Lock It Up! Championship!

Well, Doug Melvin has done it again. He has found the missing link to get them back to the playoffs, just like last year. They might as well start printing the tickets now.

PS. At least I won't have to watch Billy Hall hit .201 anymore. Hopefully ever again.

No Way

Color me shocked that David "I hit a career high 20 HRs for the Twins at age 26, and then mysteriously hit 31, 41, 47, 54 and 35 in the next five seasons during baseball's steroid/HGH era" Ortiz, tested positive in '03. I agree with Ozzie Guillen who said, and I'm paraphrasing "Just show us the whole fucking list so I don't have to answer questions about it every week for the rest of my fucking life." How is this really even news any more?

And really, Ortiz is allegedly a Packer fan, so how can you stay mad at him?

Announcement

Right now, I'm pretty sure it's over (my NFL career). But if someone calls on November 1st, who knows?

BREW CREW HANGOVER

Hey! We beat the worst team in baseball in comeback fashion! Wheeee!

The Saga Continues?

The following are a list of reasons why He Who Shall Not Be Named decided to stay retired:

1) Couldn't go through 16 games due to his shoulder.

2) Hated practice and training camp.

3) Was allergic to taintsucking Viqueen fans.

4) Was afraid of dudes that look like Mr. McGoo.

5) Was afraid of being raped by Jared Allen.

6) Was afraid that with all the restaurant choices that existed in the Twin Cities area (see Ryan Longwell), he would get lost and end up back on the Vicodin.

7) Was afraid of albinos. (see Darrell Bevell).

8) Didn't want to tarnish his Packer legacy.

9) Had a torrid three way with McCarthy and Thompson that resolved all of their differences.

10) Wanted to cash in on that marketing deal with the Pack.

11) Was secretly trying to undermine the Viqueens all along at the direction of the evil Ted Thompson as payback for the tampering last season.

12) Missed his family.

13) Loved his tractors. Alot. Like in a not normal way.

Reasons why he will come back in three weeks:

1) Got jealous of another quarterback, any quarterback, throwing a TD pass. I mean like he is driving by a Pop Warner field.

2) Tired of not leading SportsCenter every day.

3) Misses Rachel Nichols living in his rose bushes.

4) Gets tired of cutting the grass every motherfucking day.

5) Deanna wants ANOTHER $10,000 handbag.

6) Deanna wants a $50,000 watch.

7) Deanna wants a $200,000 ring

8) Deanna wants a $150,000 car

9) Deanna wants a $1.2 million dollar yacht

10) Deanna wants a new beach house

11) The kids need shoes

12) Just a good 'ol boy who likes to compete.

13) Bus Cook needs money.

14) Scott Favre needs money.

15) Bonita Favre needs money.

16) Didn't mean he was going to stay retired FOREVER. Never actually said that. Just meant yesterday he was staying retired. Boy, the media sure likes to infer things!


I've thought about this whole sordid tale. If he really did stay retired, I would be allowed to say his name sometime around next year's Super Bowl, about February 1, 2011. His number could be retired in 2014, no earlier. Assuming he doesn't come back. Now I will mention him only when he either inevitably decides to come back, or when discussing how fucking stupid, gullible and sad Viqueen fans are.

Mwahahahahah!

Dear Fucking stupid Viqueen fans,

If anyone deserves to know how this feels, it is you. Have fun going 8-8 on 290 carries by A-Peter, and a whole shitload of fumbles and INTs by your QB. Not that it wouldn't have happened with He Who Shall Not Be Named involved. But at least He would have won you a couple of games too. Travarioueouis? Not so fucking much. God damn terrific. And trust me when I tell you that I am happy out of pure hatred for Viqueen fan, not love of He Who Shall Not Be Named, or fear he would beat us. I hope all you Viqueen fans eat shit and die. Also, enjoy Los Angeles. Because your time in Minnesota in that fucking shitty stadium, in front of 40,000 shitty fans (in a 70,000 seat stadium), is about to come to an end. Also, have fun trying to find the game during a local black out. You stupid fucking assholes. I can't wait for the Pack beat the living shit out of you and Traiueverooues. And that faggot with the cowboy hat and mullet.

Love,

Juicelaw

P.S. I fully understand that he will be in your training camp in three weeks. But let me fucking enjoy this for a little while.

COMING TOMORROW:

I'll probably beat this dead horse even further!

OMG Brett Favre!

