Proof that Florio is a hack

As much as I would have loved to see CM3 win DPOY, alas it was not to be as Troy Polamalu secured the award minutes ago. I'm fine with this, the Pro Bowl spurn sent Rodgers and Tramon on a tear, time for Matthews to get pissed off and go ape shit on Big Ben, who, for the record, is a known rapist. I just think it's funny that PFT sucks so much ass now they have to post articles like this before the award is even announced.



Congratulations Mike Florio, you're awful at your job.

Super Bowl Week: Monday

I'm not going to lie. I doubt I will post every day this week. But here is what I have thought about today:

-The NFL Network, starting today, is running ONE HUNDRED HOURS of LIVE coverage this week. I will probably watch a lot of it. Why not?

-People in Green Bay are now bitching that the Packers don't want to do their potential parade downtown because a) I guess the one in 1997 was a shitstorm and b) the downtown kinda sucks. So they are having one on the route from the airport to Lambeau, which is not any different in my mind. But someone has to complain about something, so some bitch called in the radio station and said they should just "change the name to the Ashwaubenon Packers, because the Packers don't care about the city of Green Bay." OK, first, Ashwaubenon basically fucking is Green Bay, so shut up. It isn't like they are having the parade in OshVegas or Milwaukee or something. If you didn't live here you would have no idea if you were in Green Bay or not, much like when you are in the Metrodome, you don't know if you are in Minneapolis, or hell. Second, did this person really say "they don't care about the city of Green Bay???" Why? Because the Packers single handedly bring in $18 million dollars to the entire county every single time they play a game? Because Green Bay as the world knows it EXISTS almost entirely because of the Packers? This bitch loves her some He Who Shall Not Be Named. I know it.

-Some homeless couple won a free trip to the Super Bowl. First, if they are Packer fans, good on them. I'm jealous, but I'm not going to hate. Second, you are a fucking dumbass if you are homeless and don't sell these. I don't know your whole story, but seriously, if I was homeless for more than a day and someone handed me $10,000 (I've heard these tickets are the kind that are more like $25,000), you better fucking believe I'm selling them immediately. If they end up going, they are not real homeless people. I'm just saying. Third, I would like to know HOW they won. Especially since this thing was based on social media (Facebook and Twitter) and was a scavenger hunt of sorts. My semi-limited experience with homeless people would lead me to believe that laptops are scarce among the homeless community. I'm just saying.

-If you root for the Steelers, you also rooted for the Nazis. Fact.

Not Much of a Day

I have come to the conclusion that two things should be illegal:

1) There should never be a Sunday without an NFL game (the Pro Bowl does not count). The owners want to play 18 games? Screw that. I say play 52! Seriously, I'm probably going to take a three hour nap and maybe play some vids. Productive day!

2) Green Bay Packer players should not be allowed to open Twitter accounts if they are incapable of not saying something stupid while your team is going to the Super Bowl. And this means you Nick Barnett and Jermichael Finley. I didn't necessarily disagree with them, and Rodgers probably shouldn't have called them out. But Twitter started it. So shut the fuck up. Twitter should only be allowed when you are going to say awesome things like YOTTO and Dallastexassuperbowl and Super Bowl or Die.

Fake Pleasantries, Brewer Tickets and My Unbiased Biased Prediction(s)

I was assured, several times, by employees and returning guests alike, that "no worries mon", the Packer game will definitely be available at your resort in Jamaica. This provided me some comfort during a treacherous drive to Sandals Whitehouse along the southern coast of Jamaica a little over a week ago. As we winded through a narrow road for almost two horrifying hours, I was able to observe a little of native Jamaican life. It appears 3rd world, but for a 3rd world country sure were a lot of fat people sitting in front of their tiny shacks/huts. I'm not sure what that means. It's definitely 3rd world, but not, like, West Darfur 3rd world.

We arrived, me checking my watch every 15 seconds and asking where I could catch the Packer game that was starting very shortly. They'll be showing it in the games room, I was assured. Ok, well, hurry the fuck up and check us in. We got upgraded to a two room suite, sweet. Fully stocked mini bar, huge bed, amazing view of the sunset and ocean. I find out we have cable TV and am actually able to catch the Steelers/Ravens game. Soon after, I whip a Red Stripe out of the fridge and settle in for the Packer game.

Well, things didn't work out like I had planned. The FOX station that was available was apparently FOX from Slovenia or something. It's barely visible, no one speaks English and they definitely don't have the Packer/Falcon game on. So we quickly leave the room to find this "game room." We find it. No Packer game but we're told by some random dude that another random dude is Skype-ing the game in the main lobby. Bullshit. The main lobby is empty.

So, I'll cut out the part about me swearing and making racially unacceptable comments and tip my hat to Sandals. I had no way to follow the game unless I had internet access. I needed to follow the game. Internet access costs money. So I paid and watched updates on Yahoo. That is a true NFL experience right there.

Other than that, we had a great week. This resort was fantastic. Red Stripe isn't very good and doesn't get any better when you drink it non stop for a week, but it properly played it's roll. I avoided all the drinks that sound like kinky sex positions (i.e. dirty banana). Only one hangover was had. My pale Irish skin heroically took on the sun and the sun beat my ass. I also found out that every American loves when the natives say "mon." We all laugh and giggle like little children. After observing this for a couple days I investigated and found out the employees are told to kick the shit out of the word. I had/heard several conversations where an employee responded with "ya mon" or "no problem mon" when it made no sense. For example, I walked by two lifeguards (they all speak English) and said, "How you guys doing?" To which one responded "Ya mon." I felt like exploring this a little deeper with those two but felt it was probably useless. But we did blatantly ask one employee if they're told to say it much more than they normally would, or if they actually say it at all during their regular lives, but he would only smile and not answer us. Anyways, it's awesome when they say it, and I laugh and giggle every time.

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Anyone interested in getting in on a Brewer 20 pack of tickets? You are able to pick which games you want to go to. The Brewer ticket guy is pestering us like crazy because Mrs Sports Bottle bought a 9 pack last year and it appears to be completely unacceptable for her not to buy another ticket package this year. A possible stalking charge might be in this guy's future.

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As all our (2) loyal readers know, I have been heavily involved in sports betting for a little over a year now. By heavily, I mean the one or two dollars a day I spend. I'll let everyone know I'm up over $650 due to the $900 I won with that 12 team baseball parlay last summer.

I've become pretty damn good at guessing the spreads of NFL games. I'm almost always within a half point of guessing the spread and I at least know who the favorite will be. I was wrong about the Super Bowl. I guessed the Steelers would be favored by 2.5. Well, the Packers are favored by 2.5. I figured that would quickly make it's way towards a pick 'em game. But again I was wrong. As I sit here, Bodog has the Packers by 3. If I were a betting man I would take the Steelers. But I'm not, so I'll bet on the Packers. I actually have two predictions because I can't imagine a more evenly matched game. I feel either the Steelers will win convincingly or the Packers will win a close one. So I'll say 31-17 Steelers or 27-24 Packers. Over/under is 45, so I'll obviously take the over.

I hate being the favorites. The Steelers are now have just a little more incentive to win.

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Packer/Bears was an interesting experience. We actually flew into O'Hare as the game was starting. I was able to program my DVR from Jamaica to record the game. I told Mrs Bottle that we needed to avoid all TVs at the airport. We walked off the plane and kept tunnel vision all the way to baggage claim, only to find out they have a huge flat screen TV 6 inches from the baggage carousel with about 50 people watching (most wearing Bears jerseys). So I said fuck it and watched a large chunk of the 1st half while waiting for our bags. It was rather intimidating. There were several large black men watching the game. I spotted a Neal Anderson jersey. Not that I have anything against big black dudes, and I'm sure they're all sweethearts, but I'm definitely a white dude who would not be considered big. Needless to say, I acted completely uninterested when the Pack did something positive. People have been murdered for less. I missed the first TD, then watched a bunch of the game, and then missed the second TD, but accidentally heard about it on the radio in the shuttle to pick up our car. Once we got home, we watched the entire second half, minus all the commercials, which is fucking awesome.

