A Message From the Commissioner

Can you smell it bitches? Can you smell it? We are a mere one day away from the pseudo-official start to fantasy football season!!!! The keeper portion of the 3rd annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association draft is set to begin tomorrow with the defending champions out of St. Paul, MN by way of Gilmanton, WI by way of the Water's Edge Bar being forced to select up to three players from his exceedingly subpar team. This is also the beginning of the end for the two expansion teams to our little league, as they see the "top 24" players come off the board before they are given an opportunity to fuck their teams up. Just out of curiosity, the list below shows the first 24 players selected last year (in no particular order, and not necessarily all keepers:

P. Manning
M. Jones-Drew
R. Bush
S. Alexander
D. Brees
L. Johnson
T. Brady
C. Palmer
W.McGahee
T. Holt
L. Maroney
J. Addai
R. Brown
F. Gore
S. Jackson
M. Harrison
C. Johnson
W. Parker
T. Henry
T. Owens
R. Johnson
S. Smith
B. Westbrook
LDT

You will notice a number of them could be called "terrible to average at best" and arguably in hindsight (I like that game!!) weren't worthy of being in the top 24. At least according to me, so I can't wait to hear a certain member of this blog bitch when I name some of his players. MJD, Bush, Alexander, Granmama, Palmer, McGahee, Maroney, Brown, Gore, Jackson, Harrison, Fast Willie, Henry, R. Johnson, Steve Smith. That makes FIFTEEN out of the 24 that if we all had the hindsight of how they would perform, would not have been picked that early. At the time, they were all pretty sure things, but due to injuries or death (Shaun Alexander) we might have wanted the pick back. I should also point out that even with last year, many of those picks should be upgraded to good because of the "keeper" status of our league. The MVP (Brady) and LVP (Harrison) both game in the top 24, and the Super Bowl MVP (McNabb) did not. I guess what I'm trying to say is the draft is an inexact science, and the fun starts tomorrow with the world's only 45 day long fantasy draft.

Updates and analysis will be frequent and scathing as I, the one man commissioner, supreme ruler, executioner and masturbater, flex my love muscle upon the rest of the league.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go organize my action figure collection and get ready for my D&D game tonight.

Peace.

Bucks trade

Ok, I'll bite...

Juice takes issue with the Bucks trade for Richard Jefferson. He says we traded a top 10 pick and Bobby Simmons for another jump shooter. Hmmmm, well let's do the math bud. Yi Jianlian, a power forward, 6-11, young, not a terrible defender, decent rebounder. First of all, if this sounds familiar that's ok, we already have the same exact player, except its the hairless version, Chuck Villenueva. Second of all, he's thin, plays away from the basket, maybe not "that" young.

Now even if those concerns could be over looked for his potential to develop, he still has one giant, glaring, solar flare of an issue. His commitment to the Chinese national team. One thing is a certain, he will always be playing summer ball for that team and judging from how tired he was at the end of his rookie season, his stamina will always be a concern. Can we really justify getting that excited over a "Top 10" pick that can't really average more than 20-25 minutes a game because you are trying to milk him for a whole season?

Bobby Simmons was a throw away to match salaries and I'm glad he's gone. Richard Jefferson on the other hand is not "just another jump shooter". The guy plays D. He was probably the best defender on the Nets squad, routinely drawing the toughest assignments. Granted that's not saying much, but the Bucks were probably worse than every other team in the league as far as defense is concerned. He can drive and slash, the man has moves to the basket, don't just assume that because he can shoot he can't get to the hole. He averaged 22 ppg last year with decent boards and assists to go along with that. I think it's a huge upgrade and if we end up moving Redd or Williams for a real PG we could actually have a decent team. Not good of course, but probably around .500, which in the East is like a 4 seed...

Woodworking 101 and yard games

I spent the majority of last weeks evening hours constructing a set "bean bag" or "cornhole" game boards. My sweat and labor will result in many a great nights drinking and playing yard games. Bean bags might single handedly be the best yard drinking game, even though I do enjoy a good game of bocce ball too. Bocce requires walking around the entire yard and throwing heavier objects. Bean bags only requires you to move several feet and to throw a light piece of fabric.

2 - the number of text messages/voicemails sent to DJ during the Brewers-Twins series.

1 - the number of text messages/voicemails that were incoherent

14- the number of beers consumed between 7 p.m. and 12 a.m. on Saturday

0 - the number of beers I wished I had consumed when I got up at 6:00 a.m. on Sunday to go fishing

3 - the number of hits allowed by Cy Young candidate Kevin Slowey.

and lastly...

2 out of 3 bitches.

Rubber Match Bitches

Fuck, I feel like I've been gone for a month. Alot to catch up on.

-Vacation was pretty successful. It is one giant tourist trap though. The prices of everything in Door County are jacked up about 20%. But it was relaxing, good weather, nice scenery, good food, etc. FIB count ended up at 13. If you hear about a few washing up on the shore of Green Bay with a Benz hood ornament up their asses, you know who to call.

-NBA Draft: I didn't hate the Joe Alexander pick, the Bucks can always use another white guy. Not your average white guy in that he seems to have some quicks. Although it seemed a bit like he didn't start playing until March. I had really never heard his name until the tournament. Whatever. LOVED what the T-Wolves did by trading for the even bigger/slower K-Love. He is going to move in with Kevin McHale and they are going to make tall/slow/white children together. (Twisting knife). However, I absolutely HATED what the Bucks did after the draft. They traded Bobby Simmons and Yi for Richard Jefferson. Look, Bobby Simmons sucks dick, and basically his contract was a throw in here. But the Bucks gave up on a top 10 pick after one year, and on the millions they stood to gain from China. Jefferson is a pretty good player, but not someone that jumps out as being great. And he's another jumpshooter going to a team full of jumpshooters. I just don't like the deal at all. Maybe Yi sucks and it will work out, I'm not an NBA expert. In fact, I don't even really like the NBA, so I don't know why I'm even stressing about it.

-Border War III. It is awkward going on vacation during this series. I didn't really have cell service, and I shut my phone off more than normal. Both days I had multiple text messages and voice mails both nights so far. I did manage to watch most of the first game (fucking Mota) and the beginning and end last night (have you heard of Parra now fuckface?). Sheets will win today.

-I got official word today that I have four tickets to the November 30th Green Bay Packer v. Carolina Panther game via the lottery. Let the games begin to see who earns the right to come with me and the wife.

Another unoriginal post - Border war III

GET DOWN!!!

This weekend brings another exciting edition of Twins-Brewers, taking place at the giant garbage pit in downtown Minneapolis (aka The Metrodome). Here are my predictions:


Game 1: McClung v. Blackburn - This one has the makings of a 13-12 type of score to it. Twins win in the 9th when Carlos Gomez steals home.