Brett has broken the hearts of hundreds of thousands of Wisconsinites by choosing to... remain retired and not join the Minnesota Vikings.

What a disappointment, now what the fuck am I gonna talk about all season? Oh right, football and the Green Bay mother fucking Packers. Who, regardless of a 57 year old quarterback giving up 10 picks to us in a year or not, will still dominate the shit out of the Queens and probably have homefield wrapped up by week 13 this year. Suck on it.

UPDATE: Oh and I forgot to add, there's no way in hell he doesn't end up in purple a week after this, so I would like to hold a press conference to retract my previous statement and ecstatically rejoice the signing of Brett Favre by the Queens.

More Villa

From Brew Crew Ball. This is EXACTLY what happened.

Villa

I almost forgot in my blind rage over last night, that fucking Carlos Villanueva is going to start tonight. Not only is he horrible this year, but he was horrible as a starter in the past. Why trot him out there to give us 4 innings and then further slaughter an already slaughtered bullpen? I mean seriously. What the fuck? If you are going to do this, then what do you have to lose by throwing Dillard or some other AAA starter in there? Any time another team does it to the Crew, the Crew K's 10 times, and gets one hit in 8 innings. This just really fucking pisses me off. This is just like rolling out Bill Hall to face leftys, even though he can't hit them either, because he used to be able to hit them. I seriously fucking hate baseball managers some times. By the way, did Yost have like one more decision to make from the grave or something?

At Least Training Camp Starts Saturday

We just totally jumped into a time machine and stepped back to the mid 1990's last night. I knew it was a bad omen when we had a Pat Listach sighting. Jeff Suppan was Mr. Hyde last night. The entire bullpen was shit. Josh Willingham turned into the Babe Ruth-Barry Bonds-Ted Williams three-some love child (At least I had him in my fantasy lineup!). The sad thing is that we actually hit a little last night for a change, and it didn't matter. I think we are totally and completely fucked. An 8 run loss at home to one of the worst teams of the past decade will do this to a guy.

I am seriously starting to harken back to the times between about 1995 and 2006 when about July 28th, a young man's fancy would turn to analyzing 10-yard outs of dudes in helmets and shorts, and my investment in the Brewers involved looking at the 9-3 loss in the box scores in the morning paper. Of course, I didn't have cable for most of that time, and FSN didn't start showing almost every game until around 2004, and then I didn't even live in Wisconsin, so ignoring the Crew was alot easier. And the Crew was always about 20 games out by this time and there were no expectations because we were a poor team, with a shitty owner that hadn't been to the postseason since 1982.

Alot of that has changed now, so quitting is going to be increasingly difficult. I'm not quite to the point where I am not going to watch nearly every game. But it is going to be alot easier to switch in The Real World knowing that the Crew is probably getting their asses kicked. 4 games out is by no means done. But 4 games out in 4th place makes things alot harder. The Crew needs to win out in this series. And not waste any prospects in a trade. And hope for the best. I am getting fucking pumped for football season.

ASIDES:

Also getting pumped for the drunkest month of my life since 2003 that begins Friday. 2 bachelor parties, one fantasy draft, one Packer preseason game. I might die. And/or get divorced.

Michael Vick is getting jobbed.

Full (Frontal) Disclosure

So this is a little awkward, but I didn't want to not tell anyone what was going on. Or tell only some of you, and have someone feel left out. So I'm going to rely on the blog to tell the story, even though nobody reads it. This thing is sort of like my personal diary or what have you, but all I usually do is bitch about He Who Shall Not Be Named or (insert Brewer player here). Because generally, that is all I concern myself with, other than work, which I wouldn't wish hearing me bitch about on my worst enemy.

About a month ago I had that slurred speech shit which resulted in a trip to the emergency room, and a diagnosis of "Bell's Palsy". However, the doctor in the ER had me schedule an appointment with a neurologist just to be safe.

After listening my symptoms and family history, I underwent an MRI of my brain. The MRI showed some lesions and swelling and shit, so more tests were scheduled. About three weeks ago I had a spinal tap. Which if you've never had the pleasure of experiencing, doesn't actually hurt as bad as you think. The worst part was having to lie flat on your back, sans pillow, for 12 hours.

What the doctor was testing for was multiple sclerosis, because of the lesions, and because my mom has it too.

