Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Hit Em Up

I'm sure there are like two people that got the mid 90's rap reference to the title of this post.

ANYWAYS (Stolen Literary Reference alert), the reason for this post is to break down Twinkies sudden love for all things purple, and dudes with diapers who play quarterback/coach their team/slap teammates' asses for fun/cram their cocks down media member's throats/and stab fan bases in the back.

First, I think I need to take a step back and try to rationally explain my hatred for the Vikings, as well as my hatred for this particular Viking team. I've always had a strong dislike for them, and as a Packer fan (really, I didn't just decide to be one five minutes ago) I choose to root against them regardless of what they are doing or who they are playing. Same with the Bears and to a lesser extent the Lions (only because they haven't been a threat for a decade). I wish ill things on the franchises as a whole. If they move to L.A. (when) I will throw a celebration. I might drive over to Minneapolis and piss on the Metrodome. I'm definitely not one of these people who take up rooting for "The NFC North" out of some bullshit divisional pride. Knowing that, I still can be fairly rational in my hatred for Packer rivals. When the Bears got to the Super Bowl a few years back, I hated it and I rooted against them harder than I would have if I didn't really care who won that much. But, it didn't ruin two weeks of my life. I didn't avoid sports media. I still looked forward to watching the Super Bowl. If they would have won, it would have stung a bit, but I would've gotten over it.

This Viking team is different and the hatred has risen to a new level due to He Who Shall Not Be Named. I'm not going to repeat all of my feelings except to say that everything bothers me more, and the fact that the media refuses to treat him like a normal player, despite the fact that I'm convinced that 99% of America now hates him and the Vikings, makes it worse. He alone is the reason that the Queens making a Super Bowl would ruin two weeks for me, and could possibly cause me to black out during the Super Bowl. And I would even consider skipping the Super Bowl for the first time since I can remember(I vaguely remember 1985 as the first one I watched). And I believe Twinkie is pretending to be a Viking fan just to piss me off. This is why, as a Packer fan, I feel that I am able to write this post.

With that out of the way, Twinkie is full of shit. I've known Twinkie in varying degrees since 2003. We hung out a lot during our final year at Creighton, and have communicated electronically quite often since graduation. I feel like I've got a pretty good handle for who he is. Might he be a sheep rapist (I was just helping it over the fence)? Maybe. You never totally know anyone I guess. The point is, I've watched NFL with him a few times in the mid-00's, and have certainly discussed it on a number of occasions. And until last Sunday with his bullshit "Thanks for the Quarterback. (insert some other bullshit about the Packers or Vikings)" text, I had never once heard him mention his affinity for the Viqueens. In fact, I distinctly remember him telling me that he was a Miami Dolphin fan. So my first question: What the fuck happened to THAT?!?!?

He uses Bill Simmon's "Rules for Being a True Fan" article to claim that because he was born in North Dakota or Montana or Canada or wherever the fuck he was born, and there was no NFL team, that he is justified in deciding now to root for the Viqueens just to piss me off. Here are a few quotes I pulled from this article.
"There's nothing worse than a Bandwagon Jumper. If sports were a prison and sports fans made up all the prisoners, the Bandwagon Jumpers would be like the child molesters -- everyone else would pick on them, take turns beating them up and force them to toss more salads than Emeril Lagrasse.) "
"19. Once you choose a team, you're stuck with that team for the rest of your life ... unless one of the following conditions applies:

-Your team moves to another city. All bets are off when that happens. In fact, if you decided to turn off that sport entirely, nobody would blame you.

-You grew up in a city that didn't field a team for a specific sport -- so you picked a random team -- and then either a.) your city landed a team, or b.) you moved to a city that fielded a team for that specific sport. For instance, one of my Connecticut buddies rooted for the Sixers during the Doctor J Era, then happened to be living in Orlando when the Magic came to town. Now he's a Magic fan. That's acceptable.

-One of your immediate family members either plays professionally or takes a relevant management/coaching/front office position with a pro team.

-You follow your favorite college star (and this has to be a once-in-a-generation favorite college star) to the pros and root for his team du jour ... like if you were a UNC fan for the past 20 years, and you rooted for the Bulls (because of MJ) and then the Raptors (because of Vince). Only works if there isn't a pro team in your area.

