Stream of Consciousness

You know what isn't good? Diet Canada Dry ginger ale. First, it is Ginger Ale. Second, it tastes like watered down Ginger Ale. I don't know why I opened it. It sucks.

My "Weekend Off"

This weekend was going to be a weekend to rest a little, lay on the couch, perhaps do some yard work that I've ignored for about four weeks now, go on a date with my wife or some shit, etc. But I got tickets to my first Badger game ever this weekend for $20, so I had to go.

You may be wondering "Juice, you seem like a pretty big sports fan, I'm shocked you've never been to a Badger game". I would agree, it is strange. I guess it is the fact that I grew up around Green Bay, and my parents didn't have any money really, so we just never got down there. What is also odd is that I've been to 24 Packer games since my first one in 1988, and those tickets are twice as much, and probably slightly harder to come by. We've just always known random people that were able to hook us up with tickets, and never knew anyone that had Badger tickets.

ANYWAYS, the wife and I are headed down at the asscrack of dawn Saturday due to the 11 a.m. kickoff (which is way to fucking early). I'm little stressed because I don't know my way around all that well, and as there is with Green Bay, there are special tricks for traffic/parking that exist on gamedays that I'm not aware of. I'm sure it will be fine. My wife is already pissed that I'm making her leave at 6 a.m. I just want to make sure I have time to soak it all in, and drink as much as possible before 11 a.m. because of the asinine non-drinking rule at Camp Randall.

Also, many may ask "Holy shit, you are going down to Madison on Halloween???? Where are you staying?" The answer is that somewhere around age 25, the thought of being tear gassed (this allegedly happened to my brother once) stopped sounding good to me. And really, I've only got a weekend or so a year of tolerance for getting all sweaty and standing shoulder to shoulder with other drunken assholes to get warm beer. And that weekend is Oktoberfest for me. I just hope to see some random slutty nurses, or slutty cats, or slutty devils or slutty witches or something. Wisconsin 34, Purdue 20.

Quick NFL Picks: Den (+3.5), NYJ (-3.5), Ind (-11.5), Det (-4.5), Dal (-9.5), Chi (-13.5), Hou (-3.5), Phi (+1), SD (-16.5), GB (-3), Ari (-10), Atl (+10)

Remember on Sunday Packer fans: 1) boo the Vikings hard, and that means EVERYONE; 2) bags of piss; 3) Cheer the Pack LOUD

This Is Going to Get Super Annoying

Is this REALLY necessary? We aren't going to get enough of flashing to him and his wife every four seconds? Didn't we already have this?

I Heard A Rumor

...That there MAY be a football game in town on Sunday. But maybe I thought of that in a blackout state in Vegas. I dunno.



I really don't want to bitch about the whole situation for the 7,432nd time, so I wanted to pull the rug out a little.



As sick and tired as I am with the media beating the He Who Shall Not Be Named storyline into the ground, I had an epiphany when NFL Network was showing "He Who Shall Not Be Named's Top 10 Moments in Green Bay". These highlights shouldn't piss me off. I can enjoy those highlights. Because you know what? As much as I currently hate that prick, all of those highlights occurred when he played for MY team. So those highlights belong to Packer fans, and not to Viqueen fans. And I don't feel one bit bad that he doesn't play for my team anymore, because we have a really, really good QB right now. This whole situation doesn't bother me because he isn't playing for us. It bothers me because he is playing for them. So when they are showing highlight reels of him in a Packer uniform, it is OK to enjoy them.

That being said, if He isn't rained with boos and bags of piss, I am going to be severely disappointed. I am sick of the national media telling me what a shame it would be if he doesn't get cheered. He PLAYS FOR THE OTHER FUCKING TEAM!!! Even the Lions get booed, and they are fucking terrible.

I mean, Ryan Longwell gets lustily booed for fuck sake, and he 1) never won three MVPs; 2) Never held us hostage for four years while deciding to retire every year; 3) he is are all-time leading scorer; 4) wasn't all that great; 5) Never even won a Super Bowl; 6) is a kicker. All Longwell ever really did to earn boos besides going to the Vikings was to say there wasn't anywhere to eat in Green Bay besides Applebee's, which is only like 10% wrong.

I have confidence in Packer fans. And it is going to be a fucking nuthouse on Sunday. Packers 21, Vikings 20.

Vegas, continued...

A spectacular post by Juice. Just a few great moments I believe he overlooked...

1) I don't know how I didn't get arrested on Thursday night. A big shout out to Juice. I vaguely remember the Margaritaville kitchen and even an underground parking ramp somewhere in there. I blame the near death turbelence on my flight for the blackout drunkeneness. I still believe in my heart that security guard was an anti-semite.

2) Friday a.m. - I shower early and start drinking early to fight off a hangover. Somehow, I end up in Bally's casino playing blackjack at 9 a.m. Turns out, the entire Griswold family sits down at the same table. Except, the Griswold's have two insanely hot daughters. I am up over $100 and Juice shows up to tell me they are leaving. I am a stupid, selfish asshole and stay. I lose the farm before heading to the Rio.

3) After drinking at the Rio all Friday afternoon, with the same Australian waitress, Sports Bottle (or somebody) busts out the "do you guys remember where I parked my car" line. We get a shake of the head and a reference to the son of God.

4) Sometime Friday (can't remember) Juice mentions the fact that we (they) made a ton of group bets, but somehow, Sportsbottle was the one to place them all. It seems nobody has track of the bets we made, except Sportsbottle. This leads to Juice calling him "Bernie Madoff", which I find fucking hilarious and still can't stop laughing about.

5) Late Friday night, Jim busts out the "Hell, Lumberg fucked her" line. This I also find hilarious and proceed to use way too much and annoy everybody else. But why not, hell, Lumberg fucked her.

6) I almost die AGAIN on my flight home. Pilot suddenly gets on intercom and tells flight attendants to sit down while they are doing their drink service. After the plane violently shakes, I hear the flaps go partially down MID FLIGHT. I have never seen this before in my few times of flying. Oh, and I almost fall asleep and die like 30 times on my way home after getting ZERO hours of sleep in the past 2 days. A big shout out to the asshole with no shame who snored like a fucking pig on the plane and also to the small Asian girls that possibly gave the entire airplane SARS (or swine flu) with their coughing and not covering their mouths.

Epic Prediction for Sunday's game

The boys over at Sportsbubbler have a great preview of what will more than likely happen during this Sunday's game.

I laughed, then I cried a little, knowing it would never happen...

What Happens In Vegas....

....Ends up getting blogged about.


Now I'm not going to sit here and throw up some insanely long post detailing every mundane detail of our trip. But I did want to give you at least a recap that might be worth a chuckle. This is especially true if you know any of the participants.


Also, I wanted to throw up some insanely long post with mundane details.


The co-stars are: Myself, Sports Bottle, Twinkie, a dude named Jim, and a dude named Spensley.


WEDNESDAY


I arrive at Sports Bottle's around midnight. Sit around not doing much. His dog tried to rape me with his nose. We go to bed with a 4:00 am wakeup call.


THURSDAY


Holy fuck is 4 am early. Especially when you aren't sleeping in your own bed. And especially when a cat is getting violated by a fucking bat or something outside your window at 3 am. SportsBottle's lovely girlfriend drove us to the airport in the sweetest Buick ever. I shun the idea of paying $15 to Midwest Airlines and carry all my shit onto the plane. And I had to cram that motherfucker into the overhead compartment. And I didn't care, because I saved $15. Somehow in the 8 foot walk to the bookstore to get a water, I managed to lose my boarding pass. Jim and I win the lottery by being the only two people on the plane to have nobody sitting next to us. It doesn't really make the flight that much more comfortable, but at least I didn't have to worry about somebody's fat roll laying on my lap or anything. No cookies because there is some bullshit rule about not cooking them before 10am or something. Turbulence was bad enough that the flight attendant actually said "This is bad." To the other one.