Fortunately, the additional tests came back normal. Unfortunately, these tests can only confirm MS if they come back bad, not rule it out. See, MS is a fucking mystery, wrapped inside of a conundrum. Even doctors who devote their lives can't explain what causes it, or tell you how it will affect a person. It is all about playing odds. And there is no cure. Because of the MRI and because of the family history, I was diagnosed with "probable MS". Basically, the doctor opined that he was pretty sure I have it, although he can't guarantee me either way. His feeling was that it was caught too early to clinically diagnose.

I was given two choices: 1) do nothing and do another MRI in 3 months to see what happens, which will prove absolutely nothing most likely, or act like I have it and treat it aggressively. The pros of the second option is that it would likely stem the tide of bad shit starting, and preventing attacks (mine manifested itself as slurred speech, but it also affects vision, causes headaches, and affects muscle function), and likely prevent any of the really bad shit from happening (paralysis, inability to work). Of course, none of this is a guarantee. Apparently, you can go from being completely healthy and young, and diagnosed early to being in a wheelchair, or you can be a old, useless fat fuck who catches it late, and be fine forever. I have alot peripherals in my favor to start. Plus my mom has had it for 8 or 9 years and is relatively fine. The cons of starting treatment is that it is a pain in the ass, because it involves giving yourself a shot every day. I decided to go with treatment, because I'm not much of a gambler when it comes to potential paralysis.

So what does this all mean for the future? I don't know shit. And I won't know until it happens. All I can do is take the shots and keep a positive attitude, and deal with whatever might happen. Which might be nothing. It is all a crapshoot. So nothing is going to change for now. I'm going to work out a little more. The medication I chose supposedly has few side effects and shouldn't change everyday life much. And I feel fine now, just like before, so other than the shots, I should be able to put it out of my mind. Two years from now, if all the shit on my brain goes away, I might be able to be told that I never had it. But it will take that long to find out if the medication was merely working, or if I don't' actually have it.

One interesting thing is that I was told that while I didn't have to stop drinking, alcohol affects someone with MS more than a normal person. For instance, I told the doctor about all the weddings and bachelor parties upcoming, and asked him if I went out and had 20 beers if it would kill me or make the MS worse. He said no, but it would be like you had 30 beers. So expect quite a few blackouts this month.

Anyway, sorry for the serious shit. I'm not looking for pity or condolences. Just wanted to put it out there because I don't really want to dwell on it anymore, though you guys should know, and that if you find some syringes in my bag, it isn't heroin. I encourage you to pass this on to anyone you think should know, because I'm not going to personally pass this on to anyone else.

On Location

If I had a camera with me, and I wasn't too lazy to figure out how to hook my Blackberry up to the computer. I would have posted the scene at Buffalo Wild Wings in GB. When you walk in, on the wall, there is a shrine to He. Except now that shrine is covered with duct taped X's across all of the posters and jerseys. And things like "traitor" and "Vikings suck" are written on the tape. It made me proud to be an American.

Roger Goodell Is Stealing Booze From Me

Well, it looks like the annual draft party is history. Roger Goodell is personally seeing to it that I get obnoxiously drunk one less time in 2010. I heard the next plan is to have the NFL take away Oktoberfest as well.

If you ask me, the clear motivation for making the draft three days, and turning it into a Thursday thru Saturday affair, was jealousy of the OJSFA draft. The NFL cannot stand that someone else has a better/ridiculously long/insanely complicated draft process than them. Also the OJSFA draft is a ratings bonanza. But the NFL couldn't go all the way, so they will slowly creep in one year at a time, until they are making one pick every day from March 1 to August 1. And making each pick an hour long show. Still, until there is a two day black out drunk celebration of the NFL draft, it will be nowhere near the Orenthal James Simpson Football Association, whose draft will be completed a mere 15 days from now!

PS. I totally came into work an hour early with the intention of working, but I instead made some fantasy baseball roster moves and took up space on the internets with a useless post about a "sporting event" that is going to take place in 9 months.

"Conflicted"

One Hundred Percent Bullshit.

Would You?

Since I am unoriginal, I am stealing another topic from local sports talk radio. I felt it was interesting. Would you mortgage the future and trade Gamel, Escobar and Parra or some combination of one or two of them, to get Roy Halladay or Cliff Lee for basically a half year or year and a half?

In order for this to make any sense, you have to assume that the player in question would waive a no-trade clause (not sure if Lee has one), and would stay through the end of the contract. Halladay has a year left (although there is some sort of CBA mumbo jumbo that may let him out) and there is a club option on Lee for next year. So let's just assume you get a year and a half from both.