Game 2: Parra v. Hernandez - Hernandez will have another one of those outstanding 15 hit, 1 run outings. I have never heard of Parra, but I'm impressed he is 7-2? Is he one of those guys who started out in the bullpen and picked up a couple of lucky wins in relief so Yost just says "Screw it, let's move him into the rotation." Twins win 6-3.



Game 3: Mr. soon to be coveted free agent v. Slowey (who?). This has the feel to one of those games where the Twins have recently crawled back into first place and you start to feel confident, only to see them get absolutely dominated and realize "there is no way in hell we are making the playoffs, and if we do, we will get dominated with pitchers like Kevin Slowey." Brewers win

7-0 including twoPrince Fielder homes (one inside the park homer when Gomez slides and allows a fly ball past him.)



P.S. I predict Juice takes at least 8 strokes on the 69 yard par 3 and says "fuck" at least 5 times.



P.P.S. O.J. Simpson was in fucking Fargo, ND of all places. And yes, people are here are soaking that shit up because they are crazy for something interesting to happen (that does NOT include me).



http://www.in-forum.com/News/articles/206218

I Give Up

The Timberwolves have wronged me. This time, I think it's for the last time. Does St. Louis have a team because I would like to cheer for them now.

P.S. Expect a more detailed post to follow, once I pull myself together. I don't really like the NBA that much, but I feel like crying.

R.I.P. George Carlin

A few days late. Enjoy anyway. Really, really fucking funny guy.

Nuggets RE: Wisconsin Sports

-LOVE hearing this shit. UW in the Rose Bowl? Abso-fuckinglutely

-FUCK. Say goodbye to the best Brewer pitcher in 20 years?

Let the Weekend Begin!

The wife and I are taking a long weekend and heading off to Door County for the weekend. Never really been there other than for work a couple of times. Not really sure what I'm going to do with myself for four days. For some reason one of my bosses gave me a GPS to use, so I am going to hope to avoid driving into Lake Michigan while staring at it. So far the agenda looks something like this:

1)Golf at Peninsula State Park: Home of the 69 yard par three that is on a fucking cliff overlooking the Bay.

2)Get drunk on a winery tour.

3)Look at some lighthouses.

4)Kill myself 8 or 9 FIBs

See you sorry fuckers next week.

Complaining About a Fake Team

I had a ridiculous thing happen to me in fantasy baseball last night that I think warrants wasting space on the Internet, to match the waste I caused in my brother's brain as I bitched about when it happened last night.



It seems that the Seattle Mariners played the New York Mets in an interleague game last night. Normally, I could give a fuck less. Also typically, I don't even check to see what individual players do for me in fantasy baseball because they play about 400 games and the stats are added up every day for a week. Also there are a shitload of players on the team. I just usually change my lineup semi-daily, and look at the overall score. I'll give a "huh" when they show a score on SportsCenter and I see that Jacoby Ellsbury went 4-5, 2 2B, 3 SB or some shit. ANYWAYS (sorry, Chuck), like I said, the Mets played the Mariners last night, and I had that shitty situation where I had two starting pitchers matching up. King Felix Hernandez was going against Johan Santana. So apparently, King Felix comes up to bat in the 2nd with the bases loaded against Johan. King Felix was 1-8 with 6K's in his career, and Johan is quite possibly a hall of fame pitcher. Naturally, King Felix hits a fucking granny, which by the way was the first one by an AL pitcher in 37 fucking years. Normally, a fantasy player on my team hitting a granny is super-fantastic. However, hitting stats for pitchers don't count (which I suppose makes sense because the average pitcher hits like .175, and would change the relative values of AL pitchers). But it counts against your pitcher when he fucks up. SO, I got doubly fucked because my granny didn't count for me, but it did count against me.

End of Rant

Fallen off the wagon

Well, after someone started bitching I figured I better make my lame first appearance. Next time I will try not to let those medical procedures interfere with my blog posting in the future.

There is another exciting set of of co-ed softball games occuring in Detroit Lakes tonight. I will try to improve on my .910 average without looking like the you-tube clip. Tonight will also mark the first time I will be able to drink beer socially since all of my organs decided to randomly explode on me in May 2006. In fact, I was able to drink about 20 Michelob Golden Lights over the weekend. Having a gall stone removed is a beautiful thing. And yes, I am only 27 years old, not 55.

In case you haven't noticed, the Twins are back on the good side of .500 and in hot pursuit of the pale hosers. Nothing like a series against the Brewers to get your record turned around and start a winning streak. With that being said, Peavy will probably pitch a one-hitter against them tonight, giving up only a Carlos Gomez bunt-single.

LaPorta update

Well it appears one of the reasons why he may have played first on Thursday is because he crashed into the wall Wednesday night and I guess his back was pretty sore the next day. We can't tell anything else from that though because he's been away since Friday to be with his dying grandfather. He's not supposed to return until Tuesday. Hopefully he'll still be in at first, bwa hahahahah.

Just Another Weekend

-Spent last night accidentally getting super hammered at two of my wife's family weddings. In the first five minutes I was at the big one, I saw no fewer than 20 people that I hadn't seen since high school graduation, which would make about 20 that I never particularly cared to see either. I did run into one friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in a few years, so that was alright I guess. Typical hometown wedding, with the same people you would see in the local tavern on any night of the week. The hoochies and the fucktards chasing them. Always makes me feel good that my life is normal in comparison. The night ended with a $30 cab ride which is fucking fascist.

-Stroked a 55 in my second golf round of the year. I am not a particularly good golfer.

-Prince Fielder can hit a ball really, really far.

Mystery Blogger

If you look to the lower left, you will notice that a fourth blogger has been listed for a little over a week now. You will also notice that he has not posted anything since begging to be added. I cannot verify his whereabouts, or his sexual preference. I just know that he is wasting precious space to the left.

J-Taylor

Sounds like he is an even bigger douche than I thought.

One Bastard's Illegitimate Thoughts

- Big rumor this week in GB is the Pack trying to trade for Jason Taylor. I would be surprised to see Thompson give up any kind of draft pick in a trade. He hoards draft picks like they are the only known cure for zombie bites, and he knows something that I don't. That being said, when you have the opportunity to add someone of his caliber (even though he is on the downside of his career), and it is going to improve your team right now, then you probably need to do it. I would consider even a second round pick. This is totally a move one makes in Madden, when you have a guy that starts, and his backup that are ranked like 84 each(KGB or Jenkins), but you can add a guy in free agency that is ranked 90, you do it whether you really need to or not because it makes your whole team better. In this case, I would make goddamn fucking sure he played at least two years though. Maybe a new contract with a really low base salary, but a huge roster bonus next year?