A couple observations -

It has always been my opinion that a team should never, NEVER, rush only 3 guys. But that's what Dom Capers decides to do against a 3rd string QB???? The Bears got lucky early on with their playcalling when we blitzed and the random QB made a couple good passes. But then we tuck our tails between our legs and decide to rush only 3? This did not work. I could understand if it was effective, but it wasn't.

Urlacher is a punk. He whined like a fucking bitch after Peppers' personal foul call resulting from embedding his helmet in Rodgers' face. That call was a no-brainer. Then there was the pass interference call immediately following that play. Both calls were obvious but Urlacher had to be pulled away from the ref. Your team finally had the golden horseshoe pulled out of their ass. Fucking deal with it.

I can't imagine how pissed I would be if I were a Bears fan after that play call on 3rd and 2 with 50 seconds left. A sweep??? That was beautiful.

What was Nick Collins doing on that TD pass? He appeared to be going for the INT but even if Bennett doesn't catch the ball and Collins does, he's gonna be 6 feet out of bounds. Then Woodson completely gives up thinking Collins is gonna make the tackle. I have hated every safety we've had since LeRoy Butler left. They are all completely overrated (Darren Sharper). Our safeties have to lead the league in open field tackle situations where they don't lay a hand on the ballcarrier.

The Aftermath: Local Edition

I want to start off by saying that it is Tuesday evening and I haven't stopped smiling yet. I think if someone told me that they would give me 100,000:1 odds on the Packers making the Super Bowl if I gave them $100, knowing before I bet that the following was going to happen: early season-ending injuries by Ryan Grant, Jermichael Finley and Nick Barnett, season enders by 13 others, back-to back losses to the Redskins and Dolphins, a loss to Detroit, an injury to Aaron Rodgers and three straight road playoff games; I would have told that person to keep their money. Yet here we are. At some point after Ray Rhodes and Mike Sherman nearly drove a championship team into the ground, I doubted if the Pack would ever get back. But we are headed to Dallas.

Here are the top five things that stood out to me about Sunday, in chronological order:

1) Watching the game in the comfort controlled climate of my house. Good every time.

2) Cutler's fake injury

3) Raji's pick-six and subsequent dance.

4) Woodson's postgame speech. "One. Two. Three. WHITE HOUSE!". Gives me goosebumps.


5) The bonfire in the middle of the street next to my house. Yup, that happened. People in Wisconsin were standing outside in sub-zero temperatures around a bonfire set in the middle of a public street in a residential neighborhood. And there was DJ equipment set up, and a Packer music playlist going at relatively high volumes, including all of your favorites: "Go You Packers, Go, Go", "The Bears Still Suck", "I'm a Cheesehead Baby", "We Go Green Bay", "Where the Hell is Neenah", "G-Force", "I Love My Green Bay Packers" and newbies: "CM3" and "Fly Like A Cheesehead". Finally, one neighbor is a Steeler fan, so a large corn stalk apparently left over from Halloween decorations was burned in effigy in his front yard. No arrests, injuries or burned down houses were reported.

Aside from game analysis, which, like the last game will make me want to kill myself by the time the game actually rolls around, there are a few key questions to answer:

1) What will be the random, token trinket that takes off and makes someone a millionaire in Wisconsin? In '97 and '98 it was whoever invented the "Packer flag". I've heard they have similar things that are popular in L.A. for the Lakers. These things were ridiculous and obnoxious, and people flew those things for YEARS afterwards. And somewhere in the neighborhood of 98% of cars had them during the last two year Super Bowl run.


2) What am I doing for the game? Do I fly solo (other than my wife) for the game? Do I attempt to put together a select group of individuals that I can stand to watch the game with? Do I do a standard "Super Bowl Party" that I'm guessing I will get invited to? Do I do the unthinkable and go down to a bar in Green Bay and pour out into the streets with the locals after a win? Do I suck 12 dicks at once to raise enough cash to go to Dallas? Time will tell.

The Aftermath

This post comes from a little different perspective than my normal work, but the fact that the Packers are going to be playing in the Super Bowl in less than two weeks combined with the fact that I may be a dad by the time the game kicks off is still sinking in. By the way, it feels really fucking nice to be able to write "the Packers are going to be playing in the Super Bowl," and the baby finally on the cusp of being born is beyond exciting. Big two weeks coming up here in the Gonzalez household.

I've never been more nervous for a sporting event in my entire life than I was yesterday. I was a wreck in January 2008, but I had been gambling in Vegas all night the night before and immediately started drinking the next morning.

Flash forward 3 years and I was coming off the mother of all hangovers after an impromptu midweek trip to Palm Desert for the Bob Hope celebrity golf tournament, some gambling with Sugar Ray Leonard, hibachi dinner with some random people from Boston, and way too much drinking. This excessive midweek fun caused me to still have the "binge jitters" less than 48 hours after consuming the last of 48-50 drinks in 36 hours. Ouch.

I digress. Not many words need to be devoted to the game itself. It was ugly as expected, but in 20 years we will be talking about Aaron Rodgers dominance of the entire month, not a tough game in which he had a low qb rating (his opponent in 2 weeks' rating was much worse). Furthermore, even though I told myself I was going to remain sober throughout the game I found myself drinking my first beer 1.5 hours before kickoff and didn't have my last until the game was over.

I still wish the Packers could pick up a 3rd and 1 without some clusterfuck taking place at the line, and I still wish McCarthy would run the entire playbook when the Packers have more than a one score lead. All things considered, we got some horrific breaks (ball off Driver's toe), but still managed to gut out a tough win on the heels of Masthay, Raji, Shields, and Rodgers. Nobody thought it would be easy.

On a positive note, at least the team we are playing next doesn't have any recent Super Bowl experience. Ouch. Seriously though, column on Roethlisberger is forthcoming, but I do think the Packers can and will beat him.
Paul, (one of my best friends from college whose part-time job is creeping out every 21-40 year old girl in Denver) is also an obsessed Steeler fan and even he thinks this is a tough matchup for Ben. He said this sober, which should give us all some serious confidence.

Finally, Packer fans really are the best in the country. You meet such interesting people through this football team. Angie and I were at a Los Angeles area Packer bar I've been hitting for the playoffs, and yesterday there were about 150 people there straight from Wisconsin. It felt like we were back home. This is reason number 1000 why I need to move back as soon as possible.

The best story of the day came right after the Packers were presented with the Halas trophy. A guy I had been talking with before the game came up to me and gave me a huge hug. He said he could tell that I was a true fan based on my passion during the game and my knowledge of the team and its history (not to mention we had been looking at pictures of the 20-odd games I've been to in the past 8 years on my phone). After the jubilation died down, I saw this man's 21 or so year old son balling in the corner. I went up to the son, put my arm around him, and said "it's ok, we won!!!" (or something to that effect).

The dad came back up to me and told me his son was crying because he didn't think he'd ever get to watch a game with his dad again. This guy proceeded to tell me that he had watched pretty much every game with his son since he was born, but had to tell him during the 2007 playoffs that he had been diagnosed with lymphoma. He next told me that after the drama that happened in 2008 his son told him that he didn't think he'd ever get to watch a Super Bowl with his dad again, much less with the Packers in it. Well, he gets to watch a Super Bowl with his dad, and Angie and I might get to watch the first one possible with our son.

GO PACK GO

I'll be back with a more typical post later in the week just to prove to my readers that I haven't gone soft.