Right now the Crew is in 4th in the Central, but is only 2 games out. And 7th in the Wild Card, 4 games out. So they are still in the thick of things. This is an extremely complex question to answer, and I'm going to do a shitty job of giving my opinion.

If you could guarantee me a playoff birth, I think they should do it, as long as Parra isn't involved.

The team has been to the playoffs once in 26 years. Other than Braun and Yo. I don't think anyone is guaranteed to be around much longer than next year. As weird as it sounds, the window is quickly closing, at least while it can be done relatively cheaply.

I certainly don't think it is a guarantee that Prince will be gone, but at the same time, you have to wonder how much the Crew would be willing to spend on a good to great hitter, and how much time they would give him. If Escobar goes, I wouldn't be opposed to signing J.J. long term, even though he has his limitations, I don't think he would be that expensive. Gamel might be hard to replace. Hart is the only other young guy, and he can fucking go.

We have no decent young pitching besides Yo and potentially Parra. If we let Parra go, I think it is a deal breaker. He has all the talent in the world, he is young, and he is under our control for four more years. Maybe he never puts it together, but he has shown flashes that would lead me to believe he could be great.

So the bottom line is that I think this year and next are our best chances to get to the playoffs, and while we may not be fucked afterwards, inevitably there will be some type of transition due to money constraints that face the Crew. Small market teams only get a few years to put it together before they have to rebuild from within. Some teams can put it all together (see Florida), while some get close (see Oakland and Minnesota). If Escobar and Gamel were that good, and so indispensable, they would be starting right now. And we have to hang onto any young pitching we have. I would rather have Halladay than Lee.

Feel free to tell me what a moron I am.

King James is a pussy

Really Lebron? This is what you were so afraid of? Jesus tap dancing christ man, that is pretty weak. You were out of position and the kid got a nice screen around his man and you and he got an easy dunk. I'm beginning to think this is a huge publicity stunt.

Something something... Knicks something something... cap and trade something something... dark side.

Shameless Tebow-isms Vol. 2

This edition is from Dennis Dodd at CBS Sports. To be fair I think he was trying to poke fun at the concept of the Tebow-ism at first, then he unloaded these beauties:

"If you think it takes a man to play football, try wading into a bunch of killers, rapists and criminals when the prison guards advise against it."

"With the entire team gathered around him, Tebow laid out how and why the Gators would win. Then went out and made it happen. "

"The Best Ever Will Play In the NFL. Doubt that inside the football offices and you will all but be laughed out onto University Ave. "

All said, it wasn't THAT bad.

The Anti-Plumber

I totally took a gigantic shit at work and plugged the toilet in the men's bathroom. I made the effort to look for the plunger, but one did not exist. So I left it plugged rather than bring attention to my impressively dense feces. About four hours later, I heard my boss checking to make sure there was nobody in the women's bathroom because HE had to shit, and didn't want to risk an overflow. A few minutes later he walked by with the plunger.

The awesome part is that he totally knows it was either him or me because we are the only two men here today. And I know he always takes a morning shit too. So he might think it was him. Or he hates me. Either way, I didn't have to plunge.

You may ask yourself, what does this have to do at least tangentially with sports? My shit reminded me of the combined line score through 5 innings of the great Soup/McClung combo so far: 5 IP, 9 H, 7ER, 3 BB, 6K, 2 HR. Fucking losers. It is 7-7 after 5.

Oh No You Didn't!!!

Why baseball is better than football.

Oh shit son

So apparently TMZ has acquired the Lebron video and they're going to show it at 6:45 EST tonight. I'm sure Nike is in the process of positioning it's satellites over the TMZ offices as we speak.

Unfortunately for Lebron this is the first he's ever been dunked on... ever, so it's a pretty big deal I guess.

Pirates Have Short Man's Syndrome

I got this from the local sports talk show this morning, so you'll have to forgive the information if it is completely fucking erroneous. But I am too lazy to look it up, so I'm just going to speculate. Allegedly, after Monday night's "retaliation" on Jeff Karstens, Karstens was being interviewed. In the background, some asshole named Delwyn Young (not to be confused with bat throwing Delmon Young, which of course, the local radio show did) yelled out "tell them that Ryan Braun is a coward." Can someone explain to me why the Pirates would be pissed at Braun over this? Or why Braun gets booed every time he comes up in Pittsburgh? Pretty sure all Braun did to "start" this was get drilled in the back with a fastball. Not sure he would have preferred that to happen over the HRs he has hit. So somehow, Braun is a coward for getting hit with a pitch. Pretty sure he doesn't have the pull it takes to order a Brewer pitcher to throw at someone three months later. Pretty sure Braun didn't actually throw any of those pitches. So I guess I don't get it.

