Casey McGehee Grand Slam = Curing Cancer

I love a great redemption story. Here is a guy who is presumably making the league minimum (which is probably like $200k, how does he eat?) who drops a routine fly ball that eventually led to two Mets runs (because Looper threw them meat on the next pitch). Who hasn't had something similar happen to them? Whether it is saying something wrong, or sending out something with a typo? It happens to all of us.

Most of us however, don't get to "redeem" ourselves, by acting like a number 5 hitter in the major leagues and hit a grand slam to put our teams ahead. And then have everyone fawn over you for two days (you best believe the entire pregame before the game tonight is going to be replaying this over and over).

I really like Casey McGehee. I think he was a huge pickup, and the thought of him playing every day doesn't make me physically ill (see Billy Hall). But lets relax a little bit here. He didn't survive cancer (that I know of). He didn't cure AIDS. He fucking hit a home run after making a bonehead play. It was cool when it happened. Get over it.

Really fun game to watch last night by the way.

She'll Fit Right In In GB

I just hope she isn't as high maintenance as she looks. Take that He Who Shall Not Be Named!

Brandon Jennings Appreciates Racial Slurs

I found this to be awesome. I can't wait until he plays 3 mintues per game this year. Not that I would watch either way, but still. But he did get me to talk about the Bucks. So he's got that going for him. Which is nice.

2009 OJSFA Draft

The world's longest fantasy draft is set to begin tomorrow with me, your defending fucking champion, trying to figure out who of my 6 or 7 potential keepers, I am going to hang onto. I am on the clock tomorrow. Jesus, it is getting earlier and earlier every year. We are entering year four of what I think is the greatest league in organized sports, and it will rival the NFL as soon as we get that multi-billion dollar TV contract. Big changes could be in store as we continue to tweak things to make them better and as Yahoo continues to add cool features. We're looking at the possibility of divisional play, and a more robust waiver/free agent system, depending on the outcome of our democratic draft. No word yet on whether I am going to turn in to the Ayatollah and rig the results (the 1st amendment rules). No point to this other than to say that I'm sitting on my patio with my recently purchased fantasy football magazine figuring this shit out and getting my research out of the way. Being a champion is a full time job.

BREW CREW HANGOVER

Holy shit was that a fucking fantastic 6th through 9th inning last night. Homers. Comebacks. Game Saving Catches. Two blown saves from very good closers. Clutch hitting. Hitting Fuck Ups. The first 5 innings were terrible, terrible baseball. These are the kind of games that give me hopes for the Crew, and makes you appreciate how good Braun and Fielder are. Also, I'm starting to fall in love with Mitch Stetter. Can we get him in for more than one hitter? Macha got goddamn lucky we came back after letting Coffey hit with two on and one out in a tie game, only to be pulled after one hitter.

Draft Review

I liked the Bucks pick of Brandon Jennings. He may end up terrible. But so will 90% of the other picks in the draft. I like him better than Jrue Holliday. Holliday didn't do anything for me at UCLA, so I think I'll take the guy who was a little unknown, but who played pro ball for a year already. I did wish they would've taken Patty Mills or Chase Buddinger with the second pick instead of Jodie Meeks. I know Meeks can score, but he didn't strike me as being special. Buddinger didn't either but he is a white American, and could've helped them replace Villanueva. My guess would be now that they will resign CV and let Sessions go. Barring any other trades in the works.

On a side note, I think the T-Wolves drafted another point guard overnight. What an odd draft for them, even though they didn't really draft Lawson. Were they trying to trade either Rubio or Flynn and it didn't work out? Now they have the two best point guards in the draft, and neither can probably play shooting guard. I guess I don't really get it, even though I like both guys.

LOOKING TO THE FUTURE

The draft made me pop in NBA 2k9 last night. I find it much more enjoyable to simulate and tinker around with rosters than actually playing games, which is odd for me because I usually like the opposite. Anyway, I signed LeBron as a free agent in 2016, at age 31 and coming off of FIVE straight MVPs (5yr, 96.8 mil). You may all go back to your lives now.

There is Funny, and Then There Is Richard's Travel Schedule

King Richard lives in Minnesota. Yet this summer, there are many, many important things going on in Wisconsin that would require a drive here, and drinking too much to drive back in one day. The joke a few months ago was that he should just rent an apartment for the summer, because it would make more sense. That schedule got even funnier last night when he agreed to bite the bullet and pay for a preseason Packer game, in exchange for a ticket to the Sunday night season opener against the Bears. From what I can piece together, here is his weekend schedule starting August 1st.

August 1: Bachelor Party in G.B.
August 8: OJSFA Draft in Stoughton
August 15: Packers v. Browns in G.B.
August 22 thru Sept 6: Off
Sept 12: Packers v. Bears
Sept 19: Off
Sept 26: Oktoberfest in La Crosse
Oct 3 and 10: Off
Oct 17: Wedding in G.B.
Oct 24 and 31: Off
Nov 7: Wedding in Madison

That makes 7 weekends in Wisconsin and 8 weekends at home from August 1 to November 7. Also, this doesn't include Schmock's bachelor party, which I imagine would occur in September or October in Wisconsin, or the inevitability that he will probably come to a game in December or something. Seriously Richard, this is hilarious to everyone but you. Just give up the charade of living in Minnesota and fucking move here.

BREWERS

Are the Twinkies fucking serious? That was the worst 45 seconds of baseball I've ever seen. We stole that one. I'll take it.

NBA DRAFT

Today is my favorite NBA time of the year. It is all down hill from here. The draft is fantastic, and I don't know why.

REAL WORLD CANCUN

Not overly impressed with the premier last night. Could've been worse I guess. I just hope they drink in the ballpark of how much I would if I was there. Too many east coast people, so I'm guessing they will puss out. The dude making out with the "Sharon Osbourne look alike" was pretty classic/disgusting. Their hotel isn't as nice as the Imperial Las Perlas though.

Raining Sh*t On Aaron Kampman

First, he had to start his career on the same team as that douche He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Then, his hometown of Parkersburg, Iowa was devastated by a tornado.

Then, he was told he would be moving to linebacker against his will.

Now, his high school football coach was gunned down in cold blood.

It sort of sucks to be him right now (other than the millions of dollars and adoring fans).

But seriously, what else could go wrong in a town that size in Iowa?

Raped By Twins

I'll admit it. The Twinks fucking own us. Our team is on the borderline of a fullout meltdown. We need our pitching to get hot again, or we are screwed. Sure, we can score 10 runs a game for a week or so. But we can also leave 20 guys on base while we try to hit homers and fail. There are full on cracks showing in the dam. I'm not having a whole lot of confidence right now. Bill Hall should be playing against leftys? Really? Because I'm pretty sure I watched him swing through about 12 fastballs right down the middle last night. He is fucking terrible. There is no excuse for him to start over Gamel, McGehee (who is actually really good) or Counsell. Lets cross our fingers and hope someone named Mike Burns can get out of the 4th tonight. In closing, I would just like to say that .228 hitters make fantastic lead off men, and if Schroeder/Anderson are longing for the return of Weeks the Brewers are fucked.

Counterpoint RE: Hammonds

I don't really understand what is going on with the Bucks. Granted, I haven't truly cared about any of this since about 2002, but the landscape of the NBA confuses the shit out of me. Let's retrace this thing back a few years:

1) We give someone named Bobby Simmons a crapload of money.