Either The Best or Worst Day Ever

I woke up extra early this morning because I couldn't sleep. I felt like a little kid on Christmas. Either I am going to get the best present a kid could ask for, a Packers Super Bowl trip, or Santa is going to come down the chimney and burn to death in my fireplace.

3 hours and 25 minutes until kickoff. My stress is off the charts. Thank (Sports Bottle's) god there is the Wisconsin v. Northwestern (Badgers by 6). basketball game on in about an hour to keep my mind mildly occupied. I can't watch any more previews.

GO PACK GO!

Packers-Bears From My Perspective

Sports Guy had a chat yesterday on ESPN.com and there were many questions surrounding the Packers-Bears rivalry. For the first time in I don't know how long, I had to quit reading something Bill Simmons wrote. He basically dismissed the Packer-Bear rivalry, saying it wasn't a rivalry because they haven't been good at the same time on a lot of occasions.

He, and anyone that doesn't live in Wisconsin or Illinois just doesn't understand how much this game means. Teams being good doesn't make something a "rivalry". Having games on ESPN six times a year doesn't make something a rivalry. History, familiarity, locale and hatred make a rivalry.

Would a non-rivalry game produce what is reported to be the "toughest ticket in Chicago sports history"? Would a non-rivalry produce some of the classic You Tube videos I've just shown? Would a non-rivalry make me physically ill about an upcoming game? Can a matchup that pits two franchises against each other more than any other two teams in NFL history, and two teams with the most championships and hall of famers not be called a rivalry? The answer to all of these is NO.

The four games on the schedule every year that matter most to Packer fans are the two where we play the Vikings and the Bears. Admittedly the Viking rivalry was taken to a new level in the past 20 years, but that doesn't mean the Bears rivalry went away. And I would argue that today, the roles have been reversed pretty significantly. Someone that hasn't had an entire life of dealing with FIBS and living in NFL North country cannot understand. Just like I don't consider any other rivalry above Packers-Bears, even though there may be bigger ones. So I would kindly ask Bill Simmons to concentrate on what he knows: Boston sports, the NBA and pop culture references, and keep the Packers and Bears out of his mouth. Because he just doesn't understand.

Packers-Bears YouTube Fun

Fools, Damn Fools, Rednecks and Predictions

I was going to take the day off today, but two things made me incredibly angry. One wasn't surprising, but it annoyed me and may make me change my political leaning. One is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Also, I'm tired of analysis. I need it to be Sunday.

First, President Obama has decided that he hates Wisconsin enough that he doesn't need their votes in 2012. With the political climate like it is right now, I'm surprised that the President would say anything to upset anyone. He already has approximately 60% of Wisconsinites that hate him, and by vocally rooting for the Bears to beat the Packers, he just alienated the other 40%, including me. On one hand I applaud him for sticking with his roots and cheering on his team. On the other hand, fuck the Bears and anyone that roots for them. Palin in 2012!

Second, there is this. From Jim Souhan of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. I don't even know where to begin. I think I'm going to break this down Fire Joe Morgan-style. And I'm going to do it with little to no research other than my personal knowledge and a trip to Pro Football Reference (which I've heard is widely available on most internets), which HAS to be more than Mr. Souhan has, because there is no way he really believes what he wrote. (Actual text of article in italics. My responses in bold)

"If he wins his next two games, Packers coach Mike McCarthy will get to hold the Lombardi Trophy, that symbol of NFL excellence and homage to the presumed greatest coach of all time."

I would take out "presumed". They named the trophy after him.

"Which is funny, because if I had to win an NFL playoff game today, I'd rather have McCarthy on the sideline than ol' St. Vince."

I am going to guess you are going to explain why, and I'm also going to guess that you have never seen a Packer game in either era.

McCarthy will need to win about five Super Bowls before most Packers fans will elevate him to Lombardi's exalted status. I say he's already a better coach than Vinny, and any Packers fan who doesn't agree should get with the century and embrace modern developments. Such as electricity, and the forward pass.

Well, Lombardi won 5 championships in 7 years between 1961 and 1967, so I would go out on a limb and agree that McCarthy will need to win "about" 5 Super Bowls before I put McCarthy on the same level as Lombardi. Also, just because I don't have electricity doesn't mean I should agree with you.

Lombardi dominated 14- and 16-team leagues. To win his first four NFL titles, he had to win either one or two postseason games. Today, becoming the best of 16 teams and winning one or two postseason games would get you to the conference title game, a level reached by such legends as Jim Mora, Denny Green, Brad Childress and Steve Mariucci.

I guess McCarthy is better because there are more teams now. I suppose you could ignore the fact that they also played less games, and if you lost more than once, you didn't make the playoffs. I suppose you could ignore that a lower percentage of teams made the playoffs at all in the 1960's (4/16 vs. 12/32). Or that every team was more relatively stacked because there was less dilution of talent. Also, here are the coaches that are also apparently Lombardi-esque because they won at least two playoff games and got to the Super Bowl since the league had at least 31 teams: Brain Billick (2000), Mike Martz (2001), Jon Gruden (2002), Bill Callahan!!(2002), John Fox (2003), Lovie Smith (2006), Ken Wisenhunt (2008), Jim Caldwell (2009). So based on your argument so far, all of these coaches are better than Lombardi.

Lombardi took advantage of a league that viewed the forward pass as an occasionally necessary evil. The Packers who won the 1961 NFL title ranked ninth in the 14-team league with 168 passing yards per game.
If a McCarthy-coached team ever averaged 168 yards passing, he'd be Macalester's offensive coordinator the following year.
In today's NFL, the quarterback is the fulcrum of an elaborate and intricate mechanism featuring dozens of formations and hundreds of plays. In Lombardi's NFL, the quarterback was a UPS man, required to deliver a leather object from the center to the halfback.

So Lombardi was supposed to think ahead 50 years and run the spread offense. I suppose being 1st in the league in scoring in 1961 (and 1962) is meaningless. Clearly scoring 27.9 pts per game wasn't enough because passing is more fun to watch than gaining 8 yards on a sweep or something. For the record, McCarthy, clearly a superior coach and offensive mind, has led his team to 24.2 pts per game this year, 10th in the league. I bet if McCarthy averaged 168 yds passing per game, but his team led the league in scoring, he would not be Macalester's (whatever that is) Offensive Coodinator.

Lombardi dominated the NFL by demanding toughness from his players. That was easy when concussions were referred to as "seeing stars.''
In McCarthy's NFL, one more blow to Aaron Rodgers' head could end the season, and if he asked Rodgers to "gut it out,'' McCarthy would be subjected to public ridicule, if not legal action.
The NFL was so primitive during Lombardi's rise that he gained a marked advantage over the rest of the league by -- I'm not making this up -- making his players work out.
The level of physical fitness required by the average backup tackle in today's NFL made the Packers physically superior to the competition in the 1960s.

Games were also shown on black and white TV's, and many players from that era suffered and died from dementia. Also, clotheslining and body slamming opponents was encouraged and helmets were cheap and unsafe. How does this make McCarthy a better coach? Because he lost a game when Rodgers was forced out by injury? I'm sure nobody ever got injured when Lombardi coached, and players dragged broken legs around. And how does the fact that people were stupid and didn't exercise/work out/do steroids in 1960 make McCarthy better? Lombardi was a sort of pioneer in this "working out" thing. He gets dinged for gaining an advantage over other teams??? This makes no sense at all. In addition, the average backup tackle today is ten times more athletic than almost any player from the 1960's, and Jim Souhan.

Remember, Lombardi dominated a league that had yet to embrace the concept of the short pass. Lombardi became a coaching giant by emphasizing -- I'm not making this up -- the "sweep.''
Imagine if a current NFL coach tried to win with a playbook designed around the power sweep. Even Childress, who wanted to build his offense around power running when he took over the Vikings, eventually acknowledged that an intricate passing offense was necessary to win in today's NFL.

