Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Breaking News
I received a "friend request" from Juice's law school buddy on Facebook today. Not that I actually believe it's him. I just wanted everyone to know the lengths Juice is willing to go to perpetuate the idea of his alter-ego. I'll give you credit though, the picture you used isn't much different than the picture I had in my head.
Toothless, White-Trash, Rednecks
So the saga continues. Karma continues to rear its ugly bitch face. I would think I've built up some good karma with the various shit that has happened over the course of 2009 (and obviously I know that whatever has happened, it could have been worse). But I must be a fucking terrible human being. I guess thinking and speaking various bad thoughts is just as bad as actually acting on them.
But onto last night....The wife and I go to the grocery store to get much needed sustenance. We are getting down to emergency meals (i.e. the ones you only eat when you have no other choice). We spend like 45 minutes getting all sorts of shit, and actually it was a fairly large trip. We double checked before we went to the store that the bank would let us write checks due to the whole stolen wallet thing and security flags and such. We were assured that it wasn't a problem. So the wife writes out a check for $153.42, and the motherfucker gets denied. Few things are embarrassing as the whole chain of events:
1) We are writing a check. We NEVER write checks unless it is to some other person. We always use our credit cards and pay them off online. AND to make it more ironic, I am always the asshole standing behind the old person/neck in line behind the person writing the check wanting to kill them as they take ten minutes to write the stupid fucking check and THEN refusing to leave until they make the entry into their god(Sports Bottle's)damn check register.
2) It is 8 p.m. so there is one open land and about 12 people behind us with two items.
3) They reject the fucking check and treat us like criminals.
4) We make them call over the manager and she is a bitch about it.
5) We act like assholes.
6) We spend like 30 minutes on the phone with the bank while our ice cream melts.
Our bank informs us that they think the problem is with the third party company that grocery stores pay to approve checks for them. Of course, the bank give me the wrong one so I spend the next 15 minutes arguing with some (expletive deleted) woman about whether or not I can read the number off the bottom of my check, and whether I know my own social security number. Finally, we figured out that the grocery store uses a different company to do this job. We call that company and we get a recording telling us that they won't approve it because we are "high risk" and that we can't talk to a real person. Eventually we give up and tell the manager to have fun putting away our groceries.
Upon getting home, we finally fucked with their robot on the phone enough that it gave up and gave us a person. Person tells us that the check was not denied for the theft, or that we are dirtbags, but because WE HAD NEVER WRITTEN A CHECK TO A STORE BEFORE. Which, by the way, is likely true. But it is insane that they won't take a check from someone just because they haven't written it before. Someone I know that went to law school informed me that a CHECK IS A MOTHERFUCKING NEGOTIABLE INSTRUMENT. IT IS FUCKING LEGAL TENDER. IT IS A NOTE THAT ENTITLES YOU TO FUCKING MONEY. LEGALLY, IT SHOULDN'T BE A FUCKING OPTION ON WHETHER YOU WANT TO APPROVE IT OR NOT. We were told we had to write smaller checks to "establish a history". After fucking with the chick for awhile (i.e. Asking her if I could write 75 $2 checks to the same place) we eventually gave up. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go sign up for food stamps because those, unlike FUCKING CHECKS WHERE THE FUCKING BANK ASSURES YOU THERE IS FUCKING MONEY, are never used fraudulently.
OTHER OKTOBERFEST STUFF I REMEMBERED LATER:
- Our old roommate, lets call him Bill, showed up out of the blue. Comments associated with said meeting included: "Now I know where my 40 pounds went." and "I was afraid Bill was going to eat me." and "I love his tits."
- I had not been quiet when saying these things, which is strange because after 25 drinks, I'm usually like a church mouse. Anyways, the conspiracy theory is that he in fact, stole my wallet. Which would not surprise me in the least.
- My wife, my brother and Mark went "Snout Hunting" Which is the meanest thing ever.
- My wife accidentally sent a text to Richards ex-girlfriend that said "I luv u."
I'm sure some other things will come to mind.
IN OTHER NEWS:
I am already sick of He Who Shall Not Be Named v. Packers talk. If we don't win this game I might kill myself.
But onto last night....The wife and I go to the grocery store to get much needed sustenance. We are getting down to emergency meals (i.e. the ones you only eat when you have no other choice). We spend like 45 minutes getting all sorts of shit, and actually it was a fairly large trip. We double checked before we went to the store that the bank would let us write checks due to the whole stolen wallet thing and security flags and such. We were assured that it wasn't a problem. So the wife writes out a check for $153.42, and the motherfucker gets denied. Few things are embarrassing as the whole chain of events:
1) We are writing a check. We NEVER write checks unless it is to some other person. We always use our credit cards and pay them off online. AND to make it more ironic, I am always the asshole standing behind the old person/neck in line behind the person writing the check wanting to kill them as they take ten minutes to write the stupid fucking check and THEN refusing to leave until they make the entry into their god(Sports Bottle's)damn check register.
2) It is 8 p.m. so there is one open land and about 12 people behind us with two items.
3) They reject the fucking check and treat us like criminals.
4) We make them call over the manager and she is a bitch about it.
5) We act like assholes.
6) We spend like 30 minutes on the phone with the bank while our ice cream melts.
Our bank informs us that they think the problem is with the third party company that grocery stores pay to approve checks for them. Of course, the bank give me the wrong one so I spend the next 15 minutes arguing with some (expletive deleted) woman about whether or not I can read the number off the bottom of my check, and whether I know my own social security number. Finally, we figured out that the grocery store uses a different company to do this job. We call that company and we get a recording telling us that they won't approve it because we are "high risk" and that we can't talk to a real person. Eventually we give up and tell the manager to have fun putting away our groceries.
Upon getting home, we finally fucked with their robot on the phone enough that it gave up and gave us a person. Person tells us that the check was not denied for the theft, or that we are dirtbags, but because WE HAD NEVER WRITTEN A CHECK TO A STORE BEFORE. Which, by the way, is likely true. But it is insane that they won't take a check from someone just because they haven't written it before. Someone I know that went to law school informed me that a CHECK IS A MOTHERFUCKING NEGOTIABLE INSTRUMENT. IT IS FUCKING LEGAL TENDER. IT IS A NOTE THAT ENTITLES YOU TO FUCKING MONEY. LEGALLY, IT SHOULDN'T BE A FUCKING OPTION ON WHETHER YOU WANT TO APPROVE IT OR NOT. We were told we had to write smaller checks to "establish a history". After fucking with the chick for awhile (i.e. Asking her if I could write 75 $2 checks to the same place) we eventually gave up. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go sign up for food stamps because those, unlike FUCKING CHECKS WHERE THE FUCKING BANK ASSURES YOU THERE IS FUCKING MONEY, are never used fraudulently.
OTHER OKTOBERFEST STUFF I REMEMBERED LATER:
- Our old roommate, lets call him Bill, showed up out of the blue. Comments associated with said meeting included: "Now I know where my 40 pounds went." and "I was afraid Bill was going to eat me." and "I love his tits."
- I had not been quiet when saying these things, which is strange because after 25 drinks, I'm usually like a church mouse. Anyways, the conspiracy theory is that he in fact, stole my wallet. Which would not surprise me in the least.
- My wife, my brother and Mark went "Snout Hunting" Which is the meanest thing ever.
- My wife accidentally sent a text to Richards ex-girlfriend that said "I luv u."
I'm sure some other things will come to mind.
IN OTHER NEWS:
I am already sick of He Who Shall Not Be Named v. Packers talk. If we don't win this game I might kill myself.
Monday, September 28, 2009
The Man Without a Face
I'm not going to lie to you. I'm having a pretty hard time getting much done at work today. I have three valid reasons for this. 1) It is Monday. Monday's generally don't go all that well for anyone. 2) I'm on hangover day 2. I might have had too much to drink at Oktoberfest. 3) I'm stressed out. 4) I don't actually exist.
If you hadn't been with me at Oktoberfest on Saturday, you may be wondering what I mean by number 4. Well, to make a long story short (which I will again make long in a minute). Someone stole my wallet from my pocket on Saturday afternoon. Along with all of my earthly identification, credit cards, and my social security card. I spent a few drunken hours Saturday, some time Sunday and again today, making sure that everyone knew that as far as they were concerned, if anyone tries to do anything in my name, it is probably fraudulent. Which will inconvenience me not only for the past few days, but for the next few months in all likelihood, because when it really is me, I'll have to prove it, which is fucking annoying. Who steals a fucking wallet? I think I'm most looking forward to my joint trip to the DMV/Social Security office tomorrow morning. Followed by me laying in traffic trying to get by the largest 18 wheeler on the planet. Seriously though, I would be impressed if whatever dirtbag stole my shit was able to do anything at this point.
OKTOBERFEST RECAP
-Got there around 2:30. Had a shitload of drinks. Thought for some reason that going to John's at like 7:30 was a good idea. Blacked out shortly thereafter. Allegedly aided and abetted in the drinking of two fishbowls. Richard died at like 8. I humped him. My wife stole his iPhone (karma?).
-Woke up on Saturday at 6:45 am to the strong stench of vomit. It turns out that my brother, the Unknown Blogger, took it upon himself to vomit in every square inch of the hotel room. This includes the floor in the bathroom, the toilet, the carpeted floor near the beds, the bed skirt, the bed I was sleeping in, and my suitcase. The vomiting did not awaken anyone in the hotel room, which is incredible. It had to have been like a scene from the Exorcist. It is not humanly possible to vomit that much.
-Got to Brother's at about 8:45 am. Started in on the screwdrivers. Lost count of those quickly. Badgers won handily. Smaller crowd than normal to start the game due to the 11 am start. Was pretty busy by the end. Drinking and barhopping followed. I left Richard passed out by himself at Coconut Joe's. (more karma?) Followed that with having my wallet stolen from my pocket (I felt it happen, but didn't realize what happened until a few minutes later). Panicked calls to police and credit cards. Followed that with going to a bunch of bars with no ID, and whatever cash I had in my pocket. Got surprisingly drunk considering what happened, and the fact that I had debilitating heart burn. Eventually we died fairly early. Longest ride home ever yesterday. OK performance by the Pack. He Who Shall Not Be Named has a horseshoe directly up his ass.
If you hadn't been with me at Oktoberfest on Saturday, you may be wondering what I mean by number 4. Well, to make a long story short (which I will again make long in a minute). Someone stole my wallet from my pocket on Saturday afternoon. Along with all of my earthly identification, credit cards, and my social security card. I spent a few drunken hours Saturday, some time Sunday and again today, making sure that everyone knew that as far as they were concerned, if anyone tries to do anything in my name, it is probably fraudulent. Which will inconvenience me not only for the past few days, but for the next few months in all likelihood, because when it really is me, I'll have to prove it, which is fucking annoying. Who steals a fucking wallet? I think I'm most looking forward to my joint trip to the DMV/Social Security office tomorrow morning. Followed by me laying in traffic trying to get by the largest 18 wheeler on the planet. Seriously though, I would be impressed if whatever dirtbag stole my shit was able to do anything at this point.
OKTOBERFEST RECAP
-Got there around 2:30. Had a shitload of drinks. Thought for some reason that going to John's at like 7:30 was a good idea. Blacked out shortly thereafter. Allegedly aided and abetted in the drinking of two fishbowls. Richard died at like 8. I humped him. My wife stole his iPhone (karma?).
-Woke up on Saturday at 6:45 am to the strong stench of vomit. It turns out that my brother, the Unknown Blogger, took it upon himself to vomit in every square inch of the hotel room. This includes the floor in the bathroom, the toilet, the carpeted floor near the beds, the bed skirt, the bed I was sleeping in, and my suitcase. The vomiting did not awaken anyone in the hotel room, which is incredible. It had to have been like a scene from the Exorcist. It is not humanly possible to vomit that much.
-Got to Brother's at about 8:45 am. Started in on the screwdrivers. Lost count of those quickly. Badgers won handily. Smaller crowd than normal to start the game due to the 11 am start. Was pretty busy by the end. Drinking and barhopping followed. I left Richard passed out by himself at Coconut Joe's. (more karma?) Followed that with having my wallet stolen from my pocket (I felt it happen, but didn't realize what happened until a few minutes later). Panicked calls to police and credit cards. Followed that with going to a bunch of bars with no ID, and whatever cash I had in my pocket. Got surprisingly drunk considering what happened, and the fact that I had debilitating heart burn. Eventually we died fairly early. Longest ride home ever yesterday. OK performance by the Pack. He Who Shall Not Be Named has a horseshoe directly up his ass.
Fantastic ESPN poll link
Now it goes without saying that Brett Favre is the hands down greatest QB of all time, who's love of the game inspires greatness in all of us and who's child-like playful antics on the field make us all reflect a little gentler on our own hardships in life. His amazing run of dominating 4th quarter comeback drives continued on Sunday when he dutifully heaved a 30 yard pass into the back of the end zone for some random no name receiver(who's probably wearing a brand new pair of Wranglers this morning thanks to that catch). The big inflatable toilet erupted into chaos as this manchild of the football gridiron succeeded once again.
Ok enough of my Peter King impersonation. I'll give him this, he did it again, whoopah. TJack would have made that pass. Still, this is one hilarious ESPN poll link. I'm attributing the 45% who voted on the Favre play to Western Wisconsin Vikings fans(6%), true blue Favre homers who could never stop loving the man(7%), Wisconsinites who truly felt it was the best play(3%) and a Florida presidential election-esque voting page that registered votes for Driver's catch as votes for Favre's play(29%).
Ok enough of my Peter King impersonation. I'll give him this, he did it again, whoopah. TJack would have made that pass. Still, this is one hilarious ESPN poll link. I'm attributing the 45% who voted on the Favre play to Western Wisconsin Vikings fans(6%), true blue Favre homers who could never stop loving the man(7%), Wisconsinites who truly felt it was the best play(3%) and a Florida presidential election-esque voting page that registered votes for Driver's catch as votes for Favre's play(29%).
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Quick Picks
OK, this is prolly my last one this week.
Last Week: 8-8
Season: 14-18
All-Time: 148-144-7
NYJ (-3), GB (-6.5), Was (-6.5), Atl (+4), Hou (-3.5), SF(+7), Bal (-13), NYG (-6.5), NO (-6), Chi (-2), Cin (+4), SD (-6), Den (-2), Ind (+2.5), Car (+8.5)
Packers 21, Rams 13 (The bottom line is that the Rams are terrible. The Pack didn't look a whole lot better, but I think Woodson has at least one TAINT in him, and I'm banking on somebody drilling Bulger in the back causing a fumble inside the 20).
Badgers 27, Spartans 21
Oktoberfest will beat me again, to remain unbeaten against me all-time
Last Week: 8-8
Season: 14-18
All-Time: 148-144-7
NYJ (-3), GB (-6.5), Was (-6.5), Atl (+4), Hou (-3.5), SF(+7), Bal (-13), NYG (-6.5), NO (-6), Chi (-2), Cin (+4), SD (-6), Den (-2), Ind (+2.5), Car (+8.5)
Packers 21, Rams 13 (The bottom line is that the Rams are terrible. The Pack didn't look a whole lot better, but I think Woodson has at least one TAINT in him, and I'm banking on somebody drilling Bulger in the back causing a fumble inside the 20).
Badgers 27, Spartans 21
Oktoberfest will beat me again, to remain unbeaten against me all-time
Huh?
