Saturday, April 2, 2011

FAKE LIVE BLOG IV!- Final Four/Brewers-Reds Edition

So here I am. Home alone. Wife is off doing it with her friends or whatever (I assume this is what women do when their husbands aren't along). The Final Four is on. The first Brewer game not on while normal people work is on. What better time than now to give you a fake live blog/fake Simmon's style running diary. I am going to do this until I get tired of it, which may be a half hour, and may be five hours. Who knows? This first section is brought to you by Pasquale's International Cafe in De Pere, WI and their Windy City sandwich. It is a full half pound of Italian beef, onions, peppers and mozzarella cheese on a fresh hoagie roll. I had my Windy City cherry popped tonight, and I now know why the guy on the phone acted like I was retarded when I asked if it came with fries. So fucking good. If I fall asleep in like a half hour that is why. Also, this section is sponsored by New Glarus Brewing Co. Snowshoe Ale, which is what I'm drinking right now. Tasty as shit.

5:33-We pick it up after the 12 minute timeout in the first half of VCU-Butler, tied at 15 with 10:15 left. Hey, a Honda Crosstour isn't a bologna sandwich according to the commercial. Thanks for that.

5:36- Raised courts are awkward. It looks like the players are all giants.

5:38- Words along the side of the court. "And then there were four. Three. Two. One." Can I just say: What the fuck? Should I be surprised by this or something? Do the teams usually fuck each other and multiply? Look Houston. I know that you build rocket ships there or some shit, but get over yourselves. And do they even fly rockets anymore? Wake me when they land a manned spacecraft on Mars or something.

5:40- It kills Alicia Keyes that someone might not hear "Empire State of Mind" as if it was sung live. And only Beats Audio can give it to you. Or maybe she just wants to sell some computers. Whatever.

5:42- I'm predicting that if 75,000 show up for this round, 50,000 will be corporate assholes, 23,999 will be Kentucky assholes, 1 will be Ashley Judd. 1,000 will be Butler/VCU/UCONN fans.

5:44- Tied at 20 with 6:12 left. Am I the only one who thinks "skeet" when I hear Jamie Skeen?

5:46- Seriously, Butler was 14-9 at one point. How the fuck are they here?

5:47- Just saw the Butler student section. If I went to Butler, I would be the blackest person there.

5:48- 24-22 VCU. I love how media types lie about how they "saw it coming" that Butler would be a Final Four team after they beat UWM. Bull. Shit. Every media person goes 100% chalk on their brackets unless Duke is a 2 seed.

5:50- Shelvin Mack is "sharp as a steak knife" and just "sprayed VCU from deep". 25-24 Butler, 3:52 left in half.

5:53- Has anyone ever only eaten ONE peanut butter cup? I think not.

5:54- Butler inbounds. One second comes off the clock. Timeout. Back to commercial. Hate that.

5:55- Wake me when they invent a 3D TV I don't need to wear glasses to watch.

6:00- Guy in VCU crowd wearing Oakleys. Is it 1994?

6:01- I have an odd self-image. I still feel like these college players, some of whom are 12 years younger than me, are older than I am. What age do I stop feeling that?

6:02- Barbara Bush does not know where she is. To be fair, she looked the same way in 1992.

6:03- Fuck. I just rubbed my eyes and must've had some hot pepper juice on them. I can only see out of one eye.

6:04- Butler is winning the "glass eating game". Howard with an absurd two handed reverse lay-in. Butler 34-28. VCU fires a pass into the 19th row with 2.4 seconds left.

6:08- Halftime of the basketball game. Switch over to Brewer pregame. Of course, it is a fucking WMLW game, which means no HD. On the bright side, I just saw commercials for: Perry Mason, MASH, and Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I made none of those up.

6:09- This portion brought to you by Louie's Demise Ale by Milwaukee Brewing Company. Not as good as I remember. Definitely not as good as the Snowshoe Ale I just had. 6:11- I missed Brian Anderson. I did not miss Bill Schroeder.