Again, I would point out that he scored more points using his "sweep" than McCarthy has using his "pass". The players today are bigger, faster and stronger on defense, which necessitates passing because running is extremely difficult. One could argue we aren't even discussing the same sport. If Lombardi was coaching today, do you think he would just sweep left and right all game if it wasn't working? Does Lombardi have to take his 1960's team and play it against the 2011 NFL? Because if that is true, then Mr. Souhan is probably right. I doubt Bart Starr could get dropped onto the field Sunday like it was 1961 and throw for 366 yards throwing to Max McGee.

In Lombardi's NFL, he could line up his assortment of indentured Hall of Famers and run over the opposition.
In an NFL filled with remarkably fast, powerful defenders, McCarthy has resorted to using three-back and five-receiver sets during the same drive.
Lombardi's team was never threatened by free agency or salary caps. McCarthy has been forced, because of free agency and injuries, to remake his team almost weekly. His best defender during the playoffs has been Tramon Williams, who was once released by Houston, and his best back has been James Starks, a rookie sixth-round draft pick.
Lombardi relied on one Hall of Fame quarterback, Bart Starr. McCarthy reinvigorated one Hall of Famer, Brett Favre, and may have created another in Rodgers.
Lombardi reaped the benefit of coaching on the Frozen Tundra, giving his players a dramatic home-field advantage. Today, Lambeau Field and its sidelines are heated, making Lambeau just another outdoor stadium to opponents.

Where to begin. Well first, your hall of famer argument just completely defeated your earlier argument about how much easier it was to win in a 16 team league. Doesn't it follow that if your team had a bunch of hall of famers, others did too? I know the Packers were the most talented team in the '60s, but I don't know too many that would not put today's Packers among the elite at least talent wise. How is McCarthy "better" in a "tougher era" when he had two hall of fame QBs versus one? And none of these other things is an argument that McCarthy is better than Lombardi, they are just arguments that the 1960's sucked compared to 2011.

Clearly, McCarthy is the better coach. But in the interest of even-handedness, we have to give Lombardi this: He was the better dresser.
McCarthy always looks like he just got done mowing the lawn. Lombardi dressed like a champ -- the champion of a small, backward, league.

No, McCarthy is not clearly a better coach. Lombardi did dress like a pimp.

I didn't see anything in this article about clock management or the use of challenges. But McCarthy is obviously better at the challenges than Lombardi could ever be because they didn't exist when dinosaurs roamed the earth in 1961.

This is the worst article ever written. Not only was it pointless, but it was poorly researched and incorrect. This guy got PAID to write this. It is incomprehensible.

ONE LAST THING

I heard Jared Allen, who is by all accounts a genius, pick the Bears because "their defense has been so good all year". The Packers ranked 2nd in points allowed and 4th in yards allowed vs. The Bears 4th in points allowed and 9th in yards. Also, The Packers were 10th in points scored and 9th in yards while the Bears were 21st in points scored and 30th in yards. So, um, yeah, not only is the Packers defense statistically better, but they did it against a tougher schedule, and are playing against a far worse offense than the Bears defense is this week.

ONE LAST, LAST THING

You know what? I'm tired of experts predicting this game. I'm not saying the Bears can't possibly win, because they can. I'm just saying if the Packers and Bears both play a typical football game, and neither side completely melts down, the Packers should win this game. They are better on offense AND defense. The only way I see the Bears winning is: an injury to Rodgers, or a return TD from Hester (not out of the question). I'll say 24-17 Pack.

Oh Man.

Have fun sleeping tonight. Sorry.

Doug Melvin's Evil Twins on Biggest Loser?

This is pretty off-topic seeing as there is a pretty huge Packer game in a few days, but I happened across "The Biggest Loser" last night, and this was too funny. Either Doug Melvin has multiplied with himself and got really, really fat, or he is 1/3 of a set of triplets, two of which have different last names. And if it wasn't for the Biggest Loser t-shirts, I bet you couldn't tell me which one was Doug Melvin. Tell me I'm wrong.

Thanks, But No Thanks

Dear Mr. Shall Not Be Named,

Um. A little late if you ask me. Like three years too late. I would be willing to consider your weak attempt at buddying up if you a) apologize and b) die. Only then can you be allowed back into the family. Also, Julius Peppers thinks you are a liar.

Love,

Packer Nation

-Does anyone find it even the slightest bit surprising that he did this when the attention would otherwise be completely and deservedly on Rodgers? Also, is ESPN serious? Are they really STILL dedicating a bottomline slot to him when he does anything? It is insane? I can guarantee there will be another "He Who Shall Not Be Named is dead" montage during the pregame show on Sunday.

-Also, He has nothing to do with Aaron Rodgers being good or not. We get it. He used to play quarterback for us at a very high level. 3 years ago. No paralleling Rodgers and Don Majkowski?

Here. We. Go.

This post is going to come with a disclaimer. I may well be repeating a number of things said by our lovely guest Mr. Gonzalez. I admit that I did not yet have 73 minutes (approx.) to read the 7500 words (again, approximate) he wrote. However, if it is anything like his first guest appearance, it is much, much better than what I'm about to write, and you should probably just skip mine altogether and read his. Also, it is a goddamn crime that he does not yet have access to write on this blog at will because Bear is a lazy piece of shit. There, I said it.

ANYWAYS (h/t Chuck Klosterman), the Packers played in a football game on Saturday night. I watched it while inhaling approximately 7,300 calories and having 8 or 9 drinks. Also, a shitload of Packer fans watched it from the Georgia Dome. I know this because by the middle of the third quarter, the Pack was up by three touchdowns, and all the Atlanta fans had left. (As an aside, and not really the point of this post, Falcons "fans" are a fucking joke. C'mon. I fully realize you were getting your ass kicked. But you probably paid a lot of money for those tickets, and all week, you paid ESPN to hype how "loud" the Georgia Dome is and how Rodgers and company would crumble before your bullshit "115 decibels". And you could barely find the time in your busy schedules to make it through 3/4 of the game. And there is the difference between you as a fan base and the Packer fan base. At least we would've stayed in our seats and hurled obscenities on our team. You should be ashamed). OK, that was a large aside, but there was a football game nonetheless. In this game, when the Packers had the ball, the Falcons had 11 men playing hard on one side of the ball, and the Packers had 10 men, and 1 motherfucking GOD.

That was, without a doubt, with all recentness and homerism biases aside, the best performance I've ever seen by a quarterback. A-Rodg could not miss a receiver, for the most part he could not be sacked. If Atlanta blized, Rodgers made them pay. If the Falcons played coverage, A-Rodg made them pay. It was absurd. We as Packer fans are lucky that we can call him Ours.

And now he needs to do it again. Now is when the shit gets serious, and it is for real. On the road. Against our biggest historic (and probably now, current) rival. With a trip to the Super Bowl on the line. Great quarterbacks win games like the one coming up. I don't think there is any doubt that he is a great quarterback. After watching that performance on Saturday, I believe.

OTHER TIDBITS NOT RELATED (DIRECTLY) TO AARON RODGERS' ENORMOUS COCK

-Cue the "experts" comparing Rodgers and Cutler. Seriously, I've already seen a few. Look, Cutler is an OK quarterback who occasionally has a flash of being really good. He also has the tendency to implode. He is the Chicago football version of Carlos Zambrano. Cutler is not even playing the same sport as Rodgers right now. Having a decent game against a below .500 Seattle team at home does not make Cutler Aaron Rodgers. So please. Stop.

-The Packers have been installed as 3 point road favorites. I will lay the 3.

-I am already freaking out about this game on Sunday. I'm thankful it is the early game, because my head would explode if I had to sit through the AFC Championship thinking about the Packers. Stress level is a solid 8.5/10.