Alright, I lied about it being my last post of the week. I meant the last long post. Anyways, Aaron Rouse was just let go, despite the fact that he was a starter, and despite the fact that everyone else is injured, and despite the fact that the guy we signed to replace him doesn't know the defense and won't be able to contribute this week. Bueller? Bueller? If this means a Jarrett Bush start, I'm going to stop by Lambeau on my way home and leave a bag of flaming shit.
PS. I'm glad I picked up Laurent Robinson. I may just have to start him this week.
PS. I'm glad I picked up Laurent Robinson. I may just have to start him this week.
The Oktoberfest Manifesto
This will probably be my last post of the week, unless something changes. I actually have alot of shit to do before our grand return to La Crosse on Friday.
Oktoberfest is the best time that a human being can have. Ever. Trips to Vegas are awesome, and I'm certainly looking forward to that too. But it is a different kind of awesome than Oktoberfest. It is a bit more complicated, you don't really know your way around, there is a system to Vegas drinking that needs to be re-figured out each time you go, time gets all weird because of the time zone, and because you are in the windowless casinos most of the day. You have to fly there, etc. Great time, but different.
Oktoberfest is unique. You get a combination of likeminded people, gathering in a college town to drink 48 oz warm beers, get annihilated, and do stupid things. You will see 18 year olds in the bars wasted at all hours. You will see 80 year olds at the bars wasted at all hours. You will see a 21 year old puking in the middle of 3rd street at bar time. You will see two 47 year old women getting into a fist fight at bar time. You will see the most disgusting bathrooms you have ever seen in your entire life. You will see cops on horses. You may go 48 hours without eating. You may eat 6 Jimmy John's subs in 12 hours. The drinks are relatively cheap considering how much they could charge (people would drink it no matter what). Yet everyone always leaves with no money. People fight for the chance to pay $200 a night for a hotel room. Every year is the same. Every year is different. Every year is fantastic.
Oktoberfest has two or three fantastic moments for me every year, and two or three awful moments.
Fantastic Moment #1: The Arrival. It is great to get there, having that anticipation in your stomach, and tasting that first beer. Then waiting for everyone else to arrive, and being super happy to see everyone, even though in six hours you will be sick of half of them. This year will be slightly different because I've seen most of my college buddies about a thousand times this summer due to various bachelor parties and such. But it will still be awesome.
Fantastic Moment #2: Friday night. Usually consists of everybody getting blacked out drunk like they haven't been blacked out drunk since the Oktoberfest before. Especially since we are all getting older. Combination of beer, shots and drinks at John's. Everyone stays out on Friday until physically removed from the bars, and gets drunk enough to still be pretty drunk in the morning.
Fantastic Moment #3: About 8 (or 9? or 10?) a.m. on Saturday/Badger game. Being the first to arrive at Brother's every year. Never knowing what time the place opens (I swear those fucks change it every year). Staking our spot for the Badger game. A few times we actually ended up waiting outside for Brother's to open because we were so early. Even though the hotel room is like a block away, you need to avoid the temptation to go back to bed. Drinking a screwdriver as soon as possible is of the utmost importance. The Badger game on Saturday is one of the funnest things ever too. The bar gets PACKED (especially for a 2:30 game, although they are playing at 11 this year). The bar plays Badger music after scores (WHEN YOU SAY WISCONSIN, YOU SAID IT ALL!). Everyone dances and sings along. Everyone gets super fucking wasted. Then you walk outside, and it is still daylight.
Shitty Moment #1: Waking up Saturday. There is a 50/50 chance of me puking from Friday, which sucks. I have never been so sick that I've been prevented from immediately drinking on Saturday. But others have.
Shitty Moment #2: The Saturday lull. At some point on Saturday night, you drink yourself sober. It has happened to me every year. Your body gets used to being a .36 BAC, and you just cannot possibly get any more drunk, no matter what you do. This is AFTER the mandatory switch back to hard alcohol from beer because you have to step up your game. You would have to drink like a whole bottle of booze at once to get any more drunk, and even that might not do it. This leads to feeling tired and bored. We have had a few times where we were able to stretch it out until bar time, but typically by midnight I am done.
Shitty Moment #3: The drive home. Speaks for itself.
Going to be super motherfucking awesome. I have some important shit to do at work tomorrow, and I just don't know how I'm going to do it well. My mind is already in La Crosse. Feel free to pass this on to anyone else that is going. I would like to hear your comments.
Oktoberfest is the best time that a human being can have. Ever. Trips to Vegas are awesome, and I'm certainly looking forward to that too. But it is a different kind of awesome than Oktoberfest. It is a bit more complicated, you don't really know your way around, there is a system to Vegas drinking that needs to be re-figured out each time you go, time gets all weird because of the time zone, and because you are in the windowless casinos most of the day. You have to fly there, etc. Great time, but different.
Oktoberfest is unique. You get a combination of likeminded people, gathering in a college town to drink 48 oz warm beers, get annihilated, and do stupid things. You will see 18 year olds in the bars wasted at all hours. You will see 80 year olds at the bars wasted at all hours. You will see a 21 year old puking in the middle of 3rd street at bar time. You will see two 47 year old women getting into a fist fight at bar time. You will see the most disgusting bathrooms you have ever seen in your entire life. You will see cops on horses. You may go 48 hours without eating. You may eat 6 Jimmy John's subs in 12 hours. The drinks are relatively cheap considering how much they could charge (people would drink it no matter what). Yet everyone always leaves with no money. People fight for the chance to pay $200 a night for a hotel room. Every year is the same. Every year is different. Every year is fantastic.
Oktoberfest has two or three fantastic moments for me every year, and two or three awful moments.
Fantastic Moment #1: The Arrival. It is great to get there, having that anticipation in your stomach, and tasting that first beer. Then waiting for everyone else to arrive, and being super happy to see everyone, even though in six hours you will be sick of half of them. This year will be slightly different because I've seen most of my college buddies about a thousand times this summer due to various bachelor parties and such. But it will still be awesome.
Fantastic Moment #2: Friday night. Usually consists of everybody getting blacked out drunk like they haven't been blacked out drunk since the Oktoberfest before. Especially since we are all getting older. Combination of beer, shots and drinks at John's. Everyone stays out on Friday until physically removed from the bars, and gets drunk enough to still be pretty drunk in the morning.
Fantastic Moment #3: About 8 (or 9? or 10?) a.m. on Saturday/Badger game. Being the first to arrive at Brother's every year. Never knowing what time the place opens (I swear those fucks change it every year). Staking our spot for the Badger game. A few times we actually ended up waiting outside for Brother's to open because we were so early. Even though the hotel room is like a block away, you need to avoid the temptation to go back to bed. Drinking a screwdriver as soon as possible is of the utmost importance. The Badger game on Saturday is one of the funnest things ever too. The bar gets PACKED (especially for a 2:30 game, although they are playing at 11 this year). The bar plays Badger music after scores (WHEN YOU SAY WISCONSIN, YOU SAID IT ALL!). Everyone dances and sings along. Everyone gets super fucking wasted. Then you walk outside, and it is still daylight.
Shitty Moment #1: Waking up Saturday. There is a 50/50 chance of me puking from Friday, which sucks. I have never been so sick that I've been prevented from immediately drinking on Saturday. But others have.
Shitty Moment #2: The Saturday lull. At some point on Saturday night, you drink yourself sober. It has happened to me every year. Your body gets used to being a .36 BAC, and you just cannot possibly get any more drunk, no matter what you do. This is AFTER the mandatory switch back to hard alcohol from beer because you have to step up your game. You would have to drink like a whole bottle of booze at once to get any more drunk, and even that might not do it. This leads to feeling tired and bored. We have had a few times where we were able to stretch it out until bar time, but typically by midnight I am done.
Shitty Moment #3: The drive home. Speaks for itself.
Going to be super motherfucking awesome. I have some important shit to do at work tomorrow, and I just don't know how I'm going to do it well. My mind is already in La Crosse. Feel free to pass this on to anyone else that is going. I would like to hear your comments.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Quick OJSFA Week 3 Preview
Not alot of time the rest of the week, so I'm tossing this up quick now.
GAME OF THE WEEK
Heywood Jablome (1-1) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (1-1)
Top two teams in the Ron Goldman Division. The Ass Clowns figured out in week 1 how not to be terrible (Have Brees throw 5 TDs). Heywood dislikes wildcats.
Line: Ass Clowns by 5 1/2
History: Heywood leads 1-0
OTHER GAMES
Marino For Prez (1-1) v. RIP Billie Jean (2-0)
For some reason it seems illogical that Billie Jean is the only undefeated team, even though he was runner up last year. Perhaps it is that he is imaginary, and has lived in Wyoming, North Dakota, Nebraska, western Minnesota and the moon.
Line: Billie Jean by 14
History: Billie Jean leads 1-0
A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-1) v. Faribault Frauleins (1-1)
Not much to say other than I've been to Faribault, MN and it sucks. Oh, and this will be the Grapefruits last game because the owner is going to Oktoberfest and can't swim.
Line: Grapfruits by 4 1/2
History: A-Rodg leads 3-0
Clown Baby (1-1) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (0-2)
Jolly Pharmaceuticals is an abomination as a team, and it is quite possible they may be contracted. Or moved to L.A. All of their home games have been blacked out, because its only fans are toothless, laid off, minimum wage, sweatshop workers. All of whom hate football.
Line: Jolly by 15
History: Jolly leads 3-2
SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK
The White Broncos (1-1) v. Schmock's Team (1-1)
Statistically, two awful teams. Also, they just played last week and the Broncos kicked the shit out of them.
Line: Even
History: Schmock leads 4-2
GAME OF THE WEEK
Heywood Jablome (1-1) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (1-1)
Top two teams in the Ron Goldman Division. The Ass Clowns figured out in week 1 how not to be terrible (Have Brees throw 5 TDs). Heywood dislikes wildcats.
Line: Ass Clowns by 5 1/2
History: Heywood leads 1-0
OTHER GAMES
Marino For Prez (1-1) v. RIP Billie Jean (2-0)
For some reason it seems illogical that Billie Jean is the only undefeated team, even though he was runner up last year. Perhaps it is that he is imaginary, and has lived in Wyoming, North Dakota, Nebraska, western Minnesota and the moon.
Line: Billie Jean by 14
History: Billie Jean leads 1-0
A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-1) v. Faribault Frauleins (1-1)
Not much to say other than I've been to Faribault, MN and it sucks. Oh, and this will be the Grapefruits last game because the owner is going to Oktoberfest and can't swim.
Line: Grapfruits by 4 1/2
History: A-Rodg leads 3-0
Clown Baby (1-1) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (0-2)
Jolly Pharmaceuticals is an abomination as a team, and it is quite possible they may be contracted. Or moved to L.A. All of their home games have been blacked out, because its only fans are toothless, laid off, minimum wage, sweatshop workers. All of whom hate football.
Line: Jolly by 15
History: Jolly leads 3-2
SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK
The White Broncos (1-1) v. Schmock's Team (1-1)
Statistically, two awful teams. Also, they just played last week and the Broncos kicked the shit out of them.
Line: Even
History: Schmock leads 4-2
The Road To The Get Together Top 32: Week 3
Ask and ye shall recieve.
As always: (Rank) (Record)(Last Week) AP Rank
(1) Alabama (3-0) (3) 3
2) Boise St (3-0) (8) 8
(3) Texas (3-0) (6) 2
(4) LSU (3-0) (7) 7
(5) Cincinnati (3-0) (17) 14
(6) Kansas (3-0) (10) 20
(7) Michigan (3-0) (11) 23
(8) UCLA (3-0) (13) NR
(9) Miami (2-0) (31) 9
(10) Penn St (3-0) (15) 5
(11) Cal (3-0) NR 6
(12) North Carolina (3-0) (18) 22
(13) Missouri (3-0) (12) NR
(14) Pitt (3-0) (19) NR
(15) Auburn (3-0) (21) NR
(16) Iowa (3-0) (22) NR
(17) Colorado St. (3-0) (23) NR
(18) William & Mary (3-0) (27) NR
(19) Villanova (3-0) (28) NR
(20) Richmond (3-0) NR NR
(21) Houston (2-0) (4) 17
(22) USC (2-1) (2) 12
(23) BYU (2-1) (1) 29
(24) Tulsa (2-1) (5) NR
(25) Florida (3-0) (32) 1
(26) South Florida (3-0) (24) NR
(27) Wisconsin (3-0) (25) NR
(28) TCU (2-0) NR 15
(29) Kentucky (2-0) NR NR
(30) Virginia Tech (2-1) NR 11
(31) Ohio St (2-1) NR 13
(32) Georgia (2-1) NR 21
Dropped Out: (14) Minnesota, (9) Utah, (16) Nebraska, (20) Oregon St., (26) Hawaii, (29) SMU, (30) New Hampshire,
Most Overrated (AP Rank): Ole Miss (4), Oklahoma (10), Oklahoma St. (16), Florida St. (18), Washington (24)
Most Underrated (AP Rank): UCLA (NR), Missouri(NR), Auburn(NR), Iowa(NR)
Last 4 Out: Washington, Oregon, South Carolina, Minnesota
As always: (Rank) (Record)(Last Week) AP Rank
(1) Alabama (3-0) (3) 3
2) Boise St (3-0) (8) 8
(3) Texas (3-0) (6) 2
(4) LSU (3-0) (7) 7
(5) Cincinnati (3-0) (17) 14
(6) Kansas (3-0) (10) 20
(7) Michigan (3-0) (11) 23
(8) UCLA (3-0) (13) NR
(9) Miami (2-0) (31) 9
(10) Penn St (3-0) (15) 5
(11) Cal (3-0) NR 6
(12) North Carolina (3-0) (18) 22
(13) Missouri (3-0) (12) NR
(14) Pitt (3-0) (19) NR
(15) Auburn (3-0) (21) NR
(16) Iowa (3-0) (22) NR
(17) Colorado St. (3-0) (23) NR
(18) William & Mary (3-0) (27) NR
(19) Villanova (3-0) (28) NR
(20) Richmond (3-0) NR NR
(21) Houston (2-0) (4) 17
(22) USC (2-1) (2) 12
(23) BYU (2-1) (1) 29
(24) Tulsa (2-1) (5) NR
(25) Florida (3-0) (32) 1
(26) South Florida (3-0) (24) NR
(27) Wisconsin (3-0) (25) NR
(28) TCU (2-0) NR 15
(29) Kentucky (2-0) NR NR
(30) Virginia Tech (2-1) NR 11
(31) Ohio St (2-1) NR 13
(32) Georgia (2-1) NR 21
Dropped Out: (14) Minnesota, (9) Utah, (16) Nebraska, (20) Oregon St., (26) Hawaii, (29) SMU, (30) New Hampshire,
Most Overrated (AP Rank): Ole Miss (4), Oklahoma (10), Oklahoma St. (16), Florida St. (18), Washington (24)
Most Underrated (AP Rank): UCLA (NR), Missouri(NR), Auburn(NR), Iowa(NR)
Last 4 Out: Washington, Oregon, South Carolina, Minnesota
Gisele Brady-Bundchen Will Shoot A B*tch
Not sure whether this is hysterical or not. I doubt very much that Tom had anything to do with it. Women getting hitched are not reasonable human beings. Also, is shooting for hire even illegal in Costa Rica? How much were they paid? $3.00/hr? $4? More?
The Bills have it out for us
According to a tweet from Jason La Canfora, "Bills to sign T Jamon Meredith from Packers practice squad. Both teams could use a tackle, actually."
