Saturday, September 13, 2008

Longest Post EVER!

Well here we go, buckle up buttercup!. I am fresh off a Loaded Steakhouse Burger Combo from Burger King. I ate about 3/4 of it and now I want to vomit. This tends to happen whenever I eat burger-based fast food. I fucking knew I should have went with Taco Bell or some such thing. Now that I didn't eat it all, I will be hungry in an hour and I don't have anything to eat at the crib. ANYWAYS, it is about 8 p.m. CST and I am starting this shit. It will go anywhere between an hour and a half, to five-ish hours depending on when I have to hop in the car and drive for an hour and a half round trip to pick up the (drunk) wife.

8:08-Haven't seen any of the USC/Ohio St. game yet, but it appears that this McKnight character for USC is fast. 7-3 USC right now. I am going to assume it was a 109 yard missed field goal return for a TD.

8:09-Does anyone else think there was far too much hype for a college football game? It is a greatly inferior product to the NFL in all respects. Speaking on inferior, I lost interest in the Brewer game after about 10 minutes. It took a fucking hurricane to stop the 'stros from gaining on the Brewers.

8:11-Play-action pass, the camera man lost track of the ball and passed out. Animal's kid shit his pants, and the TE was wide open, 14-3 Trojan-enz. This could be a long night.

8:12- Dr. J just hit a 12 foot jumper with an ice cube into a glass.

8:14- Easiest Aflac trivia question of all-time. Who did Matt Cassel sit behind? It was obviously O.J. Simpson and Keyshawn Johnson.

8:15- It strikes me as odd how good Brent Musberger still is, considering how old he is. I'm not that old, but my first sports memories were him calling NFL and NBA games for CBS. What is his co-ed scoreboard? How many sideline reporters has he been with? Did he, Herbie, Chris Fowler, Lee Corso and Desmond Howard ever run a train on Erin Andrews?

8:18- BIG hit on a pass over the middle.

8:19-Seems to me that Terrell Pryor is going to be haunting the Badgers later this season. Fucking Brett Basanez used to own Bucky.

8:21-OSU just had a 15 yd pass and run to the 3 called back on a hold, followed by a 21 yd TD pass called back on a hold. If I was Jim Tressel, I would tell them to stop holding.

8:23- Oklahoma leads AT Washington 34-0 at halftime. I wonder if Ty Willingham will be fired for being black again.

8:24- Missed FG for OSU. Still 14-3

8:25- "Body of Lies" looks kind of cool. Speaking of kind of cool, I just started watching "The Sopranos" last night. First episode I've ever seen.

8:26- "Opportunity Knocks" does not look kind of cool.

8:27- How does UCLA lose 59-0 to a bunch of Mormons (BYU)? Maybe BYU played University of Church Lard Asses and not California-Los Angeles.

8:30- OSU punt returner fails to call a fair catch and gets destroyed.

8:31- What exactly is "Chic-Fil-A" Sauce? I bet it is made of the same stuff as Gyro sauce.

8:35- I just left to piss and it turns out Rey Muleuga picked off OSU and ran it back for a TD. 21-3 USC. I could swear I saw that Muleuga has his hair styled into devil horns on his picture.

8:38- I just saw on the bottom line that one of my alma-maters UW-La Crosse got destroyed 45-7 by North Dakota. Pretty sure UND is D-II or I-AA. UW-L is D-III.

8:42- Musberger just mentioned that a commuter train smashed into a freight train in LA the other day, and he's "sure that some of the people affected are watching" and gives his condolences. I bet if they were affected that much, they wouldn't have dropped everything to watch a fucking football game. I mean, this isn't Alabama. And its not like the Packers are playing. By the way, if a hurricane hit Green Bay on a Sunday, and for some reason the Packers chose to play in it, Lambeau would be full, and 40 years later, 500,000 people would claim they were there.

8:44- Ohio St. just turned it over again. I'm glad something else will be on in about 45 minutes.

8:46- Charlie Weis got "McGahee'd" today.

8:49- You know what would be really good right now? A chocolate shake. (I may be over my burger with mashed potatoes on top of it induced stomach ache.)

8:51- USC QB just threw a pass that landed 25 yards out of the back of the end zone.

8:51- Interception Ohio St. Looked out of bounds to me live. Never mind, I'm a moron. Half time.

8:53- Wow. Not only is Erin Andrews hot, but she is fast too. Tressel tried to run from her, and she sprinted his ass down in high heels to ask him some bullshit question about why they suck so bad. I would HATE sideline reporters if I was a coach, except it would be awfully hard to be a dick to Erin Andrews.