6:12- (Sports Bottle's) God is this picture terrible. It looks like they are playing in a fucking snowstorm.

6:14- Nice three up three down for the Crew. Let me use this opportunity, if you have read this far, to invite you to follow us on Twitter. Myself: @Juicelaw_WI, Bear: @bearflash, Jon: @UCSB616. Twinkie has one too, but he only got one to follow me. I pretty much only tweet when I'm drinking or really, really bored. What a salesman!

6:15- Ueck in a Usinger sausage commercial. Classic. Speaking German, with heavy use of YAH! Good times.

6:17- Shaun Marcum just walked his first batter in a Brewer uniform. Welcome to Milwaukee!!

6:18- Marcum is on a "soft 80" pitch count. Sounds great.

6:19- Someone should tell Marcum that someone wiped their ass on his hat. Dude, it is game two. How does your hat get that dirty otherwise?

6:20- Drew Stubbs steals second, Wil Nieves who is a "great defensive catcher", bounces one 8 feet short on the throw. Then throws him out trying to steal third as I write. Never mind. Stealing third is dumb unless you are Rickey Henderson.

6:21- Marcum just destroyed Brandon Phillips with a slider. That was pretty.

6:22- Scott Rolen is 600 years old.

6:23- I would like Prince Fielder's beard/afro combination if he wasn't going to leave after the season.

6:24- Rolen just CRUSHED a 2 run homer. 2-0 Reds. Marcum's ERA is on pace to be like 27.00.

6:25- 4 pitch walk.

6:26- Back to hoops. It looks like Steve Kerr is sitting on Clark Kellogg's lap. Can we get a bigger table for these three? Jesus.

6:30- Do people still watch Survivor? Why? 34-31 Butler, 18:24 left. It appears from the PIP that Marcum finally got out of the inning.

6:31- Butler in 2nd half: 3 possessions, 3 turnovers. I've got the Brewer game on picture in picture small screen, Final Four on big screen.

6:32- VCU goes up 35-34 with 17:09 left. VCU started the first half on fire too, and Butler put them out.

6:34- By the way, "Fast Five". I purposely didn't swap to the Crew so I could watch the preview again. Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, The Rock, among others.

6:36- 33 year old Erick Almonte is making his first major league start for the Brewers since 2003, and his first EVER in the OF. Wow. Is he related to Danny Almonte? Did Danny shoot himself yet?

6:37- Back to hoops. Butler back up 36-35, 16:08 left.

6:38- Another hoop commercial. And now the Crew is also at commercial. And I had a really funny joke about Blake Griffing being Black/White/Native American/Ginger and it somehow got erased. Fuck.

6:42- Brewer game brought to you by Usinger's and Stienhafel's. No Germans in Wisconsin at all.

6:43- SKEET for three! 38-36 VCU, 14:44 left.

6:44- Skeet! And one! 41-39 VCU, 13:41 left.

6:46- 3-0 Reds Bottom of 2nd. Championship!

6:47- Brewers on big screen. Maybe Brandon Phillips just doesn't match up well with Marcum? 2nd K in 2 at bats.

6:48- Jesus Christ. Semi-difficult grounder to Weeks. Bounces one to Fielder, who should have caught it (hit him right in glove), and doesn't. 4-0 Reds. Fuck.

6:53- Butler back up 4. Skeet at the line.

6:54- I just tried to send a text to a buddy of mine named "Dan" and accidentally sent it to "Dad". Awkward. Fairly certain he doesn't know what a blog is so he's probably pretty confused.

6:55- Butler up 52-45 with 9:39 to go. Starting to get away from VCU again.

6:56- Meanwhile, Travis Wood just had a 7 pitch inning. SEVEN fucking pitches? Way to make him work Crew.

6:57- Speaking of seven. It is VCU's biggest deficit of the tournament. That is crazy. Matt Howard just picked up his 4th foul with 9:15 left.

7:02- It is strange to look into the Brewer dugout and not see Ken Macha's blank stare.