2) He immediately gets hurt and plays like 4 games for us in 2 years.

3) Due to the money spent on Simmons, the resulting injury and other injuries, we crap out and get a top 5 pick.

4) We spend the pick on Yi even though he made it clear he didn't want to come here, and the Bucks knew nothing about him other than he could work the shit out of a folding chair in workout tapes.

5) We completely give up on Yi after one year, and trade he and Bobby to the Nets for Richard Jefferson.

6) Everyone gets hurt again, and we decide that losing money like every other team isn't worth it any more, so we trade Jefferson for three corpses.

7) Next year we may have like $1 billion in cap room.

So where are we going from here? Is there anyone on our team that is good enough to be the best player on an NBA team? I would argue no.

For the record, I completely agree with Bear on Sessions and Villanueva. Sessions cieling is Redd (who we already have on our team). Villa has already hit his ceiling, and will totally stop caring again next year. But for them to decide to gut the entire team and to rely on draft picks is both exhausting and near impossible.

I can't recall any team that was able to pull this off unless you count Orlando in the mid-90's, and that was only because they lucked out and got Shaq and Penny in the draft (and could've had Webber instead of Penny too). Oklahoma City and Portland appear to be close to making some noise based on similar roster moves, but they may never get there. Teams like the Clips and Grizzlies have been trying to do this for years and have failed miserably.

So what do we do? The obvious answer is to hire the Sports Guy as GM. He seems to know everything about the NBA. I'm clearly not smart enough to figure out all the cap ramifications. And I'm not that good at evaluating NBA talent. But it seems to me that if you get rid of everyone for expiring contracts, you better have someone that resembles an NBA player to replace them. And right now, I don't think the Bucks do. And LeBron, D-Wade and Melo aren't stepping foot in Milwaukee no matter what. Bombing out for the next three years guaranteed and hoping for high picks is stupid. You need to mix the draft with veterans, although hovering around the 8 seed every year isn't going to get it done. You need to pick your spots to bomb (like the Spurs did when they got Duncan), and load up on good vets when you can to make a run or two.

Actually, I think old man Kohl should sell the team to someone who wants to spend money. I'm not saying Herb doesn't because lord knows he has lost enough on the team. But realistically, if the Bucks don't get out of the semi-shithole that is the Bradley Center pretty soon. They may not be in Milwaukee long. Which wouldn't bother me that much other than I like the idea of a team in Milwaukee.

I'm not sure what my point is other than the trade doesn't make me like the Bucks any more, I'll tell you that much.

Hammond is a genius

In case you haven't heard, the Bucks have traded Richard Jefferson to the Spurs for Bruce Bowen, Kurt Thomas and Fabricio Oberto. Their combined age? 108.

Their combined salary that is coming off the books after next year? $11,300,000. Richard Jefferson was due to make 14.2 million this year, so we're already saving 3 million now and 15 million that was due to him the year after. Some folks are already barking about how the Bucks will probably cut one or two of the players they've acquired as well, since their contracts are apparently only partially guaranteed, so we'd end up saving even more cash against the luxury tax this year, but I see that as un-necessary.

Here's what I think the Bucks should do. They can keep any of these 3 players or dump them, who cares really, the only reason they're here is to free up future cap space. I say we pass on both Villanueva and Sessions. Why? They're both mediocre players that are going to get over paid by us or some other team, why put ourselves into another Bobby Simmons type of contract when we can probably get comparable production for much cheaper? Plus there's no way the hairless wonder doesn't go back to dogging it after he gets his contract.

So we just lost RJ and Sessions this year, we might match a CV offer and keep him around one more year, but definitely nothing long term. We would probably draft a PG and have another year of Ridnour starting basketball games for us. Bogut, CV, Mbah a Moute, Redd, Ridnour with Bell, Alexander, and whomever we draft off the bench, plus the nursing home crew and Gadzuric. This team is probably good enough to get 30 wins, so we're gonna have to hope for another injury or two, really. We gotta hope for a shitbomb next year, drop us into a top 3 pick.

After this coming year, if we keep CV for one more year, we're going to be dropping his, Ridnours, and the complete nursing home trio's salary. That's going to be a complete number, minusing Jefferson's contract, Ridnour and CV, of 25 million off the books. Now I'm definitely not saying we're going to get Lebron, or even Melo or Bosh, maybe D-Wade?(ha). But we will have the room and the next year another 25 million comes off with Redd and Gadzuric.

We aren't losing a whole lot of talent, white PG, a probably listless CV after a contract and an unable to defend scoring SG, but we'll clear a cool 50 million off the books in the next two years and if we really bomb next year, which is definitely possible, we'll have a top 3 pick. If we don't get any big name from the 2010 FA class to bite, which I doubt we will, wait it out one more year, bomb again maybe? Back to back top 3 pick opportunities and now we got about 40 million sitting around in cap that we can work with after we evaluate the talent we've drafted onto this team.

I really wanna see what this team looks like in 2-3 years with all these moves. If it's Sessions, Redd, Alexander, CV and Bogut, I'm fucking done with it. If Hammonds uses this money intelligently, we might just have a shot at building something here.

Live From New York

(This was sent but not posted last Thursday morning)

So a few quick thoughts. Everyone here is batshit crazy. The subway is surprisingly easy to use, and I am going to be run over by one. Went to a "towny" bar, and said bar would be a top 3 bar in Green Bay. At said bar, I had a conversation with some dude who claimed to be JJ Redicks best friend. Also, the person that we know who lives here allegedly smoked weed with Redick. I'm a tad hungover. It is pouring buckets. I'm supposed to go to Yankee stadium today. No umbrella.

PS. Said friend's apartment is 400 square feet and she pays more than my mortgage payment for rent.

CONTINUED

I am thankfully back from New York, and back on this planet. It is amazing how different life is there compared to anything I've ever seen. Even in Milwaukee or the Twin Cities (neither of which I've lived in, but I've spent significant time in both) or Omaha (a largerish city) the lifestyle is at least somewhat comparable to normalcy, only with more cars. In NYC, you don't have a car unless you are a cab driver, a multi-millionaire, or some foreign dipshit that rents one. The subway takes some getting used to, but once you get over the fact that it is the dirtiest thing you will ever touch, it is very convenient, easy and fast. We took that fucker everywhere, and it was $4 total for each trip, instead of $40 in a cab. My other overall impressions of NYC before I get into details of our trip are as follows:

1) Everyone that lives there is solely consumed by their life, and unless they have a reason to be nice to you, they will push your ass into traffic if you get in their way. And by get in their way, I mean not walking at a near jog.

2) Everyone there is homeless or wears a suit.

3) There are no grocery stores. So everyone eats out for every meal.

4) There are no gas stations, so someone has already invented a car to run on baby shit. There is no other explanation.

5) The only grass in Manhattan is in Central Park.

6) Miller Lite is most definitely not the drink of choice, and is actually difficult to find. The hotel we stayed in was selling bottles for TWELVE BUCKS EACH.

7) David Cross's description of walking down the street in New York, and the people you come upon is exactly correct.

