China is Super-Wonderful!

The Olympics in China is starting up in a few days.  Alot of what goes on at the Olympics isn't terribly interesting, and alot of the stuff I don't understand, but it is at least something better than Law & Order re-runs to throw on TV for a few weeks.  Plus, with the time difference, it can be on 24 hours a day, which is weird too.  Anyways, I figured I should do a bit of a preview now that I can get back to living my life now that Favre is gone.  Here is a list of things that make me exciting about the Olympics in Beijing:

 

1. Smog:  I look forward to seeing people walk around in surgical masks between (during?) events.  I am especially looking forward to seeing a marathon runner die of lung cancer, or puke up soot at the end of the race.

 

2. Government Propaganda:  There is nothing funnier in this world than seeing a communist (or other non-democratic) government issue ridiculous propaganda about how great everything is there despite all of the poverty, human rights violations, sanitary issues and death that surround everyday life in the country.  I also enjoy the anti-American sentiment and blatant racism.  I still can't believe the IOC was able to overlook all of this in order for the corporate sponsors to make some money.  Speaking of which.....

 

3. Blatant Commercialism:  I can't wait to see the advertisements on the bottom of sprinter's shoes, and superimposed on every apparatus in every event.

 

4. Random Superstars:  There is always one or two people from the US that unexpectedly win a gold medal, and become overnight superstars for about 5 minutes.

 

5.  Burnouts:  I rather like it when gymnasts are forced to ruin their bodies to perfect their craft for the first 18  years of their lives, only to be cast aside like garbage, and having to deal with the probability that they can no longer bear children.  Unless you are Mary Lou Retton, there isn't much of a market for your skills later in life.

 

6.  Roids:  If you don't think the Chinese are shooting beef roids right now to win all of the medals you are crazy.

 

7.  Architecture:  It looks like the Chinese built some pretty insane shit.  I'm sure these stadiums will all serve them well for centuries to come.  Much better than houses, hospitals or schools.  I bet the citizens that were displaced and/or shot are happy to do their part for Mother China.

 

8.  Food:  Looking forward to the stories of the American tourists and athletes and how they ate deer penis either purposely or accidentally.

 

9.  Government Restriction on Speech:  If you didn't know, the Chinese don't exactly believe in the 1st amendment.  In fact, media outlets are already reporting problems regarding access at the games.  I can't wait until Bob Costas is in the middle of a live update and a solider comes onto the set, shoves a rifle in his face and screams at him in Chinese to get the fuck out of here.  I also fully expect the government to beat the living shit out of some hippies at some point.