To Braun's credit, he refused to comment.

Prince's response was something like (and I'm paraphrasing)"Who the fuck is Delwyn Young?" Both because a) Delwyn Young doesn't have the clout or respect to make comments about other, much better players and b) He literally hadn't heard of Delwyn Young until about 30 seconds earlier.

Mike Cameron said something like (and I'm paraphrasing again) "I'm not going to talk shit in the papers. I'm going to find him tomorrow." Which either means he is going to have a talk with him, or he's going to beat the shit out of him.

Either way, the Pirates suck. I am going to be starting in RF for them after Cameron ends his career.

ESPN Hearts Big Ben

Is ESPN fucking serious? How are people supposed to take anything they say seriously? They stalk He and Vick, yet when Big Ben is sued, with some very serious allegations. It is completely ignored. There isn't one iota of information anywhere on their website. I'm not saying the suit is legitimate, but if Vick killing dogs is news, and all the steroid garbage is news, then quarterback of the world fucking champions getting accused of sexual assault is news. This doesn't even warrant an acknowledgement that it exists from the biggest sports media outlet in the world? Does anyone remember the Duke sexual assault case? Kobe Bryant? What does Big Ben have on ESPN? This REALLY pisses me off for some reason. It is completely inexcusable. It has been over 16 hours since PFT had reported it. I bet they don't go 16 seconds without reporting what kind of breakfast meat He had this morning.

And it is quite possible the shit is made up. All though to be honest, there are a lot of details there, that would be pretty hard to make up. And it sounds like there might be a video tape.

Ken Macha is an Elephant

Because he never forgets. Three months after the cheap fastball between the shoulder blades from Jeff Karstens to Ryan Braun, what are the odds that Karstens will come to the plate as a hitter? As a reliever? It matters not to Ken Macha, who clearly ordered a code red in the form of a fastball to the back of Karstens. Fucking loved it. Will there be repercussions tonight?

IN OTHER NEWS

-The Twins fucking melted down. Which is nice.

-Jack Nicholson is either senile, or should stick to basketball, or both. I saw hit on SportsCenter this morning at a Phillies-Cubs game, wearing a Yankees hat. What the fuck? Dude, first of all, you live in LA. Shouldn't you be at a Dodger or Angel game? Second of all, I don't have a problem with going to a random game elsewhere, but do you think you could have either a) just combed your fucking hair or b) wore a plain hat or c) wore a Phillies hat? There is no way you are even a Yankee fan. You are just wearing it to "look cool". Nothing pisses me off more than to see someone at a Brewer-Cub game with a Pirates hat on. Or at a Packer-Panther game with a Bears jersey on (saw it this year). Fucking either go to your team's game, or tone it down. There should be a rule that you are automatically ejected from the premises if you have random team apparel on.

It Is Over

The diet. Got down to 180. A mere 39 pounds. I promptly went out and ate and drank like a 219 pounder. Won't be long until I'm back there.

The NL Central Race. Felipe Lopez will hit .436 with 39 HRs 141 RBI and 34 SB the rest of the way, and will also contribute in long relief. His addition will have the Crew winning the Central by 12 games. What I don't like is that we traded a minor leaguer I've actually heard of (Cole Gillespie). But in reality like 5% of minor leaguers ever even make it pro, so I guess I shouldn't worry. Chances we get Halladay? -45%.

The thought that Seth McClung is good. Jonny Gomes? Really?

The flight of Prince's homer yesterday. It finally landed.

In other news, I got completely fucked up a 4 in the afternoon with my 75-ish year old grandma. I bet between 4 and 7 pm on Saturday, the 6 people that were playing dice had between 50 and 75 shots. I know I had 10. It was totally random.

HR King! No, Not Prince

Prince's homer/posing/bat flip was nice and all, but I'm far more impressed with the fact that Braden Looper leads the NL in home runs allowed. Lucky for him, he also leads the league in run support, so he is lucky not be like 2-10 right now. He is an absolute mystery wrapped inside a conundrum. Is he good? Does he suck total balls? Is he better/worse/same as Suppan? I personally believe that he is probably worse than Soup on the whole. Granted, Suppan can be absolutely awful, but he can be really good too. Looper gives us average and awful. He is a classic number 5 starter, except that he is our number 3 right now, which sucks. He did randomly have 3 hits last night, which for a pitcher is like going 8 for 8.