Now onto our trip details:

Thursday rained all motherfucking day. And hard. We went to Yankee stadium anyway. It was still raining there. We walked around the entire stadium, and took some pictures. It was pretty nice, but overall, it wasn't anything that would warrant like a billion dollars being spent to build it. Yankee Stadium had two things that made it better than Miller Park: 1) Huge HD video screens and 2) Way better food choices (but not alcohol choices). The food choices there were insane, and truthfully not that ridiculously priced for a sporting event. You name it, you could find it there. Everything from hot dogs and pizza to Chicken Parm and Sushi. And it all looked pretty good. I settled on a gigantic ass cheese steak (with Cheez Whiz of course) and an order of garlic fries. We sat around there about two and a half hours, and when the rain didn't let up, we left. I didn't really give a shit about the actual game anyway. Turned out to be shitty (first game ever there with no HRs) and it didn't start until 6:30. Here is my list of stadiums I've been to games at in order: 1) Miller Park, 2) Yankee Stadium, 3) Kaufman Stadium, 4) Random Little League parks, 4589) County Stadium.

After Yankee Stadium we walked around, saw Rockefeller Center and had dinner at the Hard Rock in Times Square. The strangest thing about Times Square was 1) Everyone screaming at us about going to a comedy show and 2) The random shitty/hillbilly lawn chairs that the city set out in the middle of it for tourists to sit on. It was fucked.

Friday was the only really nice day weather wise, so we did our stuff that would've sucked without an umbrella. Went to Central Park. We went down to the Empire State Building, Ground Zero and Wall St. Wall St. was pretty boring. The view from Empire was cool. Ground Zero wasn't really what I was expecting (it is just a small museum) but it still almost got a little dusty in there. I'm glad we went I guess. On the subway we saw Helen Hunt. Her ass was right next to my face.

Friday night was ridiculous. This is something that you would never know about unless you lived there, but there are restaurants in NYC without liquor licenses, that allow you to bring in your own booze. Our friend didn't tell us where we were going ahead of time. It was a Bangladeshi restaurant, which is every bit as crazy as it sounds. The food was actually pretty good. I would call it a cross between Indian and Chinese. Afterwards, we went to a place called "New York's oldest bar" Mc Sorley's. It is an Irish bar where the drink choices are "Light Beer" or "Dark Beer". The Light Beer was a dark red/brown. You order a beer and they give you two 3/4 full mugs. Allegedly, the bar didn't allow women in until the 60's when the city forced them. In protest they haven't dusted the place since. There is inches of dust hanging off the chandeliers. It is gross/awesome. Almost went to Coyote Ugly but that fell through. Got totally plowed.

Saturday it rained again, didn't do a whole lot. Went shopping on 5th avenue. Fell asleep while walking. Went out for pizza to a place called John's (which is allegedly in the top 5 pizza places in NYC). Went there over some better known places because it didn't require a subway ride (sick of it by then) and the wait was shorter. Best pizza I've ever had. Got some cheesecake from Junior's (best in town) that was fanfuckingtastic.

Sunday we flew home and some random unattractive girl started breast feeding her screaming baby on the plane next to my wife. She didn't really like it much.

So that is all. Great place to visit. Wouldn't want to live there.

Happy Anniversary!

I just saw on SportsCenter that it is the 15th anniversary of the White Bronco Chase, which took place on June 17, 1994. Man I am old. Enjoy the video anyway.

Scorpio Babers Isn't Dead

...And really I couldn't be happier about it. Other than the fact that he got cut. I'm sure he'll latch on somewhere. Good to know he's still out there, just being Scorpio. His son Sagittarius and daughter Libra will be just fine. God, that is a fantastic name. Always brightens my day.

The Brewers Should Move All Home Games to Cleveland

Don't have alot of time today. Going on vacation tomorrow, but I would be remiss if I didn't mention the insanity of the 14-12 win last night. I'm going to admit that when it got to 12-7, I shut it off, only to turn back about 30 minutes later to see 13-12. I was more than a little shocked. Who the fuck did Cleveland run out there to pitch? Are they THAT bad? When did Dave Bush decide he was going to go into his annual June swoon? The All-Star break can't get here fast enough for Bushie. That game was like 7 hours long last night. I had both Braun and Fielder on my fantasy team, but my opponent had Choo and DeRosa so we about broke even, which is gay.

I may attempt to send a post or two from NYC. Going to see the Yankees and Nats on Thursday barring the rain storm that is supposed to be there.

No other thoughts other than He is a cockbag, and his interview with Buck proves it. Really? You don't understand why Packer fans would hate you? I'm leaning heavily toward keeping any Viking ticket I may get. I think it will be cathartic. He is referring to the Vikings as "we". Fuck You.

It's never gonna happen

But man I'm really hoping that at some point this off season, someone on the Packer's D comes out and says something like what Lance Briggs said about Favre in that PFT article.

I just want them to come out and say what we're all thinking, yea bitch, come out and play for the Vikes, we ain't afraid of your 39 year old ass, we'll rip it to pieces.

This weekend concluded the annual winebox race. Each 6 person team has to drink a box of wine(5 liters) and a liter of beer as fast as you can. We took 3rd with a 1:18. We've lost about 5 seconds a year since we won it 2 years ago, so it's pretty disappointing. I then made the great decision to drink for about 10 hours yesterday and then went to watch The Hangover, got to bed by about 1AM. I felt fucking awesome this morning, seriously, no hang over, great. That's my life.

PS, When's the next Haley's comet?

Nashville Is Nice This Time Of Year

My brother has demanded that I write a Manny Parra post. So I will sort of. It is about time something has been done, and I'm glad it was done. I continue to be impressed with the attitude management has with non-performance. I can't help but think that Ken Macha has alot to do with this, because obviously the attitude is alot different that when Neddy was managing. I'm convinced Manny would have been given another chance or three to "pitch out of it" under Neddy. I'm curious what is going to happen with the rotation. I guess there are enough off days built in for the next few weeks that we don't need that fifth starter. I would presume McClung will be stuck in there, although I think one or two of the randoms just called up are starters too. I think Manny has the tools to be a really good pitcher, but think his head is fucked up. Hopefully this will fix it because we need a decent lefty starter.

I watched Manny's destruction from the emergency room yesterday. I had been experiencing slurred speech of the non-alcohol variety for about a week, and finally it got so bad that my wife couldn't understand me, and co-workers were giving me strange looks. A call to urgent care told us to get our asses to the hospital. According to the doomsday website that is WebMD, I was certainly on death's door. Having either a stroke or a brain tumor. Luckily is wasn't either one, it was some kind of random malady that should go away with time. The nerves in my face are inflamed, which gives some symptoms of a stroke, but should work itself out. No known cause or cure for this shit, so I have to continue to sound like a moron.

In other news, I am now one of those dickheads with a Blackberry. All in all it is pretty goddamn cool. It isn't quite an iPhone, but as I stated, I'll be damned if I'm paying for less than optimal performance due to lack of a 3G AT&T network in GB, so I'll make due. I'm pretty excited to sit at my wife's grandparents anniversary party and check the Brewer game constantly. Fully expect to see a photo of my dick show up in your inbox.

Sounds Familiar

Not that I've written a retort to Jamie Dukes, but the fact that MJD isn't a Packer fan and feels the same way as me makes me feel better.

Brewers sign first round pick

I'd link to a story about this, but I'm the first one I can find! Ha! The Brewers have officially signed their first round draft pick Eric Arnett. Good to see, hopefully the guy gets a lot of work in this year yet.

EDIT: There's the JSOnline article! Apparently he also used his Twitter account to make the announcement.