- Neddy very nearly fucked that one up. I can't really argue with removing Bush. And probably nearly everything else he did. But why put a sub par pitcher in after a sub par guy fucked up right before? Either way, Torres arm better be as rubber as everyone says, cuz Yosty is going to be running him out there for 3 innings a game pretty soon because he is trying desperately to keep his job. 39-33 is not too fucking bad really. I just don't like Yost.

-What was the Blue Jays outfielder doing on that fake in the park homer by Prince?

-I would probably let Russell the Muscle watch when I jerk off Ryan Braun. He is that good right now. Wait, was that gay?

-I won $60 playing poker last night.

Last night's box score

Anyone find anything interesting about this box score from last night's Huntsville game? Mr LaPorta was playing first base! Hmmmm! I can't find any articles about this game or the reason as to why LaPorta played first, perhaps it was just a spell game for someone else. Either way, something to think about.

Almost blew one

The last 20 minutes of work have resulted in zero productivity for me. I can't believe the Brewers almost lost that one today, jesus. I also can't believe all the ass clowns on the JSOnline blogs bitching about OMG I can't believe they took out Dave Bush in the 9th. Um, because we were up 8-1? And we were throwing in a nobody named Dillard? That's a fairly standard move for a guy that has over 100 pitches thrown in a game and got roughed up a bit the inning before. Plus it's safe to say with Bush's track mark before this, the opportunity to have a game he's pitching busted wide open in just one inning is as good with him pitching or our shitty bullpen. Nevertheless, nicely done Torres, I think that crazy bastard has finally grown on me enough to trust him, of course when that usually happens our players have a tendency to implode

A-Rog Quote of the Day

"It's all good stuff. It's better than maybe a different story. It's all positive stuff, except for the wedding stuff. They're trying to kill my game in Green Bay, I think."

In response to the Green Bay media erroneously reporting that he got married over the weekend. Fucking love this guy.

Fielder's true intentions

It appears as though the reason why Fielder was being such a fat bitch about his contract this spring is because he's as fiscally responsible as his even fatter dad. Detroit news reports here that Prince owes the IRS over 400K in taxes from getting his signing bonus back in 2003.

It really makes you feel bad for athletes when you find out they are just like you and have their own financial hardships........ Did I mention Prince is really fat?

Packer Sighting

I saw Colin Cole walking his dog on a wooded trail. I clutched my wife as I saw this man. Can't blame me.

J-Walk

Javon Walker.


First off, I want to say I hope he goes on to live a long fulfilling life in general.

Second, this is reason number 412 why I'm glad the Pack traded him for 3 cents on the dollar.

Third, the following is not condoning whatever the guy or guys did to J-Walk. Whomever did this probably deserves to be in prison.

Fourth, it would serve him right if he was hurt so badly he never played again. People that make decisions like he allegedly made, should not be allowed to reap the benefits of ridiculous athletic ability, and insane combination of size and speed. He does not deserve the privileges that God (or whatever) has bestowed upon him, while John Doe busts his ass in the paper mill for $12 bucks an hour and his wife Mary Jane Rottencrotch cleans rooms at the Super 8 for $6 an hour. These people quite probably had to work twice as hard to be able to afford an extremely modest house in a lower middle class shithole of a neighborhood in Small Town, U.S.A. Meanwhile, J-Walk (who just a year ago had his friend's brains splattered all over his chest after a club incident) is out at not one but TWO different Vegas clubs, again, allegedly, spraying $1000 bottles of Dom P all over people. He did this even though this was the same activity that got his teammate shot right in front of him. Even though, Oakland for some reason gave him a huge contract in the offseason, despite the fact that he was given this contract even though he is coming off his second major knee injury. He did this in a town that he doesn't live in, on stage in front of a bunch of people, while wearing a $100,000 watch. And he did it two nights in a row.

Now, he has an injury that could very well keep him out of action. As this article also points out, this very same injury has ended another Oakland Raiders' career. But J-Walk doesn't care. He doesn't care how truly fortunate he is. He doesn't care how many other people are counting on him. All he cares about is flossin' and conning his next team into trusting him. Good riddance.

Mailbag Day!

Another mailbag from Hardicourt, another JSOnline article filled with short, snappy responses. Tom's mailbag was once again filled with anger and contempt to questions that were at least somewhat legitimate. To be honest, even if they weren't legitimate questions, why even bother putting them into the mailbag? This guy is such a dick that when someone puts in a question to his mailbag, he'll drop the whole fucking thing into his article just so he can respond with "No".

Stolen Literary Device

I am ganking the "running diary" used most often by Bill Simmons. I don't think he has a patent. Whatever.

Saturday

6:15 a.m.: Wake my ass up to cash in on the race I signed up to run.

7:40 a.m.: Arrive to the race to the throngs of people (15,000 plus).

8a.m.: Trip over about 4,000 of those people at the start as I start off way too fast. Most of those little fuckers were about 7 years old who would proceed to sprint past me and then come to a dead stop in front of me for the next hour.

9:08 a.m.: We finish. Sweat from front to back of my shirt.

9:45 a.m.: Begin cracking the whip on the wife to hurry up so I can go drink.

11:06 a.m.: Whomever had 11:06 a.m. in the "When would Juice would spill something on his new white Ryan Braun jersey" pool. Congrats.

11:45 a.m.: We leave for Milwaukee.

2:15 p.m.: Arrive in Milwaukee.

3:00 p.m.: Arrive at Miller Park. I miraculously get out of driving due to my buddy's girlfriend's dad and his 7 seat Lincoln Navigator that gets our group to the game. Kudos to that shit.

3:00 p.m. and 3 seconds: Crack the first Miller Lite.

4:30 p.m.: I have the best brat I've ever had in my life.

5:30 p.m.: A random fucking thunderstorm strikes 40,000 in the parking lot. Despite seeing the clouds loom for an hour, and watching the dome close, nobody budged until it was raining sideways. Even the Twins fans.

6:00 p.m.: Arrive in seat with a 7 dollar beer.

Around here is where it gets hazy. I know I had about 3 or 4 more large beers. I know I won one of those on a bet of the 5th inning score with some asshole Twins fan. Oh, and the split was about 50/50, which is not fun when your team loses.

ANYWAYS (another stolen literary device, thanks Chuck Klosterman), I semi-blacked out somewhere between the 8th and 12th innings. I was able to keep my motor function: walking, talking, etc. I was just super wobbly and profane (apparently, and not all that surprisingly). Either way, the wife put the kabosh to any further drinking, and probably saved my life and a Monday morning hangover. Managed to fight off a good vomit the next morning and after a two hour nap I was no worse for the wear.

One Blacked out Man's thoughts on the game: I may have imagined this but Yost had no problem throwing Torres out there for 2 1/3 in a non-save situation. Then sent out Tavaras for a second inning in lieu of Mota, DiFelice and Dillard. There was no real reason for this, but Neddy claims he didn't want to "put a rookie out there with the game on the line" (even though like two days ago he put Dillard out there in a one run game) and "Mota pitched two innings on Wednesday" but "he would've pitched him in the 13th." Then said "I don't worry about the next day, I was playing to win."