7:05- The National Championship tips at 8:23 CST. If you grow up on the East coast in the 00's or 10's, you will never get to see "One Shining Moment", and you will be missing out. That was a shout out to all of our 12 year old readers. Speaking of 12 year olds, I nearly got kicked out of my fantasy baseball league with the old guys because someone let a 12 year old join and I had an expletive laden message board post. I was promptly yelled at by everyone else. My response was of course: Fuck You. Then I got a personal email from my neighbor who yelled at me even more. I declared I am never posting again in the league. It is too fun to quit, plus I've got 20 bucks on it.

7:11- Skeet! For three! And one! 61-57 Butler, 2:32 left.

7:14- Braun hasn't given up. Beat out an infield single for the Crew's first hit. I bet he'd be even faster if he cut that gawd awful hair of his.

7:17- Butler at the line up 63-57 with 47.3 left. Probably all she wrote. Two FT's for Butler, and a VCU turnover. Ballgame. Butler in TWO STRAIGHT NCAA Championship games. Somewhere, Satan is having a good time with Brad Stevens' soul.

7:19- I'm starting to get a little sore already. Time for a short break.

7:25- Hey Oh! Erick Almonte hits an upper decker. 4-1 Reds, Top of 5.

7:26- This section is brought to you by New Glarus Back 40 Bock.

7:27- I was just informed that it has been EIGHT years to the day since Almonte's last homer. Which was also his FIRST homer.

7:32- Yikes. Steve Harvey hosts Family Fued now?

7:33- Seems like as good a time as any to tell you that I'm headed to Milwaukee next Sunday with my brother to watch FIBs get hammered on two martinis and then fight each other. Or as it is also known, our 3rd annual Brewers-Cubs trip. Aviators, popped collars underneath T-shirts, and BMWs owned by someone else will be plentiful because FIBs will be. I love/hate going to Brewer-Cubs games because Cub "fans" show up in droves because they can't tailgate or drink anything but Old Style at Wrigley, or as the t-shirt that I bought a few years back says " The World's Largest Gay Bar". In other news, I hate FIBs.

7:38- Jonny Gomes takes a chest high fastball for ball four. Schroeder "Don't know where that one missed." Classic. He will say that at least 700 more times this year. That'll be it for Marcum. 4 2/3, 4R, 3ER, career high 5 BB. Awesome.

7:40- Judge Hatchett, weekdays at 8am on WMLW. They need to stop making these shows.

7:43- This just in. At 8, my PIP will be over, unless I want to switch to "Eat, Pray, Love", which is being recorded on my DVR. I will think about it.

7:44- Back on CBS, Jimmer Fradette is accepting the player of the year award, his hair actually came to accept it in Jimmer's place.

7:45- The picture on this standard def channel is so bad that Rickie Weeks is at the plate, and between the Navy road alternate unis and the black advertisement behind the plate, I literally can not see his head as he bats.

7:47- And Carlos Gomez strikes out. I just lost a bet.

7:48- I think Russell Brand is funny. The previews for his movies always look good even though I'm pretty sure I've never actually seen one that he starred in. "Arthur" looks funny, and I'm aware it is a re-make. Perhaps I'm too young to be offended by this, because I don't believe I've ever seen the original, or if I did, it didn't resonate to me. I'm told I should be offended.

7:50- Interview with Shaka Smart. His team lost, but he doesn't have to give up his awesome name. 7:52- Sergio Mitre has a "slurvy slider". Wouldn't that make it a slider? Or at least a slurvder?

7:58- One. Two. Three for Mitre. Let me switch over to basketball to see if Four is next.

7:59- Which coach will commit the most NCAA violations during the game tonight? Calhoun or Calipari? I will take Calhoun and the points.

8:01- Prince Fielder is really good at the plate. A one-handed single up the middle on a slider down and away.

8:02- Calipari just committed an NCAA violation on Tracy Wolfson. How does someone with Wolfson's accent get her job? I mean, I know how she probably got her job, but still, she talks like fucking Snookie.

8:04- Aroldis Chapman up in the pen. I'm excited to see if he can hit 125 mph tonight.