Choke Job

No, I'm not referring to how Bear and Loaf Cobra like to "get down". I'm actually referring to the Orlando Magic in Game 4 last night. Pretty great game if you like turnovers, missed free throws and shitty play, but it was close at least. And really, Orlando should have won that game, and should be up 3-1 right now. I'm going to pretend I care, and get all lathered up.

-How the fuck can you be in the NBA, and miss two straight free throws? When you are a choker. Howard missed two with 11 seconds left. Hedo missed at least two straight in the last minute, despite being an 80% FT shooter in the regular season. It is tough to shoot free throws with two hands around your neck.

-How the fuck does Stan Van Gundy ignore mountains of statistical evidence that says to HAVE to foul a team down by three in the closing seconds, to not allow them to even shoot the three. Not only that, but how do you not foul, and also decide not to guard them when the shoot the three? That was unfuckingbeleivable. I would be bitter if I was a fan of the Magic. No wonder he got shit canned from Wisconsin.

The series is now O-V-E-R. I refuse to waste time watching game 5. I might watch a 6 if it happens.

I actually set my DVR to watch Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals tonight. This is a personal first for me. I've got a shitload going on this weekend, and a shitload of yard work to do, so I have to do it tonight. The strange thing is that me, SportsBottle and the random dude that lives in my neighborhood who wears nothing but random hockey jerseys all year long, will be the only one's watching, so there is almost no danger of me starting the game on a two hour delay. My wife is NOT going to be happy about it. She'll get over it.

BREW CREW HANGOVER

Three straight to the Rockies? Really? There is no chance of them not getting destroyed by the White Sox this weekend. The AL is like 67-3 against the NL in interleague this year. Good news is that I just picked up Scott "I got robbed by Dontrelle Willis because he was an African-American pitcher for Rookie of the Year in 2003, and then realized I was 31 years old, and then died" Podsednik on one of my fantasy teams.

So You're Saying There's a Chance!?!

The Hebrew Hammer turned down a chance to hammer a bunch of random sluts on TV. It's probably much better to have been invited and turned down the chance to have America realize that baseball players aren't that bright (I have no actual knowledge of if he is bright or not). It shows you are a semi-celebrity, and aren't so full of yourself that you need to be on TV. Plus, he already has hoes in different area codes, so he probably doesn't need any desperate to marry him. He just has to deal with the ones poking holes in this condoms (assuming he actually uses such a thing). This story just made Susuan Sarandon do a silent fist pump.

No Interest

I appreciate the extremely hard work of a fellow blogger, but I can't seem to muster any interest in the He situation. I can't even remember who He is half the time and quite frankly I don't care.

I'm always interested in people's opinion of how an athlete should end his career. Will he ruin his legacy if he plays another year/for another team. For the most part everyone needs to mind their own fucking business. It's not your life. Who can blame an athlete for playing past their prime? Remember, an athlete's career is over 15 or so years before an average person's. I would drag it out as long as possible.

But I'm getting off the point. My point is that He is slowly (not so slowly) becoming the biggest prima donna in sports history. It's amazing we didn't see this in his decade and a half in Green Bay. We loved him. I loved him. He's the Everyman!!!!!!!!!!!! But, no. We placed him on a pedestal, and maybe rightfully so. But now he's placed himself on a pedestal. What's the point of going public with any of his thoughts? Why not make a decision first? It's because he NEEDS the attention. He's like a married man who still needs to know he can get that hot chick's number. He's so insecure that he needs to know he can still make headlines because if he doesn't we'll all find out he's one of the crab people. I don't know about anyone else, except Juice, but I'll always remember him as a whiney crybaby.

Other thoughts -

What a great NHL finals! Fucking game 7. I pray for a 5 overtime thriller. Although I'll be at a wedding in Appleton on Friday night. Free beer and the electric slide, what else can you ask for?

I haven't caught any of the NBA finals, except for little snippets on the radio. If Magic win game 4 this will be won by the Lakers in 6. If Lakers win game 4 the series is over in 5.

Hypothetical situation - a female police sergeant, while off duty, calls an on duty patrol officer and asks her to look up the phone number of a random dude b/c she thinks he's "hot." OK, I lied a little. He's not a random dude. He's a local drug dealer who's being looked at closely by his local police department (for which this female police sergeant works for). Anyways, check this out. By the way, this is not a hypothetical situation.

Brewers draft compilation

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to accomplish with this, basically I'm trying to get random tidbits of info out of the Brewers draft, along with the things that have been regurgitated by the ESPN's and JSOnline's of the world.

So I guess we start with Eric Arnett? Big righty out of Indiana, apparently Tom Crean loves the guy. Middle of the article-ish is Crean's stuff, Arnett walked onto the basketball team to help out with low number of scholarships they had left after Sampson pulled his dick out and ran, great Bucks assistant coach though. According to ESPN's scouting grades, his fastball is a 60 out of 80 future, with his next best pitch being a slider. It also says he can stay consistently around mid-90's and he looks like an inning eater. After a few google searches, it appears as though he was very high on the Cubs radar as well. Here's a local article about the kid. Arnett is also a huge Reds fan and loves to booze(more on that later).



Next we move on to outfielder Kentrail Davis. I've heard conflicting things about him, his current ESPN scouting report says he's a 70 for present and future speed, out of 80 and his next best attribute is his fielding range, however his arm is pretty weak so he'll probably be forced to play only left field and he can hit for power. The conflicting? I've read he can run, then I read his speed is above average, but will probably diminish before he gets to the majors(ok?), then you read his arm is fine, right after reading his arm is pretty weak(ESPN rating his arm well below average). He was originally drafted by the Rockies in the 14th round in 2007 and at the time he was a Boras client, not sure if that's the case right now. Oh did I mention he was a lefty?



On to the their third pick, Kyle Heckathorn. Another big righty who can throw mid-90's fastballs and has a plus slider, Heckathorn is being touted as the first player that could see time in the majors from this draft, for the Brewers, because he more than likely will be headed to the bullpen to get there. His struggles with control and inability to master a third pitch have pigeon holed him into that role. Looks like the Jays had him targeted as well. Here's an ESPN article about how him and the other KSU pitcher that got drafted this year got the program moving.



Next on the list is Max Walla, a high school OF from Albuquerque. He's committed to Oklahoma State and ESPN's draft scouts are not kind. His speed ranks a 30 out of 80, one step below the worst grade given out, which has examples like "Frank Thomas's speed" as to their quality. Basically right now his only plus is power, he's slow and not the best fielder but he has a good arm. Maybe a future right fielder, but it feels like he has first base written all over him at this point. He's apparently also a swimmer.



Next up is Cameron Garfield! You can follow him on Twitter! If he'd ever post anything! He's a high school catcher out of one of the future four states of California. He's a right handed hitter who's been touted more for his defense than his offense. No really, we drafted a defensive minded positional player for once. It's fucking refreshing I tell ya, finally a catcher we drafted early that's not really a second basemen or a first basemen or wherever the hell Angel Salome ends up, no sir, he's actually a really good catcher. Hopefully his hitting isn't a liability at the major league level and he makes it up eventually.



The last pick for the Crew on the first day was a shortstop out of Tulane named Josh Prince. I'm not sure if he's exactly a great defender, but highlights like the end of this video give me hope. Ridiculous days at the plate also give me hope. He also played for a Green Bay semi pro team? I guess we got the inside scoop on this guy then.



I was gonna keep going, but man there's a lot of fucking people drafted in baseball.