So what does this mean exactly? Was Jamon Meredith the answer to our offensive line issues? No probably not, but since he was affiliated with our team and we have had issues at OT already, wasn't it worth keeping him around? As Aaron Nagler, writer at Cheesehead TV claims, "It was more important to Thompson to keep 3 fullbacks than to elevate an OT from the practice squad?...".
I'd have to agree with the guy on that point, which of course is now moot because I don't believe there's anything that can be done once the two sides agree to a deal, Meredith is now a Bill.
So what does this mean exactly? Was Jamon Meredith the answer to our offensive line issues? No probably not, but since he was affiliated with our team and we have had issues at OT already, wasn't it worth keeping him around? As Aaron Nagler, writer at Cheesehead TV claims, "It was more important to Thompson to keep 3 fullbacks than to elevate an OT from the practice squad?...".
I'd have to agree with the guy on that point, which of course is now moot because I don't believe there's anything that can be done once the two sides agree to a deal, Meredith is now a Bill.
The Sounds of Silence
Non-Packer/suicide post coming straight at you!
I was informed the other day while watching SportsCenter that they are still playing something called baseball. I wouldn't have even known, but they interrupted my "news" of He Who Shall Not Be Named bruising a vulva this week but that "he will play next week" (no shit.)
What is strange to me is that 40% of the "bloggers" on this website are "Twins fans", yet I have heard not a peep regarding the fact that they are in the midst of the only real pennant race (2 1/2 back, 13 left to play including 4 vs. Detroit) in the league. I was completely unaware of the fact until I saw the graphic and spit my Cookie Crisp Sprinkle Cookies all over the couch this morning. How the fuck are the Twins in a pennant race? They have like 2 players I have ever heard of. That division is terrible, and you can't convince me otherwise.
Last year, when the Crew was in the only real pennant race of my lifetime, I was having trouble sleeping because the shit was so tense. And we can't even get ONE post? I can only assume that 40% of the bloggers are either dead, homosexual or both.
Fucking people from Minnesota.
IN OTHER NEWS
I made the two week marathon title game in my fantasy baseball league with the old guys. And the old guys are NOT happy. I got about 20 posts about how "lucky" I am, and how everyone is rooting against me because I'm an asshole. My response was a post about how of course I'm fucking lucky, because it is literally 98% luck since I am unable to call Prince Fielder to tell him to a hit a homerun for my team. It just isn't all that difficult to keep a game close and hope for the best. It really pissed them off when I told them that I was the Phil Jackson of fantasy baseball and I just put my best guys out there and hope for the best. Especially since these guys have all lost their children over this league. Seriously, this shit is the most intense league I've been a part of. They take it WAY too seriously. So I'll just have to win it.
OKTOBERFEST
My asshole is starting to tingle. Which means it is a mere 3 days from now. I have to stop off at the store to buy Richard some floaties for when that female serial killer throws him in the river at 3 am.
I was informed the other day while watching SportsCenter that they are still playing something called baseball. I wouldn't have even known, but they interrupted my "news" of He Who Shall Not Be Named bruising a vulva this week but that "he will play next week" (no shit.)
What is strange to me is that 40% of the "bloggers" on this website are "Twins fans", yet I have heard not a peep regarding the fact that they are in the midst of the only real pennant race (2 1/2 back, 13 left to play including 4 vs. Detroit) in the league. I was completely unaware of the fact until I saw the graphic and spit my Cookie Crisp Sprinkle Cookies all over the couch this morning. How the fuck are the Twins in a pennant race? They have like 2 players I have ever heard of. That division is terrible, and you can't convince me otherwise.
Last year, when the Crew was in the only real pennant race of my lifetime, I was having trouble sleeping because the shit was so tense. And we can't even get ONE post? I can only assume that 40% of the bloggers are either dead, homosexual or both.
Fucking people from Minnesota.
IN OTHER NEWS
I made the two week marathon title game in my fantasy baseball league with the old guys. And the old guys are NOT happy. I got about 20 posts about how "lucky" I am, and how everyone is rooting against me because I'm an asshole. My response was a post about how of course I'm fucking lucky, because it is literally 98% luck since I am unable to call Prince Fielder to tell him to a hit a homerun for my team. It just isn't all that difficult to keep a game close and hope for the best. It really pissed them off when I told them that I was the Phil Jackson of fantasy baseball and I just put my best guys out there and hope for the best. Especially since these guys have all lost their children over this league. Seriously, this shit is the most intense league I've been a part of. They take it WAY too seriously. So I'll just have to win it.
OKTOBERFEST
My asshole is starting to tingle. Which means it is a mere 3 days from now. I have to stop off at the store to buy Richard some floaties for when that female serial killer throws him in the river at 3 am.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Prognosis Negative
* On Collins: Has clavicle sprain. Will see how he is on Wednesday. Too early to give prognosis.
Can anyone explain to me what the above sentence means? I'm far from being a medical doctor, but I was under the assumption that the clavicle was a bone. Better known as the collar bone? How the fuck do you sprain a bone?
I'm still unhappy. And I'm still overreacting. And I completely forgot to trash Jarrett Bush. TWO false starts on punts? Really? Seems to me that the extra .2 seconds as a gunner on a punt isn't going to make that big of a difference. Fuck is that frustrating.
Can anyone explain to me what the above sentence means? I'm far from being a medical doctor, but I was under the assumption that the clavicle was a bone. Better known as the collar bone? How the fuck do you sprain a bone?
I'm still unhappy. And I'm still overreacting. And I completely forgot to trash Jarrett Bush. TWO false starts on punts? Really? Seems to me that the extra .2 seconds as a gunner on a punt isn't going to make that big of a difference. Fuck is that frustrating.
Not Good At All
There is nothing more likely to ruin a perfectly good week heading up to Oktoberfest, and nothing more likely to lead to a completely unproductive week at work, and a little extra blackout, than the Packers shitting down their leg on the Sunday before to an inferior team (probably).
I realize that last sentence was really like 4 sentences, but fuck you, and fuck everyone on the Packers "defense" except for Charles Woodson. And Woodson probably blatanly gave up an easy touchdown, but also had 2 picks, one for a TD, and like 43 tackles. I'm pretty sure that if tackles were an official NFL stat, he would have set some kind of record. And it isn't a good sign when a smallish corner easily leads your team in tackles. Also, it isn't a good sign when many of those were around the line of scrimmage, meaning that he so easily read run that the plays weren't even masked, and yet nobody else could get near the ball. Our front seven got DOMINATED by the Bengals.
Also dominated? Our offensive line. One guy had FIVE sacks? Also, A-Rodg had somewhere between .1 seconds and 1 second to throw every single pass. And yet nobody was open. And when the receivers were open, and Rodgers managed to find them, they dropped it (at least 5 drops). And I'm not letting A-Rodg off the hook either. Fucking throw the ball away. He takes so many sacks, it is frustrating. One bit of credit, at least he doesn't do what our old QB did and throw it into coverage instead of taking a sack.
Also, Ryan Grant is still below average.
And Mason Crosby is well below average at this point. Can we bring in a free agent for a look? I've got NO confidence in him at this point. And I bet he doesn't have much either. I'm not saying you need to make every 50 plus yarder to take. But 50% would be nice. And at least tease me with a possible make instead of being so far wide that it hits McCarthy in the face, who was somehow standing behind him. That was just a poor effort.
So yeah. Not good. Not sure what to even think about it. Maybe Cincinnati is good? I mean, they should be 2-0 right now. Of course, the Packers should be 0-2. On the bright side, we are playing possibly the worst team in the league next week in St. Louis. But I don't know how we could be favored right now to be honest. Don't we need to win a home game against a team that on paper we should have destroyed? Because if we don't win most of these early games, our schedule doesn't get any easier, and we are going to have a helluva time getting to 9 or 10 wins.
Also, Nick Barnett can suck my cock. Of course you got booed for doing your samuri dance after making a routine tackle (your first of the fucking game by the way), after you had already let the Bengals drive like 60 yards for the game winning FG. Fucking make the tackle and go back to the huddle. For all the shit Packer fans take, they are pretty fucking forgiving, but if you fuck up enough, they are going to let you know it. (And they aren't as white trash as Cowboy fan who screamed through the entire National Anthem last night. Fucking idiots).
At least we are now about 101 hours from Oktoberfest.
I realize that last sentence was really like 4 sentences, but fuck you, and fuck everyone on the Packers "defense" except for Charles Woodson. And Woodson probably blatanly gave up an easy touchdown, but also had 2 picks, one for a TD, and like 43 tackles. I'm pretty sure that if tackles were an official NFL stat, he would have set some kind of record. And it isn't a good sign when a smallish corner easily leads your team in tackles. Also, it isn't a good sign when many of those were around the line of scrimmage, meaning that he so easily read run that the plays weren't even masked, and yet nobody else could get near the ball. Our front seven got DOMINATED by the Bengals.
Also dominated? Our offensive line. One guy had FIVE sacks? Also, A-Rodg had somewhere between .1 seconds and 1 second to throw every single pass. And yet nobody was open. And when the receivers were open, and Rodgers managed to find them, they dropped it (at least 5 drops). And I'm not letting A-Rodg off the hook either. Fucking throw the ball away. He takes so many sacks, it is frustrating. One bit of credit, at least he doesn't do what our old QB did and throw it into coverage instead of taking a sack.
Also, Ryan Grant is still below average.
And Mason Crosby is well below average at this point. Can we bring in a free agent for a look? I've got NO confidence in him at this point. And I bet he doesn't have much either. I'm not saying you need to make every 50 plus yarder to take. But 50% would be nice. And at least tease me with a possible make instead of being so far wide that it hits McCarthy in the face, who was somehow standing behind him. That was just a poor effort.
So yeah. Not good. Not sure what to even think about it. Maybe Cincinnati is good? I mean, they should be 2-0 right now. Of course, the Packers should be 0-2. On the bright side, we are playing possibly the worst team in the league next week in St. Louis. But I don't know how we could be favored right now to be honest. Don't we need to win a home game against a team that on paper we should have destroyed? Because if we don't win most of these early games, our schedule doesn't get any easier, and we are going to have a helluva time getting to 9 or 10 wins.
Also, Nick Barnett can suck my cock. Of course you got booed for doing your samuri dance after making a routine tackle (your first of the fucking game by the way), after you had already let the Bengals drive like 60 yards for the game winning FG. Fucking make the tackle and go back to the huddle. For all the shit Packer fans take, they are pretty fucking forgiving, but if you fuck up enough, they are going to let you know it. (And they aren't as white trash as Cowboy fan who screamed through the entire National Anthem last night. Fucking idiots).
At least we are now about 101 hours from Oktoberfest.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Liiiiiive Blog!
So I'm hung over as shit and just went to get some greasy food to attempt to cure that, long story short, I missed the first 5 minutes of the game. It appears to be the Cedric Benson show up until this point. And now LVC just snagged an easy TD over the middle, Woodson looked like he didn't even know the ball was snapped...
Nice wide hole for Grant to just blow through, I could have gotten that first down. This is what we need to do, I don't have very high expectations for the Bengals run D.
Spencer Havner? I'll bet the Bengals secondary just assumed he wasn't an actual player and that's why he was so wide open. Nice rollout by Rodgers, nice throw, nice catch by James Jones and on top of it all we get a roughing the passer call, great play. Now give the rock to Grant!
Not a terrible penalty, back us up a bit, get an extra down, just gonna have to pass now, whoops I guess the Bengals figured that out and they just declined that penalty. Driver! Did he stay in? Refs say yes, will the Bengals challenge this? He was definitely in, no worries, XP is good, 7-7.
Now we just gotta get our backbones to stiffen up and stop the machine that is Cedric Benson
Chuck makes up for his blown cover on LVC! Picked off! Returned down to the 11! WOOOOOOOOOOOO! We can stop them!
You coulda driven a truck through that hole it was so wide, har har. Grant makes a catch and gets the rushing TD after that, 14-7 Pack!
Queens are still down 3-0 to Lions, god they both suck.
Man, we had that play sniffed out so badly and we just over pursued and got knocked on our asses, Benson goes for 10+ yards...
You know, their whole team looked like they were twitching and moving and the refs finally threw the flag at Chad Ocho, good call. Now a holding call, hopefully we can stop Benson from gaining 25 yards in 3 downs, I doubt it though.
Clay Matthews hair now has one pass deflection for the game. Great hit by Nick Collins to knock the receiver out of bounds! Wow, big time play. Then Chuck takes the fullback on head to head, someone had to tackle him.
Damn, looked like Grant should have gained way more than 8 yards there, the whole right side was basically empty field. Fucking A, Grant looked really weak on that 3rd and 2.
Where was our fucking kick coverage there? 4 fucking guys bunched up on top of each other in the middle of the field? You get paid at the minimum, hundreds of thousands of dollars to be out there, wake the fuck up and start acting like football players.
Capers better wake these kids up at half time. We are missing tackles left and right, not pursuing well, and I don't even think we were ready for Palmer. Pickett was in the back field on that last run before the TD by Benson and he just flopped forward and did nothing. CHALLENGE THAT. Nice MM gets the red flag out there before the XP is kicked, looked like Palmer fumbled that ball straight down, bad camera angle though, he may have been across the goal line already.
I think that's a bullshit replay by the refs, I don't think Palmer was in at all. They will take 5 fucking minutes to count 12 guys, but they reviewed that TD in like 2 minutes and probably looked at one angle, his helmet wasn't even over the line and the ball was below and behind his helmet and he lost the fucking thing out of his hands to boot!
Korey Hall can't let that guy come blindside on Rodgers, jesus christ that was scary.
Ok yea, halftime can't come quick enough for this team, we are just making a lot of mental mistakes right now.
Big sack by Jenkins, TAINT BY CHUCK, he's single handedly saving this team right now, 14 points produced by turnovers by Chuck. Brilliant!
Bengals get the ball back and oh wow, look at that another missed tackle by hmmmm, Ryan Pickett! Come on big man!
Now Johnny Jolly comes barreling in to LVC after he makes the catch, drives him PAST the first down marker, giving the Bengals a first down and hurts Nick Collins, great job there Jolly. We had the guy wrapped up and short of the first down but you just had to fucking flying into him.
Clay Matthews hair forces Palmer out of the pocket, he freaks out and falls down and we get a sack.
3rd and 34, they screen pass for a monster gain, Bengals fumble forward, they somehow recover and jesus christ it's a first down. THEN, flea flicker to Chad Ocho and I basically knew Al Harris was gonna commit that roughing the passer penalty as soon as he started blitzing. I mean FUCK, he JUMPED INTO THE AIR WITH BOTH OF HIS HANDS IN A SUCH A MANNER THAT COULD ONLY RESULT IN HIM HITTING THE QB IN THE FUCKING HELMET WHICH IS THE FUCKING DEFINITION OF THE PENALTY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST AL.
And Henry ropes in the TD pass deep in the end zone. I'm past angry words at this point, utterly abysmal series for the Packers D.
Finally something good happens to this team other than Charles Woodson, pass interference call to around the 40. Driver looked like he was talking shit to those corners when he hopped out of bounds after that catch.
Announcers just totally over reacted on that sack, "AND RODGERS IS THROWN TO THE GROUND". Or he was grabbed around the waist and was pretty gently brought to the turf.
Crosby's attempt at a 55 yard field goal reminds me of watching someone he wants to really really crush his next drive off the tee and then just snap slices it 3 fairways over.
Tramon Williams gets caught on an obvious contact downfield penalty, stupid play, stupid penalty. Also, Chuck is the only packer that can tackle Benson on first contact. Tramon then has a great play to break up a pass to Ochocinco and make up for his earlier penalty.
