Scorpio Babers Reprise

I know nothing about Scorpio, but here is what I imagine his biography looks like:

 

Scorpio was born May 11, 1986 in Blair, NE to an Amish farming family.  He was left on the door step of a Catholic seminary shortly after birth when it became obvious that his mother had an affair with a postal worker.  She was excommunicated and shunned.  Scorpio was raised by the seminarians, and plans to become a man of the cloth when his playing days are over.  Scorpio was the star QB of his 8 man football team at his small Nebraska high school, setting nearly every conceivable record.  He was awarded a scholarship to Nebraska-Kearney where he starred as a defensive back.  There he majored in calculus with a minor in religious studies.  He is a virgin and has never tasted alcohol.  He first realized that he wasn't the only black person on planet earth when he attended mini camp with the Packers in April.  He plans to name his first born either Sagittarius, Leo or Cancer.