Top 25 Week 5

1) Alabama 5-0 (LW: 1)
2) South Florida 5-0 (4)
3) Utah 5-0 (2)
4) Penn St. 5-0 (12)
5) Uconn 5-0 (13)
6) Ball St. 5-0 (9)
7) Northwestern 5-0 (14)
8) Vanderbilt 4-0 (3)
9) LSU 4-0 (15)
10) Oklahoma 4-0 (25)
11) Missouri 4-0 (7)
12) Texas 4-0 (21)
13) Tulsa 4-0 (17)
14) Georgia 4-1 (6)
15) Auburn 4-1 (24)
16) Maryland 4-1 (NR)
17) TCU 4-1 (8)
18) Fresno St. 3-1 (NR)
19) BYU 4-0 (11)
20) Oklahoma St. 4-0 (NR)
21) Kentucky 4-0 (NR)
22) Oregon 4-1 (NR)
23) Virginia Tech 4-1 (NR)
24) Michigan St. 4-1 (NR)
25) East Carolina 3-2 (5)

Dropped Out: Wake Forest (10), Wisconsin (16), UNLV (18), Texas Tech (19), Florida (20), Boise St. (22), USC (23)

Oh My Science!

Holy Shit. I might not sleep. Did he walk to the podium, or was he poured up there.

Clash of the Titans

This week is a gigantic week in the Orenthal James Simpson Football Association.  This is the week where I my team "The White Broncos" take on Ricky's team "Spider Pigs" in a battle of (4-0) teams for first place.  I overcame a subpar week to from Marion Barber to take out Mark and his B-Team All Stars last week.  Anquan Boldin is probably out this week with a broken skull, so I will probably have to go with Santonio Holmes or some other fake WR.

 

The Twins might make the playoffs tonight.  The Twins might be the least talented team that has a chance to get in.  I say might because Chicago sucks too.  I will give the edge to the White Sox because they are playing at home, which is only an advantage because the other option was to play inside of a garbage bag.

 

Dr. Aaron Rodgers's self-diagnosis of a separated shoulder was wrong I guess.  That fuck better play this week.

 

Yo going in game one.  Here's hoping he has built his stamina up to a normal person.  He is really, really good though.  Brewers will win if they can get it to 5 and get CC on normal rest (which I guess isn't 3 days) in game 5, where he will undoubtedly throw a near perfect game.  I have a hard time believing they can win two out of the four others with thier sketchy bullpen, lack of much hitting at all, the potential of "Soup" and "Bushie" appearing/starting in multiple games,  and Yo at half stamina.

 

Tony Kornhieser is making MNF unwatchable.  I normally don't let too many announcers bother me, but he makes Dennis Miller look good.  His voice during a game is just bothersome to me.  I might have to stop watching PTI.  John Madden bothers me less, and he is bothersome.  Jerry Glanville was a better announcer.  Matt Millen was a better GM.  Dan is better in bed than TK is at announcing.

Oktoberfest Overview

-Badger game sucked balls.

-I barely remember either Brewer game (see last post).

-It was generally a skeleton crew. A large number of regulars were missing and/or out of action.

- That fat bitch who is friends of nobody I know, that decided to tie her shirt up so her fat, fucking, c-sectioned stomach stuck out, and her back fat clapped? I almost committed murder....only her fucking fat kept her from feeling pain, so I just had another drink. But seriously, who the fuck was that bitch, and why did she hang around us all fucking day?

-That guy at Brother's is still trying to find the Badger game and the Brewer game on the satellite.

-Donald is still trying to find the Grand Stay Inn.

-Dan is still trying to get Brother's to open an hour early...so he can show up 3 hours late.

- I am still sitting at Brother's by myself at 9am drinking, and being stared at. I am also still screaming at Richard on the phone "Are we in Russia?"

-Dan and I are still blaming Schmock for the Badger's loss. (Because he wasn't there).

- I am still trying to figure out how to get "Brown Sugar" (our waitress at Hooter's) elected as our next Senator.

-I am still trying to figure out how those douche bags were drinking in my hotel elevator at 10 am yesterday.

-I am still trying to figure out how it was possible that my body was able to retain all 50 drinks I had on Saturday, so that I was able to vomit it all out at once when I got back to my hotel. By the way, drinking 30 screwdrivers isn't as enjoyable coming back up.

-I'm still trying to figure out how the Packers looked that poor yesterday. The run offense and defense sucked badly. Ryan Grant needs to be sent a message I think. The pass defense did everything they could to keep them in it, but to no avail. Lets hope the Matt Flynn era doesn't begin Sunday. Mike Turner might run for 200 on us next week. There is a 439% chance that Game 4 of the Brewer series is on at the same time as the Packers next week.

-I'm still waiting to find out what Ricky lost.

-I'm still wondering how many "stranglers" there were at my hotel before they locked the side door even for people with fucking keys.

-I'm still wondering how long Zeus from "No Holds Barred" (the shitty bartender at shitty Shooters) went on stealing fucking change from people before someone busted a bottle over his head.

-I can't wait till next year.

For Sale: Perfectly Good Vital Organs

It took me this long to write something, because I wasn't really that sure where to begin. I've never been as stressed out about anything as I was the last four days. Law school exams? Fuck that. Getting married? Nuh-uh. Buying a house? Puhleeze. The bar exam? For pussies. All of those things have one thing in common. Me. As in, I had something to do with the outcome. I could study, or talk, or think or do something to change the result. But there wasn't a fucking thing I could do about the Milwaukee Brewers. The only time I can remember being more stressed was the NFC Championship last year, but that was only one-ish day. There was just intense pressure for the past four days in a row of games. Luckily for me I was completely obliterated for two of them, so I couldn't process everything, and quickly forgot about them. But Thursday and Sunday was living and dying on every pitch, and relying on random clutch-ness from the decidedly unclutch (at least besides those two at bats) Ryan Braun for two mile high smashes. How do people from New York and Boston deal with this every year? I mean, at some point it becomes old hat I suppose, but every pitch for about two hours yesterday could have ended the Brewer's season. Maybe it just matters more because it has been 26 years, I dunno.

As the events finally unfolded yesterday, and the streamers started to fall, it got a little dusty in my living room. Not that it was as dusty as my wedding. No wiping was needed. But there was a faint hint of dust in the room.

After the game, my favorite quote came from Eric Gagne who, (and I'm paraphrasing here) when asked some bright question about how unbelievable Sabathia was he responded: "Unbelievable doesn't describe it. No human being should ever have been able to do what he did." I think what he meant to say was, "It takes a team of clydesdales to jack him off."

If it was possible to get drunk through your skin, CC was yesterday. I saw about 30 different pictures of him getting champagne dumped on him.

This shit has been unbelievable. Brewer fan is playing with house money right now. Honestly, I'm just happy to be here. They could lose by a combined 110 runs in three straight, and I would be OK. Do I wish that? Fuck no, I want them to win. But I think I would get over it quickly.

They have got to be underdogs, given the way Philly raped them a few weeks ago. But with CC going in games 2 and 5 (hopefully), they have a shot. Speaking of the rotation, I've been hearing it will be Yo in game 1 (which means that this, combined with leaving McClung in for four innings Friday, and leaving CC in for the 9th yesterday, means Sveum probably requires at least one clydesdale or some small ponies to jack him off), and FUCK Ben Sheets. I hope he's not even in the dugout. FUCK you.

Onto Wednesday, was there any question we would get collectively fucked with the afternoon game? I actually thought it would be both days, so we've got that. Of course, it's not like people in Wisconsin have jobs, so they shouldn't want to watch their team play in October for the first time in 26 fucking years. I of course, was hoping to sneak out, which is conceivable on most occasions. I know for a fact most if not all of my bosses will leave, and I would guess they would let me go to....so of course I check my calendar and I am booked with appointments from 2 to 5. Fucking christ. And I'm sure they will be real productive. You know what else? The receptionist that takes opposite world views of me just to piss me off, and probably doesn't even give a fuck about the Brewers, will come in to tell me they are down 3-0 in the 5th or something. That might make me finally snap. ANYWAYS, the unfortunate plan is to avoid phone/internet/TV/radio until I get home, and watch it on a 4 hour tape delay. This is no way for me to live, but I've got no other choice.

For this weekend, I've got a liver, kidney, lung, testicle, ear and pinkie toe (with nail polish) that I'm willing to trade for two tickets to Saturday or Sunday (if necessary). I would also consider oral sex.

Blow Me

Cardinals at Jets: From Peter King this week:
Brett Favre to ESPN's Ed Werder, last Thursday, on the Pack's strong two-game start: "When they have 16 good ones, then call me.''

What. A. Douche. Enjoy your 6-10 tailspin, you fucking cowgirl.

Agreed. Who the fuck does He think He is. Piece of shit.

Tasting the Tears of Others, Picks and Oktoberfest Preview Extravaganza!

Holy shit, the Brewers are tied again.  The feeling right now is completely different than it was the last time we were tied.  This time, I feel like we have some momentum.  My favorite part about last night (besides the Brewers win of course) was the excruciating pain and panic that was spreading through Mets fan last night.  Those assholes totally feel entitled to be in the playoffs because they spent $400 million on players or whatever.  Every time the Cubs did anything last night, they would show a Mets fan in the stands with his face in his hands.  I mean, a first inning walk was the end of the world.  Those people have it rough, to have to root for a guaranteed contender every year.  The best was after the collapse was complete, they would hone in on a few of these pricks, and the look on their face was priceless.  It was like they just got a phone call that their entire extended family was raped, murdered, raped again, and then burned.  It was unreal.  Needless to say, I reveled in their misfortune.