Attack of the BottomLine

More proof ESPN has quit trying to report news, and is basically E! News. This was the actual wording from the BottomLine last night on Game 3 of the Finals after a sentence about the Vikings "suspending pursuit of He": No timetable on when both sides WILL reconsider their positions. Are you fucking kidding me? An actual news organization would have left it at actual facts from the team "that they are allegedly suspending their pursuit." Or would have said something like, it is unclear if the Viqueens would reconsider at a later date. Instead you made up a fact that the sides will in fact reconsider, so in your opinion nothing is suspended. So basically, you aren't reporting anything. The Viqueens are not suspending shit. Two months from now, they will inevitably change their minds. Fucking idiotic. I am losing my will to live.

Where do I go from here?

As the world of sports keeps churning with another shitty NBA finals in the works, Tiger winning another tournament, the Twins continuing their quest to have the worst road record in baseball (and somehow still being competetive in their divison) and Favre coming closer to achieving his goal of being the first person to alienate fans from EVERY team in the NFL, I continue to sit in my dusty office with outdated furniture, no company website and hard feelings.

That is why a potential change is in the works for Twinkie. In the words of Milton "that is the last straw."

What would you do if you were me? Would you take a job with a raise of about 2K a year, better healthcare, better retirement, paid mileage and with a nice boss who will help you? Or would you continue to work in the same depths of hell where nobody gives a shit about you, except how much money you make them every month. And to make things worse, if that amount isn't good enough to help them make their SUV, boat payments and support their addiction to gay porn, you have to listen to them bitch you out about it. Also, when you ask for your mileage check, you are questioned about it, like you are a lying sack of shit or something.

That's right, I may surrender my license to do what it is that I do (or at least place it on hold) while I potentially dive into greener pastures. I may give my notice within the next week and may possibly become an overpaid secretary for a career (or at least for awhile). Not sure how long that career will last, but it beats the stress of trying to cram the information from 300 bitchy "customers" in your head (ok, more like 12). And if for some reason I change my mind and decide to stay, you can A) forget this entire post or b) you can track down my boss(es) and blackmail me for drugs or sex or both.

On another note, we just finished our second week of co-ed, slow-pitch, softball last night and we are 2-2, with our 2 losses being by a combined total of nearly 40 runs. On a side note, I also hit 2 balls to the left field fence for a triple and an inside the parker and almost had a heart attack both times.

This entire post is why I don't post anymore. It is incoherent, boring and nobody gives a shit about it because they don't know me. Except Juice and even he is a prick and probably doesn't care. You can all burn in (Sportsbottles and my) God's hell. I just realized I forgot my Prozac.

This Has To Be A Joke

Really? The Midway Motor Lodge? The Midway Motor Lodge is not even in the top 10 hotels in Green Bay. Would I stay there? Maybe, but I'm not a family member to a multi-millionaire either. I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on this. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call Chris Mortensen to tell him that He is coming to my employer that weekend so that I can drum up about 10 million web hits, and mentions on all national media. ESPN isn't even trying to report real news.

P.S. I should be getting word in the next few weeks to tell me which games I got tickets to. Do I try to sell Viqueen tickets if I get them? Do I revel in booing?

Conspiracy Theory!!!

So here is my latest conspiracy theory regarding He Who Shall Not Be Named. I've not seen this theory, nor read it anywhere else, although that doesn't mean it is original. So here is what we allegedly are being convinced is true by "sources":

Exhibit 1: Out of nowhere, we are attacked by flashes across the bottom of the screen during Game 2 of the NBA finals, that He had surgery and "is not convinced his shoulder is good enough to consider coming out of retirement". Whatever the fuck that means. I'm going to pretend not want to bitch about this blurb, and take it as true.

Exhibit 2: The Viqueens had previously refused to acknowledge that they are in fact interested in His services.

Exhibit 3: The Viqueens had previously refused to deny that they are in fact interested in His services.

Exhibit 4: This alleged surgery has a recovery time of like 4 more alleged weeks.

Exhibit 5: Today, there is no way He could play a game, and according to "sources" He won't commit until He is sure that His brittle old ass can throw a football.

Exhibit 6: Also out of left field, the Viqueens have allegedly given Him a deadline of the end of the week to piss or get off the pot.

Exhibit 7: Anyone recall how His last alleged deadline turned out? You know. The one he was allegedly given by Thompson to retire or not?

So this is what we are led to believe as true. Here is my conspiracy theory. The Viqueens are NOT in fact, AT ALL interested in He. The Viqueens have, and rather shrewdly I think, led their semi-retarded fan base along for the past two months, and also led the semi-retarded He along, to a) sell badly needed season tickets, b) drum up media coverage and c) piss off Green Bay. The Viqueens have played as long as they can without completely poisoning their current roster, and are now bailing by giving a deadline that He can't possibly comply with to shift the fan bases blame to Him, while pretending they were really interested all the time, but needed to move on.

In other words, this was all a gigantic sham orchestrated by someone in the Viqueen front office (definitely not Mr. Noodles Brad Childress, who can't figure out how to MAKE noodles), that He was a pawn in, only he was too stupid to realize it.

If any of this is true, it is the most genius thing ever to come from Minnesota with the exception of the Blizzard, roller blades and "Fargo".

WHAT WILL REALLY HAPPEN: He'll probably play for the Queens because He is an asshole, and I have to pretend he never played for the Packers.

To the Losers With an iPhone

Dear Fuckfaces with iPhones:

Your shit is already outdated. And now they are probably half the price you paid. Eat shit and die.

Love,

Juicelaw

Poison Used To Be Great

Brewers Baseball: Rated R

The Crew has dominated Atlanta the past two nights. Other than Prince mashing, and playing a mean first base, one thing stood out to me. The tirade that Mike Cameron went on that got him kicked out of last night's game, in front of 40 of his closest friends and family. The following is not an exact transcript of the festivities, but it is close: "Fuck that! Fuck that! Fuck that! Fuck you! (to the ump, who tossed him), Fuck you! You fucking suck! You fucking suck!"

(Macha tripped trying to sprint out to get in between them, but it was too late, and he had to use Bill Hall in CF for the ninth of a three run game.)

Good thing Hoffman is unhittable. Look for a suspension for Cam, because he quite possibly bumped the umpire. It was awesome.

I Could Strike Him Out

Take a few minutes to read this article. It is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. It almost makes descriptions of Tim Tebow seem weak. Look forward to hearing this his name about 18 million times in the next 20 years. Either that or he'll be the biggest disappointment in the history of baseball. There is a 100% chance it will be one or the other. I've already put in a waiver claim in Fantasy Baseball.

The Brewers lose this Saturday

So I've had this young man on my fantasy squads, patiently waiting for him to be brought up to the majors so that he may dominate some face, his name is Tommy Hanson, long forgotten 4th brother of a well known teeny bop group from the 90's.

Hanson's been brought up and his first start is scheduled to be this Saturday against the Brewers. Now I know Hanson's a decent pitcher and he should be good from the get go, but that's not why I'm concerned. I'm concerned because apparently teams are figuring out a disturbing recurring pattern from the last 3 years or so. We can't fucking touch a newly called up rookie pitcher on his first start. It's impossible, we're gonna lose on Saturday 3-1. Guaranteed.

There is evidence to the contrary of my opinion but I'm pretty sure my wild claims and random opinions are much more solid indicators of these types of things than actual stats.

