Fake Live Blog II - Brewers v. Twins

Pregame:

• Seriously, Jerry Augustine is a disaster. The bags under his eyes have an easier time trying to get a point across. Harry Sydney thinks Augie sucks.
• J.J. Hardy is out. We've got a dude named Jody starting tonight. No relation to Full House's Jodi Sweeten.
• I'll be periodically checking in on Lakers/Nuggets Game 3 too.
• Who wants to bet that FSN just goes ahead and does a split screen, with the baseball game on one side, and a loop of different angles of LeBron's shot on the other. I wouldn't even be that upset.
• Does anyone actually watch Best Damn Sports Show? I haven't seen it since 2001, when I was drunk and accidentally watched it. Do they have bikini chicks on it every night? I might check it out.
• Went golfing with our friend Mark this afternoon. I dominated the match 58 to 66. We are not good golfers. The golf cart chick was 27, but looked like 19, and was an 8.8. His house is really nice. Lots of room for us assholes to pass out.
• Just flipped to SportsCenter. Guess what they are showing? Why do I care about what NBA players were "Tweeting" after they saw the shot? Just saw it 14 more times.
• Telly Hughes is below average at best.
• Who the fuck is Anthony Swarzak? Shit, it is his MLB debut? We are fucked. 3 hit shutout.
• Cory Koskie has TWO left handed kids. Is there any doubt they will be in the majors?
• Why does Ken Macha always look like he is screaming at someone when he is talking?
• We have a Casey, a Prince, a Mat, and a Jody in our starting lineup.
• Anthony Swarzak looks like Chipper Jones. And he's got a faggy necklace on.

1st inning

• Craig Counsell is the whitest person on earth.
• Remember when like half the stadiums in the league had AstroTurf? Now the Twinkies are like the only one. (I think maybe Toronto does too.)
• The Twins must have pulled Swarzak off the streets. Even the TWINS don't know anything about him.
• First major league walk for Swarzak. McGehee walks on a pitch right down the middle. Good eye.
• Braun is up. I might need a second.
• Loud LET'S GO BREWERS chant. This sounds similar to a Brewer/Cub game.
• Miscommunication for the Twins. Easy fly ball drops for a single. 2 on 1 out.
• Prince's fat face next to the Hormel sign is just funny to me. It might not actually be a sign. It might be a thought bubble. Prince K's. First major league K for Swarzak.
• Cameron grounds out to end the Brewers half.
• It is going to be really hard to talk shit about the commercials, because they only show like 3 of them on Brewer games.
• One, the Miller Lite commercial with the fake mob guys. Fucking stupid.
• Twins have their throwbacks on tonight I think. Throwbacks are awesome.
• Looper always has a creepy grin on his face when he is one the mound.
• Lopper apparently loves to hit. Gives up a rocket to Mauer for a base hit. Maybe he should concentrate on pitching. I love to fuck too, but unfortunately, I don't get to dabble in that at my fucking job.
• Morneau with a single. This might be a short blog (relatively speaking). I have a cut off in my mind about when to stop watching games. If we hit that, I'm out.
• How amazing was that cycle last night? Has one ever been done in 6 innings before? Why don't good players ever get cycles? It is always some asshole like Cuddyer.
• Big double play gets us out of the inning.

2nd inning

• Commercial two we are going to see a million times: Blaine's Farm and Fleet. Matt Kenseth is a Farm and Fleet kind of guy. Whatever.
• I watched FSN Final Score exactly one time. It was brutal.
• Commercial three we will see: Special Olympics. Nope, that was an Explore Minnesota commercial. Whoops.
• I love how the Brewers only started Hall tonight because everyone else was hurt.
• I hate it when Major Leaguers take fastballs right down the middle for called strikes.
• Minnesota people are ugly. There, I said it.
• Wow. Jody Gerut is black? I was expecting a red head for some reason. Of all men named Jody, what percentage is black? .3? Gerut sees exactly one pitch and grounds out. End of Brewers half.
• Commercial: Triple Hops brewed Miller Lite. I heard a
• Commercial: Brush and floss or else.
• Menard's commercial. Baseball fans LOVE hardware stores, Miller Lite and brushing their teeth.
• Brush and floss or else (2)
• Is Minnesota in Canada? I'm pretty sure there is a Canadian flag hanging from the roof, and the only explanation is that it is in Canada. Good. Go to fucking Canada. What has Minnesota done for us anyway? All they do is lie about thier lakes. I'm going to start advertising that I have a 2" dick, like that is super huge or something.
• The Twinks have more players on their team that I've never heard of than any team in the majors.
• Brewers have the best record in baseball since April 22nd. It is too bad that those first twelve games fucking counted.
• Another DP to end the 2nd.

3rd Inning 0-0

• Home Depot commercial. What? Lowe's didn't have any advertising money?
• Midwest Airlines: Mmmmmm. Warm chocolate chip cookies.
• Wear your seatbelt. Or you will die.
• The fact that the Twinks are opening an open air stadium is ridiculous. I'm sure it will be lovely, but when your fans have to wear winter coats, alot of them might not come to game 2 of an 81 game home schedule. Anything is better than the Humpdome.
• Jason Kendall can't hit. At all.
• McGehee hits a shot to Span in the outfield. It bounces twice and knocks him over. Turf is stupid. How has someone not died on a bad hop?
• Brewer's inning is done.
• Matt Kenseth loves to buy licorice and mufflers at Farm and Fleet (2)
• Commercial about people with life threatening herpes. Nope, sorry, it is another Explore Minnesota commercial (2).
• Piggly Wiggly Tailgate Tips. I got fatter just watching the commercial. Take cheese spread. Put a jalapeno in the middle. Roll it in batter. Deep fry it. Jesus christ that sounds good.
• GoGo Gomez is hitting .218 with 0 HR and 2 RBIs in late May. How is that Santana trade working out? Looper promptly walks him on 4 pitches.
• I still haven't seen an NHL playoff game this year because I don't have Versus. How are all the games on that channel?
• 7 straight balls for Looper. Oh, and this guy is batting .212. And I've never heard of him.
• Fuck. Mauer hits one where the SS should be. But there wasn't one for some reason (shift?). Then Braun throws one to 3B except Counsell and Hall look at eachother while it bounces in between them and into the dugout. 2 runs score. Mauer gets third. 2-0 Twinks.
• Sac fly for Morneau. 3-0 Twinks. Looper looks like shit tonight too.