Finally we arrive in Vegas about 8:30 local time. We get to Bally's via taxi. (For reference, the ride took twice as long and was a 1/4 the price of a cab ride in Green Bay, which is fucking bullshit, and proves my point of bitching. But I digress). Sports Bottle and Jim go to check in while Spensley and I covertly pretend we aren't with them and go to try to scam a free drink. Of course, the dick at the bar is uninterested, even though he knows full well that there is a rule that if you put a $20 in the video poker machine, he is obligated to give you a free drink. There are alot of fucking assholes that work in Vegas as dealers and bartenders. It is a fact. Some people there are just fucking miserable about their lives. Probably because they know that they are going to spend their entire paychecks, and their sizable tips (unless Twinkie is buying your drinks) on gambling and crack. I think Vegas is probably like Hollywood, without the possibility of acting. People get addicted to the fun (which wouldn't be that hard if you are winning) or the glamour, and decide to move there to live it. And usually, it doesn't work out that well. You end up bartending or dealing, which isn't that bad, but it is the best case scenario for these people. Most end up dead, disappeared, or laying on their backs with their legs spread.


Where was I? Oh, so we check in, and decide to walk around a little bit, checking out random sportsbooks, and trying to get free drinks. None really had that option. Oh, and we drank the whole time we walked around. Stopped at the random liquor stores that we passed. Drank as much as possible. Eventually we decide that the deal at Bally's is the best. A bucket of 5 Miller Lite pint bottles for $20. Not really that great of a deal, but we were thirsty. Sat there and watched Game 5, waited for Twinkie to show up.


Game ends and we head out to walk around and gamble. Things were starting to get a bit hazy by this point. I know we went to a couple of low rent ass places on the strip with cheap drinks. Except for when Jim told me that rails were $2 at Bill's Gamblin' Hall (actual place), and it cost me $6. I guess "rail" doesn't also mean "on tap". That would be my last mixed drink of the night. At this point, I was still worried about my budget, and trying to be as cheap as I could so that I could gamble a little. We ended the night (sort of) at this place called O'Shea's, which was not Irish except for the clovers on the blackjack tables. I didn't play a whole lot, but Twinkie and Sports Bottle both played for about 13 hours. From this point on, Twinkie pretty much had no money at all. Sports Bottle was way up at one point before this stop, and the next morning claimed he was down $400. Which is almost as much as I brought along. Jim and I stood near the beer pong tables (yes, there were beer pong tables in this casino) and drank $2 beer at the bar without gambling. Jim eventually starting working on this chick. And he worked. And he worked. He was bringing the heat. I could tell. He had his best closer shit working. I think I saw him spit on the ball ala Mariano Rivera. Turns out that she was a "Butterface". And a snaggletooth. After O'Shea's, and a six run homer by Butterface, we went to Margaritaville. Which, in retrospect, was a horrible idea. All fucked up already, we order a round of Margaritas that may or may not have had anything but tequilla in them. Sports Bottle dropped his entire drink on a chair. Three of us were hanging over a balcony screaming about Jim's bachelor party, even though he is not getting married. Somehow Spensley ended up with a Corona topped off with Bacardi, which is about as bad of an idea as is possible. Eventually, the bartender refused to serve me another one, although I think they were closing. We go to head back to O'Shea's but Twinkie is nowhere to be found. He calls and starts talking about being lost and being in a kitchen. After about 20 minutes he is being led out of Margaritaville by two angry employees. I believe he had made his way into the kitchen, but we'll never be sure.


From this point, I had to babysit Twinkie back to Bally's because he was a drunken asshole. The night culminated in him somehow losing a contact in front of the main bank of elevators that lead to the hotel room and him crawling on his hands and knees looking for it, and a security guard showing up and not really enjoying it. As he was escorting us to our room (which we did not have a key for mind you) Twinkie tells the security guard "You just hate me because I'm a Jew, you fucking anti-Semite". Twinkie is definitely not Jewish, but it is possible the guard was an anti-Semite. On the belief that Sports Bottle was passed out in the room, we pound on the door for like 10 straight minutes. Twinkie pounds on other random doors. Finally, the security guard comes back to address a complaint, but Sports Bottle shows up with a key. The three of us pass out.


FRIDAY


In the morning, I wake up to the sound of Spensley falling out of bed. I go to piss and there is a newspaper on the floor in the bathroom soaked with a mystery liquid, from an unknown person. I crawl back into bed for an hour or so. I open my eyes to see a gigantic wad of chew in bed next to me (not from me). Eventually, we all get up and shower except for Spensley. Spensley is lying on the floor, with a pillow covered in chew spit, and his face covered in chew spit. He is in a coma of some type. Perhaps it was not coming back to the room until 7 am, and then falling asleep with a four finger dip in his cheek. Either way, we leave his dumb ass in the room and head to the Rio Sports Book. It was the sickest shit I've ever seen.


We had heard good things about the Rio, all of which were true. The drinks are free if you ask for one. Or if you've been there ordering drinks for 10 hours and the waitress gets tired of asking, they just keep bringing them. You don't even have to be betting, and if you are Twinkie, you don't even have to tip. Of course, betting is alot more fun, so we started betting random horses, hockey game parlays, CFL games and began to make bets for Saturday's college games.


GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY #1

We also placed a bet on the Rutgers-Army game. We had Rutgers +10 and Under 39. Rutgers goes up 17-3 after the 1st, and it looked like our parlay would be over quickly. Somehow the second quarter was scoreless. And it was a 20-3 lead at the end of the third. The teams quickly traded TDs in the fourth to make it 27-10 Rutgers. Rutgers is driving with about 3 minutes left, and have a first and goal on the 1. AND RUTGERS FUCKING FUMBLED!!! ARMY RECOVERS!!! The four of us are jumping up and down cheering. Some random New Jersyites (?) behind us are cheering too. We turn in our card after time runs out and we win....$56 between the 4 of us. See, we aren't the highest rollers in Vegas per se. Drunkest? Possibly. But cheap? Most definitely. The New Jersey guys thought it was the funniest shit ever that we made such a huge deal over $14 a piece. I think we won like 2 out of 50 horse races. Lost the hockey and CFL.


FRIDAY CON'T


The remainder of the night was interesting. After we polished off our 50th mixed drinks. (About 6 oz., fairly weak, but we were there for about 14 hours, so I don't think I'm exaggerating much). We decided to head over to Gold Coast Casino, which is a little towny joint with cheap table games and strong drinks right near the Rio. Had like 5 pretty strong Limon and Cokes, and made a relatively big dent in the House on $3 Roulette. One dealer was name Ramo and he was from Bosnia, and he kept saying "Easy Money!" in an awesome Eastern European accent. The other dealer was Jose, and he made a bunch of derogatory sexual comments about the drink waitress, including the universal jack off sign. Fun times. We also ran into "Asian Spensley". He was a guy wearing a polo shirt and a hat similar to a Spensley outfit, and was about the same height, only he was Asian and 50. We jump into a cab, and I bum a Skoal pouch from Jim, which was a horrible idea. I get out of the cab back at Bally's with a half full spitter and run face first into the marble wall at full drunk speed. I don't fall but am stunned for a moment, and I have no control over my body. I weave my way through the casino back to the room. Things are spinning about a 1000 miles an hour. Somehow, despite hovering over toilet, I manage not to puke. I pass out face first.


Spensley never made it out. About 2 p.m. we got concerned and joked that we were going to have to rent a car and bury his body in the desert because we hadn't heard anything at all from him. Finally, we got a text that just said "puking" at like 4 pm. He was in bed when we got back.


SATURDAY


Somehow, we get up early as shit so that we can get back to the Rio to get a seat for College Football. Twinkie, Spensley and I are fine. Sports Bottle and Jim? No so much. None of us are great, but when I start pounding Miller Lites at 9 a.m., the mere thought made Sports Bottle puke. He and Jim left. Twinkie tried but I wouldn't let him. The three remaining solders go on a historic horse run hitting on 5 of 9 winners, and having a community bank roll of over $35 to make $3 bets, which lasts us almost the rest of the day.


GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY #2


For some reason, we made a whole bunch of group and individual bets, that resulted in a shitload (relatively speaking) of money on Iowa against Michigan St. Perhaps it was familiarity with the Big Ten, or the undefeated record, but based on the outcome of the Iowa game we were all going to make quite a bit (relatively speaking) of money or not. The game was a Pick 'em. We all saw Wisconsin play both teams and believed that Sparty sucked. Sports Bottle finally got back for the start. It wasn't looking good for a while, but when Iowa scored on the last play the entire casino erupted. It was fucking fantastic.

SATURDAY CON'T

We all stayed until the Boise St. game was over, because we all had money to win on it, then we headed back to Bally's for some drunken roulette and Go Go dancers. Oh, and getting yelled at by the roulette dealer guy because I was too drunk to understand the rules. I ended up winning around $125 on college football, so the day was a success.

SUNDAY

Watched all the NFL games at Bally's. Didn't drink. Won like another $150 or so. Flew home around midnight. Almost died driving back to Green Bay from Milwaukee.

NEAR GREAT MOMENT IN GAMBLING HISTORY

Sports Bottle missing a 1,000 to 1 12 team parlay at the end of the afternoon games. Ended up getting 10 I think, which is fairly impossible.

MONDAY

Tired as shit.

TUESDAY

Tired as shit.

WEDNESDAY

Tired as shit.

FINAL SCORECARD:

Approx. 105 drinks (and that might be conservative)
2 meals at Sbarro's
2 meals at Nathan's
0 meals enjoyed at either one
2 meals at the Sportsbook Cafe at the Rio
2 drunken, toothless rednecks from Arkansas sitting next to me smoking in the non-smoking sportsbook on Saturday
1 number of division one colleges said toothless redneck from Arkansas thought were in the state of Iowa. (claimed to be a professional gambler)
20 rank of Miami of Ohio according to said toothless redneck from Arkansas
0 dips I will ever drunkenly do again
Cost of trip after gambling winnings, and not including plane ticket $100

Road To The Get Together Top 32: Week 8

(1) Alabama (8-0) (1) 2
(2) Iowa (8-0) (2) 4
(3) TCU (7-0) (10) 6
(4) Georgia Tech (7-1) (4) 11
(5) Florida (7-0) (7) 1
(6) Texas (7-0) (8) 3
(7) Boise St (7-0) (9) 7
(8) Cincinnati (7-0) (3) 8
(9) USC (6-1) (6) 5
(10) Oregon (6-1) (14) 10
(11) Central Michigan (7-1) (17) NR
(12) LSU (6-1) (13) 9
(13) BYU (6-2) (5) NR
(14) Pitt (7-1) (16) 15
(15) Houston (6-1) (18) 18
(16) Utah (6-1) (20) 16
(17) South Carolina (6-2) (21) 22
(18) Virginia Tech (5-2) (15) 13
(19) Penn St (7-1) (25) 12
(20) Ohio St (6-2) (23) 17
(21) Idaho (6-2) (12) NR
(22) Miami (5-2) (11) 19
(23) Richmond (7-0) (22) NR
(24) Oklahoma St. (6-1) (29) 14
(25) Navy (6-2) (27) NR
(26) South Florida (5-2) (19) NR
(27) West Virginia (6-1) (30) 21
(28) Troy (5-2) (31) NR
(29) Notre Dame (5-2) (32) 23
(30) Cal (5-2) NR 24
(31) Marshall* (5-3) NR NR
(32) Nevada* (4-3) NR NR

More fun with maps!

For the 0.1% of football fans who still might not understand why this Sunday's game between the Vikings and Packers was moved to 3:15 from their original noon starting time, please take a look at this map. I think the most interesting thing about this map, besides the fact that it looks just like an election map from 1984 (in case you were wondering, Reagan won), is that there is this chunk of rural Tennessee and Kentucky that just doesn't even have TV. That to me is awesome for some reason. They are so far from civilization that in AMERICA, they can't even get broadcast TV.

More Vegas Stuff

Since I have nothing to do but pretend to work at this job that is also pretending to pay me, I thought I would share this nugget that I retrieved while "working".

We are staying at Bally's when we go to Vegas. On November 21, 1980, there was a fire at Bally's that KILLED 85 PEOPLE and is still the largest disaster in Nevada history in terms of loss of life. Well fuck me. It is a good thing that I find ghosts that are horribly burned to be a turn on.

The Art of The Spitball

Great Moments In OJSFA History

Lets put aside for a second the fact that Mark decided for some reason to put his wedding over fielding a complete team this week. It is what it is. Mark didn't start a TE or DEF. Fine. I get it. I'll admit I'm lucky. But consider what happened last night, and tell me it isn't super fucking cool. Or at least dramatic.

I needed about 27 points from Dr. Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates. The pair got out of the gates quickly, and put up about 22 in the first half. For a second, I almost thought I was going to breeze to a win. Then, Denver once again turned into the reincarnation of the Orange Crush of the 1970's and started to destroy San Diego's offensive line. By the end of the 3rd quarter, I still was down 5. San Diego managed like 19 yards offense in the third quarter. Cue up the two minute warning. STILL down about five. San Diego goes into hurry up mode. Rivers completes a 15 yard or so pass. Next play he gets fucking drilled, fumbles (which is minus 2) only the ball bounces off the ground, directly back into Rivers hands. He completes a few more passes, putting me within a point or so. Next play, 1:37 left, his arm gets hit as he throws, somehow the ball goes forward, but is super high in the air and floats for about five yards, where Gates comes out of nowhere to catch it for a 10 yard gain to put me ahead by my .58 point margin of victory. But it doesn't stop there. The next play, Rivers is drilled in the back and FUMBLES AGAIN. But this time it is recovered by an O-lineman. I almost shat myself watching the last two minutes of an 11 point game. I had a miraculous catch of a floater, that just happened to be by my TE. Had it been anyone else, I lose. I had TWO near lost fumbles in the last 4 plays, either one of which costs me the game. Does it matter to me that I should've won easily, or that Mark left 60 points on his bench. Fuck. No.

I would vote this into a top 10 moment in OJSFA history somewhere alongside the reversed McNabb TD on a Wednesday a few years back that cost Schmock a win. The DeSean Jackson fumble at the one on a flubbed celebration. And the Westbrook kneel down at the one. Any others come to mind?


This is just the continuation of what has been a great week so far (Packer win, easy work week, two great baseball games, Vegas trip). I just hope Karma doesn't reverse itself on Thursday and our plane crashes or something.

"DAVID V. GOLIATH"

Someone seriously said on ESPN that Jimmy Rollins' walk-off last night off of Jonathan Broxton was a David and Goliath moment. WHAT? Didn't Rollins win the MVP like 2 years ago? What the fuck? Did I miss something? I realize Rollins has had his struggles this year, but David v. Goliath? Its not like some 8 year old hit Broxton's 99 mph fastball for a walk off double. The media is stupid.

VEGAS

We were one out away from 2 guaranteed games in Vegas. At least the Halos came through. I just came to the realization that I am only sleeping in my bed once more before Vegas. 46 hours until takeoff.

I have made the executive decision not to check a bag, because I refuse to pay the airline $20 extra. I don't care if I have to spend $20 buying little bottles of shampoo. I'm not doing it.

MORE CAB STUFF

I was informed of a few missing details by my wife from the cab ride. First, there were like 15 bobble heads attached to the dude's dashboard, which makes no sense. Second, is a little bit longer story. There is this new restaurant in GB called Longhorn Steakhouse, which I'm pretty sure is a chain. Regardless, it just opened in GB about a month and a half ago. I haven't been there, so I have no details. Anyway, in the drunken conversation with the cabbie, this place somehow came up. The cabbie allegedly said that he had been there TWENTY EIGHT TIMES since it opened. Which, my wife allegedly responded "That is like every other day for a month! How do you afford that?" If the response was anything other than "I charge $175 an hour to drive a van." He was lying. Also, there is no fucking way the guy could afford to eat McDonald's 28 times in 45 days. Why would you make that shit up?