Seth McClung tried really, really hard to lose the game last night, but failed even at that. He continues to unimpress me.

All Star (Non)Game Highlights

The game was fine. Close, nice catch by Crawford, blah, blah.

But two non-game items stuck out to me as being awesome.

1) During the President's in-booth interview, Joe Buck made a crack about how the NL has not won the last 12 all star games, and how "There's no stimulus plan for them" or something. Obama's response "We're out of money." THAT is fucking hilarious, because that is the exact same thing that Joe Blow off the street would have said. Also the fist pump after he didn't bounce the first pitch (almost did) was funny too. By the way, Fox News burned to the ground after that comment, and I'm pretty sure they started a 24 hour channel devoted specifically to those four words.

2) THIS.


This is the best fast food commercial ever made. And it isn't close. Congrats to Taco Bell. I only saw it once, but some day, I'm going to do a full length expose on the lyrics. Genius.

Prince Can Hit the Ball Far

Is it strange to feel proud that Prince Fielder won the home run derby? Should I be as happy as I am being a Brewer fan? To be genuinely excited that he and Braun appear to like eachother as Braun was the first one to home plate (beating a bunch of shit head little kids) to do their little fake boxing match celebration? Does this mean that Prince would tell Scott Boras to get bent and take a small discount to stay in Milwaukee after his contract is up? A lot of unanswered questions that were spawned by a three hour long batting practice. Lets just hope Prince doesn't go Bobby Abreu a few years back and hit like 2 HRs after the break.

I'll probably watch most of the All-Star game tonight. Only because there isn't shit else to do, and summer TV is painful.

Nelson Cruz looked genuinely unhappy that Prince beat him. I heard last night that he is 29. Is that fucking true? Then I'm much less impressed with how far he can hit.

Brew Crew Hangover

A few random thoughts from last night's tenth inning sexual assault:

- Does anyone REALLY think Mat Gamel is any worse at third than Billy Hall? Even if he may fuck up a routine play here or there (which he really hasn't done), is it worth the clear dropoff offensively? I think that any thoughts Macha may have had about whether he could hit a lefty changed last night with that bomb in the 8th. McGehee probably is still the starter until proven otherwise right now though.

-Jody Gerut is fucking useless. He really is a waste of space. He has established himself as Bill Hall's outfield twin. We now have to guys who can't hit at all on our everyday bench. We don't have some random utility guy in AAA that can hit .200? Hernan Irribarren wouldn't improve the club? I understand not bringing up Escobar right now, because there isn't room to play him, and he should play every day.

- The only thing that would've made last night's meltdown better is if either Matty Wise, Eric Gagne or Derrick Turnbow had come out of the bullpen after Villa refused to get anyone out, and they gave up like 5 more runs. Oh, and if 2008 Rickie Weeks booted one. We did get a Billy Hall boot at least.

- Can we safely say that Villa isn't good? He now has a 6.41 ERA and a 1.49 WHIP. How can he be relied on in key spots? I know there wasn't much choice last night. He really should be about the last one trotted out there until he goes on a long stretch of not sucking. We've got some really decent arms in the bully right now, that probably aren't given enough respect by Macha (DiFelice, Stetter, Smith). Personally, I think Stetter should be a set up guy, and not just a lefty specialist. Coffey/Stetter in the 8th, DiFelice 7th, Smith 6th, Villa/McClung/Burns when we are down/up by 7 runs.

-The highlights of the game for me last night were: 1) Brian Anderson and Bill Schroeder making fun of Telly Hughes for being fat; 2) Macha refusing to even look at Villa when he came to take him out. He might have murdered him last night.

-We are closer to 5th place than 1st place in the division right now.

-How the fuck did the mildly terrible Jonathan Sanchez throw a no-no? He is almost the exact same pitcher as Manny Parra (young, Hispanic, lefty, great stuff, taken out of the rotation for sucking). Maybe that is a good sign?

Shameless Tebow-isms

I've decided that I'm starting a new feature called: Shameless Tebow-isms. Whenever I accidentally run across one, I will post it here, and then we can collectively roll our eyes, and help whomever said it wipe the mess from their face.