Collins is out in street clothes, Clifton is down, he's sitting up, but it's not looking good as he doesn't appear to want to stand up at all. Yea, Clifton got carted off, he's probably done for the day.
Great quick slant to Nelson and then a great catch and run by Driver after that. Big big play, got us up to about midfield. Grant continues to look mediocre as he coughs up the fucking football on a routine play...
Benson goes air born, loses the football, nobody and I mean nobody on the field realizes this, then suddenly everyone sees the ball at the same time and the ref then immediately whistles the ball dead saying Benson was down. Well I got a fucking DVR on my satellite Mr. Line Judge and Benson, who was less than 5 yards from you, was most definitely still in the air when he lost that football.
Hochuli just said the following: "False start, offense, the whole offensive line, 5 yard penalty". Woodson ONCE AGAIN makes a great play and tackle on Benson. Ochocinco makes a great catch for the touchdown, but he was wide open, just a shitty pass by Palmer. He then runs around the end zone looking for a spot to jump into the stands, finds the only 3 Bengals fans in the stadium with first row tickets and hops into the stands while a grizzly and obviously very drunk Packer fan next to them yells and flips the camera off the entire time. I love it! Still we're down 28-21 to the Bungles, shit needs to get cleaned up fast.
Well we went right back to Grant through the air, get him some confidence back, 13 yard gain. We're moving the football just fine, we just gotta fucking tackle Cedric Benson and shore up the middle of our pass coverage.
3rd and 3, Finley makes the catch about 2 yards from the marker, and proceeds to lay down perpendicular to the sideline, you gotta get that first down! That's inexcusable. Finley gets bailed out by a defensive holding penalty and that gives us an automatic first down. Drive stalls as Rodgers is sacked by some guy on the Bengals for the third time today. Bad fair catch called for and the Bengals will start inside their own 10.
Season premier preview for Two and a half men, TV guide says it's the best show on TV that you're not watching...
They are now showing a replay of Ochocinco's Lambeau leap with a behind angle on the camera so that it's not blatantly obvious the drunk guy is flipping off the camera the entire time. And we just barely stop a screen pass that would have converted another 3rd and long for the Bengals. Wow, I know what they'll be working on this week in practice.
Now announcers are babbling on about our inability to run the football. The only reason we can't run right now is because Ryan Grant looks as weak as a newborn kitten. Seriously he's being tackled by fingernails right now. Rodgers calls an audible, at least 2 lineman get out of their stance and look at him and then look around and get back in their stance. FYI, to me that's a giant warning sign. And that fucking Odom guy gets in there again and has 4 sacks. This is awful football right now, we cannot lose to this team and we are going to.
We might be in trouble now as the Bengals have finally figured out to run away from Charles Woodson. I may or may not have jinxed the poor man as he finally misses a tackle on Benson in the backfield. They are running all over us and about to kick the game winning FG, fucking ugly game.
We take a shot like 50 yards downfield on 2nd and 8? I guess? Then Odom gets his 5th sack and Cosby fucking returns the punt to the 30, Game Over.
2 minutes to go, 41 yarder for Graham, this will end it. FG is good and that pretty much wraps it up.
That photo was pretty much the only bright spot in this game today. We are basically 5 times worse of a football team than the Denver Broncos. Chew on that one for a while.
Smart move here, kicked the FG, lets see what happens here with the onside! False hope is rising quickly inside of me!
HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK TRAMON WILLIAMS RECOVERS IT! AHHHHHHHHHHH
Ed Hochuli is a fucking liar, that game was not fucking over when we snapped the football, he was right about the false start, but he's still a fucking liar. Whatever, game over I'm out.
Nice wide hole for Grant to just blow through, I could have gotten that first down. This is what we need to do, I don't have very high expectations for the Bengals run D.
Spencer Havner? I'll bet the Bengals secondary just assumed he wasn't an actual player and that's why he was so wide open. Nice rollout by Rodgers, nice throw, nice catch by James Jones and on top of it all we get a roughing the passer call, great play. Now give the rock to Grant!
Not a terrible penalty, back us up a bit, get an extra down, just gonna have to pass now, whoops I guess the Bengals figured that out and they just declined that penalty. Driver! Did he stay in? Refs say yes, will the Bengals challenge this? He was definitely in, no worries, XP is good, 7-7.
Now we just gotta get our backbones to stiffen up and stop the machine that is Cedric Benson
Chuck makes up for his blown cover on LVC! Picked off! Returned down to the 11! WOOOOOOOOOOOO! We can stop them!
You coulda driven a truck through that hole it was so wide, har har. Grant makes a catch and gets the rushing TD after that, 14-7 Pack!
Queens are still down 3-0 to Lions, god they both suck.
Man, we had that play sniffed out so badly and we just over pursued and got knocked on our asses, Benson goes for 10+ yards...
You know, their whole team looked like they were twitching and moving and the refs finally threw the flag at Chad Ocho, good call. Now a holding call, hopefully we can stop Benson from gaining 25 yards in 3 downs, I doubt it though.
Clay Matthews hair now has one pass deflection for the game. Great hit by Nick Collins to knock the receiver out of bounds! Wow, big time play. Then Chuck takes the fullback on head to head, someone had to tackle him.
Damn, looked like Grant should have gained way more than 8 yards there, the whole right side was basically empty field. Fucking A, Grant looked really weak on that 3rd and 2.
Where was our fucking kick coverage there? 4 fucking guys bunched up on top of each other in the middle of the field? You get paid at the minimum, hundreds of thousands of dollars to be out there, wake the fuck up and start acting like football players.
Capers better wake these kids up at half time. We are missing tackles left and right, not pursuing well, and I don't even think we were ready for Palmer. Pickett was in the back field on that last run before the TD by Benson and he just flopped forward and did nothing. CHALLENGE THAT. Nice MM gets the red flag out there before the XP is kicked, looked like Palmer fumbled that ball straight down, bad camera angle though, he may have been across the goal line already.
I think that's a bullshit replay by the refs, I don't think Palmer was in at all. They will take 5 fucking minutes to count 12 guys, but they reviewed that TD in like 2 minutes and probably looked at one angle, his helmet wasn't even over the line and the ball was below and behind his helmet and he lost the fucking thing out of his hands to boot!
Korey Hall can't let that guy come blindside on Rodgers, jesus christ that was scary.
Ok yea, halftime can't come quick enough for this team, we are just making a lot of mental mistakes right now.
Big sack by Jenkins, TAINT BY CHUCK, he's single handedly saving this team right now, 14 points produced by turnovers by Chuck. Brilliant!
Bengals get the ball back and oh wow, look at that another missed tackle by hmmmm, Ryan Pickett! Come on big man!
Now Johnny Jolly comes barreling in to LVC after he makes the catch, drives him PAST the first down marker, giving the Bengals a first down and hurts Nick Collins, great job there Jolly. We had the guy wrapped up and short of the first down but you just had to fucking flying into him.
Clay Matthews hair forces Palmer out of the pocket, he freaks out and falls down and we get a sack.
3rd and 34, they screen pass for a monster gain, Bengals fumble forward, they somehow recover and jesus christ it's a first down. THEN, flea flicker to Chad Ocho and I basically knew Al Harris was gonna commit that roughing the passer penalty as soon as he started blitzing. I mean FUCK, he JUMPED INTO THE AIR WITH BOTH OF HIS HANDS IN A SUCH A MANNER THAT COULD ONLY RESULT IN HIM HITTING THE QB IN THE FUCKING HELMET WHICH IS THE FUCKING DEFINITION OF THE PENALTY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST AL.
And Henry ropes in the TD pass deep in the end zone. I'm past angry words at this point, utterly abysmal series for the Packers D.
Finally something good happens to this team other than Charles Woodson, pass interference call to around the 40. Driver looked like he was talking shit to those corners when he hopped out of bounds after that catch.
Announcers just totally over reacted on that sack, "AND RODGERS IS THROWN TO THE GROUND". Or he was grabbed around the waist and was pretty gently brought to the turf.
Crosby's attempt at a 55 yard field goal reminds me of watching someone he wants to really really crush his next drive off the tee and then just snap slices it 3 fairways over.
Tramon Williams gets caught on an obvious contact downfield penalty, stupid play, stupid penalty. Also, Chuck is the only packer that can tackle Benson on first contact. Tramon then has a great play to break up a pass to Ochocinco and make up for his earlier penalty.
Collins is out in street clothes, Clifton is down, he's sitting up, but it's not looking good as he doesn't appear to want to stand up at all. Yea, Clifton got carted off, he's probably done for the day.
Great quick slant to Nelson and then a great catch and run by Driver after that. Big big play, got us up to about midfield. Grant continues to look mediocre as he coughs up the fucking football on a routine play...
Benson goes air born, loses the football, nobody and I mean nobody on the field realizes this, then suddenly everyone sees the ball at the same time and the ref then immediately whistles the ball dead saying Benson was down. Well I got a fucking DVR on my satellite Mr. Line Judge and Benson, who was less than 5 yards from you, was most definitely still in the air when he lost that football.
Hochuli just said the following: "False start, offense, the whole offensive line, 5 yard penalty". Woodson ONCE AGAIN makes a great play and tackle on Benson. Ochocinco makes a great catch for the touchdown, but he was wide open, just a shitty pass by Palmer. He then runs around the end zone looking for a spot to jump into the stands, finds the only 3 Bengals fans in the stadium with first row tickets and hops into the stands while a grizzly and obviously very drunk Packer fan next to them yells and flips the camera off the entire time. I love it! Still we're down 28-21 to the Bungles, shit needs to get cleaned up fast.
Well we went right back to Grant through the air, get him some confidence back, 13 yard gain. We're moving the football just fine, we just gotta fucking tackle Cedric Benson and shore up the middle of our pass coverage.
3rd and 3, Finley makes the catch about 2 yards from the marker, and proceeds to lay down perpendicular to the sideline, you gotta get that first down! That's inexcusable. Finley gets bailed out by a defensive holding penalty and that gives us an automatic first down. Drive stalls as Rodgers is sacked by some guy on the Bengals for the third time today. Bad fair catch called for and the Bengals will start inside their own 10.
Season premier preview for Two and a half men, TV guide says it's the best show on TV that you're not watching...
They are now showing a replay of Ochocinco's Lambeau leap with a behind angle on the camera so that it's not blatantly obvious the drunk guy is flipping off the camera the entire time. And we just barely stop a screen pass that would have converted another 3rd and long for the Bengals. Wow, I know what they'll be working on this week in practice.
Now announcers are babbling on about our inability to run the football. The only reason we can't run right now is because Ryan Grant looks as weak as a newborn kitten. Seriously he's being tackled by fingernails right now. Rodgers calls an audible, at least 2 lineman get out of their stance and look at him and then look around and get back in their stance. FYI, to me that's a giant warning sign. And that fucking Odom guy gets in there again and has 4 sacks. This is awful football right now, we cannot lose to this team and we are going to.
We might be in trouble now as the Bengals have finally figured out to run away from Charles Woodson. I may or may not have jinxed the poor man as he finally misses a tackle on Benson in the backfield. They are running all over us and about to kick the game winning FG, fucking ugly game.
We take a shot like 50 yards downfield on 2nd and 8? I guess? Then Odom gets his 5th sack and Cosby fucking returns the punt to the 30, Game Over.
2 minutes to go, 41 yarder for Graham, this will end it. FG is good and that pretty much wraps it up.
That photo was pretty much the only bright spot in this game today. We are basically 5 times worse of a football team than the Denver Broncos. Chew on that one for a while.
Smart move here, kicked the FG, lets see what happens here with the onside! False hope is rising quickly inside of me!
HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK TRAMON WILLIAMS RECOVERS IT! AHHHHHHHHHHH
Ed Hochuli is a fucking liar, that game was not fucking over when we snapped the football, he was right about the false start, but he's still a fucking liar. Whatever, game over I'm out.
I Very Nearly Went to the Game Today...
Then we had a landscaping mishap, and now I can't afford it. Also, from the time I was going to buy yesterday afternoon to last night, ticket prices went up like $25, so I probably wasn't going anyway.
In other news, I was at Piggly Wiggly last night (because I'm old, and old people buy groceries on Saturday night), and this month's issue of Cosmo, with Megan Fox on the cover, was fucking censored. Someone took a fucking piece of wood and placed it in front of every issue on the shelf.
Did I move to fucking Salt Lake City?!?!?!? Is this Russia?!?!?!? Is it 1952!?!?!!? What the fuck? It isn't even that good of a cover. I mean, there isn't anything wrong with it, but it is like every. other. issue. of. Cosmo. EVER. Seriously, I might not be able to go there ever again. Quit pushing your fucking morals on me. Now if you excuse me, I have to go beat myself with a chain because I looked at this month's issue of Cosmo.
In other news, I was at Piggly Wiggly last night (because I'm old, and old people buy groceries on Saturday night), and this month's issue of Cosmo, with Megan Fox on the cover, was fucking censored. Someone took a fucking piece of wood and placed it in front of every issue on the shelf.
Did I move to fucking Salt Lake City?!?!?!? Is this Russia?!?!?!? Is it 1952!?!?!!? What the fuck? It isn't even that good of a cover. I mean, there isn't anything wrong with it, but it is like every. other. issue. of. Cosmo. EVER. Seriously, I might not be able to go there ever again. Quit pushing your fucking morals on me. Now if you excuse me, I have to go beat myself with a chain because I looked at this month's issue of Cosmo.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
OJSFA Week 2 Preview
Game of the Week:
Heywood Jablome (1-0) v. RIP Billie Jean (1-0)
Two bloggers on this here site (sort of). Will Ochentacinco get murdered in GB? Will the Madden Curse hit Fitty this week?
Line: Billie Jean by 11
Series: Billie Jean leads 5-2
Others:
The White Broncos (0-1) v. Schmock's Team (1-0)
I've got nothing except that Schmock had A-Peter AND LDT AND A-Rodg last year too, and didn't make the playoffs. Look for a big game for whichever guys I decide to leave on the bench.
Line: White Broncos by 2
History: Schmock leads 4-1
Marino for Prez (0-1) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-0)
Someone should tell Duper that game management isn't really that good of a thing in fantasy football, and therefore Eli Manning shouldn't be started on anyone's team. To be fair, he has McNabb, although you can't convince me Duper wouldn't start Manning anyway.
Line: Grapefruit by 8.5
History: Tied 1-1
Faribault Frauleins (0-1) v. Jolly Pharmacuticals (0-1)
Two other alleged bloggers on this site. Loaf Cobra (Frauleins) hasn't posted anything since 1998. I got nothing.
Line: Frauleins by 6.5
History: Jolly leads 2-0
Shit Game of the Week:
No Talent Ass Clowns (1-0) v. Clown Baby (0-1)
Two teams named after clowns. Statistically the best and worst teams in the league at this point. No Talent supposedly includes Drew Brees and Randy Moss.
Line: Ass Clowns by 5
Series: Ass Clowns lead 1-0
Heywood Jablome (1-0) v. RIP Billie Jean (1-0)
Two bloggers on this here site (sort of). Will Ochentacinco get murdered in GB? Will the Madden Curse hit Fitty this week?
Line: Billie Jean by 11
Series: Billie Jean leads 5-2
Others:
The White Broncos (0-1) v. Schmock's Team (1-0)
I've got nothing except that Schmock had A-Peter AND LDT AND A-Rodg last year too, and didn't make the playoffs. Look for a big game for whichever guys I decide to leave on the bench.