He pretty much contradicted himself in everything he said a) in the same day AND b) like two days earlier when he refused to use Mota in the 8TH because it wasn't a "save situation".

Fucking prick held onto his job because of the win yesterday.

In other news:

Tiger's putt yesterday was one of the first times I can remember jumping off the couch and yelling while watching golf. I watched about half of the playoff round online at work. USOpen.com was about the coolest website ever. Live TV coverage online for free, and it was pretty crystal clear. It was a lot better than March Madness On Demand, which used to be the best thing ever.

The small section to the left

Just an FYI, I'm fucking terrible at attempting to hit a slowly pitched softball with a peak of roughly 8 feet in the air. I think I start my swing about 3 full seconds before I need to...

I Knew It....

This is probably a day or two late, but I figured what better time to discuss a wretched, rat-infested, corrupt sport than when I am watching its "championship series". People much smarter than I, and well, I, have been saying the NBA was fixed for years. Now Tim Donaghy comes out and says that the NBA told refs to basically help certain teams with star players win so that ratings and tickets sales would go up.

Anybody that lives in Wisconsin is keenly aware that the NBA is rigged. The 2001 Eastern Conference Finals is all I needed to see. I heard on the radio this morning that in the 00-01 season, Dikembe Mutombo "who want to sex Mutombo?", then the center for the Sixers, and pretty good at the time, had averaged 6.5 free throw attempts per game that season. In game 7 against the Bucks he shot NINETEEN. Also in that series, Scott Williams was suspended for game 7 for a flagrant foul. That season, the Sixers had Allen Iverson in his prime, and the NBA surely wanted an AI v. Kobe/Shaq finals. The last thing the NBA would have wanted was Milwaukee (the 33rd largest TV market) to win, when it could have #4. Even the Bucks Ray Allen said, "The bottom line is about making money." The NBA promptly slapped he and then-coach George Karl with $85,000 in fines.

And the thought that Dick Bavetta was helping the NBA fix games? C'mon now. Its not as if Dick Bavetta has refereed every game I've ever seen where it was obvious that the NBA needed one team to win so he shows up to call 40 fouls against the other team.

For David Stern to sit there and say that Donaghy is obviously lying and is trying to help himself is basically Stern saying to the American public that you are fucking stupid and can't see.

This is why the NBA will never be more than a passing interest for me. I can tolerate fantasy basketball, a playoff game involving Chris Paul and the Finals and that is it. I pretty much watch the Finals because of a lack of anything else on.

The Promised Crew v. Twinkie preview

Sometimes, 3 out of 162 baseball games carry so much emotion and hatred that it calls for a preview by somebody that doesn't really have any special knowledge of the game. Someone who is sitting on the couch watching people floating down the fucking street in a canoe (I'm not fucking kidding, I just saw it on TV) There is allegedly 6 fucking FEET of water on Highway 41 in Fond du Lac. OK, well the apocalypse aside, here is your goddamn preview.

The Twinks lucked the fuck out by missing Sheets. I'm just sayin'.

Game 1: Kevin Slowey (2-6, 5.15) v. Dave Bush (2-6, 5.85)

This game will be like watching old people fuck. Not very much fun, but with all the homers flying out it will be like a car crash where you can't turn away. I'm glad the Twins have a 6 game loser too.

Not many Brewer at bats v. Slowey. Hall, Hardy and Hart have pounded him (in their 3 or 4 at bats). Team OPS is 1.151 v. Retardey errrr. ...I mean Slowey.

Again not much Twins v. Bush (and I think it is mostly because they loooove asshole). Michael Cuddyer is a comical 6 for 11 lifetime v. Bushie. Mike Redmond also has nice stats. Overall though, Twins have a .583 OPS v. Bush.

I'm going with a 8-5 Brewer win in Game 1.

Game 2: Glen Perkins (2-2, 4.58) v. Jeff Suppan (4-4, 3.78)

I've never fucking heard of Glen Perkins, I'll be honest. When I saw Perkins, I thought it might be SAM Perkins, but no such luck.

Soup is a fucking BORING pitcher to watch. And he puts three guys on every inning and might give up 2 runs in 7 innings....with 13 hits.

The only current Brewer with an at-bat against him is Gabe Kapler, and he is 0 for 1.

Surprisingly little experience against the Twins for Soup too. He fucking OWNS Mike Lamb (3 for 19). Mauer, Morneau, Redmond and.....Livan Hernandez, have had success in relatively few at bats v. Soup. .765 team OPS v. Soup, which is slightly above average.

Honestly, this one is sort of a push for me. Typically, pitchers going against hitters for the first time have the advantage. But I don't want to watch the Brewers lose. Fuck it. 5-4 Brewers.

Game 3: Scott Baker (2-1, 3.60) v. Ginger (3-3, 4.07)

Hall and Hardy have pounded Baker too (odd). .827 OPS for Crew v. Baker.

Ginger destroys Craig Monroe (0-6). Mauer, Morneau and Redmond have been nice against him. .871 OPS.

I'll be kind and give one to the Twins. 6-5.

High & Tight

LaVelle E. Neal is the Tom Hardicourt of the Minnesota Twins. Or is he the Anthony Witrado? Either way he seems neither as ornery nor as ignorant as either of those guys. I haven't (so far) found the need to post any complaints about him because he covers the Twins in an objective way (he's a White Sox fan, I believe, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr). Anyways, in his most recent blog entry he talks about pitching inside and the fact that the Twins pitchers don't do it. Mostly, he blames the lack of bean balls and brush backs on inexperience, but he did add this juicy note that I'm sure Dietz would enjoy.

Ultimately, it’s up to the pitcher to throw the right pitches where they can be the most effective. But the coaching staff has to get it out of him.

The catcher does too. There were some pitches the coaching staff thought Joe Mauer could have called differently on Friday, especially when Nick Blackburn kept firing first pitch fastballs in the fifth inning. And the catcher can influence the pitcher to throw inside more.

Great. It's Butt Stink's fault that the pitchers don't throw inside and only throw fastballs. I wish no one would have ever stated this in print because it will only give credence to the argument that our home town hero isn't everything he is cracked up to be. Now I will have to spend more endless hours fending off the Butt Stink bashing that occurs within the friendly confines of the Metrodome, Emma's Bar or Our House. I almost wish I wouldn't have read it. Boo, information technology!!!

P.S. I write this post as I listen to Otis Redding singing "Nobody Knows You (When You're Down & Out). This should be the song that Rick Anderson plays during all of his pitchers' side sessions.

The Dark Side, Something, Something ...