From ESPN.com:

"How can the fiercest competitor in college football have the most compassion? Mr. Tebow is far from ordinary."-- Ivan Maisel

"Year After and the sense of entitlement that pervades the locker room like a staph infection. Gators, have no fear. Dr. Tebow will see you now."-- Ivan Maisel

"Great players can be found at the intersection of Talent and Passion. But that is an incomplete address for the Florida quarterback."-- Ivan Maisel

"Through his family's evangelism, Tebow has seen the Third World. Through his own outreach, he speaks at prisons in Central Florida. He visits local hospitals." -- Ivan Maisel

"Tebow has all the traits football prizes: toughness, competitiveness, desire. None of them is first on his list."--Ivan Maisel

""I don't really think about normal," Tebow said. "I think normal is something I never wanted to be." There was never any danger of that. No danger at all."-- Ivan Maisel

Fuckin' A

WANTED

For kidnapping! Someone has stolen Manny Parra! Either that, or he switched uniforms with the entire bullpen while we weren't looking, and Mitch Stetter was actually the one that pitched 7 shutout innings, while Parra burned down Miller Park with 5 runs in 2 innings. Those are really the only two logical explanations for yesterdays game. Also fun from the game yesterday was the line on ESPN BottomLine this morning: Fielder 2-3, 2B, R....Rest of team 1-25. Yikes. Are we SURE that starting pitching is the problem here? Or is it just a maddening lack of consistency by everyone?

You certainly can't give a break to the lineup. Hardy, Hart and Kendall have been borderline fucking terrible all year. Only Fielder, Braun and McGehee (and maybe Weeks for a month) have arguably exceeded expectations. I would say Counsell and Cameron are what they are for the most part. Hall has been a waste of oxygen. Gamel gets an incomplete.

Of the starting pitching I would say Yo has met or slightly exceeded most expectations, Bush has probably slightly exceeded (other than a few bad starts), Looper and Suppan are what they are, Parra has sucked.

I would say that this is the same thing that most MLB teams face. You have a bunch of guys who weren't very good to start with, continuing to not be very good, you have a few stars, and a few guys that bomb out or get injured. I'm starting to feel like unless there is a fire sale somewhere, you stand pat if you are the Crew. Although, I wouldn't hesitate to get rid of Hall, Hardy, Hart or Kendall if you were getting something good in return that would improve your team right now.

Young FIBs are the Same as Old Ones

Check out this kid. He is already a terrible human being, and in about 12 years, he will be going to games at Miller Park, getting black out drunk, and fighting with other FIBs about who is the bigger douche.

Is Skip Shumaker Serious?

Bear already had a nice synopsis of the game last night, so I don't have anything to add other than Skip Shumaker's mustache. There is no way that didn't either lose a bet, or knows that it looks ridiculous and is doing it to get attention (ala A-Rodg a few years back). To top it off, he has a shaved head. I couldn't find a picture of it, so I put this other sweet baseball stache up. If I found out tomorrow that Skip Shumaker and Jason Motte (last seen twitching and screaming at himself while burning down Miller Park last night) were linked to some weird neo-Nazi snuff porn ring, I wouldn't be surprised.

And Tony LaRussa thinks it pisses him off when the Brewers untuck their shirts....Wait till he finds that out....

Chris Duncan is the most awkward professional baseball player ever...

Seriously, it's like watching me play baseball, this guy has zero coordination. Also Yadier Molina looks like he's just a fucking asshole. There's just something about him, who knows, he might be the nicest guy in the world, but he just gives me that premonition. Here he is laughing at a baby falling down a flight of stairs.

But enough trash talking, the Crew narrowly avoided a 3rd bases loaded, inning ending strikeout tonight when my boy Prince hustled his huge ass down the line and get an infield hit for the game winning RBI. Hoffman pitched the bases loaded and then Gamel damn near gave me a heart attack when Molina sliced that ball down third, but Mat fielded it perfectly and strolled over to third for the win. We needed this one big time, if we can get a W tomorrow we'll be back to tied for the NL Central lead.

I have complete and utter confidence that Manny Parra has figured it out from his 4 starts down in Nashville.

Oh yea, almost forgot, Shaq is obsessed with your mom comebacks. He's truly a man after my own heart.