-Tedy Bruschi is trying to think of a way to base his game prediction on the 1941 playoff game between the teams. I mean, he picked the Giants to beat the Packers because they won the game after the first "Miracle at the Meadowlands". So why not base the NFC Championship on a game played by Sid Luckman and Don Hutson.

-Fuck Bears fans already. They are idiotic for wanting any part of us.

-Cue the articles that discuss how the Packers win in Week 17 was "meaningless" for the Bears and that is the only reason the Packers won. Bullshit. Why have Jay "Joe Montana" Cutler in in the 4th quarter of a meaningless game? It is impossible to play a football game and not give 100%. Because if you half ass it, you get injured. And it would make no sense at all for the Bears to call "vanilla" plays, and risk injury to Cutler, Peppers, etc. Please stop this madness.

-Cue the articles pretending that the "weather" in Chicago is going to slow down the Pack. Last time I checked, we beat the Giants, Bears and Philly in freezing conditions (and other than the Chicago game, put up a lot of points doing it), before the big dome game against Atlanta. While I'm sure any team would prefer a dome or warm weather, we will be fine.

-Don't ignore the Packers defense. With the defense playing as well as it has, we can afford to make mistakes, or have a below average game on offense, and still win.

Does Aaron Rodgers Shit in the Woods?

From the desk of @jon_g_gonzalez :

I made a cameo appearance on this blog a couple weeks ago. I came in with no self-introduction, had a glass of Archie’s scotch and a beer, and then disappeared for a couple weeks. For that I’m sorry. The three paragraphs that follow will hopefully allow the readers to get to know me a little better. If you don’t care, or if you just clicked the link to find out whether Aaron Rodgers shits in the woods, feel free to skip the rest of this column and read the last three paragraphs.

I grew up in Southern California and attended the University of California at Santa Barbara in the late 1990’s to early 2000’s. At UCSB we stared at the pacific ocean from class windows, partied on the beach day and night, and had hands down the United States’ hottest female college students. The one negative was no major college sports except a random Big West title/cameo NCAA appearance every 8 or 9 years. Nonetheless, UCSB made me who I am, and if you keep reading my columns you’re going to get to know a lot of my friends from college and hear a LOT of fraternity stories. Consider yourself forewarned.

After UCSB I went to Marquette for law school, which would be boring except for the fact that Wisconsin is, to put it mildly, awesome (column on this for my so-cal readers forthcoming.) I also met my wife there (who just so happened to grow up with the other two guys who write for this site.)

While living in Wisconsin I started speedballing a Green Bay Packers and Wisconsin Badgers addiction with my existing Los Angeles Dodgers and Los Angeles Lakers habits. As such, even though this is a Wisconsin-centric blog, you’ll probably hear my rants on my other teams as well.

As an aside, (and to mitigate any potential copyright damages I may incur), ESPN’s “the Sports Guy” Bill Simmons style has heavily influenced my writing style. Recently, an ancestry.com search revealed that Simmons is my evil older half brother (he doesn’t know this yet, and will likely put a temporary restraining order on me when he reads this.) I use a lot of analogies and popular culture references, and when possible will include visual links for the A.D.D. audience.

On to the actual topic of this article for Bear, Juicelaw, and the random drunk guy still reading this on his phone (and not knowing why) in a townie bar in River Falls, Wisconsin . . .

In my glory days at UCSB I spent a lot of time watching WWE wrestling on Monday nights. I was able to do this because Monday was the one night of the week where there wasn’t a scheduled drinking event. Hence, I was usually a little bored and would grab a case of beer and sit down and watch pro wrestling with my roommates (unless it was football season.)

WWE in those days was sort of like ballet for testosterone charged males, as 300 pound men were expressing themselves artistically in some sort of deranged, homoerotic way. Nevertheless, I always thought the cheesy monologues made the characters seem larger than life. My two favorite sports entertainers were “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson.

By late 1997, Austin was the biggest thing Sports Entertainment had seen since Hulk Hogan. His beer-chugging redneck gimmick won the fans over and made him a star. In a lot of ways he was just like another star of the day, Brett Favre. Although Austin and Favre were wildly talented, they certainly had faults and limitations. For example, Austin wore a bulky knee brace that always caused him to be a step slow and make painful looking mistakes, and Favre was addicted to pain killers and made big mistakes while going for huge plays. However, Austin and Favre’s faults made each seem more human, and their legends grew.

Austin had a 3-year run as the unquestioned biggest star in the sport. Throughout that run, what people didn’t know about Austin was that his contemporaries thought of him as a real S.O.B. and glory-hog, which (along with debilitating injuries) contributed to his early exit from the sport. Sound familiar?

About a year after Austin burst on the scene, a young wrestler (and former University of Miami football player) going by the name “the Rock” started receiving a gradual push toward stardom. Initially, the Rock was hated by the fans, as his character was a brash, trash-talking “heel.” However, towards the end of Austin’s career, the Rock was the better performer and was not just touted as a “face,” but became THE face of the WWE.

We all know the story behind the Packers drafting and eventually turning the team over to Rodgers. However, this morning I thought about how much the Rock’s early career paralleled that of Rodgers’ 10 years later, as both were young, brash, talented, and performed with chips on their shoulders.

What is interesting about the Rock’s WWE career and Rodgers’ NFL career is that although the public knew both guys were very good at their respective trades, it took Stone Cold’s absence for The Rock to be accepted as WWE’s biggest star, and Favre’s season from hell in Minnesota for Wisconsin fans to collectively accept Aaron Rodgers as the next big thing.

By now you’ve heard that Favre filed his retirement papers on Monday morning. Although he’s done this before, this time I believe he’s gone. If I believed Favre were a good person, I’d argue that he “passed the torch” just two days after watching Rodgers surgical strike against Atlanta Saturday night. Alas, we all know Favre is all about Favre, so there was likely a deadline in getting this done so he could start receiving severance checks.

Nevertheless, I argue that Rodgers cemented his gradual “face turn” Saturday night, much like the Rock did in 2001. Rodgers is too good right now not to get recognized by the general public. In fact, he was getting so much positive press that Cutler nut-hugger Mike Florio had to attempt a character assassination on him. Think about that, a guy wrote a story without even bothering to check his facts because he was afraid Rodgers was getting too much positive press. He may as well have hit Rodgers in the head with a steel chair. Only the biggest superstars have media heels trying to sabotage their stardom. Rodgers time has arrived. Need evidence?

Take a moment to digest these numbers from the biggest game of Rodgers career to date:
31 for 36, 366 passing yards, 3 passing TD, no interceptions, 1 rushing touchdown, and the Packers dismantle Atlanta in the Georgia Dome 48-21.

Staggering, and this isn’t the first time he’s lit up the scoreboard with these sorts of statistics while leading the Packers to victory. In fact, he’s been doing it a lot. But if Saturday night wasn’t a guy saying to the world, “I’m the best quarterback in the NFL,” I don’t know what is. Truly remarkable.

I’ve been a Rodgers fan since his days at Cal. I was also a Rock fan from his early days. However, both guys struggled for acceptance in the beginning, and both had an ultra-popular superstar seemingly blocking their path to greatness and public acceptance. Only after Austin was gone could we truly appreciate how talented the Rock was. Similarly, only after the specter of Favre has lifted can we appreciate the greatness Packer fans get to watch on a weekly basis.

A conversation I had with my father-in-law Al Treml finally convinced me that Rodgers has silenced his harshest critics. Al is without a doubt the greatest and happiest guy I’ve ever met, but when it comes to the packers we’ve never seen eye-to-eye.
All sports fans have flaws in their fanhood, it’s the nature of something as inherently subjective as sports viewership. Al’s biggest flaw is that he was overly attached to Favre and was never willing to let it go. This flaw is present in a substantial portion of the Packers fan base still clamoring for Bart Starr to make his triumphant return under center at age 77.

