The NBA re-visited

So last night I began my quest to follow the Milwaukee Bucks with at least a little bit of urgency and effort.  One person in the Juice household is less than excited about it.  The response from Mrs. Juice when she found out I wanted to watch the Bucks game last night was "If I had a penis, it would be soft.", which is a twist on one of my favorite sayings: "BLANK is making my penis soft."  Hilarity ensued.  Anyways, I ignored my wife's flaccid and imaginary manhood, and treated myself to 2 1/2 hours of Scott Skiles.  It wasn't awful.  That is really the best thing I can say about it.  I did briefly fall asleep early in the fourth quarter.  Amazingly, I wasn't the only person keeping tabs last night.  Dan actually sent me a series of Bucks related text messages.  (My wife was annoyed by Brewers related messages, I can't even imagine how she feels about Bucks messages.)  We reached a consensus via 4 word sentences that Charlie Villanueva will not be around much longer, either because he will be traded, be murdered by Scott Skiles, or be in prison for murdering Skiles himself.  He started and played...9 minutes.  When you are losing playing time to a rookie second round pick and Malik fucking Allen.  Also, we were both surprised by the absence of Joe "White Lightning" Alexander from the court, really at all.  All preseason we heard how athletic and talented he was, and that he had a very outside shot at rookie of the year.  Well that is going to be a little difficult if Skiles pulls his Larry Brown refuse to play a rookie under any circumstances act.  The bottom line is that the Bucks committed like 100 fouls, which led to Bogut and Jefferson sitting most of the game, and a parade of foul shots by the Bulls.  Problem is, I don't think the Bulls are very good, which is slightly scary to me.

 

Tonight, they help the OKC Thunder open up in the first real game for them.  I predict they get blown off the floor, only because the crowd is going to be mental.  Durant goes for 37-13-5.

Speaking of Creighton basektball...

Jays are tabbed to win the Valley...

http://www.gocreighton.com/ViewArticle.dbml?SPSID=89381&SPID=69&DB_OEM_ID=1000&ATCLID=1612620

As a fan, I know this doesn't mean shit until they actually play all the games and end up in first place. Nonetheless, we'll take the accolades. Along with the first place prediction, one of the guards is picked to be first-team all conference. He has one of the best names in the league, P'Allen Stinett. P'Allen is near the top of my list for male names for the baby which we may or may not have in the next 20 years. I'm not sure how the wife feels about it yet, but I'm definitely gonna push for it.

I leave you with this great Youtube clip from our sacred, then traitor, then back to sacred again, Coach Dana Altman. No wonder he didn't stick around at Arkansas.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeUZFagfR80

I would link the youtube clip like Juice, but I'm too dumb to know how.

Signs of the Apocolypse

1) Anthony "A-Train" Tolliver has made an NBA roster. He will be playing 12th man for Spurs. He will be best remembered for being the most awkwardly good player in NCAA basketball, a title he shares with Mike Wilkinson of UW. He will also be remembered for the ridiculous buzzer beater against Wichita St. in '06, and refereeing flag football as a "job". Below are two highlights that were typical of his illustrious career while I was at Creighton.



2) The Brewers reportedly are going to offer CC $100 fucking million clams for 4 years. I'm not sure what rumored and reportedly means, but whatever. If this is true, I'm flabbergasted. This would figure to be about 1/4 of their salary. It is probably just a good faith showing to the fans that they were serious, figuring they will be outbid no matter what. The general feeling seems to be that his market is only about $20mil, so this offer is a good one. But someone will offer more years, or more money.

Worthless, Uniformed Top 25

Rk (BCS) (Last Wk)
1(3)Penn St. 9-0 (3)
2(1)Texas 8-0 (1)
3(2)Alabama 8-0 (2)
4(13)TCU 8-1 (5)
5(7)Texas Tech 8-0 (10)
6(10)Utah 8-0 (4)
7(16)Ball St. 8-0 (7)
8(18)Tulsa 8-0 (9)
9(4)Oklahoma 7-1 (11)
10(6)Georgia 7-1 (13)
11(11)Boise St. 7-0 (12)
12(9)Oklahoma St. 7-1 (6)
13(12)Ohio St. 7-2 (8)
14(5)USC 6-1 (15)
15(21)Michigan St. 7-2 (22)
16(17)Minnesota 7-1 (24)
17(20)BYU 7-1 (19)
18(8)Florida 6-1 (21)
19(14)Missouri 6-2 (NR)
20(24)Oregon 6-2 (NR)
21(NR)Maryland 6-2 (NR)
22(19)LSU 5-2 (16)
23(23)South Florida 6-2 (14)
24(NR)Air Force 6-2 (NR)
25(NR)Fresno St. 5-2 (NR)

Dropped Out: Pitt (17), Vanderbilt (18), Northwestern (20), Georgia Tech (23), Cincinnati (25)

In BCS, not in my ratings: Florida St. (15), North Carolina (22), UConn (25)

Grossly Overrated: Oklahoma, USC, Florida, Missouri, Florida St.

Grossly Underrated: TCU, Ball St., Tulsa, Michigan St., Maryland

For what its worth, Texas and Penn St. are virtually tied, Alabama is a close 3rd, and then there is a large gap between 3 and 4. Texas will take a huge lead with a win at #5 Texas Tech next week. Texas Tech will not even pass Texas if they beat them (which is bullshit in my OWN poll).