 

Quick Picks for Week 4:

 

Last Week: 7-9

Season: 21-25-1

 

Ten (-3), Den (-9.5), NO (-5.5), NYJ (-1.5), GB (+1), Car (-7), Jax (-7.5), Cin (-3.5), SD (-7), Buf (-8), Was (+11), Phi (-3), Pit (-6.5)

 

We are now 26 hours, 54 minutes and 51 seconds away from the first Oktoberfest drink of 2008.  It is going to be super-fantastical to say the least.  It is also pretty fantastic that there is going to be appointment-viewing baseball on Friday and Saturday, as well as Badger football.  To go along with the fact that the weather is going to be warm, and there will likely be sluts peddling their wares (for Dan's eyes only of course).  I predict that I will watch the Brewer game Friday, but remember next to none of it.  Saturday semi-sucks in the fact that the Badger-Michigan game (normally the highlight of Saturday) is on at basically the same time as the Brewer-Cub game.  I'm hoping that the televisions are tuned accordingly to allow viewing of both.  My suggestion would be sound and corresponding music on the football game, but plenty TV's tuned to baseball as well.  Between those two games, and the 1000 gallons of alcohol I plan to drink, I'm pretty sure I might die from either a heart attack or my head exploding.  I am jacked up beyond belief.  I'm not even sure I can adequately expound on the Packer-Bucs game Sunday (set to DVR because I may not get back by noon).  Predictions: Badgers 20, Michigan 10; Packers 21, Bucs 20; Brewers win 3 out of last four, Mets go 2-2, Brewers get in outright; Mets fan shits in his pants on live TV.

Oktoberfest Countdown

71 hours, 59 minutes, 32 seconds till first drink......

T.K. and That Feeling In the Pit of My Stomach

- I LOVE NFL football.  Absolutely LOVE IT.  Probably in an unhealthy fashion.  I will generally watch about 80-90% of all that is on every Sunday, and at least half of the Monday night game depending on what else is going on, whether it is meaningful fantasy-wise and whether I feel like watching it on a 20" lo-def TV in the bedroom.  But I didn't even make it to kickoff last night.  I couldn't.  And you know why?  Because in case you haven't heard, He who shall not be named plays for the Jets, and Oh My!, he used to play QB for the Packers.....and Tony Kornhieser is fucking annoying.  I was watching about 15 minutes before kickoff, and Kornhieser said His name like 45 times.  You would have thought He was going to be playing catch with himself for 3 hours.  I couldn't stomach it.  I went with Family Guy reruns and a show I had never seen before which is pretty funny "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" instead.  I actually forgot it was even on until I was in the shower this morning.  I was pretty happy to see the Jets got their asses kicked and He played one of His classic games where he should have thrown 9 picks, but only threw 2 (but one got run back).  I really like Tony Kornhieser generally, I enjoy PTI immensely, but I cannot stand him in the booth.  He's gotta go.

 

- This morning, the receptionist who enjoys saying things to piss me off, who also happens to be my bosses wife, came into my office to talk about "the game" last night (which I hadn't watched).  This is a woman who has lived in the GB area her whole life and professes to be a Packer fan, etc.  And then she referred to the JETS as "we".  I'm sure I didn't do a good job of hiding my contempt.  "We"?  Fucking really?  And then she was talking about how bad "we" looked.  And how bad she feels for Him because he played so bad.  What the fuck is going on the world?  Are we in Russia?  People are so fucking stupid.

 

- You know what that feeling is in the pit of my stomach?  Might it be hope?  Those fucking Brewers have a way of sucking me back in, even when they don't deserve it.  How does a team go 5-15, and somehow appear to be gaining ground again in the playoff race.  I guess because the Mets are also completely inept.  We are only ONE fucking game out.  And we only won like 2 out of our last 6.  I don't even know how this is mathematically possible.  I guess I have to be a Cubs fan for the next three days.  Realistically, we could be tied or ahead going into the weekend.  The Pirates are awful, and a sweep wouldn't be ridiculous, even as bad as we've been lately.  And a Cubs sweep of the Mets isn't insane either.  We might even be able to lose one to the Cubs and be in a one game playoff with the Mets.  I guess it's worth tracking, although I don't know if I can get my hopes up again, or garner up the strength to watch.

Week 4 Top 25

Rank, Record (Last Week)

1) Alabama 4-0 (4)
2) Utah 4-0 (3)
3) Vanderbilt 4-0 (5)
4) South Florida 4-0 (8)
5) East Carolina 3-1 (1)
6) Georgia 4-0 (12)
7) Missouri 4-0 (6)
8) TCU 4-0 (19)
9) Ball St. 4-0 (22)
10) Wake Forest 3-0 (NR)
11) BYU 4-0 (14)
12) Penn St. 4-0 (15)
13) Uconn 4-0 (21)
14) Northwestern 4-0 (17)
15) LSU 3-0 (NR)
16) Wisconsin 3-0 (2)
17) Tulsa 3-0 (23)
18) UNLV 3-1 (24)
19) Texas Tech 4-0 (13)
20) Florida 3-0 (NR)
21) Texas 3-0 (NR)
22) Boise St. 3-0 (NR)
23) USC 2-0 (10)
24) Auburn 3-1 (7)
25) Oklahoma 3-0 (11)

Dropped Out: Oregon (9), Oklahoma St. (16), Kentucky (18), Nebraska (20), Iowa (25)

Retraction, Apology and Rant

First off, let me apologize to Al Harris for accusing him of not taking care of himself, when it sounds like he has a ruptured spleen and may be out for the year. I take it back.

Second, I would like to tell John Madden, Al Michaels and Andrea Kramer to get their shit together. I based my rant on them stating that Harris was cramped up. At no time did they mention and "blood in urine" or "internal bleeding" or anything serious sounding. If they had, I would not have jumped to such conclusions. Andrea Kramer is useless.

I'm Giddy

Besides the impending Oktoberfest (Did I mention Oktoberfest is this weekend?), I had one more thing that is keeping me from working very hard today: Fantasy Football.  There were two developments in the last two days that I found to be hilarious and that I thought needed to be shared with the world (or the two people besides me that read this).

 

1) Twinkies didn't start Ronnie Brown yesterday and he ran for 4 TD's and threw for another.  I enjoyed this because besides my brother, Twinkies has the worst luck of anyone.  There was no reason at all that he should have started Brown, but I enjoy the misery of others when a guy scores like 50 points on the bench (see Kevin Curtis and Schmock last year).  Enjoy the two TDs he'll get the rest of the year.

 

2) Twinkies cut Derek Anderson, who was one of his three keepers.  Leaving him with only Larry Fitzgerald (he traded me MoJo Drew already).  Larry, I would be careful, you are an ankle sprain or dropped pass away from being on the streets.  I find this enjoyable because we are only two years removed from the Shaun Alexander incident, which nearly gave my brother a mental breakdown, even though in retrospect, cutting him wasn't a terrible decision (even though he could've traded him).  But the aftermath was awesome.

Oktoberfest Countdown

99 hours, 52 minutes, 34 seconds (approximately) till first drink.

Al Harris is Thirsty

Let me first start off by saying that Al Harris is not the only reason we lost the game last night.  In fact, he probably is a very small part.  But let me just say that an NFL player leaving a game in the first quarter with "cramping" is totally fucking unacceptable on a number of levels.  First of all, NFL players are world class athletes.  Second, they have been running around with helmets and pads on for probably about 20 years, so I would assume they would be used to the extra sweat that is produced.  Third, since they've been playing football for 20 years, they often play in extreme heat, so it would stand to reason that they had become dehydrated once or twice in the past, and should know how to take care of the fucking body that they rely on to make them millions of dollars.  Fourth,  Al Harris lives in (any may be from originally) Florida, and played college in Texas, both of which are much, much warmer than Wisconsin in September.  Fifth, it was fucking like 60 degrees last night, and was almost chilly.  So how the FUCK do you get so dehydrated, in the FIRST QUARTER, that you need multiple IV's and miss the game.  This same act got Deshawn Wynn cut last year.  So that pissed me off.

 

Clearly, some issues need to be cleared up for this team to be good.  The offensive line looked TERRIBLE.   Not much run blocking to speak of, and A-Rodg had about one second to throw before he was running for his life.  God help me if He who shall not be named has a big game tonight, because I'm sure the dipshits will come out of the woodwork to blame A-Rodg, even though 290 yds, 0 INT and one rushing TD isn't too bad.  I'm sure he held it too long a few times, but he had no time at all.

 

The running defense looked middle-school-ish as well.  Barber/Jones looked unstoppable.  The pass rush wasn't too bad, and the pass defense itself was pretty good except when Travon Williams neglected to try to do anything other than run along side that random asshole one that TD catch.  He had good position, was running stride for stride, looked at the ball....and did nothing as the receiver caught it and scored.  I would have to think if Al wasn't so thirsty he would have held or tackled him before that.

 

I think the Cowgirls are a little better than the Packers, but not as much as it seemed last night.  We've got some things to work on.  At least I destroyed Dan in fantasy football to go 3-0.