When I called Al Sunday morning, as I usually do the day after a big Packer win, I was shocked by what he had to say. Al not only told me Rodgers had a great game, he told me that he’d never seen any Packer quarterback play a game like Saturday’s. It gave me chills to hear it . . .

Rodgers’ face turn was complete, as he was loved by the staunchest of Favre supporters. My perception of the Packer fan base’s view of Rodgers was verified by the lack of negative posts about Rodgers on ESPN message boards and the gushing tweets flowing from Packer fans across the country lauding Rodgers great performance. Best of all, I barely read Favre’s name at all. There is a new king.

If you’ve made it this far you’re probably wondering why I titled this article “Does Aaron Rodgers Shit in the Woods?” The answer to this question is the same one Florio should’ve written when he decided to write a blog post inferring that Rodgers was unsympathetic to an elderly Packer fan with cancer... “I don’t know.” I’m still fuming over the fact that a guy who holds himself out as a lawyer would whore himself out by spewing some garbage about Rodgers without taking the time to check any of the facts.

If I told you Aaron Rodgers shits in the woods I’d be doing the same thing Florio did. Maybe Rodgers takes dumps in public, if he does, that’s pretty disgusting, but since I don’t know, don’t care, and whether he does or doesn’t has no applicability to his ability to win games for the Packers, I’m not going to report on it.

I do have evidence that Bears shit in the woods. I also have evidence that Aaron Rodgers is a pretty amazing quarterback. That said, my prediction is that Rodgers dissects the Bears cover 2, Matthews has a field day with the Bears “shitty” offensive line, and the Packers pull out a tough win on the road. Let’s say 21-17. The win Sunday will further cement Rodgers status as Wisconsin’s fan-favorite, and will allow him to take the Packers where Favre most recently failed... the Super Bowl. Maybe he’ll even use “the People’s elbow” as his new celebration.

GO PACK GO

The Debate

I've been invited to someone's house for the Packer game today. The someone is my in-laws, but that isn't important because I like them. It is only important that I need to decide whether I want to watch the game in the controlled enviroment of my home, or in the great unknown. I've written at length about my general disdain for "Packer parties". But I'm going to rehash it because I have nothing else to write about. Here is a Pro/Con list of my house v. someone else's:



MY HOUSE



Pro: I have complete control of my surroundings. Temperature, volume of TV, where I sit, the volume of others, the changing of channels, no censorship or volume control of myself, I can drink as much as I want and not have to drive, and I can throw or hit things

Con: If I want a shitload of food I have to buy it and cook it myself

OTHER PLACES

Pro: Food is awesome, and I like it a lot

Con: Censorship, screaming kids, the distraction of everyone talking to eachother during the game, people disagreeing with me about something that is happening in the game, lack of control over my surroundings.

Ultimately, I guess I'm going. I think the children will be kept at a minimum, and I can't pass up an all you can eat spread. I just hate being every one's sideshow, which is why my in-laws enjoy watching the games with me. Because I jump around and scream and everyone thinks it is funny. So I guess I'm funny like a clown. Whatever.

Prediction: Packers 19, Falcons 16 (OT). The Falcons do nothing that scares me necessarily. They do everything pretty good, and nothing bad, but I don't feel like they are great at anything. The Pack has a GREAT QB, and a borderline great defense. If we can slow down Burner Turner, which we did a poor job of the first time, I think we will win this game.

Other predictions: Pats (-8.5), Steelers (-3), Bears (-10), Badgers over the Illini (in a game I will probably not see much of due to the requirement that I'm at my destination and on a couch by 3:30 and the fact that the B12Ten in its infinite wisdom scheduled this game against an NFL playoff game), Indiana St over CU tomorrow in a game that I will see none of.

Fake Championship Belts!

PACKERS

Fucking ridiculous win yesterday. I died twice, and was brought back to life thanks to the defibrillator I bought at Shopko Express before the game yesterday. I came to just in time to see Tramon pick off the Vick pass and then almost celebrate his way to a loss. That was fucking scary, but I didn't realize it while it was happening until Charlie Peprah tackled him at the four. Defense did a tremendous job.

Offense was solid enough, especially James "DNP-Coach's Decision" Starks. If he isn't inactive next week (seriously, enough, he is the best RB on our active roster. Give him every opportunity. Spell him with B-Jax on third down, and sprinkle in a Kuuuuuuuhn carry), he could be a big difference maker.

James Jones is lucky the Packers won, or his house might have been burned down. That was terrible. He has not earned Donald Driver status where he can drop two passes a game and everyone still loves him.

I have a lot of confidence in the Pack next week. Atlanta has better defense and is more fundamentally sound perhaps, but they lack the explosion and danger that Philly has. I fully expect our defense to shut the Falcons down. The last meeting came down to special teams, and we lost. While I would be an idiot if I was confident in our special teams, I just have a feeling in this one.

BEARS

Fuck. You. Bears. The Seahawks? Really? The following things happened on the "NFC North Champion" Chicago Bears schedule this year: Wk1 (W v. Detroit after Calvin Johnson caught a TD pass and the officials disagreed even after a review confirmed that it was in fact a TD), Wk2 (Beat Dallas when Wade Phillips was still coach), Wk 4 (L v. NYG, Cutler sacked 39 times on national TV and gets hurt), Wk 5 (W v. Carolina, luck into playing the worst team in the league in the week you have no QB), Wk 6 (L v. Seattle), Wk 7 (L v. Washington), Wk 9 (W v. a really bad Buffalo team), Wk 10 (W v. really bad Viking team), Wk 11 (W v. Miami and their 3rd fucking string QB Tyler Thigpen), Wk 13 (W v. Detriot and Drew Stanton, their 3rd string QB), Wk14 (raped by New England at home), Wk 15 (the only good thing they did, end He Who Shall Not Be Named's Career, and then played 3 1/2 quarters against Joe "3rd String QB" Webb).

That is THREE third string QBs, and wins against Carolina and Buffalo. And now they get a fucking 8-9 team in the second round of the playoffs. Horseshoe up their collective asses.

WAR EAGLE!!

I somehow have $90 riding on this fake ass championship game tonight. So I need Auburn to win. So I guess I have a reason to root and watch intently. Forgot to mention that if Oregon wins, Sports Bottle wins the $90 to put towards the fourth of his 17 tropical vacations this year.

By the way, if you need a reason to hate the BCS, read "Death to the BCS". I did. I'm angry. It makes me even more angry when cocsuckers like Bill Hancock says shit like "we are more likely to go back to the old bowl system than a playoff if you people don't stop yelling at us about the BCS." OF COURSE you are more likely to go back to the old system. Because the cocksuckers in charge (commissioners of the Big Six Conferences) control all of the good bowls! So they will keep making money either way! And really, they don't give a shit about money or they would have a playoff. They want power. The book isn't the best book I've ever read, but it is very interesting. And I'm officially convinced to convert the Get Together to a 16-team tournament, with all games except the championship at the higher seed. Still all the conference champs get in.

So War Fuckin' Eagle!! ( I just hope I don't have to give the money back in 5 years when they take this fake championship away after they find the pictures of Cam Newton and Tim Tebow doing blow off of strippers tits).

Game Day

What I hate the most about playing Michael Vick is if he gets rolling, it has to be the most helpless feeling in the world as a fan. When I watch games, I feel like I AM the Packers, and I like to feel like I'm somehow in control of what is happening. But when Vick gets out of the pocket and there is nobody there to tackle him for 20 plus yards, it is so frustrating. Let's hope that doesn't happen today. Also, if the game is anything like the games yesterday, I will die of a heart attack.