Soon the Democrats will be crushed and young Obama will be one of us! Your work here is finished, my friend. Go out to the command ship and await my orders.

Yikes! For some reason I don't like John McCain's chances in November. At least he's my friend.

The Elder of T Squared strikes again

Mr Hardicourt has this little gem in response to NathanH's comments in his monday blog posting about a Brian Roberts trade rumor that was about as fresh and original as the content on this blog.

"Another example of a non-story concocted by a hack baseball writer trying to manufacture off-day fodder.

In the first place, the rumor is ridiculous on its face. The Orioles know they can get a lot more than Weeks for Roberts. The Brewers aren't about to pay that much money for a marginal upgrade, nor are they about to give up on a guy they took with the No. 1 draft pick only five years ago. The only way a trade like this is even remotely possible is if Weeks' current knee injury turns out to be long-term in nature, and even then the Orioles would demand far more than just Weeks for Roberts. And I wouldn't make the trade in any event, because I still think Weeks will turn out to be better than Roberts ever has been.

Just once, I'd like to see reporters like Haudricourt report the news instead of trying to create it. Just once, I'd like to see baseball writers stop using each other - or the infamous "BadgerBlog" that had Yost out the door a few weeks ago - as their own best sources. Just once, I'd like to see a score in a game story before the sixth or seventh graph. Just once, I'd like to read about how somebody "threw" a ball rather than how somebody "through" it. Just once, I'd like to see these guys get through a story without a perjorative adjective, like "unconscionable" regarding Suppan's walks yesterday. And just once, I'd like to be taught in a story something I didn't already know about baseball and the Brewers.

Yost is obviously quite defensive in his dealings with Haudricourt and his little helper, and I don't blame him in the least. In fact, if I werer Yost, I wouldn't talk to him at all because it's obvious that the overriding story Haudricourt is trying to create is a Yost firing.

This is a knowledgeable baseball town, and it deserves far better than it's getting from these people and this paper. Too bad baseball writers can't be traded as players can, although I doubt we could get much more than a waiver-wire writer than Haudricourt."

Granted this is a bit long winded and quite derailed from the original topic of Hardicourt's post, but all in all I'd say a lot of points are spot on. He has some back and forth with other commenters, basically calling Hardicourt a hack throughout. Finally ole Tommy the Gun jumps into the fray and he actually keeps his composure for the first part of his response.

"To NathanH,
One of the reasons for having a blog is to respond to other blogs about the Brewers, especially if they're from a mainstream web site such as Fox Sports. This is a blog, not a front-page story in the JS. And, as far as my bosses go, they're the ones who encourage me to respond to other blogs and either refute the items or lend credence to them. And they continually tell me I'm doing this blog exactly the way it's supposed to be done. So, you know nothing about my job and what it entails, especially when it comes to blogging. As other posters have suggested, stay off the Brewers Blog if it enfuriates you so much. That way, no one has to bother reading your inane, know-nothing responses. What you know about me, my job and blogging, I could put in a thimble and still have plenty of room for my thumb."

Poor Tom almost made it this time, but he just couldn't resist getting that last, zomg I'm a sports writer for JSOnline and I'm way better than you jab in at the end. You might also notice that he mis-spelled infuriate, nice.

An Offer That I Can't Refuse?

I've been on a slight hiatus lately, as I have been busy posting on my other blog (obviously under a nom de plume or two). I realized I have been neglecting my duties here so I decided to scroll through the posts from the last week or so (it seems that some of my posts are coming under scrutiny from the local media). That's when I noticed this. Childish insults aside, I would be honored to take part in a keeper league because it will allow the chance to flex my fantasy muscle in eastern Wisconsin. Before the offer becomes official I just want to alert everyone to my Yahoo! Fantasy Profile. Those trophies speak for themselves. Especially, the dual championships in 2003.

Juice, if you asked me in person my response would have been something like this.

So Long It's Been Good To Know You

I was watching the Twins' game while surfing the web when I learned some information about my favorite "planet" from Yahoo!. Apparently, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has decided on the term "plutoid" as a name for dwarf planets like Pluto. As most of you know, Pluto was demoted to dwarf status in August 2004. This infuriated me because the elitists at the IAU had the nerve to cast aside a planet that had worked so hard to become the nine pizzas that my very educated mother just served us. Plus, in fourth grade my group was assigned to build a model of Pluto and write a report for a class project about the solar stem. I have built quite an affinity for the tiny, wayward planet and am distraught about its path into irrelevance.

Of course, this got me thinking about the Twins. I started to wonder which current member of the Twins is destined to experience the same fate as Pluto. The criteria was simple. The player once had to actually be good and now suck to the point of demotion (the suck part is easier because just about every Twin does right now). I scoured their roster and one named just jumped out at me; Juan Rincon. This man is Pluto. He was once a key member of the bullpen but is now reduced to the dwarf planet status that comes with being the 13th member of a 13 man pitching staff. Recently, Ron Gardenhire has pledged that once interleague play begins the Twins will go back to a 12 man staff. This, more than likely, means Rincon will be cast aside with the rest of the plutoids, a.k.a the Rochester Red Wings.

That was kind of fun. I wonder who the Brewers' plutoids are. Billy Hall comes to mind. Derek Turnbow, too. Any thoughts?

Update: Rincon has moved one step closer to becoming a plutoid.

Border War, 10K, Saturday

This coming Saturday is going to be one of the most insane and potentially awesome Saturdays in a very long time. At 8 a.m., the wife and I are slated to run in a 10K in Green Bay. At 6 p.m. we are scheduled to be nestled in our seats at the lovely Miller Park, smashed out of our gords to watch the Crew forcibly rape the Minnehaha Twinkies with 14 of our acquaintances.

The race is not going to be fun at all. We ran 6 miles a few weeks ago, and I felt my eyes start to bleed about mile 5. The 10k is like 6.2 or 6.3 or some shit (stupid fucking metric system). If I am somehow to survive that, I have to try not to strangle my wife while she takes far too long to get ready to sit in a car for 2 hours and then get really drunk, and I get the shakes from lack of alcohol.

The hope is to get to Milwaukee around 1 to start drinking, and get to Miller Park around 3 I would guess. Somehow, I am going to end up having to drive and ruining my entire day, because that is how things seem to work where everyone wants to get drunk and someone has to drive.

I am all geared up for the game. I bent over and purchased my first ever Brewer jersey. Which is odd because I have had about a dozen Packer jerseys. Other than a Baltimore Orioles jersey I got on clearance, I've never had a baseball jersey at all. Either way, the honor is bestowed on the Hebrew Hammer. Comforted by his long term deal and his long length (albeit uncircumcised) dick, he was the obvious choice. I went with the white "retro-Friday" or "retro-Sunday" or whatever the fuck it is this year, because it was cool and it was cheaper than either the true 1982 home or away jerseys. (The one I really wanted). The only difference between mine and the '82 home jersey is that the number isn't outlined in yellow and there is no patch on the arm(which is pretty fucking cool, but not $25 cool). Prediction is that I spill some type of dark beer on it by about 2:30 p.m. and walk around with a gigantic stain on it the rest of the day.