Productive Training Session

So I accidentally got drunk last night. My neighbor owns a karaoke company and has these "gigs" that he keeps asking me to go to. Finally, I said whatever and we went. I wasn't at all expecting fun, or interest really, as karaoke usually sucks gigantic balls. I planned to have like 2 beers and drive home. I ended up having about 10 pints plus 5 shots and got totally fucked up. It was actually a really, really good time. There were a large number of people there that actually sang really well. My neighbor only allows good songs to be played, so he won't let some asshole sing Patsy Cline or anything. This was an important night, to allow me to reach my goal of not dying in La Crosse next weekend.

That'll Be All, Thanks for Coming

11 to fucking 2? SEVEN HR's? Way to step up Soup. Its a good thing we didn't give you a fat contract for your ability to "pitch in September and October". Fucking pieces of shit. Mathematically, I think they need to go 8-0 to get into the playoffs. Oh, and if you're curious. I'm not watching again until I am drunk at Oktoberfest and I don't understand what I'm doing....And that game will be meaningless.....Like it was last year.

And no, I would never have this reaction with the Packers. I would watch them if they had lost 50 in a row.

Weekend Preview

The highlight of this weekend is indisputably Packers v. Cowgirls.  Why would this game not be hyped at least as much if not more, than that piece of shit USC-Ohio St. game of last weekend?  I'm quite certain it will be much closer.  The only thing this game will be missing is the USC Song Girls.  They actually fucking named that game last weekend, "The Collision in the Coliseum".  I feel like I should name the Packer/Cowgirl game too.  I'm thinking either "Tilt in Titletown", "Lambasting at Lambeau", "Bash by the Bay" or "Whitewash in Wisco".  All of which are stupid.  And I don't really think the game will be a blowout.  I have no designs at all of trying to go to the game, not that I don't want to, but the fact that I will be spending approximately $1.4 million dollars at Oktoberfest next weekend, means it is probably not in the budget.  Especially considering what those tickets are probably going for.  I think both teams will move the ball well, but in the end, I think T.O. is going to be too much for Al Harris (see: Plexiglass in NFC Championship).  Cowboys 31, Packers 28.

 

U.W. has off.  I imagine they will be preparing to please me next Saturday against Michigan and riding tandem on mopeds while drunk.

 

I don't even want to talk about the Brewers.

 

I (2-0) am going turn the tables of police brutality against perennial doormat Officer Dan (1-1).  According to official OJSFA records (they exist!), Dan has the worst record amongst the owners who have been around for the whole 3 years.  I'm a little concerned however, that I haven't made a trade with Twinkie this week.

Ouch.

As Snoop Dogg once said, "If it ain't one thing its a mothafuckin' otha, word to your daddy and your granny and your mutha."

I mean seriously. I nearly ended my life about 5:15 this afternoon, as I sat at my desk and watched as the Brewers turned a fantastic win, into a gut-wrenching, ass-raping, quite possibly season-ending loss. It was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in about 10 minutes as their four fucking run lead, with 2 outs and nobody on, evaporated. I seriously have no clue who is going to pitch tomorrow now. McClung who was supposed to, pitched 2 innings today. I'm guessing Parra. They fucking left the bases loaded 3 times again. Braun can't hit his way out of a paper bag. FUCK!

Worthless, Uninformed and Biased Picks Week 3

Last week: 5-9-1

Season: 14-16-1

 

Atl (-5) over KC

Buf (-9.5) over Buf

Chi (-3) over TB

Car (+3.5) over Min

NE (-12.5) over Mia

Cin (+13.5) over NYG

Ten (-5) over Hou

Ari (+3) over Was

SF (-4) over Det

Stl (+9.5) over Sea

Den (-5.5) over NO

Phi (-3) over Pit

Ind (-5.5) over Jax

Bal (-2) over Cle

Dal (-3) over GB

NYJ (+9) over SD

Start of a New Era, End of Another?

Seems to me like all of the bullshit posturing by the Queens the whole offseason about how they couldn't possibly be interested in tampering with he who shall not be named, might have been....well, bullshit posturing.  So the "Super Bowl Contenders" and "prohibitive favorites in the NFC North" and "0-2" Minnesota Vikings are benching their "all-world" QB for journeyman Gus Ferotte (who, incidentally, I was lobbying for the Pack to sign this summer).  You have to ask yourself, How fucking stupid do the pundits feel now, that even Brad Childress (who by all accounts is a moron) doesn't have confidence enough in his QB to start in week 3.  How do these pundits feel when they all piled on the Viqueen bandwagon for no apparent reason in August, and anointed the Viqueens as a Super Bowl contender even though their offense consists of A-Peter left, A-Peter middle, and A-Peter right (or at least it should, but Childress is, again, a moron and keeps trying to pass).  They have no QB and no WR, and in case you missed Monday nights game, is not a recipe for success in today's NFL.  I am a bit torn, because Ferotte probably gives them a better chance to win, and I don't like that one bit.

 

I haven't seen an official report on Sheet's injury, but "right arm tightness" isn't good when you are a right handed pitcher.  The Crew has been tempting fate all year with him not getting injured significantly, so it sucks that it might happen now, when he is most needed.  FINALLY, we get our bats in gear to an extend, and FINALLY we win, but at what cost?  We can beat Cincy and Pittsburgh with me pitching, but is winning the playoffs even a possibility without him?  At his best he's unhittable, at worst he is Jeff Suppan.  Can CC pitch every game?  I would settle for getting in and getting swept quite frankly.  Maybe I'm just overreacting and he'll be fine.  But there is only 2 starts left, so missing even one is huge.  I still don't feel like we can possibly win enough games to get us in, but I guess I can hope.

Confirmation that my observations are not obscure

Here is an excerpt from my running game blog from the Week 1 Monday night game.

"Somehow Barnett doesn't get called for a horse collar on Peterson after the catch, wow that was lucky. 1:08 left."

And now here is an excerpt from a JSOnline article.

"Linebacker Nick Barnett actually paid the NFL to play in Week 1.

He was docked a full paycheck for violating the NFL's personal conduct policy, and then found out last week he was fined $7,500 on top of that for an illegal horse-collar tackle. The money came out of this week's check."

I knew he fucked up! I'm just glad the refs didn't care.

Plusses and Minuses

PLUS: To fantasy football for making Monday night's game that much more enjoyable.  Especially because of the comeback I mounted on the backs of Romo and Barber.

 

MINUS: The Brewers lost again, are now second in the wild card.  One of my bosses said Ryan Braun "Looks like a little kid out there right now."  I just think the Cubs are better.

 

PLUS: I have to give credit to Sveum for shaking some things up.   I can't really complain about any of it.  I hope Weeks/Hall to the bench is permanent.

 

MINUS: I fucking hate Cubs fans.

 

PLUS: And this might be the biggest one in recent days.  UW-Michigan is scheduled for 2:30 on September 27th.  For those that don't know, that Saturday is Oktoberfest in La Crosse, WI.  Watching the Badgers on Oktoberfest Saturday at Brother's is always a highlight.  I believe that 2:30 is the perfect kickoff time because it allows for everyone to properly ramp themselves up into drunkenness, and to shake off whatever illness may exist from the night before.  11 a.m. puts too much pressure on you to get over everything and get drunk quickly.  Historically, at 11 a.m. kickoffs, I am blacked out by 12:30 because I end up doing something stupid like doing a fishbowl in order to get super drunk, super fast.  2:30 allows one to ingest about 16 screwdrivers before the game, along with about 4 or 5 Jaggerbombs.

Evil Empire

Wyoming takes on BYU this week or as I like to call it, the evil empire behind the Zion curtain. I cannot explain my hatred for BYU here in writing, but let's just say it is on the same level as Wisconsin vs. Minnesota or about 85,000 notches above UW Lacrosee vs. UW River-Falls. In fact, the Wisco-MN is a good comparison because Minnesota has sucked for so long that it kind of has diminished the rivarly, kind of like Wyoming. None the less, WYO travels to the valley of the shadow of death on Saturday (pictured above). It makes you wonder if they purposely located everything behind a big mountain, simply so they could make it harder to leave, so as to convert you to their school. I have never been to a BYU game in Provo, only because I fear to see the type of things they likely do to women and children there (and because WYO has sucked too bad for me to justify forking out the money). The line is BYU by 29.5. So, if you are interested in doubling your investment, take BYU to cover, as our offensive is two grades below shitty and they are really fucking good with all their 29 year olds and shit from Polynesia and Samoa. By the way, the picture with the BYU kid looks like our law school class, except we had about 20 more smelly BYU kids. So, in short, Fuck you BYU.

