th amendment is dead (long rant)

So, this post is almost 2 months overdue. The reason this post involves sports is because my friend, (let's call him Bert) was home on leave from Iraq and he flew me to Nebraska to watch the Nebraska-Oklahoma football game in November. (10-3 Huskers, great game.) I should explain that Bert is an ex-Marine (works for a private company now) but he suffers from little man's syndrome big time.

Anyways, my flight arrived at 10:30 p.m. on Friday. Checked into hotel around 11 p.m., headed to hotel lobby and visited with Bert, Bert's dad and Bert's uncle. We visited and drank until about 12:30 a.m, which was probably 3 drinks in about an hour (at a bargain price of about 7 bucks a drink). Approximately 12:45 a.m. Bert suggests that we head downtown. I inform him that the bars close in Omaha close at 1 p.m. (which is way too early). However, I wisely offer the alternative of heading across the river to CouncilTUCKY, Iowa, where the bars are open until 2 a.m.

We TAKE A CAB, like responsible adults. We proceed to drink until about 1:45. It was pretty lame, just played pool and bullshitted. There were no shots, no shotgunning beers, no cocaine, etc. It was two, lame old guys bullshitting at a bar. As we were attemping to contact a cab to head to the riverboat casinos, Bert was talking to a girl on the sidewalk. Out of the blue a dude punches Bert right in face/lip, and immediately runs onto one of those party buses, commonly used for bachelorette/soriety parties. Unfortunately, there were at least 6 other guys on the bus waiting for us to do something stupid. A very upset Bert attempted to rush the bus when I grabbed him (b/c I'm a bitch) and held him back to prevent: a) us from getting our asses kicked, and b) us from getting arrested. The only possible reasons he could have had for punching Bert were: a) it was his girl Bert was talking to OR b) he was simply a drunk asshole.

After finally calming Bert down and walking away, I got ahold of a cab to pick us up. Bert, still very upset about his fat lip, proceeded to flag down a law enforcement officer/stormtrooper ("to protect and serve") and attempted to explain how he was unjustly jacked in the face and showed the stormtrooper his cut lip. This lead to her promising to "investigate." She reappeared less than 5 minutes later and told us she a) pulled over the party bus; and b) talked to the guy and he said he didn't do it. She also told us "there is nothing I can do" and "we better get a cab." To which, I politely informed her that we were waiting for one.

Less than two minutes later, Bert (unwisely) flagged down another stormtrooper. This is where the story (finally) gets interesting. This stormtrooper had an immediate attitude. Bert, being an ex-marine politely called him "Sir" to which the stormtrooper replied "It's not sir, it's Sgt. Stuart (his actual name). I can't make this shit up. Sgt. Stuart told us to get out of the street and back onto the sidewalk. I immediately complied. Bert, who has alot of pride, proceeded to argue/try to explain that he was the victim of an assault. Bert was then arrested after asking for Sgt. Stuart's badge number. The entire time, I was leaning against the traffic light post (on the sidewalk) attemping to get Bert to shut the hell up. After Bert was arrested, Sgt. Stuart motioned to his fellow stormtroopers (at least 4 cars showed up to calm this "major riot"), pointed to Twinkie and said "Yeah, him too." At which point I was cuffed and stuffed, something I thought I would never have to endure.

Since I am not learned in the law, I agreed to take a PBT test at the station and gave a sample of .103 (b/c I was trying to prove my innocence). So, after spending 3 hours in the cell, getting photos taken and watching sportscenter several times (at 3:30 a.m.) I was again a free man. The fresh air never tasted so good.
Here were a number of "dousies" (FALSE STATEMENTS) from the police report I received later on:
1) Twinkie was standing in the middle of the street yelling
2) bloodshot watery eyes (the stormtrooper didn't get within 15 feet of me)
3) Twinkie was slurring his speech and continued to yell at the Officer
4) "Twinkie told me he missed his ride home and was going to walk to Omaha"
5) "Twinkie told me he had been drinking alot tonight and that he had just finished picking a fight with some of the people at the bar" (This one really slayed me, since I was the one who STOPPED the fight from happening)
6) Twinkie submitted a sample of .104 (it really pisses me off they couldn't get at least be truthful about the breath sample????) (Does a .104 really sound like I would yell in the middle of the street?)
7) The two subjects nearly avoided being struck by an East bound vehicle (the only vehicles we saw were stormtrooper-mobiles, and they were heading WEST bound.

Anyways, I still hold honest and just law enforcement officers in high regard. However, I just don't think any exist (in Iowa and Eastern Wisconsin).


Juicelaw said...

Reason number 1,234 why you always: "Stay the fuck out of Councilsippi!" This was like the first thing I was told when I moved to Omaha to pursue my degree in culinary arts. "DON'T GO TO COUNCILSAS!" said my advisor. "DON'T GO TO COUNCILSEE!" "DON'T GO TO COUNCILBAMA!"

PS. That guy wasn't just an asshole. He was an asshole meth addict with one tooth. He was from Counciltucky.

PPS. The boats don't count as Counciltucky.

PPPS. That was the worst idea you've ever had.

PPPPS. Police NEVER embelish the truth.

Last PS. You left out the part where they CHARGED YOU WITH A FUCKING CRIME for this.

So insane.

gotwinkies said...

OH yeah, I was charged with "Public Intoxication". Just to give you an idea of how unconstitutional this crime is, if you were ever to be hammered in a bar and step onto a city sidewalk to get into a cab, theoritcally, you could get a citation.

But, I'm too lazy and don't have enough money to take it all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court to get that ordinace overturned. But rest assured, it is overly vague and a violation of the 1st amendment. At least that's what my lawyer said.

Bear said...

All I got out of that was you being too drunk to remember when you physically assaulted an officer of the law

gotwinkies said...

Are you a storm trooper too?

Bear said...

Is that a threat? Officer down, I repeat, officer down!