As far as the game goes, a preview will be in the offing at some point this week because I fucking hate the Twins. Game on Saturday was so sold out that we had to go to StubHub.com to get tickets. There are going to be a bunch of faggots and their bitches at the game in Kirby Puckett jerseys I'm sure. Someone will be shot on Water St. later that night. This is all assuming that the sewer didn't back up all over Miller Park or that it wasn't washed away by a fucking dam (god damn?) bursting.

-I never got to mention how large Solomon Torres's sack is after that ridiculous save on Sunday.

-Billy Hall bends over and moves to second because God (and his damn?) has blessed us with a Rickie Weeks knee injury. I hope it is as not serious as Eric Gagne's shoulder that has had him day-to-day for a month.

More Yost Infection

I'm just going to go ahead and quote a large portion of Bear's buddy Tom Hardicourt's notes article from yesterday on JS Online because it will save time (then I'm going to put my comments in italics):

"Over his last seven games, Mota has a 10.28 earned run average, allowing 10 hits, two walks and eight runs in 7 1/3 innings. He also has been getting tagged by left-handed hitters (.366 average), yet Yost let him face Todd Helton, who crushed an RBI double off the center-field wall. (That's not very good)

The reliever Yost removed from the game in favor of Mota, Carlos Villanueva, is holding left-handed hitters to a .216 batting average this season. (Solid. But I could find a stat showing T-blow is great in some small meaningless stat to prove my point)

"I think (Mota's splits) are the product of a couple of bad games, more than anything else," Yost said. "It's not a trend, I would say. (OK. I guess that could happen. 7 games is sort of a large sample size, but I'm listening.)

"He had one bad outing, to be honest with you, here lately. I don't think his trend line is going down because he had a bad outing (Friday)." (OK. Well, I know that my memory isn't the greatest, but I swear I remember him blowing a game or two fairly recently.)

Actually, Mota has had more than one bad outing. He blew a save opportunity against Los Angeles on May 14 by allowing three runs in the ninth inning. And he lost a game May 25 in Washington in the ninth when he allowed a walk, single and wild pitch that sent home the winning run. (ZING! I don' think Hardicourt is getting invited to the team orgy tonight. And that is alot more than one bad outing Yost, you dick).

Of the game in Washington, Yost said, "That wasn't a bad outing. He came in after going two innings the day before and had a very clean first inning, then walked a guy on a 3-2 pitch, gave up a base hit, which made it first and third, and then wild-pitched him home.

"That's not a bad outing. He lost. It would be nice if we could get our facts straight.

"I've got no problem with what happened (Friday) night. Mota didn't walk the ballpark. And we didn't throw the ball around. He got beat. It happens."" (Walk. Hit. Wild-pitch. Game Over. That is a fucking bad outing. And then he has to try to intimidate Hardicourt with the "It would be nice if we could get our facts straight." Yeah Neddy. Maybe you should get your fucking facts straight asshole. It's like he is watching or managing a completely different sport than the one that has been played for over 100 years, and he has his own definitions of what is a "bad outing". So, So, frustrating. Isn't this just like GW declaring victory in Iraq 5 years ago, and then saying he would do everything the same way if he could do it over?)

First of all, I need to give Hardicourt some credit. He wrote the article exactly like I would. He is clearly not defending Yost's Yostiness.

Secondly, Yost is still an idiot and an asshole.

Why Yost Brings This Upon Himself

I often wonder whether I and 97% of all Brewer fans are too critical of Neddy Yost. Managers typically take way too much blame for their team losing, and very little credit when they win (unless you are Joe Torre). But time after time, he makes things worse for himself by not having a filter between his brain and his mouth. Now, he is not a Ozzie Guillen type, who also doesn't have a filter, but every other word out of his mouth starts with an F and ends in U-C-K. No, Yost is a George W. Bush type, who is by all accounts a dipshit, who doesn't think before he talks, and then gets all upset and snippy when you question his decision making.

Last night for instance, his move to remove Villanueva after a scorching 10 pitch 7th for Mota was questionable. BUT, none of us REALLY know what is going on behind the scenes, so even though the move obviously didn't work out, he could have said something after the game to make the move make sense. He could have said, Carlos was tired (which would have been a lie because he was rested), could have said he like Mota matching up against these particular hitters, or he could have admitted he fucked up and in the heat of the moment Mike Maddux told him to make the change. Instead, as he usually does, he unleashes some non-sensical, bullshit, beauty like this:

"Mota's been our eighth-inning pitcher the majority of the year," said
Yost. "We went to our eighth-inning pitcher."

Had the Brewers gotten Kendall home, Yost said he would have stuck with
Villanueva another inning. Why?
"It's not a save situation," Yost
explained.

Really Ned? Really? It's not a fucking save situation? Well Neddy, except in very unique circumstances (and last night certainly wasn't one of them), the fucking 8TH INNING IS NEVER A SAVE SITUATION!!!! What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not totally ripping his move, I wouldn't have done it. I would have left Villa in, and had Mota warm just in case, but I can't question the move itself. Not every move works, bullpens will blow games. But when a move goes wrong, you piss everyone off by acting like a pompous dick when you are asked a simple question about it. And then you wonder why everyone wants your ass fired.

He also said later: "We didn't give anything away tonight." Another quote that has no adequate reaction. You just gave up a three run lead in the last two innings, when your ace pitched well, against a team that has one of the worst records in baseball, when you had a chance to get a road win that have been few and far between all year, and when it was all caused by a questionable decision by you, and you didn't give anything away. I guess he blacked out in the 8th too.

I just want a manager that is going to shut the fuck up, admit his mistakes, not
make childish quotes to the media, not play favorites (Weeks) and not make a
stupid decision every three games.

Other Illegitimate Thoughts

-Tonight at 10pm CST on NFL Network: Divisional Playoff: Green Bay at Philadelphia (2004)....Um, no thanks, I think I'm washing my hair or something. Fuck. That fucking tape should be destroyed forever along with the Broncos Super Bowl, and last year's NFC Championship among others. I'm too shaken to come up with the rest of my list....and there is a list.

-Derek Fisher has been on Mike and Mike in the Morning or PTI every day for the past two months. Does he even fucking play? How does he have time to do all these interviews? Michael Strahan thinks you are whoring yourself out to the media.

-On the Brewer telecast tonight, the announcers mentioned how Gabe Kapler was playing because Yost said he is "rewarding performance". Which seems to be true except for fucking Rickie Weeks. It's like Yost blacks out during all his at-bats. He is fucking janky. I had a nightmare last night that Sheets got hurt and went out for the year. Then I realized he was starting tonight...Then he pitched pretty well and is fine so whatever.