Line: White Broncos by 2
History: Schmock leads 4-1
Marino for Prez (0-1) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-0)
Someone should tell Duper that game management isn't really that good of a thing in fantasy football, and therefore Eli Manning shouldn't be started on anyone's team. To be fair, he has McNabb, although you can't convince me Duper wouldn't start Manning anyway.
Line: Grapefruit by 8.5
History: Tied 1-1
Faribault Frauleins (0-1) v. Jolly Pharmacuticals (0-1)
Two other alleged bloggers on this site. Loaf Cobra (Frauleins) hasn't posted anything since 1998. I got nothing.
Line: Frauleins by 6.5
History: Jolly leads 2-0
Shit Game of the Week:
No Talent Ass Clowns (1-0) v. Clown Baby (0-1)
Two teams named after clowns. Statistically the best and worst teams in the league at this point. No Talent supposedly includes Drew Brees and Randy Moss.
Line: Ass Clowns by 5
Series: Ass Clowns lead 1-0
Ex-Packers v. The Law: Round 2
AND the law wins again in an upset. I guess Whisper Goodman didn't have the same shiftiness he had back in '00 and '01. Neither did his girlfriend I guess. The message, as always, don't fuck with the O.P.D. But seriously, I feel bad for Whisper because he had such a sweet nickname.
I predict that the next Ex-Packer to be arrested will be (by position):
RB: LeShon Johnson
FB: Buford McGee
WR: Kitrick Taylor
WR: Aubrey Matthews
TE: Clint Didier
G: Doug Widell
G: Bill Ferrario
T: Tootie Robbins
T: Barry Stokes
C: Blair Bush
QB: T.J. Rubley
DE: Cletidus Hunt
DE: Alphonso Carreker
DT: Don Davey
LB: Jude Waddy
LB: Mike Hunt (not making this up)
LB: Ron Cox
LB: Keo Coleman
CB: Ahmad Carroll
CB: Roderick Mullen
FS: Tiger Greene
SS: Scott McGarahan
P: Paul McJulien
K: Max Zendejas
KR: Roell Preston
I predict that the next Ex-Packer to be arrested will be (by position):
RB: LeShon Johnson
FB: Buford McGee
WR: Kitrick Taylor
WR: Aubrey Matthews
TE: Clint Didier
G: Doug Widell
G: Bill Ferrario
T: Tootie Robbins
T: Barry Stokes
C: Blair Bush
QB: T.J. Rubley
DE: Cletidus Hunt
DE: Alphonso Carreker
DT: Don Davey
LB: Jude Waddy
LB: Mike Hunt (not making this up)
LB: Ron Cox
LB: Keo Coleman
CB: Ahmad Carroll
CB: Roderick Mullen
FS: Tiger Greene
SS: Scott McGarahan
P: Paul McJulien
K: Max Zendejas
KR: Roell Preston
Not really surprising at all...
So glancing over at JSOnline's blogs I came across a post that had a quick blurb and a link to a story about how Favre's Viking Jersey is the number one seller for NFL jerseys in WI this year. Now there is a number of people that go to school in Wisconsin from Minnesota, UW-River Falls, UW-Stout, UW-Eau Claire, UW-La Crosse are all within about an hour from the MN border. Inevitably Minnesota people end up living in the western part of Wisconsin, and the ultimate travesty, some people in western WI are just Vikings fans because of their close proximity to the Twin Cities and their home games.
There's no real point or anger to this post, I just thought it was kind of an interesting little graphic. Apparently people in Arkansas and Florida love Favre! Goofy stuff. Also, some Samoan LB is the top jersey seller in the Pacific NW? Cutler is the tops in Michigan? Go Lions! Vick is number one in NY and NJ but Favre takes the top honor in PA?
There's no real point or anger to this post, I just thought it was kind of an interesting little graphic. Apparently people in Arkansas and Florida love Favre! Goofy stuff. Also, some Samoan LB is the top jersey seller in the Pacific NW? Cutler is the tops in Michigan? Go Lions! Vick is number one in NY and NJ but Favre takes the top honor in PA?
Oh No He Diin't!
Twitter is sort of stupid. Unless it involves Nick Barnett, his afro and Chad Ochentacinco getting into it. Then it is kind of fun. PS. Nick Barnett would KILL Ochentacinco.
Picks and Preview
Ten (-6.5), NO (Pk), NE (-3.5), GB (-9), Oak (+3), Jax (-3), Min (-10), Atl (-6), Was (-9.5), Buf (-5), Sea (+1.5), SD (-3), Den (-3), Pit (-3), NYG (+2.5), Ind (-3)
Last Week: 6-10
Season: 6-10
All-Time: 140-136-7
PACKERS V. BENGALS BREAKDOWN
Packers Running O v. Bengals Running D
Edge: Bengals. Ryan Grant = Yawn
Packers Passing O v. Bengals Passing D
Edge: Packers. A-Rodg is going to go mental assuming he isn't killed by whomever lines up across from Barbre.
Packers Running D v. Bengals Running O
Edge: Push
Packers Passing D v. Bengals Passing O
Edge: Bengals. Ocho and Chris Henry are pretty good. Pack was a little shaky when Cutler had any time at all, or when the weren't intercepting.
Special Teams
Edge: Bengals. I wouldn't be angry if we were looking to dump Crosby. No confidence at all.
Coaching
Edge: Packers. Marvin Lewis is not a good coach.
Weather
Edge: Push
Intangibles
Edge: Push. Packers crowd won't be that crazy because a) it is a Milwaukee game, b) we are playing the Bengals. Also, I think Ocho is already in their heads. Unless he does a leap and is murdered. Then I'm giving a slight edge to the Packers.
Prediction: Packers 34, Bengals 20
BADGERS
Playing something called Wofford. Badgers 41, Wofford 17
Coming Tomorrow (probably): OJSFA Week 2 Preview
Last Week: 6-10
Season: 6-10
All-Time: 140-136-7
PACKERS V. BENGALS BREAKDOWN
Packers Running O v. Bengals Running D
Edge: Bengals. Ryan Grant = Yawn
Packers Passing O v. Bengals Passing D
Edge: Packers. A-Rodg is going to go mental assuming he isn't killed by whomever lines up across from Barbre.
Packers Running D v. Bengals Running O
Edge: Push
Packers Passing D v. Bengals Passing O
Edge: Bengals. Ocho and Chris Henry are pretty good. Pack was a little shaky when Cutler had any time at all, or when the weren't intercepting.
Special Teams
Edge: Bengals. I wouldn't be angry if we were looking to dump Crosby. No confidence at all.
Coaching
Edge: Packers. Marvin Lewis is not a good coach.
Weather
Edge: Push
Intangibles
Edge: Push. Packers crowd won't be that crazy because a) it is a Milwaukee game, b) we are playing the Bengals. Also, I think Ocho is already in their heads. Unless he does a leap and is murdered. Then I'm giving a slight edge to the Packers.
Prediction: Packers 34, Bengals 20
BADGERS
Playing something called Wofford. Badgers 41, Wofford 17
Coming Tomorrow (probably): OJSFA Week 2 Preview
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Fire Joe Morgan
This is one of the more clever things I've ever read on the Internets. I laughed out loud more than once, and it was so good I read it twice. It involves three of my most favorite things: Jesus, Derek Jeter and Joe Mauer. I may be a little sarcastic on all three. But I'm not making up the fact that the article is great.
That Guy
There are alot of people who can be referred to as "That Guy". They are people, when described, everyone has run into, and universally dislikes. Today, I'm going to discuss "That Guy" that is sitting like two rows in front of you at a Packer game and feels the need to turn around and scream in your general direction to cheer louder, or stand up, about every 30 seconds for 3 hours.
Sunday night that guy was a few rows in front of me. We were sitting about 8 rows from the top at Lambeau, so he would turn his back to the field, and the 90 rows of seats in front of him, to yell at the ten rows behind him to cheer louder, or to stand up. This annoys the shit out of me. First of all, you are screaming at me. Stop.
Second, I fucking know when to go out of my way to scream and jump up and down and whatever. So shut the fuck up.
Third, you don't. Because it is halftime and a dude is trying to throw a football through the back window of a truck. Why don't you have another beer so you can beat your ugly ass wife when you get home and realize you have to pour concrete hung over tomorrow morning for $8/hour in 90 degree weather you piece of shit.
And believe me, you have to be pretty fucking obnoxious for me to be upset at you for being drunk. This dude had that reddish tint to his face, and crazy look in his eye, like he had about 13 too many Natty Ices in the parking lot.
Also, his wife almost got in a fist fight because she would NOT sit down. Which is another "That Guy". I vacillate between being bothered when people yell at people to sit down at a sporting event, and the people who never sit down. I generally agree you are allowed to stand up at any semi exciting moment, and if you can't also stand up, then you shouldn't be there. However, if EVERYONE in front of you is sitting down, there isn't a reason to block everyone's view behind you because you feel you need to scream at Aaron Rodgers from the 90th row on 1st down. You can easily jump up for a big play or whatever.
OK back to the drunk husband. Mind your own fucking business dude. And stop screaming at everyone to yell when the Packers have the ball on third down. That is one time to shut the fuck up so that our fucking team can hear the snap count. And I always feel like that dude is staring directly at me the whole game. Turn around and watch the fucking game you asshole. And stop spending every free moment trying to make friends with the chick in my row who tried to fight your stupid ass wife because she wouldn't sit down. You'll never see this person again. Why do you care so much if she hates you? I fucking hate you, but I'm too nice to start calling you a fucktard and telling you to stop fucking screaming at me. Fuck. I got alot more upset than I meant to.
Sunday night that guy was a few rows in front of me. We were sitting about 8 rows from the top at Lambeau, so he would turn his back to the field, and the 90 rows of seats in front of him, to yell at the ten rows behind him to cheer louder, or to stand up. This annoys the shit out of me. First of all, you are screaming at me. Stop.
Second, I fucking know when to go out of my way to scream and jump up and down and whatever. So shut the fuck up.
Third, you don't. Because it is halftime and a dude is trying to throw a football through the back window of a truck. Why don't you have another beer so you can beat your ugly ass wife when you get home and realize you have to pour concrete hung over tomorrow morning for $8/hour in 90 degree weather you piece of shit.
And believe me, you have to be pretty fucking obnoxious for me to be upset at you for being drunk. This dude had that reddish tint to his face, and crazy look in his eye, like he had about 13 too many Natty Ices in the parking lot.
Also, his wife almost got in a fist fight because she would NOT sit down. Which is another "That Guy". I vacillate between being bothered when people yell at people to sit down at a sporting event, and the people who never sit down. I generally agree you are allowed to stand up at any semi exciting moment, and if you can't also stand up, then you shouldn't be there. However, if EVERYONE in front of you is sitting down, there isn't a reason to block everyone's view behind you because you feel you need to scream at Aaron Rodgers from the 90th row on 1st down. You can easily jump up for a big play or whatever.
OK back to the drunk husband. Mind your own fucking business dude. And stop screaming at everyone to yell when the Packers have the ball on third down. That is one time to shut the fuck up so that our fucking team can hear the snap count. And I always feel like that dude is staring directly at me the whole game. Turn around and watch the fucking game you asshole. And stop spending every free moment trying to make friends with the chick in my row who tried to fight your stupid ass wife because she wouldn't sit down. You'll never see this person again. Why do you care so much if she hates you? I fucking hate you, but I'm too nice to start calling you a fucktard and telling you to stop fucking screaming at me. Fuck. I got alot more upset than I meant to.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
View From the Bottle
Sunday night's game was the first game I've seen from beginning to end on TV in a long time. For the past couple years I've been listening to most of them on the radio or watching the first 80% and then having to go to work.
Anyways, as I watched I couldn't help but think this was the same Packer team as last year. Rodgers missed a couple wide open guys downfield, overthrowing one by five yards and underthrowing another by five yards. The wide receivers dropped some passes. Nick Collins has taken the label of the next incredibly overrated safety in the Packers' defensive backfield (see Darren Sharper).
Allen Barbre. OK. My thoughts on this are a little different than others. Yes, Ogunleye made him his bitch. But that happens. I'm not even gonna ask how he won the starting spot. What I am gonna ask is how did the coaching staff not adjust. They left Barbre one on one with Ogunleye all game. Why not start the tight end off of Barbre's right shoulder and just give Ogunleye a bump? The constant pressure from the right side was having an obvious effect on Rodgers.
I think it's great to have the two stupidest coaches in the NFL in our division. I would have to say that fake punt was the worst play call I've ever seen and I don't care if it was Lovie's call or not. Then his challenge was almost worse. I can't remember who was running off the field but he was sitting in the stands with Ricky and Juice rubbing his nuts by the time the ball was snapped (don't pretend like you don't remember).
Who didn't have flashbacks to last year when the Pack had the ball with 2 minutes left? I had no confidence at all. But when Rodgers threw that one deep I had my cock through the TV screen before Jennings caught it. What a fantastic play call. I was bitching all the game that the Pack NEEDED to start using the play action more. The play calling was so basic all game - hand off or simply drop back pass. Maybe our chubby little coach is a closet genius?
The D looked very good. Jolly's interception was phenomenal. I hate Nick Collins. Woodson got used hardcore by Knox. I agree with Juice's brother, that was a fluke, right? Woodson's not getting old yet, is he? But I'm not getting all hot and horny about the defense yet. I think the Bears offense sucks big floppy donkey dick. I've thought Cutler was way overrated and I'm feeling pretty confident with that thought. I don't know who I hate more when I simply look at their face - Jay Cutler or Eli Manning. They both look like spoiled little brats (rhymes with 'cats').
Random jibberish -
Good start in the OJSFA. I took down the White Broncos with relative ease. I was a little worried when TO didn't do shit in the first Monday night game. And I was getting worried as the Chargers were driving in the fourth quarter. That is, until Rivers hooked up with my boy Vincent Jackson with an ugly throw that turned out great.
I would be sick if I were a Bills or Raiders fan. How the fuck did the Bills lose? That guy would not be returning kicks for me ever again.
I picked 14 of the 16 games right in Week 1 but I didn't win my league. Horseshit.
Vegas update - Ricky still hasn't committed. Totally weak dude. And there was a whisper of BMac joining the trip. I never believed it for a second. He always has some complete bullshit excuse. Why even pretend like there's a chance? Besides, you don't actually exist.
Anyways, as I watched I couldn't help but think this was the same Packer team as last year. Rodgers missed a couple wide open guys downfield, overthrowing one by five yards and underthrowing another by five yards. The wide receivers dropped some passes. Nick Collins has taken the label of the next incredibly overrated safety in the Packers' defensive backfield (see Darren Sharper).
Allen Barbre. OK. My thoughts on this are a little different than others. Yes, Ogunleye made him his bitch. But that happens. I'm not even gonna ask how he won the starting spot. What I am gonna ask is how did the coaching staff not adjust. They left Barbre one on one with Ogunleye all game. Why not start the tight end off of Barbre's right shoulder and just give Ogunleye a bump? The constant pressure from the right side was having an obvious effect on Rodgers.
I think it's great to have the two stupidest coaches in the NFL in our division. I would have to say that fake punt was the worst play call I've ever seen and I don't care if it was Lovie's call or not. Then his challenge was almost worse. I can't remember who was running off the field but he was sitting in the stands with Ricky and Juice rubbing his nuts by the time the ball was snapped (don't pretend like you don't remember).