-The owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn't take it anymore -- you would rather not follow them at all then support a franchise with this owner in charge. Just for the record, I reached this point with the Boston Bruins about six years ago. When it happens, you have two options: You can either renounce that team and pick someone else, or you can pretend they're dead, like you're a grieving widow. That's what I do. I'm an NHL widow. I don't even want to date another team.

-If you're between the ages of 20-40, you're a fan of the Yankees, Cowboys, Braves, Raiders, Steelers, Celtics, Lakers, Bulls, Canadiens and/or Oilers, and you're not actually from those one of those cities ... well, you better have a reason that goes beyond "When I was picking a favorite team as a kid, they were the best team, so I picked them." "

I don't see one single thing in there that justifies this fake fandom. Yes, he lives in Minnesota, but like 700 miles away from the Twin Cities. I guess my whole point is that you can't just drop the Dolphins. And you can't root for both. And you can't rely on Simmons to help you make your point. You are a poser and a bandwagon jumper.

One last thing that pissed me off. "Like you Packer fans wouldn't be excited to be in the NFC Championship" In response to Bear saying that the Twin Cities was acting like the Vikings had won the Super Bowl after they beat a team they were favored to beat, at home, after a bye week, that had won ONE playoff game in 13 years. Would Packer fans be excited? Absofuckinglutely. But Packer fans are smart enough to realize that getting to the NFC Championship doesn't mean anything. It means you get to play one more week. Packer fans are smart enough to not start to suck eachother's dick when we get to the SEMIFINALS. Not only that, but a real Viking fan (of which there is only two: Paul Allen and Ragnar) would be smart enough to know that historically, the Viqueens are fucking chokers, especially recently, in similar games (see 41-0, see Gary Anderson). They SHOULD be nervous as shit, NOT running around acting like they won something. Which is ANOTHER reason that you aren't a Viking fan. Vikings fans would be entitled to enjoy their South Beach vacation if they manage to get to the Super Bowl, but until they WIN a Super Bowl, it doesn't mean shit.

When the Vikings lose, all anyone is going to remember about this season is He Who Shall Not Be Named making an ass out of another franchise. It has been approximately 10 years since He DIDN'T completely melt down in the playoffs costing his team the game. And I am going enjoy the taste of tears when it happens.

To recap: I hate the Viqueens even more due to He Who Shall Not Be Named, Twinkie is a Dolphin fan NOT a Viqueen fan, Viqueen fans are delusional if they are that happy about one playoff win, He will stab the Viking franchise in the back too, Twinkie may or may not rape animals, I Hit 'Em Up, I am extremely white.

GEAUX SAINTS!!!!!! What say you?

21 comments:

Ricky said...

Absolutely perfect Juice. I 100% share your hatred. I would even venture to say my hatred may be stronger due to having to live with these assholes everyday. The Pack pulling their shit together for the last 8 weeks was great, but I would say this has been the worse football season of my life and it gets worse every week that these assholes win and I have to listen to millions of douchebags ride his cock everys second of every day. Someone said to me yesterday, you know he will go into the hall as a Viking... My immediate reaction was, fucking take him! After thinking about it more I am astounded at how absurd that is. I could give two shits if he ever steps foot into Green Bay again or acknowledges any sort of alegiance to the team, but really? Fucking moron, douchebag, asshole, bandwagon, jackasses. Ok, I am getting angry and might jump out of my cubicle and stab someone so I better end this rant.

Fuzzy said...

My first thought after reading this post was to contemplate becoming a vocal queens fan just to piss you off. I'm surprised that you let people get to you so easily. While I found it to be well written & hilarious my only problem was with you saying that 99% of America hates them. Maybe 99% of educated football fans do, but most of America is stupid and still believes that your ex-man crush was screwed by Thompson & the Packers. Of course my analysis comes from one of the most homogeneous areas of the States so what do I know?

Ricky said...

I agree with Fuzzy. I am finding that many people feel that the Packers screwed him. In the past two weeks I have had multiple people tell me, he retired because you were going to make him a backup. I then call bullshit and explain what really happened.

Juicelaw said...

