Monday, September 29, 2008

For Sale: Perfectly Good Vital Organs

It took me this long to write something, because I wasn't really that sure where to begin. I've never been as stressed out about anything as I was the last four days. Law school exams? Fuck that. Getting married? Nuh-uh. Buying a house? Puhleeze. The bar exam? For pussies. All of those things have one thing in common. Me. As in, I had something to do with the outcome. I could study, or talk, or think or do something to change the result. But there wasn't a fucking thing I could do about the Milwaukee Brewers. The only time I can remember being more stressed was the NFC Championship last year, but that was only one-ish day. There was just intense pressure for the past four days in a row of games. Luckily for me I was completely obliterated for two of them, so I couldn't process everything, and quickly forgot about them. But Thursday and Sunday was living and dying on every pitch, and relying on random clutch-ness from the decidedly unclutch (at least besides those two at bats) Ryan Braun for two mile high smashes. How do people from New York and Boston deal with this every year? I mean, at some point it becomes old hat I suppose, but every pitch for about two hours yesterday could have ended the Brewer's season. Maybe it just matters more because it has been 26 years, I dunno.

As the events finally unfolded yesterday, and the streamers started to fall, it got a little dusty in my living room. Not that it was as dusty as my wedding. No wiping was needed. But there was a faint hint of dust in the room.

After the game, my favorite quote came from Eric Gagne who, (and I'm paraphrasing here) when asked some bright question about how unbelievable Sabathia was he responded: "Unbelievable doesn't describe it. No human being should ever have been able to do what he did." I think what he meant to say was, "It takes a team of clydesdales to jack him off."

If it was possible to get drunk through your skin, CC was yesterday. I saw about 30 different pictures of him getting champagne dumped on him.

This shit has been unbelievable. Brewer fan is playing with house money right now. Honestly, I'm just happy to be here. They could lose by a combined 110 runs in three straight, and I would be OK. Do I wish that? Fuck no, I want them to win. But I think I would get over it quickly.

They have got to be underdogs, given the way Philly raped them a few weeks ago. But with CC going in games 2 and 5 (hopefully), they have a shot. Speaking of the rotation, I've been hearing it will be Yo in game 1 (which means that this, combined with leaving McClung in for four innings Friday, and leaving CC in for the 9th yesterday, means Sveum probably requires at least one clydesdale or some small ponies to jack him off), and FUCK Ben Sheets. I hope he's not even in the dugout. FUCK you.

Onto Wednesday, was there any question we would get collectively fucked with the afternoon game? I actually thought it would be both days, so we've got that. Of course, it's not like people in Wisconsin have jobs, so they shouldn't want to watch their team play in October for the first time in 26 fucking years. I of course, was hoping to sneak out, which is conceivable on most occasions. I know for a fact most if not all of my bosses will leave, and I would guess they would let me go of course I check my calendar and I am booked with appointments from 2 to 5. Fucking christ. And I'm sure they will be real productive. You know what else? The receptionist that takes opposite world views of me just to piss me off, and probably doesn't even give a fuck about the Brewers, will come in to tell me they are down 3-0 in the 5th or something. That might make me finally snap. ANYWAYS, the unfortunate plan is to avoid phone/internet/TV/radio until I get home, and watch it on a 4 hour tape delay. This is no way for me to live, but I've got no other choice.

For this weekend, I've got a liver, kidney, lung, testicle, ear and pinkie toe (with nail polish) that I'm willing to trade for two tickets to Saturday or Sunday (if necessary). I would also consider oral sex.

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