Abominations: NFL, LDT and The Deli

As much as I love the NFL, it SUCKS when the Pack is on a bye.  Regardless, I still got a solid 4.5 hours in yesterday.  The NFL spared me the Lions/Redskins (thank god) to show the Cowboys/Bucs, which was a snoozefest, but it could have been worse, in that it could have been the FUCKING Jets/Chiefs game, which was one of the most poorly played games in professional football history, and was only on because the network fucks in Green Bay decided that we should be subjected to him floating interceptions into triple coverage for a 17th straight year, rather than, I don't know, watching a GOOD football game.  Its not that I have a vendetta against watching he and the Jets.  If the Jets are playing a notable game, or are playing a divisional opponent, then by all means, force it on my television.  But Jets/Chiefs?   First off, the Chiefs are a horrible, horrible football team, and Bear is starting at QB.  Second, the Jets must be the worst 4-3 team in the history of football, because they barely won.  (As an aside, it came on a terrible "game winning" TD pass from him, that was only not a "game losing" FOURTH INT because Lavern Coles made a fantastic catch and stole it from the defender, who had much better position.  Also, headlines everywhere are how he lead the Jets to a comeback victory, even though they were only behind in the first place because of him).  I am sick and tired of being forced to watch them.  And before someone comes with a "change the channel" comeback, I am going to say fuck you, because it is the NFL and I shouldn't HAVE to watch the shitty Jets play because I don't live in NYC.

 

There was another horrendous abomination that occurred overnight last night in the Orenthal James Simpson Football Association.  Schmock has agreed to trade LaDanian Tomlinson and Darren McFadden to Richard for Brandon "I will be in prison in a year" Marshall and Larry "I spit dranks in bitches faces" Johnson.  Let's break this trade down:

 

LDT was the number 2 overall pick this year in most leagues.  Was the number 1 pick two years ago in our league, and has been kept by Schmock twice.  Ranked 6th amongst running backs in fantasy points in our league.  Widely considered to be on the upswing, after having one of his best games of the year, and has a bye week upcoming, which should allow him to become nearly 100% healthy.

 

McFadden was considered before the year to be the top rookie coming in.  His problem is that the Raiders are like a blind person fucking, and are being coached by Al Davis from the booth, whose offensive playbook is: "Hsssssss.  Throw it deep. Hssssssssss."  Potential keeper because of his youth.  Not the full time starter now, but likely will be in the next 2 years.  Ranked 44th amongst running backs.

 

Brandon Marshall was suspended for the first game of the year, I believe for an OWI, and has been in many-a legal trouble in his short career.  The chances of him getting suspended again for some type of offense are somewhere between 100  and 10,000%/  With him, it is just a matter of when.  My brother has referred to him as "the next Adam Jones".  Currently 6th amongst WR, slightly fewer points than LDT.

 

Larry Johnson used to be good.  He was a keeper this year, although it was pretty much out of necessity on Ricky's part.  There were probably some teams that would have considered letting him go.  He has hit the wall as a running back, partly because he is on a horrible, horrible team (see above), partly because he carried the ball approximately 7,458 times in three years under Herm Edwards.  He will also probably be suspended and/or jailed relatively soon for his problem "respecting" women (i.e. punching, pushing, spitting on them).  He's no Lawrence Phillips (yet.).  Only average future value.  Full time starter now, but likely won't be in the next two or three years due to violence against women and old age. Currently ranked 42nd amongst RB.

 

On its face, if you look at pure rankings today, you might say this is equal.  But you have to consider the rest of the season, and future because it is a keeper league.  LDT, while disappointing this year, still has a bright future, and may well end up being the number one back again and is still a top 10 pick in this league.  Marshall is a WR, and while probably a keeper, isn't LDT.  Johnson is D-U-N.  McFadden may or may not be a keeper, but may end up being really good.  I think Schmock is a dipshit.  And of course Ricky will complain because he drugged Schmock and convinced him it was a good idea.

 

Now for the deli story.  Last night I went grocery shopping with the wife at the local Piggly Wiggly.  This particular Pig is a second rate establishment, ranking similar to "Campus Quillan's" in La Crosse.  They never have anything you need, the prices are exorbitant, and everything is covered in dust.  We were too lazy to drive out of our way to go to the good store, so we chanced it.  The deli is near the front of the store, so it is one of the first stops.  I was going to get the lunch meat quick, and then catch up to the wife in order to save time, because we both hate grocery stores in general.  This is an actual transcript of my conversation at the deli counter.

 

ME: I'll take a half a pound of the oven roasted turkey. /pointing

 

DELI WORKER: Which one?

 

ME: I dunno, that one.  The one on sale for $3.99 a pound.

 

DW: Farm Fresh is $5.99 a pound.

 

ME: Yes, but I would like the other one, the $3.99 one.

 

DW: (reaching around, looking for it, confused, finally finds it in the cooler, walks to the slicer) How much did you want?

 

ME: A half pound.

 

DW: Shaved?

 

ME: (under my breath: Jesus Christ) Yeah, that's fine.

 

DW comes over to the scale, puts 3 fucking pounds of sliced meat on it (almost bitch), finally pares it down to my requested half pound.  It comes up at $7.99 a pound.

 

ME: Wasn't it $3.99 a pound.

 

DW: That was the Farm Fresh.

 

ME:  No, Farm Fresh was $5.99, this is another brand, on sale for $3.99.

 

DW comes around the counter to look at the price because she doesn't believe me, and studies it, finally relents.

 

DW: Would you like anything else?

 

ME: A quarter pound of the P.C. Honey Ham.

 

DW: (looking quizzically) P.C. Honey Ham?  I haven't heard of that.  Do you mean Farm Fresh?

 

ME: No, I mean the P.C. (fucking) Honey Ham. /pointing right at it

 

DW: I'll go check.  (goes back to cooler for 10 minutes, without ham, walks out to the front).  Which one? 

 

ME: That one.

 

DW opens wrong side of the case, fumbles around.  I correct her that it is in the fucking other side, the one I'm pointing at.

 

DW walks to the slicer.

 

DW: How much did you want?

 

ME: Quarter pound.

 

DW comes back with 2 1/2 pounds of sliced meat.

 

DW:  Anything else?

 

ME (shuddering) Half pound of Swiss cheese?

 

DW: Which one?

 

ME: The (I shit you not) "Scott Peterson" brand.

 

DW gets it out of cooler.

DW: How much?

 

ME: A half pound.

 

DW Comes back with 2 pounds of sliced cheese, puts on scale.

 

After she hands me my cheese, I turn around to see my wife standing there with a full cart, asking me if I had been there the whole time.  It took me 30 fucking minutes to complete this simple transaction.  I then put that bitches head in the meat slicer.  The end.