Who didn't have flashbacks to last year when the Pack had the ball with 2 minutes left? I had no confidence at all. But when Rodgers threw that one deep I had my cock through the TV screen before Jennings caught it. What a fantastic play call. I was bitching all the game that the Pack NEEDED to start using the play action more. The play calling was so basic all game - hand off or simply drop back pass. Maybe our chubby little coach is a closet genius?
The D looked very good. Jolly's interception was phenomenal. I hate Nick Collins. Woodson got used hardcore by Knox. I agree with Juice's brother, that was a fluke, right? Woodson's not getting old yet, is he? But I'm not getting all hot and horny about the defense yet. I think the Bears offense sucks big floppy donkey dick. I've thought Cutler was way overrated and I'm feeling pretty confident with that thought. I don't know who I hate more when I simply look at their face - Jay Cutler or Eli Manning. They both look like spoiled little brats (rhymes with 'cats').
Random jibberish -
Good start in the OJSFA. I took down the White Broncos with relative ease. I was a little worried when TO didn't do shit in the first Monday night game. And I was getting worried as the Chargers were driving in the fourth quarter. That is, until Rivers hooked up with my boy Vincent Jackson with an ugly throw that turned out great.
I would be sick if I were a Bills or Raiders fan. How the fuck did the Bills lose? That guy would not be returning kicks for me ever again.
I picked 14 of the 16 games right in Week 1 but I didn't win my league. Horseshit.
Vegas update - Ricky still hasn't committed. Totally weak dude. And there was a whisper of BMac joining the trip. I never believed it for a second. He always has some complete bullshit excuse. Why even pretend like there's a chance? Besides, you don't actually exist.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Triple Cripple Point-Counterpoint
This post is partially a recap of the weekend that was, to fill in some of the blanks, and to retort the Unknown QB Diary's game review.
I am enjoying a day of rest today. I took the day off of work fully expecting to be non-functioning after the game last night. I am tired as shit, but not hungover and could have worked. But fuck work.
Saturday night was interesting. We got a membership to the "Touchdown Club" at a local bar chain. For $20 you get a hoodie, a bunch of coupons and this card. The card gets you double bubble all the time, and on Tuesday and Saturday it gets you "Triple Cripple". Which is probably the greatest name for anything ever. Triple Cripple gets you 2 for 1, and a third drink for $1. This deal includes everything except pitchers. It really isn't even feasible for a bar to stay in business. I mean, we got 3 Jagerbombs for like $7. For most of the night there happened to be three of us: myself, Richard and my wife. When we arrived, we asked the waitress if cabs will come out to this place. The bar is probably the closest one I've found to my house, and I didn't know it was there until this weekend. But it is kind of a long way from civilization. The waitresses response: "What are you planning to get sloshed?" Um. Yes? I mean, you fucking give away drinks for like nothing. Do people typically NOT get "sloshed" or was I to understand that people just drive home "sloshed" under the old adage: "If you can see a silo from the parking lot, you are required to drive home no matter how drunk you are." Anyway, the deal was obscene. We got super drunk. Richard sang "My Ding-a-Ling". I allegedly blew a .297 of the fake breathalyzer machine (which was high). As the night came to a close, we had a decision to make: Do we pay for a cab? or do we walk the short 3.8 miles back to my house. I would've walked. It is severely down hill the whole way, so I think we could've done it. I RAN 4 miles earlier that day. But we get a cab figuring it will be like 5 or 10 bucks. The dickface charged us TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS. Which is the same amount it costs to get from Lambeau, which is like three times as far. Asshole. Also, the entire bill, including food, for three adults to get full of food and drunk as shit, plus Mark who had like 3 beers, was $60.
Sunday I woke up feeling like absolute shit. We had intended to go to Buffalo Wild Wings at noon, but didn't make it till 2. Ate and had two beers there (not going well). Watched and cheered for the Browns, as did everyone at BWW. Loud boo in Lambeau when He Who Shall Not Be Named was mentioned in the highlights. Actual quote on ESPN Radio "Forget turning 40 later in the season. He looked like He was 60. He was a statue back there. The Vikings can not be real excited." Agreed. They paid $12 million to throw ONE pass over 5 yards. Traveaeuous couldn't have thrown for 110 yards and got sacked like 5 times? I was unimpressed. Also, the Browns might go 0-16. They are fucking terrible.
Went to a tailgate, ate far too much, got far too full, which inhibited my ability to put beer into my stomach until the end of the 1st quarter. Ended up deciding to just go home and drink after the game instead of going out. And it was the longest game ever played.
Game Thoughts:
-Obviously, one of the best games I've ever been to.
-Fantastic ending.
-The taste of fib tears was delicious.
-There were a TON of fibs there. Far more than I can ever remember. Didn't overwhelm Packer fans, but there were enough to make noise.
-There was a near fistfight in the stands after the game due to a Packer fan politely (not really) pointing out that Cutler threw 4 picks, and a fib not enjoying it. I'm certain that if the Bears had won that these fibs would have quietly left without making a scene or saying anything. Also, I'm certain that there were about 10,000 arrests.
-The crowd was pretty fucking electric last night. You could hear people chanting outside of the stadium about 30 minutes before kickoff.
-Lovie Smith is Chilly-esque. The play calling was atrocious. The challenges were terrible. The fake punt call was incredible.
-I hate to say I was right about Cutler after week one. But I might have been right about Cutler. Also, Cutler's face is priceless.
-I actually was surprised that Grant had as many yards as he did. I wanted to abandon the run completely. The biggest problem though was that the play calling was really, really transparent. On 1st down it would be two full backs, two TE and one receiver, on second, it was either that same package, or 5 WR and no RB. And on third, if they were out of shotgun, and they were going to run, the ALWAYS motioned Finley right in front of the running back, so you knew it was a draw. Just totally obvious what they were doing.
-I do think we were Allen Barbre and three slightly mistimed passes from blowing the Bears out. Although, I suppose it could be said that we were Jay Cutler away from getting destroyed too.
-If we don't win by at least 20 next week. I'm going to be disappointed.
-I was one point off on my prediction.
I am enjoying a day of rest today. I took the day off of work fully expecting to be non-functioning after the game last night. I am tired as shit, but not hungover and could have worked. But fuck work.
Saturday night was interesting. We got a membership to the "Touchdown Club" at a local bar chain. For $20 you get a hoodie, a bunch of coupons and this card. The card gets you double bubble all the time, and on Tuesday and Saturday it gets you "Triple Cripple". Which is probably the greatest name for anything ever. Triple Cripple gets you 2 for 1, and a third drink for $1. This deal includes everything except pitchers. It really isn't even feasible for a bar to stay in business. I mean, we got 3 Jagerbombs for like $7. For most of the night there happened to be three of us: myself, Richard and my wife. When we arrived, we asked the waitress if cabs will come out to this place. The bar is probably the closest one I've found to my house, and I didn't know it was there until this weekend. But it is kind of a long way from civilization. The waitresses response: "What are you planning to get sloshed?" Um. Yes? I mean, you fucking give away drinks for like nothing. Do people typically NOT get "sloshed" or was I to understand that people just drive home "sloshed" under the old adage: "If you can see a silo from the parking lot, you are required to drive home no matter how drunk you are." Anyway, the deal was obscene. We got super drunk. Richard sang "My Ding-a-Ling". I allegedly blew a .297 of the fake breathalyzer machine (which was high). As the night came to a close, we had a decision to make: Do we pay for a cab? or do we walk the short 3.8 miles back to my house. I would've walked. It is severely down hill the whole way, so I think we could've done it. I RAN 4 miles earlier that day. But we get a cab figuring it will be like 5 or 10 bucks. The dickface charged us TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS. Which is the same amount it costs to get from Lambeau, which is like three times as far. Asshole. Also, the entire bill, including food, for three adults to get full of food and drunk as shit, plus Mark who had like 3 beers, was $60.
Sunday I woke up feeling like absolute shit. We had intended to go to Buffalo Wild Wings at noon, but didn't make it till 2. Ate and had two beers there (not going well). Watched and cheered for the Browns, as did everyone at BWW. Loud boo in Lambeau when He Who Shall Not Be Named was mentioned in the highlights. Actual quote on ESPN Radio "Forget turning 40 later in the season. He looked like He was 60. He was a statue back there. The Vikings can not be real excited." Agreed. They paid $12 million to throw ONE pass over 5 yards. Traveaeuous couldn't have thrown for 110 yards and got sacked like 5 times? I was unimpressed. Also, the Browns might go 0-16. They are fucking terrible.
Went to a tailgate, ate far too much, got far too full, which inhibited my ability to put beer into my stomach until the end of the 1st quarter. Ended up deciding to just go home and drink after the game instead of going out. And it was the longest game ever played.
Game Thoughts:
-Obviously, one of the best games I've ever been to.
-Fantastic ending.
-The taste of fib tears was delicious.
-There were a TON of fibs there. Far more than I can ever remember. Didn't overwhelm Packer fans, but there were enough to make noise.
-There was a near fistfight in the stands after the game due to a Packer fan politely (not really) pointing out that Cutler threw 4 picks, and a fib not enjoying it. I'm certain that if the Bears had won that these fibs would have quietly left without making a scene or saying anything. Also, I'm certain that there were about 10,000 arrests.
-The crowd was pretty fucking electric last night. You could hear people chanting outside of the stadium about 30 minutes before kickoff.
-Lovie Smith is Chilly-esque. The play calling was atrocious. The challenges were terrible. The fake punt call was incredible.
-I hate to say I was right about Cutler after week one. But I might have been right about Cutler. Also, Cutler's face is priceless.
-I actually was surprised that Grant had as many yards as he did. I wanted to abandon the run completely. The biggest problem though was that the play calling was really, really transparent. On 1st down it would be two full backs, two TE and one receiver, on second, it was either that same package, or 5 WR and no RB. And on third, if they were out of shotgun, and they were going to run, the ALWAYS motioned Finley right in front of the running back, so you knew it was a draw. Just totally obvious what they were doing.
-I do think we were Allen Barbre and three slightly mistimed passes from blowing the Bears out. Although, I suppose it could be said that we were Jay Cutler away from getting destroyed too.
-If we don't win by at least 20 next week. I'm going to be disappointed.
-I was one point off on my prediction.
Road to The Get Together Top 32: Week 2
Rank Team Record Last AP
(1) BYU (2-0) (2) 7
(2) USC (2-0) (26) 3
(3) Alabama (2-0) (1) 4
(4) Houston (2-0) (NR) 21
(5) Tulsa (2-0) (12) NR
(6) Texas (2-0) (25) 2
(7) LSU (2-0) (6) 9
(8) Boise St(2-0) (7) 10
(9) Utah (2-0) (30) 18
(10) Kansas (2-0) (NR) 22
(11) Michigan(2-0) (NR) 25
(12) Missouri(2-0) (9) NR
(13) UCLA (2-0) (NR) NR
(14) Minnesota(2-0) (13) NR
(15) Penn St (2-0) (27) 5
(16) Nebraska(2-0) (32) 19
(17) Cincinnati(2-0) (8) 17
(18) UNC (2-0) (NR) 24
(19) Pitt (2-0) (NR) NR
(20) Ore St. (2-0) (NR) NR
(21) Auburn (2-0) (NR) NR
(22) Iowa (2-0) (NR) NR
(23) Col St. (2-0) (11) NR
(24) S. Florida(2-0) (NR) NR
(25) Wisconsin(2-0) (NR) NR
(26) Hawaii (2-0) (NR) NR
(27) Wm & Mary(2-0) (19) NR
(28) Villanova(2-0) (20) NR
(29) SMU (2-0) (NR) NR
(30) New Hamp.(2-0) (NR) NR
(31) Miami (1-0) (3) 20
(32) Florida (2-0) (NR) 1
Dropped Out: Ole Miss (5), Baylor (10), South Carolina (14), OK St. (4), Kentucky (15), Stanford (16), UConn (17), Richmond (18), Buffalo (21), Army (22), North Texas (23), Idaho (24), Ohio St (28), Cal (29), Notre Dame (31),
(1) BYU (2-0) (2) 7
(2) USC (2-0) (26) 3
(3) Alabama (2-0) (1) 4
(4) Houston (2-0) (NR) 21
(5) Tulsa (2-0) (12) NR
(6) Texas (2-0) (25) 2
(7) LSU (2-0) (6) 9
(8) Boise St(2-0) (7) 10
(9) Utah (2-0) (30) 18
(10) Kansas (2-0) (NR) 22
(11) Michigan(2-0) (NR) 25
(12) Missouri(2-0) (9) NR
(13) UCLA (2-0) (NR) NR
(14) Minnesota(2-0) (13) NR
(15) Penn St (2-0) (27) 5
(16) Nebraska(2-0) (32) 19
(17) Cincinnati(2-0) (8) 17
(18) UNC (2-0) (NR) 24
(19) Pitt (2-0) (NR) NR
(20) Ore St. (2-0) (NR) NR
(21) Auburn (2-0) (NR) NR
(22) Iowa (2-0) (NR) NR
(23) Col St. (2-0) (11) NR
(24) S. Florida(2-0) (NR) NR
(25) Wisconsin(2-0) (NR) NR
(26) Hawaii (2-0) (NR) NR
(27) Wm & Mary(2-0) (19) NR
(28) Villanova(2-0) (20) NR
(29) SMU (2-0) (NR) NR
(30) New Hamp.(2-0) (NR) NR
(31) Miami (1-0) (3) 20
(32) Florida (2-0) (NR) 1
Dropped Out: Ole Miss (5), Baylor (10), South Carolina (14), OK St. (4), Kentucky (15), Stanford (16), UConn (17), Richmond (18), Buffalo (21), Army (22), North Texas (23), Idaho (24), Ohio St (28), Cal (29), Notre Dame (31),
Friday, September 11, 2009
Weekend Preview
Here is my unresearched Packer/Bear Preview.
Packers Running O v. Bears Running D:
It remains to be seen whether Ryan Grant is good like he was in '07, or bad like he was in '08. The line is a question mark, although the fact that Rodgers' jersey was clean at the end of the preseason is a good sign. The Bears are stout against the run, and there is no reason to think they won't be again. Edge: Bears.
Packers Passing O v. Bears Passing D:
This one won't be a fair fight. Not only were the Bears starters a bit shaky against the pass, but most of those starters are hurt. And A-Rodg is suddenly what would happen if Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and Johnny Utah had a three way (at least according to the National media). Edge: Pack
Bears Passing O v. Packers Passing D
I'm giving the slight edge to the Packers due to Woodson/Harris. And only slight because I have no clue how the new scheme will affect their strengths (can Harris play zone?), and because Cutler has a slight chance of being good. Also, Cutlerfuck could throw 5 picks and be sacked 8 times based on how the D looked in the preseason. Edge: Pack
Bears Running O v. Packers Running D
Forte is really, really good. The Bears line is good at run blocking. Raji is out, and I have no idea how the 3/4 will do. Edge: Bears
Special Teams
Crosby was awful in the preseason. Our punter is average. Our return man is out. Hester still scares me a bit. Edge: Bears
Weather: no edge
Intangibles: My favorite category because it is utterly meaningless. I'm giving it to the Lambeau crowd. Edge: Packers
Coaching: I know Lovie Smith got the Bears to a Super Bowl, but I'm not sold on him. Push.
Prediction: Packers 21, Bears 14. Cutler throws a back-breaking 4th quarter INT that Cullen Jenkins takes to the house.
