Wednesday, October 7, 2009

F#ck The Twins

Great game yesterday, that I saw none of because I had shit to do. Did anyone else realize that the Twinkies have won FIVE division titles in 8 years?!?!? Does anyone deserve happiness less than people from Minnesota? (Perhaps FIBs, I'll give you that). As much as it pains me, I am contractually obligated based on my agreements with (Sports Bottle's) god and Satan (He Who Shall Not Be Named) to root against whomever plays the Yankees in the playoffs. Here are the postseason baseball rooting rules in case you didn't know. This comes from a Brewers fan who has had almost nothing to cheer for after August 1st in his entire life.

1) Always root for your team if they are in it. Never root "for" another team, only root against teams.

2) Once your team is out, root against the 1)Yankees, 1a)Cubs, 2)Red Sox and 3)Twins in that order. So essentially it breaks down like this:
- If the Yankees are in it, you root against them no matter what. If they play the Cubs, you root for an explosion that kills both teams and their fans.
- You root against the Red Sox unless they are playing the Cubs or Yankees.
- You root against the Twins unless they are playing the Red Sox, Cubs or Yankees.

3) If the above four are gone, pick a large market team, a divisional rival, or a team with lots of past success to root against. The Dodgers, Mets, Angels, Cards, Phillies fit in nicely here.

Follow these rules and you will be hanging on every pitch in the post season. Rooting against the Yankees is spectacular, especially when drinking. I remember the year I was a huge Angels fan because they played the Twins and I was going to school in La Crosse and there were a lot of people from Minnesota there. I remember where I was when I saw Luis Gonzalez (who was definitely not on steroids) hit that bloop over Jeter's head to win the world series. I remember when I was living in Omaha being a gigantic Marlins fan during the Bartman series against the Cubs because any state without a baseball team from the midwest is automatically a gigantic Cubs town, which is fucking annoying.

This year, the first round rooting interests are as follows: Twins over Yankees, Angels over Red Sox, Rockies over Phillies, Cardinals over Dodgers (in a very close one).


-We didn't block anyone.
-A-Rodg held onto the ball too long at times.
-Donald Lee can't catch.
-He Who Shall Not Be Named has been standing untouched in the pocket for two days looking for and finding an open receiver.
-He Who Shall Not Be Named deserves some credit for not sucking (much of which is due to the fact that he had all day to throw and nobody covered any receivers all day)
-That being said, I would still rather have A-Rodg, and it isn't close.
-Derrick Martin should be flipping burgers tomorrow.
-Are we sure that Chilly didn't invade McCarthy's body on that 1st quarter challenge?
-The offense moved the ball despite the sacks and penalties
-The run defense looked great.
- Overall, at 2-2 the season isn't over. I expected 3-1, and I expected to lose that game. It is hard to be super disappointed.
-I think I caught H1N1 from semen being splashed by either Gruden or He Who Shall Not Be Named when Gruden was giving him head. Madden hates He Who Shall Not Be Named compared to Gruden. It was incredible, and annoying.
-I think what pissed me off the most about the coverage (other than the fact that His name was mentioned approximately 1.3 million times, including non-stop when the Packers had the ball), was the camera feeds from "He Who Shall Not Be Named's Steakhouse". It was a total fucking joke for a number of reasons. First, nobody fucking goes there to watch Packer games. OF COURSE there was going to be a couple of jackasses in Viking jerseys watching the game there. It painted an unfair picture of Green Bay like there are 50% of people walking around wearing He Who Shall Not Be Named Viking jerseys. There are like six people in Green Bay that would wear that shit, and they were all at He Who Shall Not Be Named's Steakhouse. So that really, really pissed me off. That and them constantly showing that bitch Deanna and His slut daughter.
- If the next game could be treated just as a Packer-Viking game, I would now be fine with Him playing QB for the Vikings. Doesn't mean I hate him any less, or that He is ever welcome back, but I think part of the difficulty was the initial shock, etc. Now he is a Viking forever, and I'm no longer personally offended. I just will never acknowledge him by name, and people should not ever think of Him as a Packer again.

I suppose I should work now.


Ricky said...

A Rodg held onto the ball too long... understatement of the year! If that fucker does that again there will be a remote thrown through my television. I was watching the game by myself (exactly how I prefer it after turning down 3 gay football parties) and screaming at the top of my lungs for him to throw the fucking ball.

Seriously, the line was awful but it was obvious that McCarthy was calling quick strike plays. Yet he held onto the ball forever. On that fumble fucking Grant was doing jumping jacks 5 yards in front of him with nobody around. Throw the god damn ball!

If you cannot tell I am bitter by his performance. He is becoming a very good quarterback on paper and an average quarterback in reality very quickly. Look at his stats and it looks like he played out of his mind. Watch the game and he played like shit. He went two full quarters in the middle of the game without moving the ball.

All that said, the Pack still made the right decision. I liked how Jaws put it. The Packers wanted to get their team back. Even if Rodgers was awful, we did need to stop being held hostage by He every offseason.

Excited for Tauscher to be back.

Is Kampman dead?

No suicide attempt and only 3 attempted murders after that game. Not too bad.

Everyone in MN has conveniently forgot that the Badgers beat the Gophers. I wore my Badgers tie today just to remind everyone.

This is the longest comment ever.

Bear said...

Excited that Tauscher is back? He will have no effect on this team this year, guaranteed.

Is Kampman dead? No, he's just not a 3-4 OLB, but now that we wasted this year finding this out, we're going to get shit in return for him when we trade him

Juicelaw said...

Taucsher will have SOME effect. Might not be alot, but I guarantee he starts a few games, and might prevent an A-Rodg death.