 

 

Just as I predicted...

ESPN immediately throws up a news article about how awesome Favre's comeback win was today. Maybe they forgot the whole reason they were down at all was because Favre threw a pick earlier in the game that lead to a Chiefs touchdown and then threw another pick that got returned for another TD? Fuck ESPN and fuck Favre.

Also that new Guitar Hero commercial with Tony Hawk, Kobe Bryant, A-Rod and Michael Phelps is really creepy and leads me to believe that all four of those individuals had sex with each other.

World Series Update

Really good game last night and this morning. The reason for the post is to point out that Gabe Gross is hitting .056 in the post season. I'm feeling better and better about getting rid of him.

Jeeez. I think Sal and I could be friends

A few nuggets from ESPN's Sal Paolantonio on some radio station in Atlanta.  (Slightly redacted for the purposes of this blog)

 

1)"Do I think what he did was wrong?  Yes"

 

2)"[He Who Shall Not Be Named] has to be smarter than that, and he was never terribly smart,"

 

3)"He feels like he can just lie. . . . You can't lie, because (a) you're [He Who Shall Not Be Named]and (b) we're gonna catch you on it.  So you're lying.  That's the biggest problem I have with this whole thing."

 

4)But what of the fact that the Lions still were blown out?

"So you weren't very much help, and you aren't very much help to the Jets," Paolantonio said.  "So go home."

He might be my new favorite sports writer.

Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah

Last Wk: 4-10!!!!!!

Season: 43-57-2

 

TB (+2), Was (-7.5), Buf (-1), NE (-7), SD (-3), KC (+13), Atl (+9), Car (-4), Bal (-7.5), Hou (-9.5), Jax (-7), NYG (+3), SF (-5), Ten (-4).

 

By the way, for everyone's (like 2 people) information, I took the week off from picks (mostly because it is getting embarrassing considering I watch between 6 and 9 hours of NFL every Sunday, and can only pick 4 out of 14 games correctly), and have decided to bring a Clydesdale into my office to make the picks.  The way it went was that I would read off the lines, and if the horse either took a shit, or got a boner, I would write down the corresponding pick.  By the way, his name is Mr. Dingle.  And he's beautiful.  And I feed him beef-o-rino.

 

My bitching today takes us to the lovely city of St. Petersberg, FL.  There was a little thing called Game 2 of the World Series taking place there last night.  Fine game, blah, blah, but what I really want to get to is the fans in Tampa.  It's great that they are excited for their team (now that they realize that there is a baseball team there), and they ring all of their cowbells and shave their pubes into Mohawks, and color their hair blue and whatever.  All good stuff.  What I found to be ridiculous last night was when there was one out in the top of the 8th, and the Rays led 4-1, the crowd was singing "Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Hey, Hey, Hey, Goooood Byyyyyyyye!"  Are you people fucking serious?  Did I miss some kind of inside joke here, like there is some kind of reason they were singing it with Victorino at bat?  Of course Eric fucking Bruntlett promptly stepped up as a pinch hitter and hammered a David Price fastball over the left field wall.  Philly didn't come all the way back but 1) why take the chance of tempting fate like that?  2) do they not realize baseball is 9 innings?  and 3) I'm positive I've never heard that chant anywhere but a high school or college basketball game.  I thoroughly look forward to hearing the following chants in Game 6 (if necessary)

 

1) Over-rated!! (clap, clap, clap, clap, clap)

2) Buuuullllll Shiiiiiiiit! (after a bad strike 3 call)

3) I'm blind, I'm deaf, I want to be a ref!

4)Deeee-Fence!, Deeeee-Fence!

5) Push 'em back, Push 'em back, waaaaay back!

6) Ohhhhhhhh! You! You! You! (after an opposing player gets caught stealing)

 

I'm sure there are plenty I'm missing.

Bye Week Blues

So at my work we have a meeting with the bosses and me on Thursday mornings to discuss things.  This meeting takes place around 7:30 am (which is typically when I roll in anyway, but still).  Today I show up and they were discussing "business matters" (i.e. paying bills and shit) which doesn't concern me, and quite frankly, I am not allowed anywhere near.  They asked me to basically go away for a while, so now I am sitting here playing with myself.  I don't know why that is relevant, other than I now have time to do this.

 

Bye weeks really, really suck.  If it wasn't for fantasy football, I would probably consider self harm.  I hate it when the Packers are off.  Just hate it.  All we get all week is stories about players getting healthy, and shit about a former player whom I could fucking care less about.  The only game I get to be emotionally invested in this weekend is the ass beating Bucky is going to take from Illinois.  Personally, I think we should eliminate the bye week all together, and just play games 365 days a year.

 

Had the ole fantasy basketball draft last night.  4 out of 10 league members showed up.  I randomly got the first pick, and I picked my man crush CP3.  Schmock picked 11 straight UNC players to the dismay of Dan (who has jacked off to a UNC team photo each year for the past 25 years).  I'm pretty sure there might be some former Tar Heel still available.  I've really got nothing else except to say that I am mildly looking forward to watching the Bucks lose 60 this year.

 

I swear this post had a point, but I got interrupted by a fucking "client" and forgot where it was going.

Weak A** World Series Preview

Tampa in 7.  Here is my justification: 

 

1) I believe that Tampa is slightly better on offense even though Philly might have the best three offensive players (Howard, Rollins, Utley) if that makes any sense.  Both teams rely almost exclusively on home runs, although Tampa has a slight edge in speed. 

 

2) I think Tampa has a rather large advantage in starting pitching, even though Philly has the best starter (Hamels). 

 

3) Philly has a much better closer (Lidge), and is solid at set-up (Madson).  Tampa has like 19 7th inning guys that are all solid, but nobody lock-down at the end. 

 

4)Defensively, I don't think either team is great, although Tampa seems to make more errors. 

 

5) Manager-wise, I really like Joe Maddon's "rayhawk" and glasses, and he seems to do goofy shit that is a little unconventional.  Manuel has the classic managerial gut, but is pretty goddamn boring. 