Ryan Braun: Hebrew Hammer/Fashionista

Ummm....As much as I love Ryan Braun, which is about as much as I can love another male and not be gay, I don't see myself spending $119.00 on a ridiculous T-shirt with skulls and shit all over it that looks like gang graffiti. I don't really get it. But maybe I'm just not "California Couture". I guess if it is good enough for Braun (why is he lighting himself on fire?) and Method Man, it should be good enough for me. Maybe once this blog takes off....

Fantasy Football

Do you all realize that there are already fantasy football rankings out there? That I am on the clock for my keepers in three and a half weeks? Jesus, baseball just started, didn't it? In other news, I have like 7 legitimate keepers on my team, and whomever I pick is going to be wrong (except for MoJo Drew, he is going to be tits). There is a pretend QB battle between Romo and Dr. Phil "MVP" Rivers, and a WR-RB battle between Barber/Lynch/Boldin/Smith. I could justify keeping all of them. Do I go with 2 RBs and a QB? 2RBs and a WR? One of each? My brain hurts.

Finals Preview, Diets and iPhones

- I will force myself to watch every NBA Finals game because it is my duty as someone who calls myself a sports fan. Even though I suspect I won't like it much. I dislike the Lakers, and will be rooting for the Magic, but if I had to bet I would take the Lakers.

- My wife is out of town for work for the next two days. It gives us both an excuse to fuck up our diets and eat out. Of course, when she eats out, it is inevitably a salad. I am personally trying to go out of my way to gain all 30 pounds back in two days. Last night I got one of those Bread Bowl Pasta things from Domino's, and it was quite possibly the best 1400 calories I have ever eaten. I was physically ill afterwords, and it was great.

- SportsBottle, Ricky and any one else with an iPhone can shove them up their asses. I am getting a new phone in a few weeks, and would totally get an iPhone except that AT&T has deemed Green Bay not important enough to have 3G, and I'm not about to fuck around with worse than dial up cell phone Internet and pay an arm and a leg to do it. Plus, I already have two iPods, so alot of the point of the extra money would be wasted. But I do hope to be a faggot with Blackberry so I can do nothing but sit around and text/send emails/surf the internets at all social events, because everyone else does anyway, so why even bother fighting it.

-RE: Marlins comment. I won't argue at all about the history of the Marlins. They've done a shitload of cool things. But 1,000 people at a game. Fucking embarrassing.

Nothing Better To Do

Brewers vs Marlins - Wednesday, June 3rd

Top of 1st

• Brian Anderson - "McGehee continues to hit." He's batting .250
• First matter I address as comissioner - I get a dollar for every time Braun steps out, does that faggy looking practice swing, re-does his batting gloves and then does that little chicken wing flap.
• Braun kills one to center and a great grab by the random Marlins' CF. This is why hitting a baseball is the most difficult thing to do in sports.
• Prince is on pace for a great year. 35 hr, 140 rbi, 120 walks
• Nice towering pop up double right down the left field line for Prince. LF must have been playing in center. 1-0 Brewers
• JJ batting 6th. Keep moving him around. He'll find his spot
• Good start.

Italian dude Miller Lite commercials suck but I do like that one where they say "OH!!!" a bunch of times.

Was in La Crosse last week. Brother's wings still hit the spot.

Bottom of 1st

• Last night Uggla's batting against Parra. Brian Anderson says Parra should really like that matchup. What did Uggla do? You guessed it.
• Looper looks like Favre/Jenkins
• Billy Hall playing tonight against a lefty!!!!!!
• Looper isn't liking his footing situation.
• Didn't Looper throw mid-90s a couple years ago?
• Walk to Bonifacio. Here comes a steal of 2nd.
• Looper throws to 1st two times in a row. The four Marlins fans in attendance boo in unison.
• Brian Anderson compares JJ to Hanley. I want the black guy.
• Deep shot by Hanley, run down by Juice's struck match.
• Schroeder and Anderson basically discuss how Prince could murder Bonifacio on a play at 1st.
• 4 up, 3 down. Good start for Looper. 1-0 good guys.

AirTran has WiFi. Hey Juice. There's a certain device that can get WiFi. Do you know what it is? You guessed it, my iPhone.

I've never eaten any Usingers products but I would argue it's the best food ever.

Top of 2nd

• Astronomer Schroeder expertly tell us the moon we see on the TV isn't a full moon. I figured that out when I could only see 3/4 of the moon.
• Billy "lefty killer" Hall pops out weakly. At least he didn't strike out.
• Kendall got hit with a bat in the eye. Yeah, right. How come his wife has a cast on her left hand? Anyways, the Marlins keep his powerful bat at bay with a weak pop foul out.
• Looper hits one rather well, right to CF.
• 6 pitch inning. 1-0 Brewers

I'm always thinking Arby's.

Juice got Kenseth for his Fleet Farm commercials and I get this generic horseshit? Fleet Farm, we love it!

Bottom of 2nd

• If you buy a very upper deck ticket at Joe Robbie, can you just move down to the field when the game starts?
• Brewers 5-15 in there last 20 in Florida.
• Looper's perma-grin becomes a full flegded smile at times.
• Yep, Looper was a mid-90s thrower when he was with the Marlins.
• 1-2-3 inning. Looper looking sharp. But they said Parra was looking sharp early yesterday.....

Someday I'm gonna win the lottery. Then I'll pay someone to blog for me.

Need to check my iPhone....

Ok, I'm back. I bet Ricky checked his too.

Top of 3rd

• Hart leading off the 3rd. He's at the top of the order tonight.
• Leadoff walk
• Last night Jody Gerut had our first two stolen bases in something like 16 games. And then he scored. Go figure.
• Anderson and Schroeder steal my stolen base thunder. They must be following along.
• McGehee looks like he'd be a Pack R Place regular.
• And then he pops out to Uggla on a 3-1 pitch.
• I can't watch Braun bat. Drives me crazy. Two perfect pitches he watches. Now he'll swing at a ball and foul it back.
• He even steps out when they throw over to first.
• There it is, a foot outside and fouled off.
• Another one, high and outside, fouled back.
• OK, I'll shut up now. Braun launches a 2-run dong to left. 3-0 Brewers
• The two Marlins fans in left are having a knock out drag out fight for that ball.
• I see a huge tub of double bubble gum in the dugout. The perks of being a professional athlete must suck. I would go through one after another of those. The first 20 seconds are so delicious.
• Prince lineout to center.
• Cameron flyout to center.
• 3-0 Brewers

Foosball on every AirTran flight would be awesome. But we're gonna settle for WiFi.

Bottom of 3rd

• Why can't they use a ball once it touches the dirt?
• Looper starts with a K. Still looking good.
• Braun's dad is getting his 15 seconds of fame. He's shown texting like a 16 year old girl
• Looper K's the pitcher.
• Braun in an interview "We know we may upset the opponents sometimes." In other words, the Brewers are a bunch of punks and they know it. Anderson and Schroeder take this as a positive.
• Bounce out to Billy Hall. He does have a good arm, I'll give him that. 3-0 Brewers

Time to take the dog out.