Laying Down The Guantlet to Loaf Cobra

Bear and I currently reside in a 9-team fantasy football keeper league. We desperately need a 10th. I am sure Bear hasn't gotten around to talking to you about this given his busy, busy schedule. This is the third year of the league, so inherently, you and the other new guy, are going to be at a major disadvantage initially because the "top" 24 guys will be gone. The good thing is that you would presumably get 4 of the top 8 picks (assuming everyone keeps three), and the fact that we are all fucking morons and are bound to let someone go that is really good. Other factors: cost is $40, draft is August 16th in Stoughton, WI. Bear is allegedly going, even though he hasn't been to a draft yet, and has made the playoffs two years in a row due to his shrewd dealing (traded Shaun Alexander (whom he picked up off waivers) for Tom Brady two years ago) and the Hitler-esque way in which he rules his team. Drafting via list can be done. You are a gigantic, bulbous, and smelly vagina if you don't.

Who Dun It?

If you think for one second that an NFL player (or more likely someone in his posse) didn't have something to do with the steroid dealer that snitched to the NFL and named names about players he dealt to, winding up with a fucking bullet in his forehead, you are wrong.

I love conspiracies probably more than the average person even, but this is the most obvious hit I've ever seen. You know what else? Goodell will never let this get solved.

There is a 50% chance it was Pacman, a 50% chance it was Chris Henry and a 60% chance it was Odell Thurman. Bryant McKinnie probably deserves a percentage or two as well.

Pop Culture Interlude

For weeks now, I've been telling people that they need to watch The Real World. There has been a running subplot that has gone on e for two episodes that I haven't been able to delve into yet. The insanity hurts my brain. There is a black dude with dreds on the show who has appeared in at least 7 different colors of shirts that have "Michigan State" across the chest in standard block lettering.

Red
Blue
Pink
Orange
Powder Blue
Purple
Black

This has driven me absolutely insane, because he doesn't wear anything else, and every time they show him, he has a different one on. I don't know where he gets them, but I am going to burn down that store. End of rant.

-My guess is that I will last until the third quarter of the NBA finals game that will end at midnight.

Day one brings vindication

All of our 1 and a half readers out there will be pleased to know that the senior member of the Terrible Twosome has already given me some ammunition for my reoccurring item.

Here's a response to Hardicourt's blog posting about covering the Brewers draft today from a man with the handle of BetterThanGlenn.

"Tommy, please, just post the names. Don't interject your opinions because we all know you (along with all the hayseeds on this blog) have no knowledge of these guys. As someone who follows the amateur scene, it's hilarious to see casual fans (and casual reporters) try to expound on these guys. Just post the names, rube."

Of course Tom being the upstanding writer that he is, can't resist taking a shot back at BetterThanGlenn in another response.

"I appreciate BetterThanGlenn telling me how to do my job, because as we all know, he's the smartest baseball man in the world.

Anyway, for those who understand that nobody covers the Brewers drafts ever year as well as I do, I'll be posting more than the names when the Brewers select them.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, if this guy really is "BetterThanGlenn," I feel really sorry for Glenn. Really sorry."

I've been around the internet for about a decade now. I think the first thing you learn when you start diving into the internet's community is that there are a few certains. Everything you can search on google will eventually devolve into a porn site listing, spammers and advertisements are a scourge on every website, and if you post something for public view that a lot of people will read, you are going to get forum trolls. Do you know how to beat forum trolls Tom? You ignore them you dumbass. They are like a two year old that hits their leg on a coffee table, if you ignore them they will go about their business, if you acknowledge that something might have happened to the child, they will notice this reaction and immediately start crying. Forum trolls tend to give up if no one ever reacts to what they post because the only reason they ever post anything is to get a reaction out of others.

Now I know Hardicourt is like 62 years old and the "interweb" is a new fandangled whosimawhatsit, but seriously man, figure it out by now... I think the reason he gets so pissy in his reactions is because BetterThanGlenn is spot on with his assessment of Hardicourt being an amateur.

A Riveting Hour of Television

I'm not really sure what just happened, but I got sucked into "The Price Is Right $1,000,000 Extravaganza" tonight. The contestants on that show never cease to amaze me. Each one is more insane than the next. Some are obviously hopped up on pain killers, others considerably less straight than others. Also, they still have the same rickety ass games that they've had since like the mid 50's when Bob Barker was drunk and banging "Barker's beauties" during commercial breaks. Drew Carey kind of sucks as the host, but the contestants keep it together.

First, some hot (for a Price Is Right Contestant) won a $65,000 Corvette convertible by guessing that the last number in the price was a 4. And it wasn't one of those games where she had a 50/50 chance. She had to pick a number between 0-9 and she needed to be exactly right. So that got a loud cheer in the Juice household. Oh and she was allegedly in college and had a shirt on that said "Drew is gorges"...and I didn't misspell her shirt, that was how it was spelled.

Later, this incredibly, incredibly homosexual dude (who had a kid somehow, and was a preschool teacher) won the wheel spinning deal and went up against the Corvette chick in the Showcase showdown. Chick had to bid on some iPod shit, a flat screen and a Hybrid Ford Explorer and bid $45k and change. Gay dude had to bid on three female swimsuits(!!), a catamaran, and a Cadillac convertible. He bid $83k and change. Our immediate reaction was that he overbid by about 20 grand and the bitch that had already won the 'vette was going to get another car. Her showcase was up first, and she was like $2400 off, which is incredibly solid, especially since he was obviously over. Even Drew Carey was laughing at how high the guys bid was. Then he looked at the gay dudes total and he was $880 off.....Which means that not only did he win his showcase, but he won hers too, AND since it was the million dollar extravaganza, he won a million fucking clams too. We rewound our TV twice to see his reaction, it was priceless. It gave me chills.

The lesson as always, is everyone is Hollywood is gay, and all you have to do to be a millionaire is wait in line for 10 hours to get on a game show and know how much shit costs.

Das Fuhrer

Ned Yost said that he would "think about" keeping Torres (who has been great) as the closer over Gagne (who has been shitty) when he comes back.

He is also rethinking his stance on the Holocaust being a myth and allowing women to vote.


-The Brewers are on fucking fire right now.....and are still 6.5 back.

JSOnline Reporters, when the internet goes wrong

Ok, I'm gonna start this up as a weekly, possibly daily item judging from how idiotic the Terrible Twosome really can be. I'm not sure what their nickname should be yet, though with tom, tony, terrible twosome, lots of T's, something good can go with that, but I'm at work and I don't want to waste too much time on this post.

Here is today's excerpt from Anthony Witrado's mailbag.