 

6) I think the "Trop" is more of a home field advantage than Citizen's Bank because of the cowbells, the weird fake grass, the awkward roof with all of the catwalks knocking down fly balls and the possibility that a live sting ray will jump out of the giant tank in center field and put a barb through Shane Victorino's eye.  Philly has "better" fans, and by that I simply mean that they've been going to games for a long time and probably more "passionate", which doesn't take much because as far as I know, Tampa didn't have a baseball team until about 5 minutes ago, and they were playing in front of crowds of 600 until September.  However, Philly fans are gigantic assholes and will probably be throwing cups of feces at Ryan Howard when he strikes out with the bases loaded in Game 3.

 

All of this equals a 7 gamer for Tampa.  I think Philly wins games 1, 4 and 5.  Two Hamels starts and a random other start.

Score!

I just wanted to point out the fantastic score I came upon at the grocery store the other night:

1) A sixer of the long awaited Leinie's Winter Seasonal: Fireside Nut Brown (Aftertaste of maple syrup! Tastes like Christmas! Wheee!) Seriously, its not bad, not fantastic. I would rate it slightly behind Summer Shandy, and Oktoberfest, but slightly ahead of Berry Weiss on the seasonal list.

2)Franken Berry: (Ed. Note: pink stool? And I dispute that it is easily found)

3)Boo Berry

4) Count Fuckin' Chocula

For the record, I've never heard of Yummy Mummy (1987-1993, sort of surprising I don't recall this one) or Fruit Brute (I guess it was retired in 1983, so that would probably explain it)

Wikipedia is spectacular.

Sorry for the non-sports post.

Done.

Worthless, Uninformed, Top 25

From here on out, I will put the BCS rankings next to my ranking for comparison. For the record, I think the BCS top few tend to work out with my poll at the end. The problem is that playing one game between the top two is still asinine, but whatever.

Rank/BCS Rank, Name, Record, Last Week
1(1) Texas 7-0 (5)
2(2) Alabama 7-0 (1)
3(3) Penn St. 8-0 (2)
4(11)Utah 8-0 (3)
5(14)TCU 7-1 (8)
6(6) Oklahoma St. 7-0 (6)
7(20)Ball St. 7-0 (4)
8(9) Ohio St. 7-1 (10)
9(19)Tulsa 7-0 (7)
10(8)Texas Tech 7-0 (13)
11(4)Oklahoma 6-1 (15)
12(12)Boise St. 6-0 (14)
13(7)Georgia 6-1 (18)
14(16)South Fla 6-1 (20)
15(5)USC 5-1 (NR)
16(13)LSU 5-1 (NR)
17(17)Pitt 5-1 (NR)
18(NR)Vanderbilt 5-2 (12)
19(21)BYU 6-1 (9)
20(22)N'Western 6-1 (25)
21(10)Florida 5-1 (16)
22(NR)Mich. St. 6-2 (11)
23(18)Geo Tech 6-1 (NR)
24(24)Minnesota 6-1 (17)
25(NR)Cincinnati 5-1 (21)

Dropped Out of my poll: Missouri (19), Kansas (22), Virginia Tech (23), North Carolina (24)

In BCS and not in my poll: Missouri, Kansas, Florida St.

This Guy Will Kill You

This seriously has to be fake. Like that YouTube video where the girl runs up the outfield wall for a foul ball, or that Powerade commercial where Vick throws the 125yd pass. But it certainly looks real. And if it is, it is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen I think.

Traitor

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Jake Peavy Doesn't Care Much for Winning

So the Padres are trying desperately to unload P Jake Peavy. Jake Peavy is an excellent pitcher. He is a potential Cy Young every year. He would be the ace on at least 2/3 of the teams in the majors. He also has a full no-trade clause, meaning he can just sit on his ass and be unhappy, while dominating hitters, enjoying the weather, and going 10-12 with a 2.75 ERA until 2013 if he wants.

The whole scenario here is a little bizarre, because San Diego was in the playoffs LAST YEAR!! (Well, sort of, they lost a tiebreaker, but still). I believe they were there the year before as well. But this year, they were a shit streak at the bottom of the NL West, and now have decided to clean house.

Peavy has allegedly named the teams he would be willing to go to: Atlanta, St. Louis, Cubs, Dodgers and Houston. Noticeably not on that list, among others, is the Milwaukee Brewers. Why would a player not want to come to Milwaukee right now? He already has a fat contract, so money isn't an issue. They have some of the best young talent in the league. They play in a dome when it is shitty out, and the summers are lovely. The facilities are tremendous. Beer is plentiful. His list of teams are completely without rhyme or reason. Why isn't Philly on the list? (Other than the fact that if he gives up a home run he might get hit with a battery).

He allegedly only wants to pitch in the NL, fine I guess. But would you rather saddle yourself with a 100 year curse with the Cubs? I'm just baffled by this. I'm not saying Milwaukee necessarily can or will try to deal for him and/or pay him, but I think it would be a good move. Here is my offer: Prince, Weeks and Hall for Peavy. That should get it done I would think. We get rid of Prince (who we don't want to afford) and two cancers in Weeks/Hall. To conclude, Jake Peavy is a fuckhole.

Predictions: Iowa 21, UW 20; Indy 34, GB 31; bullets in my brain 3.

Wow

NFL Picks

Last Week: 5-9
Overall: 39-47-2

Ten (-9), SD (+1), Pit (-9.5), Bal (+3), Chi (-3), NO (+3), SF (+10.5), Hou (-9.5), NYJ (-3), Was (-7.5), Ind (-1.5), TB (-10.5), Den (+3)

Last night's game was insane. It was like the Rays all went and got drunk between the 6th and 7th innings. How else do you explain the random shift in momentum? I don't like the Red Sox at all, but what if they come back AGAIN? At least there is something besides college football to watch on Saturday night now.

Upon Further Review, He is a Douche

Word on the streets is Tony Romo wants to, and is thinking about playing this week. If he does play, that is potentially good for my fantasy team "The White Broncos", however, in the long run, it probably isn't a good thing for the Green Bay Packers.