Cab Drivers Stealing from Drunken Customers

$35. That is how much I paid for a drunken cab ride home at 1:30 a.m. on Saturday. According to Google Maps that is a 12 min cab ride, 8.4 miles in total. Only the last three blocks would have a speed limit under 45 mph. That is $175 per hour for those not good at math. About the same as Twinkie's divorce attorney is going to charge him per hour after his wife finds out what he did in Vegas next weekend. Also, the attorney went to school for about 7 years, has a license that is relatively difficult to obtain, and has to deal with a ton of bullshit. The cab driver is an 8th grade dropout, who hasn't showered in 7 years, and has a license that everyone on earth over the age of 16 has. I'm just sayin'.

Somehow, this same exact cab ride has varied from between $20 and $35 over the past few years. Yet nobody can explain it to me. Partially because they can pretty much charge whatever the fuck they want because they now know where I live, and partially because I'm at a .34. The key is to pass out like Richard. That way you never have to pay for the cab. And you get to stay at my house and be fed for free. (Fucking deadbeat). Also, just sayin'.

The point of this article is that I have no point. I have relatively few things to do at work this week. I have a full day tomorrow, and a half day on Wednesday, with a seminar the other half day. Then, it is off to Vegas where I plan to make more money in 72 hours than I will in the next 72 months. My liver hurts just thinking about it. Also, low 80's and sunny every day. Fuckin' a.

OTHER NOTES:

-The wedding was great, fun was had by all. We may just have to do it again for Schmock in November.

-The Packers had the worst 26-0 win ever yesterday. I gave the Lions WAY too much credit this year. They didn't even try. I realize they had no Megatron, but holy shit were they awful. Marquand Manuel (who has his own OJSFA award based on how bad he was during his season in Green Bay 4 years ago)? How is that guy doing anything but bagging groceries? Ditto for Ryan "2.9 yds a carry" Grant.

-Fucking Vikings. What other team would have the other team miss a 44 yard FG in a dome to win?

-I may still lose to Mark's half fantasy football team due to the fact that Moss and Schaub scored like 100 points by themselves yesterday. Need 27 from Rivers/Gates, which should be done, but you never know.

-59-0. Yikes.

-Fucking Jeter just hit a leadoff homer. This is starting to hamper the possibility of an ALCS game in Vegas.

Road to The Get Together Top 32: Week 7

This week, we get down to the real business. The BCS is out. And the BCS is stupid and wrong. It is based 2/3 on reputation and potential, and 1/3 computers. My rankings are based on what you have done on the field so far. It is as simple as that. New this week, the teams marked with an asterisks would get into the Get Together with an automatic bid based on a conference title. Will Virginia win the ACC? Likely not, but right now they are technically in first. Also new is that the final number is BCS ranking instead of AP.

(1) Alabama (7-0) (1) 2
(2) Iowa (7-0) (2) 6
(3) Cincinnati (6-0) (10) 5
(4) Georgia Tech (6-1) (13) 12
(5) BYU (6-1) (8) 16
(6) USC (5-1) (16) 7
(7) Florida (6-0) (6) 1
(8) Texas (6-0) (18) 3
(9) Boise St (6-0) (9) 4
(10) TCU (6-0) (7) 8
(11) Miami (5-1) (17) 10
(12) Idaho (6-1) (15) NR
(13) LSU (5-1) (4) 9
(14) Oregon (5-1) (5) 11
(15) Virginia Tech (5-2) (3) 14
(16) Pitt (6-1) (21) 20
(17) Central Michigan (6-1) (23) NR
(18) Houston (5-1) (25) 17
(19) South Florida (5-1) (11) 21
(20) Utah (5-1) (28) 18
(21) South Carolina (5-2) (14) 24
(22) Richmond (6-0) (27) NR
(23) Ohio St (5-2) (12) 19
(24) Texas Tech (5-2) NR NR
(25) Penn St (6-1) (30) 13
(26) Kansas (5-1) (19) 25
(27) Navy (5-2) NR NR
(28) Tulsa (4-2) (26) NR
(29) Oklahoma St. (5-1) NR 15
(30) West Virginia (5-1) NR 23
(31) Troy* (4-2) NR NR
(32) Virginia* (3-3) NR NR

Most incorrect BCS Ranks or non-ranks: Idaho (under ranked by 20+), Central Michigan (15+), Richmond (10+), BYU (11), Penn St. (Over ranked by 12), Oklahoma St. (Over ranked by 14), Wisconsin (Over ranked by 11+), Arizona (Over ranked by 10+)

Loaf's Top Ten Managers OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!

This is a list of my top ten baseball managers of all time. It has nothing to do with quality, it is simply based on the influence each manager had on my life. Plus, the fact that I like looking at pictures of these strange looking men.*

*I think this sentence sounds funny, but I couldn't make it not sound gay. I think pictures of managers are funny. Sue me!

10. Ozzie Guillen

Just fun to listen to him talk and he did this for me. Percent chance that one day Ozzie becomes bench coach for Ron Gardenhire, or vice versa, 60%?


9. Lou Piniella*

I really liked that 1990 Cincinnati Reds team with Eric Davis, Barry Larkin, Chris Sabo, and the Nasty Boys. Then he managed the Seattle Mariners during the Griffey years. Now he is the senile manager of baseball's sorriest team.

* Number 9 and 10, teamed up to make this.

8. Ned Yost

I just love how he was fired with a week to go in the season, while in the midst of a pennant run. That says a lot. Also, enjoyed that constant grumbling about him from the less fortunate brewers fans.

7. Sparky Anderson

His inclusion on the list has nothing to do with the Big Red Machine. He's the only thing I can remember from the Tigers team that the Twins beat in 1987. I know the Tigers had Jack Morris, but I have no memory of him actually doing anything in 1987. How many cigarettes has this guy smoked in his life? 10 million?

6. Whitey Herzog

The other half of the managers the Twins faced in 1987. God, he loved stolen bases. I don't know why I think he wears Hawaiian shirts in his free time.

5. Tony La Russa

Just been around forever and always has good teams. I think it's safe to say that I have been overexposed to Tony La Russa.* Too much can be a bad thing, ask Tony.

*No one has ever admitted that. I watch too much baseball.

4. Tom Kelly*

He should be higher in this list, but I never actually cared for him. Did win two World Series, but also coached some of the worst teams in baseball history. He loved shitty white guys and has passed this trait down to higher members of this list.

*This picture was the 6th picture when I googled Tom Kelly. I can see the resemblance.

3. Cito Gaston

Terrible manager on awesome teams. Looks funny, never heard him speak before. Took like a 12 year hiatus to come back to a job he was fired from. Doesn't age (at least in my mind). 79th most wins by a manager of all time. Just an interesting man.

2. Dan Alipierto*

My junior varsity baseball coach. He was great. When my regular jv coach was fired for having an affair with a student (true), Mr. Alipierto was summoned from the Mounds View YMCA to coach a rag tag team of misfits in an ultra-competitive Minnesota baseball league. His first act as coach was to eliminate all calistenics and to encourage swearing. He would taunt opposing teams and would hang out afterwards. I found his driver's license on the ground and used it for a fake i.d. when I was 17. Of course, we went undefeated and I had the best baseball season of my life. He was my Ozzie Guillen.

*Interestingly he was recently in the news for a new baseball team that he coaches.

1. Ron Gardenhire

As my life settles down, one thing remains constant. The Minnesota Twins. Right now it's me and Gardy. We will grow old together.

I know too much about his tendencies. I know what he is gonna say in a press conference. I know who he thinks his best middle infielder is. I know he likes to get kicked out of games. I know he thinks the closer only pitches in save situations. I know his players try hard for him. I know he likes intensity and intangibles. I know he's the best manager in Twins history (sigh). I know he can't beat that Yankees. I just don't know why?

Hire Ned Yost

C'mon Houston. I'm sick of having to occasionally lose when we play you. Plus, I look forward to seeing him stare blankly like he was squeezing out a turd when the camera focuses in on him on the bench.

Odd Decision

Can anyone explain to me the rationale of playing Game 2 of the NLCS at 3:07 CST on a Friday? Don't get me wrong, that just means I have something to do besides work, and something to listen to on the radio besides local sports talk, but I just find it strange. As far as I can remember, they haven't played a day game in the LCS or World Series in years and years. I know they used to, but it has been a really long time. Also, why play the game in LA in the afternoon? That game is starting at 1 p.m. in L.A. It sucks for people there with, I dunno, jobs. Good chance to play hooky I guess. Go Dodgers.