Top 25 Week 3

Rank, Team, Record (Last Week)

1) East Carolina 3-0 (1)
2) Wisconsin 3-0 (16)
3) Utah 3-0 (7)
4) Alabama 3-0 (2)
5) Vanderbilt 3-0 (3)
6) Missouri 3-0 (5)
7) Auburn 3-0 (15)
8) South Florida 3-0 (22)
9) Oregon 3-0 (18)
10)USC 2-0 (25)
11)Oklahoma 3-0 (NR)
12)Georgia 3-0 (NR)
13)Texas Tech 3-0 (20)
14)BYU 3-0 (21)
15)Penn St. 3-0 (NR)
16)Oklahoma St. 3-0 (8)
17)Northwestern 3-0 (11)
18)Kentucky 3-0 (12)
19)TCU 3-0 (13)
20)Nebraska 3-0 (19)
21)Uconn 3-0 (24)
22)Ball St. 3-0 (NR)
23)Tulsa 2-0 (4)
24)UNLV 2-1 (NR)
25) Iowa 3-0 (NR)

Dropped Out: Wake Forest (6), Texas (9), Cal (10), Florida (14), Kansas (17), Georgia Tech (23)

...Like a Candle in the Windmill

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I don't think I've been (or for that matter the entire sane part of Wisconsin, which isn't really that many, but still) so happy over someone losing thier jobs in my entire life. This shit spread like wildfire in the matter of minutes. My brother gets a call from some dude that heard it on the radio, he calls me, it had been posted as a small item on brewers.com like 3 minutes earlier, I get a text from Bear, I text others. About two minutes later, I went to JSOnline.com, which got fucking crushed by the amount of traffic and the Brewer Blog was shut the fuck down.

10 Quick Q's and Answers on the managerial change:

Is Svuem any better? I doubt it.

Is he any worse? Quite possibly, but the IQ of your average baseball player isn't that high (i.e. lighting shoestrings on fire, shaving cream pies, and "the cold shoulder") so they might not even realize they have a new manager.

How will this affect the team? I certainly hope they realize that they are fucking next if they don't make the playoffs, so it will either light a fire and catapult them into the playoffs, or they will play scared and finish 0-12.

Who made this decision? I have to think Attanasio did. He knows he is going to be wasting money for the next few years as we go into "mini-rebuilding". I can only assume the listless play of the last few days FINALLY sealed it.

Who's next? Melvin is on a short list if his players don't get in. This was clearly a message that big Mark is done taking shit.

Can Svuem teach 95% of a major league roster how to hit anything but a fastball? Next question.

Can Svuem teach 95% of a major league roster how to bunt a runner over? Not in 13 days.

Does Svuem have any secret love affairs with players ala Yost-"Bushie"-"Cappy"-"Shousie"-"Rickie"-"queer Canadian dude" that we should know about? Svuem does not approve of that type of lifestyle.

Why Svuem? Is he even qualified? Ummm.....Are you fucking serious? I am more qualified.

Who would have been a better candidate? If you are asking who would turn the team around in two fucking weeks, I'm thinking potentially Buddha or Jesus Christ, but Christ can't hit a slider either. Otherwise, its probably too late.

Will the Brewers make the playoffs? Boy, I just don't see how. I don't think firing the manager at this point is going to make them forget how shitty they have been for two weeks. Unless Svuem is a helluva motivational speaker, or he has one of those cardboard cutouts of Mark Attanasio like on "Major League", except that you put pieces of clothing back on. Then maybe. The move is better than nothing. I certainly approve. But it is sort of like drinking a case of beer, and deciding to drive 10 miles home, only to roll your car over the top of a pedestrian with two blocks left....and THEN calling a cab.

Ned Yost Fired

This just in, Ned Yost was given the axe by the Brewers today, Dale Sveum has been promoted to interim manager for the last 12 games, this season is officially fucked and over...

Not that I really like Yost, but I don't think this team can ignore the ramifications of losing their manager in the middle of a meltdown like this, I'll have more later on tonight as I'm currently in the middle of an OMG, the website you made is fucking broken and we have no clue why crisis.

On a side note, Sveum the Human Windmill will no longer be sitting at 3rd, that alone should increase our run production by 1 a game.

The F*&^ Plane Has Crashed Into the F#*(@&)$ Mountain

The Brewers have single handedly ruined what was turning out to be a great weekend to be a sports fan in Wisconsin.  Nice game from the Packers, big win from the Badgers.  Optimism all around.  That was until I thought about the Brewers.  They went to Philly and not only shit the bed, but rolled around in it, and then the Phillies made them eat it, shit it out again and eat it again along with a bunch of Philly shit.  There really aren't words to describe what happened.  The Brewers were the best team in baseball from the All-Star Break until September 1st.  And then they went 3-11.  They really don't even seem like they care.  Neddy's solution is just to play through it.  But really, there are no good answers.  Everyone hit a slump at the same time.  The only saving grace is that CC and Sheets are pitching 6 out of the last 12.  We pretty much need both of them to bring their A games and get all 6 of those.  Then, hope we can score more than 2 runs in a game, and bat better than .007 with RISP for at least a few of the other games and scrape together a few wins.  Realistically, we need either another Mets collapse, or we need to finish win about 9 out of our last 12 and somehow hope the Phillies win less to get in.  The division is gone.  According to www.coolstandings.com, about a month ago, the Crew had about a 95% chance of getting into the playoffs.  That number is now around 46%.  The last month of the regular season in baseball is the easiest to ignore because of all the football/new TV shows on.  But goddamn it is this frustrating.  It also made me ill to see the Cubs dancing around on the field at Miller Park after Zambrano's no-no. 

Incoherent thoughts

Well, two weeks into the NFL season and I am nearly out of the fantasy football race and am second to last in my NFL pick'em pool (straight up with no spread). To make a long story short, I am getting really nervous about both of my legs getting broken by the end of the winter. As far as fantasy goes, I am going to have to be the big man and squarely place all the blame on everybody else in the league, seeings as we cannot seem to schedule a draft within 1,000 miles of my house, and which in turn means I cannot come, which means I have to rely on a drunk consensus of everybody to make shitty picks for me, because I am too stupid to turn in a list ahead of time. Thanks alot assholes. On a related note, I am having an exclusive "every running back must go" fire sale, offering the exclusive 2 for 1 combo of DeAngelo "I split time with Jon Stewart" Williams and Ronnie Brown's corpse. What do I expect to get from them? I was hoping of an offer consisting of Marc Bulger and Tatum Bell, but that may be a stretch.

If McNabb and DeSean Jackson combine to score approximately 37 points tonight, without Greg Lewis scoring any points, then I have a chance to come from behind, just like I did with Dan's mom last night.

And, just to keep you all updated, my high school team lost 34-0 on Friday, which gives them approximately 0 points on the season and an perfect 0-2 record.

Vikings and Dolphins suck. WYoming barely survived to beat FCS powerhouse North Dakota State, and Riverton High is horrid. I continue to live in a football hell. My only shimmering light this fall is the Twin's playoff chances, which currently however somewhere between "not likely" and "life support"

On a final note, WYO travels to the evil Zion land of Provo, UT this week, which is sure to result in an ass kicking by the mormons, 3 horny BYU co-eds getting knocked up, and over 500 unauthorized alcoholic and caffeine drinks being consumed.

Some thoughts from this Sunday

Alright, these are just thoughts rolling around in the ole melon. First of all, I have to completely agree with Juice about those stupid tuscani pasta commercials by Pizza Hut. I had seen them before but I hadn't seen the new ones with the mac n cheese and bacon. First of all, what does this restaurant have for a menu? Ok here's our pasta section, you can only choose 4 very specific variations and then one of them is macaroni, cheese and bacon? Sounds like something a college student eats on a Tuesday night. Now replace that bacon with some hot dogs and you got yourself a meal.

So the Chargers - Broncos game was pretty good. The referee with the biggest biceps in the history of the NFL made probably one of the biggest mistakes that directly affected the outcome of a game. Once again inadvertent whistles screw up what was a very obvious and easy call to make. The fun stuff started at the end with one of the announcers just sounding like an idiot. First of all after the Broncos went for two, he started screaming like a little girl saying the Broncos won, I looked over at TJ and said, isn't there 24 seconds left in this game? Then after a few seconds of silence the announcer said, ah there is 24 seconds left in the game and we don't have a game clock up here in the booth. Yea well, you've been following the game for the last 59 and a half minutes, maybe you should be paying attention to shit like that? And then a few plays later, Chambers almost makes a great catch falling out of bounds, but he was ruled out, that same announcer then makes the following comment, "And he wasn't even touched as he was coming down", as if to imply that there was still a force out rule. Wasn't that kind of a big deal during the off season? That they got rid of that rule? Maybe instead of taking the spring and summer off, you should do some fucking homework and research about the sport that is writing your paychecks for you.

Rodgers seemed solid today, I wouldn't know he looked however because I live in a terrible part of the state and was unable to watch the game on TV, so I was forced to listen to the radio, got a little freaked out after the second Calvin Johnson TD, but luckily the lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins, Jon Kitna, sucks.

Also, one last note on the Broncos - Chargers game, do anyone else feel like Shanahan went for 2 because he felt bad for that fucked up call? I know it seems like a stupid thing to even consider, but I feel like that's what happened there.

Longest Post EVER!

Well here we go, buckle up buttercup!. I am fresh off a Loaded Steakhouse Burger Combo from Burger King. I ate about 3/4 of it and now I want to vomit. This tends to happen whenever I eat burger-based fast food. I fucking knew I should have went with Taco Bell or some such thing. Now that I didn't eat it all, I will be hungry in an hour and I don't have anything to eat at the crib. ANYWAYS, it is about 8 p.m. CST and I am starting this shit. It will go anywhere between an hour and a half, to five-ish hours depending on when I have to hop in the car and drive for an hour and a half round trip to pick up the (drunk) wife.

8:08-Haven't seen any of the USC/Ohio St. game yet, but it appears that this McKnight character for USC is fast. 7-3 USC right now. I am going to assume it was a 109 yard missed field goal return for a TD.