I point this out because I'm pretty sure He Who Shall Not Be Named fucking called Romo earlier this week to call him a pussy and tell him he should play. Normally, you could point at this as a sign of respect, as a veteran and future hall of famer giving advice to his young, talented quarterback peer. However, word from Green Bay is that dickhead never called Aaron Rodgers to give him encouragement for his shoulder injury.

I just want to point out that I highly doubt He had the White Broncos in mind when he called Romo. It is equally clear that He holds ill will towards the Packer organization. And that he can blow me.

Trade Deadline Update

Ok I just read another story that made it sound more like the Chiefs wanted a 3rd round pick, we offered one and then they changed their demand to a second round pick. In that case I wouldn't have done the trade simply out of principle, however I still wouldn't have minded a 2nd round pick for gonzalez.

I Might Watch the NBA This Year

I am resolving to watch and/or follow the NBA and the Milwaukee Bucks this year.  Each year I feel guilty that I fell out of love with the NBA sometime around 2001 (when the Bucks got completely hosed by the referees in the Eastern Conference finals against Philly).  Truthfully, the NBA hasn't deserved my attention in years.  They got lazy, they clutched, they grabbed, they forgot how to shoot, they scored in the 70's despite not really playing defense, the players made too much money, the players got locked out, referees were gambling, players were showing up high and didn't start to care until the playoffs.  Well last year was eye opening for me.  The game got exciting again.  Chris Paul, LeBron, Kobe, Dwayne Wade, Derron Williams, and others, have quickened the game.  The skills that these professionals always had is now starting to show up in random games in November.  They play defense, but not the kind where you tackle someone into the front row every time he gets near the rim. 

 

I need to step up and be a fan of the Milwaukee Bucks again, even though they will probably go 25-57 and lose interest in December.  They are my home team, and as a sports fan, I am obliged to support them.  They have a few attributes that could be interesting.  Andrew BoGOT plays pretty hard, and has a funny accent.  Michael Redd can shoot.  Joe Alexander is white and can speak Mandarian.  Scott Skiles might punch Dan Gadzuric in the face for being ugly, sucking and making way too much money.  Luke Ridinour can't guard a chair.  Mo Williams and Yi are gone.  Herb Kohl is the basketball equivalent of Dan Snyder, except without money or the friendship of Tom Cruise. 

 

Will they take my attention away from college basketball?  No.  But if there is nothing else on, I am going to make an effort, and if there is something else on, I will at least check the boxscore and/or read stories about them, which is more than I've done in the last 7 years.  So like George Constanza said, "I'm back baby!"

 

OTHER STUFF:

 

Anyone who blames Ted Thompson for not giving up a second round pick for Tony Gonzalez is a fucking moron.  As good as he is, and as much of an upgrade he would be at TE, and as much as we can afford him, and as great of a guy he is, a 2nd round pick is CRAZY.  We don't know all the facts of the negotiation, but we reportedly offered a 3rd.  Gonzalez himself thought that was a fair price and is pissed at the Chiefs.  Regardless, Gonzalez is clearly declining, and a 2nd round pick should be a starter in the league.  Also, how much impact would a TE have?  As irrelevant as our TE's have been this year, I'm not sure that TG would make that much of a difference overall.  When the line blocks at all, A Rodg has no problem finding Greg Jennings streaking down the middle of the field.  But when they don't block, it doesn't matter who is running patterns, because they aren't getting the ball anyway.  Plus, didn't we just give Donald Lee a huge ass contract to catch with his face?

 

Tampa Bay is REALLY good at baseball.  I have a man crush on Evan Longoria that is in danger of surpassing Ryan Bruan.

 

The dude trying to make money with a website dedicated to firing Brett Beilema prolly needs to relax a little bit.  By no means are the Badgers in good shape right now.  They are a disappointment.  But look at who we lost to: Penn St., Michigan and Ohio St.  Granted, we are talented enough to play with them, but if those losses are spread out and not consecutive, my guess is that nobody is looking to fire a 9-3 coach.  Now we just have to win 6 straight.  Which won't happen.  I'm just saying that Alvarez didn't go to the Rose Bowl every year either.  I seem to remember alot of Copper Bowl appearances mixed in with the Roses.

Trade Deadline

So it was brought to the attention of the JSOnline readers that earlier this week TT decided to offer a 3rd round draft choice for Tony Gonzalez while the Chiefs wanted a 2nd round choice. In the past TT has been unwilling to trade for two current studs in Michael Turner and Randy Moss, now granted we have a great wide receiving corps and we probably didn't NEED Randy Moss, but we definitely could have used Turner, we'd be paying him about the same as we are paying Grant right now, especially if Grant hits his incentives(not looking that way right now). Randy Moss would have been great, but we probably would have over-payed for a very good wide receiver who would bail out on us near the end of his contract if he felt like his situation wasn't ideal, so I'm not all that upset about missing the boat on him.

Back to Gonzalez, he is probably in the top 3 or 4 for receiving tight ends in the league, depending on if you count Kellen Winslows's 3 seasons of motorcycle accidents and syphilis as dependable enough to rank him higher than Tony. Not only that he's a complete tight end, he can block as well, now he may not be the best blocking tight end, but as I've already mentioned, great receiver AND he can block, so that's just a nice bonus. Donald Lee isn't a bad tight end, in fact I think he's good enough that once him and Rodgers develop a real rapport he'll start seeing a lot of balls thrown his way, and not swollen Kellen Winslow balls either, actual footballs.

The fact that we could have gotten T-Gon for a 2nd round pick, which has been a crapshoot thus far for TT, makes me wonder. We got Nick Collins and Greg Jennings, but we also drafted Terrence Murphy, Daryn Colledge(who will probably be let loose after his rookie contract), Brandon Jackson(verdict is still out on him, but I think he's terrible), and now this year, Nelson, Brohm and Patrick Lee the corner. Go through that list, tell me who you'd rather have than Tony Gonzalez. Greg Jennings, maybe Nick Collins? We'd also have just as good of a chance that TT would trade down that pick and turn it into 17 6th round picks(that's an exaggeration). Gonzalez also just said he was only going to play for another 3 years, which doesn't screw up our long term goals to keep our salary cap under control while we sign some of our younger studs we have on the team right now to long term deals.