R.I.P. Our Friend Mark

Weddings are a magical time. A time when love between a man and a woman (or a man and a man or woman and women, but definitely not between a man and a llama) is solemnized in front of (Sports Bottle's) god for all of time (or until the bitch cheats). It tends to get dusty at weddings (fuck you guys) as well. But mostly, if you aren't the one getting married, it is a time to put on a tux, stand in place for an hour in a hot ass church, and look at your watch every 14 seconds and ask yourself "Is this shit almost over yet? Fuck! I'm thirsty and I know there is a couple of cases of beer in that bus in the parking lot." It is also a time to check the score of the Badger game every 3 minutes on your BlackBerry. It is a time to eat family style broasted chicken when you are super ass drunk. It is a time to get blacked out while Richard gets his third wind, requests "Billie Jean" and dances his face off. And finally, it is a time to mourn the death of a good friend. So if you aren't at the wedding (or if you are) at around 2 p.m., I would ask you to pour out some of that 40 oz for Mark. It was nice to know you.

MORE VEGAS

In response to my brother's semi-monthly post. Sorry about the date switch, wish you could be there. Sports Bottle takes full blame for this because he had 7 other vacations to squeeze in and plan around, and I guess this works better. I hope you really did send me that check. I might toss a few bucks on the under for Bucks wins as well. I bet the O/U is like 35. Also, sign up for Fantasy Basketball you fuck. I don't care if you ever check your roster, but we are stuck at 7 right now and need an even number. Fucking Jeff Higgins. Goddamn was that awesome. But I seriously hope we don't run into him. 5 days, 22 hours until takeoff.

PICKS

Last Week: 8-6
Season: 41-35
All-Time: 175-161-8

Cin (-5), Det (+14), Min (-3), NYG (+3), Pit (-15), Car (-3), Was (-7), Jax (-10), Ari (+3), Phi (-15), NE (-10), NYJ (-10), Atl (-3), SD (-4)

A few comments on the lines. Didn't Jacksonville just lose 41-0 last week? How the fuck are they favored by 10 over anybody???? And yet I picked them because the Rams are that bad. Also, that Philly over Oakland line could be 30 and I would probably take it.

Green Bay wins 34-24. I don't think the Lions are that bad. They've looked feisty this year. But if Megatron is out, I don't see any way they beat us. I figure they will get a TD on special teams, and BF Culpepper will run one in. A-Rodg should have a big day despite getting sacked 9 times. Grant doesn't make to the sidelines until the middle of the second quarter because he falls down every 2.9 yards trying to walk from the locker room to the sidelines. B-Jax makes a good debut in his place averaging like 5 yds a carry and getting 6 catches out of the backfield, but McCarthy then promptly benches him for Grant with no rhyme or reason.

I think (#22)Bucky eeks one out v. (#2)Iowa for some reason. It is a good rivalry game, and always close regardless of record. I'm seeing 21-20 for some reason.

UFL and Fancy Coffee

Accidentally came across a UFL game last night while flipping channels. These are the things that happen when you don't have shit to do and baseball takes an NBA style break between series. I'm not really sure what I was watching to be honest. First of all, the game was between something called the Las Vegas Locomotives (or "Locos" as they are known worldwide) and the Florida Tuskers. A few observations:

-The uniforms are hideous. The Locos wore silver colored jerseys and helmets, with a teal/babyblue pant. The Tuskers had the same weird blue colored jerseys and pants, with a neon green stripe for good measure.

-The football itself wasn't horrible. If by horrible you don't mean playing in front of 10,000-ish people in a 50,000 seat stadium, with music blaring between every play, hideous uniforms by both the player and the refs (a red shirt and black pants. I thought they were on field coaches at first). But seriously though, it was football.

-At some point, if they make any money at all, which is doubtful, I could see it being some type of minor league to the NFL.

-I would never be able to get into it until there is either a team in Wisconsin or a Packers affiliate.

-On the Roster for the Locos: J.P. Losman, Marcel Shipp, Teddy Lehman. For the Tuskers: Brooks Bollinger, Tatum Bell, Michael Pittman, Todd Saurbrun. It was seriously like picking up Madden '04.

OTHER STUFF

Is this Russia? Did we move to Russia and I didn't realize it? I'm sitting here drinking a Coke Zero. Because I was too tired when I got up to go to work this morning to make coffee, I decided I would go buy a $3 coffee at one of the two coffee shops on my direct route to work. Except that at 5:45 a.m. neither of them was fucking open. I find two things wrong with this picture. 1) It is fucking coffee, and it is usually consumed in the fucking morning. Close at fucking noon if you want, but be open when people with jobs are fucking going to work. 2) Generally, people who are willing spend $3 on a coffee, can also afford it, and also have jobs. And perhaps those people need to leave their homes before 6 a.m. This is just poor business, and also communist. Its not like I was up at 3 a.m. looking for a fucking Starbucks. A lot of people have to be to work by 6:30. But I guess those people aren't allowed to drink coffee.

OJSFA Week 6 Preview

Man, I hate when I get raped like I did last week. It is a good thing I only have to wait a week to get my revenge on Twinkie. And NOT, I repeat NOT, in fantasy football.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Schmock's Team (3-2) v. Faribault Frauleins (Loaf Cobra) (3-2)

Schmock continues to be undefeated against any team not named after a vehicle used by O.J. Simpson (driven by A.C. DAMMIT!) to escape police in 1994. The Frauleins continue to win despite really not having a very good team on paper. Perhaps I should pay more attention to paper.

Line: Schmock by 8
History: Frauleins lead 2-0

OTHER GAMES:

The White Broncos (Juicelaw)(3-2) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (Mark)(2-3)

Mark will be dead before this game starts. Will his team respond? That is the real question here. By the way, Mark has already doubled his all-time win total in 5 games this season.

Line: Broncos by 21 1/2
History: Broncos lead 2-0

Clown Baby (2-3) v. Heywood Jablome (Sports Bottle)(3-2)

Mike Sims-Walker single handedly knocked Sports Bottle out of first place last week. To fix that problem, he spent $746 (approximately) of the $100 we had to spend on waiver claims for a QB that threw 4 TDs against Jacksonville, which might be the worst defense not named St. Louis in the league. His name is Matt Hasslebeck and if his back doesn't fall off this week, he may actually have a good game.

Line: Heywood by 24
History: Tied 4-4

RIP Billie Jean (Twinkie) (5-0) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (Richard) (1-4)

Twinkie continues to roll. Ricky continues to shit himself every week. Only reason this wasn't the worst game is that luck should count for something, and Twinkie has plenty of that.

Line: Billie Jean by 33
History: A-Rodg leads 3-2

SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK:

Marino for Prez (Duper) (2-3) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (Bear)(1-4)

Bear's team sucks. Even on paper. Roddy White catching 8 TD passes last week couldn't get him a win.

Line: Marino by 5
History: Tied 1-1

Can We Bring Him Along? Pleeease?

Since I obviously love where all of this is going, I thought of a quote that ties all this talk of Sports Bottle's God and Vegas into one tight little package (not involving little boys, edit THAT fucker).

"And the Pope is infallible, we're taught that, Pope can't make a mistake, so I don't know why the Catholic church just doesn't take that motherfucker to Vegas. 'All right, put all the Catholic churches money on 17 black.' [casino sound] '32 red, I'm sorry.' 'No, I don't think you heard, he said 17 black! Thank you! Let's go to Bellagio!""

--David Cross.

He Died For Our Sins, and I Appreciate It

I'm liking where the comments from a previous post are heading. It may be time for me to unveil my thoughts on arks with 2 of every animal, a certain someone walking on water and turning water into wine or that said someone rising from the dead. I paraphrase one of my favorite Family Guy quotes of all time - "How Christian of you. Believe what I believe or I'll hurt you." But maybe I'll refrain myself. That may take this blog in a direction that our Blogmaster might not enjoy along with probably pissing a lot of people off.

