Thursday, September 4, 2008

Stealing from Bill Simmons

This is really lazy of me, and I've been making sort of a habit of outwardly stealing things lately, but ESPN's Bill Simmons returned after about a 36 month hiatus (still nowhere near as long as Loaf Cobra), and reminded me why I've always liked him when he wrote these two passages.
Prediction No. 7: Minnesota will not make the playoffs

Knowing I was headed to Vegas last July, my buddy Geoff (a die-hard Vikes fan) asked me to put $50 on them to win the Super Bowl. I tried to talk him out of it because, you know, Tarvaris Jackson was involved. He persisted. The last time Geoff sounded that fired up, it was when he visited me in L.A. and forced me take him to the street off Sunset Boulevard where they filmed the last 45 minutes of "Halloween."

(Random tangent: Lauren, Lo and Audrina from "The Hills" moved to this same street last year and nearly destroyed the Irony Scale as we knew it. With the exception of Spencer and Heidi, have any three real-life celebs ever been more in Michael Myers' wheelhouse? I vote for another "Halloween" remake in which Myers becomes famous from the previous killings and lands on "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew," escapes (but not before brutally murdering Mary Carey and Jeff Conaway), immediately goes to Don Antonio's to kill Spencer and Heidi, then follows Lauren and her friends around Hollywood for a night of club-hopping, finally going back to their street at 2 a.m. to kill Audrina and Justin Bobby as they're hooking up in Audrina's guest house, then Lo as she's plowing into a carton of ice cream in the kitchen, culminating in a 30-minute sequence in which he tries to kill L.C. and repeatedly fails until Dr. Drew shoots him down in the final scene. By the way, I would absolutely watch this movie. I won't apologize, either. Back to the column.)

So what happened? I ended up not making the bet after finding out the odds were 10-to-1. Geoff got mad, I didn't care. Sometimes you have to stick to principles in life and here's one of them: Fifty bucks to win $500 on either 24-year-old Tarvaris Jackson or 37-year-old Gus Frerotte winning a Super Bowl is not a bet that should be made, ever, under any circumstances. Nobody can convince me otherwise. Anyway, I had the Vikes missing the playoffs even before valuable left tackle Bryant McKinnie got suspended for the first four games: at Green Bay (Monday night), Indy, Carolina, at Tennessee. And they're playing in New Orleans on a Monday night for Week 5. Throw in the potential of a sophomore jinx with Adrian Peterson and that's enough for me.

Prediction No. 8: Green Bay will win the NFC North by three games.

Fact: I have been to Wisconsin three times since 1994 and the locals only cared about four things -- Favre, eating, drinking and the Packers. In that exact order.

Fact: For all we know, Aaron Rodgers is the next Kyle Boller.

Fact: Rodgers will have more pressure on him in Week 1 -- Monday night, ESPN, Lambeau Field, Vikings-Packers -- than any American has faced since John F. Kennedy during the Cuban Missile Crisis. OK, I'm exaggerating. But not by much.

So why do I think the Packers will be fine? Because you can win 11 or 12 games with a below-average QB as long as his supporting cast is really good. (See: Grossman, Rex.) Well, I like this Packers team. It can survive even if Rodgers flounders for a few weeks. Which he probably will. As long as he doesn't have a nervous breakdown -- and I'm not ruling that out -- the Packers can finish 11-5 or 10-6.


On a side note, I didn't do anything at work today.  Also, I've seen/heard two people in the past two days pick the Pack to go to (and lose) the NFC Championship.  Finally, Tavarieauous Jackson sucks my testicles.  A Peter is over-rated.  I think Bear got worked over in the Brady/Coles for Rothliesberger/Wayne trade.  He got badly needed depth at wideout, but turned my brother into a sleeping giant.  He now has a proven QB to go along with solid WR/RB.  Bear is definitely sleeping with Belichick and has inside info on Brady's foot injury.

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