I guess in the end I'm at least happy that we made an offer instead of just sitting on our hands, and hopefully Donald Lee starts getting more looks, but man I really think it would have helped our offense to have a safety valve like Gonzalez running around the field...

Worthless, Uninformed Top 25

Texas shouldn't be number one (YET). Wins this season before Oklahoma: Florida Atlantic, UTEP, Rice, Arkansas, Colorado. Only UTEP on "the road". The Longhorns still haven't left the state of Texas. So putting them at number one is a complete overreaction. My #1 has wins at Clemson (then ranked #9), at Arkansas and at Georgia (then ranked #3). All impressive wins. I'm just sayin'.


1) Alabama 6-0 (Last Week: 1)
2) Penn St. 7-0 (2)
3) Utah 7-0 (3)
4) Ball St. 7-0 (4)
5) Texas 6-0 (8)
6) Oklahoma St. 6-0 (16)
7) Tulsa 6-0 (11)
8) TCU 6-1 (14)
9) BYU 6-0 (9)
10)Ohio St. 6-1 (12)
11)Michigan St. 6-1 (19)
12)Vanderbilt 5-1 (5)
13)Texas Tech 6-0 (15)
14)Boise St. 5-0 (22)
15)Oklahoma 5-1 (6)
16)Florida 5-1 (NR)
17)Minnesota 6-1 (NR)
18)Georgia 5-1 (23)
19)Missouri 5-1 (7)
20)South Florida 5-1 (13)
21)Cincinatti 5-1 (24)
22)Kansas 5-1 (NR)
23)Virginia Tech 5-1 (18)
24)North Carolina 5-1 (NR)
25)Northwestern 5-1 (10)

Dropped Out: UConn (20), LSU (17), Pitt (21), Auburn (25)

Karma is a Filthy Whore

Romo breaks finger finger-banging Jessica Simpson. Out for a month. Romo is on the aforementioned 6-0 fantasy team. Good thing I stole Phil Rivers from Twinkie as part of the McNabb trade. Until Week 9 when Rivers has a bye and I have to go with Chad Pennington.

Chris Rose and J.C. Pearson are not good announcers

Nice win for the Packers yesterday.  I don't know if I'm more surprised at how truly terrible the Seattle Seahawks are, or that the defense was actually able to stop them.  The bad news is that next week, Charile Frye ain't walking through that door, and Manning just torched a very good Baltimore defense.  I'm a tad frightened.  On the offensive side, A Rodg was A Rodg, Ryan Grant continues to dominate defenses at a 2 yd/carry clip, Greg Jennings continues to randomly get wide open deep.  It really is too bad we can't run the ball, because Indy's big weakness is stopping the run.

 

Chris Rose and J.C. Pearson really shouldn't be announcing NFL games.  They were not good at all.  I felt like at any moment John Sally was going to come in and say something witty.  Or there was going to be an impromptu Hooter girl bikini contest or something in the booth.  The Glove Gary Payton made an in-booth appearance, which is usually a bad idea to begin with, and J.C. decided he was going to trash talk Gary about how he could kick his ass in one-on-one.  What the fuck man?  He was posting him up in the fucking booth!  Then he tells Payton that Pearson would do better against Gary in basketball than Payton would do against him in football.  What the fuck are you talking about?!?!?!?  Meanwhile, there is a football game being played.  And for the record, Gary Payton would beat the shit out of J.C. Pearson in basketball.

 

Later, out of nowhere, He Who Shall Not Be Named was mentioned and Rose talked about "what a great game he had today".  Really Chris?  Because I'm pretty sure he threw for 189 yds, 1 TD, 2 INTs and lost a fumble, against a horrible defense.  I'm really sick of this meaningless comparison with A Rodg.  But He didn't have a "great game", so stop pretending like he did just so you can compare the two QBs.

 

I had an outside shot at the all-time single game scoring record in the OJSFA had the Cowboys-Cardinals game gone longer into OT, and it had ended with Romo throwing a TD.  As it was, I ended up with 189 and FUCKING CRUSHED the ghost of Loaf Cobra by almost 100 points.  I am now 6-0, and now that I'm talking shit, will surely be 6-8 in 8 weeks.

 

That was a soul crushing defeat that the Bears took yesterday.  For the record, I loved it.

Web Seminar Extravaganza!

I am in the midst of a webcast seminar right now.  And it pretty much sucks.  I've been exchanging emails with Twinkie for the last half an hour as we sit our respective offices 500 miles apart, not working.  I just thought that might be relevant. 

 

Why don't I start with picks.  And add that it is a good fucking thing I don't have any money to gamble with, and that even if I did, it isn't legal.  Because I'm not very good at this.  I would also add however, that gambling on sports is probably a better use of your money than putting it in the stock market, or trusting some cocksucker investment banker with it.

 

Last Week: 6-7-1

Overall: 34-38-2

 

Ind (-4), Min (-13) (God Detroit is awful), NO (-7.5), NYJ (-6), Chi (-2.5), Car (+1.5), Was (-13), Hou (-3), Den (-3.5), Phi (-4.5), Sea (+2), Dal (-5), SD (-5.5), NYG (-8)

 

There is some GREAT sports on this weekend.  Unfortunately, Saturday I am going to be politely getting fucked up beyond belief while standing up in my sister in-law's wedding, and not watching the ridiculous games that are on.  Texas-Oklahoma, LSU-Florida, UW-Penn St., and also Texas Tech hanging 70 on Nebraska (taste the tears!) make this weekend the first weekend of college football that has more than one game that I would be truly excited about laying on the couch with my hands in my pants watching.  Add to that the baseball playoffs, and it creates the thought in my mind that I wish I wasn't so fucking poor/cheap and could afford a phone with Internet access that would allow me to keep track of everything.  Penn St. 34, UW 13.

