Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Toothless, White-Trash, Rednecks

So the saga continues. Karma continues to rear its ugly bitch face. I would think I've built up some good karma with the various shit that has happened over the course of 2009 (and obviously I know that whatever has happened, it could have been worse). But I must be a fucking terrible human being. I guess thinking and speaking various bad thoughts is just as bad as actually acting on them.

But onto last night....The wife and I go to the grocery store to get much needed sustenance. We are getting down to emergency meals (i.e. the ones you only eat when you have no other choice). We spend like 45 minutes getting all sorts of shit, and actually it was a fairly large trip. We double checked before we went to the store that the bank would let us write checks due to the whole stolen wallet thing and security flags and such. We were assured that it wasn't a problem. So the wife writes out a check for $153.42, and the motherfucker gets denied. Few things are embarrassing as the whole chain of events:

1) We are writing a check. We NEVER write checks unless it is to some other person. We always use our credit cards and pay them off online. AND to make it more ironic, I am always the asshole standing behind the old person/neck in line behind the person writing the check wanting to kill them as they take ten minutes to write the stupid fucking check and THEN refusing to leave until they make the entry into their god(Sports Bottle's)damn check register.

2) It is 8 p.m. so there is one open land and about 12 people behind us with two items.

3) They reject the fucking check and treat us like criminals.

4) We make them call over the manager and she is a bitch about it.

5) We act like assholes.

6) We spend like 30 minutes on the phone with the bank while our ice cream melts.

Our bank informs us that they think the problem is with the third party company that grocery stores pay to approve checks for them. Of course, the bank give me the wrong one so I spend the next 15 minutes arguing with some (expletive deleted) woman about whether or not I can read the number off the bottom of my check, and whether I know my own social security number. Finally, we figured out that the grocery store uses a different company to do this job. We call that company and we get a recording telling us that they won't approve it because we are "high risk" and that we can't talk to a real person. Eventually we give up and tell the manager to have fun putting away our groceries.

Upon getting home, we finally fucked with their robot on the phone enough that it gave up and gave us a person. Person tells us that the check was not denied for the theft, or that we are dirtbags, but because WE HAD NEVER WRITTEN A CHECK TO A STORE BEFORE. Which, by the way, is likely true. But it is insane that they won't take a check from someone just because they haven't written it before. Someone I know that went to law school informed me that a CHECK IS A MOTHERFUCKING NEGOTIABLE INSTRUMENT. IT IS FUCKING LEGAL TENDER. IT IS A NOTE THAT ENTITLES YOU TO FUCKING MONEY. LEGALLY, IT SHOULDN'T BE A FUCKING OPTION ON WHETHER YOU WANT TO APPROVE IT OR NOT. We were told we had to write smaller checks to "establish a history". After fucking with the chick for awhile (i.e. Asking her if I could write 75 $2 checks to the same place) we eventually gave up. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go sign up for food stamps because those, unlike FUCKING CHECKS WHERE THE FUCKING BANK ASSURES YOU THERE IS FUCKING MONEY, are never used fraudulently.


- Our old roommate, lets call him Bill, showed up out of the blue. Comments associated with said meeting included: "Now I know where my 40 pounds went." and "I was afraid Bill was going to eat me." and "I love his tits."

- I had not been quiet when saying these things, which is strange because after 25 drinks, I'm usually like a church mouse. Anyways, the conspiracy theory is that he in fact, stole my wallet. Which would not surprise me in the least.

- My wife, my brother and Mark went "Snout Hunting" Which is the meanest thing ever.

- My wife accidentally sent a text to Richards ex-girlfriend that said "I luv u."

I'm sure some other things will come to mind.


I am already sick of He Who Shall Not Be Named v. Packers talk. If we don't win this game I might kill myself.


ricky said...

Sorry Juice, but I was laughing my ass off reading this post! That had to be frustrating, but holy shit was it funny to read about. "Bill" ate your 40 pounds and ate your wallet. I think "Bill" eats anything he sees.

The Sports Bottle said...

Can someone give me a hint as to who "Bill" is. I have a couple guesses but not sure if any are right.

Juicelaw said...

"Bill" is named after a bible character not named Jesus or Sports Bottle's God.

The Sports Bottle said...

Now I got it.