You may well be correct. You are definitely right about America being stupid. Those same stupid Americans are the "Packer fans" who feel justified in rooting for the Queens. I was referring to people that would watch ESPN, which doesn't make one educated, but you probably have a clue about sports. Anyone that thinks the Packers are to blame for any of this (other than not handling the media that well) are the same people think that the holocaust was a hoax and Hitler was misunderstood.

I am slightly more "gotten to" because of who is "getting to me". I was mostly over everything until I got that jackass text and his stupid comment yesterday.

He wouldn't DARE set foot in GB again.

NFL players don't "go into the Hall" as anything. They don't wear helmets or uniforms. It is a bronze cast of thier heads. Unlike baseball where the plaques have hats on. Viking fans don't even understand these basic realities.

Bear said...

And there it is, I was waiting for it. We have our first official Hitler/Holocaust analogy for the Favre/Packers situation

PS: This may not be the first time it was used on this blog for this specific situation, but it's been a while and I don't wanna look it up

Juicelaw said...

I know Hitler is a tag that has been used. Not sure if it was this situation or not.

Juicelaw said...

http://archiemanningsbastards.blogspot.com/2009/08/hitler-is-funny.html

The answer to your Hitler question thanks to that sweet google machine on the front page.

The Sports Bottle said...

No response from Twinkie?

I believe I recall some sort of reference to the Dolphins in Vegas.

Bear said...

The sweet google thing on the front page that I just added in response to my own need! Bwa hahahahaha

Juicelaw said...

You should add something that deposits money into my bank account. Or beans into Sports Bottles bank account to pretend wager.

gotwinkies said...

You are so irrationally pissed about this situation that nothing I type will even slightly change your mind. I could try to explain my history with the Vikings (growing up in Manitoba, Canada or something), talk about the glory days of Anthony Carter and Wade Wilson (not really), the devastating Herschel trade, the time they missed the playoffs on the LAST PLAY of the season when Arizona scored as the clock read 0:00, the 41-0 game, Anderson's choke job (even though there was still alot of time left and they actually lost in OT), etc. But since this board is like the legal system in Council Bluffs, I've been convicted before trial.

I AM a VIkings fan. I will be a Vikings fan when they lose on Sunday on a backbreaking pick by HE WHO. I will be a Vikings fan when they have TAVERIOESIOUS or Gus starting in 2 years and suck again. The texting was supposed to be funny/talking shit stuff. However, I pledge NEVER to send you another purple-related txt b/c it obviously stresses you the fuck out and I value your friendship because you kept me out of jail in Vegas and because you are the only asshole that drove like 14 hours to my wedding.

Juicelaw said...

That was like Mark McGuire apologizing for doing steroids, and then saying they didn't help him hit homeruns so shut the fuck up. Or Andy Pettit apologizing for his "mistakes".

I will let it be for now. I've got it out of my system.

Schmock40 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Schmock40 said...

Wow! That was very intense!

On a side note, The Sports Bottle wrote this on Thursday, Februaury 26th, 2009:
"I find Tiger Woods to be the most compelling athlete these days. Is there anyone else who handles his professional and private life any better? Besides, I'd eat from his wife's asscrack.

Now that's funny. I also find UNC being ranked with 12-7 record to be funny. Didn't mean to target you Dan. I just thought everybody needed a possible smile.

Juicelaw said...

UNC has been hammered two games in a row at home (I realize the first one ended up close but they were down like 20). UNC could end up like 18-12 and be ranked #19 with a 4 seed. UW would have to go like 24-5 to get a 4 seed. Rankings are dumb. At least Sports Bottle didn't pretend to like Duke this year because they are ranked higher. OK, I'm done now.

The Sports Bottle said...

Maybe I'm not a very good judge of character. But I would still eat from his wife's asscrack.

UNC simply isn't very good right now. They're too young and they don't have a star. I'm not bothered though. My expectations weren't very high. They did beat Michigan St and Ohio St.

Juicelaw said...

Wisconsin beat Duke and Maryland (and Ohio St. once when they didn't have their best player)

The Sports Bottle said...

OK. What does that have to do with UNC?

Juicelaw said...

I thought you were giving me one of your "ACC is better than the Big Ten, and UNC is better than UW" statements. I apologize for greatly offending you.

The Sports Bottle said...

Don't try to pass the "taking offense to nothing" nonsense onto me just b/c Twinkie hit a chord with you.

Juicelaw said...

OK. Fuck you then.