 

On Sunday, I am going to be top 10 hungover while I watch my B-Team (5-0) battle the ghost of Loaf Cobra's team (3-2) in OJSFA action.  If I can win this week missing Boldin, Lynch, Holmes, Miller and Tennesee's D, I might not ever lose. 

 

I will also be watching the Packers lose to Seattle on Sunday, while trying not to vomit.  I realize Seattle isn't very good.  At the same time, our offensive and defensive lines are non-existent.  We don't tackle or block.  If you've got Julius Jones in fantasy, it would be a good week to play him, because he will get at least 100 yards.  Meanwhile, we can't run the ball, and A Rodg gets about .3 seconds to throw, before two defenders are molesting him.  Sea 23, GB 17.

 

I've got nothing to add other than to query:  Why do Philly fans boo Manny so lustily?  Did he harm them in some way?  Are Red Sox and Phils fans the same person?

Gene Wojciechowski is a Thief

Well, at least we have one random person who reads our humble blog.  I'm still waiting for the shout out Gene.

Champagne? Really?

I know I'm a day or two late on this, but there was no sports on (other than preseason NBA, and some random college football game) so I didn't have much else to talk about, and this irked me a little.  The Boston Red Sox have won approximately 10,000 postseason games in the last 5 years or so.  They have also won 2 World Series.  So I found the fact that they celebrated a ALDS victory with a crazy champagne shower to be ridiculous.  You don't see this in any sport besides baseball, I suppose because you can play baseball with a crazy hangover and still be effective (see David Wells perfect game).  You don't see an NFL team do this after a Wild Card victory.  You don't see an NBA team do this with a first round victory.  You don't see Tiger Woods do this after leading the Master's after one round.  So why the fuck would Boston celebrate winning absolutely nothing?  To an extent, I can understand Tampa because it is their first ever playoff series win.  But Boston?  Why stop there?  Why not just have a permanent tarp in the locker room for champagne?  Why not celebrate beating the Royals 12-3 on June 2nd?  The win means just as much.

 

WARNING!  POLITICAL ASIDE.  This in no way reflects the opinions of Archie Manning's Bastards as a whole (especially Bear who is a member of the National Socialist Party), and is only the writers' opinion (which on the issue of politics is even more useless, uninformed and biased as his opinion on sports).

 

So to fill the void last night, I watched about 10 minutes of the presidential debate.  I just have to say that after McCain referring to Obama as "that one", I am greatly looking forward to the next debate.  I think it is on 10/16, which means we are only 8 days away from one or more of the following scenarios happening: 1) McCain calling Obama "boy"; 2) McCain dropping an N-bomb; 3) McCain falling asleep while answering a question; 4) McCain falling and breaking a hip.  I'm moving to Canada if McCain wins.

Worthless, Uninformed Top 25

To review: This poll is based upon on-field performance. Specifically, who you beat and where, who you lost to and where. Talent and point spread are taken into consideration only to break ties. This is as of today, and not necessarily who I think should or will win the National title at the end. However, I find this to be far more accurate than the actual BCS. PS. I don't have an affinity for Mormons (although I claim Utah isn't a mormon school), they just happen to play alot of tough games, and alot of road games, and win them.

1) Alabama 6-0 (Last Week: 1)
2) Penn St. 6-0 (4)
3) Utah 6-0 (3)
4) Ball St. 6-0 (6)
5) Vanderbilt 5-0 (8)
6) Oklahoma 5-0 (10)
7) Missouri 5-0 (11)
8) Texas 5-0 (12)
9) BYU 5-0 (19)
10)Northwestern 5-0 (7)
11)Tulsa 5-0 (13)
12)Ohio St. 5-1 (NR)
13)South Florida 5-1 (2)
14)TCU 5-1 (17)
15)Texas Tech 5-0 (NR)
16)Oklahoma St. 5-0 (20)
17)LSU 4-0 (9)
18)Virginia Tech 5-1 (23)
19)Michigan St. 5-1 (24)
20)Uconn 5-1 (5)
21)Pitt 4-1 (NR)
22)Boise St. 4-0 (NR)
23)Georgia 4-1 (14)
24)Cincinatti 4-1 (NR)
25) Auburn 4-2 (15)

Dropped Out: Maryland (16), Fresno St. (18), Kentucky (21), Oregon (22), East Carolina (25)

Brewers Are People Too

So I got an excellent email today at work, with various pictures of the Brewers celebrating last Sunday night (after they clinched, not after their assholes clenched). I don't know where they originated, and I don't care. It's pretty much the coolest thing that as ever happened to me.

Robin Yount uses the force to destroy your camera.

Bill Hall works on his future profession.

Ryan Braun and his hat tell this nice young lady what she is going to be getting for Christmas (which is in about an hour). One of them will get laid tonight. Also, is he drinking a fucking Cosmo or is it a "light" Cranberry Vodka? I choose to believe the latter.

I bet that isn't a Diet Coke.

Seriously, what is it with the hats? Hardy could probably wear a dead fetus on his head and get laid in Wisconsin.

CC dances the robot.

Dale Sveum shows off his Sunday best. This convinces me more than ever that he can't be the manager. 1) You are wearing tight blue jeans. 2) You are wearing a trucker hat.

The Playoff Experience and Douchebags Who "Tailgate" to Get It

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I couldn't have said it any better...

Even though we are on the verge of getting swept out of the first play off series we've been in for over the last 26 years, CC can still give me a spot of brightness in my day, even if it was unintended humor. If the guy doesn't pitch for us ever again, I give him my kudos for doing everything in his power just to get us to this point, here's hoping to him getting a shot at redemption come Game 5!

I GOT MY DUCATS!

This afternoon, while "at work". I was able to head over to StubHub and snap up some tickets for Game 3 for a reasonable price. Ticket prices have fallen more than $100/piece since Monday, probably because they fucking suck right now. Judging by the numbers on the ticket, I would guess these tickets are somewhere around the Marquette Interchange, but who gives a shit. I'm going to the first home playoff game in 26 years. There is even a legitimate chance that I could be playing right field (but only because I hired someone to kill Corey Hart). My brother and I are making the pilgrimage (after he goes to the second, gayer cousin, of the first weekend of Oktoberfest, tonight, which by the way, means we will get there in the 7th inning). Fuckin' A.