Top 4th

• Hardy walk. He ain't going anywhere. Slowest middle infielder in history.
• Bill Hall at bat!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The anticipation is building.......
• Hall strikes out
• Actually he hasn't, I'm just guessing. Two strikes right now.
• A throw to first!!!! Hardy back just in time. Come on. Did they not do their homework?
• Hit and run attempt with Hardy and Hall. If I had to create the greatest hit and run combo, Hall and Hardy would be at the top of the list. Hall fouls it off.
• Hall strikes out.
• This time I'm serious. He watches a pitch right down the middle.
• Dollar to all our readers if Kendall goes yard here.
• Popout to center. 2 out. Hardy still on first.
• Kendall 2nd among catchers in fan voting. Wow.
• Wild pitch. Hardy to 2nd.
• 3-0 to Looper. Does he get the green light???????????????????
• Looper walks, much to the dismay of the packed house.
• Hart up with a duck on the pond.
• Braves traded for Nate McLouth. Pretty good trade for them.
• Hart touches his nuts a lot.
• Halfway through Hart's swing he seems to stop giving a shit.
• Hart K's
• 3-0 Brewers

Fuck AFLAC

I now want to explore Minnesota because a commercial just told me to. Actually, I've lived in Rochester, St Cloud and Owatonna. I've had enough Minnesota.

Bottom of 4th

• Jorge Cantu with the first hit for the Marlins. A home run to left. 3-1 Brewers. The fans are fighting for that one like Bonds' record breaker.
• Looper recovers. A solo shot isn't too bad.
• 3-1 Brewers

Ok, this is taxing.

Top of 5th

• Rally time
• Infield hit by Braun
• Solid single by Fielder
• US Cellular call to the bullpen for the Marlins.
• Cameron walk. Good call to the bullpen
• Bases juiced. Hardy up.
• He watches two straight fastball strikes. The 2nd was on a tee.
• Ground ball to 3rd. Force at home. God we suck in clutch situations.
• Now it's up to Hall. He runs the count 3-0. Obviously they don't want to give him something to hit, although the bases are loaded.
• Hall walks!!! It's like when they used to intentionally walk Bonds with the bases loaded. I'm pretty sure this was an unintentional-intentional walk. 4-1 Brewers.
• I reiterate - good call to the bullpen.
• Kendall has one grand slam in his career? No fucking way.
• Full count, bases loaded, 2 outs. Pretty sure he just swung at ball 4
• Kendall walks. 5-1 Brewers. Excellent call to the bullpen.
• Looper walks. Hayden Penn just walked the bottom 3rd of the order with the bases loaded. Fabulous call to the bullpen. 6-1 Brewers.
• Another US Cellular call to the bullpen.
• Hard shot by Hart to 3rd. Booted by Bonifacio. Then a bad throw to 1st. Another run. 7-1 Brewers.
• McGehee up for the 2nd time this inning. Double to left center! 9-1 Brewers.
• Schroeder would take it up the pooper from McGehee
• Braun K's
• Great rally. Good call by me

I got us a 9-1 lead. With that I politely bow out. Good night. Time to go chill on my iPhone.

Parra Es Muy Sucky

The one thing about a 10-1 beating is that it gives me something to write about. It is alot harder to think of something to write when the team is winning. Because you can only say "They are awesome" in so many ways. Alot of funny-ish things happened last night, and this is all in the two innings I actually watched.

- If the Brewers get crushed 10-1, but nobody is there to see it, did it really happen. There were literally less than 1,000 people at that game last night in Florida. Fucking embarrassing for them. It has got to be awkward for the Brewers to go from three straight 40,000 plus, drunken, raucous sell outs, to playing a game in front of groupies and player's parents.

-Did Jorge Julio kidnap Manny Parra, put on his jersey, and start last night? Holy shit was he bad. When he wasn't bouncing pitches ten feet in front of the plate, he was grooving fastballs right down the middle. My favorite part about last night's game was Macha storming out to the mound (and I use that term loosely because he is always fairly relaxed), and waiving off Kendall so he could bitch at Parra for sucking. I don't think I'd ever seen that before. My theory is that he was going to use racial slurs, or threaten his family and didn't want anyone to hear. Bill Schroeder said, "I don't think he wants any witnesses."

-But why did the Brewers just basically give up in the 3rd inning? By the time it got to 4-1, it was clear that Parra didn't have anything. It is interesting though, and probably the hardest part of being a manager. The bullpen was sort of toast, so you either overwork them some more, try to keep it close, and hope to come back. Or you leave your starter out there to be demoralized and mail in the next six innings. Which is what Macha chose. Ultimately, it might have been the proper move, but giving up 10 runs in 4 innings isn't going to help Parra's confidence. By the 4th, Schroeder and Anderson were openly talking about either getting drunk or banging chicks on South Beach. It was all in code, unlike Ueck who would've just said it.

- How much longer before Parra comes down with a mystery injury? Is skipped in the rotation? Is sent down? Problem is the lack of other options. DiFelice could start, but his elbow is not doing so hot. I guess Dillard is tearing up AAA. We probably need a lefty in the rotation, but the only one I can think of is GASP Cappy, but I don't think he's throwing in real games yet. Conundrum.

Archie Manning Tags Revisited

I was bored at "work", and I was going through all of the tags we have used. Below are some of my favorites. I bet you can't even guess what the post is actually about. I had a good laugh.

all hot chicks date douchebags (1)
assraped in a trade (1)
Bear doesn't like Dungy for very personal reasons (whatever those reasons are) (1)
bulbous smelly vaginas (1)
bullfuckingshit (1)
Childress would've had crawfish attached to his nipples in under an hour (1)
cockfaces (1)
corpses that can sing (1)
cunts (1)
deep fissures in someone's face (1)
doing cocaine is not cool (I hear) (1)
domestic violence is only funny when it isn't happening to you (1)
drug induced coma (1)
erections (1)
fascism sucks (1)
fat fucker (8)
fat people running like someone is chasing them (2)
Freddie Mitchell is enjoying his time burning in hell and McNabb is next (1)
fucktards (3)
giant pile of shit (2)
ginger kids (2)
God is an a-hole (1)
goddamn hippies (1)
Golden Shower (1)
grown men pissing themselves in public (1)
having your virginity forcefully taken (1)
hindsight is like 20/15 (1)
horsies (2)
hot Somalians (1)
hot wives (1)
I am a gigantic vagina (1)
I am going to invent a car to run on baby shit (1)
I am mildly retarded (1)
I don't care what spell-checker says bubbler is a word (1)
I'm not sure what person I wrote that in (1)
I'm SHOCKED she was voting Obama (1)
If I worked at the mall I would be a serial killer (1)
It's called toothpaste (1)
janky (3)
Jesus (1)
Joe Blow Rottencrotch is Mary Jane's brother (1)
just fuck and get it over with (1)
killing dudes while driving drunk (1)
killing old people for food I don't need (1)
knees are for pussies (1)
live abortions (3)
lying pieces of shit (1)
making it rain on those bitches (2)
Maroney was still ugly in college (1)
Marshawn v. Delonte West who is ugliest? (1)
masturbatory references (1)
mullets (1)
mustaches (1)
my advice would be to get a job sir (1)
naked chicks (1)
no beating off (1)
not whoring yourself out (1)
NYC alley skank (1)
Octopus (1)
once more and I'm going on a murderous rampage (1)
Palamalulululu (1)
people in Africa don't have dishwashers either (1)
People who had strokes giving out NFL draft advice (1)
porn (1)
pretty sure I saw a fib drinking a cosmo in the parking lot (1)
putting things out of thier misery (1)
QBs who were better than Ryan Leaf but played less (1)
redruM (1)
regurgitating shit (2)
retards are people too (2)
RF bar skanks (1)
Ricky's Vagina (1)
Rimjob.net Bowl (3)
Saddam Hussien used to tell people to get bent when questioned and look how that turned out for him (1)
skanks (1)
sloppy seconds (1)
smoking hot bitches (1)
sodomy (1)
stepping on one's dick (1)
stomping on a dude's face because he was inconvienencing you with his defense (1)
stoned pets (1)
stupid cooze (1)
sucking dicks (2)
Suppan sucks big floppy donkey dick (1)
tall white guys on coke (1)
the guy with the made up first name that "plays" QB for the Queens (1)
things that are more fun drunk (2)
throwing 350 innings a year hurts pitcher's arms (1)
titty balls (2)
Todd Marinovich's dad (1)
Tony LaRussa is a cocksucker (1)
Toys R' Us is on the outskirts of hell (1)
trannies (1)
Uecker built the Hoover Dam (1)
unannounced crank (1)
uncouth behavior (1)
urine (1)
velociraptors (1)
Visanthe Shiancoe's manspear (1)
Wade Boggs once drank 45 beers on a cross country flight (1)
wet pants (3)
words of wisdom from a guy who probably barely graduated from high school (1)
Worm's sex noises (1)
zubaz pants (1)