In other news - 8 days til Vegas. Not sure how I should greet Twinkie when he gets there. I also can't remember what time Twinkie is getting there. If it's any time after noon I will not be sober so a very large man-hug may seem suitable when he arrives. My girlfriend wasn't too happy when I told her I'll be changing into shorts as soon as we arrive. And just so you guys know, I plan on spending the majority of the daylight hours couped up in a sports book somewhere. The sports book needs to be utilized b/c it's something that can only be used during regular hours. Everything else we do in Vegas can be done 24 hours a day. Besides, you can sit in a sports book for 12 hours, drink non stop, bet minimally and have a great time watching sports all day. I also plan on sports book hunting to determine which is the best. The goal is to find a place with free drinks as long as you're betting. We're staying at Bally's. I hear they're sports book is nice.

(Sports Bottle's) God bless you all!

I'm a Meteorologist

Thursday: 82 and sunny
Friday: 81 and sunny

GB has 51 w/ rain and 48.

7 days, 22 hours until take off

Vegas Forecast Day 1

Yeah, it is like 9 days early, but fuck it:

Thursday in Vegas: 81, sunny, 0% chance of rain
Thursday in Green Bay: 51, 60% chance or rain

This day on Twitter!

So a week or so ago, Black Monday, we lost to the Queens on MNF. A day or two after that Bernard Berrian, otherwise known on Twitter as B_Twice commented, what a great weekend for Minnesota sports! Cuz of the Twins and all that shit. Anyways! When I saw that I tweeted at him saying "At least we kept the axe you son of a bitch" and to my surprise he actually responded by saying something to the effect of "I ain't no son of a bitch, I'm the son of a lovely woman". Well because of that I decided to follow him on Twitter, figuring if you can get a fish to nibble once I might be able to land it later on. My biggest plan for Twitter is to get into an epic argument with someone that has some sort of celebrity status and gain some notoriety and exposure for our blog that has 3 regular readers, all of whom are probably also authors for said blog.

Anywho, today he tweets the following, "Just saw a hockey highlight and saw the teams name is the devils. Wow!! How many of u could play for a team with the name the Devils?".

Let that sink in for a minute. This guy is bitching about the word Devils? Really? Sure it's easy for you to put out fake morals and ethics about a word when you are already, for the most part undeservedly, receiving millions of dollars, but then you have the audacity to ask others if they could ever play for that team? Throwing out a hypothetical question to elicit a conditioned response from the masses of people who follow you, just so that they will agree with you and you can all nod your head at the same time for the same reason. The Jersey Devil is a mythical creature, which is what the New Jersey Devils were named after, they are not doing it to promote Satanic rituals or some other crazy shit.

And here's a fact for you Bernard, the answer to your question is, everyone! Everyone who is making less money than whatever they would make if they were good enough to play for the New Jersey Devils, because ethical and moral clarity is a fun trait to have when dealing with hypothetical questions, but when the hypothetical becomes reality you can bet your ass 99.99999% of the people who said no would flip their answer in a heartbeat. Especially with something as trivial as a stupid name derived from a mythical creature which has nothing to do with your "Sun revolves around the Earth" religion.

I'm not sure why that pissed me off so much or why I even bothered to write this out, probably because he's a member of the Queens. Man I really hate the Queens...

Rooting Interests, Gas Cans, F*ckfaces & Drinks

I have had this issue come up and I want to clarify my position on it for the benefit of, well nobody fucking reads this, so for myself. It has come to my attention that the bosses' wife, who is loud and opinionated at all times, and whom I have almost physically assaulted on numerous occasions because her views are always directly opposite of mine, roots for the Vikings when they are not playing the Packers. My boss had made a comment about how she needed to "tone it down" or something, then proceeded to tell me that he roots for "NFC Central" teams when the Packers aren't playing or are eliminated or whatever.

Not surprisingly, I have a problem with this.

Now buckle up, because here comes my opinion. In professional sports, especially the NFL, you are not allowed to root for any of your rivals. In the Packers case this especially means the teams in their division. If the Packers are out of it, it doesn't matter. No amount of joy is allowed to come to Viking, Bear or Lion fans. Ever. Period.

Well, you might say, why can't I root for a team from our division out of some bullshit divisional pride? It doesn't work that way in the NFL. There is no real divisional pride. Divisions are created by geography and on occasion to preserve old rivalries. They are not a separate entity. In football, all teams are generally on the same economic level, so it isn't like the NFC North is a bunch of mid-majors that carry the aura of the Midwest (like the NL Central might in baseball, but I've already laid out those rooting rules. Much of which have to do with economics). The other teams in our divisions are just a bunch of pricks with asshole fans who root against my team.

The only time in my mind that it is acceptable to root for a rival at all is in baseball (where I laid out the rules two weeks ago) in rare occasions, and in college sports. In college sports, it is acceptable to root for a Big Ten or Missouri Valley team in the postseason, as a way to validate your team, because conferences are separate entities. The Big Ten are competing as a league with the SEC, Big 12, etc. for revenue. Plus, if the Big Ten team wins, the other teams in the Big Ten benefit by sharing the money, and potentially earning more TV revenue, because again, they are all separate entities. College is completely different from the pros.

So, in closing, if you root for the Vikings, Bears, or Lions at any time, you are not a Packer fan at any time either. And you are a fucking moron.

GAS CANS

The number of saves blown in the playoffs so far have been unreal. Off the top of my head, Joe Nathan, Jonathan Papelbon, Huston Street, Ryan Madson and Ryan Franklin have all completely melted down at least once in a save situation. And all of these guys are "front line" closers. I can't decide if this validates the Brewers signing Hoffman because good closers are so hard to find, or if it tells you that no matter how much you spend, these guys can still cost you the season.

GREAT game last night by the way. I'm pretty disappointed in my rooting interests performances so far. For those keeping score at home, you should be rooting for the Dodgers over Phillies (because let's face it, people from Philly are assholes. This is completely based on the fight I nearly got into after "4th and 26" with an Eagles fan) and Angels over Yankees. Let's just hope they can get to game 6 in both series so we can watch in Vegas.

F*CKFACES

"This is the most talented team I've ever been a part of". -- He Who Shall Not Be Named. Who must've been blacked out on pills during 1996 and 1997, when the Packers had two of the best teams probably ever. Adrian Peterson is clearly better than any running back he ever had (Ahman Green isn't that far off either), but name me one other player that could've started on either of those teams. Maybe one of the Williamses? He Who Shall Not Be Named at age 40 would not be starting over himself at 27. He is a fucking moron and I hope he dies a tragic death at some point this season.

DRINKS

Mark's wedding Saturday. I might have a few drinks. We'll see how I feel.

It just occurred to me that I have just 6.5 days of work left until Vegas. I may also have a few drinks there too.

Road to The Get Together Top 32: Week 6

Rank, Team, Record, Last Week, AP Rank

(1) Alabama (6-0) (1) 2
(2) Iowa (6-0) (3) 11
(3) Virginia Tech (5-1) (7) 4
(4) LSU (5-1) (2) 10
(5) Oregon (5-1) (10) 13
(6) Florida (5-0) (25) 1
(7) TCU (5-0) (13) 12
(8) BYU (5-1) (15) 18
(9) Boise St (5-0) (4) 5
(10) Cincinnati (5-0) (5) 8
(11) South Florida (5-0) (6) 21
(12) Ohio St (5-1) (14) 7
(13) Georgia Tech (5-1) (21) 19
(14) South Carolina (5-1) (16) 22
(15) Idaho (5-1) (23) NR
(16) USC (4-1) (8) 6
(17) Miami (4-1) (11) 9
(18) Texas (5-0) (18) 3
(19) Kansas (5-0) (19) 17
(20) Auburn (5-1) (9) NR
(21) Pitt (5-1) (28) NR
(22) Wisconsin (5-1) (12) NR
(23) Central Michigan (5-1) NR NR
(24) Nebraska (4-1) NR 15
(25) Houston (4-1) (32) 23
(26) Tulsa (4-1) (17) NR
(27) Richmond (5-0) (29) NR
(28) Utah (4-1) NR 24
(29) New Hampshire (5-0) (30) NR
(30) Penn St (5-1) (31) 14
(31) William & Mary (5-1) (23) NR
(32) Notre Dame (4-1) (27) 25

Was That Wrong? Should I Not Have Done That?