8:05- Jay Bruce just made a ridiculous play to rob a foul ball from McGehee. Corey Hart/replacement RF-X makes that play 0 out of 100 times.

8:06- Over/Under on Ashley Judd sightings is set at 1.5. I will take the over. Cameras are panning, but haven't found her yet to my knowledge. She needs to fire her PR person. Speaking of actresses, I need to get this off my chest too. Fucking Natalie Portman has been in like 30 movies in the last year. Does she fucking sleep? What the fuck? Off the top of my head she was in: Black Swan, that bullshit romantic comedy where she fucked Ashton Kutcher, this bullshit medieval movie with Kenny Powers in it, and Thor, in the last like six months. Thor and the Kenny Powers movie open like a week apart in the next month. I'm sure there is a logical explanation, like there are two of her, or she has the power to teleport, or she is an alien or something, but it is getting scary. I half expect her to show up in the dugout of this Brewer game.

8:12- 2nd semifinal has tipped. Calhoun just slipped the ref a bennie.

8:13- I feel like Kentucky is a little more complete than UCONN. I base this on having seen each of them play about 2.5 times this season, and broad speculation.

8:17- Kemba Walker is good. 8-5 UCONN, 15:49 left.

8:18- Why are they going to commercial on Lady GaGa "Born This Way"? It makes no sense. 8:19- Fast Five!!

8:20- Still 4-1 Reds, Top of 8th. Craig Counsell is up with one on. So it is about to be 4-3. Nope.

8:23- The remainder of this, however much there may be, will be sponsored by Miller Lite and his brother Miller Lite.

8:24- Gigantic white Centers are a precious commodity. Especially ones that have a bit of game. 10-9 UK, 12:19 left.

8:25- Guy on the Miller Lite "Man up" commercial that "Worries about his hair" has the same hair as Ryan Braun. Also, Pauly D has similar hair.

8:26- Miller Lite is my only friend. 8:27- Magic Johnson is comfortable in his own skin. And he cured AIDS.

8:28- UCONN has 6 Turnovers and 5 FG attempts. That seems inefficient.

8:29- Kentucky is now 1-7 from 3. It seems like 1-100. An they were all bricks. Still up 12-11.

8:32- Top of the 9th in Cincy. Cordero on. As not great as Frankie is, I have a feeling we are going to be watching Matlock on WMLW soon.

8:33- Ooooh. Leadoff single for CarGo. Brian Anderson claims the "Boo Birds are out". I hear no such thing.

8:35- Cordero bounced a couple of splitters, and Anderson might be right. I think they want Chapman and his 132 mph fastball.

8:36- Holy shit, Phillips with an insane diving stab of a Braun liner, backhand flip. But Braun beats it out at first. One out.

8:37- Meanwhile, Kentucky apparently started running Bo Ryan's swing offense, because they haven't scored in over 4 minutes. 17-12 UCONN, 8:12 left in first half. The first game was played at a MUCH higher level.

8:38- Prince grounds softly to second, two outs.

8:39- McGehee with an RBI single. 4-2 Reds. Erick Almonte and his 2 career HRs in 8 fucking years is the "tying run". Of course 1 of those homers was tonight but still.

8:41- Jesus. Strike three (or ball 2 as the umpire called it) was right down the middle. And he swings and misses at the next pitch, 4-2 Reds final. Brewers are on pace to go 0-162. I think I'm done. Sleep tight kids.

8:56- Goddammit. I hit post, and the fucking thing eliminated all the spaces, so I just wasted 10 minutes putting them back in. You're welcome.


Bear said...

Fixed that for ya

Oh and also, you couldn't be more wrong about Russell Brand, he's an awful comedian who at best is slightly more annoying than Tom Green

UCSB616 said...

That was um, actually really entertaining. Wasn't sure if it would work but I liked it quite a bit. Anyone who isn't following us on twitter is missing fun things like epic battles with douche rocket from espn milwaukee and she who shall not be named. Their loss.