BADGER PREDICTION: UW 24, Fresno St. 23
FESTIVITIES:
So I'm going to the game Sunday night. I would put my anxiety level at about a 6/10, up from 3/10 yesterday. For reference, my anxiety for the NFC Championship against the Giants was a 23/10. I've been tossing around the idea of getting up slightly hungover on Sunday and heading to the bars to watch the noon games before going to a semi-organized tailgate party. I've already been given that sideways look, and warning from my wife that goes something like: "We can do that. But I don't think it is a very good idea to drink for 7 hours before the game. You don't want to be blacked out at kickoff. And I don't want to have to take care of you either." If I had a nickel for every time she has said that to me in the 6+ years we've been together, I would be rich, and probably would've blacked out alot more than I have. She is right about 90% of the time. We will see I guess. I took Monday off of work.
Packers Running O v. Bears Running D:
It remains to be seen whether Ryan Grant is good like he was in '07, or bad like he was in '08. The line is a question mark, although the fact that Rodgers' jersey was clean at the end of the preseason is a good sign. The Bears are stout against the run, and there is no reason to think they won't be again. Edge: Bears.
Packers Passing O v. Bears Passing D:
This one won't be a fair fight. Not only were the Bears starters a bit shaky against the pass, but most of those starters are hurt. And A-Rodg is suddenly what would happen if Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and Johnny Utah had a three way (at least according to the National media). Edge: Pack
Bears Passing O v. Packers Passing D
I'm giving the slight edge to the Packers due to Woodson/Harris. And only slight because I have no clue how the new scheme will affect their strengths (can Harris play zone?), and because Cutler has a slight chance of being good. Also, Cutlerfuck could throw 5 picks and be sacked 8 times based on how the D looked in the preseason. Edge: Pack
Bears Running O v. Packers Running D
Forte is really, really good. The Bears line is good at run blocking. Raji is out, and I have no idea how the 3/4 will do. Edge: Bears
Special Teams
Crosby was awful in the preseason. Our punter is average. Our return man is out. Hester still scares me a bit. Edge: Bears
Weather: no edge
Intangibles: My favorite category because it is utterly meaningless. I'm giving it to the Lambeau crowd. Edge: Packers
Coaching: I know Lovie Smith got the Bears to a Super Bowl, but I'm not sold on him. Push.
Prediction: Packers 21, Bears 14. Cutler throws a back-breaking 4th quarter INT that Cullen Jenkins takes to the house.
BADGER PREDICTION: UW 24, Fresno St. 23
FESTIVITIES:
So I'm going to the game Sunday night. I would put my anxiety level at about a 6/10, up from 3/10 yesterday. For reference, my anxiety for the NFC Championship against the Giants was a 23/10. I've been tossing around the idea of getting up slightly hungover on Sunday and heading to the bars to watch the noon games before going to a semi-organized tailgate party. I've already been given that sideways look, and warning from my wife that goes something like: "We can do that. But I don't think it is a very good idea to drink for 7 hours before the game. You don't want to be blacked out at kickoff. And I don't want to have to take care of you either." If I had a nickel for every time she has said that to me in the 6+ years we've been together, I would be rich, and probably would've blacked out alot more than I have. She is right about 90% of the time. We will see I guess. I took Monday off of work.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Madden Curse Strikes!
I have absolutely nothing to base this on, but I'm calling it because I know about the Madden curse and now that the fat bastard has even more time on his hands, he's probably carved about 100 voodoo dolls in the back of his cruiser. Troy Polamalu is out for the season*! That's my prediction. I have no factual basis for this, but I'm calling it.
Those of you who drafted Fitzgerald in the first round of their fantasy leagues better grimace, because if one goes down, the other is not far behind! Quick! Someone trade Bizarro Larry Fitzgerald before the season starts!
Seriously though, Polamalu is done for the year*, this year of our (Sports Bottle's) Lord, 2009.
*3-6 weeks
Those of you who drafted Fitzgerald in the first round of their fantasy leagues better grimace, because if one goes down, the other is not far behind! Quick! Someone trade Bizarro Larry Fitzgerald before the season starts!
Seriously though, Polamalu is done for the year*, this year of our (Sports Bottle's) Lord, 2009.
*3-6 weeks
NFL Picks!! and stuff
I'm back, making picks using nothing but gut feelings, but not placing any actual bets because I don't have money and because gambling is illegal. Although I hope to make one or two on October 25th in Vegas. Last year I was a respectable, but not great, 134-126-7 against the spread.
Pit (-6), TB (+6), NO (-13), Atl (-4.5), Hou (-4.5), Cin (-4), Car (+1), Ind (-7), Min (-4), Bal (-13), NYG (-6.5), Sea (-8.5), Ari (-6.5), GB (-3.5), NE (-10.5), SD (-9.5)
I HATE three or four of these picks.
Looking forward to real football tonight.
STUFF
Goddamn fantasy football. Already it looks like Pierre Thomas is out because he "cut his leg on a fence" WHAT? What the fuck are you doing trying to leap fences you stupid asshole? It had something to do with his Rottweiler or German Shepard or pit bull or some shit. Jesus christ. Doesn't he understand that I've got money on him? Fuck! Now I have to start goddamn Julius Jones, who I couldn't possibly like any less than I do. Jones prediction: 43 yds rushing, 1 catch for 4 yds, 0 TD, 1 fumble.
Quick movie review. Since I have my free HBO preview I am watching some movies that aren't that new, but that I haven't already seen. I watched "Hitman" the other night. It surprisingly didn't suck dick. Cool shooting/gadgets/gratuitous nudity= not terrible. They didn't really explain why he has a fucking barcode on his head (although I'm mildly familiar with the video game, so I kind of know), so that was weird. I'd give it like a 3.5/5.
Packer preview coming tomorrow.
Pit (-6), TB (+6), NO (-13), Atl (-4.5), Hou (-4.5), Cin (-4), Car (+1), Ind (-7), Min (-4), Bal (-13), NYG (-6.5), Sea (-8.5), Ari (-6.5), GB (-3.5), NE (-10.5), SD (-9.5)
I HATE three or four of these picks.
Looking forward to real football tonight.
STUFF
Goddamn fantasy football. Already it looks like Pierre Thomas is out because he "cut his leg on a fence" WHAT? What the fuck are you doing trying to leap fences you stupid asshole? It had something to do with his Rottweiler or German Shepard or pit bull or some shit. Jesus christ. Doesn't he understand that I've got money on him? Fuck! Now I have to start goddamn Julius Jones, who I couldn't possibly like any less than I do. Jones prediction: 43 yds rushing, 1 catch for 4 yds, 0 TD, 1 fumble.
Quick movie review. Since I have my free HBO preview I am watching some movies that aren't that new, but that I haven't already seen. I watched "Hitman" the other night. It surprisingly didn't suck dick. Cool shooting/gadgets/gratuitous nudity= not terrible. They didn't really explain why he has a fucking barcode on his head (although I'm mildly familiar with the video game, so I kind of know), so that was weird. I'd give it like a 3.5/5.
Packer preview coming tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
In Case You Missed It 2, Ex-Packer Edition
Blair Kiel. He brings back fond memories of Anthony Dilweg. And likes to get drunk and fight. I bet he didn't make quite as much money as Russell Crowe did doing likewise.
In Case You Missed It...
"Not everybody's the perfect person in the world. I mean everyone kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever. I think that people need a second chance, and I've always looked up to Mike Vick, and I always will."--Terrelle Pryor, QB THE Ohio State University/Apparent Murderer.
THAT is good, quality, family entertainment if I've ever seen it.
THAT is good, quality, family entertainment if I've ever seen it.
That Feeling In My Stomach
I'm eternally an optimist. It may not seem that way because of how much I bitch and moan. But seriously, I try to look at the bright side of everything, give real people the benefit of the doubt (not celebrities or athletes, because fuck them) and live life to the fullest.
Same goes for my views on my sports teams. For instance, I'm buying into the Packer hype, and I'm feeling pretty good about their chances. The electricity in GB is slowly building towards Sunday, and we are all hoping for that explosion on Sunday night.
But I'm starting to get a bad feeling down in the pit of my stomach as it relates to the Packers and here is why. Every year, there is a team that starts out as a deep sleeper for the Super Bowl that is coming off of a subpar season, starts getting a little hype, has a huge preseason, and is suddenly the sexy "sleeper" pick for the Super Bowl. And then that team shits the bed. Unfortunately, I am getting the feeling that this year's sexy pick is the Green Bay Packers. And I say this because last night on my favorite network, there was an "Experts Roundtable" season preview show. At the end, the four "experts" had to make a Super Bowl prediction. And TWO of the four (Mort and Schefter) picked the Packers to win the NFC. Normally, I would be elated. But for a team that did not make the playoffs last year to become a trendy pick doesn't really make a lot of sense to me (even though I picked them to win the division), and has almost always turned into bad luck. I dunno, maybe it is just superstition, but that makes three "experts" (Mike Lombardi) that have picked the Packers.
IN UNRELATED NEWS: My wife used the word "titties" last night. And I scolded her for it. That is a word that only guys are able to use. Also on this list: "vag", "snatch", "gash", "titty balls", "titays", "melons", any other slang word used to describe the female anatomy, any slang term used to describe the male anatomy except "cock" and "dick".
Same goes for my views on my sports teams. For instance, I'm buying into the Packer hype, and I'm feeling pretty good about their chances. The electricity in GB is slowly building towards Sunday, and we are all hoping for that explosion on Sunday night.
But I'm starting to get a bad feeling down in the pit of my stomach as it relates to the Packers and here is why. Every year, there is a team that starts out as a deep sleeper for the Super Bowl that is coming off of a subpar season, starts getting a little hype, has a huge preseason, and is suddenly the sexy "sleeper" pick for the Super Bowl. And then that team shits the bed. Unfortunately, I am getting the feeling that this year's sexy pick is the Green Bay Packers. And I say this because last night on my favorite network, there was an "Experts Roundtable" season preview show. At the end, the four "experts" had to make a Super Bowl prediction. And TWO of the four (Mort and Schefter) picked the Packers to win the NFC. Normally, I would be elated. But for a team that did not make the playoffs last year to become a trendy pick doesn't really make a lot of sense to me (even though I picked them to win the division), and has almost always turned into bad luck. I dunno, maybe it is just superstition, but that makes three "experts" (Mike Lombardi) that have picked the Packers.
IN UNRELATED NEWS: My wife used the word "titties" last night. And I scolded her for it. That is a word that only guys are able to use. Also on this list: "vag", "snatch", "gash", "titty balls", "titays", "melons", any other slang word used to describe the female anatomy, any slang term used to describe the male anatomy except "cock" and "dick".
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Road to The Get Together: Top 32 Week 1
Not only am I ridding the world of the BCS, but I'm ridding the world of the completely random "Top 25". Why was 25 the settled on number? I'm going with 32 because that is how many teams will earn the right to play for the true championship of college football. As always, this is totally scientific, and not at all based on watching the games, or if I think a team would beat another team. It is completely based on the following question: "What has a team done this year?" Meaning: who have they beat, where have they beat them. No preseason rankings. No teams getting a head start to the tournament by having a lot of talent. No passes for beating cupcakes. No teams being ranked in the top 15 despite having a losing record (Really?) No getting ranked despite not playing at all. Obviously, this will fluctuate greatly in the first few weeks, but generally settle down near the end. Last year it accurately predicted the top 2.
Rank Team Record Actual Rank
1)Alabama 1-0 (4)
2)BYU 1 -0 (9)
3)Miami 1-0 (20)
4)Oklahoma St. 1-0 (5)
5)Ole Miss 1-0 (6)
6)LSU 1-0 (11)
7)Boise St 1-0 (12)
8)Cincinnati 1-0 (23)
9)Missouri 1-0 (25)
10)Baylor 1-0 (NR)
11)Colorado St. 1-0 (NR)
12)Tulsa 1-0 (NR)
13)Minnesota 1-0 (NR)
14)South Carolina 1-0 (NR)
15)Kentucky 1-0 (NR)
16)Stanford 1-0 (NR)
17)Uconn 1-0 (NR)
18)Richmond 1-0 (NR)
19)William & Mary 1-0 (NR)
20)Villanova 1-0 (NR)
21)Buffalo 1-0 (NR)
22)Army 1-0 (NR)
23)North Texas 1-0 (NR)
24)Idaho 1-0 (NR)
25)Texas 1-0 (2)
26)USC 1-0 (3)
27)Penn St 1-0 (7)
28)Ohio St 1-0 (8)
29)Cal 1-0 (10)
30)Utah 1-0 (17)
31)Notre Dame 1-0 (18)
32)Nebraska 1-0 (22)
Rank Team Record Actual Rank
1)Alabama 1-0 (4)
2)BYU 1 -0 (9)
3)Miami 1-0 (20)
4)Oklahoma St. 1-0 (5)
5)Ole Miss 1-0 (6)
6)LSU 1-0 (11)
7)Boise St 1-0 (12)
8)Cincinnati 1-0 (23)
9)Missouri 1-0 (25)
10)Baylor 1-0 (NR)
11)Colorado St. 1-0 (NR)
12)Tulsa 1-0 (NR)
13)Minnesota 1-0 (NR)
14)South Carolina 1-0 (NR)
15)Kentucky 1-0 (NR)
16)Stanford 1-0 (NR)
17)Uconn 1-0 (NR)
18)Richmond 1-0 (NR)
19)William & Mary 1-0 (NR)
20)Villanova 1-0 (NR)
21)Buffalo 1-0 (NR)
22)Army 1-0 (NR)
23)North Texas 1-0 (NR)
24)Idaho 1-0 (NR)
25)Texas 1-0 (2)
26)USC 1-0 (3)
27)Penn St 1-0 (7)
28)Ohio St 1-0 (8)
29)Cal 1-0 (10)
30)Utah 1-0 (17)
31)Notre Dame 1-0 (18)
32)Nebraska 1-0 (22)
Monday, September 7, 2009
OJSFA Week One Preview
This was the important thing I was talking about. The higher-ups at this blog (non-existent) gave me a hefty raise (not really) and a per diem (nothing) to do a weekly Orenthal James Simpson Football Association Preview. We are in our fourth year of bloody competition, and our first season of our TV deal with TLC. I am the defending champion. Just thought I would point that out. Each week I'm going to go best to worst game, give the Vegas odds, and all-time records. Some games (mine) will also have summaries. Normally I would do this on Friday or Saturday, but the games start Thursday and I wanted to get it out before the games started. Without further ado:
GAME OF THE WEEK
The White Broncos (0-0) v. Heywood Jablome (0-0)
Line: The White Broncos by 6.
History: The White Broncos lead the series 5-1.
Summary: Game of the week because I said so. No doubt in my mind that Dr. Phil (White Broncos) throws all of his TD passes to Vincent Jackson (Heywood Jablome) and none to Antonio Gates (White Broncos) to completely fuck me. Good times.
OTHER GAMES (In order of importance)
Schmock's Team (0-0) v. Bottomed Out (0-0)
Line: Schmock's Team by 15.
History: Bottomed Out leads the series 4-3.
Summary: I've got nothing except that Bottomed out needs to pay his motherfucking fees.
Faribault Frauleins (0-0) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (0-0)
Line: Frauleins by 9
History: Grapefruit leads series 2-0.
Summary: Another second year team Frauleins, decided to come up with the most difficult name to fucking spell.
GAME OF THE WEEK
The White Broncos (0-0) v. Heywood Jablome (0-0)
Line: The White Broncos by 6.
History: The White Broncos lead the series 5-1.