8:09-Does anyone else think there was far too much hype for a college football game? It is a greatly inferior product to the NFL in all respects. Speaking on inferior, I lost interest in the Brewer game after about 10 minutes. It took a fucking hurricane to stop the 'stros from gaining on the Brewers.

8:11-Play-action pass, the camera man lost track of the ball and passed out. Animal's kid shit his pants, and the TE was wide open, 14-3 Trojan-enz. This could be a long night.

8:12- Dr. J just hit a 12 foot jumper with an ice cube into a glass.

8:14- Easiest Aflac trivia question of all-time. Who did Matt Cassel sit behind? It was obviously O.J. Simpson and Keyshawn Johnson.

8:15- It strikes me as odd how good Brent Musberger still is, considering how old he is. I'm not that old, but my first sports memories were him calling NFL and NBA games for CBS. What is his co-ed scoreboard? How many sideline reporters has he been with? Did he, Herbie, Chris Fowler, Lee Corso and Desmond Howard ever run a train on Erin Andrews?

8:18- BIG hit on a pass over the middle.

8:19-Seems to me that Terrell Pryor is going to be haunting the Badgers later this season. Fucking Brett Basanez used to own Bucky.

8:21-OSU just had a 15 yd pass and run to the 3 called back on a hold, followed by a 21 yd TD pass called back on a hold. If I was Jim Tressel, I would tell them to stop holding.

8:23- Oklahoma leads AT Washington 34-0 at halftime. I wonder if Ty Willingham will be fired for being black again.

8:24- Missed FG for OSU. Still 14-3

8:25- "Body of Lies" looks kind of cool. Speaking of kind of cool, I just started watching "The Sopranos" last night. First episode I've ever seen.

8:26- "Opportunity Knocks" does not look kind of cool.

8:27- How does UCLA lose 59-0 to a bunch of Mormons (BYU)? Maybe BYU played University of Church Lard Asses and not California-Los Angeles.

8:30- OSU punt returner fails to call a fair catch and gets destroyed.

8:31- What exactly is "Chic-Fil-A" Sauce? I bet it is made of the same stuff as Gyro sauce.

8:35- I just left to piss and it turns out Rey Muleuga picked off OSU and ran it back for a TD. 21-3 USC. I could swear I saw that Muleuga has his hair styled into devil horns on his picture.

8:38- I just saw on the bottom line that one of my alma-maters UW-La Crosse got destroyed 45-7 by North Dakota. Pretty sure UND is D-II or I-AA. UW-L is D-III.

8:42- Musberger just mentioned that a commuter train smashed into a freight train in LA the other day, and he's "sure that some of the people affected are watching" and gives his condolences. I bet if they were affected that much, they wouldn't have dropped everything to watch a fucking football game. I mean, this isn't Alabama. And its not like the Packers are playing. By the way, if a hurricane hit Green Bay on a Sunday, and for some reason the Packers chose to play in it, Lambeau would be full, and 40 years later, 500,000 people would claim they were there.

8:44- Ohio St. just turned it over again. I'm glad something else will be on in about 45 minutes.

8:46- Charlie Weis got "McGahee'd" today.

8:49- You know what would be really good right now? A chocolate shake. (I may be over my burger with mashed potatoes on top of it induced stomach ache.)

8:51- USC QB just threw a pass that landed 25 yards out of the back of the end zone.

8:51- Interception Ohio St. Looked out of bounds to me live. Never mind, I'm a moron. Half time.

8:53- Wow. Not only is Erin Andrews hot, but she is fast too. Tressel tried to run from her, and she sprinted his ass down in high heels to ask him some bullshit question about why they suck so bad. I would HATE sideline reporters if I was a coach, except it would be awfully hard to be a dick to Erin Andrews.

8:57- There is NO FUCKING WAY that you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a fancy Italian restaurant's pasta and fucking Pizza Hut's. Dumbest. Commercial. Ever.

8:58- FUCK! I turn to the Big Ten Network because I see that Minnesota at Wisconsin basketball from January 22, 1990 is on, but they have some bullshit halftime show for the shitty game I'm watching. SPOILER ALERT: Minnesota at Wisconsin - 1/22/1990In an epic installment to this storied rivalry, Wisconsin took control of the game early and led 57- 36 lead with just 12 minutes left to play. The Gophers slowly chipped away, outscoring the Badgers 30 - 9 over the next seven minutes, tying the game at 66. However, with less than one second left, Wisconsin's Kurt Portmann found Patrick Tompkins under the basket for a layup, giving the Badgers a 77-75 win. Sounds alot better than USC/Ohio St. Who the fuck are Kurt Portmann and Patrick Tompkins???

9:08- While flipping around I find a "Saturday Night Live" rerun with Christina Aguilera as host. I bring this up because the keeps brushing under her nose with her finger....like she is obviously high on cocaine.

9:10- Actual description of a movie on Sci-Fi: "An archaeologist unleashes a violent storm after he releases an ancient god from captivity." Alright, I guess.

9:12- Holy shit. Auburn 3, Miss St. 2, 2:28 remaining in the game.

9:16- Dude from Auburn just had a blind, one-handed interception, and managed to tip toe in-bounds while falling backwards. This game is ALOT more entertaining than that other piece of shit.

9:23- The "Collision in the Coliseum" sucks. Whoever paid $5,000 for a ticket should be shot.

9:24- I think my favorite part of college football is the obscene numbers that players often put up. For instance, Oklahoma QB Sam Bradford has 304 yds, 5TD, 1 rushing TD....at the end of the third quarter.

9:30- Video of a bunch of drunk Badger fans in Fresno. Love it. I guarantee there will be 10,000 Badger fans there, but you won't be able to see them because everyone is wearing red.

9:33- The blow-up "doghouse" that Fresno was supposed to come out of deflated with a bunch of players in it. Hopefully that is a sign of things to come. Please explain why the first guy out had a sledgehammer?

9:36- USC 28, OSU 3

9:37- P.J. Hill is still slow. 6 yard gain of first carry.

9:38- Sounds pretty loud there. What does the "V" on the field/helmet's mean? Victory? Valley? Vagina? Beckum just dropped a catchable ball on his first look of the year. 3 and out for Bucky.

9:40- What legitimate D-I team has a football field with yellow soccer lines on it? Answer me that.

9:41- I just found out Fresno has a TE named Bear Pasco. No word on whether he and the wanna-be blogger are the same person. That would be strange. 3 and out for Fresno.

9:43- Cubs v. Astros for two in Milwaukee. Awkward. The Astros would sweep them on the bottom of the ocean right now.

9:45- Another gain of an inch for Hill. I hate him. If there isn't a 50 foot hole (which often there is), he just runs into the back of the O-line and falls down.

9:46- Rod's Research says the key for the Badgers defense is to "trap the Bear". Absolutely. That would be so much more funny if I was drunk.

9:47- 35-3 USC. But seriously, we should talk about this game an hour a day for two weeks on ESPN.

9:48- Hill is running roughshod. 3 straight 10+ yard carries.

9:49- Rod Gilmore's partner: "They grow 'em big in Wisconsin." Me: "That's what she said."

9:51- Zach Brown gets stuffed on 3rd and goal from the 2. Badgers are going for it on 4th. Fucking Hill loses a yard. Goddammit.

9:53- He who shall not be named is comfortable in Wranglers. Oh shit, I almost forgot about this. I heard a fucking ad for it on the radio tonight! This guy is going to make a million dollars, and I hate him for it.

10:00- Interception! Wisconsin! Ball batted about 40 feet in the air, and it is picked by the linebacker. 0-0 with 2:04 left in 1st

10:02- Debbie Meyers loses hundreds of dollars in rotten produce a year? Perhaps you should cut back on the celery sticks bitch.

10:03- Nice. Evridge backs up to throw, four guys come nearly unblocked, he spins around, runs forward, throws a bullet with his feet right on the line of scrimmage! First and goal at the 3.

10:04- Fake up the middle, bootleg, and Evridge has to pick between the three wide open recievers. 7-0 Bucky.

10:07- Oh shit. Middle Tennesee St. completed a hail mary with no time left against Kentucky...and got tackled at the one. That sucks.

10:08- 7-0 at the end of the first.

10:09- I think Bucky Badger could take the live bulldog mascot of Fresno. Even if that little fucker was vicious, the Bucky costume is probably pretty thick. If he became attached with his bit I would just swing him up against the stadium railing or something. I think a real badger would take either the bulldog, or the human bulldog mascot. A fucking badger would stab right through that costume with his claws.

10:11- Ten year old girls should not whore out their dad using Just for Men.

10:12- They just showed a Fresno fan who had his face painted like The Joker. I didn't want to sleep tonight anyway.

10:14- The Badgers are heeding the "keep your head up" rule of playing football. All four d-lineman just ran past a fumbled snap, and the QB recovered. Fresno is methodically driving right now.

10:15- I've never heard the term "playing in a phone booth" used when referring to conservative playcalling before. I've heard it 5 times tonight referring to Fresno. For some reason, because Fresno is in California, it is assumed they are a shitload faster than national power Wisconsin.

10:17- I guess Fresno's QB must be 5' 8". Another batted down pass on 3rd down. Fresno missed a FG wide left by about 15 yards. Still 7-0 Bucky.

10:19- I highly doubt LDT eats fucking Chunky soup. Unless that is what he eats off his whores. But definitely not for dinner.

10:22- TE Garrett Graham just bobbled a catch with a dude draped on him, catches it, then drags him for 5 more yards.