I'll Survive Without Clay, and Bucky Will Too

John Clay is following the example of the immortal P.J. Hill and leaving early for the NFL despite the fact that he will not be picked anywhere near high enough to make most players traditionally want to leave. Clay is a lot better than P.J. Hill ever was, so I'm not going to say I am HAPPY he is leaving like I was when Hill left. And I don't blame Clay, because his stock is probably not going to get higher (in fact, he should've left last year). I guess my point in this rambling, incoherent post, is that Clay was only arguably the best RB on the team, and more likely part of a 3 headed monster with Ball and White. While 3 headed monsters are nice, they can get frustrating because Brett is more likely to not play the hot hand in order to give someone their share of the carries, which may not work out in the Badgers' best interest. Bucky will be fine, especially since there are two good freshman coming too. We will miss J.J. Watt a whole lot more.

Clay will stick in the league for quite a while if he can stay healthy. If P.J. Hill and DeShawn Wynn can play, Clay can. But he's probably not a starting back. But who knows? I never thought Ryan Grant was good until he got hurt and I had to watch Brandon Jackson play.

Playoff Extravaganza

Today is the start of one of the greatest sports weekends of the year. I would put NFL wild-card weekend in the top 5 sports weekends. Especially when the Packers are playing. Here is my list: 1) Thursday-Sunday 1st 2 rounds of NCAA Tournament; 2) NFL Divisional playoff weekend (same as wild-card basically, except for there are generally no bad games; 3) 3rd and 4th rounds of NCAA Tournament; 4) NFL Wild-Card Weekend; 5) NFL Conference Championship Sunday. All of these weekends cover multiple days, and allow maximum sloth to entertainment ratios. There are plenty of weekends where you can sit on your ass and watch sports, but there are very few that can entertain you in a quality fashion. 3:30 p.m. Saturday cannot get here fast enough.

HEARTBREAK CITY/WHY PACKER FANS ARE AWESOME

The other day on a local sports-talk radio channel there was a 20 plus minute conversation about the last time the Packers played the Eagles in the playoffs. Of course, it is among the worst playoff losses in recent history, and still stings to this day. It was the "4th and 26" game. The conversation wasn't awesome necessarily because it was being discussed. It makes sense to talk about it even though there are probably less than 5 players on each team that even played in that game, so it is irrelevant to this match up. No, it was awesome because the majority of the conversation was people calling in bitching about the possessions before and after the Eagles converted that ridiculous 4th and 26 play.

I had actually blocked the previous possession out of my mind, but now remember it vividly. In case you forgot, the Packers had the ball at the Eagle 41 yard line, facing a 4th and 1 up 17-14 with about 2:30 left. At that point in time, the Packers had arguably the best running game (or at least the best running back in the NFL). This was Ahman Green's franchise record 1,883 yd season. And Green was a battering ram. The chances of any NFL team converting on 4th and 1 is pretty good. The chances of Green getting it were better. Instead, Mike Sherman decided to punt. Of course, the punter (I believe Josh Bidwell) pounded it into the endzone, even after a 5 yard delay of game penalty. On the Eagle's first play, Duece Staley ran for 22 yards. Which completely eliminated whatever field position Sherman was trying to preserve. (What followed was: incomplete pass, sack, incomplete pass, 28 yard throw to FredEx on 4th and 26, leading to the eventual game tying field goal).

Everyone remembers the possession to start OT, when on the first play, He Who Shall Not Be Named winged a 1st and 10 pass into double coverage, right at an Eagles defender for a pick, which led to a quick FG and a loss. The sports-talk guys were awesome because as they discussed it they played five straight audio clips of Paul Allen He Who Shall Not Be Named interception calls. Hilarious.

Here we are, 7 years later and there were MULTIPLE people calling in to bitch about Mike Sherman punting on 4th and 1. Tell me how many fan bases could a) remember anything that happened, even in a horrible loss, in a game 7 years ago; and b) would still be upset about it. Packer fans are awesome.

3rd ANNUAL MOST HORRIBLE PACKER PLAYOFF LOSSES

I think I make this list every year, but in 2011, here is my list for my lifetime:

1) He Who Shall Not Be Named's last throw as a Packer/ Ice Bowl II (NFC Championship v. Giants) (The Pack were large favorites, really good, and at home. At it is still very fresh. Blew an awesome chance at a Super Bowl. My asshole uncle had bought plane tickets to Phoenix, site of the Super Bowl, before the game. Watched it at home alone with my wife. I remember screaming/flying/spinning into the air on the He Who Shall Not Be Named pick, and being inconsolable for about a week).

2) The John Elway Helicopter Game (Super Bowl loss to Broncos) (I feel like this would be higher if it hadn't happened when I was 17. Still can't watch this when they replay it ALL THE TIME. And everyone ignores that Terrell Davis ran for like 731 yards that game. Watched at a friends house).

3) The Catch 2 (Wild Card loss at 49ers)(Made worse by the obvious Jerry Rice fumble that wasn't called, and there being no instant replay. I was 18 working at Best Buy, and watched the entire game after rigging up a video game TV in the video game department where I worked. Nobody was in the store. I was an idiot in high school).

4) The Vick Game (first home playoff loss ever, Wild Card v. Falcons) (Bad because we were a lot better, and Vick DESTROYED us by himself. Watched at home.)

5) 4th and 26 (Divisional round at Eagles) (The worst part of this is that I was watching it at a bar in Omaha, and this asshole Eagles fan was in my face the entire game. It remains the closest I've ever come to punching a stranger in the face.)

6) The Randy Moss Moon Game (Wild Card at home against Vikings. Bad because it was the Vikings.)

REASON I DON'T QUIT MY JOB AND MOVE TO VEGAS TO GAMBLE FOR A LIVING

I went 123-126 and a bunch of ties against the spread in NFL games this year. That isn't going to put food on the table.

This week I've got: Seahawks (+10.5), Colts (-2.5), Ravens (-3), Eagles (-3).

I really do think the Packers have a legit shot to win. I just wouldn't put money on it.

Playoff Overtime!!!

From the desk of @jon_g_gonzalez

I was sent this article from a dear friend of the blog, Mr. Gonzalez. Why does not have an account to post on this blog is beyond me, because that would be a lot easier than me forgetting to copy paste this word document for 2 days. So without any proof reading or editing, I give you, Le Overtime.

“We want the ball and we’re gonna score.”

It’s been seven years since those words were made famous by Matt Hasselbeck after the overtime coin-toss during a 2004 wild card game against the Packers. They remain significant, as this weekend as the Packers head to Philadelphia to play in a wild card game in the first season under the new overtime rules.

For those that have forgotten, beginning with the 2010 season, playoff games that go to overtime are no longer played under a strict sudden-death format. Instead, the team receiving the ball after the coin toss can only win on its first possession if it scores a touchdown.

A field goal does not end the game, as the scoring team kicks off to its opponent. If the opponent is held scoreless on its possession, the game is over. However, if the opponent scores a touchdown it wins the game. Even more complicated, if the opponent scores a field goal, the game goes to a 15-minute sudden death period.

Although the Packers won that 2004 game against the Seahawks on an interception returned for a touchdown by Al Harris, just one week later, “4th and 26” was forever burned into the minds of Packer fans when “he who shall not be named” turned the ball over late in the game and the defense allowed the great Freddie Mitchell make one of exactly one big plays in his illustrious career.

Unfortunately, neither of these games illustrate how the new rule operates. Under the 2010 rule the “we’re gonna score” game ends just as it did, with Al Harris mobbed by a group of teammates. Likewise, because “he who shall not be named” threw his twenty-second key playoff interception in the “4th and 26” game after the Packers won the coin toss, a field goal was all the Eagles would have needed to send the Packers home losers under the current rules.

The 2003 and 2009 seasons remind us that overtime games do happen in the playoffs, and that reality quite frankly scares the living shit out of me. In 2003/2004, the Packers were coached my Mike Sherman, who nobody would mistake for a MENSA candidate. Two years later, Sherman was replaced by Mike McCarthy, who has a list of coaching blunders longer than my drink tab on a bender in Vegas.

