Abominations: NFL, LDT and The Deli

As much as I love the NFL, it SUCKS when the Pack is on a bye.  Regardless, I still got a solid 4.5 hours in yesterday.  The NFL spared me the Lions/Redskins (thank god) to show the Cowboys/Bucs, which was a snoozefest, but it could have been worse, in that it could have been the FUCKING Jets/Chiefs game, which was one of the most poorly played games in professional football history, and was only on because the network fucks in Green Bay decided that we should be subjected to him floating interceptions into triple coverage for a 17th straight year, rather than, I don't know, watching a GOOD football game.  Its not that I have a vendetta against watching he and the Jets.  If the Jets are playing a notable game, or are playing a divisional opponent, then by all means, force it on my television.  But Jets/Chiefs?   First off, the Chiefs are a horrible, horrible football team, and Bear is starting at QB.  Second, the Jets must be the worst 4-3 team in the history of football, because they barely won.  (As an aside, it came on a terrible "game winning" TD pass from him, that was only not a "game losing" FOURTH INT because Lavern Coles made a fantastic catch and stole it from the defender, who had much better position.  Also, headlines everywhere are how he lead the Jets to a comeback victory, even though they were only behind in the first place because of him).  I am sick and tired of being forced to watch them.  And before someone comes with a "change the channel" comeback, I am going to say fuck you, because it is the NFL and I shouldn't HAVE to watch the shitty Jets play because I don't live in NYC.

 

There was another horrendous abomination that occurred overnight last night in the Orenthal James Simpson Football Association.  Schmock has agreed to trade LaDanian Tomlinson and Darren McFadden to Richard for Brandon "I will be in prison in a year" Marshall and Larry "I spit dranks in bitches faces" Johnson.  Let's break this trade down:

 

LDT was the number 2 overall pick this year in most leagues.  Was the number 1 pick two years ago in our league, and has been kept by Schmock twice.  Ranked 6th amongst running backs in fantasy points in our league.  Widely considered to be on the upswing, after having one of his best games of the year, and has a bye week upcoming, which should allow him to become nearly 100% healthy.

 

McFadden was considered before the year to be the top rookie coming in.  His problem is that the Raiders are like a blind person fucking, and are being coached by Al Davis from the booth, whose offensive playbook is: "Hsssssss.  Throw it deep. Hssssssssss."  Potential keeper because of his youth.  Not the full time starter now, but likely will be in the next 2 years.  Ranked 44th amongst running backs.

 

Brandon Marshall was suspended for the first game of the year, I believe for an OWI, and has been in many-a legal trouble in his short career.  The chances of him getting suspended again for some type of offense are somewhere between 100  and 10,000%/  With him, it is just a matter of when.  My brother has referred to him as "the next Adam Jones".  Currently 6th amongst WR, slightly fewer points than LDT.

 

Larry Johnson used to be good.  He was a keeper this year, although it was pretty much out of necessity on Ricky's part.  There were probably some teams that would have considered letting him go.  He has hit the wall as a running back, partly because he is on a horrible, horrible team (see above), partly because he carried the ball approximately 7,458 times in three years under Herm Edwards.  He will also probably be suspended and/or jailed relatively soon for his problem "respecting" women (i.e. punching, pushing, spitting on them).  He's no Lawrence Phillips (yet.).  Only average future value.  Full time starter now, but likely won't be in the next two or three years due to violence against women and old age. Currently ranked 42nd amongst RB.

 

On its face, if you look at pure rankings today, you might say this is equal.  But you have to consider the rest of the season, and future because it is a keeper league.  LDT, while disappointing this year, still has a bright future, and may well end up being the number one back again and is still a top 10 pick in this league.  Marshall is a WR, and while probably a keeper, isn't LDT.  Johnson is D-U-N.  McFadden may or may not be a keeper, but may end up being really good.  I think Schmock is a dipshit.  And of course Ricky will complain because he drugged Schmock and convinced him it was a good idea.

 

Now for the deli story.  Last night I went grocery shopping with the wife at the local Piggly Wiggly.  This particular Pig is a second rate establishment, ranking similar to "Campus Quillan's" in La Crosse.  They never have anything you need, the prices are exorbitant, and everything is covered in dust.  We were too lazy to drive out of our way to go to the good store, so we chanced it.  The deli is near the front of the store, so it is one of the first stops.  I was going to get the lunch meat quick, and then catch up to the wife in order to save time, because we both hate grocery stores in general.  This is an actual transcript of my conversation at the deli counter.

 

ME: I'll take a half a pound of the oven roasted turkey. /pointing

 

DELI WORKER: Which one?

 

ME: I dunno, that one.  The one on sale for $3.99 a pound.

 

DW: Farm Fresh is $5.99 a pound.

 

ME: Yes, but I would like the other one, the $3.99 one.

 

DW: (reaching around, looking for it, confused, finally finds it in the cooler, walks to the slicer) How much did you want?

 

ME: A half pound.

 

DW: Shaved?

 

ME: (under my breath: Jesus Christ) Yeah, that's fine.

 

DW comes over to the scale, puts 3 fucking pounds of sliced meat on it (almost bitch), finally pares it down to my requested half pound.  It comes up at $7.99 a pound.

 

ME: Wasn't it $3.99 a pound.

 

DW: That was the Farm Fresh.

 

ME:  No, Farm Fresh was $5.99, this is another brand, on sale for $3.99.

 

DW comes around the counter to look at the price because she doesn't believe me, and studies it, finally relents.

 

DW: Would you like anything else?

 

ME: A quarter pound of the P.C. Honey Ham.

 

DW: (looking quizzically) P.C. Honey Ham?  I haven't heard of that.  Do you mean Farm Fresh?

 

ME: No, I mean the P.C. (fucking) Honey Ham. /pointing right at it

 

DW: I'll go check.  (goes back to cooler for 10 minutes, without ham, walks out to the front).  Which one? 

 

ME: That one.

 

DW opens wrong side of the case, fumbles around.  I correct her that it is in the fucking other side, the one I'm pointing at.

 

DW walks to the slicer.

 

DW: How much did you want?

 

ME: Quarter pound.

 

DW comes back with 2 1/2 pounds of sliced meat.

 

DW:  Anything else?

 

ME (shuddering) Half pound of Swiss cheese?

 

DW: Which one?

 

ME: The (I shit you not) "Scott Peterson" brand.

 

DW gets it out of cooler.

DW: How much?

 

ME: A half pound.

 

DW Comes back with 2 pounds of sliced cheese, puts on scale.

 

After she hands me my cheese, I turn around to see my wife standing there with a full cart, asking me if I had been there the whole time.  It took me 30 fucking minutes to complete this simple transaction.  I then put that bitches head in the meat slicer.  The end.