10:26- How do you lose a yard when you get flagged for holding? I've never understood that.

10:28- I know, let's run off-tackle on 3rd and 7! 38 yd FG for Bucky. 10-0.

10:29- I'm sick of this Brooke Shields Volkswagen commercial. It was pretty funny the first time though.

10:32- Pat Hill has impressive facial hair.

10:33- USC just held on to beat Ohio St. 35-3.

10:34- How does a home win over Wisco make Fresno more of a "BCS Buster" than (my current No. 1) East Carolina, who won at ranked Virginia Tech and at home against a higher ranked team than Wisco in West Virginia? Rod Gilmore claims it is because Boise St. beat Oklahoma a few years ago and they are in the same conference, which is about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Of course, none of this would be an issue if we had a fucking 32 team playoff.

10:38- Fresno is facing a 3rd and 24. I say they should run off-tackle. Let's see what they do....attempted screen pass that didn't work at all. At least the Badgers got 2 yards off-tackle.

10:40- Useless stat graphic: Bielema is 18-0 when leading at half time. Speaking of which, I just typed "Brett Bielema" into Google to check the spelling, and the new auto-complete thing showed "Brett Bielema Erin Andrews" which had about 800 pages of rumours that they bone. Enjoy.

10:43- Ahhhh. Thank you Rod Gilmour's anonymous partner (turns out his name is Joe Tessitore, which I think is Polish). The "V" stands for "Valley" as in the San Joaquin Valley where I guess Fresno is.

10:45- Call a timeout you dirty fucks! :35 left and they complete a pass, and then fuck around until :28 left. We won't need those seven seconds, mark my words.

10:47- Garrett Graham is WAAAAY better than Owen Daniels ever was, and that fucker starts in the NFL.

10:49- Fucking terrible. Is Joe Gibbs the Badgers coach? They run up to spike it with :06 left. Then burn the play clock and get a delay of game to set up a 50 yard FG for a frosh kicker. Pat Hill's mustache tingles and he calls a TO. And the kick gets blocked. Fuck me. Leverage anyone? 10-0 at halftime.

10:53- Wendi Nix has nothing to be ashamed of.

10:57- HAH! There is some old fucker selling something calling "Teeter Hang Ups" which appears to be a board where old people hang upside down to "help their back pain". I have no doubt this is the miracle back pain cure we've all been looking for.

11:10- Oh Fuck. Hail Mary win for Buffalo over Temple 30-28.

11:11- I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. No seriously, I just had a few handfuls and they were delicious.

11:13- Bucky is playing pretty well considering the score. Usually I am pulling out my hair in a game like this, but they seem in control.

11:16- This just in: Ed Cunningham is a "field level analyst". Why? Because he has a dick he isn't a "sideline reporter"? There should be an investigation. Fresno opens the half with a 3 and out.

11:19- How is this game a "trap game" for UW? Didn't they know Fresno was ranked and has been talking shit? Did they think Michigan was still Michigan and not the shadow of their former selves that got housed by Notre Dame today? Fucking retarded.

11:20- Badgers got their play picked ala Tecmo Bowl, and all 11 Fresno St. players tackled P.J. Hill in the backfield on 3rd and 2. Fresno muffed the punt (heh) but recovered.

11:25- Yikes. Crossing pattern, white dude flys by all of the Badger defenders 45 yards for a TD. 10-7 Bucky.

11:30- Jesus Christ. Last three Badger plays: overthrow by about 20 yards, dropped pass, false start.

11:32- The crowd is going ape shit.

11:33- And now a punt just got blocked. Fuck. Badgers are all of a sudden totally flustered. Fresno 1st and 10 on Badger 37.

11:36- Finally, something goes right. 51 yd FG, wide left.

11:37- It pisses me off that there isn't a Ruby Tuesday in GB. Not that I would go, but I hate it when they have commercials for a place that as far as I'm concerned is imaginary (Sonic, Chik-Fil-A, Popeye's)

11:40- The Badgers can't hear the snap count. False start, followed by a running play where only half the o-line left when the ball was snapped.

11:41- 3rd and 12 for Bucky. I say off-tackle. Nope, 9 yard pass. Same difference.

11:42- FUCKIN A! Punt goes off a Fresno blocker's back, Bucky recovers on the Fresno 23!

11:43- Tessitore keeps referring to RB John Clay as "Big John" Clay. Clay is a younger, healthier, faster version of P.J. Hill.

11:45- Holding call brings back an option keeper to the 4. Shit.

11:46- Fuck. Nearly picked at the goal line. 23 yd FG if Good! 13-7 Wisconsin.

11:49- FUMBLE! BADGER BALL! The white dude who burned us for a TD (who's name is Devon incidentally) just coughed it up on the Fresno 26. Oh, now Fresno is challenging. This might be the worst challenge ever. Childress-esque. He is grasping at straws now. This referee has taken like 12 minutes to look at this obvious call. WHAT!?!?!?!!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? They just reversed it! We are getting fucking homered. That was the worst thing I've ever seen! Holy shit! Even the Polish guy hates it and he has been openly rooting for Fresno. Pat Hill has the ref's family hostage. He is a creepy looking fucker.

11:55- UW just dropped an INT that it was a sure TD.

11:56- Fucking shit. 60 yard screen pass. 1st and goal on the 9.

11:58- BIG sack back at the 17 by a black dude named O'Brien.

11:59- 33 yd FG is good. 13-10. I'm still pissed.

12:02- End of 3rd. 13-10. Packers play in less than 12 hours and I still have an hour and a half of driving to do. I have a feeling my forearms are going to be sore tomorrow.

12:06- We need about an 11 minute TD drive right here.

12:07- Whoa. Near pick.

12:08- Punt coming up. This should be an adventure. Fair catch at the 17. 13:55 left.

12:11- I mean really, do you think they have "Macaroni and Cheese w/ Bacon" on the menu at a fancy Italian restaraunt? Idiots.

12:12- Fucking christ. 55 yd run on first play. Broke about 4 tackles.

12:14- 3rd and 9 at the 24. Draw play. Almost worked. Gain of 7. 35 yd FG is...WIDE RIGHT! That guy is going to get a broom stick shoved up his ass in the locker room. 11:16 left.

12:17- Here is what the Badgers should be doing on offense. Run until you get to short yardage, then play action pass. They are getting stuffed on short yardage, but having success otherwise.

12:19- Uh Oh. Evridge is hurt. Perhaps that is why he underthrew the last pass by 10 yards. They are speculating cramps. 8:34 left.

12:21- Ever see that disturbing commercial for the "Hoveround"? With the old people doing cheerios on thier wheel chairs? I just did.

12:23- Scherer comes in, Fresno brings the house, screen pass, about 2 feet short of a first down. Punting. Gay. 7:42 left, Fresno ball about thier own 20. I'm a little worried I'm going to get called to play drunk bus with about a minute left in a tie game. I'll have the radio, but its not the same. I'm debating whether to hit record on the 'ol DVR.

12:27- Fresno just flat out dropped a bomb. Oh wow.

12:29- Dammit. 10 yd gain on 3rd and 1. 6:38 and counting, around the 35 yd line.

12:32- 2nd and 5, DB gives reciever a 17 yd cushion. 1st down. 4:21 left, Fresno at the UW 47.

12:33- 3rd and 10. SACK! 4th and long at the Fresno 48! 2:20 left. Fresno punts. And the motherfucker stops dead on the 1-inch line. 1:55 left. Fresno with 2 TO's. UW with Dustin Scherer at QB. Everidge is pulling a Willis Reed right now, jogging out of the locker room after being carted off about 5 mintues ago. UW challanging whether the ball went over the goal line or not. Like there was any chance we would win that one.

12:37- QB sneak for 2. Evridge is still on the bench. TO Fresno with 1:51 left.

12:38- Fuck yeah. Bill Rentmeester, the near 3o0lb. fullback right up the middle for 7 and the first down! Last TO for Fresno, 1:44 left.

12:41- Wow. That was close. Bucky kneels it out. Huge, huge win. I'm out.

Coming Tonight

I plan to do a running bloggy kind of thing with USC-Ohio St/ UW-Fresno tonight (at least until I am too tired, or my wife needs to be picked up from her sister's bachelorette party). I am a fucking loser, and will be home alone so why the fuck not.

Weekend Preview

I'm actually fucking working for my paycheck today so I'll have to keep this relatively brief.  Nice sports weekend coming up. 

 

The Brewers have a very important series, however, their play reminds me of a crack baby fetus that was aborted from a 12 year old who was doing it with her brother.  Pretty much not all that appealing to me.  I'll watch, but I won't like it.  Yesterday, before I got sidetracked, I was going to write something up describing why I still felt the Brewers would make the playoffs despite how they are playing, and that all they probably had to do was go .500 in their last 16 to get in.  But, I just don't see it happening.  I don't see them flipping that switch even to win half of their fucking games.  To do it, they would need to for sure sweep Pittsburgh, and maybe Cincinnati too.  I'm not so sure Houston will ever lose again either, so even .500 might not do it.  I'm starting to feel creeping negativity.  Probably has to do with my lack of faith in about 98% of their roster to get a clutch hit (and that percentage has gone down with Gabe Kapler).

 

Big college football day Saturday, well night actually.  USC bending over Ohio St. (42-20), and UW taking on Fresno St.  I unfortunately don't see UW winning that game for some reason.  Maybe it is because it was my only loss on NCAA '09 that season.  I'm going to say 27-24 Fresno. (2-0 so far this season).