I don't advocate stabbings (unless it is to Viking or Bear fans). But seriously, don't stab people. And clearly this was self-defense. I mean the guy DID follow him outside to "confront him about his behavior" AKA try to fight the guy, not realizing the guy had a knife. I'm certain the Viking fan in question was simply trying to spread the word of (Sports Bottle's) god and is not at fault at all. Glad the guy isn't dead.

My alternate theory is that the non-Packer fan dude was a He Who Shall Not Be Named Fan who called himself a Packer fan, and the real Packer fan was the dude with the knife.

Mother Nature Is A Dirty Whore

At least this isn't next weekend when I'm likely going to have to stand outside for at least some portion of Mark's wedding. But seriously, it is October.

Week 5 Picks

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 33-29
All-Time: 167-155-8

Min (-10), Bal (-8.5), Car (-3.5), Pit (-10.5), Dal (-8), NYG (-16), Phil (-15.5), Buf (-6), Atl (+2.5), Hou (+5.5), Den (+3.5), Ind (-4), Mia (+2), Sea (NL)

Also: Bucky 17, Ohio St. 16/Packers 27, Bye Week 16 (But Rodgers is sacked 8 times)

OJSFA Week 5 Preview

Just because I felt like doing it today.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

The White Broncos (3-1) v. RIP Billie Jean (4-0)

I will be without my QB, TE, RB3 and DEF. Billie Jean will be without Jay Cutler.

Line: Broncos by 7 1/2
History: Broncos lead 5-3

OTHER GAMES:

Marino for Prez (1-3) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (1-3)

A near miss for the shit game of the week. Things could change slightly if Duper goes with McNabb. Also, Bear's team is not living up to expectations, to put it mildly. I mean, they are wildly disappointing.

Line: Jolly by 16 1/2
History: Jolly leads 1-0

Clown Baby (2-2) v. Faribault Frauleins (2-2)

Rashard Mendenhall could be a huge pickup for the Frauleins, especially since he's on his second team since being drafted by me. Good work Twinkie. Prediction 13 carries, 38 yds, 0TD.

Line: Frauleins by 12
History: Clown Baby leads 1-0

Schmock's Team (2-2) v. Heywood Jablome (3-1)

Heywood is exhausted from playing three primetime games already. Looking forward to the week off against Schmock. Schmock is happy to not be playing me (0-2 v. me, 2-0 v. rest of the league). Schmock will not be harmed by an LDT bye, SportsBottle will not be harmed by a Mason Crosby bye.

Line: Schmock by 1
History: Heywood leads 4-2

SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK (CENTURY??)

A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-3) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (1-3)

This truly is the NFL equivalent of the Browns v. Raiders, or Rams v. Lions, or Insert Shitty Team Here v. Insert Shitty Team Here. To make things even worse, Ass Clowns are without Brees, who gives them like the only chance to win. (Although he has Schaub which is probably the best backup in the league) Except that it appears that Richard may have quit completely. (Gore seems to still be injured). He is filling his roster with injured dudes (Gore (leg), McFadden (something), Braylon Edwards (LeBron bitch slap), Westbrook (will be hurt next week). Want to deal for Gonzalez? But seriously, Ass Clowns get a pass because his life is ending next weekend.

Line: Ass Clowns by 30 (!!!)
History: Grapefruit leads 1-0

Do not Fuck with Lebron

I think this should be a lesson to anyone living in the greater Cleveland metro area, hell the whole state of Ohio, oh hell the entire country. DO... NOT... FUCK... WITH... LEBRON... JAMES

Seriously, they will ship your ass out in a cardboard box, with no air holes punched in it, for less than the value of said cardboard box. Not that Edwards was any sort of must keep on your team, must put up with any of his bullshit type of player, he was definitely expendable if he became a problem player, but wow that was quick.

I'm dead serious here people, I'm tempted to go up and sock Lebron in the face and see how quickly they decide that since the majority of my ancestors were German, they should just deport my ass back to Deutschland.

UW at the Horseshoe

Did anyone else see that UW is a SIXTEEN POINT underdog?!?!?!? Really!?!?!? I'm not saying Bucky will win, but there is no fucking way they get blown out by more than two touchdowns. If gambling were legal, or I was in Vegas, I would bet heavily on UW. Also, UW is ranked #12 and Ohio St. is #14 in case you missed the Top 32 this week.

F#ck The Twins

Great game yesterday, that I saw none of because I had shit to do. Did anyone else realize that the Twinkies have won FIVE division titles in 8 years?!?!? Does anyone deserve happiness less than people from Minnesota? (Perhaps FIBs, I'll give you that). As much as it pains me, I am contractually obligated based on my agreements with (Sports Bottle's) god and Satan (He Who Shall Not Be Named) to root against whomever plays the Yankees in the playoffs. Here are the postseason baseball rooting rules in case you didn't know. This comes from a Brewers fan who has had almost nothing to cheer for after August 1st in his entire life.

1) Always root for your team if they are in it. Never root "for" another team, only root against teams.

2) Once your team is out, root against the 1)Yankees, 1a)Cubs, 2)Red Sox and 3)Twins in that order. So essentially it breaks down like this:
- If the Yankees are in it, you root against them no matter what. If they play the Cubs, you root for an explosion that kills both teams and their fans.
- You root against the Red Sox unless they are playing the Cubs or Yankees.
- You root against the Twins unless they are playing the Red Sox, Cubs or Yankees.

3) If the above four are gone, pick a large market team, a divisional rival, or a team with lots of past success to root against. The Dodgers, Mets, Angels, Cards, Phillies fit in nicely here.

Follow these rules and you will be hanging on every pitch in the post season. Rooting against the Yankees is spectacular, especially when drinking. I remember the year I was a huge Angels fan because they played the Twins and I was going to school in La Crosse and there were a lot of people from Minnesota there. I remember where I was when I saw Luis Gonzalez (who was definitely not on steroids) hit that bloop over Jeter's head to win the world series. I remember when I was living in Omaha being a gigantic Marlins fan during the Bartman series against the Cubs because any state without a baseball team from the midwest is automatically a gigantic Cubs town, which is fucking annoying.

This year, the first round rooting interests are as follows: Twins over Yankees, Angels over Red Sox, Rockies over Phillies, Cardinals over Dodgers (in a very close one).

MY NOT COMMITTING SUICIDE EVEN THOUGH I DESPERATELY WANTED TO GAME RECAP:

-We didn't block anyone.
-A-Rodg held onto the ball too long at times.
-Donald Lee can't catch.
-He Who Shall Not Be Named has been standing untouched in the pocket for two days looking for and finding an open receiver.
-He Who Shall Not Be Named deserves some credit for not sucking (much of which is due to the fact that he had all day to throw and nobody covered any receivers all day)
-That being said, I would still rather have A-Rodg, and it isn't close.
-Derrick Martin should be flipping burgers tomorrow.
-Are we sure that Chilly didn't invade McCarthy's body on that 1st quarter challenge?
-The offense moved the ball despite the sacks and penalties
-The run defense looked great.
- Overall, at 2-2 the season isn't over. I expected 3-1, and I expected to lose that game. It is hard to be super disappointed.
-I think I caught H1N1 from semen being splashed by either Gruden or He Who Shall Not Be Named when Gruden was giving him head. Madden hates He Who Shall Not Be Named compared to Gruden. It was incredible, and annoying.
-I think what pissed me off the most about the coverage (other than the fact that His name was mentioned approximately 1.3 million times, including non-stop when the Packers had the ball), was the camera feeds from "He Who Shall Not Be Named's Steakhouse". It was a total fucking joke for a number of reasons. First, nobody fucking goes there to watch Packer games. OF COURSE there was going to be a couple of jackasses in Viking jerseys watching the game there. It painted an unfair picture of Green Bay like there are 50% of people walking around wearing He Who Shall Not Be Named Viking jerseys. There are like six people in Green Bay that would wear that shit, and they were all at He Who Shall Not Be Named's Steakhouse. So that really, really pissed me off. That and them constantly showing that bitch Deanna and His slut daughter.
- If the next game could be treated just as a Packer-Viking game, I would now be fine with Him playing QB for the Vikings. Doesn't mean I hate him any less, or that He is ever welcome back, but I think part of the difficulty was the initial shock, etc. Now he is a Viking forever, and I'm no longer personally offended. I just will never acknowledge him by name, and people should not ever think of Him as a Packer again.