8:57- There is NO FUCKING WAY that you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a fancy Italian restaurant's pasta and fucking Pizza Hut's. Dumbest. Commercial. Ever.

8:58- FUCK! I turn to the Big Ten Network because I see that Minnesota at Wisconsin basketball from January 22, 1990 is on, but they have some bullshit halftime show for the shitty game I'm watching. SPOILER ALERT: Minnesota at Wisconsin - 1/22/1990In an epic installment to this storied rivalry, Wisconsin took control of the game early and led 57- 36 lead with just 12 minutes left to play. The Gophers slowly chipped away, outscoring the Badgers 30 - 9 over the next seven minutes, tying the game at 66. However, with less than one second left, Wisconsin's Kurt Portmann found Patrick Tompkins under the basket for a layup, giving the Badgers a 77-75 win. Sounds alot better than USC/Ohio St. Who the fuck are Kurt Portmann and Patrick Tompkins???

9:08- While flipping around I find a "Saturday Night Live" rerun with Christina Aguilera as host. I bring this up because the keeps brushing under her nose with her she is obviously high on cocaine.

9:10- Actual description of a movie on Sci-Fi: "An archaeologist unleashes a violent storm after he releases an ancient god from captivity." Alright, I guess.

9:12- Holy shit. Auburn 3, Miss St. 2, 2:28 remaining in the game.

9:16- Dude from Auburn just had a blind, one-handed interception, and managed to tip toe in-bounds while falling backwards. This game is ALOT more entertaining than that other piece of shit.

9:23- The "Collision in the Coliseum" sucks. Whoever paid $5,000 for a ticket should be shot.

9:24- I think my favorite part of college football is the obscene numbers that players often put up. For instance, Oklahoma QB Sam Bradford has 304 yds, 5TD, 1 rushing the end of the third quarter.

9:30- Video of a bunch of drunk Badger fans in Fresno. Love it. I guarantee there will be 10,000 Badger fans there, but you won't be able to see them because everyone is wearing red.

9:33- The blow-up "doghouse" that Fresno was supposed to come out of deflated with a bunch of players in it. Hopefully that is a sign of things to come. Please explain why the first guy out had a sledgehammer?

9:36- USC 28, OSU 3

9:37- P.J. Hill is still slow. 6 yard gain of first carry.

9:38- Sounds pretty loud there. What does the "V" on the field/helmet's mean? Victory? Valley? Vagina? Beckum just dropped a catchable ball on his first look of the year. 3 and out for Bucky.

9:40- What legitimate D-I team has a football field with yellow soccer lines on it? Answer me that.

9:41- I just found out Fresno has a TE named Bear Pasco. No word on whether he and the wanna-be blogger are the same person. That would be strange. 3 and out for Fresno.

9:43- Cubs v. Astros for two in Milwaukee. Awkward. The Astros would sweep them on the bottom of the ocean right now.

9:45- Another gain of an inch for Hill. I hate him. If there isn't a 50 foot hole (which often there is), he just runs into the back of the O-line and falls down.

9:46- Rod's Research says the key for the Badgers defense is to "trap the Bear". Absolutely. That would be so much more funny if I was drunk.

9:47- 35-3 USC. But seriously, we should talk about this game an hour a day for two weeks on ESPN.

9:48- Hill is running roughshod. 3 straight 10+ yard carries.

9:49- Rod Gilmore's partner: "They grow 'em big in Wisconsin." Me: "That's what she said."

9:51- Zach Brown gets stuffed on 3rd and goal from the 2. Badgers are going for it on 4th. Fucking Hill loses a yard. Goddammit.

9:53- He who shall not be named is comfortable in Wranglers. Oh shit, I almost forgot about this. I heard a fucking ad for it on the radio tonight! This guy is going to make a million dollars, and I hate him for it.

10:00- Interception! Wisconsin! Ball batted about 40 feet in the air, and it is picked by the linebacker. 0-0 with 2:04 left in 1st

10:02- Debbie Meyers loses hundreds of dollars in rotten produce a year? Perhaps you should cut back on the celery sticks bitch.

10:03- Nice. Evridge backs up to throw, four guys come nearly unblocked, he spins around, runs forward, throws a bullet with his feet right on the line of scrimmage! First and goal at the 3.

10:04- Fake up the middle, bootleg, and Evridge has to pick between the three wide open recievers. 7-0 Bucky.

10:07- Oh shit. Middle Tennesee St. completed a hail mary with no time left against Kentucky...and got tackled at the one. That sucks.

10:08- 7-0 at the end of the first.

10:09- I think Bucky Badger could take the live bulldog mascot of Fresno. Even if that little fucker was vicious, the Bucky costume is probably pretty thick. If he became attached with his bit I would just swing him up against the stadium railing or something. I think a real badger would take either the bulldog, or the human bulldog mascot. A fucking badger would stab right through that costume with his claws.