I Am Impressed With Management

Wow. That is some strong shit. I'm glad to see the accountability. I thoroughly enjoyed reading that headline. Best of luck on the Nationals.

Miami Is Burning II: Attack of the Fatty Tumor

I totally forgot about Prince "Fatty Tumor" Fielder last night! He had given everyone so little to complain about this season (and really, he still hasn't), but last night he reappeared in all his glory. First and second, nobody out, and he decides out of the blue to try to steal fucking third base. It was totally the Willie Mays Hayes slide on Major League where the guy at third was waiting with the ball (except he didn't come up short on the slide).

THEN, in the midst of the Great Miami Fire of 2009, he let an easy grounder go through the wickets, that cost the Crew at least one, if not two runs.

In non Fatty Tumor related news, in that same Great Miami Fire of 2009, Braun and Cameron were both removed for injuries. If either is serious, that one single inning could have turned the entire Brewer season around.

PS. SportsBottle travels to every U.S. city at least once per year. And somehow fits in time for two week vacations to the tropics, keeping the streets safe from crime, and beating the bishop three times a day. He is an amazing human being.

PPS. So are we still going to Vegas October 22nd?

PPPS. Oh yeah, brother, I forgot to mention we definitely aren't going Labor Day anymore. SportsBottle managed to find one day out of the year that he can't get off.

Miami Is Burning!!!

Where to start on last night's game. Well, I think I've found my new least favorite Brewer, and another rekindled my hatred. Both gave me something to bitch about today. Public Enemy number one is Jorge Julio. Wanted for one count of arson for single handedly starting the fire that burned down Joe Robbie Stadium (Landshark is not good), and then making matters worse by dousing his own fire with the gas can he has been carrying around all season. See, I hadn't been able to fully appreciate how much he sucks because he is so bad that he only pitches like once every two weeks. Like one of my bosses said to me today, "Who is that pitcher the Brewers threw out there last night?" And Julio has been on the team all season, which just goes to show how much he sucks. Here was his line last night: 0 IP, 2H, 4 ER, 5 R, 0K, 2 BB, 2HBP. Now THAT is major league quality. We really don't have anyone else in the minors that can do better? I realize he's got a high 90's fastball, but if he can't get anyone out with it, who cares? SportsBottle said he is Derrick Turnbow, which is a pretty apt comparison. Give me anyone that can throw a strike at 90 mph, even if the guy has no future with the organization, that can give me an inning or two of mop up every few weeks. Which is all Julio was ever fit to do. What the fuck was he doing pitching in a 2 run game?? At least Yost isn't still the manager, or you would be guaranteed to see Julio again tonight. Bad decision by Macha, worse pitching by Julio.

Public Enemy number two is Billy Hall, wanted for attempting to fan Julio's flames with the wind from he bat as he managed to swing through ball four, three times in an at bat with nobody out and the bases loaded, even though Miller had just walked two straight on 9 pitches, and then fell behind 3-1. Oh, and Miller is a lefty whom Hall is supposed to murder. I realize Hall has to play on occasion, but fuck. Give me SOMETHING. And by something I don't mean killing an early inning rally by swinging at pitches at your eyes.

"THE HANGOVER"

The first few times I saw the preview for this movie, I thought it looked fucking terrible and stupid. However, I just saw an extended trailer last night, and now that I understand the premise/plot a little better, it looks like it could be spectacular. I thought it was just going to be a goofy getting drunk and doing stupid things movie, which usually doesn't work. But actually, it is the guys waking up hungover and trying to piece together what happened, which we've all done, and could be fucking hilarious. The fat dude carrying around the random baby is great.

NYC TRIP

The wife and I are going to NYC in a few weeks. One of the few relevant things to discuss right now is the fact that I made a deal with Satan and bought New York Yankee tickets last night. I'm surly going to burn in hell for giving Stienbrenner any of my money. At least it was on the secondary market, so the Yankees already have their money. We are going to the June 18th Thursday afternoon game against the Nats. It will in all likely hood be a terrible game, but tickets were only $15 (ask my brother how good the seats are since I bought them), but the main thing is going there I guess. A tour was $20 each, so we might as well save $5 and get murdered rooting against the Yanks. Does anyone have a Nats hat I can borrow? We discussed going to a Mets/Rays game at Citi Field, but a) the tickets were a little more, b) seeing a good game between two teams I don't care about isn't that important and c) for some reason going to a game at Yankee Stadium seems cooler. So it should be pretty fun to get blackout drunk at a new stadium (note: probably won't actually get blackout drunk). This furthers my eventual goal in life to see a game at every MLB and NFL stadium before I die. The count will be 3 MLB (Milwaukee, KC, NYY) and 2 NFL (GB, MIN). So I've got a ways to go. (note: will probably never fucking happen).

It's about time

Being a Brewers fan and being exposed to the Dome while being swept last week really put me into a funk. I don't know what the hell it is about the big inflatable toilet, but we just can't play good baseball there. Left with the prospect of being unable to attain my revenge because of a mid-week Brewers-Twins series at Miller Park, I was put into a mild sports depression.

Then we swept the Reds and Brandon Phillips talked shit. I'm better now.

Took this excerpt from a JSOnline post about All-Star voting. "One lucky fan will win a night in Ryan Braun’s suite at Miller Park, complete with meet and greet with Braun before the game. Full details are available on the website." What are the chances that this "lucky fan" is some random hottie that Braun plows through before the game? I'd say it's at roughly 97%.

So Donald Driver wants a new contract? Even though he's 34, the clear #2 WR on the team and makes 6.5 and 7 million dollars over the next two years? What? Did Javon Walker get really bored last week and mail Donald over some of his Kool-Aid? Here's a tip, don't take the same career steps as Javon "I was found bludgeoned in a Las Vegas hallway" Walker. Here's the ESPN article about it. I like how they conveniently mis-reported how much he's making over the next two years. Way to really dig into the story Bristol. Even after undercutting his salary by 3 million dollars a year they still make it sound like he's insane for demanding a new contract.

I'd probably have a lot more to say, especially about the Brewers, if I could actually watch some of their damn games, Bob paints a beautiful picture over the radio, but I sometimes lose 2-3 innings due to ramblings about the Hoover Dam and what not...