I Am Uninspired

Man. The Crew looked like they had all been out on a bender on their day off, and came to the park unshowered and unshaven to go to work. They hardly looked like they were trying once Yo gave up the bomb in the 1st. For the record, I think I agree with Braun that if something isn't done, I would be fairly shocked to see us in the playoffs. Not that I'm calling the season over prior to the All-Star break, but this is starting to be a trend. And we can't afford to be getting smoked by the Cards and the Cubs. We are in need of one of those patented and random hot streaks, where our number 7 and 8 starters (we have Yo, 2 number 5s (Bush and Looper), a 7 (Soup) and an 8 (whomever else is in the rotation)) get hot an go unhittable for about a month, while our hitting is one fire too, and we go 20-10 or something. They are just shaky as fuck right now, and with fragile nature of the clubhouse psyche, it could come tumbling down any day now.

Tennis Anyone?

I am actually mildly interested in watching Roger Federer v. Andy Roddick this morning. So interested that I've already watched like 5 minutes of it, and now I am sitting on my patio and I can almost hear it in the background. Eventually I might even go inside and watch the ending. I know Roddick was somehow up 1 set to nothing. I'm led to believe this would be a gigantic upset. I truthfully haven't watched any Wimbledon since I was in high school and it would be on during the day in the summer, and gave me something to do when I wasn't playing Tecmo Bowl. Tennis is actually not that bad. At least I can understand what is happening.

Brewers crushed yesterday because I didn't watch. When I watch today, they will lose.

I got sucked into "Crimson Tide" last night. What a great fucking movie.

Oh, and a NFL QB from Mississippi was found shot to death. And it wasn't who I had hoped. I'm not even going to begin to list how many things were wrong with that statement. Thoughts to the family.

Bill Welke Was Late For His Eye Exam

First of all, I was unaware that bears had the opposable thumbs necessary to operate a remote control. I assumed you just ambled around town, eating random hobos, stumbling into bars where you were fed beer out of sheer terror.

That was Bucks-Sixers 2001 level officiating by Bill Welke in the 10th innning yesterday. That pitch that was called ball four was right down the fucking middle. I wish I could get a screen grab of the GameDay Pitch by Pitch from MLB.com. Because it would show a green circle right in the middle of the strike zone. It is insane to end a major league baseball game on a call like that. It is pretty hard for a baseball umpire to decide a game, but I think he did on this one. Mr. Welke quickly retired to his home in suburban Chicago, while the 30 some odd thousand in attendance went home happy that they were able to witness such a sterling performance by a game official. Because that is what they paid for. Did I mention that I hate the motherfucking Cubs?

I won't see today's inevitable loss. I'm going to my grandparent's cottage for the day to cheat on my diet (6 pounds left) and drink just enough that I am safe to drive home at night.

In other news, I inadvertently started a major coup in my other fantasy baseball league with the old dudes (currently in 6th place out of 12 despite three guys having made nearly TWO HUNDRED roster moves and me making like 30). I openly bitched about paying for the "PLUS" league, and how it was fucking useless. And how live scoring in baseball is stupid. I immediately got 5 responses bitching at me, and 5 agreeing vehemently. Live scoring in baseball is a fucking waste, in the same way that it is spectacular in football (and now free!). I'm pretty sure I disbanded that long running league yesterday. Which is awesome.

I am going to go put on my Uncle Sam hat and jack off into the flag. Happy 4th!!

In Other News

In a failed attempt to bring relevance to the WNBA, Diana Taurasi was arrested for a DUI yesterday. I can only imagine her thought process as she pounded her 4th hard lemonade, threw the bottle across the parking lot and jumped into her car. Probably something along the lines of, this'll show that boys club that female athletes can be just as retarded. Of course I have no idea what WNBA salaries are, she just may not have been able to afford the cab ride, then all is forgiven.

So I've moved again, still in the same city, the biggest exciting new change? Satellite bitches! I now get FSWisconsin, which means Brewers games, in my home, on my TV. The first game I got to see from the comfort of my couch? The Derrek Lee beatdown last night. The Ginger was just serving up meaty fastballs over the plate and when Chris Smith was pitching to Lee, you could tell Lee wasn't going to swing at anything that wasn't a home run. Smith had two pitches that inning, ball or fastball down the middle. Good job guys

Bees?

Jesus Christ. My worst nightmare. Unless a game gets cancelled due to spiders.

Finally saw "The Hangover" last night. It was one of the few movies I've seen recently that was worth every penny. I was in tears when the dude was carrying that baby around with the sunglasses on.

Man, I hate the fucking Cubs.