Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Saga Continues?

The following are a list of reasons why He Who Shall Not Be Named decided to stay retired:

1) Couldn't go through 16 games due to his shoulder.

2) Hated practice and training camp.

3) Was allergic to taintsucking Viqueen fans.

4) Was afraid of dudes that look like Mr. McGoo.

5) Was afraid of being raped by Jared Allen.

6) Was afraid that with all the restaurant choices that existed in the Twin Cities area (see Ryan Longwell), he would get lost and end up back on the Vicodin.

7) Was afraid of albinos. (see Darrell Bevell).

8) Didn't want to tarnish his Packer legacy.

9) Had a torrid three way with McCarthy and Thompson that resolved all of their differences.

10) Wanted to cash in on that marketing deal with the Pack.

11) Was secretly trying to undermine the Viqueens all along at the direction of the evil Ted Thompson as payback for the tampering last season.

12) Missed his family.

13) Loved his tractors. Alot. Like in a not normal way.

Reasons why he will come back in three weeks:

1) Got jealous of another quarterback, any quarterback, throwing a TD pass. I mean like he is driving by a Pop Warner field.

2) Tired of not leading SportsCenter every day.

3) Misses Rachel Nichols living in his rose bushes.

4) Gets tired of cutting the grass every motherfucking day.

5) Deanna wants ANOTHER $10,000 handbag.

6) Deanna wants a $50,000 watch.

7) Deanna wants a $200,000 ring

8) Deanna wants a $150,000 car

9) Deanna wants a $1.2 million dollar yacht

10) Deanna wants a new beach house

11) The kids need shoes

12) Just a good 'ol boy who likes to compete.

13) Bus Cook needs money.

14) Scott Favre needs money.

15) Bonita Favre needs money.

16) Didn't mean he was going to stay retired FOREVER. Never actually said that. Just meant yesterday he was staying retired. Boy, the media sure likes to infer things!

I've thought about this whole sordid tale. If he really did stay retired, I would be allowed to say his name sometime around next year's Super Bowl, about February 1, 2011. His number could be retired in 2014, no earlier. Assuming he doesn't come back. Now I will mention him only when he either inevitably decides to come back, or when discussing how fucking stupid, gullible and sad Viqueen fans are.

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