 

Sunday is the equivalent of everything that is right with the world: NFL and Fantasy Football.  The Pack takes on the Lionesses (whose play is eerily reminiscent of the Brewers) in Detroit.  A loss here seems pretty unlikely for the Packers, although division road games are never gimmes (Ex. 1 at Chicago last year).  The key is going to be the defenses ability to stop Megatron and Roy Williams.  I think they have moderate success there.  There is little reason to think the offense won't put up points.  I mean, the Lions gave up fucking 34 to the FALCONS last week.  If Grant plays, he runs for 175.  If not, I see Kregg Lumpkin (who?) getting 100 ala DeShawn Wynn.  Packers 31, Lions 13.  Also, I (1-0) am going to hose my brother (1-0), the loser of Tom Brady.  I will have a stable of Barber, Lynch and MoJo in the backfield that will be hard to stop.  He will have Ricky starting at QB.

Worthless, Uninformed and Biased Picks Week 2

Last Week: 9-7

Season: 9-7

 

GB (-3) at Det

KC (-3.5) v. Oak

NYG (-8.5) at StL

Ind (-2.5) at Min

Cin (-1) v. Ten

NO (Ev) at Was

Car (-3) v Chi

Jax (-5.5) v Buf

Sea (-7) v. SF

TB (-8) v Atl

NYJ (-1.5) v NE

Ari (-6.5) v Mia

Hou (-4.5) v Balt

SD (-1.5) at Den

Pit (-6) at Cle

Dal (-7) v Phi

 

I just realized I picked all favorites.  Good thing gambling is illegal.

Another reason why I love Jews and their security

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080910/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_israel_dancer_1

Make 'em dance to determine if they are really terrorists.

I like the sentence "one of the officers even went so far as to suggest he should change his last name." I bet Officer A. does that everytime he pulls over a Muslim in rural _____ County.

Tarvaieroueous Comes Through

I just want to start out by thanking Travaroueues Jackson for existing (don't ever change), and for Brad Childress for starting him at quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.  I knew in the end Trarvariuss would remember who he is when it counted most.   I would like to put up a gigantic middle finger to Jared Allen, Pat Williams, Darren Sharper, Ryan Longwell, Zigi Wulff and any other Viking related asshole that has been talking trash for the past six months about what they were going to do to the Packers in this game.

 

Now that I've done away with those pleasantries, let me give you a quick run down of how yesterday went for me.  About 1 p.m., I was sitting at my desk minding my own business (literally,  I think I was plotting some roster move in fantasy football) when my lovely wife calls and suggests we try to go to the game.  This was the first conversation we had about it, 5 hours before kickoff.  I spent about a half hour checking around, calling sketchos on "Craigslist" who had posted less than a half hour ago that they had tickets but had already sold them.  I finally found some reasonably priced tickets with a reputable broker and pulled the trigger.  Next, I had to figure out how I was going to get out of work early, seeing as I'm the lowest of low men on the totem pole, and I hadn't really done any actual work that day.  I pseudo snuck out the back door and squealed out of the parking lot to get home.

 

Once we both got home from work, I quickly threw on my green A.J. Hawk jersey and rolled out the door by about 3:30.  We are on our way to the game and the fucking ticket broker calls to tell us that they kinda, sorta sold our tickets that we bought, FOUR TIMES OVER.  After some finagling, and the wrath of my wife, they were able to get us tickets for $5 more, which is still bullshit, but we had tickets.

 

The atmosphere was pretty typical for a game, except it was kind of warm out which I'm not used to.  Couple of things I found interesting regarding the crowd itself: 1) It has been awhile since I've been to a Packer-Viking game, but there seemed to be a larger number of Viking fans than normal.  I think there were alot of market factors that went into play on that, however.  With the he who shall not be named situation, there were a flood of people unloading tickets in April and May for ridiculous amounts of money.  Also, ticket brokers ended up with a larger number than normal of them, and had to unload them on the cheap to recoup their funds.  So this led to more tickets being readily available on the secondary market.  There were alot of private people trying to get rid of them around town too, because it was a weird time (6:00 pm locally), there was a chance of rain, and people are fucking stupid.  So Viking fans were able to scoop up some extra ducats.  2) There were a shitload of he who shall not be named Jets jerseys at the game.  And actually there were far more than he who shall not be named Packer jerseys, which was surprising.  The wife and I had a conversation about it and came to a couple of important conclusions.  First, we realized that the he who shall not be named jersey was the number one seller because everyone in Green Bay apparently bought one, not New York.  Second, the dipshits that bought the jerseys to "send a message" to the Packer organization are dumb.  The Packers don't care if you show up naked as long as you a) spend between $60 and $500 on a game ticket, $50 on beer and $25 on food.  Plus its not as if these people just showed up and stayed silent.  They rooted for the Packers.  Just dumb.  3)  We had this moron behind us who was just angry at life and bitched and argued with everyone about everything.  He was even screaming at his elderly father to shut the fuck up, and called him stupid.  He made my brother and Bear seem like rays of sunshine by comparison.  I'm quite certain my brother would have gotten into a fistfight with the guy by the 13:00 mark of the 1st quarter. 4) There was a dude with a red mullet the row over.

 

As for the game itself, it was a really big win.  A Rodg played well, added the element of the run (which our last QB didn't have).  The penalties have to stop.  It was insane how much laundry was on the field.  Also, the Packers are lucky they didn't get fucked by the two extremely bad decisions McCarthy made: 1) whatever the fuck he was doing at the end of the 1st half when he didn't take a shot in the endzone with :25 left and 2) running up the middle on 3rd and 11 with their backup RB late in the 4th.  Otherwise, I can't complain much.  I don't think the Pack played great by any means, but well enough to beat an inferior and clearly overrated team with a shitty QB.  In the end Trevrarieaus was who we thought he was.

Running game blog!

So Jaws, Cornheiser and their crony start out immediately talking about how Favre won yesterday and threw two touchdowns so now there's so much more pressure on Rodgers than there was before yesterday. First of all, I highly doubt that he could get more pressure heaped on him, and second of all, how quickly did people forget that the Jets were 15 yards away from losing to the fucking 1-15 last year Dolphins? I wouldn't call that a great game from the Jets, they beat the Dolphins twice last year thusly I am deducing that so far Brett Favre has not been an improvement over Clemons and Pennington

Adrian Peterson scares the shit out of me tonight, I don't why but I feel like our run defense is going to be a lot more suspect this year than it was last year and it really wasn't that great last year

Of course the first commercial break after the game announcers give their pre-game spiel is a Brett Favre Wrangler commercial, I highly doubt that was a mere coincidence.

Jaws brilliantly predicts the first play from scrimmage is going to be a gimme pass for Rodgers.

Well, I don't feel like that series was Rodgers fault, but it definitely stalled, great punt by Frost, hopefully that works out for us.

Here comes the Vikes offense, I predict a LOT of ADP tonight after the media shit all over Childress last year for basically taking him out of the game last year.

Nice, we just got lucky with a holding call from Vikes that pretty much negated Peterson's run on first down.

Tavarious is by far the dumbest sounding of the four players that announced the starting lineup, and that group includes Jared Allen.

Perfectly executed inside stunt nets Kampman the first Packer sack of the year and kills the Queens drive.

Colledge has a false start, you can almost hear his waiver papers being processed from the Packers front office, I'm sure he'll last until his rookie contract is up though.

Perfect execution by Brandon Jackson, fumbling the ball forward to Greg Jennings so that he can pick it up for the first down, gutsy move to keep the drive alive.

After the 4th penalty in a row on the Packs O-line, the ref almost seemed reluctant to call the penalty, I think he seriously considered just waving it off, calling second down and moving on.

Another good sideline angled punt from Frost, he is shaping up to be our only highlight of the night, good hang, good coverage, immediately swallowed up the returner.

ADP delivers a crushing vengeance filled blow to Al Harris before stepping out of bounds, that just reeks of payback from last years hit that hurt Peterson for a few weeks. EDIT: I was correct in my assessment here.

After a frightening drive powered mostly behind Peterson, the Queens have to settle for a field goal, I'll definitely take it.

Ah, beautiful to see Mr. Longwell kicking it to the 15 yard line for a team other than the one I'm cheering for, he's such a liability as far as a kicker goes, Longwell's cap number for this year is 2 and a quarter million, Mason Crosby's is 400k.

Greg Jennings fantastic fucking play over the safety, makes a 60 yard catch down to the 5, and immediately the OMG that was a Brett Favre-esque play starts from Jaws and Cornhole.

Rodgers is looking like shit down here at the goal line and got bailed out twice by the Queens D. Make that three times. Wow, Childress needs to get his D to figure out how to draw a straight line.

Why in the fuck are we trying to run up the middle against the Williams brothers and EJ Henderson? And thank you we finally run off tackle and gain 5 yards, wow go figure...

Korey "I had no idea he could catch" Hall just made an amazing diving catch to bail Rodgers out big time, fantastic, I am pumped up now and immediately yelled at TJ about how that was such a great Favre-esque throw, my joking turned into hilarity when Cornhole immediately repeated what I just yelled out in jest.

I went and smoked a cig and came back to watch Crosby boot through a field goal, 10-3 Pack.