" Q: Joshua Thompson of Sacramento, CA - THIS IS NOT BEGGING THE QUESTION: "With many fans calling for the Brewers to fire Ned Yost, it BEGS THE QUESTION: Does making a managerial change during the season make a difference? Recent history suggests yes ... and no." This is the second time I've emailed regarding your improper use of the phrase. Well, Tom was first, I don't know who wrote this bit, but this is not begging the question. "Begging the question," is a logical fallacy where the fundamental premise is itself disputed. Please, I love reading about the Crew out here in Cali, but this is so amateurish. What you mean to write is, "raises the question." Aren't you English majors? I apologize for my tone, but please ... please...

A: Anthony Witrado - I'm not an English major. I'm not Tom. I never wrote that phrase. Isn't your ladder waiting for you to get on the horse? (couldn't resist) "

The content of the question notwithstanding, if you were a sportswriter, why the fuck would you ever bother responding to something like this? "Dur just so you guys know I'm not an english major so it's ok for me to fuck up grammatically for the newspaper of the 22nd largest city in America". You are a god damn news reporter man, so if someone calls you out on shit like this, it's probably best to just file it away for future use and leave it at that. No no, not Mr. Witrado, he has to publish it to the world that this guy dare mock his grammatical ability, so he uses his mailbag to talk shit to the guy. If I was his editor I would have rained down on his ass harder than Pacman raining on ho's in seedy Vegas stripclubs and bars(coming soon to a Dallas club near you, only the third time in my life I've been willing to admit the existance of God).


So the hijinx of the Terrible Twosome will be covered by me in regularly alloted items. I've been meaning to do this for some time, so on slow days or on days where these two might have the common sense to shut the fuck up for a whole 24 hours, I'll probably be trolling for old stuff to call their janky asses out on.

Sports and Politics

Really?

Ex-Sun Johnson leads race for Sacremento Mayor.

I once owned his shoes.

Rodgers on NFL Network

Happened to come upon an interview between Aaron Rodgers and Rich Eisen on NFL All Access last night. It was mostly boring, Rodgers droning on, saying all the right things, etc. Then, out of the blue, Eisen asks: "Is that a mullet you have?" Rodgers reply: "Not yet." Love that answer more than anything. Not yet. Meaning that he will at some point have one. This is a great development, I think.

Later, Eisen questioned him on how that wasn't a mullet, and Rodgers explained to him the intricacies of "business in the front, party in the back". Eisen says: "Looks like you got the party in the back part down." Rodgers replies: "I got all kinds of party back there."

The more I hear Rodgers talk about hairstyles and mustaches, the more I love the guy. He is my second favorite person on a sports team right now besides Ryan Braun.

NOTE: I couldn't find a good Rodgers hair picture without Favre in it (and he is dead I hear).

No Hockey for Old Men

-I tried really, really hard to make it until the end of the hockey game last night. It was a fantastic game (as far as I could tell). Its just that on a Monday night, when I was up at 6 to go to work in the morning, midnight gets to be pretty late. It fucking sucks fighting with all your might to try to stay up for something, and losing miserably. I was trying to fill my 4 hockey games per year quota, and I made it to the second OT, so counts I guess. What struck me (other than that dude that got hit in the face with the slapshots' face) was how much better Detroit was than Pittsburgh. They were so much faster, and they got off about three times as many shots, and lost. There is nothing better than OT playoff hockey. I just wish it was on earlier.

-I lost a bet yesterday. I had "when velociraptors hatch from my ass" as the date that Prince Fielder would steal third base. I also had "when running my nuts over with a lawn mower sounds like a good idea" as the date that he would steal third and get an infield single in the same game. So congrats.

-In Ned Yost news, he is still a fucking asshole. When questioned on whether he was concerned about Rickie "Windmill" Weeks and Mike "The human auger" Cameron striking out fucking 80 times between them, and batting 1st and 2nd, he responded (paraphrasing): "Russell Branyan fucking struck out 11 out of 22 at bats, so he is striking out fucking 50% of the time, but he's batting fucking .300 so nobody complains about him." Really Ned? Really? A guy could strike out 70% of the time as far as I'm concerned, but if he got a hit the other 30% of the time I would be perfectly fine. He has no argument at all and is fucking stupid. Weeks and Cameron are NOT good hitters.

-HUGE save last night. Despite their best efforts to fuck it up, Torres makes "The Committee" 7-1 v. 11-7 for Gagne. And Gagne TOTALLY would have lost that one last night.

-They call our resident ginger Seth McClung "Chucky". That is funny. He has his first two career hits off of Randy fucking Johnson.

-My wife believes that someone should bring back the term "Janky". I personally believe it is underused.

Kimbo Slice Popped My Cherry

-I had never actually sat and watched a Mixed Martial Arts card until last night. I guess I am probably a late adopter when it comes to this sort of thing, as I know people who pay $49.95 to watch pay per views. Last night, CBS debuted MMA on network television. I figured if CBS picked it up, it must be good, so I tuned in. Much to my delight, CBS tabbed none other than Gus Johnson to do the play by play. Gus Johnson could announce me taking a shit and make it sound like the most exciting thing ever.

It was sort of a strange show. It started showing a bunch of skanks dancing around to some song I've never heard of. Then, when the matches actually started, they shot off fireworks ala WWE, and had Busta Rhymes come out rapping to introduce the first guy. The first two matches ended in first minute KO's. The second guy that got knocked out was some dude that called himself "The New York Badass" and brought out two different skanks with him and he danced around. This left me a bit confused, as it definitely reminded me more of some lame WWE intro than anything else. Although, I suppose there are plenty of flamboyant boxers that do the same thing.

After the first two, the third match featured "Crush" from American Gladiators (the new one) against some freaky looking chick with dreads from Minnesota (I think it is fair to point out that two of the fighters were from Minnesota). Crush beat the shit out of the dreadlocked chick.

Next, there was a really good match for some title or another that got called because a dude got poked in the eye and couldn't see out of it. So I guess it was a no decision.

Finally, in the main event Kimbo Slice's beard fought some English dude with an ear that was all fucked up. Eventually the dudes ear "burst" and was gushing blood everywhere. And even though the English dude nearly beat Kimbo, the breaking of the dude's ear, and three or four ridiculous punches in a row forced the ref to stop the fight.

-In other news, I hoped Big Ben was going to punch Neddy in the face last night when he came out to pull him. I guess Neddy has turned over a new leaf here as he had a bad habit of leaving guys in FAR too long. Although, when Gagne comes back, he should learn to pull him before he loses the game. The Committee is 6-1 (Gagne 11-7)

-That Jay Bruce guy for the Reds is incredible. He is 11 for 19 with a walk-off HR so far. He is taking on legendary proportions. He is on pace for 14,000 Hits and 1253 HRs.