I was fortunate enough to be sitting five rows off the field last January when Karlos Dansby flapped his wings in front of me and I had to run for cover to get out of University of Phoenix stadium. Although you can’t put that one on McCarthy, the Packers record in overtime playoff games under his regime is worse than Sherman’s. Quite frankly, I have less than zero confidence that MM has the ability to comprehend the new overtime strategy, much less properly execute when faced with a decision.
The only saving grace is that Andy Reid is just about as inept as McCarthy when it comes to inexplicable coaching blunders. Combine that history of ineptitude with the fact that McCarthy and Reid have ZERO history to work with seems like a recipe for disaster. Let’s just hope Reid’s blunder outweighs MM’s.

In an effort to avoid watching another overtime debacle I’ve decided to provide an (oversimplified) easy reference guide to 2010 Packers overtime strategy. Hopefully McCarthy reads it before Sunday:

1) If Matt Hasselbeck taught us anything in the 2003 season, take the ball and score. By this I mean there is no circumstance under which a team should defer, even though holding an opponent to a field goal lets you know what you need. The threat of the game ending on a long (cough, DeSean Jackson) score is simply too great.

2) Don’t kick it onside at the beginning of overtime if you lose the toss. I understand that the Packers special teams are so bad that kicking off to begin overtime could bring a big return (or worse). However, giving a team a short field in overtime in the playoffs isn’t ballsy, it’s stupid.

3) If you get to 4th and 1 on a questionable field goal distance (48-52 yards) on your first possession, go for the points. Giving up field position with a questionable (at best) run game is a sure-fire recipe for disaster. Also please don’t try a deep ball on 4th down in overtime. It already cost us one game.

4) If you lose the toss, go ahead and try a repeat of the Dan Connolly play. I mean, two 320 pound linemen can’t return a kick 72 yards can they?

5) Finally, if you win the toss, run your whole offense and do not play for a field goal. Unlike years past, it should be SETTLING for a field goal while trying like hell to score a touchdown. Remember, under this format, a defense holding a team to a field goal has won the matchup.

If this game comes down to overtime it is gonna be fun. I’ve now convinced myself that I need to get as drunk during this game as I was last week, if not more.

I Hate The Gym

Reasons I hate the gym.

1. I'm chubby.

2. I don't have bulging muscles

3. Even though I pay them like $50/month, they never recognize me at he door

4. As soon as I started paying $50/month, they offered "new members" $10/month

5. There is a mysterious layer of fluid on the locker room floor which is either: water from outside, urine, sweat, shower residue, pool residue, or 100% pure AIDS

6. The locker I want is always full of some dude's shit that doesn't use a lock.

7. As soon as I pick an empty locker, some meathead or fat dude goes to the locker RIGHT next to me to crowd me while I'm trying to change.

8. As soon as I pick an empty locker, some dude walks out of the shower with his wang everywhere.

9. Strange wang.

10. Trying to balance on one foot so that my bare foot doesn't touch the locker room floor while I'm changing socks. Because it would fall off.

11. The random half tissue/piece of toilet paper stuck in the wetness on the floor

12. Going to the gym at all.

13. The dude in the locker room bathroom that is in the stall clearly letting loose an all liquid shit due to the laxitives he is taking.

14. The dude clearly shooting steroids in the bathroom stall.

15. The dude that doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom and immediately uses the piece of equipment you wanted.

16. The guy that showers at the gym at 6pm for no reason.

17. The guy that shaves at the gym at 6pm for no reason.

18. The guy that leaves his fucking shaved whiskers all over the bathroom sink at the gym.

19. The people that not only don't lock up their shit, but refuse to even use a locker even though there are quite a few available, and leave their shit on the floor.

20. How the soap dispenser dispenses soap in such a way that I can't possibly judge where it is going to end up. All I know is that it won't end up on my hands.

21. How due to the $10/month memberships, there are always 12 people signing up for a membership.

22. How the gym is fucking packed, yet they keep herding in these assholes because they know that they do auto-withdrawals and people are lazy and stupid and will forget to not pay for at least a few months.

23. Waiting to do something at the gym.

24. People that seemingly go to the gym for the sole purpose of filling up 32 oz. water bottles at the bubbler. You rude fucks.

25. The people that will go to a weight machine and sit there like an old/fat piece of shit for a half hour with no regard for anyone else at the gym, because they are a stupid fuckhead. DO YOUR SET AND GET THE FUCK UP!!!!!

26. The dirty ass floors.

27 The dirty ass gym mats.

28. The random pubes everywhere.

29. The people that wear their dirty ass shoes in the gym that leave pieces of gravel and shit everywhere.

30. Lifting weights.

31. Ab work.

32. The guys that scream like they are dying while they lift weights.

33. The guys that are 5'8" 260 lbs with 74" biceps that do one rep and then throw the 745 lbs of weight on the ground to see how much noise they can make.

34. Making eye contact with any of the gorillas.

35. Doing cardio work.

36. People walking on the treadmill for an hour. Fucking walk outside if you want to walk you lazy fuck.

37. The terrible music at the gym.

38. The fact there are 5 flat screen TVs and two are turned to Fox News.

39. That there are 5 HD TVs, yet they manage to have two of them not in HD at all times.

40. When I get to my locker after the workout, the naked dudes are still there waiting for me.

41. The meathead screaming christian rock to himself while it is just him and I in the locker room.

It's Not Easy Being Green (and Gold?)

I was going to lead this post off with the YouTube video of the monkey forcibly raping a frog's mouth. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Suffice it to say it is hilarious and you should check it out. I felt like it was kind of a metaphor for the game yesterday, as Lovie played his entire team in a meaningless game, the entire time, just to try to prove a point. The point he actually proved? Jay Cutler isn't very good.

Not an impressive win by any means, but I will take it. McCarthy may have actually saved his job by running the play action to Donald Lee (as an aside, what the fuck happened to Donald Lee??? He was a Pro Bowl alternate two years ago, and now he can't beat out fucking Tom Crabtree!!). I IMPLORE Mike McCarthy, PLEASE stop running Kuhn out of the fullback spot. It works ONCE a year. If you do it once a GAME, teams start game planning for it. It is really, really hard for an NFL team to run from the FB spot, because the FB gets like 2 yards to build up speed, and typically the FBs aren't exactly shifty. If you want to run Kuhn, I don't have a huge problem with it, but give the man the six yards he desperately needs to see a hole and build up his battering ram speed. Or let me play Madden in the box and call plays for you McCarthy. Either way.

I'm a little freaked out by the Eagles, by Vick, by the thought that Vick might mistake B.J. Raji for a St. Bernard and electrocute him, by Andy Reid's kid giving me some bad ex that makes me OD, by Desean Jackson returning punts, by the ghost of 4th and 26. The Eagles can't be thrilled to get us either, but unless you played the Seahawks, there was no easy draw in the NFC. I can't really predict this game. I wouldn't bet on us winning, but we definitely could. I bet it will be close if we lose. We haven't gotten beat by more than a FG all season (probably not a fact, I didn't look it up, it just feels that way). I played it in Madden last night and the Pack won 35-14, so I guess you should probably go single handedly move the Vegas line with your betting Sports Bottle.

THIS JUST IN!!!!!!

The two massage therapists from the Jets filed a sexual harassment claim against He Who Shall Not Be Named and the Jets!!!!!! Fucking sweet!!! I wish they had done it ten weeks ago, but still hilarious to kick him while he is down!! "I guess I have bad intentions". GREAT!

I had a whole other rant about hating people at the gym, but it will have to wait because I have to go scour the He Who Not Be Named sex pleadings. Out!

No Words Necessary