Somehow Al Harris, for once in his career, avoided a pretty blatant pass interference call. I think a team could make a gameplan out of just throwing deep on Harris and hoping for pass interference calls, they'd probably be fairly successful.

Two minute drill coming up for Rodgers, Queens blitz hard on third down, we picked it up and Rodgers hit Jennings open for a 15 yard gain, following that he just lasered a slant pattern pass in for another first down and we are inside the Queens 40.

Rodgers gets pressured and flies down the sideline for a 20 yard gain, we're inside the 15 with a couple timeouts and some time. For some god awful reason the Packers decide to settle for a field goal and have it blocked... And for some other terrible reason the Vikings tried to keep the ball alive by blindly lateraling the ball to each other inside their own 20 yard line.

The second half starts and Tavarious takes off for like a 20 yard scamper and gets tackled by Nick Collins, who takes him down like a parent putting their child to bed at night. Which leads to the conversation of should Jackson have slid there and Jaws immediately says, oh no absolutely not. I guarantee if Bigby had hit Jackson there Jaws woulda been singing a different song.

Somehow Al Harris makes a first down, possibly touchdown saving tackle on ADP. Field goal for Benedict Longwell(I'm glad he's gone so I shouldn't call him Benedict).

Tony Moll, ineligible man downfield negates a 70 yard touchdown by Donald Driver, WHAT THE FUCK MAN. Then we run a fucking draw, god damn this shit. This is gonna lose us this fucking game, mark it down right here, right now. FUCK.

Good penalty, we got the Queens pinned deep, hopefully we get the ball back. Shiancoe just caught the ball, hit the ground and lost the football and we recovered. It got ruled incomplete but now it's being challenged. I would venture to say that this was a catch and not a fumble and it will give the Vikes a big gain, but I'm going to smoke a cig so I'll have no idea.

Childress's willingness to abandon any gameplan involving Adrian Peterson has cost the Queens yet again, and WILL MY FOOT IS FINALLY NOT SHATTERED BLACKMON RETURNS THE KLUWE PUNT, 17-6 Pack. WHOOOO. That thing was a line drive and Blackmon had plenty of space to get out and run, what a pretty return.

KGB makes a sweet play look terrible by jumping offsides and keeping the drive alive for the Queens, now Jackson scrambles, Tramon Williams has 3 defenders behind him and decides to run away from Jackson and let him get the first down. Now Peterson gets another first down on a bitch ass draw play of which the Queens were conceding the field goal. Bullshit. Toughen up defense.

Sidney Rice, touchdown, wide open, 4th and 1, you could see it was a pass from a mile away, the Queens didn't have a power running package in, they were passing, huge breakdown in the secondary over the middle. Boooo, at least the conversion failed.

Update: Tom Brady is out for the year, that's old news but still fun.

Ryan Grant looked strong on a nice 4 yard run for first down, if we run up the middle anymore this game I'm going to shoot McCarthy in the face. Just as I say that we run a stretch play that got torn apart by Greenway. Two passes on second and third down that combined for a total of 4 yards in the air result in another 4th down. Don't you have to look past the first down line at least once on second and third down? Terrible play calling. At least our punt coverage has been good and the Queens start inside their own 20.

Peterson has a nice 7 yard run taken back by a holding penalty called on one of the 6 former Bears wide receivers currently on the Queens roster. Peterson gets 10 yards on a fucking 5 yard comeback route that there is no fucking way the 5 Packers sitting in the zone behind him didn't see, that's terrible, how can you not cover the running back in the flat playing a soft zone like that, you're pushing your secondary out prematurely to take away plays to the outside, you have to think they'll look back inside. Jesus.

Whew, we got lucky because Childress once again abandoned Adrian Peterson, sure we may have gotten away with a little interfernce, but the Queens are punting.

Fantastic break away run by Ryan Grant, he looked strong. Pack down to the 2, they better not run up the fucking middle. Jackson gets blown up because he's terrible, but the Queens had 12 men on the field so we get to try again at the 1. Horrible call with Rodgers trying to sneak it in from the 1, but I find myself saying do it again on second down. We do, touchdown, Lambeau leap for Rodgers and the Pack is up 24 - 12. I predicted to my co-workers today that the score would be 24 - 13, how unfortunate it was that the Queens went for two, I would have been a god. Finally someone in the booth admits that Favre beat a shitty team on Sunday.

Tramon Williams just made the worst fucking play I've ever seen, this shit was Ahmad Carroll-esque, he just put his hands straight down and ran right into Sidney Rice. How fucking long have you played corner back man? How is this a good idea? What the fuck man, just run with the receiver, it was a bad pass, he's not catching it, you suck. Luckily the Queens are taking their sweet ass time here and running the clock out for us.

The Queens wide outs are absolutely atrocious. Cullen Jenkins is down, looks like just a cramp, thank god, we can't afford to lose any D tackles this early or else we'll end up having to sign Grady Jackson in week 8. I just called a draw play up the middle for the touchdown after a fucking HORRIBLE defensive performance by the Packers. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING OUT THERE. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Onside kick, hits a Packer and goes out of bounds, we get possession. Jaws had the BRILLIANT insight that once it hits Bigby, THAT'S A LIVE BALL. No shit Jaws? Pretty sure it's a live ball as soon as it gets 10 yards, but then I guess you're the intelligent announcer and I'm just some idiot blogging on my couch.

We just had a terrible fucking penalty. 3rd and 11, 2:29, HOW THE FUCK DO WE NOT PASS THE BALL HERE? What does it save us? Maybe 20 seconds after the pass play and the punt? If it's complete we win the game. And we get stuffed and are punting the ball after the 2 minute warning. I want to vomit.

Somehow Barnett doesn't get called for a horse collar on Peterson after the catch, wow that was lucky. 1:08 left. Bigby picks the ball off, falls down, GETS THE FUCK BACK UP FOR SOME GOD AWFUL REASON, but then he gets tackled, thank fucking god.

Packers win...

Here's a parting gift for everyone out there in TV Land.



See if you can put together the significance of that little screenshot of our waiver wire in Juice's fantasy league.

Wow, part II

This may be my final season of fantasy football, football pools and gambling on the NFL forever. I don't even know where to begin. The shitty ass Bears beat the heavily favored Colts in Indianopolis. Fast Willie scores as many TD's in the first game as his entire 2007 total (and I fucking let him go). The Falcons and Bills are suddenly playoff contenders. Tennesse controls Jacksonville for the win. I am under .500 this week in my pool, and that is straight up with no lines!

My ff team is about as shitty as it gets and I don't see it getting any better (despite the 20 fucking random moves I will be making over the next 24 hours). If anybody has a starting running back that can generate more than 10 points a game, please make me an offer. I will take nearly anything. MJD has suddenly fallen off the planet. Rudi Johnson and Julius Jones are backups, at best. My only hope is that Marion Barber is injured bad enough to keep him out, then Felix Jones can get some more carries.

As mentioned on the ff website, the Shaun Alexander waiver continues to fuck people over. (Over the next couple of years, I predict everybody will be impaced by this move in a negative way at least once). I would be better off flipping a coin in my pool than analyzing the matchups and logically trying to make a pick. My fantasy team will start out 0-7, and in the eighth week I might get matched up against one of those guys who quits putting in starting rosters and I will get my first win.

To sum it up, everything sucks in my football world, including Wyoming who was destroyed and dominated by Air Force. My only hope is that my high school team won on Friday. I think I will look it up.

Wow

Tom Brady looks like he's probably done for the year.  There are so many different emotions happening at the same time that it feels weird.  My first reaction was joy.  This is likely a sad reflection of my status as a human being.  However, the emotion wasn't towards Brady himself.  He seems like a fine enough individual, and even though I dislike him because next to Derek Jeter he probably has the best life of any human being on planet earth and karma is a dirty slut; I don't wish harm to him.  I do wish harm upon Patriot fan, and really Boston fans as a group.  They are fucking annoying, and feel entitled to all the success they have.  So the joy came from tasting the tears of all the douches with their Sawx hats and Drew Bledsoe jerseys on.  The next reaction was to laugh.  I laugh because fucking Bear, whom I can't trust further than I can throw, fucking unloaded Brady the day before for 75 cents on the dollar.  It was like he knew.  I also laugh because my brother was on the receiving end of that kick in the nuts.  Now not only does he not have Brady, but he doesn't have Reggie Wayne (or Matt Cassell for that matter, who was scooped up by Schmock). 

 

What I wished for so hard last season finally happened, but I feel a little cheated.  I wish they could've got off to like 9-0 and THEN broke his knee into a million pieces.  Then I wouldn't feel cheated.

 

Other thoughts on the weekend that was: 1) What the fuck happened with the Bears/Colts, Panthers/Chargers?  The Bears looked an awful lot like that shitty Super Bowl team two years ago.  2) What I remember of the Brewer game Saturday was pretty awesome.  Two straight CG shutouts for Sheets when I go.  Had the best seats I've ever had.  Had I been allowed to purchase a beer in the 8th (fucking fascists) I might have punched the fat bitch in front of me in the face over the foul ball that came into my section.  3) Had a mind blowing hangover yesterday, even though the party was pretty weak (bed by 1) by most standards.  Part of the hangover may have been caused by having to put together patio furniture.

 

Finally, my pants are positively jumping with delight right now.  I swear that I could smell brats when I crossed the bridge near Lambeau on my way to work.  GO PACK GO!