I suppose I should work now.

As If Things Couldn't Get More Stressful...

...Fucking Scott Stapp is singing the national anthem. Not making this up. Fucking Minnesota. Hanson wasn't available? Jesus Fucking Christ.

Road to The Get Together Top 32: Week 5

Rank, Team, Record, Last Week, AP Rank

(1) Alabama (5-0) (1) 3
(2) LSU (5-0) (4) 4
(3) Iowa (5-0) (3) 12
(4) Boise St (5-0) (2) 6
(5) Cincinnati (5-0) (6) 8
(6) South Florida (5-0) (10) 23
(7) Virginia Tech (4-1) (11) 5
(8) USC (4-1) (18) 7
(9) Auburn (5-0) (15) 17
(10) Oregon (4-1) (12) 13
(11) Miami (3-1) (31) 11
(12) Wisconsin (5-0) (21) NR
(13) TCU (4-0) (16) 10
(14) Ohio St (4-1) (26) 9
(15) BYU (4-1) (19) 18
(16) South Carolina (4-1) (13) 25
(17) Tulsa (4-1) (29) NR
(18) Texas (4-0) (5) 2
(19) Kansas (4-0) (7) 16
(20) Missouri (4-0) (9) 24
(21) Georgia Tech (4-1) NR 22
(22) Stanford (4-1) (28) NR
(23) Idaho (4-1) (30) NR
(24) Villanova (5-0) (24) NR
(25) Florida (4-0) (14) 1
(26) Michigan (4-1) (8) NR
(27) Notre Dame (4-1) NR NR
(28) Pitt (4-1) NR NR
(29) Richmond (4-0) (22) NR
(30) New Hampshire (4-0) NR NR
(31) Penn St (4-1) NR 14
(32) Houston (3-1) (17) 12

"I'm Done"

Things are getting out of hand in GB. Here is an actual message (edited to protect the innocent) I received from my wife about an hour ago:

"I am going to leave work early cuz if I have to listen to one more dumb bitch talk about how much they love (He Who Shall Not Be Named) I am going to punch someone in the face."

"I told my boss that I was going to leave purely for this reason, she agrees that is cuz they are women and the majority of women r stupid."

"I just can't focus (on work)"

"I am so stressed out I am sweating"

You can all now congratulate me for how lucky I am.

Also, at least I am not Richard today. And I'm praying for a Packer win because if it doesn't happen, I think I'm going to need a plane ticket to attend his funeral, and those fuckers are expensive.

(UPDATE) I told my boss about what my wife said and his response is "Boy you guys have a hangup on this (He Who Shall Not Be Named Thing)." Then I stabbed him in the neck with a pen, called his daughter a whore, and said: "What the fuck do you mean?" Anxiety level is now a 9.5 out of 10.

Vegas Baseball Schedule (If Necessary)

Thurs. Game 5 ALCS
Fri. Game 6 NLCS
Sat. Game 6 ALCS, Game 7 NLCS (How fucking cool would this day be?)
Sun. Game 7 NLCS

This has to be the exact weekend I went to Vegas the last time and came up engaged. We watched Game 6 of Yankees-Red Sox in the hotel room and Game 7 in the airport. In 2004.

Hells Bells is back

So the Brewers have signed Hoffman to a 1 year, 8 million dollar contract as of today. Considering Hoffman made 6 million last year and god knows what kind of prospects would be out there for potential closers, I'd say this is a pretty solid deal. Hopefully we get something worked out in our bullpen as a more permanent replacement over the next two off seasons, until then, let's rock out to AC/DC for one more year I guess.

Oh snap! And there's a mutual option for 2011, didn't read that the first time I guess, doesn't change much either way, maybe 3 off seasons now to find a suitable young closer!

Getting Paid To Blog?

Well, not actually, but I got a free book from Acme Packing Company for commenting on one of their articles/playing in a fantasy football league. $16 value! I should take a picture of it and hang it above the front door of this shithole or something to signify the first dollar made.

There may very well be a football game on tonight. Speaking of which, I had a neighborhood golf outing (which I somehow won despite the fact that I am a shitty golfer and I was the best golfer on my team, +12!!!! in a best ball!!!)/cookout thing on Saturday. Even though it was the absolute last thing I wanted to talk about (see religion/politics) the topic of tonight's game came up. I have an asshole (not really) neighbor who is one of the last two people on earth that is trying to justify straddling the fence on this one. Earlier in the week, he tried to tell me it is like being a kid when your parent's get divorced. I told him that I could see that, except that the next year your dad proceeded to rape your sister in front of you while the media hails him as a hero, and he plays his "Aw shucks, I just love pussy" card. I even warned him not to bring the shit up. Of course he did, and he is one of those guys who has to make his opinion heard, even when it is fucking idiotic. He and like two women were in agreement. 95% of the people agreed with me but didn't want to be assholes and cause a rift in the neighborhood (again, see religion/politics). I seriously wanted to tip over the picnic table and all the shit on it and storm off. I was so fucking pissed. It made me feel better than when one of the other neighbors, who is like 75 and a high school football coach kind of nudged me and said "He's not a Packer fan." I'm at about a 9 on the anxiety level today and fully plan on getting nothing accomplished.

Also, I'm putting the clock radio in the living room (which I NEVER do) and listening to Wayne Larivee and Larry McCarren tonight because I can't handle Gruden sucking He Who Shall Not Be Named's cock every time he throws a two yard out.

Great upcoming sports week though. Fucking Twinkies somehow got into a one game playoff which is tomorrow, followed by playoff baseball every night the rest of the week. Should be pretty great. It just occurred to me that we could either get some Championship Series (like games 6 and 7) or get no playoff baseball while in Vegas.

OJSFA Week 4 Preview

First, somehow, even though the Packers haven't played a 3-4 defense since the 1980's, He Who Shall Not Be Named has an intimate knowledge of the Packers defense. Really? He may be vaguely familiar with a few of the players, but when Bernard Berrian is talking about the DBs playing "press coverage" it is clear that Chilly hasn't even looked at a game tape from this year. Its not like He Who Shall Not Be Named hasn't seen every defense ever created in his 43 years in the league, so I don't think there is a real advantage to be had here, but if anyone has an advantage it is the Packer defenders who played against him in practice every day, and against Him in the same offense, and not the other way around.

This just in: HOLY SHIT. They arrested the dude who taped Erin Andrews! No. Fucking. Way.

Onto the previews.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Heywood Jablome (2-1) v. Faribault Frauleins (2-1)

I believe Heywood has been in the game of the week every week. Which either means whomever picks the weekly matchup for TLC thinks they are good, or they have a tough schedule.

Line: Frauleins by 5
History: Heywood leads 1-0

OTHER GAMES:

The White Broncos (2-1) v. Marino for Prez (1-2)

I'm playing a team not run by Schmock. That is disappointing because I was looking forward to continuing my dominance. However, Duper's team sucks, so I'll be fine.

Line: Broncos by 3
History: Broncos lead 1-0

R.I.P. Billie Jean (3-0) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (1-2)

Billie Jean continues to defy the odds by not losing. The Ass Clowns are in the midst of what is sure to be a 10 game losing streak.

Line: Billie Jean by 20 1/2 (!!!)
History: Billie Jean leads 2-0

Schmock's Team (1-2) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (1-2)

Schmock is not playing me, so he has a chance to win. Bear is a terrible human being/animal.

Line: Schmock by 5
History: Schmock leads 5-2

SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK:

Clown Baby (1-2) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-2)

The Grapefruit continue to be the worst team in the league. So they really, really suck. The backfield of Cadillac Williams and Darren McFadden does not make me think of Jim Taylor and Paul Hourning. I'm just sayin'.

Line: Clown Baby by 12 1/2
History: Grapefruit leads 4-2