10:11- Ten year old girls should not whore out their dad using Just for Men.

10:12- They just showed a Fresno fan who had his face painted like The Joker. I didn't want to sleep tonight anyway.

10:14- The Badgers are heeding the "keep your head up" rule of playing football. All four d-lineman just ran past a fumbled snap, and the QB recovered. Fresno is methodically driving right now.

10:15- I've never heard the term "playing in a phone booth" used when referring to conservative playcalling before. I've heard it 5 times tonight referring to Fresno. For some reason, because Fresno is in California, it is assumed they are a shitload faster than national power Wisconsin.

10:17- I guess Fresno's QB must be 5' 8". Another batted down pass on 3rd down. Fresno missed a FG wide left by about 15 yards. Still 7-0 Bucky.

10:19- I highly doubt LDT eats fucking Chunky soup. Unless that is what he eats off his whores. But definitely not for dinner.

10:22- TE Garrett Graham just bobbled a catch with a dude draped on him, catches it, then drags him for 5 more yards.

10:26- How do you lose a yard when you get flagged for holding? I've never understood that.

10:28- I know, let's run off-tackle on 3rd and 7! 38 yd FG for Bucky. 10-0.

10:29- I'm sick of this Brooke Shields Volkswagen commercial. It was pretty funny the first time though.

10:32- Pat Hill has impressive facial hair.

10:33- USC just held on to beat Ohio St. 35-3.

10:34- How does a home win over Wisco make Fresno more of a "BCS Buster" than (my current No. 1) East Carolina, who won at ranked Virginia Tech and at home against a higher ranked team than Wisco in West Virginia? Rod Gilmore claims it is because Boise St. beat Oklahoma a few years ago and they are in the same conference, which is about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Of course, none of this would be an issue if we had a fucking 32 team playoff.

10:38- Fresno is facing a 3rd and 24. I say they should run off-tackle. Let's see what they do....attempted screen pass that didn't work at all. At least the Badgers got 2 yards off-tackle.

10:40- Useless stat graphic: Bielema is 18-0 when leading at half time. Speaking of which, I just typed "Brett Bielema" into Google to check the spelling, and the new auto-complete thing showed "Brett Bielema Erin Andrews" which had about 800 pages of rumours that they bone. Enjoy.

10:43- Ahhhh. Thank you Rod Gilmour's anonymous partner (turns out his name is Joe Tessitore, which I think is Polish). The "V" stands for "Valley" as in the San Joaquin Valley where I guess Fresno is.

10:45- Call a timeout you dirty fucks! :35 left and they complete a pass, and then fuck around until :28 left. We won't need those seven seconds, mark my words.

10:47- Garrett Graham is WAAAAY better than Owen Daniels ever was, and that fucker starts in the NFL.

10:49- Fucking terrible. Is Joe Gibbs the Badgers coach? They run up to spike it with :06 left. Then burn the play clock and get a delay of game to set up a 50 yard FG for a frosh kicker. Pat Hill's mustache tingles and he calls a TO. And the kick gets blocked. Fuck me. Leverage anyone? 10-0 at halftime.

10:53- Wendi Nix has nothing to be ashamed of.

10:57- HAH! There is some old fucker selling something calling "Teeter Hang Ups" which appears to be a board where old people hang upside down to "help their back pain". I have no doubt this is the miracle back pain cure we've all been looking for.

11:10- Oh Fuck. Hail Mary win for Buffalo over Temple 30-28.

11:11- I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. No seriously, I just had a few handfuls and they were delicious.

11:13- Bucky is playing pretty well considering the score. Usually I am pulling out my hair in a game like this, but they seem in control.

11:16- This just in: Ed Cunningham is a "field level analyst". Why? Because he has a dick he isn't a "sideline reporter"? There should be an investigation. Fresno opens the half with a 3 and out.

11:19- How is this game a "trap game" for UW? Didn't they know Fresno was ranked and has been talking shit? Did they think Michigan was still Michigan and not the shadow of their former selves that got housed by Notre Dame today? Fucking retarded.

11:20- Badgers got their play picked ala Tecmo Bowl, and all 11 Fresno St. players tackled P.J. Hill in the backfield on 3rd and 2. Fresno muffed the punt (heh) but recovered.

11:25- Yikes. Crossing pattern, white dude flys by all of the Badger defenders 45 yards for a TD. 10-7 Bucky.

11:30- Jesus Christ. Last three Badger plays: overthrow by about 20 yards, dropped pass, false start.