Summary: Game of the week because I said so. No doubt in my mind that Dr. Phil (White Broncos) throws all of his TD passes to Vincent Jackson (Heywood Jablome) and none to Antonio Gates (White Broncos) to completely fuck me. Good times.
OTHER GAMES (In order of importance)
RIP Billie Jean (0-0) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (0-0)
Line: Billie Jean by 13
History: Pharmaceuticals lead series 4-2.
Summary: These two guys LOVE the cock. That much I can tell you. Both teams were in the playoffs last year.
Schmock's Team (0-0) v. Bottomed Out (0-0)
Line: Schmock's Team by 15.
History: Bottomed Out leads the series 4-3.
Summary: I've got nothing except that Bottomed out needs to pay his motherfucking fees.
Faribault Frauleins (0-0) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (0-0)
Line: Frauleins by 9
History: Grapefruit leads series 2-0.
Summary: Another second year team Frauleins, decided to come up with the most difficult name to fucking spell.
LEAST IMPORTANT, DOGSHIT GAME OF THE WEEK
Marino for Prez (0-0) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (0-0)
Line: No Talent Ass Clowns by 7.
History: Marino for Prez leads series 2-0.
Summary: Second year for both teams. Marino for Prez was an expansion team (and a shitty one). No Talent Ass Clowns has a creepy Simpson's style character for a logo.
Quick Things
Before I get to the really important stuff, I've got a couple of thoughts:-The above HR celebration was the best one I've seen in quite some time. It is a really good thing the crew isn't letting something like a 14 game deficit get them down.
-I'm pretty surprised that Brohm and Sutton got cut. And I'm surprised that we kept 3 FBs. Also, Deshawn Wynn has nude pictures of Ted Thompson's daughter. There is no other logical explanation.
-Badgers were so-so. Tolzien looked really, really good actually. Running game was surprisingly bad. Defense had some nice moments. Officiating was a disaster, and made the game alot closer than it needed to be.
-I am ridiculously pumped for the NFL to start.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
NFL Predictions
Looking to improve on last year's abortion.
NFC East
1) Giants 11-5
2) Eagles 10-6
3) Cowboys 8-8
4) Redskins 6-10
NFC West
1) Seahawks 10-6
2) Cardinals 9-7
3) 49ers 6-10
4)Rams 4-12
NFC North
1) Packers 10-6
2) Bears 10-6
3) Queens 8-8
4) Lions 3-13
NFC South
1)Falcons 12-4
2) Saints 10-6
3) Panthers 7-9
4) Bucs 5-11
AFC North
1) Steelers 13-3
2) Ravens 11-5
3) Bengals 6-10
4) Browns 4-12
AFC South
1) Texans 11-5
2) Colts 11-5
3) Titans 9-7
4) Jaguars 8-8
AFC East
1) Patriots 14-2
2) Dolphins 7-9
3) Bills 6-10
4) Jets 3-13
AFC West
1) Chargers 13-3
2) Broncos 6-10
3) Chiefs 5-11
4) Raiders 2-14
Playoffs:
Wild Card
Packers over Bears
Seahawks over Eagles
Texans over Colts
Chargers over Ravens
Divisional
Falcons over Seahawks
Packers over Giants
Patriots over Texans
Steelers over Chargers
Conference
Falcons over Packers
Patriots over Steelers
Super Bowl
Patriots over Falcons
NFC East
1) Giants 11-5
2) Eagles 10-6
3) Cowboys 8-8
4) Redskins 6-10
NFC West
1) Seahawks 10-6
2) Cardinals 9-7
3) 49ers 6-10
4)Rams 4-12
NFC North
1) Packers 10-6
2) Bears 10-6
3) Queens 8-8
4) Lions 3-13
NFC South
1)Falcons 12-4
2) Saints 10-6
3) Panthers 7-9
4) Bucs 5-11
AFC North
1) Steelers 13-3
2) Ravens 11-5
3) Bengals 6-10
4) Browns 4-12
AFC South
1) Texans 11-5
2) Colts 11-5
3) Titans 9-7
4) Jaguars 8-8
AFC East
1) Patriots 14-2
2) Dolphins 7-9
3) Bills 6-10
4) Jets 3-13
AFC West
1) Chargers 13-3
2) Broncos 6-10
3) Chiefs 5-11
4) Raiders 2-14
Playoffs:
Wild Card
Packers over Bears
Seahawks over Eagles
Texans over Colts
Chargers over Ravens
Divisional
Falcons over Seahawks
Packers over Giants
Patriots over Texans
Steelers over Chargers
Conference
Falcons over Packers
Patriots over Steelers
Super Bowl
Patriots over Falcons
Jays 2009-10 Schedule
Got my first look at the Creighton Bluejays schedule today. Looks pretty formidable. Games against Michigan (neutral), Dayton (road), New Mexico (road) and George Mason (road), along with a game against Marquette or Xavier (neutral) and Alabama/Florida State/or Baylor (neutral) look tough in the non-conference. A few wins in those games, and there is no way the committee can fuck them again for not playing a tough schedule. And the Valley is always murderous.
At least Twinkie will care.
At least Twinkie will care.
Corn Roasts
Going to a corn roast over at an in-laws tonight. For those who don't know, you take a shitload of corn, roast it on a grill or over a fire, and you eat it. Mix in a bunch of beer, and you have a corn roast. Not the biggest fan in the world, but it is OK. Problem is, the Badgers open up at 6 p.m. tonight. The corn roast starts at 4 p.m. You all know how I am about watching sporting events. I have the DVR set, and my wife's family is like just cognizant enough that a game is going on, that they are all going to want to talk to me about it (because they know that sports, video games, food and cocaine are the only 4 things I care about). The bad thing is that I am an asshole if I want to sit and watch the entire thing. So there is this awkward dynamic, where everyone will check the score and tell me enough to ruin any possibility of me watching it on DVR, but I can't watch it. Fucking sucks. If it was a Packer game, I would totally just be a dick and watch it and ignore the family. Or not go at all. But Badgers v. Huskies probably doesn't rise to an acceptable level of importance to make a scene.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Which One Will Be a Viqueen Next Week?
It occurred to me while watching that "game" last night, that there will be a minimum of one, and probably more Packers that will be cut and end up being signed by the Viqueens. I'm convinced at this point that the Queen have no scouting department. They have just decided to check out who was cut or not re-signed by the Packers every year, and sign a handful of them. It saves Zygi Wilf like $50,000 a year to just use the Packers to tell them who is good. The list of players going from the Packers to the Viqueens in the last decade is too long to write down, but there have been an inordinate amount. Here are my guesses for this year:
1) Ruvell Martin: If he is cut, it is an absolute guarantee. The Queens love them some ex-Packer receivers. They signed Robert Ferguson for fucks sake. I would keep Brett Swain over Ruvell. Ruvell has been a solid number 5 for like 5 years, but Swain showed how versatile he is last night WHEN HE PLAYED DB FOR THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF! And he didn't look terrible doing it. They have to keep Swain I think.
2) Aaron Rouse or Charlie Peprah: One of them is guaranteed to be cut. One of them is going to be on the Viqueens.
3) The odd man out at LB: We have about 13 LBs that are good enough to be on someone's team. The Viqueens will pick one of them up.
4) Some random O-lineman. Just because.
5) If they need another RB, Deshawn Wynn or Kregg Lumpkin: I think both are gone. Tyrell Sutton just looks too explosive to let go. But, as with the rest of the random awesome training camp backs, he will blow out a knee in week 1, and the Pack will bring back Wynn or Lumpkin.
6) The odd man out at FB. We have 3 starting quality FB. They'll keep Johnson for sure. I think they let Kuhn go, but I have nothing to base this on.
Speaking of last night's game:
-the starters played for 1:14. Which was great for the half full Tennessee crowd (at least 1/3 appeared to be Packer fans).
-Rookie DB Brandon Underwood had a rough fucking game. If he drank himself to death last night, I couldn't blame him. He probably got beat at least a dozen times. A few other times he was victim of a great catch. He also got the wind knocked out of him tackling Vince Young (who looked awesome by the way), and eventually ended up going out with a stinger. This is what happens when you START your 5th and 6th corners.
-B.J. Raji hurt his gigantic, fat ankle. I'm a little concerned. He was standing on it at the end of the game, so hopefully it isn't serious. And hopefully it just isn't that he can't feel pain because he is so large. Lower extremity (and back) injuries tend to linger with 300 + pounders. (See Justin Harrell and Gilbert Brown).
-Spencer Havner isn't black.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL
Caught some of the Boise St.-Oregon game last night. Oregon should be investigated and possibly thrown out of college sports for how atrocious their unis are. I mean seriously. Last night it was some sort of cream colored helmet, jersey and pants. The jerseys had these weird, really small, square numbers, as well as what I assume were duck wings on the shoulders. Fear the duck I guess. Oregon hasn't worn the same jersey in back to back games, in any sport, since 1994. They are like that super rich/high maintenance chick who throws away her clothes after wearing them once. I can only guess there are a number of children in El Salvador running around in the Week 3, 2002 Oregon Ducks uniforms, including helmet.
Boise's uniforms weren't much better. The numbers on their jersey's were a strange silver color for no reason whatsoever. Between that an the obnoxious blue field and the "orange out" that the fans did, it felt like I was on shrooms or something (I've heard). BTW, I am calling that the number 1 team in my upcoming debut of the Worthless, Uniformed and Biased Top 25 is going to be the Alabama-Virginia Tech winner. Number 2 will likely be Boise St., but that is a little unclear. And Boise could go 50-0 and the BCS wouldn't like them.
Wisconsin 37, Northern Illinois 20. Late FG mysteriously covers the 16.5 pt spread.
Coming this weekend: NFL Predictions
1) Ruvell Martin: If he is cut, it is an absolute guarantee. The Queens love them some ex-Packer receivers. They signed Robert Ferguson for fucks sake. I would keep Brett Swain over Ruvell. Ruvell has been a solid number 5 for like 5 years, but Swain showed how versatile he is last night WHEN HE PLAYED DB FOR THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF! And he didn't look terrible doing it. They have to keep Swain I think.
2) Aaron Rouse or Charlie Peprah: One of them is guaranteed to be cut. One of them is going to be on the Viqueens.
3) The odd man out at LB: We have about 13 LBs that are good enough to be on someone's team. The Viqueens will pick one of them up.
4) Some random O-lineman. Just because.
5) If they need another RB, Deshawn Wynn or Kregg Lumpkin: I think both are gone. Tyrell Sutton just looks too explosive to let go. But, as with the rest of the random awesome training camp backs, he will blow out a knee in week 1, and the Pack will bring back Wynn or Lumpkin.
6) The odd man out at FB. We have 3 starting quality FB. They'll keep Johnson for sure. I think they let Kuhn go, but I have nothing to base this on.
Speaking of last night's game:
-the starters played for 1:14. Which was great for the half full Tennessee crowd (at least 1/3 appeared to be Packer fans).
-Rookie DB Brandon Underwood had a rough fucking game. If he drank himself to death last night, I couldn't blame him. He probably got beat at least a dozen times. A few other times he was victim of a great catch. He also got the wind knocked out of him tackling Vince Young (who looked awesome by the way), and eventually ended up going out with a stinger. This is what happens when you START your 5th and 6th corners.
-B.J. Raji hurt his gigantic, fat ankle. I'm a little concerned. He was standing on it at the end of the game, so hopefully it isn't serious. And hopefully it just isn't that he can't feel pain because he is so large. Lower extremity (and back) injuries tend to linger with 300 + pounders. (See Justin Harrell and Gilbert Brown).
-Spencer Havner isn't black.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL
Caught some of the Boise St.-Oregon game last night. Oregon should be investigated and possibly thrown out of college sports for how atrocious their unis are. I mean seriously. Last night it was some sort of cream colored helmet, jersey and pants. The jerseys had these weird, really small, square numbers, as well as what I assume were duck wings on the shoulders. Fear the duck I guess. Oregon hasn't worn the same jersey in back to back games, in any sport, since 1994. They are like that super rich/high maintenance chick who throws away her clothes after wearing them once. I can only guess there are a number of children in El Salvador running around in the Week 3, 2002 Oregon Ducks uniforms, including helmet.
Boise's uniforms weren't much better. The numbers on their jersey's were a strange silver color for no reason whatsoever. Between that an the obnoxious blue field and the "orange out" that the fans did, it felt like I was on shrooms or something (I've heard). BTW, I am calling that the number 1 team in my upcoming debut of the Worthless, Uniformed and Biased Top 25 is going to be the Alabama-Virginia Tech winner. Number 2 will likely be Boise St., but that is a little unclear. And Boise could go 50-0 and the BCS wouldn't like them.
Wisconsin 37, Northern Illinois 20. Late FG mysteriously covers the 16.5 pt spread.
Coming this weekend: NFL Predictions
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Never Not Good
Probably the sole reason that I read every Simmons article. The Vegas Running Diary. Also, ALL Vegas running diaries are great. And if you don't think I'm doing one in October, you are dead wrong. One of the guys (complete stranger) we are going with wrote one that took me like 5 days to read, although I can't find the link.
Interesting Things
I was all set to write up a post bitching about how Peter King (and others) have picked the Bears to be in the Super Bowl. That is despite the fact that Cutler's liver will surely explode at some point this season due to binge drinking and diabetes. And the fact that he is a gigantic douche that will get mad at Matt Forte for scoring all the touchdowns or something and refuse to throw him the ball to make a point. Or the fact that there are no discernible wide receivers on the team to throw to. Or the fact that their secondary was awful last year. Or the fact that Brian Urlacher is without a doubt the most overrated player in NFL history. Or the fact that the offense they run is so pedestrian, that it doesn't really matter who plays QB.
But then I listened to a BS Report podcast from last week. And Mike Lombardi from the National Football Post and the NFL Network picked the motherfucking Green Bay Packers. Which I was both surprised and delighted by. And this pick was made BEFORE the first team beat down the Pack put on Arizona. At the very least, a Super Bowl prediction by a respected journalist leads me to believe that the Packers should be a very, very good team.
It is a good thing that Peter King is not a respected journalist, because that would mean the Bears will be good too.
On a side note, I haven't heard anyone predict either the Viqueens or the Lions in the Super Bowl, meaning both are going to gargle cock all year.
On another side note, the Packers/Bears game on September 13th (that I have tickets to) is a de facto NFC Championship game.
On a third side note, the game tonight against the Titans is going to be boring as shit. I hope to (Sports Bottle's) god that Matt Flynn plays tonight. Because I would have to get pretty goddamn drunk to enjoy 3.9 quarters of Brian Brohm throwing passes to the other team.
But then I listened to a BS Report podcast from last week. And Mike Lombardi from the National Football Post and the NFL Network picked the motherfucking Green Bay Packers. Which I was both surprised and delighted by. And this pick was made BEFORE the first team beat down the Pack put on Arizona. At the very least, a Super Bowl prediction by a respected journalist leads me to believe that the Packers should be a very, very good team.
It is a good thing that Peter King is not a respected journalist, because that would mean the Bears will be good too.
On a side note, I haven't heard anyone predict either the Viqueens or the Lions in the Super Bowl, meaning both are going to gargle cock all year.
On another side note, the Packers/Bears game on September 13th (that I have tickets to) is a de facto NFC Championship game.
On a third side note, the game tonight against the Titans is going to be boring as shit. I hope to (Sports Bottle's) god that Matt Flynn plays tonight. Because I would have to get pretty goddamn drunk to enjoy 3.9 quarters of Brian Brohm throwing passes to the other team.
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