4th Inning 3-0 Twinks.

• If I buy some shitty entree from Applebees, I get a free Brewer ticket to a Wednesday afternoon game that I won't be able to go to.
• Menard's (2)
• Bill Schroeder was neither watching TV or reading the paper today. That can only mean he was looking at midget porn all day.
• Mat Gamel's hair is distracting.
• The radar gun just showed 104mph from Swarzak. I'm assuming that was wrong. Brewers go down with a whimper.
• While showing Blyleven and Schroeder playing grab ass, Crede hits a homer. 4-0 Twinks. This is getting gay.
• Looper's first K in 10 innings.
• I hate that goddamn AFLAC duck. Twins done.

5th Inning 4-0 Twinks.

• Kenseth is back to buy licorice and mufflers for a third time.
• The Air Tran commercial makes its first appearance. Seems a little late. WiFi on a plane is a much better idea than motherfuckin' snakes.
• Wear your seatbelt or die (2)
• Gerut's line tonight: 3 pitches, 2 outs. I wish we had Jodi Sweeten.
• Fucking Christ. Another popout. Brewers are done.
• Triple Hops brewing. What the fuck is that? Why would that make my beer taste better? 2nd time
• Ray wants me to join Boys and Girls club because he didn't get shot like his friend. Maybe I'll just not move to Milwaukee. That seems like less of a commitment.
• Holy shit, a dude that looks just like Santa Claus in full red Twinks gear in the stands. Fucking Canadians.
• You would never know that Swarzak has never pitched in the majors before, just like you would never know the Brewers were not a high school team. Two way street it seems.
• Great. Stars and stripes hats tomorrow. I'm buying one.
• If getting cancer guarantees me a no-hitter, is it worth it?
• ANOTHER homer. 5-0 Twinks.
• Looper hits the next guy with a pitch, and the benches get warned for no reason. Schroeder is fucking HOT in the booth. He might come down and beat the shit out of the ump.
• Did I mention Looper has been shitty? I would've pulled him if this was a video game. Schroeder is STILL bitching. Cuddyer smokes one for a single. Bullpen? Bueller?
• Mauer in the dugout just does a full palm grab of his crotch. That is what he thinks of Looper's pitching. Me too. Twins done.

6th Inning 5-0 Twins.

• This game sucks.
• Braun almost impales Swarzak with his broken bat. But in his kindness, directs the shrapnel over his head. Single for Braunie.
• Schroeder analysis: "You can't hit a five run homer with one man on." Thanks for that one. But clearly five run homers happen all the time with more than one man on.
• Prince has fouled off 48 straight pitches. He finally singles.
• Mike Cameron is a struck match. Every one of his swings looks like a 450 foot homer.
• Brewers done.
• The mafia Miller Lite dudes again. 2nd time.
• Matt Kenseth still likes Farm and Fleet. 4th time.
• That really, really fucking stupid Dejope casino commercial with the douchebags with the shitty truck. So dumb.
• Anderson analysis: "Looper needs to get these guys out, to get the Brewers back to the dugout." He must be listening, because he can't get anyone else out.
• Triple for Gomez on a ball that would have been an easy play at third on real grass.
• No runs scored.

7th inning 5-0 Twinks.

• Laura Schera is really hot for an outdoorsy chick.
• 25-19 Nugs with 1:31 left in 1st. Kobe looks like someone shit in his cereal.
• Hall makes contact against a righty. Better than normal.
• Fucking Text to the Booth people are retarded. Today's Question: What kind of cleats do you wear on articficial turf? Are people really taking the time to text this shit? I suppose it is more productive than "Fuck!" or "U R Gay".
• Jody finally took a few pitches. And a hit!
• Now remember. You can't hit a five run homer with one guy on base. Oh, its Kendall. He can't hit a one run homer with a guy on base.
• Double Play.
• Joining the marines is really cool I guess.
• Utah is not cool. No matter how cool that commercial made it.
• A lady is pulling bread out of her box.
• R.J. Swindle is in! And his 48 mph curve. One pitch. One out.
• I love me some R.J. Swindle.
• SEVEN fucking shutout innings for Swarzak.
• Swindle puts two on, gives way to Jorge Julio. That pretty much means that Macha has given up.
• Nugs by 8 in the 2nd quarter.
• Julio walks a guy. Then a ball goes to Hall and instead of throwing home, he goes off balance to try to get the guy at first and a run scores. 6-0 Twinks
• Julio finally gets out of it.

8th Inning 6-0 Twinks

• If the Brewers fail to score. I'm dunzo. Oh and brush and floss or else.
• You've gotta be kidding me. Rocket to third, off his glove, caught barehanded by the shortstop to get Braun at first.
• Fielder knocks in Braun. 6-1 Twinks. Show all Brewer fans in the stands talking shit.
• And nothing more. And I'm cashed.