11:32- The crowd is going ape shit.

11:33- And now a punt just got blocked. Fuck. Badgers are all of a sudden totally flustered. Fresno 1st and 10 on Badger 37.

11:36- Finally, something goes right. 51 yd FG, wide left.

11:37- It pisses me off that there isn't a Ruby Tuesday in GB. Not that I would go, but I hate it when they have commercials for a place that as far as I'm concerned is imaginary (Sonic, Chik-Fil-A, Popeye's)

11:40- The Badgers can't hear the snap count. False start, followed by a running play where only half the o-line left when the ball was snapped.

11:41- 3rd and 12 for Bucky. I say off-tackle. Nope, 9 yard pass. Same difference.

11:42- FUCKIN A! Punt goes off a Fresno blocker's back, Bucky recovers on the Fresno 23!

11:43- Tessitore keeps referring to RB John Clay as "Big John" Clay. Clay is a younger, healthier, faster version of P.J. Hill.

11:45- Holding call brings back an option keeper to the 4. Shit.

11:46- Fuck. Nearly picked at the goal line. 23 yd FG if Good! 13-7 Wisconsin.

11:49- FUMBLE! BADGER BALL! The white dude who burned us for a TD (who's name is Devon incidentally) just coughed it up on the Fresno 26. Oh, now Fresno is challenging. This might be the worst challenge ever. Childress-esque. He is grasping at straws now. This referee has taken like 12 minutes to look at this obvious call. WHAT!?!?!?!!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? They just reversed it! We are getting fucking homered. That was the worst thing I've ever seen! Holy shit! Even the Polish guy hates it and he has been openly rooting for Fresno. Pat Hill has the ref's family hostage. He is a creepy looking fucker.

11:55- UW just dropped an INT that it was a sure TD.

11:56- Fucking shit. 60 yard screen pass. 1st and goal on the 9.

11:58- BIG sack back at the 17 by a black dude named O'Brien.

11:59- 33 yd FG is good. 13-10. I'm still pissed.

12:02- End of 3rd. 13-10. Packers play in less than 12 hours and I still have an hour and a half of driving to do. I have a feeling my forearms are going to be sore tomorrow.

12:06- We need about an 11 minute TD drive right here.

12:07- Whoa. Near pick.

12:08- Punt coming up. This should be an adventure. Fair catch at the 17. 13:55 left.

12:11- I mean really, do you think they have "Macaroni and Cheese w/ Bacon" on the menu at a fancy Italian restaraunt? Idiots.

12:12- Fucking christ. 55 yd run on first play. Broke about 4 tackles.

12:14- 3rd and 9 at the 24. Draw play. Almost worked. Gain of 7. 35 yd FG is...WIDE RIGHT! That guy is going to get a broom stick shoved up his ass in the locker room. 11:16 left.

12:17- Here is what the Badgers should be doing on offense. Run until you get to short yardage, then play action pass. They are getting stuffed on short yardage, but having success otherwise.

12:19- Uh Oh. Evridge is hurt. Perhaps that is why he underthrew the last pass by 10 yards. They are speculating cramps. 8:34 left.

12:21- Ever see that disturbing commercial for the "Hoveround"? With the old people doing cheerios on thier wheel chairs? I just did.

12:23- Scherer comes in, Fresno brings the house, screen pass, about 2 feet short of a first down. Punting. Gay. 7:42 left, Fresno ball about thier own 20. I'm a little worried I'm going to get called to play drunk bus with about a minute left in a tie game. I'll have the radio, but its not the same. I'm debating whether to hit record on the 'ol DVR.

12:27- Fresno just flat out dropped a bomb. Oh wow.

12:29- Dammit. 10 yd gain on 3rd and 1. 6:38 and counting, around the 35 yd line.

12:32- 2nd and 5, DB gives reciever a 17 yd cushion. 1st down. 4:21 left, Fresno at the UW 47.

12:33- 3rd and 10. SACK! 4th and long at the Fresno 48! 2:20 left. Fresno punts. And the motherfucker stops dead on the 1-inch line. 1:55 left. Fresno with 2 TO's. UW with Dustin Scherer at QB. Everidge is pulling a Willis Reed right now, jogging out of the locker room after being carted off about 5 mintues ago. UW challanging whether the ball went over the goal line or not. Like there was any chance we would win that one.

12:37- QB sneak for 2. Evridge is still on the bench. TO Fresno with 1:51 left.

12:38- Fuck yeah. Bill Rentmeester, the near 3o0lb. fullback right up the middle for 7 and the first down! Last TO for Fresno, 1:44 left.

12:41- Wow. That was close. Bucky kneels it out. Huge, huge win. I'm out.

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