Picks n' Stuff

Last week: 9-7

Overall: 30-32-1

 

NYG (-7), Was (+6), SD (-6.5), KC (+9.5), Bal (-3), Ind (-3), Chi (-3.5), GB (NL), Den (-3), Cin (+17), Buf (Ev), NE (-3), Jax (-4), NO (-3)

 

It was bound to happen at some point that CC's arm would fall off.  It sucks that it happened in the playoffs.  The only real bright spot has been the bullpen.  Of course, that means Bush will pitch well tomorrow, and the bully will get rocked.  Corey Hart makes me miss Gabe Gross and Kevin Mench.  Is Dante Bichette available to play right?  The real difference between Philly and Milwaukee was in the 1st and 2nd last night.  Brewers load the bases with one out, and Hart comes up, when Myers had just walked two straight guys on like 9 pitches, and he swings at the first pitch and slowly rolls it to the mound for an easy double play.  Philly comes up in the second in the same situation, works the count, and destroys a grand slam.  Game. Over.  The only silver lining here (besides the one I'm writing about next) is that I may get to watch the Packer game in peace on Sunday if there is no Brewer game.

 

Can I say again how sweet Cubs fans tears taste?  I personally like to dribble some in my coffee and dip a cruller in it.  I mean they got their fucking asses kicked, twice, at home!  Oh it is beautiful.  If this happened to the Yankees (and it has), I would have no doubt they would win the next three and win the series.  But its the Cubs, so they will probably win both games in LA and come home and lose in terrific fashion.  A girl can hope.

 

Two big football games in the state this weekend.  I know, on paper the Packer game looks gay, but its a Packer game and they are all big so shut the fuck up.  Burner Turner will run for somewhere around 2 bills on our "defense".  If Matty Flynn starts, my prediction is 13-10 Falcons.  If Rodgers starts, I'm going 21-13 Pack.

 

Bucky hosts THE Ohio State University Saturday night, in a game that would have been alot bigger had they not pissed one down their legs (and mine) at Michigan.  UW often beats OSU in Madison when they aren't very good.  I think UW is at least above average.  I say 24-23 UW.  But I'm on crack so don't listen to me.

 

I just happened to see that the #2 (South Florida) team in my poll lost at home last night, and the #3 (Utah) team barely won. Huh.

At Least the Cubs Lost

That sound you heard last night was either Ryan Dempster's fastball landing in the stands, or about a million fuckheads jumping off the Cubs bandwagon.  Either way, it was a beautiful sound.  My life would suck really, really bad if I couldn't find away to turn my pain into joy at the pain of others.  And the Cubs got "blowed" out last night too.  At least the Brewers had a chance if Corey Hart wasn't high on cocaine or in middle school, or whatever causes an "All-Star" to not be able to connect with a 93mph fastball right down the middle (Not that I can comment much on the game because I am relying solely on the highlights (see earlier post)).  So maybe this will be just like every other playoffs have been for the last 25 years, where I root against teams.  I STILL think the Brewers have a shot with CC on the mound (twice if they can get it to five), and with Weeks and Hall sitting safely at the bottom of whatever body of water is nearby Philly.

 

OTHER STUFF:

 

A-Rodg Quote of the Day: "Listen, I want to play every game," Rodgers said. "I don't need that, like, 'Oh, you've got to play because Brett (Favre) played 250 in a row.' I don't need that. I have pride in myself. I've played with some serious injuries before, so that's personal pride. I don't need any extra fuel to play."

 

Also: You media fucks, and people wearing #4 jerseys can suck my fucking dick.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

That was the sound I heard as I ripped the face off the last Dish Network employee I could find. After all of my fucking covert ops today. I come home to find out that my DVR randomly, for the first time ever, just stopped recording early. Was it tired? I don't fucking know. But I also don't know what happened after the 5th fucking inning, BECAUSE IT WASN'T ON MY FUCKING DVR!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! MOTHERFUCKING PEICE OF SHIT!!!!! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I'm glad I didn't see, THE FIRST FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING PLAYOFF FUCKING GAME IN FUCKING 26 FUCKING YEARS! FUUUUUUUCCKKKKKK! I feel no better at all. I'm going to cry.

Jack Bauer Has Got Nothing On Me

At 14:00 hours today, I am "going dark" Jack Bauer style.  If you've never seen "24" Jack says he's going to "go dark" and then he cuts off all communication with the outside world, so he can do some crazy ass shit like climb inside of an elephant's asshole to retrieve a nuclear war head, while the elephant is being shot with grenade launchers, and is being raped by a Chinese militant.

 

But I am not retrieving any warheads from pachyderms.  No, I am going dark to avoid all possibility that I will know what the score of Game 1 is tonight.  I have to fucking work until probably about 5 (which is about the time the game will be over).  I'm forced to DVR a goddamn live, playoff, sporting event so I can watch it without knowing the outcome.  This means no: Internet (which may be a problem because of a light workload today), cell phone, TV, radio between 2 and 6, and then nothing but my DVR until 8 or 9.  People shouldn't have to live like this.  I have to give instruction to everyone at the office that I will flip out and kill them if they tell me anything about the game before I leave, and fuck them for scheduling my only appointments today after 2.

 

OTHER STUFF:

Seriously, Al Davis is fucking mental.  I just had to throw that out there.  Whatever problems may exist in GB, it is nothing compared to what is going on the Oak-town.

 

Family Guy was spectacular, cryptic quotes that I found funny, but you had to see it to get it:

 

"Boom goes the dynamite."-- Cleveland;

 

""What are you supposed to be, a Freddie Kruger victim or something?"  "No, I am a victim of the liberal agenda.  Do you know that the Democratic party aborts thousands of babies a year?  In fact, they even put babies back in, just so they can abort them." "Nice meeting you.""-- Brian and some crazy bitch (Sarah Palin?) at a costume party